TTC a lot longer than 10 months past and present

[Cosmonaut1]

A thread full of the loveliest people

Just popping in quickly to wish you all a very happy Easter I think of you all lots and keep reading hoping to learn of more bfps. Easter always seemed to coincide with treatment for us and seems poignant - our first awful EC was on Easter Monday and ginster went back in on Good Friday last year.

critter James' service sounds beautiful. I hope you are having a lovely, relaxing and healing time with family.

euro I had the blood flow issue. I'll PM you, but please don't worry . It will be fine and most likely resolved by your next scan.

Big luffs to all xx (and a slap for Roy's baaaaad 'joke')

Gin! How lovely too see you I'm so glad you can reassure euro. It amazes me that mini gin was just an egglet a year ago. It really isn't so long from a bfp to a little person is it? I miss you and all the grads. But I'm glad you're where you are :)

aaah Gin, lovely to hear from you!!! So pleased you can reassure euro as well.

Fox - i could have written your post and recently had a conversation with a friend who has been trying a while about exactly the same thing. For some reason a horrible side effect of infertility is anxiety. I can only describe mine as chronic and my fear for Roy (despite his twatty joke) and losing him is something I worry about on a daily basis. I check his breathing at night. I go and find him in the garden if i haven't seen him for a bit. I check his Skype profile is online when I get to work so I know he has got to work safely. Horrible thoughts flash through my head and like you I am always expecting the worst. . I also have a sixth sense about bad news phone calls from my parents. I seem to have had quite a few over the last 4 years. A couple of weeks ago< i felt something was wrong when I saw my mother calling me and she rang to say my grandmother had died.
Like you i'm prone to fret but it is now extreme. Feeling panicky that something has happened if Roy doesn't respond to an email.

But i'm not sure why infertility does this. I've looked it up and it is a common problem and my friend has the same problem. I actually think I need help!!

euro Just to clarify he and I are not related hope gin can reassure you

joy at Roy, some men just don't think do they

fox I have bought from purlbee, the quality is lovely although I haven't actually made anything with the stuff yet

No time to post properly just now. But needed to say that fox and joy, everything you have written could be me. Ive become very anxious recently, and I wanted to post to ask if anyone else was feeling like this. I feel better knowing I'm not alone, but sad to think that you're both suffering too.

gin I seem to be following you - same clinic, 5 celler at day 3 and now the blood flow thing. I'd be very interested in hearing about your experience. I hope all is well with you both. x

joy what a silly comment from Roy.

Haha buzz I hadn't even noticed that.

Right, better go an shower myself before midwife shows up. Luffs to all. x

Good luck with the midwife euro. Hopefully she'll be able to reassure you about the blood flow thing. Are you planning on a home birth?

Happy Easter Monday everyone!

fox, joy and ray I think the increased anxiety is completely normal. When MrM was ill last week and I had quarantined myself in the spare room I started panicking (thanks Mr. Google) that his symptoms were evidence of encephalitis or meningitis and I shouldn't have left him alone in case something horrible happened in the night. Totally over the top but sometimes the fears just take over. I think it is so hard for any of us to believe that things might work out okay in the end, despite the fact that we all have lots of really wonderful things in our lives. Just wanted to say that you are not alone!

Good luck today euro and I'm glad that you have a supportive and available midwife. Hopefully she and gin can help to alleviate some of your worries about the blood flow issue.

critter it does sound like you have picked a lovely spot for James and the ceremony sounded perfect. We had a glorious weekend weather wise and I hope that support from family and the new growth of spring helps you to look forward with some optimism. I'll be curious to hear what the fancy doctors recommend for your FET.

I have just looked up Purl Bee - how have I not known about this before????

cos a lack of clear answers must be so frustrating. I would be really interested to know how much of an impact the septum can have on sustaining a pregnancy and I also think of sar and her miraculous bfp after surgery. You will get there lovely.

2 weeks to mat leave here and I am so not ready. This whole scenario still seems surreal. MrM is cracking on with painting and I'm sewing and knitting while procrastinating about writing up all the reports that are still to be done before finishing work. We are so due some more bfps on this thread and I have faith that they will come soon. Big waves to everyone that I've missed.

