TTC a lot longer than 10 months past and present

[Cosmonaut1]

A thread full of the loveliest people

I suppose thinking about it he's contradicted himself there a bit hasn't he in saying that they can't really tell much about embryo quality, but also that Ivf hasn't been proved to improve it. An impossible study anyway!

As long as there's egg sperm and a womb there's got to be a chance!

Hi guys

sea thinking of you. Be gentle with yourself. Grief is exhausting and you will be grieving your little lost twin as you also grow his or her sibling.

dev wow! your appointment came round quickly - this is really good news! It actually sounds like on balance it was really positive. You've had such a long wait for this cycle since last year. I think it might be worth talking to work, if you can. I hope it goes well and that they surprise you by being supportive and kind. Great news on the AMH. Eek about the friend but glad he was nice. Do you have a timeline on when you'd start? Also, I didn't have any trouble downregging, so hopefully it'll be ok for you too. I think lemon did long protocol too.

cos very interesting about the septum. I have a friend who's had multiple mcs who has this too. Great news that they can fix it. That could be the missing piece in the puzzle. Hang in there, you are moving forwards, this is good news.

ray your cycle is only in a few weeks! This is great news.

I'm back to work and really glad I set up working from home a couple of days a week. I don't feel I'm getting a huge amount done but it was also quite exhausting being back in the office even though everyone was nice. I did have to tell one lovely colleague who didn't know what happened and congratulated me on a conference call. . It was fine but when I was walking home I felt a bit teary from the strain of having to act normal and keep my shit together all day. I have an itchy rash all over my body that started on Saturday which I think is almost certainly stress about going back. It seems to be going down a bit now, which is good. MrC has to go away this weekend and I'm a bit nervous about being on my own, but I will just plan social activities as a distraction. The key with all of this has been to beware of self pity because if I stop to think about how awful this is it only makes me feel much worse. So I am just trying not to think about that and stay focused on the good things and all the wonderful luck I've had in my life. And I only have four months to get through before I can get back on the TTC train.

Critter you're an absolute inspiration, I'm in awe you made it through that, but you've done it and well done you. Another week is on its way to be done and bring you another week closer. Working from home some of the time is a great idea whilst you adjust to being back. Big hugs.

Oh critter I can't believe you were congratulated . What a horrible situation and I am sure your colleague feels utterly awful too. I echo Cos. you are an absolute inspiration to be back at work already and having to face the big wide world. I don't know how you are so strong and am ashamed to say I find myself wallowing in self pity every now again and I haven't been through anything like you have. You are an incredible woman.

Cos/ray I find it fascinating how we are all told different things. Cos I can't believe ivf would improve quality of an embryo especially with all those drugs and actually the Argy told me that they had found too many drugs did affect embryo quality for some so opposite of what I was told today. Urgh. They basically don't know do they. I have been told before that pgd is pointless unless you get loads of blasts and keep having failed cycles. What a conundrum.
Have you had any more thoughts about getting your septum removed?

Ah ok so I missed an entire page the other day, the perils of phone posting.

Sea I think it is a totally normal reaction to cry and feel upset and loss at this, it is a loss, it is very sad and I am so sorry that you are have had to go through it given the journey to get here. I imagine paying for private scans will be helpful to put your mind at rest and totally understand your feelings of needing ongoing reassurance I am sure I would feel the same way.

Dev Never ever would I let a friend dildocam me. Especially a male friend, makes me shudder thinking about it. Have you told people in real life life about ivf etc? Glad you can rest easy that you aren’t in the perimenopause, IVF is massively hard on your body and I am sure it can take a few months to get back to normal. Your consultant sounds brilliant! Can I just double check this is an NHS round? Where are you based (if you don’t mind revealing) your experience sounds so TOTALLY different to mine. Also I agree with Ray apart from being a bit stupid and headachy downregging really wasnt that bad (apart from when I wanted to punch MrT – but even that wasn’t so bad equivalent to normal PMT rage)

Nelly Have you sorted your furbabies for the Athens trip?

