Angels and Rainbows-remembering our angels and hoping for rainbows

[Star0909]

New thread ladies. Come in here for support.

[OwlinaTree]

Thinking of you mitchell. Thanks beetle, everything is OK at the moment, lots of reassuring wiggling going on. Really do hope you have an extra reason to celebrate next anniversary. Do you know when you cantry again?

[Sleepingstarsmommy]

Thinking of you Mitchell xxx

[BlueSkyandRain]

How's everyone doing? Just thought I'd post, it's been quiet here recently. Hope that's a good thing.

I'm feeling low today having had a good couple of weeks - even Christmas was easier than I expected despite af joining us for our celebrations. Nothing in particular triggered it today but several small things recently where people have just shown signs they think I should be fine now, or they've actually forgotten my son died or thought it strange that my kids are still sad at times etc. The number of people I feel I can be honest with is ever decreasing (v thankful for the faithful few) - if I say anything about still finding it hard or whatever, I seem to get a pep talk (which apart from being bloody irritating coming from people who have no idea, is also unfair given that I'm actually managing very well and doing positive things iyswim, it's just that rather unsurprisingly I'm still actually quite sad). But I guess I would've been at least as crap in terms of support if it had happened to someone else.

[OwlinaTree]

Hi blue nice to hear from you, but sorry you are feeling low. It does come and go for me too, luckily there are so many more good days now.

It is strange that there is an idea that anyone should be 'over it'. I would be worried if someone was still in bed 16 months later (that's where I am, time wise) and not making any steps forward in dealing with their grief, but it should be seen as completely normal to have a sad day.

The people I like best are those who just treat me like they always have, but don't panic if I mention my daughter, but seem to understand I need that part of my life to be acknowledged as something that happened iykwim.

I do find the concept of someone forgetting very odd. I can't really believe I'd forget that about someone tbh. People are strange.

Hope you are feeling a little better now. I'm having an extra scan on Friday to check everything is OK with my little rainbow, trying not to worry too much, as he is kicking well at the moment.

[Sleepingstarsmommy]

Needing a virtual hug this afternoon. My friend of 20+ years gave birth to her little girl this morning and both thankfully are doing well. I however am not. We were due around the same time and went to aquanatal together and it just feels like a smack in the face. Don't get me wrong I am happy for her but at the same time I feel like my heart is breaking all over again. Feel guilty for feeling like this as well which just makes me feel even worse. Sorry for rambling but everyone in real life seems to have moved on and whilst I am coping most of the time this has tipped me over the edge and it feels as raw today as when it first happened.

[BlueSkyandRain]

Sorry you're finding today hard sleeping . Consider yourself (((hug)))ed, sorry it's not the same as rl.

I don't think you need to feel guilty - not that it's something you can switch off - it's natural that your friend's baby's birth would stir up your grief, and as we all know grief causes all sorts of different emotions. Ultimately however our emotions come out, it's all part of us just wishing our dcs were still alive I think.

owl thanks for your post, you always seem to make me feel a bit better :) . I like friends that are like you described too, I'm seeing some tomorrow which I hope will help pull me out of my current downer. Good to hear the little owl is a wriggler :)

[OwlinaTree]

Oh sleeping that is very tough. I do always feel emotional when friends give birth. Much as I am delighted all is well it does make me think about how much me and Mr Owl have missed out on. It must be particularly tough when your baby was due too.

You probably didn't read my post a while back about a lady from my work bringing her baby to a work night out after we had been pg at the same time. Really did shakeme and I thought I was doing so well at the time. It's so normal to feel the way you are feeling, don't feel guilty.

blue hope you feel better today, and you have a fun time with your friends.

[OwlinaTree]

Hi guys, hope you are all OK. Had another scan yesterday to check baby's growth and everything still looks normal, very reassuring. Consultant was lovely, but every time we go to the hospital I sit there waiting getting more and more nervous and as soon as we go in my mind goes totally blank. Luckily Mr owl is much calmer and remembers to ask all the right questions.

