Angels and Rainbows-remembering our angels and hoping for rainbows

[Star0909]

New thread ladies. Come in here for support.

Thank you Earth Mademoiselle and MissA for your suggestions. I've decided i'm going to write a status on facebook explaining why i'm putting the photos on and also putting that if anyone wants to remove me as a friend then i will understand.

Mademoiselle sorry to hear about the BFN and the lack of AF, and i also hope you're return to school goes as well as it can do. I will be thinking of you.

MissA i'm still feeling odd. I haven't had anymore funny bleeding, but still having the dashes to the loo as i said a few days ago, although they don't seem to be quite as frequent now. Sorry to hear your doctors are giving conflicting advice, and also that your FIL is unwell. I can understand your concerns about visiting him, could your in-laws not use skype or facetime so your FIL can see you without you actually being at the hospital?

AFM my mum's driving me around the bend again. She had a rant at me yesterday because i helped a good friend paint her lounge, and i'd mentioned that me and my friend had taken it in turns to stand on a chair to do the tops of the walls (i had told mum about the possible implantation bleed). I might add that this chair was very sturdy, and that i was only stood on it for very short amounts of times. The rant wouldn't have been an issue if it wasn't for the fact that i've had to go shopping for my mum 3 days running (Thursday, Friday and today), and today she wanted 2 bags of potatoes! Then she produces a shopping list for me this morning, which meant my DD had to push DS1 round the shop for me because i needed to get a trolley. Luckily DD is a good girl and pushed her brother for me and i had Brian's pushchair so i could hang the potatoes off there rather than carry them. It's just wound me up because she knows about the funny bleed, so she's basically telling me that even if i am PG i'm still going to be expected to do her shopping for her- what i'd do to have a sibling right now. Apologies for the rant

Waves to all xx

Just a quick on from me.

Kayleigh, sorry about your mum, would having a chat with her do any good?

MissA-personally I wouldn't go. If you will worry about germs after the event then I wouldn't do it. I'm sure your in laws will understand. Kayleigh's Skype idea is a good one?

To be honest Earth i'd probably do more harm than good talking to her with the way i'm feeling. Mum is fully aware that i'm waiting to see if AF arrives on Tuesday, and she also knows that i'll be told to rest more with another PG, yet she sends me to go and carry potatoes (granted today i utilised DS's buggy but he's going to be at school very soon). Thanks for the suggestion though xx

Kayleigh Just an idea, but I think what you should do is to tell your Mum that you have spoken to the midwife, and yes she (your Mum) is absolutely right...even while TTC you should not be standing painting on chairs OR carrying heavy shopping/generally running after anyone. That way you dont antagonize her, and you also "pass the responsibility" of saying no to her onto another person. So next time she asks you do be her dogsbody you can say NO and that the midwife would be furious with you if she found out. Of course that means you absolutely never tell her about anything you do to help your friends!

Earth and Kayleigh thanks for the advice re: FIL. Unfortunately he no longer recognizes people either in photos or video or TV (himself included) so Skype is out. I have decided not to go visit him in hospital, I really have enough stress without adding any more and I just developed yet another cold sore which makes me think my immune system is probably low to start with.

I think that's a wise decision MissA - you would just be so annoyed with yourself if anything at all went wrong. And your cold sore is definitely an indication that your immune system is low - poor you, I get then very regularly and it's a pain.

I love your advice to Kayleigh too - I hope you're ok K? Have you already posted the pictures?

I've finally slept well last night after having had a very tough day yesterday. I keep thinking how far along I should be, that I should be feeling baby's kicks now, blah blah blah. I had a good conversation with dh last night to explain why I had been a complete bitch and just how sad I am. Grief really isn't linear - I know this, but it takes me by surprise regardless. I'm feeling very tired and very vulnerable and am dreading going back to work... I guess once I have started it will be less frightening!

Have a good Sunday everyone and big hugs to all.

Thanks MissA i've been in floods of tears since last night. After my mum sent me to do her shopping yesterday she texted me just after 10pm last night asking to let her know if i was going to the shop today! When DH came home from work i was a mess. I'm now fully expecting AF to arrive in the next few days, as i'm pretty sure i won't have concieved due to the stress.

