TTC a lot longer than 10 months past and present

[Cosmonaut1]

A thread full of the loveliest people

Critter, you are an amazing person. I am excited that your transfer is this week and have only good feelings about it.

Euro are you still on the sofa? I wasn't on the pill this month. Who knows why my baseline temps are far lower on non trying months. Joy maybe there is a reaction to sperm that gets the body 'ready'?! I am of course worried it is something more sinister. I am worried that embryos put into me will perish and be attacked. Worry worry all the time.

Cos hurray for no coils (ow) and a holiday. I think your 'who knows' could be very exciting...

Welcome to berry. Do tell us more about your win after ten years!

So the jab has made my period vanish, just like the menopur did last time. It has given me exactly the same feelings of brain fug too. That lifted quite quickly as my body got used to it. Ivf makes me feel on lockdown. I can't plan stuff, don't feel sociable and feel very anxious. I only have a finite number of these in me.

cos hurrah to the coils being out at last! One more step closer to solving the puzzle. I cannot believe it's been seven years that you've been TTC. Brilliant that you're getting a well-deserved holiday soon, and it's also really good that work has been (positively I hope) absorbing as I hope it will have taken your mind off things a little and been a good distraction. I know things must feel extra stressful as you gear up for going for things again, but I have every hope that you're going to get the lottery win that you deserve so much.

joy July is right around the corner - we're halfway through June today (whoop!) FFS at the clinic not sending the stuff over and charging to photocopy it. It makes me that they profit so much off desperate couples' bad luck. Great that you're getting the testing done for recurrent mc - this is really good and suggests that everything is being thoroughly checked out and taken seriously.

euro I hope you are tucked up in bed already and relaxing as much as you possibly can before centime's arrival. I really regret that I didn't take it easier in the final weeks of my pregnancy. It's bloody knackering when you're huge. You deserve to be waited on hand and foot! Hope you're feeling ok. The 30 week marker is in sight!

fox you're a hero for getting through the first jab. The brain fug sucks, and I can only imagine how stressful this must feel after the trauma of what you went through in November. I so know what you mean about the fine line between optimism and self-protection. But there is every reason that this will work. You are so close now sweet pea and we are with you ever step of the way.

AFM all fine here. I feel ok physically, albeit a bit foggy from the progesterone pessaries, but this FET is a piece of cake compared to a fresh round - just the oestrogen tablets and now the progesterone capsules. No jabs at all, which is awesome. ET is on Tuesday - they call me tomorrow to let me know the exact time. I've also not told anyone, apart from our parents and sister critter, that we're doing the FET now, and that means that the pressure is off because I don't have everyone quizzing me about it. We've had a lot of people asking about whether we're trying again and when we'll try again - understandably, people care about us and are invested in what happens with us in terms of future children - but I feel a lot more stressed and anxious about this round not working and I really don't want to have to tell all and sundry if I have a mc. I do worry a bit that if anyone who knows me reads this thread then it'll be pretty obvious who I am and what I'm doing - but hey ho, the plusses of chatting to you all over the years have massively, massively outweighed any privacy isshoo concerns. Hope everyone is having a lovely Sunday - I'm having a nice quiet one sorting out the house with MrC.

I should also have added that I don't want to tell everyone if this round doesn't work… gah. So many things to worry about. Love to all, hang in there. We're due some good news on this thread.

Also ray hope you've had a calm and relaxing weekend. Big hug.

I have been off thread for so long! I have been reading on and off but haven’t had a chance to post since our holiday, which was lovely.

Critter Good luck for tomorrow! I hear you on the booze front, even a glass of wine makes me sleep badly and I think the combination of that and the mood effects of it booze isnt helpful a lot of the time. Sorry I cant be of any help about spotting oestrogen. I think if your friend is a good friend she will surely understand your mixed feelings over her email, you shouldn’t feel guilty about your reaction, I think it sounds perfectly reasonable, you should be in the same position as her and you’re not, and that is crap. Reading your story about James still makes me teary, I am still in awe of the bravery you show when talking about him and that awful time.