Feel calmer now, they have reminded me that I can go in to the unit if I'm ever worried about the movements. Loving being pg and can't wait to meet the baby but getting more and more anxious as we get closer to the 38 weeks.

I'm also finding it difficult to actually do anything practical for the baby, like read about breast feeding etc, but I know i have to get prepared soon. I guess it's hard to get my head round the fact that i am very likely to be bringing my baby home this time.

Hope you are all doing OK out there, how are you other pg ladies? star, little? How are you getting on missa? Hope you enjoyed the time with your friends blue. Good luck to the ladies TTC too, hope you are having peaceful days, and it's going well.

[BlueSkyandRain]

Hi owl good to hear it's all still going well. Glad you're managing to enjoy being pg, even though you're anxious too. It must be so hard, like you say, to actually start thinking about the reality of taking this baby home. How exciting though! :) Will your dh have much time off afterwards? Because I think I'd probably cope by burying my head in the sand until it actually happens, and then wing it - if your dh will be around a fair bit you'll manage to bumble along between you!

Waves to everyone, hope the days are gentle.

[missalexandra]

Hi Ladies, hope you are all ok

Owl Its great to hear Little Owlet is growing nicely and youre managing to enjoy the pregnancy. It must be so complicated, such a conflict of emotions. How far along are you now, sorry I have lost count of the weeks? Know what you mean about the mind going blank as soon as you walk through the door - I always go armed with a huge written list of questions now. I think not wanting/not being able to prepare things for the baby is natural for Mums who've been through what we have...I wouldnt worry about it - once you get your baby in your arms all that practical stuff will probably seem unimportant!


Sleeping sorry the hug comes late, it is totally normal for you to be feeling like you do and you definitely shouldnt feel guilty. You are happy for your friend but like you say it just reminds you how unfair life has been. In the books Ive read about losing a baby they all say that allowing yourslef to feel all those emotions is just part of the healing process. Hope youre feeling better since you wrote the post.

Blue sorry you were feeling so low, I think post-Christmas is a time for feeling like that anyway, never mind after being though what we have. Its so cruel that right when we need our 'friends' most they seem unable to support us - like Owl says maybe we too would have been crap at knowing how to react if it had happened to a friend, but forgetting or expecting someone to "get over it"...I really dont think so. I just keep telling myself that if they are that insensitive then its probably better not to have them in my life anyway. Did your friend cheer you up? I have wondered if maybe it might be a good idea to make some completely new friends, and not say anything (or at least for a while) about our loss. Sort of allow myself a pain-free zone where I know they dont know and there is no pink elephant in the room constantly. Probably wouldnt be able to do it anyway as I cry so easily nowadays and they'd start to wonder why or think I am just plain mad!

Mitchell I hope you managed to get through your precious daughters anniversary as well as could be hoped, it is hard to imagine how it must feel to have had her with you for so many years then lose her.

Ruby, Beetle, Tulip, Spacefrog hope you are all doing ok

AFM As expected Christmas for us was pretty grim, the festivities are just so in-your-face and impossible to ignore. I couldnt face going anywhere on the 24th or 25th but we went to DH's family 'do' on Boxing day, as expected I ended up in tears for most of the meal, it was pretty surreal as they all just kept on eating/talking. I sort of wish that someone had come right out and mentioned A, but nobody did and maybe it was for the best, I dont know. I sort of naively hoped that I might feel a bit 'lighter' after the first anniversay, but its not happened. All thats changed is (like Blue) I get the distinct feeling that people expect me to be ok now over a year has passed

Hugs to everyone, sorry to those I've missed xx

[BlueSkyandRain]

Lovely to hear from you missa. I'm sorry your time with family on Boxing Day was so hard. I always think its better when people do come out and say something, and especially if you're already upset. It sounds very strange actually that no one did - were they being kind to you in other ways and just not knowing what to say or were they wanting you to put on your 'everythings ok' mask better?