Cos how strange that no one has picked this up before…… when will they operate to remove it?

Ray as a childless couple you are definitely expected to make more compromises/do the travelling etc then those with kids. The flip side of that is you can actually do more travelling make more last minute plans without kids, book the weekend away, and enjoy spending some time with a deux.

Critter God having to tell a colleague what happened must have been awful, look after yourself, I cant imagine how exhausting pretending to be fine all day must be in your situation. I am honestly taken aback by how gracefully you manage your situation, I can only hope that it gets easier to see the positive for you in the near future.

Waves everyone else. Today is CD1, so I am waiting for a call from the hospital (STILL) about what I am now meant to be doing. I am also writing an official letter of complaint for many and varied reasons, because if this cycle works (hollow laugh) I don’t want to just forget it and not make sure that someone somewhere gets asked to explain their actions (and a fucking bollocking).

sea how are you holding up, lovely? I think losing a twin is a really strange thing to deal with because of the mix of emotions - you are still happy to be pregnant but sad for the loss. Do take time to grieve. x

nelly did you manage to get the antibs in the end?

critter I was wondering if you would come across people who didn't know when you went back to work. How hard that must have been I saw a post on FB congratulating you recently from someone who I would guess didn't know. That must be so hard. I'm glad you are easing yourself back into work. You really are doing so well. Have you got things planned for when mr c is away?

ten I am still in disbelief about your cocked up cycle. I'm glad they are controlling the OHSS risk though, even if it is with the evil burserelin. And I am glad that you are complaining. It sounds like this could have been avoided if they had listened to you.

cos how interesting about the results of the 3d scan. It sounds like it might be part of the answer. I was told by the EPU that I have an arcurate (heart-shaped) uterus, and this had never been picked up before despite all the scans (although I hadn't had the other tests that you have which might have shown it). Apparently arcurate is a "normal abnormality" as in it's just the way some people are and shouldn't actually affect anything.

I'm not sure that I will ever manage to enjoy pregnancy. I just want to get to the end of it and win a baby. This is just yet another waiting stage that has to be endured, in my mind. I'd like to feel differently about it, but I just can't manage it.

devon the 1000 IVF is something I have only read about in news reports. It came a little late for me. I do like that Create are very cost conscious though, and want to make IVF as available as they can (and even now, their prices are at the lower end of the scale).

I'm glad that you won't have to wait too long for your NHS round, but boo to downregging. And how awkward to have a friend working there. I definitely couldn't have a male friend dildocamming me. ARGH.

Dev how are you feeling about things now since your appointment? I hope the Afc count and Amh level have given you a boost, but if you're anything like me it will the stuff she said about embryo quality will be ringing in your ears. When she said faulty, did she mean genetically? Wouldn't the karotyping show that? It's great news you could get starting so soon, after not being sure how long the wait could be. I still think a different protocol and different tests could throw up something different and give you a different result. Fingers crossed. We've had such lovely successes on this thread after ivf. Did she leave you feeling hopeful for this round?

Ten good for you for the official complaint. I'm sure that will help other people if they don't just sweep your case under the carpet. Is cd1 a relief in a way to know the ohss risk is over? Have they said when you can try again?

Euro it's interesting the different types. I'd near heard of arcurate before this 3d scan. The scanner said that there were three main types and he mainly distinguished between them by looking at the shape of the outside top of the womb, as arcurate was flat across the top, bicornate has a dip in the middle of the top if the womb (heart shaped) and septate is like 'normal' wombs in that its dome shaped. I think from what I understand its more important whats on the inside of the womb, and whether the walls are all made from typical endometrial tissue and the inside shape isnt necessarily an issue. Is that different from what you were told? Please god let there be something they agree on. The idea that my womb is normal shaped but has a big piece of abnormal growth through the centre of it appeals to my non scientific brain - I can understand why a physical obstruction of the wrong tissue type would cause issues. However looking on the web there seems to be women with all 3 types of non standard wombs who fall pg regardless. The studies I can see so far show the success rates go up a bit after removal on average but nowhere near a complete solution.