Mademoiselle i'm putting the pictures on today, i did write a status first warning people and the people that responded to me were so nice about it and said they wouldn't be removing me as a friend. I feel very lucky to have such understanding people in my life

Waves and hugs to all xx

MissA I am with the other lades on the situation with your FIL, I think you have absolutely done the right thing in deciding not to go. Apart from your FIL chest infection hospitals are really not healthy places to be (I have worked clinically in the NHS for 19 years) and if there are signs that you are a bit immuno-suppressed you need to put you and bump first. Glad your little one is active it makes the days easier to get through I think!

Kayleigh sorry you have been having a rough time with your Mum, it sounds like she is very lucky to have you as a daughter! What she is asking of you is not fair. You have two DCs, are still grieving for your angel and TTC on top of everything else. Completely agree with MIssA blame your midwife or better still your Consultant and keep in mind you are not being unreasonable. You have been helping her out, but to be honest she needs to help you by being organised and if she wants shopping doing, do a list once a week, could you perhaps then do this with DH to make life easier? She needs to meet you halfway. I completely take my hat off to you, I have real problems with my parents (of a different nature) and have to admit to
'screening' my calls and only speaking to them when I really feel up-to it.

Mademoiselle hope your return to school this week goes OK, completely understand about the grief going up and down. I think the thread prior to this one alluded to a 'rollercoaster' and it absolutely is. Can you have any graduated return to work or at least have someone who can support you if you get to a point in the day and need 5 minutes to gather yourself?
I know I practiced in my head before I went back to work, what I was going to say when I got the dreaded question "Oooohhh what did you have?" I was asked it 5 times and got better at the delivery of my rehearsed answer every time.

Sorry for not name checking everyone, waves to all and any new angel mums lurking x

Thanks ruby mum used to give me a list twice a week (a Tuesday and Friday normally) and that was fine, it's just the constant day after day asking that's bugging me. She has had 2 major surgeries since January 13 and does less for herself now than before them. To me that's as bad as spitting in the surgeons face!

How are you doing ruby? xx

Ruby you're such a sweet and kind person and always find the right words. I am sorry that I am still so consumed by grief that I hardly ever ask about you all or respond to things properly.
I am feeling pretty sorry for myself this weekend. I was just really hoping to be pregnant again by 'back-to-school' day, or at the very least (and this was my "I am being sooooo good and considering even the WORSE of all options" thinking; clearly I have not yet learnt my lesson!) that my period would have returned and that we could start ttc again by now. Instead I am just so sad, bitter and angry and envious. All I keep thinking is that even if I miraculously conceive relatively quickly AND don't miscarry AND baby doesn't have a horrendous, life-threatening condition AND doesn't die, there will still be almost 4 years between this new baby and our daughter. I just wish I could go back in time, to this time last year, and give my über optimistic, 'I will get pregnant just by looking at my husband's penis'-self a good old slap and ditch the pill and start shagging straight away! I also really must stop going back to my due date thread where everybody is mega excited about first kicks and and feeling movement and being half-way through.

Oh gosh. I really am bitter.

Ok. Enough wallowing. Sorry for being so negative. I am just struggling. Grief sucks! (And I've managed to edit out most of the swearwords!)

Please give goods news and happy outcomes. Please someone send me a cristal ball and tells me it will all be ok and we will have a football-team's worth of children in a few years' time (well - maybe half a team...).

Love to you all and special love to all the little babies growing inside you amazing angel mums. xx

Oh Mad, it's so hard isn't it? I too felt like I needed to be pg when I went back to work (I wasn't) and then pg by Mother's Day (I wasn't) and then various other arbitrary dates. I was bitter and angry and sad and unreasonable, and still am sometimes. I think it's all normal, not that it helps to know that. I second Ruby's suggestion of having a standard response to questions and maybe an escape plan if things get too much. What age group do you teach? Would you be able to step outside the classroom to gather yourself if you needed to, or are they little ones who need to be supervised all the time?