I tried the meeting new people and not telling them, btw. Didn't really help me - kept realising I couldn't get round it because I had to avoid so many topics of conversation (as they all link in some way to my loss) and so it felt awkward. I'm normally a very open person, totally unaccustomed to hiding anything (which it felt like I was). But telling new people is difficult too, you never know how they'll react.

Yes, seeing my friends (I met up with several lovely people over the last couple of weeks) has really helped. One in particular, we had a big chat and I felt she understood how I feel as much as anyone can. Why does that make so much difference? It seems to me that when people don't 'get it' I feel worse, but when someone does it really helps. I don't know why that should be.

[OwlinaTree]

Hi guys, thanks for your kind words blue and missa. Glad you had a good time with your friends blue, good friends really do help don't they?

Sorry your Christmas was rough missa. It must be such a tough time for you. I don't really think it being a year makes such a big difference, I think I went backwards a bit during the time of the anniversary tbh. There is nothing wrong with your reactions missa. We gave all our family a little candle holder at our daughter's funeral, and one of the reasons was so we could light then on Christmas day and have them on the table. Them we would all have a little reminder of her on the day, even if we weren't talking about her, like she would be there in a way.

Do hope you are feeling a bit better now.

I finally joined the boots parenting club in an effort to prepare myself for the baby. Bad move. The magazine arrived on Saturday and I could hardly even read it. Looked at a couple of pages and then just spent the day crying on and off. Kept seeing all the pictures and missing my little girl so much. I know I'm so lucky to be expecting again, but I wanted to be a mum to my daughter too. I'm crying now writing this. I think I'm going to have to go with your advice blue and just wing it when the baby comes. DH will have 2 weeks off, so I won't be alone.

Hope you are all well out there, and having restful weekends.

[BlueSkyandRain]

Oh owl :( it's horrible when it all just hits you again isn't it, it sounds like you had one of those moments... sometimes I still can't believe it all actually happened and my baby actually died.

Can you talk to your mw about it, they ought to be able to make sure they support you well afterwards so that you can continue just dealing with each day at a time. I think the having to plan ahead part of this pg must be so difficult, because it immediately links to all the 'what if' and 'what should have been' thoughts iyswim.

Hope you're feeling a bit better again now x

[OwlinaTree]

Thanks blue I an feeling a bit better now. like you say, I think it just hit me all over again really. Went to see some friends on Saturday who have just had their baby 5 weeks ago. This was the first time we have been to see friends with such a little one since we lost our daughter,but actually it was a lovely afternoon, and im really glad we did it.

I'm seeing my midwife on Tuesday so I may mention my concerns about everything and just see what she says. I am worried i won't bond because I'll be too worried about things going wrong, so I might mention that.

Hope you have had a good weekend too.

[missalexandra]

Blue I'm so glad you have at least one friend who you feel understands you, that must be lovely and I'm sure it does make a difference. Most of my friends (I now hesitate to call them that) try unsuccessfully to hide that they think I should be "moving on". I have a couple of friends who try their hardest which is great, but I'm afraid in the end they just dont get it. Am I the only one who sometimes feel like I should withdraw from relationships so as not to be a burden? I sort of imagined that making new no-tell friends would be almost impossible, and after hearing what you say I'm convinced I would be the same. Like you say, all roads seem to lead to the same place now, even the most non-related stuff eventually brings back some sort of memory of A and I end up crying.

Owl I think your idea of the candle holder is absolutely beautiful, what a lovely way to have your little girl 'present' on Christmas day. It must have been hard for you to go see your friends new baby, well done to you for actually enjoying it. As far as the parenting club...I can totally imagine how you felt. It seems hard for people to grasp that a new baby doesnt immediately wipe out all our sad memories, when in fact the two are totally different things. Of course you will still yearn for your daughter, even when your new LO is in your arms, its just natural. I hope everything goes really well tomorrow with the MW.

