Angels and Rainbows-remembering our angels and hoping for rainbows

[Star0909]

New thread ladies. Come in here for support.

[OwlinaTree]

Terrible night's sleep, kept waking up worrying about the baby. In the rational daylight, I seem to be able to keep my worry in perspective, but in the middle of the night it's different.

Good luck for your consultant's meeting tulip I know it's this week some time.

[missalexandra]

Just wanted to say welcome to Drowning, Ruby, Tulip, Spacefrog and anyone else new I might have missed. I'm so sorry you all find yourselves here. We lost our little girl at 35 weeks on Christmas Eve last year.

Owl it must be so hard not to worry constantly. Sorry, dont know what to advise you so just a big virtual hug x

AFM still not back 'on my feet' after our latest double disappointment. Trying to come to terms with how the future is looking but not managing very well

Waves to everyone, apologies for not namechecking xx

[Rubyshoe]

Hi all

Owl I'm sorry you have been struggling. The middle of the night always seems the worst when you have things going round in your head. I dont know what to say other than we are all thinking of you and you have been through so much I know you have the strength to get through this. People always say that women are the stronger sex and I think this is true but it has nothing to do with the act of giving birth, its everything else that goes with it I think.

Tulip Hope your appouintment goes OK this week and you get to ask all the questions you need to. DH and I have ours tomorrow so no sleep for us tonight I think! I completely understand where you are coming from with friends moving on. I guess this is something we have to accept but similarly its OK that our progress is slower. I have actually said to my best friend and brother that I feel that everyone is moving on more quickly than we are and that we are not there yet. I guess it was my way of actually verbalising that we still need understanding beacuase this isn't something that we are just going to 'get over'.

Milestone this weekend as we went to the wedding of a friend and saw a lot of 'friends' that we havent seen since we lost 'H'. I was feeling OK about it untill I was told that they were actually nervous about seeing us as they didnt knw what to say. I guess we get to the point where we get more skilled almost at comforting other people and nursng them through meetngs like that!. Ho hum

Miss A Hope you are OK. I have been following your posts since we lost H and I started reading this thread and have been rooting for you. You are in my thoughts and I hope days are gentle on you.

[OwlinaTree]

Thanks Ruby and missa.

I hope your consultant meeting goes well tomorrow ruby. You were brave going to the wedding, well done. I actually found these the hardest as you see people you hardly ever see, some were really just ignorant in the way they acted towards me and DH to be honest. There are definatly a few 'friends' I have no desire to see again I'll be honest. Luckily I've realised I also have
some amazing friends, who have been really supportive.

missa glad you came back. Sending hugs back.

[LittleTulip]

Good evening ladies.

Hope you are all well and apologies if I don't reply to you all individually.

Owl sorry you've been having a few crappy nights sleep. I can imagine the anxiety levels! Are you having some sort of counselling? I'm really not sure how I will cope with a future pregnancy (if it happens ). Do you work at all? Does work help with taking your mind of things or does it make it worse?

Well I had my consultants meeting yesterday and it was confirmed what we knew all along. They didn't find anything wrong, all bloods, swabs etc came back normal. I am kind of relieved, the consultant did say that even if we'd have had a PM it would probably not have given us any new information. The consultant has given us the official go ahead to ttc, he said apparently it is sometimes easier to get pregnant the second time once you have been pregnant and given birth - thought of you Owl, in fact a lot of women claim this. Here's hoping! He's actually said that if nothing happens by Feb then to get referred to him - so no pressure!

Ruby and Drowning hope your meetings went well. After the initial elation yesterday I feel a bit defeated today. Like what am I supposed to do now? Felt like we waited a lifetime for the consultants meeting and now that has happened what do we do next? My head is telling me that I need to get back to work, to start doing more normal things. I'm not sure I will until A's due date has passed. I suppose the time between good and bad days is increasing gently.


Hope everybody is is doing ok and thinking of you all.