Euro good luck with the midwife. I would get the blood flow thing checked out, can't hurt to be extra conservative and cautious. But I obviously am worst case scenario and will be crazed with anxiety for any future pregnancies. I really hope you can get s

Argh. Posted too soon.

Was going to say - I really hope you can get some reassurance.

Madness purl bee is amazing. So much gorgeous stuff and their baby designs are mega cute. I can't remember - did you have frosties? Awesome that your mat leave is coming up so soon.

Joy and fox and ray - yes yes yes on the anxiety. I am not an anxious person at all. I am famed for being 'staunch' and steady natured in my family. But if you go through shit it is bound to make you more aware of all the crap stuff that can happen. I think it might have been art who was saying that after her dad's death it was like a curtain between her and all the terrifying bad things that could go wrong had been pulled back. You don't feel cocooned from bad luck when you've had an awful time of things.

Buzz your story made me laugh. Love the skewer on the barbee comment.

All well here. Leaving for the US tomorrow and seeing euro this weekend, then work is about to get very busy with a lot of travel for the next four weeks, which is probably a good thing. And then it's mid may, and I'll be only two months away from ttc time again.

Cos am sending you love. Hope you're ok.

Also fox which baby trousers are you referring to? The ones with the liberty fabric patch on the bum? So cute. You will have a little person in the oven who you will be able to put them on by this time next year I reckon. Gin shows us how fast it can change. This time last year I was gearing up to IVF. James wasn't even in existence yet.

Critter it is those! I have bought orange fabric though which is not quite as demure but if I knew a girl was coming I'd make some just like that. Thank you for saying you can imagine a baby coming. I still get a lot of comfort from people saying that. These days I feel a lot lot more positive about adoption, it's amazing how things shift. But I do think the letting go of genes has made a big difference there. And I'm a lot more happy to sidestep pregnancy these days too. Make sure you build rest time in too over busy work weeks. I'm jealous of a critter/euro meet up! I still look forward to our future huge 10 plus reunion with ttc bonfire. It will happen. It is also of comfort that I'm not alone in my hyper alertness to potential bad things though of course I wish none of us felt this - thank you critter, joy and ray for sharing. Art summed it up well. Not being able to have children was way up there in my Life's Huge Fears. It has come true. So I guess it is normal to feel that the blinkers to life's shitty hands have been torn off. We never do know what's round the corner and as humans we are pretty good at not dwelling too heavily on the bad things that might befall us but I feel I've become de skilled. I really liked my counsellor for the de stuff and am thinking of seeing her again to talk about this stuff and strategies for making it not so very intense.

Euro - was your midwife able to support and reassure?

Hi all,

The midwife was pretty reassuring. She suggested perhaps having a reassurance scan at 24 weeks, but it seems we won't really know if it will resolve itself if it is going to until 28 weeks. She said that is the point when they would refer to a consultant, if it hasn't resolved. She seemed quite relaxed about it. I am still worried but it seems like if things go wrong before 28 weeks there isn't much they can do anyway, so it is just a case of more waiting. I'll see how I'm doing in a couple of weeks and might book in for the 24 week scan she suggested.

Whatever was bothering me for the last couple of days (I've been really out of sorts) seems to have passed, and we had a nice walk in the sunshine around Greenwich this afternoon which has lifted my spirits a bit I hope you all had nice days. x

Two weeks mad - wow! How many weeks will you be when you start mat leave?

Critter I'm looking forward to it. I think you're flying about 3 hrs after me. Knowing that airport, I might still be waiting in the eternal immigration line for forrins when you arrive!

I can't believe you're over half way now euro I'm pleased the midwife was able to reassure you. If you were an instaduff then issues like the blood flow might not even register with you, but I think because of our histories we focus on every negative thing and don't expect a smooth ride. Another scan in a few weeks sounds like a good plan if it will help reassure you. Do you get on well with your midwife? Will she be the one who also delivers baby centime?

critter It sounds like you've picked a beautiful spot for James. I hope this trip home has helped you in the healing process. I'm sure the next few weeks will fly by. How are you feeling physically? Are you fully recovered from the c section?

fox did you watch the series on adoption that was on channel 4 recently? 15000 kids. I saw it on youtube after coming across a thread on here about it. It's well worth watching if adoption might be part of longer term plans.

