Angels and Rainbows-remembering our angels and hoping for rainbows

[Star0909]

New thread ladies. Come in here for support.

mademoiselle i'm sorry to hear about the response you had from your dad and friend. I've found there are certain people i can talk to about Ben, although like you my dad isn't one of them (i had to telephone him after Bens' birth/death, and he apologised for not ringing me sooner- apparently "he was trying to get his head around it"). Having said all that though, i'm aware that some people recently seem to be not so understanding about us TTC again. Sending you hugs x

Hi Mad, I'm sorry you're dealing with such insensitivity. I found I had higher expectations of my parents so I was often more disappointed and hurt when they said the wrong thing.

WTAF re your friend?! "Having a blast", yes, because burying your much longed for child is what everyone wants to do during the summer holidays. Some people really don't engage their brains. It was my birthday shortly after F died and I had countless "Happy birthday, hope you're having a great time" msgs from people (they all knew he had died only a week before) so I understand a little bit how the thoughtless comments can make you feel. Big hugs x

ruby that really stuck in my head, your Dad's comment. It may be easier for other people to want to brush this under the carpet and move on, but that isn't possible for us. Rituals and remembrances of our precious children are very important.

missa I am sorry you're having such a stressful time. Given what you've been through it's not surprising that you are traumatised. I am sorry about the GD diagnosis and that you have added anxiety-making worries. I can't believe you went through 8 years of TTC to lose your little one. It's been unbelievably miserable for me and I 'only' had three years of TTC under my belt. I can't imagine how you have coped, you have just been clobbered by the universe and are managing to cope with it brilliantly.

kay hope you're ok and things are steady with your mum.

earth argh at insensitive birthday messages. That stuff is so painful. People don't mean to hurt us, but the thoughtlessness just stings so badly and then we have to hide it. It sucks.

All ok here. I have started with oestrogen tablets and next frozen embryo transfer will be in about 3 weeks. Feels a long way off but at least I'm back on the conveyor belt. I had a new doctor yesterday who was very kind, she was telling me about her miscarriage (as I asked about still having cramping 7 weeks after mc) and I told her I'd had a neonatal death in January - I kind of stumbled over it because people always look like you've slapped them when you say what happened. She gave me a hug which was really nice.

Also ruby the gap dungarees suit made me well up. I am so sorry. Your poor little girl.

Thanks critter things with my mum are much the same but i'm dealing with it, although she did come out with a bit of an ironic statement last night:

DS1 who has additional needs has recently been rather aggressive towards me, and yesterday he started hitting me, and my friend who was at our house stopped intervened. When i told mum about it she was all "oh well he'll have to stop doing that when you're pregnant." I just sat there and silently thought well yes, but i'll still be expected to run around after my mum. But as i said earlier she'll never change so i'll just accept it.

I'm glad to hear your new doctor is nice x

Thank you all for your sweet and kind comments. This 'friend' from work is very passive/aggressive and I must admit I'm very pleased I'll be working with her a lot less this coming year as I can't stand this kind of attitude. She referred toy pictures on fb - yes, we went to the beach. Yes, it looks normal, mainly because I didn't post a single picture of me but only of our little girl enjoying herself. Doesn't mean my heart isn't bleeding and I'm not crying every single day. Stupid cow. There: I've said it! Makes me feel better.

MissA I'm sorry you've been finding it tough lately. I really don't have any advice other than to keep doing what you're doing; as others have mentioned, I cannot believe that your ttc journey of 8 years ended the way it did. It's so evil, so unfair, so awful. I am thinking of you and sending strength your way. May you have a much calmer and gentler time ahead of you now.

Ruby, your dad's comment is pretty incredible indeed. The thought of your beautiful girl in her Gap dungarees is just so, so heartbreaking.

Kayleigh, I hope you're ok.

Thank you all for just being such kind and thoughtful people. I'm sending hugs all round x

Kayleigh Its soo hard but sometimes we have to take a step back from people who we're trying to help, and sometimes its just what they need to realise that they have to help themselves. I hope your Mum can come to that conclusion soon as it sounds like youve done so much for her at a time when she could be supporting you, too. Yes the doctors both said that there is a slightly raised chance of stillbirth with GD. I'm not sure they would have even mentioned it to me but I went in armed with loads of info I've found on the Net so they could hardly deny it. They both sadi that it is when the GD is badly controlled though.

