TTC a lot longer than 10 months past and present

[Cosmonaut1]

A thread full of the loveliest people

Hi everyone, hope your weekends were ok. Joy could you ask Roy to pick out a card, or send her a non-babyesque card to congratulate her? I actually don't think you really need to congratulate her. But if you want to that could be an option. Or a text, even better. Your round is coming up and this may well be the lucky one, remember euro hit jackpot on round four. Big squeeze.

Euro hope your weekend was calm and you got some rest in these final weeks.

I had a nice weekend - went swimming, knitted and skyped with my mum. We had people over last night to watch the USA game and I had brunch with my new friend who had a stillbirth which was really nice. I did a test yesterday afternoon - an internet cheapie - and there was a near invisible smudge or shadow 10dpo. Tested again this morning with FMU on a digi and got 'Pregnant 1-2 weeks'. Did another cheapie and there was a definite line. So I guess that's a BFP. Am still only 11dpo and blood test isn't until Thursday so I am anxious as well as happy. DI know anything could happen still, and this does feel very bittersweet. But I am so incredibly grateful to be at this stage, no matter how early.

How are you doing, critter? Is it testing day? I expect mr c is feeling extremely anxious, you've had the worst few months. the future looks so great for you guys though with current twibling snuggling in and others on ice.

Joy, I'm so sorry about the stabby announcement. I completely understand the being annoyed not wanting to acknowledge it thing. I do the same. I always do offer congratulations but I have to work myself up to it. It's so bloody hard because you think you're coping and then wham. I went through a period where everyone was announcing first pregnancies, I could tick them off a list. Now it's second pregnancies and I'm finding that hard to cope with, somehow the unfairness is even greater because they can do it twice. Someone who got married one month before us has just announced her second pregnancy and gosh that hurt me. I do sometimes think I'd be happier if I could run away to a desert island with mr raydown. I don't want to hear about anyone's news and I don't want to share in their happy families.

Ten, great news on the scan :)

Fox, how's the downregging? I bet you're wishing alway the days. It will be over soon.

Nelly, remind me again what your plans are now? Is it back to Greece?

I had a funny afternoon yesterday where it sort of crept up on me that thought of never having a baby. I read something about being pregnant and I got this huge pang of pain about never experiencing it. It does feel a bit like grief the way it comes out of nowhere. We went to the cinema and saw boyhood and that made me feel a bit sad too thinking about never having your own child to experience things with. I definitely romanticize it all which I know is setting myself up, I conveniently ignore the downsides. Such a longing that I think would be hard to describe to anyone else.

X post critter. I can't tell you how happy I am for you :) :) you really are an ivf instaduffer! such well deserved happy news. Totally understand the bittersweet emotion, it's going to bring up all sorts of feelings for you. One day at a time.

Thanks ray. I do think this is a kind of grief. Having experienced both, I can say that at least with bereavement you can talk to others about it and they understand and sympathise. The truly awful thing about infertility is that it is open ended, uncertain, and often private misery. I read a great blog post about it over the weekend that I'll post later today.

Sneaky work post ti say Critter so utterly thrilled for you. Post more later

Hey all - this is the post I was talking about.

Oh critter, wonderful wonderful. Of course it will be bittersweet but now this is your new chapter .

Back later to post more

critter you really are an IVF instadiffer! I'm so pleased for you.

I'm sorry for the announcements joy and ray. I find it easier to feel happy for people making announcements now, but still feel resentful about how easy some people have it. I was saying to mr euro this morning (more on that in a moment) that people keep telling me that I won't care how the baby got here once it is here, but I don't think that is right. People said the same to me about getting a BFP and I do care that it was IVF and I couldn't just have a bottle of chardonnay and an early night to get my BFP like most people. For me, the journey does matter.

That conversation came up because the blood flow issue has worsened and they are talking about getting centime out very soon. I'm due to have the steroid injection to try to mature his/her lungs in a couple of days. I'm so upset. For centime because he/she is just too small to come out into the world now. And for me because I really, really don't want a section and a hospital stay.

Euro, That's totally understandable that you're upset. I hope the doctors are being kind to you. You're over 30 weeks now aren't you? So centime wouldn't be considered very early but it's still worrying and not at all what you would have hoped for. I know you're terrified of the c section. Are you able to talk through your fears with the surgeon or with the anesthetist? Would knowing all the details of the procedure help? I wish I could give you a big hug, without squishing the bump of course.

