Angels and Rainbows-remembering our angels and hoping for rainbows

[Star0909]

New thread ladies. Come in here for support.

Mademoiselle the cherry tree sounds lovely, and i can relate to your feelings about family being there. I originally wanted only a few people at Ben's funeral (me, DH, our older DC's, my parents and the would-be godparents) but as family found out details more of them said they were attending. It did piss me off at first but now i'm actually glad to know we have such a caring and supportive network around us, and they've all been understanding about us trying again.

Waves to all xx

Glad I'm not the only one feeling like this towards family. Our gathering was really incredibly tiny though, I couldn't have coped otherwise.

We didn't do anything formal. It was just my dh and I with his mother and two of my SILs and our daughter. We just planted the tree in the orchard on their farmhouse land - a little more neglected than we were hoping as it's only his grandad there at the moment- but the tree will always (?!) be there for us all to cherish.

I really must go to bed and stop reading one heartbreaking blog after the other...

Blue, if you don't mind me asking, are you hoping to go to full term with the pregnancy and deliver naturally? I'm interested because at my post-birth debrief the consultant said that future pregnancies could be managed very conservatively, baby could be given steroids for lungs and delivered via section at c. 35 weeks. I'm sorry to hear that you are so anxious - completely understandable, but it must be terribly difficult to manage. I'm crossing my fingers that the rest of the pregnancy flies by for you.

Everyone else, can I be really nosy and ask how long it took you to get a period after birth (especially if that birth was a c-section)? So far I've only had one very light bleed of about three days, six weeks after the section - I'm not sure whether it was a period or not, and nothing since then. So am now 14 weeks post section, and 8 weeks post light bleed. Pregnancy tests all showing negative. Am really frustrated - just want to be able to get on with ttc again, and feel like my body is holding me up. I know that I need to let it heal in its own time, but grrrrrrrr.

I had a v birth so don't think il be muh help, although I heard bleeding will be lighter with a cs? I had the bleeding after giving birth for a week then my period came two weeks after that but it was longer than normal (usually 3 days at most but was on for 7 days) x

Hi Betty, I had a v birth and bled for 11 weeks (no, that's not a typo.....) my period then arrived 4 weeks after that. They were a bit wonky for about 4 months. I had acupuncture to try and get them back to normal, not sure if the acupuncture helped or they just sorted themselves out. I'm afraid I don't know about post c-section, but just based on everyone's experience here id say there is a very wide range of "normal". Must be so frustrating for you. Are you taking supplements/tried anything natural/alternative?

Thanks Ducky, I think the postnatal bleeding is supposed to be lighted after a section, but can't find anything about periods.

Earth - 11 weeks! - poor you. Would like to try acupuncture, but I think you're supposed to do a number of sessions for best effect, and I can't really afford it (phd student = no proper income ). I have been drinking parsley tea (old wives tale) but it's not doing anything. You are right that there is such a wide range of normal - just immensely frustrating.

Thanks everyone, your words are so comforting, like I'm not alone.

I can't stop picturing my poor little boy; part of me is grateful that I got to see him and hold him, but the downside to that is the constant flashbacks of such a helpless, cute little lad who was a part of me. He had my nose and ears. My partners lips, hands and feet. Perfection but just too small. It is heartbreaking. A feeling you can all unfortunately identify with .

I spoke to the bereavement midwife yesterday about my strong need to be pregnant again and she said a 3 month break would be advisable before TTC'ing. I was expecting to be told 12 months so I'm feeling positive about that. That's providing no genetic causes were identified in the post mortem.

We should be moving into our new house next week (finally got onto the property ladder; everything was all coming together nicely after 8 years together). Hopefully the decorating will keep me busy for a few months xxx

betty the cons said at the pm meeting that they'd induce at 38wks unless there were signs they should do something sooner. Said that although you feel they ought to get the next one out before the stage it went wrong at last time, it's not necessarily the best thing for that baby (breathing probs etc more likely esp with early section - balance of risks and all that). I was surprised that was what he thought, but was ok with it at the time, but tbh I could really do with discussing it again, and getting some monitoring agreed in advance if I've got to wait that long. I did have a panic when the locum said she thought they'd like me to make it to 38-39weeks & maybe go into labour naturally... Not sure I could handle that. My mw said in reality they'd prob be v influenced by me & how I feel at the time. The thing is I've had v straightforward deliveries before, so I think the medical view is that a section would be 'unnecessary', and the earlier they induce the less likely it is to work & then I'd end up with a section. Tbh I just want an agreed plan and to understand what it is & why, and know they won't delay or backtrack on things once agreed. I'm not sure what I'd want the plan to be if it was totally up to me. Part of me wants to go into labour naturally early to get it over with!