So I've had my final blood tests today (fasting glucose) and that's all the tests done now as had some the other day too, so will go back for all the results in a few weeks. I'm expecting him to recommend removing the septum via hysteroscopy type surgery, and then try again afterwards with some meds depending on test results. But I was thinking today that say if the appt / surgery / recovery time takes up 4-5 months, and then trying again takes several months and we could possibly have a similar scenario as the recent m/cs which means that basically what he recommends could take up the next year of what's left of my fertility. That's quite a big amount of trust to place in someone at age 36 after 6+ years isn't it. I could do 2 or 3 Ivfs in that time. Sigh. Gosh that was a lot about me wasn't it! It does really help to have somewhere to write it all down doesn't it.

How's everyone else doing?

Its like this industry needs the equivalent of an independent financial adviser!

cos I would talk to the doctor honestly about your fears and also find out how long all this will take, if that course of action is indeed what he recommends. It may be possible to speed things up a bit. When is your next appointment with him? Any chance of moving that forward? The waiting is very hard.

euro I can totally understand feeling like that about your pregnancy. I loved being pregnant - despite everything I was confident all the way through and so grateful that I didn't worry at all - but I hadn't had any losses then, unlike you, and I am guessing I'll feel very differently next time. Can you feel centime yet? It's such a lovely feeling. You will love that.

dev a good wallow is totally fine, the problem is that it often makes one feel worse about things... I would totally wallow more if it didn't make me feel rotten! You have had a shitty time of things and are more than entitled to a wallow!

sea I'm sending you love.

ten it's good that you're writing a letter of complaint. It'll hopefully make them more careful in how they manage people's care next time. I hope noone else has to go through your experience.

AFM last night I had a mini-period - no idea if it was a real one or not and I've heard periods can be weird after birth, even if you're not breastfeeding. Very odd. I am nearly 9 weeks postpartum but as you may remember, the reason I did IVF was that my periods never came back post-pill and then randomly I had two, three months apart, just before doing the IVF. The bleeding started and lasted (lightly) for about 4 hours, but now it seems to have stopped. Heaven knows what's going on. I only just started temping, and my temp was down yesterday but up today. Probably good that I have an enforced grace period of another 4 months to just temp and watch and figure out what's going on, without having to make any decisions about the FET.

Hey Cos- are you sure recovery is 4-5 months? That sounds a hell of a long time. I thought people had them removed and they were doing ivf the next month. This time thing is awfully stressful. Is there any way you could have a plan to do an ivf round 3 months after op so you have that there and if you haven't fallen pregnant by then, you could Do a round as a back up. Perhaps gets some blasts in the freezer again....it's just a thought. I know I probably wouldn't want to wait around but I guess it all depends on your pcos results. Even if you don't have poly ovaries, will he still suggest ivf is not the best option?
I don't feel confident at all about what she said. I think by the sounds of it, faulty embryos just means chromosomally abnormal. We told her our karotyping was normal but still some people just produce only abnormal embryos not necessarily am age thing. I came across someone like that at my clinic and her situation sounded similar to ours. She was 11 wks pregnant at the time but they had spent well over a 100k to get there and she wasn't confident at al that that pregnancy would work. The lack of blasts for the amount of embryos and our age is the massive clue here. Although I have to remember Art and may be one day we will get one golden one. But it's tiring thinking about all this and pinning hope on some miracle. If this is our problem, there is nothing we can do.

Critter - I really hope your cycles kick in again. This is a really positive sign. If they do, I am pretty sure you will be falling pregnant naturally. But they are bound to be wonky to start with so it is good you have time to monitor whats going on.

