TTC a lot longer than 10 months past and present

[Cosmonaut1]

A thread full of the loveliest people

It's not insensitive gin. We haven't spoken about it really. I suspect dh wouldn't be keen and I wouldn't push it. I don't really know what I think about it, something to consider for sure.

ray you don't have to make any decisions yet. Just breathe, take one day at a time. You're in the eye of the storm now and it can only get better from here. I am thinking of you all the time.

sea so lovely to hear from you. Do you know your baby's sex, or will it be a surprise? You know, because you got your BFP the same day James was born, I love hearing how far along you are as it's a marker of how far I have come too. Hope that doesn't sound weird.

ten could you use the old 'antibiotics' excuse to avoid boozing and nosy colleagues? Say you've had a terrible UTI? Or just have a glass of wine but don't drink it and discreetly chuck it when nobody is looking? I had a glass of prosecco to celebrate my BFP but then went right off booze, just didn't fancy it.

fox there is every reason for this to work. Googling always sends me into a panic, I don't know why it's so hard to avoid doing it. I was wondering when you'd start downregging? I found it totally fine, but I was fine on the Pill. Do you have an idea of the timeline now? I am excited for you.

nelly interesting that you had a feeling about me. In retrospect I wish I had got on with it when the doctor first suggested IVF (which would have meant cycling with art). I just wasn't mentally ready for it, I suppose - I still thought I might be 'fixed'. Nelly do you have an idea of when you'll start your round? I will be cheering you all the way.

AFM all is well, about to take a few days off and go somewhere sunny to scatter the last of James's ashes at sea this weekend. My parents are flying over and I'm looking forward to it… I want to say goodbye properly before embarking on trying to bring his little brother or sister into the world. I can't believe we're nearly in June. It's been great being so busy and travelling so much - it's helped keep the blackness at bay.

Ten good luck for the blood test today. But you won't need it - two tests can't be wrong.

critter I suspect that the weekend will be poignant but also lovely. I'll be thinking of you.

ray is today OTD?

Hi Gin thanks I don’t think I can get away with that for a full holiday and also it would just be pointless as they would know or assume I was lying and I think that would make it worse. I think I will just tell them as I knew for a couple of my friends from the moment they found out (I have a really strong pregnancy radar) and it was weird avoiding talking about it for two months until they ‘came out’. If it goes wrong then it might make it easier if they know anyway.

Ray it is early to be thinking about decisions etc. OTD is tomorrow right? After that give yourself a break and then if needed you can look at what to do next. I thought that I would look at DS, as I would also look at DE but I haven’t ever discussed with DH – I am not sure what he would think about it at all.

Critter I had dinner with a friend yesterday and drank half a glass of wine so as not to appear odd but I think I will just be honest. It will be a bit of a shock to the girl who was assuring everyone I definitely wasn’t pregnant as she had seen my pill on the counter! It sounds like a lovely plan to scatter James’ ashes somewhere sunny in the sea, I hope it is cathartic for you.

Thanks Euro it is tomorrow. I did a digi yesterday which was positive 1 – 2 weeks. Even if it goes wrong I am just so grateful that for once something has happened, having never had anything happen before. I think I will find it easier to start more treatment if necessary knowing that there is a chance it can work. Third trii! That is great news!

I was convinced it was Friday yesterday ten. I'm clearly longing for the weekend!

Ten and Ray I'm thinking of you both. Ten I hope the numbers are big and strong, and Ray I'm quietly hoping for a surprise for you.

MrN and I talked TTC for the first time in a while just over lunch, but haven't made any decisions yet. I guess DE late summer and meanwhile I continue my ostrich impressions.

Waves to everyone else. Critter I hope the weekend is as peaceful as can be expected. I will be thinking of you all. Of course there is no such thing as closure in these circumstances, but I can imagine it wouldn't have felt right thinking about twiblings before this weekend? A new chapter is approaching perhaps, but James will always be a main character in the book of your life. Much love x

I came on to say basically everything nelly has just posted. She said it perfectly, so I will just second that post!

Nelly and euro thank you so much. Nelly I think there will be a spring baby in your future.

Ray and ten - thinking of you both today.

Oh nelly beautiful words, I so agree.

Much love and hugs to Critter, Ten,Ray,Nelly and you all!

Just popping on to say I'm thinking of ten and ray.

Cos - how are you? I forgot to mention you in my last post. Im really hopeful that the consultations you had made a lot of sense and they have found the cause of why it's not worked for you so far.

Critter - you are v sweet and kind to say that. I do remember my news coincided with your sad news. I so wish that was not the case and I really hope it doesn't cause you any sadness at all. I'm 22 weeks tomorrow and it's a boy. I just know in my bones that you will have twiblings v soon and James will always be your special boy. A big hug to you.

Re Clexane I was v suspicious about it myself and as Joy said my clinic also gave it as standard. I'm still on it and have felt is it really necessary but my scan at FMC convinced me that it's a good thing to take. The doc there told me blood flow to placenta is a common issue and Clexane is the best for that. I think I will be on it till the end.

