Angels and Rainbows-remembering our angels and hoping for rainbows

[Star0909]

New thread ladies. Come in here for support.

[Sleepingstarsmommy]

Hello everyone. Have name changed since my last posts and I'm aka Drowninginsorrow.

My post mortum results show that an infection overwhelmed my little boy but they haven't been able to identify the type of infection. This does not explain my previous losses though.

Consultant has said she is happy for us to try again and has set out a clear plan as to my future treatment (aspirin, regular swabs and progesterone pessaries) and regular scans.

Praying for my rainbow and hoping to get a BFP for Xmas. My anxiety will go through the roof but I have to try again ASAP as my lovely consultant pointed out I won't be one of her youngest moms (Im 36!). Have always conceived in the first cycle of trying before and just hoping that this happens again. Not sure how I'll cope if it takes longer to conceive this time - my need to be pregnant again is almost primal.

[OwlinaTree]

Hi guys, sorry not been on for ages. Just been so busy with work and Xmas not been thinking about stuff much.

I'm so sorry your parents have been so unsupportive Ruby. I hope you have other friends and family who have been there for you. It's funny which friends do seem to be able to deal with it and those who don't. It's certainly changed some of my friendships over the last year or so.

Glad the pm went well frog. Does sound like you got the answers you needed and great that you can try again.

Glad you are also able to try again sleeping. It really does help to feel you are moving forward. Bfp by Xmas may be a little soon but I'm keeping everything crossed for you to have that good news soon. What a lovely Xmas present that would be.

I am fine and bump is too. Still reassuringly feeling lots of wriggles, and my first additional scan on Friday plus consultant appointment. Hoping all is well, trying just to think of it as a bonus chance to see the baby.

Hugs to all, hope things going well for star, little andblue too.

[Spacefrog35]

Hi beetle. I'm so sorry you have to join us here but of course you're welcome. I've not been here very long but the other ladies have been incredibly supportive.

One thing I do know is whatever happened it was NOT your fault. I can't imagine the stress that IVF must put you under but please be gentle with yourself & if you need to talk we're here.

x

[Rubyshoe]

Hi Beetle a very warm and sad hello to you. I am so sorry you find yourself on here. It's not what we planned is it? It wasn't meant to be like this. First of all I am so sorry you lost your beautiful boys, please tell us more about them if you feel you want to. I think you must be an incredibly strong person and it really has been no time at all since you lost your angels. I can't imagine how difficult it must be planning another cycle of IVF and trying to deal with moving countries. are all your family back in the UK.... Do you have any support where you are in RL?

My beautiful angel H was still born at the end of July at 40 + 2, the pregnancy had Been completely problem free and she just stopped moving. We got the PM result back and like your boys she died of ascending infection which had got into her blood. The bug also didn't show up on any of my cultures or swabs. We have also been told that this was incredibly rare and shouldn't happen again but I know completely how you are feeling.

I don't have any answers I am afraid, I guess we all just have to listen to advice and do what we think is best? sorry I am abut slow with the abbreviations what is IC?

Like you we are also back on the TTC rollercoaster. I think for me the first few months were the hardest as I had convinced myself I was going to be one of those lucky ladies who conceived the first month after their loss. When it didn't happen I did lose the plot a bit! This is now my third cycle of TTC and I have come to terms a little with the fact that it might take a little while.... I am 37 though so I can very much feel my clock ticking!

I think the thing is after something like this we completely lose our innocence that everything 'will be ok' because we have been in the middle of the storm. I just have to keep telling myself that we have each other and we have hope....

Space glad the PM meeting went 'well' what is NEC (told you I am rubbish on abbreviations!)

sleeping sorry didn't twig that you had changed your name! I'm glad that you also have answers. 36! Pah! You are a spring chicken! I've become a bit obsessed lately that as soon as anyone announces a pregnancy I have to know how old the mother is! My friends just laugh now! Fx you catch quickly this time it is an overwhelming need though isn't it. Just after we lost H Idid say that I could now understand why women go about and steal babies..... We can all keep each other company and hopefully sane on the TTC bus!