Ten - this is an NHS round. I was extremely lucky as my catchment area at the time I could choose out 4 different Central London clinics. I chose UCLH as it's close to work. It turns out UCLH is a satellite clinic for CRGH which is a private clinic which actually has 50% live birth rate for my age group. So I have been very fortunate as I didn't think scans every other day would be something the NHS would do. But I have to face facts- 50% live birth rate is a load of bollicks to me . I have never been in the positive stats. Well done on the complaint. Can I ask which clinic you were at?

Thanks everyone for your lovely thoughts and wishes.
Cos - I think you need to share your concerns with your doc. I would feel the same about timing. If the probability of getting pregnant without doing the op is a good one I would still try that. But it's important you understand everything. The age bit is an important concern and was always my biggest concern when I was messing around with immune treatment before cycling. It's worth getting all the facts before making a decision.

Critter - I'm glad AF made somewhat of any appearance. You are really an inspiration. I'm sorry you had to listen to your colleague's congratulations. I can only imagine how much that hurt. I completely agree with you about wallowing in self pity. Every time I feel it coming on i stop myself. I know it will only make me feel worst.

Euro - I'm sorry you are not enjoying pregnancy so far. I feel the same tbh. I feel truly awful most days. I envy those who love being pregnant but in my heart I know that will never be me. How is your mum doing?

Dev - how mortifying about your male friend?! I'm pretty sure I had that doctor do a dildo cam on me. I think there is only one decent looking doc there. I remember blushing and I don't even know him.
I hope you are feeling positive with the revised AFC and amh. I think it's excellent news. As for quality I have also heard too much drugs is bad for quality but these ivf doc can't seem to agree on anything. It's excellent news that you might be able to start soon. The waiting around is often the worst part I find.

Ten - well done you for complaining. They clearly made some big mistakes and should and need to learn from it.

Nelly - how's Athens? I hope it's all going as it should and they are looking after you.

Afm, I went back to the argy today and They were v surprise one
of the twins didn't make it. They said it's v unusual for this to
happen that at 10 weeks when the baby looked completely normal (size,
movement and strong heartbeat) and then for it to be died at the 12
week scan. They think by the size it probably stopped around 11 and a
half weeks. I will never know why. Im trying my best to focus on the positive which is that I still have one baby but I do feel v sad. I have been keeping v busy to not think too much about it but everytime I stop I well up. Sitting at the argy today was just horrible. I felt on the verge of crying the whole time.

Well the good news is the other twin looks good and is healthy looking.
Moving a lot and growing etc.
They don't need to do anything as the other one should eventually be absorbed
into my body but they warned me that might take a while (many weeks) which is not v
nice to see on scans etc

Happy Monday everyone. Quiet weekend around here.

critter good luck with week.number 2. I hear you about the af mixed feelings. The uncertainty of cycles that are irregular is a lot more stressful than knowing you're heading straight for a frozen twibling. That said, your body may have sorted itself out and a natural pregnancy might just come your way.

Wishing nelly a good scan today and some hot weather, sending sea positive thoughts for the strong baby that you are carrying. dev that sounds like things could move really quickly!

Big waves to cos, ten euro and ray. You are all in my thoughts often.

I have been scrubbing the house to within an inch of its life - 32 weeks today and strangely starting to feel much more nervous about making it to the end without anything going amiss. It still doesn't feel possible that this will all work out....

I think it's normal after the tough road to get there, to be feeling nervous mad . There really isn't long to go now though, do you have everything ready now? Has your pregnancy been straightforward?

nelly best of luck for the scan. What are they doing with you today?

critter I think it must be tough to be back at work. You're doing amazingly well. I think cycles are strange after pregnancy anyway, perhaps your body is going to give you an easy ride and fall back into a nice, regular pattern. You never know!

sea it's ok to feel sad, you've lost a very longed for baby. I'm pleased to read that the other little one is doing well.

