Come one, Come All! Join the BESH on the Carousel of Cuntishness! Prize for spinning off the side is of course your very own BAYBEE! Pay your fare, pick a horse and hold on tight!

[MissHobart]

Which horse did you choose? Hope it's a good one as it might be a bumpy ride!

Are you BESH enough? Dig out the infamous BESHtionnaire and proffer your soul for judgement! No tweeness or baby dust allowed, If you're easily offended fuck off!

Yes they are still arsing about. Oh hags I am so depressed. Absolutely everything in my life is an utter pile of cack at the moment. It's so obvious this ivf won't have worked either. All these hopes and wishes from somany ppeople...they're so kind and lovely abd I'm just going to let them down.

hest IF the ivf hasn't worked - and bugs was so certain hers hasn't, euro too this time iirc - you are NOT letting anyone down. Please don't think that. We all luffs you lots.

Oh Hest, whatever happens you are not letting anyone down so stop thinking like that right now. The hormones are going to be sending you insane at the moment, and you've got so much else on your plate at the moment. The IVF outcome is completely out of your hands, nothing you can do will influence it, so please don't beat yourself up

Dishy you sound good to me, plus your first post was your completed BESHtionnaire so that gets extra brownie points

Bugs with the greatest of love and respect, that doesn't help at all. All these people it has worked for...some people it won't. It's Tuesday, but with the iui's I knew before test day.

I just wish the other things in my life were going right to help ease it but they're not. Everything's going badly or just being needlessly difficult. Obstacles are everywhere and at the moment I don't feel up to taking them on.

I'm just fed up of everything. Why can't a single thing in my life be fucking normal?

Yes this is self pity.

Hest - we're here for you either way, cheering you on does not mean you are obligated to us for it to succeed! You are PUPO! And you're definitely allowed to be menkul! As I'm sure you know symptoms mean FUCK ALL , especially when you've been pumped up to the eyeballs with artificial hormones!

Dish - welcome to the BESH! Fare for the carousel is a loud CUNT if you don't mind! Pick a horse! We've been through it all here so feel free to overshare!

I'm just fed up of everything. Why can't a single thing in my life be fucking normal?

Yes this is self pity.

So much self pity it posted twice :)

Hest - it will get better, I've been to some pretty dark places in the past so know exactly how you feel, stick with us, let it out, we'll get through it!

We'll I've stuck with the BESH four years so far. A bit longer can't hurt.

Huzzah! And, for MissHobart:

CUNT!

To be honest, that's quite a lot more cheerful than I feel. Bad day today, knackered after lying awake til 1 thinking there's something wrong with me or this would be working. WTE book did not help at all, it's full of Californiababble shite and made me paranoid that unless I was teetotal, caffeine-free, refused to enter a room with someone who'd been in a room with someone who was smoking, ate 3 portions of wholegrain with every meal, put my tap water through a Brita filter and did 30 minutes of yoga daily then it was MY FAULT we weren't conceiving/did conceive and couldn't keep hold of it.

As a result I am now sitting here in my dressing gown at quarter to twelve, developing BO and feeling sorry for myself, when need to go to sodding Dunelm Mill and write shopping list.

Welcome Dishy

Hest lovely it is totally normal for you to feel like shit at the moment. It's hard enough to do ivf and have all the hormone bollocks fucking with your head let alone when you've got all these other challenges around you in your life. Sometimes it just seems so unfair doesn't it. Especially when utter twats seem to get diffed with so much ease. Have you looked into counselling at all? I like to think of it as a way to help your head find some hope when it's struggling through the quagmire. Sometimes we just need a little help.

Have now managed to get washed and dressed. Dunelm Mill won't know what's hit it.

I'm glad to hear you say the WTE thing is balls. I've long harboured a dislike of its trite sugary American tones. It will be a cold day in hell before I refer to my husband's spunk as his 'boys'.

Sorry to hear you've had 3 MCs too. I haven't had any investigations, though after the last MC we discussed it. We moved house just afterwards though, a few months ago, so need to change doctor's surgery and get all that crap sorted out before I can book in. I've been procrastinating for a while because every month I think 'If it doesn't work this month, I'll book in', and tomorrow never comes.

I need to do it anyway though, as after last MC, the big one, at 10 weeks, I noticed I've got a hard, smooth lump on my cervix (blame Miss Hobart for inviting me to overshare . . .) It's not noticeable most of the time, but when the rest of it softens around OV time, this little bit doesn't. I'm guessing scar tissue but obviously it's freaking me out a bit wondering what the hell it is and whether it's bad. Guess I just need to bite the bullet and make an appt.

Apologies Fabuluce, that last post was in reply to lugs

Thanks for the welcome

Agh, lugs, that all sounds very familiar. I'm sorry. They're all losses, of course they are. Our first one was a CP, and it hit quite hard. I instadiffed on month 1, so wasn't expecting anything to happen and was actually still a bit freaked out at the idea of having a baby. We also had no idea how common MCs are, and just assumed (like most first-timers) that once you got a positive that was it. Lost it at 5 weeks, big shock, very sad.

The second CP I was prepared for, so much less of an impact.

The 'big' MC, in Sept, was grim; had a scan at 7 weeks, there was a heartbeat though it was measuring a bit small. Started bleeding brown in week 10, went for a checkup and was told growth had stopped week 8 and there was no heartbeat. Decided to leave it while I was thinking about options, then started bleeding a little so thought it was OK and would just happen naturally. Carried on going to work, on a construction site; a few days in the bleeding just turned on like a tap and wouldn't stop. The pain was horrendous, I ended up in A and E, lost 2 pints of blood. Went back to work a week later and was sacked by my cunt of a boss because 'you'll only get pregnant again'.

And here we are . . .

Fuck! He had the brass neck to say that? What a tool. You could sue his sorry arse for that.

Yep hester, it was unquestionably fucking illegal, but I was a self-employed subcontractor working for someone in the construction industry and there was no written record of what happened. I tried the CAB, but the answer was 'there's no evidence'.

What makes it even better was the fact that I had know him as a (albeit relatively distant) friend for three years, and had spent several pub sessions sympathising while he whinged to me about his custody battle for his kids and his problems at work.

What he actually did was to turn up on site the Monday I went back with a man he'd hired to replace me in tow, and tell me that I'd 'deceived' him, I'd been a risk to his business, and that he would never have hired me if he'd known we were trying for kids.

I thought seriously for a while about going round to his house and breaking his windows, but it would be obvious it was me and I don't want a police record.

Right, I'm actually leaving the house now. I'll check in later

Probably a wise decision. Karma will hopefully bite him on the arse.