TTC a lot longer than 10 months past and present

[Cosmonaut1]

A thread full of the loveliest people

Critter – that’s good news about your periods. I think they’ll be messed up anyway for a while but surely a hopeful sign that something positive could be happening with you? I am so sorry about the panic attack. Panic attacks do tend to be a chemical thing in the brain. You have been through a hell of a trauma so it’s no wonder that reading something will set one off. If you have one again, you should look in to the tapping technique which can really help control the waves of panic > There are some good YT videos out there about it and it is proven to work. Sending you much love. You have been through so much already, you don’t deserve more crap.

Cos – i can’t believe you haven’t got your results yet. I thought they had posted them? Does colleague know about your situation? I think all of us probably recoil when we see scan pictures. Roy has fumed about them to me in the past. I don’t think there is anything deeper going on there, it’s just a reaction to years of having the shit kicked out of you from every fertility angle. I understand people are excited and in awe of scan pictures, they are incredible but when it’s the one thing you want, you are going to react adversely to it. It’s partly habit as well I expect like I always seem to roll my eyes when I see a woman with one of those bump on board badges – they just really irritate me and they are everywhere. What is your appointment with Mr RR going to entail next week?

Nelly – so glad you have found a new lurve with hobble. Not long before those antibs are over. I can’t remember which ones they were but one lot I took felt like I had swallowed poison. It took 24 hours before I got my taste back. I didn’t get on with them.

Fox – I hear you on rustling up the energy to get cracking with ivf. It’s tiring. It still surprises me how a number of us got wacky cycles as soon as we started ttc. There has to be something in that.

Ten – yuk at the ‘life has meaning’ comment. Buzz – you’re hilarious with the lobotomy comment. Here here Critter , the Dalai Lama indeed. I think people should choose their audience carefully and perhaps only talk about the wonders of parenthood with other parents (after all, one wouldn’t talk about the beauty of marriage and having a hubby to a single person). It is especially annoying when the comment has an underlying message that basically says, “YOUR life doesn’t have/can’t have meaning until you have kids”. Those people can go screw themselves. In spite of that I have often felt my life won’t have meaning without kids which speaks volumes about my life or more to the point about how fertility has taken it over. Anyway, if infertility has done one thing for me, it has awakened me to the fact that I have been sitting around for the last 4 years trying, waiting, hoping for some pipe dream. I feel like my life ground to a halt in 2010 and I am sure if I had had a baby back then, I would be one of those women who had nothing else to talk about it but their baby. So I can thank infertility for a huge lesson in self awareness. I’m now in the process of changing direction completely and it really will give me something else beyond my ovaries to focus on. Literally time for me to try and get a life alongside everything. Not sure how I’m going to be able to do ivf with this other stuff going on. I might have to put it on the back burner until July/August if the hospital allows me to.

Saw the GP about the bird. I now have a 6 month prescription of Canestan. I think what is happening is that i am not getting rid of it properly because at £12 a shot, I limit myself to one canestan a month. When af comes and the ph balances goes back to normal, the itching stops and so I think i am safe again where as in factual fact, it is still there. Bathed in baking soda the other night – thanks who ever recommended that. Will continue to try that.

Another lot of drivel from me above. Apologies!

Hi guys

Quiet on here this week... I guess we are all either just waiting around for IVF cycles or test results, or graduating. I'm in the UK next week - actually will be reasonably close to nelly and madness but will be with family for James's memorial so prob won't be able to drive off for a meet up.

dev thanks so much for the tapping idea. I will look that up. I think I had heard of it but have never really looked into it. Very exciting about you having a new project. I can so relate to the feeling that life is on hold. I feel the same way - I took my current job because it was family friendly and offered (by American standards) good maternity leave. I feel like I've been in stasis for 3 years. Having James was like running a marathon and then being told you're disqualified at the finish line and have to start training again. But. This is just our path. And as you say, it does make you think about other areas of your life and developing those. For me that has been creative pursuits. I also thought article [[http://www.nytimes.com/2014/04/08/opinion/brooks-what-suffering-does.html?_r=0]] would be a good read for us all. I hope the Canesten works. Agree that it might be a good idea to treat Roy as well, in case you are passing something between you. I'm glad the bicarb is working... I might try that on my 'stress rash' - have had patches of eczema flare up since going back to work, which I am sure are psychosomatic. If you didn't put off IVF until July/August, when would you start? If you do wait until then, I will offer you a clammy paw to hold.