[OwlinaTree]

Hi tulip glad it went well today. Although knowing things were normal is a kind of relief, it does make you feel a bit frustrated too, as you think your child should be here. But it is good news that there were no genetic problems and you can TTC again. Feb is no time at all!

I do work, and it does help to keep busy. I'm lucky in that I love my job, and enjoy it. What I do havea tenancy to do is get a bit obsessive about a really small thing and worry over it as a bit of a distraction to worrying over the baby/TTC/test result etc. This is OK in that I know I do it occasionally, but I think is that that is affecting my sleep. I did find going back to work helpedme but I worked my way back gently, just visiting for a while to get used to being with everybody, then just'helping' for a while before I actually started back. That was easier for me but everyone is different.

I'm feeling much calmer today, so hoping to sleep a bit better!

[Rubyshoe]

Hi all
Glad your meeting went well Tulip. As Owl said, not having a cause must be comforting and heart breaking in the same breath but I am glad you have been given the all clear to try again.

We also had our appointment on Wednesday and we're told that they had found a cause of 'H' death. She had a bacterial infection in her blood which probably came from me. The bacteria involved is a regular one that we all carry but in this case by a freak of nature they think it got into my womb and from here into her blood stream and just overwhelmed her immune system.

To be honest the day we were told we felt quite peaceful, that at least we had a cause. That it was nothing we did or could have done and that we have also been given the all clear to try again. Since then it has obviously hit me and to quote DH "while it will help us to move forward in the long run, for now it has taken us at least 2 steps back". The whole thing is so b**y unfair (I know I'm preaching to the converted here!)

I'm trying to think positively about the future and have decided to channel Owl from a few months ago, when she said she wasn't going to let the world or god or whoever get the better of her and her DH (maybe this should be our rallying cry!)

Hope you are all doing OK out there and if there are any new lurkers, that you get some comfort and are also doing OK x

[OwlinaTree]

Oh Ruby, totally agree with your feelings on finding a cause. It is so great that you can try again but so upsetting that these things can just happen and are so beyond your control. I hope you and your DH begin to find some peace soon. I blamed myself for a long time when my daughter died, I felt I should have known she was in distress. But the consultant said all of these trained people didn't know and couldn't have predicted it, which made me think how could I have known with my total lack of knowledge about birth?

I'm glad you are starting to be more positive about the future. Me and DH were very much 'fake it till you make it' and tried to get on with things. It's only been times like my recent birthday when we really realised what a bad place we were in the previous birthday (prob about 6 weeks after she died).

It does get easier, I promise.

[Spacefrog35]

ruby & tulip I'm glad to hear you feel positive(ish) after your consultants appointments. I'm hoping we may get a date for ours soon so hearing your experiences makes me less nervous.

It was our little boy's funeral yesterday. It was absolutely beautiful. Everything we had asked for happened plus the weather stayed fine & we even had a butterfly put in an appearance, flying round the chapel during the service. People thought we had planted it but we didn't. I like to think it was a message from my little bear

Hope everyone else is doing ok

xxx

[OwlinaTree]

I'm so glad the funeral went well frog and how you wanted it to. How lovely that a butterfly was there.

[BlueSkyandRain]

Hello all & a sad welcome to rubyshoe, drowning, littletulip, and spacefrog. (I hope I've not missed anyone). I'm so sorry you all find yourselves here, but I hope you find these threads helpful as I have. Your posts about meeting with the consultant reminded me how I crashed emotionally both after the funeral, and the pm meeting - I think you focus on these things as something to get through, which you do, and then it's afterwards when that's gone that it all hits you afresh. Facing the future which doesn't have your child in it, when it should. I've done it again recently, with going back to work - it was ok, but a couple of weeks later it hit me all over again. 'One day at a time...'. One day this week, I actually went back to 'one hour at a time', which was the first time in a while.