Ruby-it's September tomorrow. The month you will meet your rainbow x

Hi, is it ok if I join this thread?

I lost my baby in May this year, at 21 weeks pregnant. We found out at the 20 week scan that he had died, we had no idea that anything was wrong. He has a big brother, who has just turned two and has been the one thing who has got me through this awful time. PM results are apparently back, and I have my appointment on 24/9, but I was told that it's highly likely that a reason won't be found.

We're considering TTC next month, assuming PM results show no genetic problems or issues that are likely to recur. I'm desperate for DS1 to have a little brother or sister. I'm also almost 35 and worried that my fertility may start to decline (we have conceived very quickly for both of my pregnancies, and no issues during my pregnancy with DS1). But at the same time, I'm still grieving my lost baby, and not sure how I would cope with the anxiety of another pregnancy. That said, does that ever really change after losing a baby?

Sorry to everyone else on here for your losses. Any advice would be much appreciated.

Welcome spaniel, so sorry you find yourself here. I wish I had some advice but I think TTC after a loss is just really really stressful - as is not being pregnant, and being pregnant - basically it's just a horrible road and I wish you weren't on it. Your loss is really fresh and only you can decide what's right for you, but I think it's fairly common to be desperate to have another child soon after a loss, while terrified.

I lost my little boy in January on the evening of the day he was born (I have a pic of him on my profile) and had a mc in July. I'm also nearly 35 and so I totally understand the age-related fear, but if you got pregnant fairly quickly before, I really hope that will happen for you again.

Thinking of all our lost babies tonight. The love we have for them is real and continues to link us to them, and will do forever.

Sorry for lack of name checking. I do read but don't have updates as am just in this holding pattern have been struggling with the deep sadness which I know you're all familiar with. Sending tight squeezes to you all.

Spaniel - a sad and warm welcome. Of course it is ok to join. Very sorry to find you here though, and very sorry for the loss of your little baby. I hope that you find as much comfort on this thread as I have done - the women on here are all absolute superheroes.
In terms of advice, I may not be the best person to ask right now, as I am still coping with very raw grief myself (I had a surgical termination at 15 weeks for our very ill baby. This was 6 weeks ago), but I am here for hand holding, listening and tea -who am I kidding- gin, or wine pouring.

Earth thank you. It's silly but it helps. To know that it's not just me. That life sucks right now and is terribly unfair, but that other people know how much it hurts too. Somehow, it makes it less lonely. Less isolating than when I open FB or stupidly read other 'due date' threads. Where people are happy. Where all is well and thunder never strikes.

Sleep well everyone

Tight squeeze to you too, Critter . I hope you're doing ok.

Mademoiselle don't apologise. If you can't be honest here where can you be? I know what you mean about "time limits". We had set a time limit of DH's 30th birthday- if we hadn't concieved by then we were stopping all together. By the time his 30th had rolled around Ben had been conceived, and died. We're not putting a time limit on our rainbow, but even so i'm hoping it won't take too long.

Spaniel so sorry you find yourself here, and so sorry for the loss of your precious son. Myself and DH are TTC after losing our DS2 Ben at 34+1 in April. Like you i've not had any issues conceiving in the past, however my consultant did tell me that it will happen when my body is ready and not before. I hope the PM results show no problems so you can hopefully begin TTC, and i also hope you find as much support her as i have.

Hugs to all xx

Hi lovely ladies,

Remember me?

It has been just over a year since I lost my beautiful boy. I can't say it gets any better really.

To cut a long story short, we have now been referred for ivf even though I conceived my first naturally (I have a blocked tube) - A real double whammy, losing your first child and then infertility! This is not meant as any disrespect to others going through the same.

Ruby and particularly MissA, I think of you often I do hope you get your happy ending. And Spacefrog too hope she is well.

I'm glad this thread is going strong, you're the only ladies that truly know what life is like after losing a baby.

I guess I am wallowing tonight, AF is here, and well life is just pants.