Happy Friday all

Ray thinking if you

Thanks for your thoughts can I ask how long each of you took progesterone for after you bfp? I only have one week left and I wondered whether that was normal or more nhs cost cutting? Blood can back fine so if all still continuing a scan in two weeks.

Hope you all have lovely weekends Critter especially will be thinking of you.

Ten I'm still on progesterone and I'm 22 weeks tomorrow.

ten Create told me to take it to 12 weeks and then I had a few spare so I tapered for the next week.

That's great news about the blood test result.

sea 22 weeks already. That's fantastic. Over the halfway hump.

Thinking of you ray.

Just slowly catching up after a hiatus. I am thinking of all of you.

I am at some of the comments you ladies have endured over the last little bit.

ray - I'm thinking of you. I wish I could change the outcome for you. It really isn't fair.

Ten - congrats

joy and critter - thinking of both of you and the upcoming cycles.

anyways, I'll keep reading along to get myself up to date.

ray how are you doing? I have been thinking of you.

joy and critter I have also been thinking of you gearing up for your next cycles. I hope you are both doing ok.

ten is it sinking in yet? How are you feeling? BTW, there is a 10+er grads thread on the ante-natal boards and also an IVF menkulling thread in Pregnancy if you fancy joining either of those.

Hi everyone

Back from scattering ashes - it was actually lovely despite some family stress (inevitable I suppose) with parents finding it all quite tough. We all sprinkled a pinch of him into the sea, and watched him sparkle off in a little cloud in the clear warm water.

Today is CD1 and my saline sono is next week.

Ray I have been thinking of you lots. Hope you're doing ok.

Sea I am so happy that you're over the halfway mark. You have had a tough old road to get where you are. A boy, how lovely. Dinosaurs and fire engines.

Euro thanks for checking in. Hope you're feeling ok. You must be nearly in the third tri!

Joy when do you start?

I had a rocky start to the weekend, when I went swimming in the sea I felt James's presence very strongly. I went swimming the exact same time last year there when I was six weeks pregnant. The water was shining and empty and huge and I started crying as I felt a great wash of something coming over me. But I feel better now, and I think there is sunlight ahead, for all of us.

Cos, fox, pout and nelly - thinking of you all brave ladies.

Sweet - so lovely to hear from you. How is your little guy?

Lovely image of a sparkly cloud, critter. I can understand how tough it will have been for you and your family. I've been thinking of you and often wish I knew you in real life so I could give you a hug. What is a sono scan?

I'm fine. Period has arrived and it's a bit yucky and heavy. I was very upset on Friday and Saturday but then perked up a bit. I have been feeling very anxious though, it's ok during the day but I'm not sleeping well and keep having panicky attacks where I wake up and feel that my heart is pounding or I can't breathe. I know it's because just before I fall asleep I'm thinking about never having a baby and what I'm going to do with my life.m I'm sure it will pass. I think we're going to take a ttc break for a bit. I don't want or feel ready to go through another ivf cycle just yet. A summer without stress would be nice, I think I've reached the limit of what I can cope with in terms of disappointment and I need to concentrate on getting happiness back.

How is everyone else?

Panic attacks sound awful ray. I am so sorry sweetheart. Can totally imagine wanting a little rest from the trauma you've had to endure. I would love to give you a hug too. You are such a special person and you've been through hell over the past few years - more than anyone should ever have to go through. I hope that your clinic can provide some helpful advice. Sending you love and strength.

A saline sono is I think where they squirt some salt water in your uterus and then take a look around with a small camera to check for scarring or polyps. I think the doc recommended it because of my recent c section.

Well it's twibling time kick off chez Critter. Just got a call from the nurse - I go in tomorrow morning for baseline blood tests and to get started with oestrogen tablets etc. If everything looks ok on the saline sono next week, FET will be this cycle.

ray - I'm so sorry to hear about the anxiety. I second critter on the big hugs that are needed. My sister and I had a long talk about getting/finding happiness in our lives - unrelated to TTC, but it was much needed for both of us early on in our adult lives after a bit of a messed up childhood. I understand that need. So I'm sending positive thoughts your way.

critter - I am so sorry to hear about the sadness in the ocean. I think of you and little James so often. Big hugs from over here.
I hope everything looks good and the FET can start. I really am hoping for a twibling for James. My little guy is doing well, he is 4 months old now and I still can't really believe it.

Critter – i felt tingly when I read your message. What a very stressful and upsetting thing to have to do for all of you and your parents. There is something very hard and poignant about thinking back to a year ago and not knowing at the time what was going to happen but this time next year I have no doubt your life will be very different again but in a much better way. I’m glad cd1 is here and your sono is all booked and FET will be here shortly. A new chapter now.

Ray – i feel so sad to read your message. Sad but total understanding of what you are going through and those horrible panic attacks. As if failed ivf wasn’t enough to contend with. I think it’s a good idea to give yourself a break and think of a clear summer ahead. I’m sure it will give you extra energy and strength to come up with a plan whenever you are ready. Have you got anything nice planned over the summer to get your mojo back? Partly me going off to do something else in my life was all to do with trying to finding some happiness again. I came to the conclusion that I was waiting for something I had no control over and as year after year came and went, I just had nothing to show for them and really had nothing positive to say about those years. Obviously my new thing hasn’t cured the sadness and worry, it has been more of a distraction and a challenge which I have found quite important.