Joy I think it is inevitable that something as major as IVF will have an affect on your cycle, so long as your bloods are ok then there is nothing to worry about and everything to be hopeful for this round. We were offered it but didn’t take it as MrT would rather tear his own eyes out than talk about emotions and also I think for him there is a clear reason for us (male factor) so in his head we would just do ICSI until it worked. I just didn’t feel the need. It is shit, I know that, but for me talking about it in that setting wouldn’t be helpful. What I found helpful was being able to come on here and rant when someone made an announcement etc and have someone understand. I think it is a personal thing though, some people find it helps, some think it doesn’t make any difference, I doubt it would make anything worse though. Also I don’t think you should worry about tears, I expect they are pretty used to them, people wouldn’t go there to talk about it unless they were struggling a bit. I think Fox has wise words to say on this and finding someone you trust could be really helpful.

Euro How are things with you? It is so frustrating that after such a rough journey to get here you are now having these additional worries. I am glad to hear they are not panicking you though, and as you say so long as you get a safe delivery that is really all that matters. Fingers crossed centime stays put until 30 weeks.

Gin I was having dinner with some friends on Friday who have one baby who is going to be one soonish and the total breeziness with which she stated, I will be pregnant by the end of the year, I could have punched her. I think I will always be jealous of those who found this whole thing much easier than we did.

Waves to Sea and Doll

Fox I am sorry to read about your difficult time last month, it sounds as though you are finding your way forwards though. Fingers crossed with the scratch and DE this will be your cycle. How is DR going? I didn’t find it too bad honestly, I think as long as you are prepared to feel a bit tired you will be fine. I know what you mean about hoping it is just one specific issue, I have never had any tests done on me (no lap and dye etc etc) we were just told shit sperm proceed straight to ICSI, which panicked me no end that we were wasting money on IVF when we didn’t know if it would work. But it did (so far), and it does, and I am sure yours will too. Just hold on in there, these DR feelings aren’t for long, and it will all be worth it when you get your result.

Ray How are you? I really think that this is a bit of a numbers game, I think if you have the resources and the will then it will eventually work for you. You are not a failure, this is not a fair game. WHO PUTS SCAN PHOTOS ON FB? Are they entirely deluded that anyone would be interested in what looks like a load of static? I just cant imagine ever doing that.

Cos How are the cramps etc? Congrats at finishing the HRT! Grr at lazy work colleague. I have had piles once or twice, not with lots of blood though just uncomfortable, I think if you give it a couple of days and it hasn’t stopped go to your GP. Also do something to ease the piles, so laxatives or something to ease the symptoms. I currently have the opposite problem…..instead of morning sickness……it is really disconcerting.

Hi Patchwork sorry you find yourself here, ten years is a very long time, I very much hope your wait wont be that long again.

AFM I had a scan a week ago, and everything looked normal apparently, there was flickering which I think is the heartbeat, which was a relief as I was in quite a lot of pain on holiday. I have another scan on Wednesday, I am basically absolutely paranoid that it will die and I won’t know so I am effectively chucking money at the situation for now at least until the 12 week scan if we get there. I think this is a result of me waiting for the fertility gods to realise they let me get pregnant and then swipe it away like a chair at the last minute.

Ok, I like the other place but it's easier here to do a catch up with my lack of technical skills.

Ten fabulous news about the scan, which week are you in now? Sorry for the pains that must have been very disconcerting. Were they stretchy growing sort of pains? Are you being carefully monitored? The holiday sounds well deserved.

Critter I'll be thinking of you loads tomorrow. You made it so far, I'm so glad you found the FET process easier. I can understand that feeling of pressure. But the great news is you've found something that works. You and MrC make great embryos and you fall pregnant easily. These are great things which mean you stand every chance of completing your family. I guess really you were an instadiffer once an embryo was in there, and of course not even 'normal' people fall pg every time. You have a great chance this time, but if not then there's other frostwings and other chances. I can well imagine you feel like you've been through enough already though. And everyone else would only want you to be happy right? They're your cheering squad.