But more positively, what lovely news star and jules! So pleased :) I hope you're both managing the nerves/worry ok - also owl saying about coping with it ok during the day but night time being hard, I can totally understand that. It's back to the same 'one day at a time' thing, isn't it?!

missa good to hear from you, I've been thinking of you a lot xx

Afm, well I've had my birthday (I was ill, v hard because I was ill last yr because of being pg; this time it was a bug, but I felt so down about it and all the reminders of how hard that pg was - i was ill over xmas too - and then he died anyway.).
I went back to work - most people have been lovely; one (new since I went off) person didn't know E had died and asked me if I'd had a boy or girl. It's hard saying, " a boy, but he died" but what else can I say? I didn't appreciate him going on to talk about abortions though, even though I understand people don't know what to say... Even not saying anything is better!!
And then there was the person who actually knew, but had forgotten that E died. I can't remember ever actually finding something properly offensive before, but to me, that really is. Used to be someone I liked, but I find it rather hard to forgive that.

Anyway, since then, I've handed my notice in (not related!). Lots of reasons, but tbh part of it is that I just can't deal with going back to the same thing when my world has changed so much inwardly, I need the outward stuff to match. I feel sad about it, I love the profession I work in and most of the people I work with are great. But I need a change, and a commute of less than an hour and a half.
Reading back my essay, it sounds like I've been really struggling, but tbh there's been good and bad days like always. I've got some lovely friends around, who are still being there for me and not expecting me to be miraculously ok 7 months on. And I'm so thankful for them, and the good things in my life - more than ever before iyswim.

Hello to anyone I've missed & all lurking. Wishing everyone gentle days x

[Rubyshoe]

Hi all Thanks for your words Owl and Blue. I hope you are finding a little easier to relax Owl and are able to enjoy your pregnancy as much as possible.

it was good to hear from you Blue, however worldly we are it is always slightly shocking about how crass people can be isn't it? I have been lucky and have had very few experiences where people have not been sensitive. In saying that I remember just after we lost H I emailed my NCT group to let them know. 3 didn't respond which I completely respect and the other 3 sent the most lovely emails back. The shocker was the NCT group leader who e mailed back and started with "Congratulations on the birth of your daughter.... Before going on to say she was sorry for our loss" I was desperate to e mail back and ask on what planet she thought it was appropriate to start an email to bereaved parents with the word 'Congratulations".

I know where you are coming from with the difficulty in going back to your old job when you really don't feel like the same person and hope your job change all goes well, not doing an hour and a half commute will probably be worth the move on its own!

Tulip, Drowning and Space hope you are doing Ok and getting through the days as blue says there are good and bad days but it's difficult to predict when a bad point will come I think or that's what I am finding.

Space I am glad the funeral for your little bear went well and hope it helped you find some peace. I was talking to a colleague at work the other day who told me that she had lost her first baby at 26 weeks, a little girl, and was told it was due to an incompetent cervix. She has gone on to have 3 beautiful healthy children, she has a stitch in her cervix for all three and I think was induced early with the first 2, with the third they let her go to full term and I think he was a bruiser! Hope you get some clarification form your meeting with your consultant. I know in ours managing future pregnancies was a big component of the meeting.

Waves to Star, Jules, missA, MissC and anyone I have missed or any new angel mums lurking and looking for comfort.

[BlueSkyandRain]

It's been quiet on here recently, hope it's that everyone's busy..

I saw a rainbow on the way to work the other day, it was massive and lasted most of the journey. Made me cry (again), but kind of in a good way. How is everyone?

[OwlinaTree]

Hi blue is has been quiet on here, been meaning to post all week. Big step to hand in your notice, well done for having the courage to do it. I hope something else comes along that suits you soon, and is less than an hour and a half commute!! I'm sorry you have been poorly on your birthday too, hope you are feeling better soon. I did find it very hard to go back to work, it took a while to feel like i was totally up to speed doing my job, so do go easy on yourself to start with. How insensitive of that person who forgot, i can't imagine forgetting information like that, but i guess some are so caught up in their own lives. I hope they felt really embarrassed when they realised.

ruby Can't believe your NCT leader with the congratulations. I know we want our babies acknowledged but that's just insensitive. Hope you are having more good times. It's always nice to hear positive stories when people have managed to have a family after a loss. It seems impossible at times that there could ever be a happy ending, but stories like your colleagues' always give me that hope that it can be a happy ending for all of us too. I do hope so.

