Angels and Rainbows-remembering our angels and hoping for rainbows

[Star0909]

New thread ladies. Come in here for support.

[Bluetinkerbell]

hello ladies... I'm an oldie really sad to see so many new ladies on here.
I lost my DD2 in June 2011, had my rainbow DD3 in November 2012 and currently expecting another rainbow for end of April 2015 :)

[OwlinaTree]

Congratulations blue.

[OwlinaTree]

missa thanks, we are OK, having lots of cuddles with the boy and spending the weekend as a family.

ATM glad the scan went well. Call your midwife if you are getting worried, better to put your mind at rest.

[AllTerrainMammy]

Definitely going to call on Monday, pretty sure they'll let me go get checked over, they're so lovely.

Just in case I don't get time to post tomorrow Owl, just wanted to wish you peace and let you know I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.

[OwlinaTree]

Thanks ATM

[LakeOfDreams]

I lost my first baby nearly two weeks ago at 41+2 it was all very sudden as it seemed the labour was progressing well, I felt her kicking in the car on the way to the hospital then the midwife got the Doppler out and there was just a whole lot of silence.
We aren't anywhere near TTC yet but it's lovely to read positive stories reminds me that there will be a light at the end of all this. It's our DDs funeral on Tuesday I'm supposed to pick a poem for the chaplain to read but I can't make it through one let alone the dozen that she sent.

[BlueSkyandRain]

Thinking of you today owl and wishing you all peace x

lake I'm so sorry to hear about your dd. It's just so difficult to get your head round it when it all goes wrong so quickly isn't it. And planning the funeral of your child is so hard, not something you ever expect to have to do. Please do tell us more about your daughter if you'd like to. My youngest son was stillborn in April 2013 after a straightforward pregnancy suddenly ended one night at 36weeks when I haemorrhaged as the placenta came away. That moment of them finding no heartbeat still very much haunts me. I am now nearly 34 weeks pg with my rainbow and finding this thread helpful as ever in keeping things together and knowing there are other people who understand. I hope you find it helpful too.

atm good to hear from you, hope you're feeling better today - does sound gastric to me too, and I had a few occasions of feeling similar - but always got checked. My notes are huge from all the times I've been checked now!

Congratulations bluetinkerbell hope you're feeling ok.

[BlueSkyandRain]

Sorry for multiple postings, I can't remember what I wanted to say for more than a few mins...
missalex you know, it's odd - whenever I sit in the position you described, I can't feel any movement at all! I seem to get most when lying down (good excuse )

earth sorry to hear how hard you're finding the run up to your anniversary this year. I think grief is just so odd and unpredictable. One of the biggest crashes I've had has been on my dd's 10th birthday, which totally took me by surprise - I think with it being such a landmark one, it hit me all over again that we will miss everything that we should've had with E, not just the baby bits but all the other milestones. It's just so unbelievably shit.

kayleigh hope your throats on the mend now

Sorry not to name check more, my nausea seems to have come back a bit these days and I feel yuck til lunchtime atm. Waves to all tho x

[kayleighferrie1985]

Congratulations bluetinkerbell

owl thinking of you today

ATM hoping you're feeling better today

lake so very sorry about your DD. I lost my second son Ben in April this year after a placental rupture, and like you i had no idea about poems for the funeral. The vicar who did the service was lovely though and in the end we agreed on the Lord's Prayer and then the usual funeral service (i was keen to not have it drag on and prolong the agony). I hope you find this thread as supportive as i have

bluesky my throats a bit better, thank you for asking, the antibiotics are working now thankfully, i just need to get the barking cough gone now.

Waves to all xx

[Rubyshoe]

Owl will be thinking of you and your DH today. Hope you have a peaceful day x

Bluetinkerbell Hello and congrats on your lovely BFP x

ATM good to hear from you. 15 weeks! Wow where has that time gone? The anxiety is awful and I don't think it ever goes, but for what it's worth I am with the other ladies it does sound more gastric. Definitely get checked tomorrow for you own peace of mind though. Glad your midwifery team is being supportive, it definitely makes such a difference x