Fox lovely how're you feeling? So sorry for the brain fug and anxiety feelings. You don't need to plan or do things now though, I'm hoping you can just take it easy and take it one day at a time. Plenty of other times for planning and doing.

Euro, that's such better news today I think, in terms of where you're at now. Keep going, it must be stressful and a worry but you're right to keep focused on the end goal. Not long now and you get to meet him/her!

Hi everyone

pout - I don't know if you're reading here too, but I am thinking of you and wanted to send you so much love. I can totally relate to the feelings of stupidity - which are invalid! I wish we weren't self-critical about this. I had a similar feeling when I asked our midwife about whether not having skin to skin after my c section would affect breastfeeding. I felt like a total idiot because she was a bit like - errr... I don't want to get your hopes up, etc etc. I felt like a prize prat for assuming that I would get to have this lovely experience. But we are not stupid. Of course we hope, and keep hoping. For the majority of people, a late period equals a positive test, and ultimately a lovely fat baby. It's just the height of unfairness that things have often been supercraptastic for the lovely women on this thread. It's not our fault that we've been through this. Oh honey I am so sorry.

fox stabbing and treating is an excellent idea. What nice things can you do to make this experience a bit better? If there's any way that you can spoil yourself in the interim - some lovely fresh strawberries, new craft supplies, a picnic with Hare - I say do it.

ten is it sharp stretchy pains? I had those and I think they are normal - it's your uterus accommodating its new passenger - but I know how disconcerting it all is. How are you feeling? Any morning sickness yet?

ray a big special hug to you as always.

cos thanks for your post last night. I suppose I am a bit of an odd specimen on this thread, because I did get pregnant through IVF so easily - once sperm and egg were in the right place, it was all fine - it's just my panda-like ovulation that has been the problem. My eggs are like bloody Halley's Comet. So I am a weird IVF instadiffer, if there could be such a thing. Hope you're doing ok in this odd limbo-like period, post coil removal. And I hope that your holiday is somewhere really, really nice. I really have everything betted on the next few months being a turning point for you. Have your consultants been looking after you and checking in? Or did they just say - give it a go for a few months and then come back and see us?

AFM the transfer went smoothly and I have one five day defrosted twibling on board. The blood test is next Thursday, but I'll probably test earlier this time as I'll be out of town for a bit right afterwards (I leave that Thursday afternoon) and it'd be nice to know before. I don't know when would be the best time to test though after a 5 day transfer.

Wow Critter, amazing news, the twibling is on board. I think 10 days post ov or 5 days post a 5 day transfer would be a good time? Oh, it's so time for a new bfper on here, I have everything crossed for you lovely.

Well done critter thoughts are with you. X

fox sorry for the confusion. I had thought you were on the pill before burserelin. How are you doing?

critter hurrah for a twibling coming home! This must be a very emotional time for you and you seem to be doing amazingly. I think of you a lot and am willing this to work for you.

I'm 30 weeks tomorrow. I'm hating how medicalised this has become (I physically shake when someone talks to me about a section and my stomach lurches as soon as I turn the corner and catch sight of the hospital on the way there) but keeping centime safe is the main thing and I will just have to woman up. After 2 nights of not really sleeping at all fretting about how centime is doing and worrying about the birth, I finally crashed out last night and feel a bit better today. My next monitoring appt is on Monday, and it will be weekly from then until they decide that centime is better off out than in.

ten I don't think the jealousy at people who find it easy ever goes. I'm so pleased your early scan was good and best of luck for the one today. How far along are you now?

All sorts of weird and wonderful pains are normal in my experience. And alarming.

Hugs to all. x

cos thanks so much for the advice on when to test. I have some internet cheapies so will probably do a test on Sunday. When do you leave for your hols?

euro I agree about the jealousy about people who have it easy. I am sorry about the fear of the c section. I was out cold for mine and it wasn't traumatic (what came afterwards was, but not the actual op) but I have also heard that it doesn't have to be a horrible thing - a planned c section can be a calm, present experience, you can still do skin to skin, and MrEuro can be there with you. I know you have a thing about scars but I can honestly say mine looks flat and only a bit pink 5 months on... my (relatively mild) stretchmarks are less pretty than my scar. You have gotten this far and you're on the home stretch now.

doll I am sending a big big big hug your way you lovely lady. A lot of the conversation has moved to FB now and I know you aren't on it, but I still think of you and little doll and that gorgeous pic you posted a couple of years ago and smile. How is tiny doll?