Apologies for the abruptness!

littletulip that sucks, I'm so sorry :(. I'd been wondering how you were. When do you start the ivf do you know? It does seem wrong that anyone should experience both the loss of a baby and also need fertility treatment as well. The crap luck should surely be shared out better than that! Hope you're feeling a bit better this morning. Are your family and friends being supportive? ((Hugs)).

spaniel welcome to the thread, I'm sorry you find yourself here but hope you find it as helpful as I have. I think we all have that mixture of emotions, of longing to get pregnant again and yet so fearful of actually having to get through it. The only advice I think is the same whatever stage of the journey - one day at a time, and be kind to yourself. Please do tell us more about your little boy if you would like to. I lost my youngest son at 36weeks in April 2013 after a straightforward pregnancy very suddenly ended in placental abruption. We miss him so much, but have somehow managed to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I am now nearly 33weeks with a little girl, and am finding it difficult to control my anxiety, but so far things seem to be ok. If it helps, I am nearly 37 and understand that 'time is running out' feeling too.

critter tight squeezes back - I hope the sadness lifts a little for you this morning. Are you able to arrange something nice - I have certain friends I sometimes find it helpful to meet up with for a cup of tea when I'm in that pit of sadness. Xx

madem I felt like that about returning to work too - I should've been 14weeks with my rainbow if I'd not mc'd. Somehow it made it all the harder going back. And with the age gap thing - I think when you've a certain idea of what the gap should've been, it just seems wrong that it will end up being anything else. A friend of mine made me feel a lot better about it though, she has been grieving for her sister who sadly died a few months before we lost E, and I always knew they were very close and did a lot together. What I'd never realised until I shared how I was feeling about the age gap we would end up with was that there was 6years between them.

missalex just another person echoing that I think you made the right decision x

Waves to everyone - ducky, ruby, betty - hope you're ok?

Sorry kayleigh just realised I missed you - no advice but that would drive me up the wall about the shopping. Think what others have suggested about blaming medical advice sounds like a good plan. I've realised through all this that I hardly ever put myself or my own health first - I certainly didn't when I was pg with E and I totally regret that now. But it's surprisingly difficult to! I now force myself to think of it as putting my child first, which is a lot easier. There seem to be lots of people who think 'you should be looking after yourself' etc right up until the point where it affects them!

missalex I didn't answer your question, sorry. We've only been given approximate per centiles, from the scan at 26weeks. She seems to be tracking just below the 50th centile (it's just plotted on the graph which shows 90th, 50th and 10th). With the weightloss, sorry to ask the obvious but are you able to eat more? Maybe more frequently? Nuts, seeds, etc so it doesn't affect blood sugar? (Not sure whether the diet is really prescriptive, sorry, just a thought as I'm eating constantly!).

lady sorry I missed you too - I remember really crashing emotionally after the funeral, I hope you're holding up ok.

Spaniel so sorry you find yourself here, it's so sad how many new names there are recently I hope you find as much comfort from this tread as I have, the ladies on here are all amazing.

I've lost track of the thread again! Need to be checkig in more regularly!

Waves and hugs to everyone x

Spaniel welcome to the thread. I am so sorry about the loss of your little boy and hope that if there are answers to be found then the PM has done that and maybe can give you some answers, if not peace. It's still such early days for you, 3 months really is nothing so be kind to yourself. We lost our little girl 'H' at 40+2 last July 2013. The PM showed infection as the most likely cause and we are now 36+2 with our rainbow. Completely know where you are coming from on the worry over fertility. I am 38 now and after losing 'H' convinced myself that we wouldn't conceive again, even though it only took 2 months with H. There is a lot of stuff on the internet which talks about fertility 'plummeting' after 35 which scared the Jesus out of me. I remember lying in bed one night in the dark shortly after we lost H and saying/sobbing to DH "What if that's it, what if we can't have anymore babies?". He just sighed and said quietly "Babe, we've just had one." I remember thinking, oh yeah, good point, well made. We've all felt the panic though.

Critter squeezing your hand tightly. So sorry you are so sad at the moment. Ou angels will always be with us, always be our children and never be forgotten. We are all here for you.

