TTC a lot longer than 10 months past and present

[Cosmonaut1]

A thread full of the loveliest people

Argh lots I want to catch up on but will have to settle for a crap phone post.

Cos grrrr at no letter. It's the limbo that's so frustrating. I am sorry honey.

Ray great news about fet window. Thank goodness. That's only a few weeks.

Nelly how annoying about the hairdresser. I think people who haven't had problems don't even think about it. Ombré hair sounds nice! It's a look I rocked last year thanks to letting highlights grow out. For those curious it means lighter hair at ends, progressively darker towards roots, like the sun has lightened it.

Waves to euro, excited I get to see you in a few weeks!
More in a sec

Was just going to say- I think ambivalence about babies is normal - I was scared it would swallow up my life. It's a protection mechanism. On the body front. If you're in decent shape before it shouldn't be too hard to get back. I mean - I have stretchmarks on my tummy and a weird bit where my c section scar looks like it's been quilted, and I'm five pounds over my pre pregnancy weight (and ten pounds over my pre IVF weight) but the weight thing is fixable and as for the other stuff, our bodies are going to change as we get older anyway.

All ok here - work planted a flowering tree for James on Friday outside my office. So lovely of them. Will post a pic on the other place when it starts blossoming.

Aw critter that's lovely. What a nice thing for them to do.

Bless your work Critter, a really lovely thing for them to have done. How are you otherwise?

Nelly - I felt distinctively sick on some of those antibs but never threw up. Not long to go yet though.

Ray - I hope you will be cracking on with fet next month. You have had terrible bad timing with all of this.

The bloody bird is back with a vengeance. I really don't understand this. I have lost half a stone, I am eating no sugar or yeast or gluten and yet it still is here. It really gets me down. I am on expensive probiotics. I am wondering whether I will ever get rid of the bugger. I reckon I have spent over £600 on canestan creams over the last 4 years. Grrr

Dev weren't you pondering the bicarbonate solution, if you'll pardon the pun? What a night are for you :(

Critter that's so lovely of your work. I hope you are bearing up ok. Think of you often x

Pout I do love your TMI posts

Ray I really hope the cycles allow pre summer FET. Not going to think about IUI yet, will get antibs out of the way first. It's fair to say I'm not holding out much hope for either natural or IUI but it can't hurt to try, other than financially of course!

Fox sounds like your little person has been wonderful to have around, apart from the innocent Mother's Day comment. That's the million dollar question of course, he's very astute. I bet you will miss him terribly.

Very interesting you are all reticent about sharing the happy news. Part of me worries I wouldn't be able to keep it in because it would be such a bloody shock

Most of you will know I was doing fun stuff with new hobble last night. He was a legend and I lurves him. Babies schmabies. This is way more fun.

Dev that should have read nightmare of course.

That is a lovely gesture critter. It must mean they understand a bit more than they may have shown when they overloaded you with work immediately. Thinking of you. I think flowering things as reminders are great. I cannot wait for you to rejoin the antenatal thread, saw your comment there too. I have every faith in your FET. Nearly halfway through the waiting time, right?

Oh dev. Bloody hell. It's impossible, this stupid, stupid bird. I am so sorry you're doing everything you can and still. Is there some more industrial type stuff you can try? I had recurring infections for a while a few years back and there was some pill that was disallowed when TTC that blasted it all out...

Hurrah for the hobble nelly. He's gorgeous and doing so well. And I second here as elsewhere that nephews are fabulous. Even if they ask the painful questions. Mine asked my sister years ago why we didn't have children... She told them it sometimes takes an awful lot of time.

Listen here, ray's cycles, it's been enough. She's waited a long time for this FET. Do play sensibly this month I am keeping everything crossed for you as a fan of FETs.