Owl Glad time is passing for you and your little bear is wriggly... Hope your scan goes well and gives you some reassurance and peace.

Hi to all others on thread and any new angels mums lurking x

Gosh that was long sorry..... !

[Sleepingstarsmommy]

Beetle and Ruby It was also infection that took my little prince - and my swabs didnt culture either. I was poorly with it though by the time I was admitted. Had felt tired, run down and very hot for a week but just put it down to being pregnant and being back at work on a ward. Being heavily pregnant doing 12.5 shifts on a hot busy ward was bound to make you feel a bit rough. Although I did initially beat myself up for not recognising it but the consultant pointed out that they hadn't picked it up - I went for monitoring for reduced movement a fortnight before and got sent home from delivery the day before when I went in complaining of regular contractions that I was told was probably nothing to do with the pregnancy but was probably constipation.

Hope you dont mind me answering but NEC stands for Necrotizing enterorcolitis - where tissues of the gastrointestinal tract dies off.


Hope everyone here is ok tonight. Im having a bit of a bad day (yet another friend is pregnant but has avoided me until it can not be hidden any longer) so going to head off for an early night and pray my mood lifts a little tomorrow. Hope so as have a big exam next Monday and really need to start to revise but having difficulty focusing.

[LittleTulip]

Good evening ladies,

Sorry if I don't respond to all by name.

missa sorry about your little girl. I guess Christmas is going to be an extra cruel time for you. Have you decided what you are going to do? Know what you mean about avoiding family, I pretty much avoid everyone at the moment. Only feel comfortable with DH, parents, and siblings and their partners. Everybody else can get lost to be honest with you. That sounds awful doesn't it?

Saying that I've been feeling pretty miserable the last few days. Might be to do with AF. I was also hoping praying that I would magically get pregnant the first cycle of trying after losing 'A' Rubyshoe, you hear so many happy stories of people catching so soon but it was not to be this month, so have been pretty down in the dumps about that too. I mean it took us approx 18 months the first time so who am I kidding? Saying that I charted temps first time this month and was glad relieved it showed I ovulated. Looking back at my cycles over the last year or so I'm not sure me and DH dtd at the right time really. We weren't as 'committed' to it as we are now, it's become quite regimented at the moment. I try not to mention it to DH though as he gets annoyed!

I'm also using the CBFM, I conceived after using it a few months the first time. The sticks are bloody expensive though! Acupuncture is going ok I think, have had really regular cycles since giving birth which is pretty good for me. I'm not fully convinced on the whole acupuncture thing however it does make me feel relaxed and makes me feel like I'm doing something. And it's funny Ruby you mentioning asking peoples ages when pregnant I have pretty much worked out my aunties/cousins/mum/sister/friends ages at when they conceived their children. Ha it's ridiculous I know! It's my birthday next week so that's another year written off for me and another Christmas alone with DH.

Welcome beetle I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your beautiful twins. I can understand your fear about another ivf cycle, I hope you get all the care necessary.

sleeping I'm glad you are trying again and that your consultant appointment went as well as could be. I have also found out that another cousin is pregnant with her second, she's got an 8 month old and conceived first time round for both. Jealous/resentment/pissed off just does not cut it! It's not fair is it? All those that that have picture perfect pregnancies with healthy babies at the end, well what about us? Why did this happen to me? I've shed a lot of tears about it the last few days and well now I'm just plain old angry.



Glad your pm went well space, and good for you for going back to work. I'm still not back but I'm feeling more and more ready as the days go by. The only thing that is freaking me out is sharing an office with my heavily pregnant colleague. How the heck am I going to deal with that?!

Hello owlina, blue and tadpole - hope the baby shower wasn't too bad, (and any other lurkers )

[missalexandra]

Beetle I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your precious little ones. It is so recent for you, no wonder you are feeling a million emotions right now. You mention that you think your tragedy is less than that of people living in poverty or enduring natural disasters...but I personally think that the pain of losing a baby is comparable (or worse) than many other types of hardship. If you have your family with you you can face anything. So its very natural that you are feeling that life is unfair, because in our case it really, truly has been. You will gradually feel a little better in time, even though now it doesnt feel that way. What did the ObGyn say?

