TTC 10+++ months part 18

[Mrsden]

This is the BFP thread.

Cos you aren't alone

Devon - I really hope the NHS round will surprise you in the best possible way.

Pout I know, we all look normal except on the other place I now think I'm truly cat lady. Luckily I am well past the stage of trying to make logical sense out of this, why some essentially very good people can't have children, yet some absolute gutter-dwelling scumbags can pop them out at will.

Oh pout [i am stamping feet at the injustice ]. It's fecking unfair. . It does depress me very much that ivf has become a rich man's treatment. Whilst money doesn't guarantee a baby, at least it gives people a better chance. I still cant understand why the nhs is so inconsistent and dependent on where you live. That is just bloody backwards. And sorry for moaning about the 6month nhs wait. I know I'm bloody lucky to get this last shot. I sound like a spoilt ungrateful moo.
I know we all look normal but I still feel like a freak.
the thread does feel like it will peta out. A bit sad. It has had a bloody good 3 year run but also a highly depressing realisation some of us are still here. I wish we could have all left a long time ago and burned it down as we left together.

I've loved this thread for the wonderful support it has given me and I consider you all friends now. I've met a number in real life too - ray, devon, critter, gin, princess, frannie and I am sure there are some I am forgetting from the group meet we did a couple of years ago. I know some of you find FB too painful at the moment, but we do have our little group over there, so it is one way that we can stay in touch whatever stage we are at. I'd feel very sad if we were all to drift apart.

Psst, 10 plussers could I draw your attention to this very special thread

So much I want to write in response to pout, I will be back tomorrow to post.

Just wanting to let you know I am reading and thinking of you all. More tomorrow!

Ello.

I have shed a little tear reading the thread today. This thread actually fell off my I'm on list for the first time ever and I'm sorry for not being a better online friend. Life feels like ttc was a thing in the past. My clinic had forgotten to ask my pct of I could transfer funding I found out on Friday (this has now been resolved in response to rage) and so it continues. I no longer read any board other than ours in conception, a continual wheel of smep, af late but no bfn, implantation bleeding. I really am beyond all of that. I think we are too established now for newcomers but look how busy we have been today. I find that comforting. Lately I can imagine not having children and saying I tried my best. Pout it is fucking rotten we are in that statistic. But with five of us on here still I do wonder if that statistic in the mid thirties is higher than we think.

Critter. I want to hug you very tightly and make it better. Me and h were attached to the photo the scanner gave us of our follicle! We loved Boris and that is but a nothing compared to how much you knew James and developed a relationship with him. I am so glad your mum is with you and that she has been of such comfort but sad that you have this shared experience. I think about you every day. A holiday place to just be and soak up some sunshine is a good plan. Your words were so touching and said it all so well. I grieve for my lost time and the lost innocence of my pre ttc life.

Pout. I send out a huge empathy laden hug. But I still believe I will read of your surprise bfp, I really do. That sounds like a thoughtful plant!

Cos, may this be womble accommodating and pregnancy crazy dreamtime.will be thinking of you on Thursday, the wait must be a killer.

Ray, agree with euro that maybe clexane might be what is suggested. Great about the normal results though.

Devon sympathies with the NHS or anti conception brigade as I lately think of them. I can't even express my crossness about the apology letter I got. But not for a public forum methinks. But I do think a simpler approach could work for you. And be so much less stressy? Not that ivf of any kind is relaxing!

Nelly, what is an aquascan? Oo Greece in a day. Aquascan and halloumi salad? Holding hand in donor egg sister way .

Wave to our pregnant ladies sea, euro, cos, lemon and ladies not seen on here in a while. Buzzy how's life on the other side? Thinking of Sar, princess, art and gin and mad too. Glad we have a portal for keeping up with each other in other places. But yes an explosion of bfps and turn off the lights would be bloody brilliant. Whatever happened to rum? I liked her posts and know she was gearing up for ivf. Rum if you read, hello.

And lovely art! Any anyone else lovely I missed

I don't really know where to start, lovelies.

First, critter. I am so glad your mum has been such a support, but devastated to read about her losses and your older brother. I am convinced like her, you will get a fulfilling family life with the twiblings, but as she's shown you'll never forget James.

The way you describe the acute grief for James combined with the long-term grief of TTC for too long and lost years and happiness really hits home. I do think the rawness of the pain will go, but it will stay as a scar and sadness besides all the happiness I am convinced is in store for you and mrC. And I still cannot believe something like this has happened to one so lovely as yourself. Please continue to write here. The plans for a sun filled escape with mrC sound good. Sadly I've never been to the Caribean so I cannot advice. We're off for a long weekend in France in two weeks...

Fox I am sorry about the fuck-up of the NHS again and about the sadness that pervades your post. It is rubbish. I know that the stats are harsh (but so they are after about 3 yrs, when we had a big bunch of BFPs). I have lots of faith in the DE route for you and nelly. But I am well aware that it is a tough road.

I am so cross about the treatment limitations by postal code, especially thinking of you poutster. I think you'd make a wonderful mum, and your round of IVF did go quite well, so really it makes me believe it's a numbers games. Maybe we should all support nelly's lotto habit...