Re periods I think I bled for a month after E was born and then had a period at 11weeks. Not sure it makes any difference whether its a section or not - seems to be v different for different people either way. I remember testing & hoping, even tho we weren't trying at that stage, was just desperate to be pg again. Hope you're ok x

lady I remember just looking over and over at the pictures of E in the early days. we only took 3, and they didn't include his hands and feet, which were so like dh's and my eldest son's. I really regretted not taking more photos of him. He really looked like my eldest ds when he was born, but smaller. So perfect. Sometimes I can't believe that we can survive something this sad, but somehow we manage to keep going x

Betty my consultant has told me that if i got to 40 weeks with another baby they'd induce me at 40 weeks, ie; they won't allow me to go the 12 days over, however if i'm worried about anything they would discuss the option of inducing at 37-38 weeks as long as they're happy baby will cope.
I'm probably of no help regarding the period question as i'd gone back on the mini-pill after my post-birth bleed had stopped.

Betty I'm probably no help either as had a VB but stopped having loss about 2.5 weeks after then at 3.5 weeks (the day of the funeral) started bleeding again lightly, as awful as it sounds it made the day a little easier as I felt there was hope. Bled lightly for about 5 days and thought was that it?Then stopped and started again 5 weeks after loss and thought I'd severed an artery! Periods were back! Not sure if the light bleed was a dress rehearsal or what?

Blue I'm completely with you on the hospital bag thing, I can't bring myself to unpack anything. DH has a week off at 35 weeks so we are thinking we may be brave and start unpacking stuff then. Absolutely can't contemplate fitting the car seat though, not again. DH will have to come back and fit it before collecting us from hospital think!

AFM saw the CM again today. They are kindly seeing me every week to help mark the time. It gives me a focus. Scan and consultant next Tuesday so that's the next target. Bit the bullet and when mum phoned last week I did say gently did you forget 'H's birthday at end of July? Expecting her to say "no I didn't forget but didn't know what to say" so wasn't in the least bit prepared for what I got which was " Gasp..... Oh god I thought it was next week!" WTF? It's only been a year! Go figure?!

Waves to all, little Tulip how r u doing?

Ruby so sorry to hear about your mum's response :( xx

Thank you everyone for all your replies. Seems like it is just a waiting game (something I am not very good at …)

Blue thanks for your reply. I can completely understand the sense of panic at having to make it to 38 weeks. I hope that you are able to have an on-going conversation with your care providers that will take account of how you are feeling at any given time and allow you to deliver early if you decide it would be better for your mental health. Its a tough one, balancing up risk to baby of staying in longer versus coming out earlier. At the moment I don't trust my body to be able to support a pregnancy full term, which is really sad. Before this I was a completely anti-interventionist, my-body-knows-what-it-is-doing type; now I think I have swung completely in the opposite direction. Hopefully you will go into natural labour bang on 37 weeks - I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you.

lady my mum had a stillbirth in the 70s at 36 weeks and never got to see or hold my older brother... they whisked him away. She says she has always been haunted by not seeing her baby.

But it's that sense of time telescoping - that you're seeing your child, who looks like you and your partner, and seeing their personality and this glimpse of who they would grow to be, and you have this flash and then the lifetime you should have had with your child zooms backwards and you can't reach them. All that potential gone.

betty I got a period two months after my c section. Then another bleed 18 days later. Then another one 50 days after that. Now I'm CD39 after starting to miscarry and still no period (although lots of spotting). It's unbelievably frustrating and just crappy that TTC isn't easy given what we've been through.

missalex I can't believe you went through 8 years TTC then had your little girl taken from you, it's like a sick joke. I am SO sorry.

mad and ducky a very wise lady who has been through the same experience said something really helpful about seeing other people's babies - 'they are gorgeous, but ours were too, so it is always going to be bittersweet'. I find seeing little boys born around the same time as my son very hard.

Hope everyone is doing ok. mad we planted a pear tree for our little guy, it's a lovely thing to do. That cherry tree will look beautiful in the spring and will grow and blossom like your love for your little one.

ruby so sorry about your mum's reaction.

Love to kayleigh, ATM, earth, blue and everyone I have missed.

A very wise lady indeed Critter...