I watched the LEGO movie last night on joy's recommendation to watch something funny, and slept for 9 hours. It was lovely. Feeling a combination of hopeful, sad, and anxious. It's an odd place to be.

Big handhold critter. I know that this must be such an up in the air unknown time and feeling but I'm glad the wait will soon be over. You are in my thoughts a lot.

So is everyone but my brain is mush. I don't feel ill or sad or in pain but I have crushing tiredness like ivf never experienced before and no ability to keep things in my head so am making all sorts of work gaffs. And I'm only four days in! The tired has got a bit worse every day and I found out from the clinic I'll be downregging for 5 weeks at least. Noooooo. I feel like I've just had heavy sedation.

I love that my phone autocorrected I've for ivf. What a sad thing!

critter I'm so happy to hear that all went well yesterday and that you have a twibling on board :) I like the idea of you being an ivf instaduffer. I know you'll be devastated if this isn't a positive but I do think you have great chances with other strong blasts. I understand why you haven't told many people about this, expectation from others isn't helpful.

cos 7 years and you deserve a medal or a baby I do think the septum must be part of the puzzle so I'm hoping for you that you really are in sight of the winning post.

euro the most important thing is centime is being carefully monitored and the doctors will do what is best for you and baby. I know a c section and medicalised birth is your worst nightmare but a planned section is a different prospect to an emergency. You are so strong and will be able to do this with mreuro's support, seeing and holding your baby will be the best reward :) Will your own midwife be with you if you do have to go to hospital?

I don't know if we will go ahead with an August round. Work travel plans might prove to be a problem. Also, dh pointed out that our own doctor will be away for at least 2 weeks of the month and the clinic runs a skeleton staff at this time. I don't feel in a massive rush to get on with it, so maybe we will wait. At least then we can enjoy the summer with no stress. I can't wait for our holiday, I really feel that I need to relax and finally shake off the leftover anxiety and sadness.

Don't have time for a proper catch up. Just wanted to say good luck to critter - I'm keeping everything crossed for you. Willing the gods make this happen for you.

Joy - I personally found counsellor v useful. They are used to tears. I cried for the full 50 mins in every session. I cannot hold tears in when I see a therapist. It's like I put on a brave face to see the world but inside that little room as soon as I walk in I fall apart. Really hopeful that this round is your turn.

Euro. I'm sorry the v medicalised approach is not sitting well with you. Someone gave me some good advice about preparing for birth - you actually have v little control over what you want. I think ivf and ttc prepared me well for that. I have no illusions at all that I actually have a choice. Still I understand craving for normalcy that others have been blessed with.

Woeful catch up but just too much to do. Love to all 10 plussers. I'm cheering you all on and looking forward to seeing cluster BFPs again on this thread.

Euro, I meant to say (cloth brain) that I'm sorry about the hospital fears. Might reading about people's nice experiences of c sections be helpful, maybe thinking about how you want it to be etc? Now I've had my op I feel I got a good feel of what a c section cut might be like. And now it is a pink line and distant memory and as a bonus your lady parts will be as they were. I was very scared on the day of my op and whilst it isn't really that comparable, something took over and I just got through it - humans are pretty amazing like that and look what you've done so far.

Ray maybe that is a good point about staffing etc. maybe having a summer will be good in a let your hair down way. My acu tells me to go and find my 'wild woman' every summer holiday - it makes me smile

Wave to sea.

fox I remember that fog/fug from the burserelin. It's a horrid drug, but given how long you have been on this journey, feeling foggy for a few weeks seems like a small price to pay. Hopefully you will be rewarded with the bone-crushing tiredness and nausea of early pregnancy very soon.