I think on boxing Day DH's family's reaction was a mix of both - just wanting me to not spoil the day and put on my "I'm fine" mask and also not wanting to upset me. From day one I have had so many upsetting and insensitive comments from them (especially my MIL) that really knocked me back that in the end I think DH told them just not to say anything, maybe thats part of the reason. So the serviette holder was just passed my way down the table and that was that!

AFM decided to do some sessions with the Korean acupuncturist who 'cured' my beginnings of a slipped disc a couple of years ago to try and sort out my painful knee. He is amazing, not sure if its him thats so special or all Korean acupuncturists are as good (its different from Chinese in that the needle only go in your hands/feet) but he 'cured' my bad back in just 7 sessions after various years of awful pain and no solutions from modern medicine. He 'listens' to your chi/energy by holding your wrist and his diagnosis is that my chi is totally unbalanced and I am very sad/upset/nervous. As usual I burst into tears and ended up telling him that "something extremely sad" had happened to me and I am very down. He insists that as well as the knee probs he can help with my sadness, I had never really thought of acupuncture for emotional pain and although for the moment after two sessions I dont feel any brighter I still have hope it might help in some way. Has anyone else felt better after acupuncture? The knee is definitely better though so thats something!

Virtual hugs to all xx

[Rubyshoe]

Hi all First I really want to apologise for being 'missing in action' and not being around to support people, but I'm back now so am all ears for all of you (and virtual hugs for everyone who needs it).

Owl I'm glad your pregnancy is going well and you enjoyed seeing your friends baby. I completely understand the plan to 'wing it' when your little on comes. With our angel we were quite organised (unusual for us) and had the car seat fitted in the care complete with snugly blanket and nappies out the packet in the drawers ready but I think when you have known the loss we have you approach everything with some air of disbelief. Did you manage to have a chat with your midwife? I think the candles was such a beautiful idea, your angel will always be with you and your family at gatherings in such a lovely way.

MissA I'm sorry Xmas was difficult for you. You were very much in my thoughts. No one has the right to tell us how or at what speed to grieve and I think you are right, even the most compassionate people seem to lose empathy after a while. My MiL was a rock after we lost H but even she on Xmas day was determined to watch the Queens speech and couldnt understand why this would be upsetting for us. despite the fact that it was all about Prince George. Our angel died the following day and was actually dead inside me (although I didn't realise) as DH and I sat and watched Kate and William bring him out. luckily DH put his foot down and said we are not watching it, and that was that.

Blue Sorry so many of your friends don't seem to get what you are still going through. I am glad one of them seems to be really there for you. People like that in our Lives are few and far between and make such a difference. I think your not wanting to 'pretend' to new people is natural. Why should we have to lie about our lives and our beautiful babies for other peoples comfort? I recently found out that a close friend had remarked after seeing me soon after H death that she felt looking at the black and white photos was bizarre and she hadn't wanted to do it. her reason was that she felt that she had never seen H and hadn't been invited to the funeral so it felt 'bizarre'. I felt bad for about 5mins and then just thought........well I've looked at enough photos of your kids over the years so you can look at mine..... You're an adult....deal with it....am I harsh?

[Rubyshoe]

Looked at the length of that post so decided to start a new one.....

New post...new start....I have a secret, I'm starting to cry as I write this....in January got the BFP we have so desperately been waiting for. I hadn't planned on posting it till much later but over the last couple of weeks we started to have some bleeding and we're afraid we were miscarrying. We had a scan yesterday though at 7weeks in EPAU and everything looks ok. Embryo, yolk sac and heart beat. It's incredibly early days but I guess we have hope. I am terrified but I guess you have to be 'in it to win it' so deep breath and try again. I hope you are all ok and sorry again for not being round, I think I have been quietly processing our news x

[OwlinaTree]

Ruby that's such great news, will be keeping everything crossed for you. Scan sounds very positive though.