cos I think an 'urgh' response is totally natural. It's harder for you because your misery is not out in the open, so people don't know that you are sensitive to baby stuff. Scan pictures are amazing, but not when they are sprung on you by people who don't see babies as the fragile and non-taken-for-granted blessing that they are. I would have probably been just as insensitive if I hadn't been through all this. Great that you have another appointment with the Dr next week. Is this for another check up or will he suggest a course of action for you, do you think?

You're absolutely right, in just over a week I will be at the half-way 3 month point for TTC again. I did have periods when I was younger - they were about every 7 weeks, so not 'normal' exactly, but they were reasonably regular. I think a combination of taking a strong Pill (Dianette, then Yasmin) for nearly 10 years, on and off, plus weight fluctuations of about a stone, threw my hormones off balance. I do have polycystic ovaries, but I think that taking the Pill for ages, and my weight wobbles, disrupted things. I cannot believe that if I'd never taken BCP and had stayed the same weight that my periods would have eventually stopped. Anyway. Pretty sure my last two bleeds have been anovulatory, as I am charting, so we will see what happens over the next three months.

ten a holiday sounds like an excellent idea. It's always lovely to have something fun to look forward to.

Gah. Ugly link fail. Sorry.

Trying again: www.nytimes.com/2014/04/08/opinion/brooks-what-suffering-does.html?_r=0

Evening all,

Wishing you all the best for the journey and memorial critter. Spring is feeling more like it has finally sprung up here - I even hung out sheets today - so I hope that that helps to lift the spirits. Well done for getting out to the baseball. I hope that you had a hotdog and some caramel popcorn for me. As an only child I went to all the sporting events with my dad as a kid but mostly for the junk food opportunities . Rugby matches here are distinctly disappointing when it comes to food offerings. Oh and as for the uncontrollable sobbing - you can reassure MrC that while it is scary to watch it really is a cathartic release and will have done you good. Sometimes we just don't realise how much we're bottling up and it is still so soon for you xx

cos that is the world's slowest post! I am glad that you have another appointment soon though. I am really reluctant to show scan photos and mostly just get out my phone when asked outright and there have been no bump or scan photos anywhere near my Facebook page. Besides, 3d scans can be a bit creepy..... Your reaction was totally understandable.

dev I bet the songbird has been biding her time every month to come back stronger. My fingers are crossed that this prolonged treatment will work. I am also very curious about your new project!

ten not feeling like TTC is a totally natural response to all of this crap. I was so happy to have the decision taken out of my hands in between cycles. I just couldn't face the uncertainty of trying naturally.

nelly a few months off the treatment wagon after all those antibs sounds like a very good plan. Your poor body needs a chance to settle down again!!

ray when do you get going for the fet? I have so lost track of timings.

fox I hope that you are plugging away with lovely crafty projects while you wait for the next phase to begin.

Afm we have just had a house full of builders for the week and now I have a sick husband. Just a virus but have insisted on separate rooms, will not let him kiss me and have disinfected every doorknob. My hands are cracking from over washing. Can you tell I'm a bit panicky about catching things???? In sad family related news SIL's first ivf round resulted in a chem preg and no frosties. Absolutely gutted for them and imagine that it will be very hard for her as I know that she wants to be an enthusiastic aunt but with our due date only a little over 6 weeks away it will all still be so raw for her.....

Big waves to all the others. I am reading and thinking of you all often. Here's to sunny and relaxing weekends with lots of .

Nelly hope you are ok and recovering after seeing news on the other place.