I have been reading positive c section stories and they help a little bit. It's just never going to be how I wanted my birth to be. I was actually looking forward to the birth and felt confident I could deal with the pain. I know it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things and I wish I didn't care but I do. But then I hated every aspect of IVF and desperately wanted to conceive naturally, but it got me where I needed to be in the end, and I guess that is how I have to view a section. I'm just a bit of a hippy at heart so it's a bit ironic that I'e ended up with a heavily medicalised conception and most likely will have a heavily medicalised birth! Sea has it spot on with "the craving for normalcy". But, underneath all that, I am just incredibly grateful to be considering the prospect of any kind of birth. I had begun to doubt that I would ever get this far.

Thank you all for your kind words. They are a comfort. I feel a bit embarrassed about menkulling about this with you all. It's so silly really.

sea how are you doing?

ray looking forward to fab holidays was one of the things that got me through the dark times. They are something that become so much harder with a proto human involved and whilst I could take or leave most of the supposed advantages of being child-free, the one I really did relish was the freedom to have great holidays.

critter the lego movie sounds like it was a good plan. :) After ET on round 4, I went to sing carols with some friends and their kids. Singing gave me the same kind of lift that a good laugh can and I do wonder if that helped.

joy how are things with you?

Thanks Cos I am now 8 weeks, I had a scan yesterday and apparently it all looks ok for now. It was a wierd stabbing pain in one specific place, I had lots of other pains but this one was so intense it made me sick I was slightly concerned it was eptopic so big relief. I have quite a lot of big cysts on my ovaries still which is apparently normal after ivf. No one has ever mentioned this to me and I thought you ladies may be interested to know as if like me you go back to the gym you need to still be conscious you are at risk of ovarian tortion.

Critter I am so glad it all went smoothly. I have everything crossed for the twibling bedding in nicely. As for testing I got a digi positive 9 or 10 days after a three day transfer - so I guess 7 or 8 days to be clear? I couldn't deal with the whole faint line thing.

Euro I am so pleased you have reached 30 weeks. But so sorry about the fact this is causing you extra stress, I hope you can work with your consultant to have a good c section experience, I know a few people who have had them, and if this works I will probably have to for various reasons.

Fox yep I recognise that feeling, it is crappy. It will be worth it in the end just hold onto that.

Ray a summer of fun sounds like a great plan, a great holiday and not thinking about ttc sounds like a good way to prepare for another round.

Waves to all.

Critter - great twinkling is on board. Glad you got in some laughs. So important I think. Hope the next week or so goes quickly.

Euro - 30weeks is just amazing. I am sorry the birth bit is not going to be as you wanted. But as you say from start to finish has not been anything like anyone would want. I guess the one thing to focus on now though is centime's safe arrival and try if you can to forget about the frigging nightmare journey that you've been through and now the lack of control about how she arrives. I am the same though and never even went on the pill as didn't like messing with hormones and here I am doing the one thing I really disapprove of!

Ten - can't remember whether I congratulated you but great news about the scan.

Fox. - may I ask why you have to downreg for 5 weeks , is that normal? Does everyone do that? I feel quite teary just thinking about downreg f'ing and putting my poor ovaries trough all that. Is it really a terrible mind fog? Really may have to send a note to doctor and just say please don't make me downreg.

Cos - so want the next few months to be good for you. Have you been given a supply of progesterone again??

So I guess I am just waiting for my next period which with a bit of luck will never turn up. Haha. No probably will come before end of June and then I think 2 weeks after that I will start. I wish I could muster some positivity. But just have this powerful sense that we just aren't that lucky or not even luck but strong sense this is an impossible feat because there is something fundamentally wrong. Perhaps other people who finally fell pregnant felt like that or perhaps it's because we are unexplained. Can't out my finger on it. Off to do a bit of relaxing stuff now before i wind myself up.