Lake welcome to the thread and I am so sorry you find yourself here. 2 weeks really is nothing and I remember really dreading the funeral, as Blue said it's just so unnatural, I remember thinking that I just didn't want to do it. Every time we had to do something like that, getting out the car at the Crem we just said "For H, we have to be brave for her". Thats seemed to help us somehow. If and when you feel up to it we would love to hear more about your beautiful girl. My own DD 'H' was stillborn in July 2013 after a healthy pregnancy. We really had no warning until she just stopped moving. I hope the days or at least some of them are being gentle on you and you have good support in RL. We found the most comforting words came from the most unexpected places and people we would expect to be our 'rocks' just weren't able. The ladies on this thread all get it though, so feel free to come on and vent or just tell us how you are feeling. You are never alone x

Blue Definitely with you on more movement when I lie down! . Whats with the morning sickness coming back? Just to remind us we are pregnant...?

AFM we are gong to be brave and build the crib today, 6 days to go......hoping it will go quickly x

Waves to all and sorry for not name checking everyone x

[missalexandra]

Lake welcome to our thread, and I'm so very sorry you lost your little girl. You can come and talk about her any time you feel you want/need to, we would love to hear about her. Such an antinatural thing to have to do, plan your baby's funeral. Wishing you strength to get through the next few days, and Im glad reading about the rainbows on here gives you a bit of light at the end of the tunnel - it is there even though now it's hard for you to imagine. We lost our DD at 35 weeks in 2012, we are now nervously awaiting the arrival of our rainbow, I am 28 weeks today. Hugs

owl and gentle hugs for you and the Owl family today

Bluetinkerbell its lovely to hear from you and fantastic news that you are expecting your second rainbow!

ATM you feeling any better today?

Earth thinking of you too

Blue I think it must depend on the position theyre in? Junior seems to spend most of his time head-down, when I sit down for a wee I feel a tremendous pressure down there, almost painful, does that happen to you? I asked the obstet and she said it was normal, but I dont 100% trust what she says any more! She also told me it wasnt necessary for me to do kickcounts as it would only stress me more than I already am . Same thing is happening to me with the nausea, the last few days I was sick again and can feel it coming on again now. Not sure what all thats about? Gosh 34 weeks, have you got a definite plan in place?

Waves to everyone else hope your Sunday is peaceful x

[missalexandra]

Woops was typying while you both posted. kayleigh glad your throats a bit better, when I had a bad cough I used a homeopathic cough medicine, I think it was made from rosemary it worked really well.

Ruby good luck with the cot, wishing the next 6 days pass in a flash for you! Did we sort the chip wrapper situation?

[OwlinaTree]

I'm so sorry lake. I will be thinking of you on Tuesday. Please do tell us more about your daughter if you would like to. My first child died 2 years ago today after a complicated birth. She was 3 days old. My rainbow is now 6 months old.

It is so hard to deal with the pain when it is all so new. Try to take it a day at a time and allow yourself to grieve. All the ladies on this thread are so strong and know what you are going through, you can say what you want on here, if it helps.

[OwlinaTree]

Should have refreshed before posting!

Sorry you are feeling sick again blue and missa, those pesky hormones. Glad your throat is better kayleigh

Good luck with the crib ruby, my dh is putting ours away today as our son is in his own room in the cot bed now, it's gone so quickly.

Congrats again bluetinkerbell, rainbow number two on the way. I think I remember you from my early days on here, so glad it's all going well for you.

Thanks to everyone for your kind messages this morning. It is a glorious day here, so we are off to visit our daughter, then we are having a family day out, so hopefully we will have some happy times.

[OwlinaTree]

earth thinking of you too.

[EarthWindAnd9]

Owl, thinking of you and your beautiful daughter today.

Lake, I echo the other ladies and welcome you to our thread. You've done tremendously well in even posting here. Any feelings, however unpleasant, awkward, strange etc, you can post them here. We won't judge and chances are one of us has felt similar. I would love to hear more about your daughter if you feel able to share.
My first son was stillborn on 9th Sept 2012. No warning at all, he just stopped moving. I miss him more than words can say. I am lucky enough to have my rainbow baby who is 6mths old.

Ruby-6 days. I hope they pass easily and quickly.

Sorry for those who are feeling poorly

Beautifully sunny day here, I hope the sunshine brings peace.