Oh euro I am so sorry, it is totally terrifying and crap. You will be in excellent hands but I know how miserable and frightened you must feel right now. And yes, the journey does matter, and it's hideously unfair that after all you've been through you now have this extra fear on top of everything else.

Centime is still very little and vulnerable, but s/he will be in the best possible hands. I have a particular perspective on this of course, as I had a ticking time bomb during my pregnancy that I didn't know about with the cord/placenta, and I wish James had come out early but safely. It's probably not fair of me to even refer to that, since I know that to you, centime's safety is absolutely paramount and I absolutely do not mean to minimise what you are experiencing in any way whatsoever - the fear is valid and real and the whole thing is bloody unjust. It is totally, totally rotten and unfair, and completely and utterly rubbish in the extreme that you have to go through all of this, on top of what you've been through already. I am thinking of you and sending you lots and lots and lots of love and courage and a massive hug. You can do this.

Euro- I am so sorry what a terrible stress for you. It's bloody unfair after everything. And I know this isn't how it should be but you and centime will be in excellent hands. Are they giving any indication of how soon? But you also must remember that you are a super strong woman- the only person who I know who had EC when awake and you will handle the c section with gusto. Have you thought about getting some hypno in preparation ?
You are both going to be fine and my ex colleague was born 12 weeks early and he was a 6ft3, very clever, funny guy. An early start isn't preferred but it certainly doesn't mean disaster.
But still I know this is of no help when you are facing all this. As critter says , it is totally rotten and fecking unjust but in many ways thank god they are all over this and this has been spotted. Honking of thou.

Thinking of you , not honking!

Euro I'm so sorry for the extreme worry you must be experiencing, how terrifying, and of course it's not what you want at all. You've done so so well to get to this point and it sounds like the docs are really keeping a close eye and managing the risks well. You'll get through it, because you have to, same as you got through the Ivf because you did, and that's ok. Keep strong, you're nearly there.

Critter I can understand the bittersweet thing, but that's such lovely news, I'm so pleased for you. Fingers crossed for everything between ow and your first scan, that it is as worry free as possible. You guys obviously make rocket like embies. Thanks for the link. I'd actually read Mara's blog a few years ago but hadn't kept up with it. I feel sad for her that they haven't been successful yet, but she has a very inspiring point of view.

Joy oh I know that feeling so well, especially from someone who seems so far 'behind' and then suddenly they're the ones with the announcement, it feels gut wrenchingly unfair and horrid to have to feel that way. For me those feelings are all in proportion to however hopeful I'm feeling at that moment in time - the less hopeful, the worse it hits. I heard a friend of a friend story this week about someone trying for 14 yrs, Ivf all failed to get many eggs/embryos and she is now pg naturally. She followed a book called 'the better baby book' by Lana and David Asprey. I haven't read it yet. I wonder if that women's words to you about some people not making good embryos are ringing in your ears. I'm not sure it sounds very scientific that statement, I don't think you should dwell on that as some kind of diagnosis though I know easier said than done.

Ray, oh I know that feeling, you describe it well. It's awful how it kind of seeps into the most everyday activities. Have you made any appointments yet?

Afm I'm on knicker watch, even though I'm taking the month off and thought I'd try and forget about things (hmm). I think I ovulated at the weekend and I normally get a few days of spotting / bleeding after ovulation so I'm trying not to pay attention but of course am obsessed whether there is any changes to my usual pattern of bleeding.

Fox how's things?

Lovely cos, thank you for the congratulations. It's bittersweet but I am SO happy and so bloody grateful to be the thread's resident IVF-instadiffer and to able to use this amazing technology and have the worry taken out of my hands to some extent - no having to time things, no months of will we/won't we. I am glad that James was IVF as it meant that we had his siblings on ice already so when we were ready we could just put one back. It removes a huge source of TTC stress - I'd been through the hard part already - and I'm filled with gratitude that I don't have to spend months 'trying' for my rainbow twibling.

Interesting about your cycle change. Perhaps the op and the healing are already making a difference to things. The pieces of the puzzle could be finally coming together. Oh honey I am so hopeful for you.