Littletulip hope youre feeling a bit brighter? No it doesnt sound awful that you are avoiding certain people at the moment, I think its the best thing to not see people who can upset you even more or are just plain insensitive. Not sure which day is your birthday but I hope that you have/had as happy a one as possible under the circumstances

Sleepingstar hope youre feeling brighter too? You so shouldnt beat yourself up about not picking up on something that the even the doctors didnt. We put ourselves in their hands and hope they know what theyre doing, although unfortunately (as in our case) they dont. Cant believe you got sent home from delivery for 'constipation'

Ruby I am so sorry to hear how your parents are reacting, that is so bad. It really is hard to come to terms with how people can behave isnt it? I have found its better to just cut them out of your life, but of course thats very difficult when its your parents. Its good to hear about your friend finally achieveing their dream after 11 IVF cycles, if we do go for another it will be our 8th cycle. So much heartache and so much money spent (and still not repaid) it really is a tough journey especially when there is no happy end result :( Sorry, no idea even what a CBFM is, but Im sure someone will give you some advice and I hope its all going well.

Spacefrog its good you got answers from your meeting, and it sounds like you have supportive people looking after you.

Owl hope the scan and visit went well

How are our other ladies-with-bumps doing?

AFM Today was the day one year ago that I was admitted to hospital, and although I'm really, really trying I cant help but keep thinking "right now so-and-so was happening" and its all coming back. Torturing myslef thinking of decisions we made or should have made. Just feels like I'm going to be hardly able to breathe until Xmas is over. It is really upsetting me that people are wishing me a "Happy Christmas"...even people who know about us losing A on Xmas eve. How on earth could I have a happy time? And I think the worst is that I got a Xmas card from my best friend and she has written "Wishing you a very merry Christmas and a wonderful and exciting new year". Is it just me being over-sensitive or is that a totally inappropriate and uncaring thing to write?? If I were a hedgehog I would just roll up into a tiny ball with all my prickles on the outside and wait till the festivities were over to unroll. Its my birthday in a couple of days too, so that reminds me of how the years have gone by and my arms are still empty :(

I hope everyone is managing to face the Xmas run-up as well as they can, and hopefully finding some happiness in a season that should be full of light and hope.

Love to all, sorry for not namechecking everyone xx

[OwlinaTree]

Hi missa, good to hear from you. I've been thinking of you a lot recently, work is full of Christmas at the mo, and I had been thinking what a difficult time of year it will be. Me and Mr Owl have had a few wobbles, so can only imagine how you must be feeling. I'm so glad you are trying again. I guess the people wishing you a happy Christmas do really mean well.

I really struggled over the days in Sept just before it all happened. I kept thinking this time last year my waters broke, this time last year I was in labour etc. What i was really thinking is this time last year I was a normal person having a baby, now I'm anything but.

Had my first extra scan on Friday. Everything was fine, baby growing well etc. Was good to know but also mademe feel more vulnerable in a way, reminded me of what went wrong. DH says we can't think like that, they just want us to havea healthy baby so they are giving extra care to check nothing goes wrong this time. I know we are lucky to be expecting again, somehow I want to bury my head in the sand a bit tho, as well as have the extra care!

Hope everyone is OK, sorry to hear about your twins beetle. I am thinking of you and hope you can try again as soon as you are able.

[missalexandra]

Just wanted to wish you lovely ladies as happy a Christmas as possible. Of course we will all be thinking about our angels and how they should be with us, but I truly hope you and your families can all find some happiness in this special time. On Christmas Eve I will light a candle alongside A's for all your precious little ones, and you will all be in my thoughts.