Dev thanks for comments about scan pic gate - I did feel awful afterwards as I normally try to keep my poker face up at work. I suspect everyone knows about my situ as I've clearly been married for years and have been changing my jobs and hours, time off etc, but I don't openly discuss with anyone apart from one or two. And about the so called nhs results letter, typical isn't it, just when you think 'oh that's not bad service' of course it doesn't happen. I did ring back, got someone else and they said 'oh are you .........(insert wrong name)' so god knows when or if that result might turn up. The RR appt next week should give me blood test results of fasting glucose, and various others which I think mostly look for clotting disorders. I will at least get his thoughts on the septum even if the others are all normal. Based on my last appt I'm expecting him to recommend having it removed so will want to find out waiting times and cost etc. I want someone good doing it, if it's letting someone loose with a pair of scissors inside my uterus!
And I agree about the why do parents wax lyrical like that to non parents - I thought the same recently about some past 'I've been dreading telling you' comments - you'd never say that to a single person when you're getting married would you? I did laugh at Buzzy's lobotomy comment.
The extra canestan prescription sounds great, but yes what about Roy? I know a friend had that they kept passing it between them, can he be treated too?
I'm so happy to hear you talking excitedly about your change of direction, I think its such a fantastic thing in the midst of such a shitfest as this to take control and take a positive step towards building your future. I completely agree with critter that taking all that suffering and turning into something positive is so powerful. I read one of those magazine articles about quotes from famous people, and the ones I liked best were Winston Churchill: 'success is going from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm' (!) and Mother Theresa:'We can't change the past and we don't know the future. We only have today. So let's begin.' I love that. Let's begin!
And hope you manage to fit it all in with Ivf too- at least you won't be able to be menkul too much as you'll have other stuff to be thinking of!

Critter I loved that article. I identified with a lot of that. Suffering in whatever it's form does change you even if you can't appreciate it at the time. And probably the deeper the suffering the deeper the change and understanding you get. Maybe that's why we've so often said we all feel so much older than we were. It's like decades of life understanding and wisdom packed into an incredibly short time frame. And maybe with that level of intense feelings that you must be experiencing it must be like finding a new floor like that article said, a whole new level of feelings that you didn't know where there. I've sometimes thought with my own experiences that my heart is no longer just contained in my chest. Now when I feel happiness or sadness the feelings physically stretch from my collar bone to my knees. In my relationship we went through a major break a number of years ago, and it was all very protracted and messy and took a long time to unpick. When we eventually had sorted it all out some time later I remember commenting to a friend that it was like having a big scar there - there was a definite change afterwards and it wasn't the same as what it was, and if you picked at the same place it would start to hurt again, but actually the healed part was tougher and stronger than what was there before. Suffering definitely is transformative and I guess it's a proper full part of what it means to be human, to experience all the possible ups and downs of life. And to have experienced the deepest of valleys will surely mean that you get to experience the highest mountain tops too.
On the polycystic ovaries front I'm very interested in what you said, as I too was on dianette for about 13 years. I was given it after lots of other acne treatments hadn't worked, and it did work a treat not just on my acne but weight management and mood wise it was brilliant for me. The fasting glucose test is to see if I have polycystic ovaries, as I do appear to ovulate regularly, my ovaries don't look polycystic on scans, and I had an androgen blood test some time back which was normal, but it does seem to be an odd condition. What's your approach diet and exercise wise, I've read that has a big link?
Big waves to everyone else.

You've dropped off active convos so just popping on. Lovely to see so many grads still posting. Cos I'm fine thanks, just a bit tender . Taking it easy, will hopefully be back to normal tomorrow. Can't believe you don't have that result yet, honestly how hard can it be to post something? Great post to Dev by the way!

Critter I will be thinking of you very much, and totally understand that this isn't the trip to meet up. But know we are close and sending love across the hills; and we are only a PM away if you need us xxx

Had a completely lazy morning so better go do something for now. Have a lovely weekend everyone. I will answers questions on drugs, an catch up with everyone else later.

Guess what I'm watching!?