Hope everyone else has been well. We are fine here, just plodding along.

We went to a little gallery today to look round and saw a lovely butterfly print that would suit our decor so we have decided to splash out and buy it. It will look lovely in the house and it will be a little reminder of our little butterfly every day. it's a bit like this. So a bit of an early Christmas present for us.

[Rubyshoe]

Hi all, like Blue & Owl I hope the fact it has been quiet on here is because everyone is having gentle days.

Dh and I are doing ok I think, starting to recover from the crash of the Pm result which we knew would set us back. We were also interviewed last week for a study they are doing into care during and after stillbirth. To be honest I think we both could have done without going through the whole thing again but we just figured if it helps give insight and contributes to other families getting good care in the future, then maybe it is one way in which 'H' death may not have been in vain, so we did it.

We are starting to head now into the territory of 'this time last year' ...... We found out we were pregnant, we were so happy etc.... I think after we lost H I convinced myself that we would get pregnant again really quickly (cos it works like that doesn't it ha ha ha..) but am finding it difficult that it's not just magically happened. I think I have relaxed about it a little bit but it's still hard. Dh came out with a moment of Yoda wisdom when he said this week that he suspects that we won't get pregnant again until we have learned to live with losing H better..... I suspect that great insight he has!

I have started going into work more and am actually enjoying being there as it distracts me and I have done the job long enough that I seem to automatically revert to my 'at work' default setting and that's quite comforting, although sad, as in my heart I don't want to move on without H, but it has to be done.

I'm sorry the rainbow made you cry blue. I guess though we realise that we will always cry..... Over different things but the grief will never go and I doubt any of us want it to completely. I think after losing H I feel generally a lot more humble in the general scheme of things and it just seems to re-set the way we see the world and certainly the way we calibrate what constitutes a disaster or even what is important. I hope you are feeling positive about handing your notice in. So many things have happened to us that we have no control over haven't they?

Glad that you are plodding Owl I suspect that for most angel mums particularly those awaiting their rainbow 'plodding' is no bad thing! I love the picture you have bought to remind you of your butterfly it's such a personal thing that will always make you and Dh think of her and will be there in you lives every day.

Hope everyone else is doing ok?

[Tadpole2013]

You've all left me in tears. Many, many hugs.
And Jules I cried for you because I think that is how I will feel should I fall pregnant again.
We lost our babe in June.

Next week my office neighbour (who was a week ahead of me), is going on Maternity leave. I'm hosting a little baby shower for her.
I can't find it in me not to be happy for her because she is such a lovely person.

It must like recovery after an addiction; getting over an mc.

Today I will think of my baby and continue to live. For today, I am ok.

Good luck to you all of us.
xxx

[Rubyshoe]

Hi all and a sad welcome to Tadpole2013 I'm so sorry for your loss Tadpole, it must be so difficult especially coming upto anniversaries and special dates or milestones. We had quite a few babies we knew due around the same time as our little girl H and there are plenty of days when I rage that everyone seemed to get to keep their babies except us but then that's not true as this thread shows and so we go on.

It's sounds like you are being incredibly brave, particularly throwing a baby shower for your colleague. I'm guessing however philosophical we try to be, we are still human and things will effect us. Do you have anyone at work you can talk to if you find it gets just too much?

How is everybody else doing? Hope you are ok Tulip, Drowning and Space?

Hope days are going by quietly Blue, star, Jules, owl, MissC, MissA?

[LittleTulip]

Hello all,

Spacefrog the butterfly sounds lovely! I always notice little things like that now. In fact the day after we buried 'A' there were the two fattest caterpillars on our patio, I have never seen a caterpillar before in my life I think! I remember showing DH and smiling about it.

Bluesky, big milestone going back to work. In fact like you in the early days I was desperate for a new job, a new life in fact! I'm still looking but now have accepted that I am going to have to go back to the same place. It's funny when 'A' was born I I thought I would be back at work by now but I'm looking to the new year and even past it! I just can't seem to find the courage to face everybody.