I’m waiting for my period to start and should come within the next few days, then i’ll be trying to book in for a dummy transfer and 3d scan. I’m not sure when i can start after that. I have to say whilst i’m very grateful for this shot, I’m dreading it. Not helped by the worry of how I will manage it around work again. Plus I really don’t want to down reg and I have a very strong feeling that everything that we have been told about poor embryos, never any frosties will be confirmed. It’s also making me quite panicky and I’ve been feeling a bit bitter towards certain friends later....especially when they tell me how gorgeous and amazing their babies are...My problem I know and normally I don’t have a problem but ivf looming enhances comments like this. (So much for my side distraction!)

Great news that you can start the fet so soon critter. I think it sounds like you're doing the same protocol I did.

Joy, I feel like ttc has taken up the best part of 4 years. I'm not the person I used to be. I want to be happy deep down again. Your new thing will be a good distraction for you. I have a good feeling about this cycle. I was really fine with downregging so don't worry it's not always bad :)

Critter, I can picture you in the water and the presence of James so vividly. You are in a real crossroads of past and future now and it must be so thought consuming in both good and poignant ways. I'm glad you had this weekend and have been thinking of you a lot. I'm so excited for you that you get to start cycling and can only see good things in the year ahead. Words never really seem enough to convey everything I'd like to say to you critter. Big hug.

Ray. Oh ray, I'm sorry you've felt panicky. This is the worst bit of the rollercoaster now. I totally understand you wanting to get off, regroup and find your happiness mojo. It is out there! Have summer,grab it by the balls and have some fun. Ttc will be there after you've let your hair down and said fuck the lot of it, if and when you want to talk to it again. I have managed to find the mojo more this past year. I don't think, if all efforts at ttc fail for me, it will ever be ok but I do believe it will be mostly alright. But bums to that anyway as I so see you at the destination you want. Hold on in there.

Joy - this cycle could work for you, I do believe that. It may be that without all the drugs and perhaps less every day stress (I know - that is a joke to say really, hope you know what I mean) your body finds a different flow, who knows. I love that you have a current outlet of interest and am fascinated!

Hello sweet. Thanks for thinking of us and touching base.

Ten - how goes it pregnant lady?

How is everyone else? Buzzy are you around?

My update is that my scratch is next week - how have people found that as I'm at work that day and have a big weekend away. Does the pain last? Or is it like a hurty smear that goes away? I'm downregging on cd1, will be having clexane and embryoscope. If not this one, full immunes and keep on trucking. It occurred to me that the time rush has been removed. I'd love my mum to be a granny whilst she's still active but other than that, not sure what my big hurry is.

my god fox, you're on the move...this is so exciting. how do you feel about everything? I hear you on wanting your mum to be a granny whilst active and she will be. it's fox time now.

ray - i know. i 'm not the person i was either. It has been spectaculary good at shattering confidence, don' t you find? But we will all come out of this stronger and better people, I truly truly believe that. We just have to find some determination to keep on trucking. Easier said than done when we are slaves to our emotions.

critter that sounds lovely and poignant at the same time. I'm not surprised you had a good cry. I'm sure that you are walking into sunlight.

I hope the sono next week gives you the all clear to get going on growing a twinbling. x

ray the anxiety is not at all surprising. You have been through so much. I needed some time off after my 3rd round. I had just had enough and needed to be me for a while rather than the crazy ttc lady. I threw myself into work, got myself back in shape and got back on the wine. We were planning to take from the end of that cycle in August 2013 to early 2014 off but I just felt ready to go again in December so we squeezed that 4th one in before Xmas at the last minute (so I didn't spend a lot of time thinking about it in advance and winding myself up about it). I really needed that break, even if it wasn't as long as originally planned. It did me the power of good.

joy at the CRGH open day they had a timeline with the scan and dummy transfer happening the cycle before the IVF cycle, so you could be up again very soon.

fox it's great that the time pressure has been relieved for you. I felt such pressure to get on with the cycles because of that. I had the scratch for my 4th cycle and I found it fine. Getting the catheter in hurt more than the scratch itself. I was quite alarmed when I asked them if it was done and they hadn't started, but then the scratch itself was practically painless! I don't even think I had spotting. If I did, it was minimal. It did mess my period up a bit though. I usually have an hour of so of cramps, and then it's off, like someone turned on a tap. Post-scratch I had a couple of days of yucky brown spotting, which was unhelpful as it was my most difficult cycle ever for identifying CD1 and it was the only time I really needed to as I was starting stimms on CD2. So maybe be prepared for some changes on that front.

AFM, I'm 26+6 today and hit the third tri tomorrow. I really never thought I would be here. I feel so lucky (and still a bit terrified) but in the past few weeks it has all started to feel a bit more real.

Euro - 3rd tri is amazing. It must feel scary but incredible at the same time. I can't remember did you have any drugs for this round or was it completely natural?

Thanks for the info on the crgh -