I've been missing you all but have not been on mumsnet this week very much, I've been trying not to think about ttc as I got in a mini slump as I was seeing lots of people this weekend who are uber fertile and who make me feel very barren indeed. In addition, my neighbour who had a baby the time my first would have been due is now sporting a huge bump, it's very much 'this is what you could have won'. And first apt on the donor treadmill tomorrow. This long term trying business gets easier to bear but also more deeply engrained in the fabric of who I am and what I've been through. Critter thank you so much for posting that link, it really resonated with me. I'm sorry about your crying lovely. But half way to ttc is really great news, the next chapter is very near. How have you been this weekend?

Cos I think that is a perfectly normal reaction to a scan photo for many people, not just the likes of us. Don't feel bad about it. You asked if I've had enough second opinions, well I've had none. My ovaries are so very very lacking in eggs there didn't seem much point really. I could pursue mild ivf but at 5% chance per cycle and not being able to access it oop north I just want to crack on. In some ways letting go of my genes has reframed how we will build our family. If donor doesn't work we could adopt and then come back to donor much further down the line perhaps when technologies have moved forwards - who knows? Maybe I'll get that fabled ironic diff. I suspect not though. What is your next plan?

Nelly I'm impressed with your antibiotic willpower and glad that hobbling is bringing lots of happiness.

Ten yay for a holiday. And eesh to life having meaning. My life has meaning now thank you very much. God help anyone who says that to me!

Mad you made me smile about disinfecting doorknobs but ah that ten plus pregnancies are worryful. I was sad to read about your sil. All the people out there going through this shite, it really is a hidden community.

Sea, how are you feeling these days, still pukey?

Lemon, not long now lovely.

Anyone heard from euro or is she on hollibobs?

Dev, hope you have some respite from the bird. Do you have a rough idea about next dates?

I have quit the dhea. I suspected it made me spot from just a few days after ov and lo and behold I'm on cd24 and no spotting and everything feels soft and comfy in there rather than scratchy womble grumbles all the while. Temps have been good, ov day 14 and mega sore boobs so I have, after 36 cycles deduced that it is progesterone that gives me sore boobs. Long term self science is so much fun! Now if only I had a good egg lurking in there that could coincide with a good cycle and a good sperm. How does anyone get pregnant after one month!?

Hello all!

I am back from my hols. It was lovely, although it absolutely flew by. We did nothing apart from snorkelling and lazing about reading books. So nice. I can't say I enjoyed the 10 hrs in cattle class each way with a bump and restless legs, but it was worth it nonetheless. I've put a few photos up on the other place.

I've just done a catch up read but am at work so don't have time to namecheck everyone. Sorry for all the sadness/wistfulness on this thread. I loved the "temporary lobotomy" comment and the cat in the bag of drugs!

I'm definitely more self-aware due to what I have been through. Other than my parents and step-MIL, I haven't shown my scan pic to anyone who hasn't requested it (and btw I think all 3d scans look a bit creepy). I also felt like my life had been on hold and I posted last summer that when I did the timeline exercise during my hypnotherapy session for my EC freakouts, the therapist was very surprised that I wasn't at the end of my timeline. I suspect I was stuck where we started ttc. I confess to being one of those awful Baby On Board badge wearers though. They really do make a difference in terms not only of being offered a seat but being given a bit of space on public transport. It took me a while to get used to it though. The first few times I wore it, I ended up taking it off because I felt like a fraud. In my head and despite the bump, diffedness is still something that happens to other people.

Nice to see you euro! Pics look gorgeous, a well deserved holiday with bump. Where is everyone, I think I keep scaring people away with my broom..

Fox - I don't think you're scaring anyone

Euro - your holiday sounds like it was great! The photos looked amazing!

Nelly - cat in the bag of meds made me laugh

Devon - I can't remember who suggested it, but I do think it's a good idea for roy to get tested too. Some people don't have symptoms and end up carrying the infection and end up constantly passing it to their partners. It can't hurt for him to also get treatment.

I don't have the time for a proper catch up - I have been reading along and cheering for everyone.