I'm flip flopping about the whole baby thing at the moment. Lots of time spent with children recently has made me wonder whether it's what I really want. I had forgotten how all consuming they are, and even when cute and well behaved they are also messy and loud, selfish and manipulative (that's probably the wrong word, but you know what I mean). But I think that's because with other people's children you don't have the overwhelming love and rose tinted glasses. All I know is that I don't feel so bothered about ttc stuff just now, and it's quite nice.

On the fretting front. I'm terrible for this. I worry about losing people I love, or about people getting sick. Or that I am sick. Dh travels a lot for work and I cannot relax while he is away. It has definitely got worse recently, and I think it stems from a fear of being alone. I also agree that not being able to have children was probably one of my childhood fears and it's come true so shit stuff does happen.

Waves to everyone.

Ray – I feel you on not being able to relax when DH is away. It’s nice that TTC is not bothering you as much right now.

Fox – DH’s family has a history of adopting children, they have all had positive experiences with the children.

Critter – the spot you have found for James sounds gorgeous. I understand your concerns about future worries. I think once something bad happens we always half expect or prepare ourselves for the worst.

Mad – Two weeks! That is amazing.

Euro – lol at your story. For future reference, it is infections à levures. Champignons is usually reserved for some pretty nasty stuff where I am from.

Joy – It sounds like you have some really amazing friends.

Cos- Big hugs

Thanks for all the well wishes for my kitty – she ended up getting mouth surgery to remove some teeth. She has some form of osteoporosis in her teeth and something got caught in a small hole and caused a massive infection. She is on antibiotics now for a month. Luckily she should make a full recovery.

I agree with mad that the thread is very much due for an explosion of bfps. They seem to come in clusters on the thread and I think it is definitely time for it to happen for you lovely ladies.

Ray, Fox, Joy, Critter - it's breaking my heart to read about your feelings of anxiety. Long term TTC really does rip the heart out of someone well and truly and then stamp on it forever more. Although anxiety is a normal response to life's traumas, that doesn't take away from the actual reality of living day to day with it being on an emotional and physical knife edge. It is an evil and heavy burden. I'm so sorry. I wish I could make these feelings go away. Like someone said, there is some comfort in knowing that others are having the same emotions and you are not going mad. I really don't think society realises how heavy and horrendous ttc is when fertility treatment options have already been tried. Grrrr, shakes fist at universe. Rant over! Just wanted to offer a small slice of empathy. I remember that evil sickening feeling of fear all too well.

Critter - James' resting place sounds beautiful - fitting for a beautiful boy. I know I've said this before but James really is a fabulous name! I love it. Oh Critter you have had to deal with so much pain. The readings and psalm that were read at his service are wonderful. I hope the next few weeks fly by leading up to FET. My FET's were a natural cycle which from an emotional point of view made things much easier. But you need to be sure of timings so this option only works well in these circumstances. Hope you and Euro have a great meet up - have some 10 plusser infused cocktails (virgin for Euro of course) and put the world to rights!!!

Euro - eegghh, what an annoying thing to occur about the blood flow. I totally agree with Gin that it is soooo unlikely to amount to anything serious but I wouldn't dream of telling you not to worry as it will need monitoring clearly. If you can compartmentalise that little annoying part of your pregnancy and focus on the good stuff then that does help - not all that easy I know. I am delighted that your midwife seems to be a good one. This makes ALL the difference believe me. Have a great trip and please give our dear critter an almighty hug from me. Sending you a squeezy hug too.

Fox - whooaaa, lots and lots happening for you. Goodness me I can't believe how fast things are happening. I can totally understand how your mind is flitting around. But I am delighted to see that you are open minded to and becoming comfortable with the DE /adoption option. I am 100% confident that you WILL get your baby. I know the reduced egg production when you did your ivf cycle was shocking and upsetting - but you do make eggs. I suppose what I am trying to say is grab life with both hands and if DE or adoption come to meet you, then meet them with an open heart. I think it could go anyway for you Fox. I see you in the future with a DE baby, plus an adopted baby and do you know what.....maybe even a spontaneous conception baby too. One way or another it will happen and you will be a wonderful, fabulous, nurturing mother. What a lucky child! And most importantly it will be YOUR baby!