So is anybody else dreading Christmas? Or is that a daft question? I'm approaching my due date, not looking forward to it at all, not sure how I'm gonna feel. DH is off with me that week which will be good. Also hate seeing all the Christmas ads, that John Lewis one had me all over the place this weekend.

Star I have had two acupuncture sessions. Didn't quite know what to expect but just the doing something and relaxing is enough for now.

Welcome tadpole! You are so very brave organising the baby shower for your friend, if you would like to tell us more about your baby then feel free.

All the best to all. Hope your meeting went well Drowning and the pregnancies are uneventful.

[missalexandra]

Tadpole it is so generous of you to be organising a baby shower for your friend when you are living your own nightmare. I'm so sorry to hear you lost your baby, this is a good place to talk about your LO if you feel you can or want to.

Ruby you too have been very brave to do the survey thing when youre still grieving your little girl. But like you say, if it can help anyone else going through the same then its worth it. Knowing what caused H's death is a doubled-edged sword isnt it? On the one hand your questions have been answered but it also allows you to torture yourself with everything you could have done to avoid it (which we obviously shouldn't do but probably will anyway). Weddings...I personally dislike them at the best of times, cant imagine managing to get through one right now, so well done. Cant believe your NCT leaders comments, how unsensitive can anyone be!?

Owl hope you and little Owlet are doing ok. Are you sleeping any better and feeling a bit calmer? I love your butterfly picture, they are such special, magical creatures arent they, and their lives are so fleeting, just the same as our little angels were.

Blue gosh it seems like everyone is being very brave lately, you too handing in your notice. Some of those comments you got for co-workers are really bad, and I just cannot believe there was one who even forgot E had died! Lets hope in your next workplace they're a bit more sensitive. Honestly I think we should start a list of horrendous comments received post-loss, I reckon most of us would be able to add to the list. Im getting soooo sick of my MIL telling me that I need to realise that "life goes on" and just forget whats happened. She's even now started telling DH the same, that I need to pull myself together and just get on with life. Grrrr. Are you recovered from your bug?

Star how are you feeling? Did your anomaly scan go well? Sorry if youve already mentioned it, I might have missed your post.

Spacefrog Im glad your little boys funeral went as well as you had hoped (I mean as well as a funeral can go) how lovely you had a butterfly appear

Tulip I'm with you on the dreading Christmas...we lost our little girl on Xmas eve last year andI just dont know how I-m going to get through it. DH wants to spend some time with his family (we live really far from my family) but I just dont know if I'll be able to face it, I've avoided all but one big family get-together since losing A and they (DH family) have all been so insensitive that I just dont want to spend time with them, and even less on the very first anniversary. How are you going to cope with the festivities? Like you I also hate the Xmas ads, just seen the Sainsbury one and its all kids, kids, kids (which is totally normal)

Jules, Little, Misschord havent seen anything from you for a while, is everything ok?

AFM been trying to keep really busy to try and not think too much. We went for a second opinion from a different fertility clinic and they agreed with various other doctors that there is no reason why we shouldn't try again. Just wish they'd come up with the solution of how to pay for it! We are considering taking drastic financial steps to be able to have one last try. I imagine if people knew, they would think we are mad (I think we might be), obviously wont be telling anyone if we do go ahead...only you ladies of course

So sorry if I've missed someone, big hugs to you all xx

[OwlinaTree]

So nice to hear from you missa. Can't post properly now but will catch up soon xx

[Rubyshoe]

Hi all hope everyone is doing Ok.