I have been busy lately with unexpected renovations and a sick furbaby. I have a vet appointment for my kitty and hope she will be ok. Her gums are inflamed and she refuses to eat unless I turn her food to mush . I've had her nearly ten years and it's the first time she has been really sick since I rescued her as a kitten.

Hi ladies, I am here, enjoying Scottish sunshine. About to go for a chilly swim in a loch! Will post a proper catch up but wanted to send love to all quickly. X x x

Nice to see you both sweet and critter, I was feeling lonesome and trying to digest all the de info from yesterday. I feel quite sad but I guess that is all normal. Critter I'm glad you are being sun shone upon and hope you're having family and friend spoiling and loves.

hello, i've had a nightmare few days at work so a quick hello before i'm back to it. taken me ages to work out how to get back in to my account as i hadn't received an email.

Fox - tell us everything about your meeting yesterday. How was it? How do you feel?

Critter - i hope you are having a lovely time in Scotland. brrrrr at swimming in the loch! that article was really interesting and I related a lot.

Euro - your holiday sounds amazing and very impressed that you went snorkelling. Oh and those badges piss me off but when i went on the tube with my heavily pregnant friend, I realised that actually at sardine hour , it's quite horrible to be with precious cargo and all squashed in.

Cos - i love those quotes. always love an inspirational quote to make one think. I hope your meeting this week goes well with RR. Hopefully he'll be able to give those results to you as well. Let us know what he says.

waves at everyone.

Fox lovely, I missed that you had the appt Monday, so sorry for not being around to ask. How was it? What did they say? Keep in mind Buzzy's advice that when you have your baybee you won't care about all this

Critter - swimming in lochs?! You're made of stern stuff.

Off to check out euro's holiday snaps....

Oh and sweet sorry about the poor kitty

Thank cos and joy. So, we had the matching appointment and a counselling appointment and we are now just waiting for a match. This could be next week or in a few months which I find a bit unsettling but I always knew it would be Iike that. As it is nhs funded we will be sharing the eggs, either with an egg share ivf cycle or an altruistic donor that can be shared. Main thoughts flying round my head are;
Please don't let this fail
The donor team have all the cards and get to choose and really, I'd like a lot more say in the matter.
I'm seriously pissed and sad that this is happening to me but keep smiling and saying I'm fine.
I have no where to go as my antral follicle is 2. I was (kindly) told that the choice is very black and white for me as I have almost no chance of ivf working with my own eggs. It was said as if I had made two or three embryos that looked fine, I wouldn't have been able to make this choice as easily. She was quite right but it's been eating at me that I am so very egg depleted even though three fsh results haven't been sky high.
So big sigh. And I could face it all much easier if this was my baby guarantee but of course it isn't. Also, I felt like because I'm nhs, requests for clexane, sniffs for downregging and a scratch were a pain in the arse for them as it doesn't sit within the funding. Well stuff them, I will continue to pester.

Sad fox. No doubt pmt hormones. I would just like my family now, thanks very much.

Back from chilly swim.

Fox - sweetheart it is ok to feel sad and pissed off about this. You've been dealt a totally shitty hand by life and it's totally utterly unfair and rage-inducingly crap. But honey - you are getting through this. You are being a warrior for your future child and when he or she is here you are going to be so proud of how you got through this awful trial. Hold on darling. This time next year the world will look different. This is just a low - a terrible, unfair low - and you just need to ride the wave of grief and sadness. It will pass. You will be happy again.

Sweet I am so sorry about the sick fur baby. What a worry.

Cos your appointment must be this week - sending hope it goes well. I think the key is to make sure you're in the best possible hands if he recommends an op - you want the best doctor you can get, someone you trust.

Euro the holiday sounds wonderful. And if anyone deserves one of those stickers it's you!

All ok here, saw the gravestone for James today. It's in a lovely old graveyard surrounded by birdsong and daisies. I also had a lovely chat with the local minister. There were lots of stones in the graveyard with people who had lost babies and teenagers and young men in various sad ways and I just thought about how much sorrow and loss has always been part of human experience and how it's only now that most people are protected from it to some extent. What we are going through is terrible but I still believe that all of us will have our families in one way or another - whether they include loss or DE or whatever it is. We are all still going to find that joy. And we will know how precious it is because of the long journey to find it.