[LakeOfDreams]

I hope you managed to have a beautiful day remembering your angel owl
Not sure what to say about our angel. I had consultant led care as I have a little hole in my heart which they found when I was having palpitations. My contractions started about 3am but I'd been having cramps on and off since midnight so was getting excited pretty sure I could feel her moving but now I have doubts and perhaps should have noticed something. It seems unbelievable that I didn't notice when I felt so connected to her.
Obviously once I found out my contractions slowed down so they started me on morphine to help me relax. I called my mum when I found out which I really regret now as I never wanted her at the birth as she's a bit of a drama queen, once she knew she wanted to stay in the hospital with me while I gave birth and she seems to have really struggled with the whole thing. My dad told me she thought she was going to lose me too which was never a concern for the rest of us!

Our beautiful angel was eventually born at 14:55 with gas and air and a bit of morphine. She was little considering she was 9 days overdue at 6lb9oz but absolutely perfect. She looked the spitting image of my African DH although had my chubby cheeks and long hands and feet! Her feet were so long her legs didn't fit in her newborn baby grow!!
We got to spend as much time as we wanted with her although not sure anytime would have been enough, she had started to not look her best by 8 so we made the decision not to keep her in the room overnight but to say goodnight to her.
This has taught me so many things, I never knew I'd have to actually give birth to a stillborn. Not sure what I thought was going to happen but it wasn't that! I also thought that after a bereavement people would be here all the time, but actually it's been incredibly lonely. People send us cards with their numbers included but generally most people seem to just completely avoid us. The only person who has been over in two weeks was the community midwife.
My DH had to go back to work after a week, it just seems even more cruel to have maternity leave and no baby. A huge part of me thinks I should just go back to work after the PM results. The hospital where I delivered put me in touch with a specialist stillborn counsellor so I have my first counselling session on Monday.
I feel stupid as people keep telling me to grieve but I don't know what to do. I can't spend all day every day crying but don't know what else to do with myself.

[CritterPants]

owl thinking of you today and sending lots of love. I wish you strength in remembering your owlet and I wish you weren't having to go through this.

earth Little F's birthday coming up on Tuesday must be very very hard. I am thinking of you and of him and of your DH.

lake my eyes filled with tears reading your story. Your daughter sounds utterly beautiful. I can't believe nobody has come to see you. I wish you weren't having to plan her funeral. My colleagues planted a tree for my son who died on the evening of the day he was born in January after his cord ruptured just before his due date, and my FIL read this poem by Ben Jonson which he wrote in the 17th century after his little child died:

It is not growing like a tree
In bulk, doth make man better be;
Or standing long an oak, three hundred year,
To fall a log at last, dry, bald, and sere:
A lily of a day
Is fairer far in May,
Although it fall and die that night;
It was the plant and flower of light.
In small proportions we just beauties see;
And in short measures, life may perfect be.

I don't know if you're religious but I also really love Psalm 139 and the minister read that at our baby's service. The fact that people have been struggling with this terrible kind of pain for thousands of years made me feel less alone.

ruby you are on the home stretch sweetheart and I'm sending you love and luck.

mademoiselle hope your first week back at work was bearable. I think of you and G often.

ATM glad to hear your pregnancy is going well and sorry for the fears, I think they are probably inevitable.

Love to kayleigh, missalex, littletulip, bluesky, lady, betty and everyone else that I have missed.

[Ducky23]

A sad but warm welcome to you lake x so sorry about your daughter

Owl thinking of you x

Sorry haven't caught up properly, am going to re read through everyone's posts now, things seem to move quick here recently!

X

[missalexandra]

Lake its so sad to hear your precious little girl's story, she sounds beautiful. I think we all at some point have felt that we should have "noticed" something, but the harsh truth is that you never, ever expect anything like this to happen and you just put yourself in the professionals hands and expect them to control everything. I'm sure there was nothing you could have done to make any difference. Its lovely that you got to spend some time with her and were able to say goodbye in an unhurried way. We were only "allowed" about 10 mins with our DD and then she was whisked away and we werent permitted to see her again, its something that I will always regret not 'fighting' against but I was simply not strong enough to do at the time.