Poutster I love your TMI too. On bodies returning to normal shape. I am in denial about that too :)

It took me a long time to tell people... I told my line manager at 13 weeks (with the request to keep her mouth shut), the colleagues that would feel the impact at 15, the other colleagues found out through the grapevine when someone (in personnel) let the cat out of the bag at about 20 by congratulating me.

dev about the bird. It's so miserable and crap. I wonder whether there could be a link? Did you already look at Chinese medicine? Seems like things are inflamed and that could maybe make things worse? I don't really know what I'm talking about but basically just wanted to offer sympathy.

nelly your hobble sounds gorgeous. Aren't animals often a good thing for people who are going through crap? Me and MrC talk often about getting a dog but we live in a flat and I don't know if it would be fair.

lemon I love your posts. Not long for you now. Although I know this month will always be a tough one for you, with it being the due date month for your first little bean.

Critter my animals are without a doubt my solace. Sometimes I even forget about TTC....!

Would a smaller animal be of interest to you? Guinea pig or something? I know we have fans on here we'd love a dog too but not sure it's fair with work. But it's our consolation prize if this year doesn't work out.

Antibs were horrid tonight, managed to not swallow it immediately and it tastes barfing. I can still taste it now.

I am a bit miffed that's it's still pissing it down here. I think we've seen dry blue sky days about 4 times in 6 months. I'm not even exaggerating, it is woeful. It doesn't make me feel sunny about life, for sure..

Ooh perhaps my period is going to arrive soon based on that little meh-ness

And ....breathe. Today I have the loveliest day of pottering at the market and finding treasures and sitting about reading and watching the game that shall not be mentioned around these parts. The house is very quiet now but man I was so tired so it is a mix of sad and peace. I have lost my way a bit on the thread so will have a go at hellos and step back on from here. Lemon and euro your pregnancies seem to be speeding by to me but I am sure each day for you feels so much longer. Lemon I think should I ever get pregnant it will never feel real so I really empathised with that.

Nelly I've been reading about your journey with interest. It all seems super thorough and has to be giving you the best possible chance. It would be bloody brilliant of anti bs and or iui tip the balance.

Pout my lovely how goes it? I think I read a while back that you felt tent like (metaphorically!) and I hope you are feeling a bit better.

Den, I lost track a bit with timings for you but I know they've been difficult. How are things going?

Dev bloody hell the bird must drive you mad. Are there any specialists that deal with this that might help? It is the pits when you are eating like a Puritan and it isn't helping. It makes you feel like cracking open the wine and eating cake.

Critter I'm glad work are doing their best to be supportive. When lemon said she was looking forwards to you being back on the grads thread it felt very real to me that this is just around the corner for you. Is the weather warming up yet? Continued loves to you, you are doing amazingly.

Cos sorry for the waiting, it's always waiting in this game. How are you doing?

Afm, I have my first donor apt very soon and will be asking about scratch and immune treatments. Sadly (or maybe not sadly) I have lost the hunger for sorting this out these days. I am still really sad about my shite diagnosis and my head spins trying to figure out why this has happened but I don't have the energy or inclination to unturn every stone. What I know is this. There is NO history of early meno anywhere in my family. I had regular as clockwork normal periods until the month I started ttc when I began spotting and things went wacky. I wonder if some kind of antibody has wreaked havoc on my ovaries but I'm sure this will only ever be a personal theory. I hope I can rustle up some enthusiasm to actually do ivf all over again but right now the potential of more grief and woes fills me with dread. Lately I feel I can think about adoption in a much more rational way, probably because the door to my own genes is pretty much shut. Some days the thought of bypassing a long nerve wracking pregnancy and keeping my lady parts all in tact feels quite appealing.

Right, tonight we are continuing our quest to make the perfect espresso martini. H has made a spreadsheet of quantities with a space for notes. I love him! I think five pm is perfectly reasonable to tuck in I have purchased some new folic acid today after a long break so might down one with my cocktail. And in the unlikely event of a miracle diff this month I will say that is what did it.