As to the end of the thread longevity. I do think we've become a bit of a closed club now, and that is not surprising, seeing what we've shared on here. I consider you all old friends, which is why I still hang out here. I believe there is plenty of life and chances still to be had on here. But I also respect that for some thinking about ttc will be too painful at some stage, luckily we have the other place as well. I am here til you kick me out, in any case. Big group hug.

Thanks for the link ray. I think I know what it is, so will check it out!

I'm glad you're still here lemon

critter your words are so powerful. My grandmother had twin girls who were born early and didn't survive and I realised when I read what you had written yesterday that she will still feel their loss, 45 years on. I don't even know when their birthday was and I doubt anyone around her remembers either. It makes me feel so sad to think this is something that she carries with her every day. I know what you mean about time lost. Sometimes when I'm feeling more philosophical I think there is a reason I've had these extra years without children. But most of the time I feel a huge sense of sadness that I could have been a mum and I'm still not. A holiday in the sun sounds lovely. Sometimes a change of scenery can be a great tonic. How do you feel about returning to work? How is your physical recovery going?

I think it's likely this thread will come to an end fairly soon. I still need it though, because it's the only place I can really talk about ttc stuff. I don't need it for the other chit chat but that's a nice bonus. pout I always thought that there would be a few of us on the thread who wouldn't get pregnant. But I so wished that we wouldn't follow the trend and that all of us would achieve it. I think it was devon who pointed out that you, me and her were on the very first page of the first thread. There is so much unfairness in all this. I hate that money is a factor and that postcode lottery exists. I am lucky in that I get 50% of 3 fresh attempts at ivf covered but I have to pay for the frozen rounds and even finding the 50% is a squeeze for us. I know I am very, very fortunate that I have had lots of testing for free, far more than I'd get on the nhs. As a few of you have said, I do think that it is probably a numbers game for us but we can't afford (either financially or emotionally or physically) to keep going until we hit lucky. We'll do our third fresh round and then give up. I'll be playing euro millions though and will pay for everyone to have as many attempts as needed if my numbers come up. I seem to be good at falling into a tiny percentage so you never know.

euro is right I think the thrombosis (probably not the right word, I'm translating. I think it's the blood clotting factors. There are lots of things, some of them genetic which affect the clotting process and I was tested for a whole range. One of them was outside the normal range but it's not clear if it's an issue at all) will be treated with clexane. But I had this last round and it made no difference. My gut instinct is that the sperm isn't great, it's highly likely that there is dna damage and so it's a case of finding one that is ok and no test can really do that yet. We might give picsi a go so that we can say we tried everything. Dh is not totally convinced about this and has promised to do some digging around and research before we say yes to it.

Critter I had forgotten that your Mum has been through so much too. She must feel so sad for you that you are experiencing the same pain. I say it every time but I really want you to know that I have been thinking of you today and everyday.

devon Aw Gawd, I hope you didn't think that I mean't anything saying that your IVF wait will fly by. I just mean't that while 6 months sounds like a long time (and it is when you have been waiting for sooooo long to have a baby) it will pass fairly quickly especially with Spring coming and the weather changing and all that stuff I also would hate for you to think that I am anything but happy that you have managed to get another round on the NHS. I most definitely would have been very pissed off had you not got another go.
I too conclude that we all look normal but like you still can't shake the feeling of being a freak. I am really beginning to appreciate/feel how out of order my mother was in telling everyone about our infertility because the time is coming where I have to think about life beyond children but because she has told everyone I will always be in their eyes poor Pout who couldn't have babies. It feels like the barren label will always be there no matter how much I want to shed it.

fox You are kidding that the hospital have forgotten about you again. That is shockingly unbelievable and I don't blame you for being absolutely livid. Will it delay things?
I hear you on the staying away from other threads on the Conception board. I feel very alienated from all that too but strangely don't feel very at home in the Infertility board either. Peversely I think I find it too full of optimism because it is mainly people posting about treatment. I wish there was a corner that really was about infertility and "the end".

lemons Your posts are always so lovely and uplifting. I am glad that you are sticking around and can't imagine kicking you off here!

ray It is so strange to think that the me, you and devon of the very first page of the very first thread would still be here and that we had no idea of how long and arduous this journey would be! I don't think that I am ready to step back from this thread yet and still feel like I need an outlet to discuss TTC stuff. I too am very happy to have the other place so that we don't lose contact. I've said it before but I am so fond of you all that to not have you all around would be too horrible

Good luck tomorrow Cos. I will be keeping everything crossed.

Den there's prob another two years of assisted conception energy in me before plan D so I'll still keep the thread slowly ticking along! I do wonder if it's time to make it a more generic title for real long haul triers? I don't feel as well placed to support with ten month worries? Just a thought.

Cross post pout. Maybe we could be ten plus and beyond? Gawd maybe that sounds depressing!

Oh and yes, was told a month for agreement to donor on Xmas Eve, matched by April. What a load of horseshit. I feel locked into my clinic but am considering seeing if I can move.

fox Will you still hit the April timescale or does it mean that it will be 4/5 months from now until you get a match?