Critter what lovely words, thank you. I had a very strong image then of a beautiful and peaceful place for James. You are so full of dignity and wisdom Critter. How was the bracing swim?!

I've not been on here so much lately and I regret that as I realise this is a very important space for me to unload thoughts, make sense of them and heed good advice. It's been so quiet and I felt a bit bereft yesterday. I think this whole journey has been made easier to bear through this thread and the fantastic people I've met on it. I miss our grads a lot too but life moves on and I'm glad we have the other place to keep connected.

Fox that must have been incredibly hard, and no wonder that feels really really shitty, to have no control and lots of unknowns. That's surely got to be one of the hardest parts, right now. Maybe you've done the hardest bit now? I know its hard to believe in good outcomes after a while. But I'm mentally creating you a new Pinterest board for you on your behalf. And I'm removing images of appointments and nurses and forms and other people. And I'm sticking a great big fat picture of Buzzy's gorgeous smiley gurgly little one right in the centre of the board. And your gorgeous smiley self right next to her! Hold on and keep going. What happens next, do you just wait to be contacted? And good for you for asking questions about stuff like scratches, very warrior like.

Critter I'm so glad you got to see James' grave and that the churchyard and minister could give you some comfort and a good memory of the place. That is a lovely peaceful image you describe. I often think that if you're standing at the right angle, and with the right weather, you can often see extra chinks of sunlight coming through the clouds and shining on churches and churchyards. I agree human suffering through the ages is staggering really. And I really hope so, that the extra floors give us all a much greater capacity for appreciating the Joy when it does come, which it surely must from one direction or another. Yes my appt is tomorrow, I'll let you all know how it goes.

I very much like my Pinterest board cos. I confess to having a fairly contained weep this evening. But the allotment prog cheered me up. My pet squashing his fat arse on my seedlings kind of had the opposite effect though. Good luck with your appointment tomorrow, I know you will be warrior like too.

I'm also adding to the Pinterest board a picture of a big oak tree

Swimming in a loch? Brrrrrrrrr. critter you are well 'ard!

It sounds like James' gravestone is in a lovely spot. I hope it will give you a place for reflection from time to time when you visit and that you can gain some comfort from thinking about the flowers and birdsong surrounding it.

fox it's good that things are moving forwards, but I know you don't want to be there. I completely get that. It is all so unfair. Like cos I was going to recommend looking to buzz, our DE poster child.

cos I hope your appointment is informative.

joy the stress can't be helping with the songbird. I'm ridiculously busy at the moment too. As this is a short week, I'm only in the office for 4 days between my holiday and my work trip to the US next week. But it is a price worth paying for a week on the beach.

I had my 20 week scan today. Centime looked good (and was very active) but there is a question mark over the blood flow to the placenta. So I have another scan in 8 weeks. The worry never ends. But it was lovely to see him/her again and to know that he/she has all the bits and pieces that should be there!

critter James resting place sounds lovely, well impressed with your loch swimming

euro It certainly doesn't, will you have a private scan or wait the 8 weeks?? Your photos look great of your hols

sweet Sorry to hear about your fur baby, they can be a worry, hope its nothing serious

foxy Super big hugs my lovely, I was on auto pilot, I didn't even have a scan before I left for Brno, I just turned up and let them get on with it. How are they going to sync your cycles ??? You are entitled to ask for things it doesn't matter if its NHS, you want to make sure that everything is in place for this cycle.
It is hard to accept that you won't use your own eggs and it is something you need to grieve so crying is good but that feeling will pass with time. Honestly once you get your BFP you won't care how it happened, it will be one step closer to becoming a mum, I feel quite proud of how Babybee came to be and I do think back to that day when she was just a bunch of cells on a screen. It will all be worth it
oh and Kayla would like to be on your pinterest board

cos I hope you get some answers tomorrow