Late night post. Fox you sound so wistful in your post. The one thing I have realized is that life is random and unfair and shit things happen to good people. It's totally unfair that this has happened to you and I can understand the confusion and pain and deep sense of injustice. All we can do is play the cards we have been dealt as best we can. This is our one shot at life and it's far from perfect. But there will be sweetness for you beyond this pain. One thought. Donor egg doesn't cancel any opportunity to have an own egg baby. You might end up with both. Stranger things have happened.

Nelly - I love guinea pigs but I don't know about having one... I love dogs more. Sorry weather is still rubbish. It has been lovely here this weekend, which has been nice. Went to my first baseball game of the season today - reminds me why I like living here although there were lots of cute little ones. I have a friend staying with me this weekend which is lovely and tiring in equal measure.

All well with me. I think I had a panic attack last night with a lot of uncontrollable sobbing which freaked out poor MrC. Had been reading about the risks of repeat c sections vs vbacs and terrifying myself. But I think it is normal. It feels chemical, like a physical wave I don't have control over. But then it's gone and I feel calm and peaceful again. Sending.

Tight squeeze for critter for the waves of sobbing. It will take time but it's good you feel at peace after the torrents of tears.

Tail fluffs for you all, esp fox. It seems like lots of big things to process.

I apologise to all ttcing and you lot in particular for being a bump hugger. For me it's all about checking Lembie is still there, as he tends to respond to touch. If I have missed him for a few hours I panic and will poke him til he wakes up...

Critter uncontrollable sobbing sounds exhausting yet cathartic. I'm glad it was a release of sorts, but it's such an awful state to be in at the time, I hope you've got some more rest. I saw the pic on the other place and I immediately thought it looked like there were lots of bumps and small children. Well done for braving it.

Cos, any word? Thinking of you xx

Fox lovely, you know there is no hurry for DE. If you need time to dwell on options, then take it. This is our one bonus. That, and guilt free martinis . Once the evil antibs are done I will join you.

Day 15, only 10 more to go. Still feeling lightly sick after taking them and err lots of loose bowel stuff, but for me that's no bad thing. In other news AF arrived today. The timing is slightly odd; my scan was 2 weeks ago today and Penny thought I'd ovulated already, as did I. So I'd have expected AF on Saturday. Maybe yesterday. But instead it was late on today. Not sure if there is any significance in that at all. By which I mean, maybe I didn't ovulate after all or maybe I have a longer LP than I thought. Who knows.

Gotta go, the cat is in my bag of drugs. Which is a sentence I never expected to write....

Critter lovely thinking of you and sending loads of love and hugs that sounds terrifying. There must be so much to let out and not surprised reading that was awful.

Waves all round will catch up properly soon no news from me

There is too much for me to catch up on, I have repeatedly written posts and then never quite finished them.

Dev I cant believe that you are still suffering from the songbird after all your careful diet changes. That is just so frustrating. I know what you mean about unnecessary time off work, it is so frustrating when you are trying to fit treatment in and then they mess up. Also with you on flip flopping, if I didn’t feel left behind I am not sure I would be bothered by it….Also not too keen on what it does to your body, at all…..

Nelly Wow what a lot of info,

Sea How is the sickness? I hope that some of the feelings of sadness are easing for you. I think worrying about carrying a baby are perfectly normal when it is such a hard won pregnancy.

Euro So bloomin close now! Sorry to hear you have been unwell, that is not good when with bump, but really glad your mum is doing ok. VERY jealous of holidays, god I cant wait!

sar Waves, glad to hear mini Sar is a feisty one!

Cos Still waiting for the letter?! Madness.

Lemons wow moving soon after Lembie arrives, brave. I am with you on chucking things out. A Friend of mine took loads of stuff to the charity shop when she and her husband moved, it was awkward when the following weekend they walked past it and the whole display was his stuff!!!!

Ray Sorry to hear you are back in the tent, hope the shortbread helps!

Fox Yum espresso martinis, definitely post the recipie once you have perfected it!

There are so many other things to say but I need to post this so I don’t loose it!