Ten Plus and Beyond...why can I only think that with a Buzz Lightyear voice?

fox that's really annoying. You have been so poorly treated by the medical profession.

Euro I am not going to go away quietly but that's a story for fb. The letter about what has happened to me is shocking and a 'we are very sorry' isn't enough. Ha pout I though the same but don't think infinity and ttc are good wordfellows

Hello lovelies,

I'm finished with work anxieties and back from a long weekend away. I have managed to read on my phone but every attempt to post has failed miserably. I need to accept that my old phone is rubbish and get a new one.

critter your mother's support must be invaluable just now but so hard for you both to share such a sad experience. I too believe that you will get your happy ending but the loss of James will have changed you irrevocably. It sounds trite but I do think that this struggle to have a family that has brought us all together will have made us stronger and more compassionate people for having been through it. You and MrC will move forward but never forget your first born and you will make wonderful parents.

cos I will be thinking of you tomorrow and hoping that all goes well. I still expect bad news at every appointment and that is without your experience of miscarriage so I imagine that the anxiety is magnified.

fox channel those energies into making a nuisance of yourself at that hospital. You have had such horrible experiences and they should be bending over backwards to make sure that you feel well cared for. The DE route is definitely a psychological hurdle but I think, like buzzy, you will have success and care not a jot where that egg came from when holding your baby in your arms.

devon my nhs clinic also gave a longer time scale than was actually the case. I don't think they like failing to meet deadlines and are overly pessimistic as a result.

pout I am so sorry to hear you sounding so low. I felt a bit worried myself about the infertility stuff being public but I think personally I would have been okay with people knowing that I hadn't chosen not to have a family, but rather that biology had conspired against me. It is such a personal thing though and should have been your decision to make, not anyone else's.

ray I am glad that you have had your tests done prior to the FET. It's important to feel that the clinic have covered all the bases.

nelly have been thinking of you as it gets colder and wetter around here. Treatment in Athens must be sounding better by the day!!

I still have so much hope for everyone here. Almost every day I say to MrM that I really didn't believe that we would get to this point and yet here we are. I still believe that a last minute clutch of bfps could see us all turning out the lights on this thread, but not on the friendships that we've found here.

Waves to all that I've missed.

I'm glad to read so many messages today, ill have to respond individually another time. Good idea about the name of the thread though, there must be others in our boat who might like to join, I think it's more the being at a similar stage thing, but I know what you mean about an established group - so glad I joined

Selfish post coming up - I was cramping all day yesterday and the bleeding started last night and intensified today - exactly like my last miscarriage in that once the 'products' were passed the cramping eased off. Bit like my heaviest period day. i am typing from the comfort of a hot bath and a glass of bubbly. I was at work all day so just making very frequent trips to the loo - I think Mad is right, maybe we're all tough as old boots now. Anyway I'm really fine, so don't worry. I do have one tmi question - I ended up inadvertently with the 'products' on a tissue. I was in a bit of a daze and ended up stuffing the ball of tissue in a crisp packet and have brought it home! (oh dear, sorry about this everyone). I'm going to try ringing the epu tomorrow to ask about getting it tested, but not expecting much joy - does anyone know if you can get it done privately?

DH just said its not the end of the world ?

Cos, I'm so sorry :( no words to say how upset I am for you. Tight hugs from me. Will the nhs not test it for you? Are to being seen for recurrent miscarriage?

Critter thinking of you and James, it is heartbreaking that your mum has had such a sad loss, I don't think its something you ever get over.

fox I cannot believe you are being pissed about the NHS again, they sound shambolic

nelly i think some people go and come back in 24 hours to Athens for the scan

pout i am sorry you are feeling so low

ray i think here if you have blood clotting issues then they give you blood thinners like clexane, were you on that in the past

devon i think the nhs round could be the one for you, its just frustrating waiting to get on with it

Fox you asked how it was going, things are good, to be honest it still doesn't feel real, I feel like I am looking after someone elses baby and one day they will turn up and want her back, I find myself looking at babybee and feeling overwhelmed at how lucky I am and how grateful I am to some stranger in Brno who helped make my dream come true

Oh cos, I'm sorry. Could it just be a big clot? I can't believe you worked through that, tough as old boots is about right. Bloody hell, I so want this to be ok for you.

Buzzy that is lovely. It gives me lots of hope.

Scary weather in my neck of the woods. I'm not sure I remember weather this unleashed. Was working outside all day. My cheeks are scarlet wind burnt.

Also cos, I would have done the same you know.

Oh cos, no no , not again. I am so so sorry. This your 3rd miscarriage now and so the nhs has an obligation to test. I would go into the epu and ask for a scan and then tell them you want histology and karotyping on your little bean. It is easier for them to say no over the phone plus you need to speak to a doctor about it. You can get it done privately but it is expensive so I would really put pressure on the nhs to do this. What an awful 12 months you have had - piled on top of years of crap . This shouldn't be happening. I am just so sorry.

Fox - I agree a name change would be good. I don't think any of us have been trying for less than 3 or 4 years now.

I will be back. More I want to say.