MissA and Tulip I completely know what you mean about dreading Xmas. It's all so wrong isn't it? We should have a little 5 month old fatty trying to eat the Xmas decs but instead it's just the 2 of us...again. Whenever I think about Xmas I think of you MissA, I don't have a solution I'm afraid but however hard the lead up and the days itself are we are all with you and we will get through it together.

good news on your IVF front that they think it's worth another go? I guess only you and DH know what feels right. A good friend of mine had IVF a number of years ago, so I have a little bit of an idea of the pressure you are under. She had 11cycles or goes (not sure of terminology!) in all, at quite a high physical and financial cost. To be honest I think everyone thought after a while they should give up because of what it was putting them through...... The 11th cycles name is Noah and he now has a little brother (also IVF).

AFM I am trying to stay sane back on the TTC rollercoaster. I've gone over to a CBFM this month to try to give us a better idea of the few days before O so it will hopefully take the pressure of DTD, otherwise it's a bit like having someone fire a starting pistol! Does anyone have any experience of these? (CBFM, not starting pistols!) we used it last month and it picked up both high and peak days which I don't think it always does the first month so hopefully that is a good sign (she says stuffing the straws she is grasping at back in her handbag!)

Hope you are doing OK spaceand drowning?

Also thinking of all the lovely healthy rainbow bumps and hoping they are all doing OK x

[Spacefrog35]

Hi ruby (& everyone else)

Doing ok thanks. Have 'gone back to work' although am WFH but at least I have stuff to do. We also got a date for our PM meeting with the consultant so I'm starting to write a list of all the things I want to ask. The situation is a bit confused as the hospital DS was treated at wasn't where I gave birth so the PM probably won't really give us any answers as to why he was premature & if there were any risk markers during the pregnancy that were missed. My lovely GP is going to arrange for me to have a debrief with one of the consultants on 'my' hospitals team regarding the pregnancy/birth once we've got the PM results which will hopefully answer some of the other questions that the PM can't!

Sorry, a bit of a 'me, me, me' post. Hope everyone else is doing ok & isn't finding the run up to Christmas too stressful.

xx

[Rubyshoe]

Hi Spacefrog and all the other angel mums. Hope everyone is doing Ok. I guess the fact that it's gone quiet means hopefully all is well.......

Well done youSpacefrog for going back to work! How is it going? is everyone being supportive without smothering you? it's a fine line isn't it?
It sounds like your GP is clued up and it's great that they are prepared to do a bit of co-ordinating. Hopefully means he/she will be very supportive next time round too. I hope your PM meeting gives you some answers and some peace as well. I was quite surprised at how much ours set me and DH back really but I think we have started to turn the corner again now.

Am kind of sleep walking into Xmas I think, we are going to spend it with family but I think I am aiming to just get through it more than anything else. My parents have been rubbish since we lost H. On the day she was stillborn they came to the Hospital stayed for a little bit (didn't actually speak to me) and then after a while 'went for a coffee' and never came back. Since then they haven't really mentioned H. I have offered momentos, foot or handprints but they just ignore me and pretend they haven't heard me so I have stopped.

I am going back to work properly in January and I think I just want to get it over with now. it's got to be done and we have to move forward so let's get on with it.

how is the acupuncture going Tulip?

hope you are doing OK MissA, I have been thinking about you a lot.

Love and Hugs to all. hope all the lovely bumps are doing ok x

[Spacefrog35]

Such a shame you're not getting support from your parents Ruby, it's really odd how some people are so clued up & patient with you and how others (especially some you really, really want support from) just get it so wrong. I'm beginning to learn that I just have to ignore them. I've always been a people pleaser but I just don't have the capacity to do it at the moment. I know what you mean about Christmas, I think DH & I are probably just going to hibernate. I love Christmas but I just don't want it to be hectic this year.

The PM actually went really, really well. It was lovely to see the consultant again, he 'gets' us without us having to explain. I guess because he was there. We were lucky enough to get a definitive cause of death, which turned out to be NEC. Bit of a surprise as he didn't really show any of the normal symptoms but the treatment he was on was the 'right treatment' for it, it just completely overwhelmed his system. No genetic abnormalities and nothing to suggest we are any more at risk of it happening again than anyone else - so really about as good an appointment as we could possibly have asked for in the situation.

I hope you & DH continue to have gentle days & hope everyone else is doing OK?