I am pottering along, is it bad that I cant be bothered to ttc naturally atm? Just absolutely not interested, am having to force the folic down. I think I need a holiday! So I have just booked one and sod stupid ivf timings it will just have to wait if it is inconvenient

Went to visit premature new born the other day, hard but not unbearable, made worse by the husband who I previously got along famously with being all ‘my life has purpose now’ I did restrain myself from making snide remarks, it was hard though. Luckily the wife is not quite as mental, but has changed quite a bit, but it is early days so I am hoping that normal service will resume in a few weeks.

Waves to you all

Oh Lawks Ten, not one of those. Shame the childless amongst us are leading such pointless lives,
isn't it? .

Forgot to say my SiL did a special the other day. For no apparent reason I can figure, told me about her "older" NCT friend who was now pregnant with twins after IVF. She mentioned the clinic she had used (mine) that apparently had a 95% success rate. Err....

ten what a sad fuck he must be if he never has any purpose in life before I think alot of couples get a free lobotomy when they have a baby I would have slapped Barry if he ever said anything so pathetic

TTC gets exhausting and sucks the life out of you so its totally natural to not want to bother, hope you are going somewhere nice

nelly at your cat and drugs, antibs can you make you feel sick, anymore thoughts on IUI

dev bloody songbird, its frustrating that it keeps coming back, did your GP suggest anything

ray I do hope you get to cycle soon, you have been amazingly patient

critter big hugs, I'm sorry about the tears and the worry but you will be looked after next time and when it gets closer to the time they will be able to discuss the optionswith you

haha nelly I must be one of those 'older NCT friends'

Buzzy she was older than even you . I think 43? I have to say, I thought perhaps it was DE but perhaps not. Free lobotomy did make me chuckle.

Not going to IUI yet. Will give it a cycle or two post antibs I think. For no reason other than money.

Flying in quickly to offer a huge hug to critter. Sometimes I think huge panicky sobs are what's needed because holding it all in is exhausting. You are a wonderful, warm hearted and all round lovely person and I hate to think of you suffering such pain. It's still so soon after James' death, one day at a time and not long until twibling time.

nelly did sil know you'd been to that klinik? Do they really have a 95% success rate? I find that hard to believe.

ten ugh at friend with no meaning before child. Stupid thing to say.

dev tell that songbird to do one. Have you seen your GP about it, can they refer you to anyone?

Critters - Love and hugs to you. It sounds like it was needed sometimes you just need to cry to let the pain out and be freed of it. A big squeeze.

Euro - Sorry to hear you have been unwell. Hope you feel better soon.

Dev - I can't believe songbird is back even with a super anti candida diet. I think someone else also suggested it but maybe it's worth looking into chinese herbs? They are usually v good with that sort of thing. At least for me anyway.

Fox - Martinis sound grand. Would love one of those myself.

Ten - I can't believe you had to deal with insensitive comments.. I find those comments about how life is meaningful now you have kids so yawnsome.

Nelly - I hope the antibotics are okay. Having been on them (for different reason) for 3 months last year they can be a drag. I found taking them on a full stomach helped with the nausea and overall I felt okay on them. It was only after the course and coming off them that made me feel much better I realise how bad I actually felt on them. Not sure if you are tempted to take probiotics. I did but in hindsight I probably shouldn't have as immunes was an issue for me and apparently they can raise them. Thought it was worth bearing in mind.