Thanks for your kind message, I didn't chat to the midwife much in the end, as it wasn't the normal one, but she did ask if I had booked my anti natal classes and I said I didn't want to go, and explained why and she was very sympathetic, and pointed me towards some websites instead which was good.

miss good luck with the acupuncture, hope it helps. Thinking of you.

[missalexandra]

Ruby that is wonderful news! Congrats to you and DH. It is so lovely to read good news on here, gives us all a bit of hope back. Scary about the bleed, it seems to happen quite often with no consequences so try and stay calm. Had a little tear over what you said about watching Prince George being brought home healthy and happy. I think we were all upset by the stupid OTT media coverage, it really brought home that nobody gives second thought to things not turning out perfectly whereas we now know differently. Good on your DH for putting his foot down about the Queen's speech! I dont think youre being harsh about your friend who thought your photos of H were 'bizarre'. I assume you asked if she wanted to see them and she said yes...she should have said no if she wasnt comfortable with the idea instead of commenting on it later behind your back. Keep us up to date with your news if you feel you can/want to x

Owl Shame you didnt get to see your regular MW, but at least the one you saw was sympathetic. Hope everything else was good too x

Had another session with the acupuncture, some of the needles really hurt. The one that goes into my inner wrist gave me a huge electrical shock and flew out of my arm onto the floor - it was like something out of Poltergeist, shocked us both I think. I reckon I must have so much negative/sad energy charging round my body that it escapes through any small hole made! He asked exactly what is was that was making me so very sad so I told him, ended up in floods of tears again Never in my life thought I would cry so much in public Not feeling any less sad, maybe the tiniest bit more 'calm' though.

Thinking of you all xx

[OwlinaTree]

miss I've long ago stopped caring about crying in public. Hope the acupuncture is helping you. Mr owl was asking how you were today, we both think of you a lot.

Ruby hope you are still feeling OK, all well with pg. Will you be having consultant led care?

[BlueSkyandRain]

Congratulations ruby! hope everything's settled down ok now & that you're feeling ok.

owl that's a shame that you didn't get to see your normal mw, when are you next seeing her - is it all fortnightly now? How are you feeling?

missalex it sounds like the acupuncture must be doing something anyway, for it to cause a reaction like that! and its good he's a sympathetic person for you to be around. Is your knee any better now too?

I met up with my lovely friend yesterday, great to see her as always, but a member of her family has sadly joined our club recently, sounds like she had a similar experience to mine . It's just so rubbish that it happens at all.

[OwlinaTree]

Nice to hear from you blue, so sorry to hear about your friend's family member.

Midwife is not great at the mo. Had to go to a different clinic on Tues, as there was no midwife at my clinic. Been told to book for 4th, but no appointments left. I found out that over the next weeks it's fully booked or no midwife till 11th - I'll have had it by then! Apparently the mw is going to ring me....

[missalexandra]

Blue I'm so glad meeting your friend cheers you up, what a shame about her relative, there are so many in our little 'club', its so sad. Are you feeling better after your post-xmas downer? How is the new work project going?

My acupuncture is definitely doing something for my knee, but I certainly didnt get any sympathy when I told him why I am so sad. His reply was "well surely you have other children"...as if that would mean losing A was of less importance!!! When I told him that we dont, he just huffed and left the room, hasnt mentioned it since. But to be truthful, I am feeling definitely calmer, hard to explain, not flying off the hook for any tiny thing.

Owl How frustrating with your midwives/appointments. And right now when you need to be staying super-calm. Did she get back to you?

Star and Jules thinking of you and hoping everything is going ok. Ruby hope youre ok too.

Hope the lack of new posts on here is a good thing...

Hugs to everyone I've missed and anyone who might be lurking and need one xx

[OwlinaTree]

No call from midwife yet...

missa what a strange reaction from acupuncturist. Hope you are OK. Glad your knee is feeling better and you are feeling calmer.