Love and hugs xxx

[Mitchell81]

Not sure if I can come on this thread as my situation is slightly different. We lost our 12 year old daughter on the 4th January 2013, she died suddenly from a combination of a chest infection, having a seizure and was being sick. She stopped breathing after aspirating. (She breathed in sick during her seizure) there was nothing we could do and after 45 minutes of resuscitation by us and paramedics she passed away. It came as a complete shock as she was so well over Christmas and even the same day. She was severely disabled but was happy and fairly heathy despite her disabilities. We have had a year from hell dealing with her passing away. But decided last month to try for a baby and I fell pregnant. I am 4/5 weeks pregnant and found out on Wednesday. I am happy as this is something to look forward to. We also have 3 boys 7,5 and 2 years old who have kept us going and if it wasn't for them Christmas this year would be an event that wasn't going to be celebrated.

I'm sorry to everyone who is in this group through tragedy and the loss of a precious child.

[BlueSkyandRain]

Hello mitchell and I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter and the year you've had. Congratulations on your pregnancy - how are you feeling?

missalex I just came on to say I am thinking of you and Alexandra Mia today. As ever, there is nothing I can think of to say but (((hugs))). Please know that I think of you lots.

owl I'm glad everything is going ok with the little owl & they're looking after you xx

beetle I'm sorry you find yourself here. How did your appointment go?

littletulip how are you doing? Have you gone back to work now? When I went back a colleague was pregnant, I actually found her one of the easiest people to be around as she had more understanding of my loss than many other people. I guess it's very dependent on the individual, and she was a friend outside work. I hope you're doing ok.

sleeping, ruby, space, and everyone ( little, jules, are you still out there?), anyone lurking I hope you all find some peace and comfort this Christmas.

Ps forgot to say, I have left work now and just heard I've got something else which is something I've wanted to do for a long time. I have some comfort in knowing I wouldn't have made this move if E hadn't died - obviously it's a small comfort, but it all helps. I am now wobbling about ttc as the two don't fit very well, yet I still have the longing that I know only people like us understand. But I think I will ignore all that over Christmas and have extra mulled wine on owl's behalf!

[OwlinaTree]

Hi all, wanted to let missa know we are thinking of you and your DH today. I will light my candle tonight for your little A.

Hope you have a peaceful day.

[Rubyshoe]

Hi all Just wanted to say am thinking of all angel mums and Dads today but especially MissA. We have lit 3 candles in the window of H's nursery, it will be 5 months on Friday since we said goodbye to her. I think there must be a lot of candles around the world tonight for lost children.

Welcome Mitchell81 I am so sorry to hear about your daughter and sorry for your loss. Congratulations of your pregnancy. I hope you find some peace and happiness in your news.

Wishing us all a peaceful christmas x

[LittleTulip]

Thank you all for the wishes.

Still not back at work but I'm getting more and more mentally prepared for it.

Wishing you all a gentle Christmas and a hopeful new year. I have mixed feelings about saying goodbye to 2013, it was the saddest but also the happiest year of my life.

[missalexandra]

Bluesky, Owl and Ruby thank you for thinking of us on Xmas eve, it meant a lot x

Wishing you all a 2014 full of hope, happiness, BFPs and safe arrivals for our ladies-with-bumps.

Love to you all xx

[OwlinaTree]

Roll on 2014, as missa says, let's hope it brings bfp and happiness to us all.

[Rubyshoe]

Wishing us all a happy, healthy and hopeful New Year. With beautiful rainbows all round x

[OwlinaTree]

Hi guys hope all is well with you all. No real news here, just wanted to say hi.

[Sleepingstarsmommy]

Hello ladies. Hope you all keeping ok. Im now on cycle 2 of trying for my rainbow. Can't tell you how upset I was to get my bfn over Xmas. Every other time we've conceived first cycle and whilst the rational part of me thinks I shouldn't worry another part of me is worrying the infection has somehow damaged me and I'll not be able to conceive. Ridiculous I know but am finding myself getting quite anxious about things. Just needed to vent that really and sorry for not being more positive.

[OwlinaTree]

Hi sleeping, sorry it was a bfn this time. Give your body a chance, and try not to worry, that's the worst you can do. I'm sure it is very unlikely the infection has caused any lasting damage.

I remember being so disappointed every month getting bfn, but when it did happen it all seemed right, so maybe it was the right time for me, who knows? Hope it will be the right time for you this cycle, fx.

[Mitchell81]

Today is one year since our precious daughter passed away.