I don't want to insult you guys by even saying this, given how unbelievably generous and supportive you've been to me and how selflessly you've 'carried' me over the past few months, but I also wanted to say that I recognise that it's ironic and could be sting-y that I'm now pregnant, even if only in the early stages, 5 months after having a baby, and that IVF. I really really hope my announcement doesn't hurt. I have actually had it easy in many ways in this 'journey' - and I am fully aware of the misery of being on the knackering TTC path with no immediate rainbow or BFP to patch over the cracks in our exhausted hearts.

joy 'honking of thou' made me smile. And yes yes to being 'behind' - I always think about couples who met and got married years after me and MrC, or even after we started TTC, who now have two.

euro wanted to send you another big cuddle. joy is right, you are amazingly courageous - I still can't believe you got through EC awake. You're going to be such a good mum to your little person.

sorry was going to say 'and that IVF worked so quickly for me.' I wish there was an edit function.

Critter this is such lovely news on a very sunny day. I'd been thinking about you and wondering all weekend! Your news is absolutely nothing but happy making for me. I can well imagine this is bittersweet and that you feel all over the shop. You deserve this part to be easy. I never cease to be amazed at your strength and dignity and kindness lovely critter.

Euro here is a big squeeze. It does matter. The counselling we had about de said that women lose faith in their bodies as they ttc and fail to get there and that pregnancy kind of unpicks that feeling and puts the faith back. But I think from the day we shelve the condoms there is very little control over what happens after that. I had visions of a honeymoon baby and a hypnobirth with happy nct days and baby 2 three years later. No one I know got the birth they wanted and I think that as ttc warriors we can probably get our head around that more so than if it had all gone to plan in the conception department.I second joy that you are super strong - you are euro! And it totally sucks that this is happening. But you have all of us to share your fears with and soon you get to meet centime. Hope you're ok.

Downregging is alright. Like pmt and a hangover but I'd been expecting my brain to implode so I'm suffering quietly! I'm also not enjoying the heat which is unknown of for me. Injection 10 today. I have to say it's dragging. I've also had a mini period this weekend. I hope this works (scared).

Very quick phone post to say yes critter 12dpo with the digi worked for me, before that I had been staring at faint lines and wondering. Are you testing this Thursday?

Joy a* announcements are just awful, sorry.

Thanks euro I think I may have to leave it until 12 weeks before venturing over there, it is all a bit nerve racking

Oh joy I meant to say sorry about the ouchy announcement. I had one last week from the ONE person I thought I might actually have a baby before. Like a bowling ball in the stomach! Their pinterest boards are all full of baby stuff now. Our turn next!! I demand it!

Not another ouchy announcement fox! They are coming thick and fast.

Your DE counselling lady has it spot on. I think I saw a normal pregnancy and birth as the "cure" for all the damage that ttc had done to me. I was desperate to be "normal", which is one of the reasons I was so resistant to consultant led care purely because I had had IVF. And why I am so upset about how this has turned out.

Ten I totally get that. It took me a while.

cos I never managed to completely take a month off when I tried. The fact that I get ovulation pains made it quite difficult to ignore where I was in my cycle. I'll have everything crossed for you.

ray I'm 30+4 today and they are hoping to get me to 32 weeks, but it'll depend on what each monitoring session shows.

Such are the joys of the NHS that I could talk over my fears with a consultant, but won't know in advance who would be doing the surgery until the day. Which is one of the things that freaks me out. We are considering a late switch to private so we have some choice over consultant. So many of my friends have had sections and I have read quite a bit about them, so information won't really help. Nothing is going to make me feel happy about having the baby cut out of me. What might stop me freaking out about what now seems inevitable is meeting and gaining some confidence in the person who will be doing it to me.

critter I completely take that on board and think about your situation often (and I hope that nothing that I am posting is upsetting for you). I know that I am lucky that it has been picked up.

I wish I could hop across the pond and give you a celebratory BFP hug. I'm so happy for you.

Getting through EC awake I think was just the warm up for getting through major abdominal surgery awake!

Euro looking into private options sounds like a great idea for peace of mind, and reassuring you that you know what's happening and who's doing it. I hope you've been able to get some bits ready and have some of the cutest outfits ready for whenever centime gets to wear them.