Blizy thanks for popping in, its so lovely to hear from people who've made it out the other side of this nightmare. Congratulations on your rainbow pregnancy! Are you managing the anxiety ok?

Earth thanks for letting me know about your GD friends and their good outcomes. The doctors did say that it is GD that has been badly controlled that can cause stillbirth, but I had managed to find various webpages/medical papers where they published reports of stillbirths even after extremely well controlled GD. So wish I could stop myself visiting Dr Google. Its' lovely to hear your little boy is fit and (usually) happy!

Ruby Glad to hear little Bear is doing well and they are keeping on top of the possible low fluid. 21 days, every time I think of how close you are my stomach does somersaults (nervous but excited too!) I think you have brought a tear to all our eyes with your description of H in her little Gap dungarees so very sad. The diet and monitoring is going ok thanks, I feel a bit like a pincushion though as I'm already injecting myself once a day with other stuff! For the time being I'm keeping just under the levels, at least it feels like I am activiely doing something to try and keep Junior out of harms way. I've lost over a kilo in a week and I must admit it somehow doesnt feel right to be losing weight while pregnant although she did say not to worry if I did. Any packing done yet?

Critter so pleased you are back on the rollercoaster (you know what I mean) and also that you have a lovely doctor, it must make such a difference. When I think of mine Miss Rottenmeier comes to mind. Are you taking anything apart from the oestregen to prepare? Have they suggested Clexane for better implantation? And baby aspirin? Keep us informed of how its going! Yes you are so right when you describe our story as a "sick joke". We very foolishly thought that after the 8 years of TTC and many sad losses we had finally been "given a break" with A...how wrong we were. I suppose thats part of why I just cant see us ever actually holding this little boy (alive) as I am just expecting another "clobbering from the Universe" as you say.

Mademoiselle thanks for the kind thoughts. Every time I read on here how one of us has been upset by someone's ridiculous and insensitive comments I see red. We should organize a "stupid stillbirth comments posse" to go round and collectively slap them into realization of what theyve done. And if it makes you feel any better I will join you - your "friend" is a stupid cow!!

Blue hope youre ok

Owl Not sure if you're still reading the thread but I think of you and the Owl family often, hope all is well

Waves and to everyone else (now I cant have it I'm thinking about cake constantly) x

You're right MissA it's hard to take that step back. I know my mum's close friend is worried about her also, so at least i know i'm not making a mountain out of a molehill so to speak. I'm just trying mot to let it bother me now, as i need to prepare DS1 for starting school in 2 weeks.
Thank you for clarifying the GD question, nobody i know has had it so i didn't really have much knowledge on it

Waves to everyone x

kayleigh missalex has wise advice about your mum. So sorry about your older child, it must be really tough.

missalex when I went in for my 36 week appointment the midwife said to me 'I see your mum has a history of stillbirth, I hope she isn't putting too much anxiety on you' and I said, 'oh no, I think I've got all my bad luck out of the way because I had to have IVF, I feel really confident and positive'. . I used to believe in karma and think that you got good luck and bad luck in equal measure. Now I sadly know it doesn't work like that. It is just deeply, deeply unfair. You must be not just grieving for A but also for all the time you spent longing for a baby too, I know I am.

mad I am sorry about nasty colleagues. Stupid cow indeed. There are some times when you just have to let it out. Grrr.

They are just asking me to take oestrogen tablets so far. No baby aspirin or clean - both times we've done a transfer it has 'taken' - first time was J and second time was my last mc. I didn't show up with any clotting issues in the postpartum tests, I think everything came back normal. The irony was that everything was normal and straightforward apart from my son dying. Ugh. Just want to fast forward this part of my life.

sorry for 'clean' read 'clexane' - autocorrect!

Thanks critter Brian has an increased global developmental delay and hypermobility syndrome, and has recently had lots of blood tests done so we'll see what the results of those are. In honesty we just deal with it, we're used to his little ways- the main concern at the moment is wether he will cope in mainstream school

MissA, I had clexane all through pg until 6 weeks post delivery. The first day of no injection is bliss!