Love to all 10 plussers. x

Lovely ray, thank you sweet pea. I have been thinking about you - what's the protocol for your FET? What's involved? Am curious as to how long it takes and what happens that is different from a fresh round.

buzzy you are the best and you do make me . Free lobotomy is classic. I hate that phrase about life having meaning. There are lots of ways to bring meaning into your life, and children are only one of them - and that is only if you actually invest the time and effort in bringing them up well and parenting, which is a lifelong responsibility. Just reproducing doesn't count. There are lots of extraordinary people who haven't had children whose lives have been enormously meaningful. What about the Dalai Lama, tell him his life doesn't have meaning!

nelly love the cat in the bag of drugs non-sequitur. There were a couple of MrC's friends who have one year old sons at the baseball and I did get a bit wistful looking at two of them joyfully interacting with their little boys. The bump lady is a good pal and did not have a particularly easy road to her bump (clomid) so she gets a free pass. So how much longer do you have to take the antibiotics for? Another three months or so? It sucks that you can't have with them, if anything ever merited a nice glass of red it's this!

ten so sorry you're feeling exhausted by the process. It is just very tiring and the constant waiting and getting up of hopes is very draining. Sending you love.

cos grrr at the lack of letter. You must feel in limbo. I hope you can get some answers and helpful forward movement soon to get you out of this stasis. You really have been through the mill.

dev I agree with ray on the specialist referral, can you get the GP to send you to someone who knows their stuff? It's just so unfair that you are living like a puritan and still suffering.

drizz poking is good! There's also a count the kicks campaign thing that tells you to count kicks, although I don't know whether you'd find it made you more anxious or less. I can totally totally understand the anxiety but little lembie will be here before we know it and you're going to be such a wonderful mum.

All ok here. I seem to be having another period starting on CD18. My last 'period', less than three weeks ago, only lasted about two days and very light, and I haven't ovulated since then (have been charting and my temps are all over the place... I have had masses of EWCM but no ovulation rise, sorry for TMI). I guess it's normal for cycles to be screwy post-partum? Will watch and see what happens and maybe email my lovely consultant if things don't settle in a couple of months. Is actually a good thing that I can't ttc yet as it's probably worth letting everything settle down with my hormones and body. The weather is cheering up and I have been buying nice post-pregnancy clothes and exercising again, as well as lots of twibling knitting. It is the best therapy for me.

xpost sea I think of you often and hope you're ok. Wishing you so much joy with this little one and sending special sweet love to the twin you lost.

Nelly Ha, if only, I would take a clinic currently with a better than 20pecent rate! I agree what a waste life is if you are yet to experience the joys of parenthood, vom.

Buzz yes hopefully it is only a temporary labotomy though in this case, I have cut out a couple of friends for whom it was permanent, life is too short to always be biting your tongue. How is miniB?

Critter crying can be cathartic and I hope you found it so if nothing else. I think it does take a while for things to settle down postpartum, twibling time will be here before you know it, and they are going to have so many amazing handmade clothes to wear.

Waves to Ray and sea and everyone else I have missed, what a beautiful day it has turned into here!

Critter it's interesting your periods seem to be wanting to return - imagine if they did properly return? Did you have regular periods when you were younger, I can't recall? How are you today? We must be nearly at the 3 months to FET stage, it's getting closer. I think I probably won't end up ttcing again till about then.

Sea nice to hear from you, how's things, how are you getting on. Have you had any more scans?

Ten how very irritating. My tolerance level for just plain arrogant rudeness has definately dropped! Have you any idea about timescales for getting going again?

Nelly woohoo for nearly getting through the grim anti-bs. Were the rest of your clutch of meds to be used on natural cycles?

Fox, do you feel you've had sufficient 'second opinions'? Is your donor appt at the same clinic as before? God knows we've had enough contrary opinions given by the 'experts' on this board. It sounds like you're doing a fab job of opening up to just the possibilities of family and how to get there. Ttc'ing does tend to focus you narrowly on the one option doesn't it.

Dev how unbelievably annoying. Are you and Roy just passing it back and forth between you do you think?

Afm next appt with Raj Rai is next week. Am quite enjoying the ttc break. Did have a foot in it moment - a colleague said 'look at this' and I looked and had an instant reaction of 'uurrgh' quite loudly. It was a flipping 3d scan! (of grandchild). She was mortified and I did try to back track. Afterwards I did think what an odd reaction! Something deeper trying to tell me something?!

Waves all round.