I'm afraid I'm not surprised by what you say about people seeming to avoid you - I had the same thing and although I had some texts or messages with "Let me know what you need" you simply are not in a position in those early days to ask for help so its very difficult. Do you have any close friends you could ask to come round and who you know will support you if you need to talk about your little girl? I think a lot of us have found that family do not always respond in the way we had hoped, and sometimes support comes from the least expected places. I dont think there are any hard and fast rules about how to grieve for your baby, in my case I simply DID spend most of my days crying and sort of hibernated for various months. Whatever gives you the slightest glimmer of relief from the sadness - just do it whether its going out and doing stuff or just staying in and giving free rein to your tears. Whatever you do dont feel stupid for not knowing how to face this, and dont feel like you have to do what people 'expect' either. Nobody (apart from the ladies on here) knows what youre going through and cannot even begin to imagine it, however much they tell you they can. I hope your counselling session helps, and I will be thinking of you on Tuesday x

[EarthWindAnd9]

Lake, Thank you for sharing those precious details about your little girl, I love to hear all the quirks of our babies. F had spectacularly large eyebrows!
I had counselling and found it very helpful, soon hope you do to.
I dreaded the funeral, I was in bits and didn't think I could do it. How could I possibly bury my baby? But, my counsellor said to me "the worst thing that could possibly happen has already happened and you are still here, you will get through the funeral".
I echo MissA, just do whatever you need to do to get through these dark days, if that is hiding under the duvet and sobbing, or going sky diving, it's all absolutely fine.

Owl, you totally hit the nail on the head with your previous comment. Last year on F's birthday I could only imagine what I was missing and this year I know. I'll never have all the glorious moments I've had with my rainbow with F and never see him smile or hear him giggle.

[BettyFriedansLoveChild]

Hi everyone, I've been away for a bit and am just catching up with everyone's news.

Lake, I am sorry to hear about your little girl. It's cruel to have everything go wrong when you are so close to meeting your child. I lost my daughter in may after a hidden placental abruption at 35 weeks. I really beat myself up about not having noticed that anything was wrong, but as MissA says upthread, it's virtually impossible to notice the early signs of trouble except in retrospect. I hope that you are being kind to yourself. We also found that people generally avoided us (or sent crappy one-line emails / texts of condolence), although there were a couple of really good friends that made the effort to visit early on. Re. maternity leave and returning to work, don't commit yourself to anything just yet - you have been through a huge ordeal physically and emotionally and will need time to recover. I started working again quite early to take my mind off things and that was right for me (I work from home thought, so easier than going back to an office); basically there is no right way to mourn and you need to do what is right for you. x

Ruby - six days! - I am getting excited on your behalf. Obviously that feeling is not completely altruistic - I think that a part of all of us wants to hear about the safe arrival of your rainbow to know that it is possible for us too. I hope that the next six days pass quickly for you.

MissA - 28 weeks - sorry to hear that you are feeling rough again, but I suppose that the sickness might be reassuring in a way?

BlueSky - 35 weeks (sorry, this is turning into a bit of a summary of where everyone is at) - also following your story and waiting to hear about the safe arrival of your rainbow. How are you feeling? Are you still aiming for a full term natural delivery?

Critter - thank you for thinking of me. I have been thinking of you as well. I hope that your transfer goes well later this month. That Ben Jonson poem is beautiful, I hadn't come across it before. Like you, I often feel an odd sense of continuity with people back in time, for whom losing a baby must have been a much more common experience than it is today. I wonder if that made it any easier? - perhaps in the sense that there was a community of people that would have been through the same thing (a bit like here on this thread, but in real life). On the other hand, I think that poems such as that reveal that it has always been a terrible experience, even back when it was fairly common. I also take comfort from knowing that at least I am alive - only a century ago I probably would have died in childbirth. Does that sound an odd thing to think about?

Spaniel - sorry just reading back along the thread and have come to your story. I am so sorry to hear about Alex. I'm 37, and also have a two year old, so share your anxiety about age (and about the age gap between siblings). How is your two year old dealing with the loss? I have only just started ttc, but am finding it significantly more stressful than before my loss, when I was quite laissez faire about things.

Ducky - is it 23 weeks now? Sorry, I am losing track of everyone…

ATM - are you twelve weeks now? It must feel tricky to be past the conventional 'danger' point, but to still feel worried and uncertain.

Mademoiselle - I hope that you are feeling OK about being back at work and are having a relatively easy week.