Hi everyone,

I hae missed so much! My phone is meant to notify me of posts but seems to have stopped!!

M, some people are so insensitive sorry you had to deal with that from your colleague... And from your dad

Ruby, not long now! Was it sept 15th?

Critter, sorry I don't know much about the transfer etc but really hope it works (is that the correct term?) so sorry if that doesn't make sense

Missa how are you doing?

How is everyone else?

I'm still having major movement anxiety when he doesn't move for even just a minute I go in a panic. I suppose it's because I haven't had many other symptoms. Don't know how il make it through another 16 weeks have had the midwifes out so many times they must think im mad!

Xxxx

Hi all

Hope everyone is doing OK and having peaceful days. I never know on here when it goes a bit quieter whether that is a good or bad sign. I guess it probably means both at different times. Ducky not sure what to suggest other than just keep going and I'm sure the midwives don't think you're mad. From what I can gather they have all seen this too many times and they do 'get it' if you know what I mean.

Critter hope all is going well with you, when will you have your transfer? A close friend in RL has just had 2 cycles of IVF and I know it's pretty brutal. I can't imagine what it must be like to have the added stress of assisted conception on top of the grief and worry that is there anyway. Sending you lots of and x

Miss A & Blue How's it going? How long have you got to go? Is time dragging for you too?

AFM all pretty quiet here, lots of wriggles from little Bear which is nice. DH and I are going to be brave this week coming and open the wardrobes in the nursery and start getting things out. Have bought a 'next to me crib' from mother care this week for when Bear is in our room so that should arrive this week, definitely think I need to man up a bit, I can see myself in the transitional stage of labour going "What do you mean we're having a baby? What baby?"

Waves to all and sorry for not name checking everyone, Ladymillion ow are you doing? x

ducky and ruby you are both sweethearts - thank you for saying such kind things. Yes, as missa knows, IVF is all a bit miserable, but I am just grateful it exists - I don't ovulate regularly (PCOS) and clomid didn't work for me, so this is basically my most viable option if I want to get pregnant. Next transfer will be in about three weeks time. This is the third time I've had an embryo transfer (first time was James, second was my mc) so I'm an old pro now. It's a pretty straightforward procedure, less painful than a smear test, it's just the emotional crap and added stress that goes along with it, which I know you all know about!

Hope everyone's doing ok. ruby how lovely to have a little cot for your baby by your bed. You are just going to be so happy when your baby is safely in your arms.

ducky I hope that you get more movement soon and I also hope you don't worry about calling midwives, I'm sure they understand pregnancy is a whole different ballgame when you've had a loss like yours.

earth how come you had to have clexane? Did they recommend it as an anti-clotting thing?

kayleigh hope you're ok, what a worry with your little boy. I hope the transition to school is smooth!

Thanks critter i'm plodding on. I'm sure the transition to school itself will be fine, it's whether Brian will be able to keep up with the other children in his class. We're back to see the neurologist with Brian next Monday so we'll see what she has to say about his recent blood tests.

ducky as others have said i'm sure the midwives completely understand your concerns

ruby the cot sounds really nice.

Waves to earth blue missa mademoiselle and anyone else i've missed x

Critter, they did a barrage of tests when F died and when I went for my booking in for my pg this time they told me the results....! I have some clotting antibodies. It isn't why F died and ive never had a clot despite the fact i used to be a frequent long haul flyer, so my body obviously copes ok, but they just wanted to cover all bases. If I ever got pg again they would do the same. It's a small price to pay for having one particular worry ticked off the list. How are you holding up with the waiting?

Ruby-well done for even thinking about getting things out, it's so hard. I was totally and utterly overwhelmed when I had a live and healthy baby put on me in hospital, it didn't seem real that he was mine.

Kayleigh, I really hope Brian gets on well at school, it must be a worry for you both.

Waves to everyone else. Hope you are holding up ok x

Kayleigh hope Brian settles ok at school and his blood tests come back ok. I'm glad to hear your Mum has a good friend that also sees there is a problem, maybe you can come up with some sort of "plan" between you?

Critter when you discover that fast-forward button let us all know! I didnt have clotting issues either but they prescibed Clexane simply cos I am such a high-risk pregnancy, they would have given me it whether I'd had a stillbirth or not and its supposed to aid bloodlfow to the womb, when using it my lining was thicker and trilaminar pre-transfer. I think some women just use it for the first 12 weeks. Are you thinking of acupuncture pre-transfer? I'm convinced it helped me.