Joy I wanted to just reassure you, it would be unusual to downreg on buseralin for 5weeks I think. When I did long protocol I was on the pill for 6 weeks then a couple of weeks of buseralin. I am totally guessing but I guess it could be because they have to synchronise Fox's cycle with the donor and other recipient?? Sorry fox if I have that totally wrong. Also it isn't ideal, and being a bit slow and stupid is frustrating but you can absolutely get through it, really you can. My feeling is that ivf is often a numbers game, not helpful if you can't afford multiple rounds but that means that this can be the round for you, there is every reason this could work.

Thanks ten glad all was ok with your scan. And yes I have to downreg FOREVER to synch with the other recipient who is behind me unfortunately. The pill wasn't offered annoyingly. Joy for me, dr has not been the hellhole I was expecting though I realise it is early days. I'm bloody tired and forgetful. The feeling for me is like when you've had one too many the night before and slept badly. Not a hangover but nearly. It's bleugh but not unbearable yet. I just did a full on yoga and feel quite proud I made it!

ten that's brilliant news. There is a (slow moving) grads thread over in ante-natal clubs, if you fancy it.

joy I felt pretty close to what you describe. I think being unexplained is tough mentally as you are having this invasive treatment without anyone being able to explain why it might help the situation.

I agree with ten about it being a numbers game.

fox it sounds like you are doing brilliantly. x

ten I remember the stabby pains you describe - are they on the side? I think it's partly that, having done a fresh round, your ovaries are still massive - they are swollen - and combined with your uterus starting to grow, it can be very painful - eg sometimes if you move to get up in bed, your tummy muscles pull on something and it's a very sharp agonising pain. I definitely had that - and in fact had it last night, which is I think from all the oestrogen and progesterone I've been taking swelling up my uterus. Really glad everything looks good though. Just one more month and you'll be into the second tri! I will take your advice on the digi. I've spent too much time staring at lines on ovulation tests. When did you do your test post transfer? Was it 12dpo?

joy I can totally understand why you'd feel like nothing is going to work - but you have been pregnant before - and euro is our poster girl for it being a numbers game. There is every chance that this will be the lucky round. It's balancing the open heart with the self protection. I read through thread 15 (when I was last in the IVF 2ww) and we all seemed more hopeful and more innocent then. The years trying do just kick the optimism out of you and it's hard. Hang in there honey. Soon you'll be on the IVF conveyor belt and it will all be out of your hands, the build up is really tough.

fox you're nearly one week down, and managing the downregging like a champ. One week closer. This time next week you'll be over a third of the way through it. It's annoying that the other recipient is behind you, and I know these 5 weeks will feel like forever, but this time next year I truly believe you will have mini fox cub with you. It's great that you're doing yoga. Stab and treat is the way to keep managing this.

euro I understand your feelings about the birth. If I get pregnant this time I will be sad too about having another c section as like you I was looking forward to the whole 'rite of passage' thing. I would have loved to have a natural birth and will be torn between still wanting that experience and abject terror at something going wrong again. But you can do this, for centime's sake. I guess it's just one of the many things that we do for our future children that we wouldn't choose to do otherwise. Have you seen your hypno lady about your fears? I remember she was great.

ray really annoying about the work commitments, although I can also see why you might want a break through August. If you don't go for the next cycle in August, when would it be?

cos hope you're feeling better now you are decoiled.

AFM all ok here. I don't feel any different. Forgot to take one of the progesterone pessaries the other day and then fretted about it and tried to remember the whole 'art not a science' thing. MrC is very out of sorts - I think this is now as hard for him as it is (and has been) for me, the not-knowing. Looking forward to the weekend.

critter not long until testing day now, lovely. How are you and mr critter feeling?

Critter - I hope you are ok. When is test day? Hope you are bearing up ok.

Euro - when is your next scan?

Fox - hope you are still ok with the DR.

Had an a* baby announcement at the weekend. I am ashamed to say I have been furious ever since and because Roy told me I haven't even sent a message of congratulations yet. I can't muster up the energy to. You would think they would be easier but it just made me remember the conversations I had had with her before she was even engaged about things TTC/mc related and here we still are. Infertility is just so bloody poisonous and toxic.