Critter, I think on our A type rating scale you would score a ZZZ at least for the triple whammy of being a ten plusser, having had an awful awful time, and mostly for being so unbelievably gracious and supportive and kind throughout.

Fox, ten days down, great work lovely girl. You're steaming through this part and seem to be taking the meds in your stride. I so hope this works for you too.

I was mulling on what Nelly said on the other place about age, and I so agree, I can't wait for my 40's. I'm just so ready for the good times, In whatever form or shape they come in. May new beginnings and new possibilities happen for us all.

Euro were they helpful at explaining how they manage anxieties? I have always felt that has gone a bit uncared for, I was shaking ahead of my op and a very mild sedative would have been much appreciated. I realise this is not an option but I would like very careful explaining of each process if I ever end up having a planned section. There are some advantages to c sections in the ladygarden department (!) and whilst I know it isn't what you want might it help to write them and others down? When I was in hospital afterwards my cons spent some time just sat with me (in shame I imagine) and was talking about how much harder recovery is from abdo surgery and hysterectomies than c sections. He said he saw women needing far less pain relief afterwards and that they were better in themselves. He reckoned it was the oxytocin and the niceness of having a prize at the end of it. A total tool for telling me all that in the circumstances but I've held on to it as information that could be useful down the road

Critter - I am over the moon for you. Wonderful news. Please don't worry about achieving a second pregnancy so quickly. We all want this twibling soooo much and are simply delighted. Every 10+ bfp brings hope. What a thoughtful and generous person you are to think of how others might feel.

Euro - this is pants and deeply unfair. Of course you wanted a standard pregnancy and birth - it is a normal response to the non standard experience of long term ttc. I am truly sorry that you are going through more heartache. I think it's good that you are acknowledging and processing your disappointment and fears now as hopefully when centime is here you will be able to move seamlessly in to the enjoyment stage of motherhood. You don't deserve to have a shadow hanging over you. Talking things through with a good consultant sounds sensible. I can imagine that you are really worried about centime. Please take care - have you started mat leave?

Ray - Although I have now got baby sar a lot of your thoughts and feelings resonate with me. I remember that deep stingy stomach yearning and sadness when the reality hit that a baby may not come. Even though my surgery enabled me to have my baby I was led to believe by my medical team that it wouldn't help, therefore I was feeling deep despair too. Sorry - not really coming out with anything too helpful here but just wanted you to know that I understand how bad things can feel and that I think it is amazing how every day you get up, go to work and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Also, you are not at the end of the line. You still have lots of time, more attempts and hope. You make good embryos, even in normal ttc stuff, many embryos don't make it and it might just be that your lucky number hasn't yet been called. I'm sorry this nightmare drags on.

Fox - sorry for the pmt type shenanigans and horrid over heating. But you are doing great. You just need to bob along and get through this chapter. Remember that things could all be changing for you in these next few weeks. I am carrying the hope for you......just like you always did for me.

Joy - I'm sorry about the stabby announcement! I know you are open minded to conception occurring spontaneously (seen as though you and Roy are technically unexplained) and I have to say I have met more than 1 or 2 people at baby groups and the like who report falling pregnant after years of ttc including failed ivf. Right now you have your new cycle to focus on and there is every chance this will work out. But in addition to that you have general ttc too. I guess its just a case of staying happy and balanced whilst ttc drags on (the holy grail). You will always be my ttc twin (our initial stories and timings of mc were so similar). And I won't ever stop believing for you or caring.

Cos - I am really intrigued to know what new and wonderful things might occur with your cycles. I am a fan of surgery to support ttc and I really believe it is underrated as a treatment option for the right candidates. Lots of hope for you. It's almost like starting at the beginning as you are now on a more level playing field.

Ten - handholds for the scary first few weeks. Any symptoms?

Hello to everyone. Hope the sunshine is bringing some happy days. x

quick post for critter - I am so happy for you

Ahhhhh, when I posted yesterday I realise I had missed some of the most important news of all CONGRATULATIONS critter, great news. Proper catch up at work....

Ahhhhh, when I posted yesterday I realise I had missed some of the most important news of all CONGRATULATIONS critter, great news. Proper catch up at work....