Little Tulip Can't believe what you are going through at the moment and sorry the red witch has arrived. Does the 'blocked tube' make natural conception unlikely or impossible? Don't feel you have to answer if it's too private. Well done for getting through the first anniversary, I saw your one off post and wondered. At 'H's first anniversary I completely lost the plot 2 days before and the midwife had to come round and talk to me for about an hour and a half which I was very grateful for.

Blue Glad I am not the only one intermittently obsessed with food! I swing between feeling really full and bloated and feeling like I could eat the sofa!

Mad I am with Earth I definitely put a lot on being pregnant at various points. If we could be pregnant by Xmas, going back to work in Jan etc then everything would be 'OK'. Felt like I needed to be pregnant to be able to move forward. We'll never have the innocence of the FB posse and their announcements at 4 weeks and 1 day where they have already ordered the pram. I think though that of all the things H left us, the foot prints, photos etc. The biggest thing was that she changed DH and I forever and thats the biggest memento. We joke that she re-calibrated our "disaster-ometer" forever. We know now what is important and sometimes it feels like we see things in a different dimension to others. It's a burden and a gift I think x

Critter, Mademoiselle, Kayleigh, Bluesky, Ruby, Ducky, thank you for your lovely replies & the warm welcome. I'm so sorry for all your beautiful babies.

Bluesky, our little boy was called Alex. I say little boy because that is what they think he was, we will know for certain after PM results, but although I was 21 weeks when I found out he was gone, he only measured 16 weeks - about the length of my hand, including my fingers. So it was hard to be sure. I don't know whether he'd stopped growing before he died, or whether he'd been gone for 5 weeks and I had no idea. I hope it's the former, because the 2nd reason just fills me with horror that all that time I was talking to my bump etc, he was dead. That's what frightens me the most - how could I not have known? How were there no signs? And how will I ever trust my instincts in another pregnancy, or relax and not worry?

He was to be a little brother for our DS, he should have been born on 6th October, which would have been a 25 month age gap. He would have been loved so much. The hardest thing for me has been getting up every day and keeping it together for DS's sake - he has no idea of what happened, he is just too young. But then, if I didn't have DS to get up for, I'm not sure what I'd have done. It's made me extra grateful to have a healthy, living son, but there are days when I see two little brothers in the park or the supermarket, and the sadness is overwhelming.

I'm terrified of getting pregnant and then losing another baby. I've never had an early MC but always felt I would cope reasonably well if it happened - after all, everyone knows that it's a 1:4 risk (possibly a naive view, having never been though it). But I think now, if I was to lose a baby at any stage, I would just fall apart. And it's a reasonably high risk, isn't it? I have no idea how to cope with that fear. But the thought of never having another baby is even worse, so I'm going to have to face it at some point.

Sorry for the rambling. Thinking if everyone else going through tough times at the moment.

Spaniel, it is an awful situation I felt the same way, terrified at the thought of loosing another baby but also terrified at the thougt of not having one I had a bit of a breakdown when I found out I was pregnant, I shocked myself with my own reaction if that makes sense. I am currently 23 weeks with my rainbow and I am finding it very very difficult but there are also some nice moments too.

Hope you manage to get some answers at your pm appointment x

Oh Spaniel... I empathise with every single word you said: seeing two brothers together, being so grateful for your living son who's well, being grateful to have him to get you up in the morning... I too felt as though my daughter saved me. I'm currently struggling with having to embark on the whole ttc journey again and I just can't face it. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Alex is a beautiful name.

AFM: totally freaking out at the thought of going back to work tomorrow. I should be feeling my baby kick, I should be confirming everyone's suspicions from the summer term, I should be excitedly recalling my summer to my colleagues and going off on maternity leave in 10 weeks. I know I've said this before. I'm just stuck. I'm stuck and sad and all empty. I just wish I could be pregnant still, with a healthy baby to meet us in January. But it wasn't to be.

Urgh. I just wish I could go to sleep and wake up when I feel better...

M will be thinking of you, it has really brought a tear to my eye reading that x

Sorry Ducky and thank you. I'm really wallowing today (and yesterday...and the day before...) and feeling sorry for myself and not moving on. I know I need to get a grip but...
Xx