My cycles are not playing ball, I'm now several days late which very, very annoyingly means that I don't think I can do the FET in April. I could scream/cry. It looks like transfer would fall right in the middle of this family event thing, it would be impossible to manage appointments, drugs etc with this, and I don't need the stress just then. I really feel like the world is conspiring against me. We have a window in May when we could do it, then June, July and early August are all out. Timing this is turning into a total nightmare because my cycles are not predictable post ivf. I think I'm broken. I never realised before how busy our lives are with lots of things that can't be moved.

Morning lovelies!

Just wanting to let you know I am thinking of you all. I've been having a bit of a MN-break as I am busy with things unrelated to TTC, babies or pregnancy. And at the same time in third trimester both exhausted and very emotional. Mad I completely sympathise with you. I still cannot believe it and we still have no stuff for the baby. I am starting an NCT course this week and feel like a fraud/jinxing things/petrified despite there being a noticable bump with a wriggly lembie in there.

Ah mad/lemon – my colleague who didn’t have issues with ttc thought she was a fraud too. I think it must be a new parent to be thing but obviously compounded for plussers who have taken years to get to that point and probably at points never thought it would happen. I hope the last 8 wks go quickly for you ladies. I always think people’s pregnancies go quickly – probably because nothing of baby significance has happened to me in that time!

Ray – oh no, I can’t believe you could miss another FET this month. what rotten luck. What’s the latest AF can arrive before it’s a no go this month? My cycles went very regular for 4 months but they are messed up again now. It must be the ivf and everything.

Sea – it’s a very sad loss and it must be terribly upsetting seeing it up on the screen when you have a scan. The scanning machine makes everything so much bigger that it is which i found very upsetting. Poor you. Anyway i am glad the other twin is thriving. I hope you begin to feel better soon.

Had a text from the NHS to say all my tests were negative. No syphilis, BV or chlymadia! But i tested positive for thrush. So it was thrush which is a relief as the previous test was negative so i was wondering what the hell it was. On such a strict anti-candida diet so the beast really should not want to come and get me again.

Hi everyone

Very quiet on here. dev that's good news about your test results, and good to know it is thrush - although the anti candida diet sounds a bit miserable. Poor you. Are you feeling better in that area? Do you have an idea about when you'll be cycling?

ray that is unbelievably frustrating. I am so sorry, I can imagine how stressful and upsetting it must be to have things postponed yet again. The endless waiting is agonising. Big sympathy squeeze.

drizz do try to take it easy if you can, the third trimester is exhausting. I know it's hard though.

madness you are nesting up a storm! Don't tire yourself out though too much. The cleaning can wait... you're doing enough work growing fingers and toes!

sea I can completely understand you would be devastated about losing your twinlet. I am so sorry that this happened to you. It's completely unfair after everything you've been through. Tears are good, just let them come when you can. You are just expressing your deep love for the baby you lost, and his or her little living brother or sister.

I think feelings of being a fraud are normal. One of the hard things about my loss has been the sense of shame and humiliation, as though I went to sit down and someone pulled the seat away at the last minute. Like I was making up that I was pregnant or something, as here I am with no baby after all the fuss that was made of me. Work is already quite stressful and I keep thinking I shouldn't be here and wishing I was away from it all. I just need to get through the next few months and focus on that.

Sea How are you doing sweetheart? I've been thinking of you and of course thinking of you critter & still marvelling at you going back to work.

Woo hoo devon at the new results. That is stonkingly good news and quite bizarre that your AMH was so off last time. How was that explained?
Good news that your other test results were okay too nd that it is just thrush. Here's hoping that they will sort this out for you once and for all.

cos It is interesting that your doc said that studies have shown that the grading of embryos bears no correlation to a successful outcome.
I so hope that your ishoo could be an irregular shaped womb and the op sorts you out. I hear you on the fears over this course of action maybe taking you out of TTC for a bit. I don't know what to say other than this plan might be the thing that changes the game for you and the wait might be the most meaningful thing you will have done TTC wise IYSWIM

ray Oh FGS that AF has done this to you. I am so disappointed for you and can see why you would be utterly disappointed.

nelly thinking of you.

mad and lemons Third trimester...wow that's gone quickly, for me anyhow Happy scrubbing and NCT classes!