Ray - I know what you mean about spending time with other peoples children being slightly off putting. It does make you question if you want babies full stop. I remember thinking I had no maternal instinct and what the hell was I doing in pursuit of something that didn't look too much fun - such a strange mix of feelings. I have very good feelings for you about this next round. I know you can't constantly cycle all you life from a cost and emotional perspective but there is so much good stuff in your camp that I can't help but feel its a matter of time.

Joy - So sorry about the twatty comment from Roy (will let him off though seen as though he is a good 'un most of the time) and sorry for the general sloggyness of ttc. What on earth is going on with that songbird. Somebody needs to shoot it down from its branch right now. Good grief what will make it go away??!! you have my sympathies. I am very intrigued by your new venture that you hinted at.....??? Sending lots of positive vibes. I still believe for you Joy - 100%!!

Madness - 2 weeks!! Oh my word. I am so excited for you. Are you nesting like mad or sleeping like a kitten?

Cos - I am half excited and half cross about that septum!. You know this really could be the issue for you. Structural issues are picked up far less than they use to be as surgery is more expensive that IVF and so we are slotted in to treatment options which might not suit the original fertility issue. Could you look at NHS option for the surgery to avoid payment? Although I do understand you might want someone specific to do the surgery. Hang on in there Cos - just you wait and see what this year brings.

Hello to my twinny Gin. xx

I am well and just negotiating some keeping in touch days with work - bleeeuuurrrgghh! Thinking of everyone here and I am never ever far away if anyone wants a chat.

Posting briefly, I have been reading but in a bit of a hole not sure where it has come from you know how it goes…!

Critter – It sounds like you had a lovely service for James. I cant believe that you are swimming lochs in April, well hard!

Euro Glad you had a nice trip. Sorry to hear about the new worry. I think I know a couple of people who have had an earlyish delivery due to this. Hopefully it will all be rectified by the time you have your next scan.

Joy – Sorry did snigger at running London dry of bird treatment, am sure it is not funny irl though. Less funny way Roys attempt at humour, not a good idea at all that one.

Fox - Yes the worrying – I have always had a tendency to worry but am generally quite good at ignoring it. TTC has lowered my ability to drown it out with other positive stuff and also because usually the irrational things you worry about you can do something about but with this I just feel so stuck. Good luck getting the extra drugs immunes on the nhs. Sorry to hear it is a bit of a battle atm.

Cos hopefully the op could sort everything, I really hope so.

Buzz Brilliant badger story!

Waiting to start this round, still, for once af is late when I really want to get going, I am hoping that getting going will stop the feeling of hopelessness a bit. This kind of moping feeling is alien to me and I am not enjoying it. Lots of announcements and baby showers just to put the icing on the cake!

It's still very quiet on here, we'd fallen off the first page. I hope everyone is ok and silence is a good sign.

ten I'm sorry you've been in a hole. The waiting to start a round is just awful and I can totally sympathise with that. Are you doing anything different this round?

critter are you back home now? I think you asked about the fet. I will be doing a medicated cycle because my cycles are not particularly regular. They can be between 30 and 35 days long and ovulation day can vary. The doctor said medicated would make timings easier and also he said they had slightly better success rates than with natural fet rounds. He said they weren't sure why but think it's because the lining is better with a medicated round. I won't be doing injections though. It will be pessaries of estrodiol. I have to start by taking 1 twice a day on day two and this gradually increases. I have a first scan on day 7. Progesterone is given after transfer (if we get that far) and I suspect I'll be given cleaxane and maybe aspirin too. Does anyone know if you're given anything to stop you ovulating naturally or do you ovulate so you have the right hormones to help implantation?

DH is going to pick up the prescription today because I think af should be here at the weekend, although my last few cycles have been long ones. I have sore boobs so I'm sure I'm post ovulation. I don't feel particularly excited about this, it feels like something I have to do before we can move on to another round of full ivf. I very much got the impression from the dr that he didn't think the quality of these embyos was very good so I think it's better for me to assume it won't work. They're going to defrost the straw with three embryos in it, if they all defrost I think I'm going to take the risky decision to have all 3 put back because they're not going to be able to choose which one is the best one at day 2.

joy has the bird left you? Can your GP refer you to a specialist? I wonder if it might be worth posting on the general health board on here if you need some advice, I bet recurrent thrush is something loads of women suffer with.