Kayleigh - hi, we haven't spoken much, but it looks like we are ttc at about the same time. Sorry that your mum is causing you extra stress.

LittleTulip, sorry to hear about your difficulties ttc. It seems very unfair.

AFM, my period finally arrived shortly after I last posted, and we have been busy ttc since. Not charting or anything, so will wait till the end of the month to see how things have gone. DD1 (2.5) has been asking about her little sister a lot - she has been wanting to role play giving birth to a dead baby, so we have been trying to reassure her that her sister was special, and that most babies don't die, and playing at having live babies. All very dark stuff for a two year old to be dealing with, but I don't think that she really realises the sadness of it all. Holiday, although lovely over all, was also a bit sad - really felt the absence of DD2, and it really struck me that even if we do have another baby, that absence will always be there. The sadness really catches DP and I when we have a chance to get away from the churn of everyday life.

Sorry if I have forgotten anyone xxx

[LittleTulip]

Please forgive me if I forget anybody, I'm not very good at naming!

Blue I have just been referred so really don't know how long it will take - I'm guessing it's going to be 6 months at least! I hope your pregnancy is progressing well. Me and DH discussed self-funding however have decided to have our free NHS treatments first, and then self-fund if they don't work.

Rubyshoe not long for you now, you really are on the home run. It took us 18 months to conceive my angel and yes it is quite possible to conceive naturally again but it just doesn't seem to be happening, I am hoping of it happening as I'm petrified ivf will not work. MissA what is PGD?

Critter I would love to take your hand. I am so sorry for your loss - I used to read the old 10months ttc thread but never posted and I remember reading about you. I hope your embryo transfer goes well this month. I love the poem your FIL read out and you are so right - people have been struggling with this pain for years and years. It is a pain that takes over your heart your soul and is crushing.

Lake I'm sorry to find you here your post has really touched me. I'm so glad you got to spend precious time with your little one. My son was stillborn last year at 25+6 and even now I cherish every little moment we had together from cuddling him, to washing and changing him. To me grieving was just doing what I wanted to do, the first 4 months after A was born are still a bit of a blue, I cried, stayed in my pyjamas. One thing that really helped was making a scrapbook of memories.

I am wittering on now but Earth your comment about the spectacularly large eyebrows has made me . 'A' had humoungous feet and his second toe was much larger than his first just like his dads.

Waves to everybody else

[kayleighferrie1985]

Betty hi, yes me and DH are TTC, we got the all clear back in June. I've had a couple of months where i've wondered if it's happened but no BFP yet. I can relate to what you said about the absence always being there (as i'm sure all the ladies here can relate), just today we had gone out with friends for lunch and i just kept thinking how there should have been a high chair at the table.

waves to all xx

[missalexandra]

Lake hope things go as well tomorrow as they possibly can x

Earth will be thinking of you, F and your DH tomorrow x

Critter that poem is so lovely, and like you say what we are going through is nothing "new", and I would imagine it was much more common many years ago. You must not be far away from transfer now?

ATM did you go get checked out? Are you feeling better?

Betty oh my goodness how terribly sad your little girl is role-playing having a stillborn Like you say, hopefully she is too young to realise the real tragedy of what has happened and you can explain gently to her when she is older. Best of luck with TTC

Tulip PGD is Preminplantational Genetic Diagnosis, they test your embryos to make sure they dont have any serious genetic problems that would most likely lead to miscarriage if they implanted. That way they can choose the healthy ones to transfer. Its very expensive but worth it in the long run (not sure they'd do it on the NHS). Genetic problems dont always come up in 'normal' tests which can lead to incorrect diagnosis of 'unexplained infertility'. Hope it doesnt take too long for them to approve your IVF treatment. Had a smile about your A's humongous feet!

Owl did you manage to get through Sunday ok?

Ruby five days to touchdown as if you needed reminding.

Spaniel hope you are ok

Kayleigh how is Brian doing?

AFM had some friends staying over the weekend, havent seen them for years. The whole weekend went by without one mention of A. Even when we were showing them the house as they hadnt seen it yet, and she went into the nursery (I thought she would just pop her head round the door but no, she went right in) there was no mention of A. Just "what a lovely colour". Just one more disappointing instance of friends not knowing how to react I suppose.

Waves to Blue Ducky Mademoiselle Lady and anyone lurking x