Earth cant wait to stop injecting too! Since I've moved from tummy to hip (my hips are quite generously covered its not so bad, I just couldnt get my head around injecting straight into where I knew the baby was, however short the needle. Like you say it must be a totally overwhelming moment when you eventually get a live, healthy rainbow baby handed to you, I hope all of us on here get to experience that feeling.

Ducky just try and stop thinking about what the midwives will think, you have enough worrying without worrying about that too. And in the end, if they DID think you were a bit over-anxious (which I'm positive they wont) its is their job to attend to you and any worries you might have, and I'm sure they'd much rather see you every day than later on have to lament not having given you enough attention.

Ruby Love the idea of the next-to-me crib, they look so practical. Well done for taking the plunge! We keep finding excuses for not sorting out the clothes isssue or buying anything new too. You made me laugh out loud with the "what baby?" comment I can sooo identify! . I am 26 weeks now and I still dont really believe there is a baby in there either, and much less that he might be in our arms (and alive) in 10 weeks time! How come they/you decided against a c-section in the end, I thought your consult was pushing for one?

Mademoiselle how are you doing?

Blue is everything ok?

AFM movement anxiety has gone to a whole new level. Not sure if its my imagination but since I've been on the GD diet he seems to be moving slightly less, of course I have completely cut all sugars out of my diet so maybe that has affected things. Before I could just eat something really sweet and usually get a good wriggle, but now of course I cant so I'm resorting to jiggling my bump when I cant bear it any longer. He usually responds with a kick but not always, and I also feel bad about maybe waking him up if he's asleep? He was fine on Wednesday at the last scan so I'm trying to stay calm

Waves to all x

Hi ladies, hope all is as ok as it can be with you all.

Just wondering if any of you know anything about implantation bleeds? I ask because i had clear mucus the other week after my fertile days, but there was some red stuff with it (sorry about TMI). Trying not to overhink things as AF is due next Tuesday. Thanks in advance xx

Sorry Kayleigh, I know absolutely nothing about it. I have everything crossed for you though!!

I hope quiet = calm and gentle days for everyone...

LadyMillion , I think of you all the time. How are you holding up?

AFM: back in rainy, freezing cold UK and trying to numb mind with getting ready for going back to work. Well, just shopping really. Spending far too much and pretending it's ok! I've still not had a period- trying not to read too much into it...

Big waves to Ducky, Ruby, MissA, Earth, Critter, and all you other wonderful, kind and loving ladies.

Sorry Kay I don't know much either about that, but fingers crossed

M, I'm quite enjoying the cooler weather I'm a winter person though!

Hugs to everyone x

Thanks anyway mademoiselle i hope your return to work is gentle on you x

kayleigh I hope it's good news for you and AF stays away.

mademoiselle sorry you're back at work, boo. Hope things don't get too busy and you can have a calm return to things.

missa interesting about clexane. They haven't suggested it to me at my clinic - just oestrogen tablets and progesterone pessaries. I did acupuncture a couple of years ago when I was TTC with Clomid and trying to get my periods to return after coming off the Pill. I got frustrated as I didn't ovulate and my periods never did return - but I have heard good things about it for IVF. I bet a lot of it has to do with the practitioner, as well. I used to go to a fairly cheap clinic as I think you need to go regularly for there to be an effect.

earth wow that they told you F's test results at your booking in appointment for the next baby. Did you have a fairly short gap between pregnancies? That must have been really stressful. I am doing ok, you are such a love to ask. Just trying to make time pass as quickly and painlessly as possible.

Hope everyone else is doing ok. Loves to you all.

I think that's all you can do Critter, just try and make it through each day. You are doing tremendously well, just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
To answer your question re test results, my booking in was 10months to the day after F was born, so not particularly quick! The hospital were actually great in all aspects but this and as it happened it didn't matter so I don't hold it against them.

Kayleigh, I'm sorry I don't know much about implantation bleeding. I never had it so my knowledge is all google based!

And I did have the PM results on time, and we were given a reason for F dying, it was just my blood test results that were delayed for 10 months....