Thanks for the tip sweet. I can't believe my trusty harraps dictionary let me down! Still at least it allowed me to entertain some French pensioners.

Ray I have never done one but I think you usually ovulate on an fet cycle. It's this that helps them to work out when the em ice should go back, depending on how many days old it is.

I'm in crittertown at the moment and wonderfully jet lagged. So is centime, who is currently using my insides as an adventure park. It's not 6am here yet... Zzzzzz.

Ten are you still at the clinic I used? For my last round they had some new staff and I have to say I preferred them.

Fox I hope you are doing ok. You have so much to take in.

Joy I hope the songbird has finally flown for a while.

Btw, I'm at a meeting for my entire dept worldwide and most people didn't know I was pg, so I have been getting a lot of attention and have had the same conversation at least 30 times (when's it due, boy or girl, how long are you taking off). It's lovely though to finally be in this position. It's amazing how when you open up about struggles conceiving you find many others in the same position. I haven't gone into details with work folk but mentioned to a few that we had a long tough road to get this far. One guy told me that he and his wife tried for 5 years to have their first and another said that both his kids are ivf babies. It's nice to feel like less of an outlier.

Hi everyone

euro I am up and in an empty office too. Shall we meet on the early side tomorrow? I'll PM you. Totally agree about how nice it is to open up to people once pregnant. I loved all those conversations and chats, such a joy after waiting so long. People are so nice to you when you're pregnant! It's just lovely. Great that centime is so active.

ten sorry you're in a hole my love. It comes and goes. Sending you a tight squeeze and cake.

ray thanks for posting about your FET - I was interested to read about it as I think my cycle will be medicated too, when I get there, given the irregularity of my cycles. I think I would put in three too in your position. I am sorry the doctor isn't more encouraging about the embie quality, but who knows what will happen once they are in there. Courage!

sweet glad your kitty is ok. Poor little thing.

sar I love your posts. Thank you for saying lovely things. We picked James because it was a family name on both sides, but also because it was the name my parents gave their stillborn son, who they had before me and sister critter. Kind of odd how life works out. I still absolutely love the name... we also really loved the nickname Jimmy and thought that would be really cute and 50s - but I now wonder whether it should maybe be retired in my family for a few generations. We can't agree on any other boys' names though so who knows what will happen if the future hypothetical twibling is a boy. Hope little sar is ok, I remember she had some health worries.

All ok here. About to be travelling a lot for work starting next week, which should make the next three weeks fly past. I'm going to email our RE (reproductive endocrinologist) in mid-May, two months before the waiting period is up, to find out what the next steps are. Am thinking I will definitely do the FET rather than taking my chances with an attempt at natural conception. It's too stressful to wait and see what my cycles are going to do, when my fertile windows happen so rarely - I'm on CD18 and haven't ovulated and my temps are all over the place.

critter - thanks for thinking of my kitty. Your future plans sounds very sensible and I'm glad work will help make time fly. Since the pregnancy my cycles have been very similar to yours. I had meant to add ages ago that I found our histories in terms of strong birth control pills, weight flux and PCOS very similar. On a separate note, my grandfather was named for a sibling who had passed before he was born (in our culture it's considered good luck). But I understand the desire to maybe want a fresh name. I have to say I also love the name James, but it didn't go with MrGrouch's last name.

euro - You aren't alone in providing humor to locals with pharmacy debacles. If only I had thought to bring a spanish-english dictionary on my honeymoon - I had to mime vomiting and diarrhea at a pharmacy .

ray - The FET sounds sensible. I'm sorry you just feel that's its another step or hurdle towards another IVF cycle. I think you're making the right choice to have all three transferred.

Ten - sorry you are in a whole. I hope the moping feeling doesn't last too long for you. It's hard when RL events just seem to pile it on all at once.

ugh just realized I spelled hole as whole. Sorry ten.

Af is here, it's early! Dh got the prescription but they weren't intravaginal ones like of stated on my treatment plan but normal tablets. They're HRT so the leaflet only talks about menopausal women taking it. So I'm going to have to call the clinic and ask if this is right. I don't want to take an oral tablet to find out I did it at the wrong end!