X-posted with you critter. Your post is so sad. I am sorry that you are finding work so difficult. You are in my opinion a trooper for even being there. Is there any way you can cut your hours back a bit, maybe go P/T?
You have no reason to feel ashamed or humiliated, you ought to be proud for growing such a smashing baby as James. You also ought to be proud of how you have dealt with all this awfulness with such dignity, grace and bravery. You are inspirational. It is the universe that ought to be ashamed for putting you through this. X

critter I just want to reach across now and give you a big hug. It's so bloody unfair because you shouldn't be at work, you should be at home with baby James. I hope your boss and colleagues are being nice and understanding to you.

dev that's good news that nothing sinister was found. Did they tell you how to treat the thrush?

Wow, not long now lemons :)

pout any big or little dog stories to cheer me up?

Totally echo pouts wise words. You are incredibly inspirational critter xx

No new dog stories Ray just the usual abject humiliation of inappropriate barking, inappropriate humping & bummage Oh and they have figured out how to open the zip on MrP's bag and so regularly help themselves to his secret stash of food goodies whilst we are out. He was close to tears at the weekend when he discovered that they had eaten five of his macaroons!

They sound very intelligent pout , learning how to open zips without you realising. I bet they gave you that all innocent "it wasn't me look" .

pout and ray thanks so much for the virtual hugs. I am feeling better. I started crying at my desk and went home early. MrC was working from home and cheered me up too. I talked to him about how I was feeling ashamed and he made me laugh by telling me not to 'just go throwing random emotions onto legitimate grief'. I think it's probably a good thing that I had a meltdown at work as it reminds people that I'm not fully back to normal, so hopefully I don't get given too many things to deal with too quickly and get overwhelmed. My brain just feels like it's working much more slowly. My boss sent me a nice email too.

pout I loved the macaroons story. Something about it being macaroons makes it all the funnier. Clever canines!

ray let's hang out in the tent together. I'll bring and and hot water bottles and we can watch some ridiculous US reality TV. I am still just gutted about your cycle timing. Sympathetic squeeze.

Oh critter you and MrC are obviously made for each other. Your feelings are totally understandable but definitely misplaced. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Crying at work will help remind your colleagues that you aren't superwoman and they need to give you time. Big hugs xx

ray are all of the events over the next few months impossible to miss? I find that AF always comes late when I am anxious for it to start, as if my tension is holding everything in . Sending some cake for the tent.

pout macaroons . sounds like a discerning canine!

dev that must be one determined songbird then. Good to hear it's only that though and your super super diet kicks it into touch.

lemon we have started buying things now. I figured a car seat so they will let me leave the hospital might be important......

critter I wonder what your periods will do now. I remember that they were starting to put in an appearance just as you were going for IVF. I'm sorry that work is stressful straightaway. I can imagine that you are resentful about being there now. Maybe the cry at work will help them to make things more manageable for you. I'm so glad that Mr C gets it and is helping you through. x

ray how frustrating about the timing. Hopefully May will work for you.

mad happy scrubbing! And how wonderful for you and drizz to be in the third tri.

All the ladies in the August AN group seem to be buying things and I am horrified! I just can't contemplate it yet.

pout I love the naughty dog tales. :)

devon it's good news that you don't have the clap but bad news about the persistent songbird!

Did I mention your AMH result last time? I don't think I did. Anyway, that is pretty amazing and explains how you were managing to produce so many eggs with such a low AMH number (supposedly). Mine also went up (but only from 12 to 15, so not as dramatic as yours). I wonder how meaningful AMH actually is.

I know what you mean about other people's pregnancies going quickly when you are ttc. I think that is partly that that (off board) you tend not be told until 12+ weeks so you only know of the pregnancy for 6 months. I found the first 14 weeks or so of this pregnancy moved at a snail's pace for me. I feel like the weeks are starting to move a bit more quickly now though.

sea .