Sorry I'm not name checking, I'm on the app and just needed to vent. So I've just landed in France to visit my parents with my dd and they came to pick us up. The journey home hasn't very long and I haven't seen them since this all happened to us. It's a month tomorrow that I had the TFMR. Just setting the scene. So I'm telling them about SIL who is still pg and that it's a month tomorrow, and that I'm sad because I should now be half way through to holding my new baby and not a month post partum when my dad just responds: "well, it's time to move on now though. You can't stay focused on the past like that, you have to move on and look to the future!".
Now ok, I know he's right and means well but FFS, we JUST buried our child's ashes and it's not even been a month!
I stopped talking and just let the tears silently stream down my face at the back of the car. It was so hard being without dh too. I felt like a child being told off....

Sorry for not responding individually, I'll take the time ASAP but I just really needed to share my anger with the people, seemingly the ONLY people, who I know will understand.

Oh Mademoiselle i so wish i could give you a hug right now. As you say your dad means well, but that doesn't stop you from feeling hurt- which is understandable.

Well, insomnia is back again, although i know whats brought it on this time so i suppose that's something. I'm supposed to be getting Ben's "memorial" tattoo tomorrow (Saturday) however i've said i want it in a place i'm thinking is going to hurt and now i'm scared of the pain (ironic really as this tattoo will be number 9 and i have a long history of self-harm) and this has resulted in DH taking great offense. Gosh how i wish life were simpler at times

Waves to all xx

Oh M, I'm so sorry that your dad just doesn't get it. Not that it helps at all really, but I'm sure it was said out of love and concern for you. Maybe if you are feeling a bit stronger in a couple of days you could try and explain to him how you are feeling. Sending you a great big hug and thinking of baby G x

Kayleigh-sorry you're awake and worrying. I'm sure this is just the way in which your DHs sadness is manifesting itself. This is your body so you must do what you feel is right (even if that is just doing nothing while you think about it a bit longer). I'm really sorry to hear about your history of self harm and hope that part of your life is behind you, particularly now you are in the aftermath of tragedy. Sending you strength and light xxx

Ruby, sorry about your moms reaction

M, sorry about your dads reaction! I think in this situation people sometimes say things they don't mean/didn't really think to try and avoid the topic. Has he since apologised? X

Kayleigh, hope you managed to get some sleep in the end. If it doesn't feel right, don't get the tattoo just yet, it can always be done at a later date. Where abouts are you getting it? Could you possibly ring the tattooists and see if they offer numbing (mine do but you have to go in an hour early and it really is amazing) I had dd's name tattood across my neck with her ashes mixed in the ink, it was v painful but I absoloutely love it

Sending love to everyone else too x

Mademoiselle ....!!!,! to your dad's reaction. How heart breaking for you, when probably all you wanted was some acknowledgement from your parents of what you have been through and what you have lost. At 'H' funeral my dad asked if it was a legal requirement that we had a funeral! I know kind of where he was coming from, I guess she never breathed but I did feel like saying "well what the hell do you think we are going to do? She's full term and 7lb 1oz and she's in a first size baby clothes, what do you reckon? Shall we just pop her in the clinical waste bin with the placenta, another body part that doesn't work so bin it?"

Unfortunately age and apparent life experience do nothing to equip some people with tact or empathy, it doesn't make it any less heart breaking though. Sending love and your way x

Kayleigh sorry you've had such a troubled night and about your past problems with self harm. Hope you are being kind to yourself now. You've been through so much and experienced so much pain, I've never had a tattoo so don't know how the pain of that compares to anything. I reckon we have all been through so much emotional pain and withstood it, collectively we should audition for Wonderwoman! We're all well 'ard! X

Thank you Earth i have to admit the demons have gotten the better of me at times since Ben, at times when i felt i needed to take some control back when everything else around me is chaos.

Ducky thank you, i think i got a few hours in the end, but got a busy day today so i'll probably feel awful later today. My tattooist doesn't recommend any numbing stuff as he told me it won't last for the whole tattoo and once it wears off the pain will feel worse. I'm worried because i wanted it on my inner forearm and there's scars there (years old now) and it'll probably hurt more on the scar tissue.

Ruby thank you, according to DH i've already got tattoos in the worst places women can have them (i have a row of 3 across the bottom of my back and stars all the way down my back) so to him this one should be a doddle but as i said it's the scar tissue that's worrying me really.

Love to everyone else xx

Can i ask if anyone else here experienced loss of hair? I've usually had the odd strand here and there fall out after my previous births, but what i'm getting is quite a lot. It isn't noticable (thankfully) but it is a bit concerning. Thank you in advance xx

kayleigh I am terribly sorry to hear that you have a history of self-harm. I wish you strength. The hair loss sounds like it could be made worse by the enormous amount of stress you are under.

ruby and mad I am sorry you have experienced insensitivity from family members. My wise friend told me 'it does get exhausting being the one who gets hurt and has to hide it all the time'.

Thank you Critter hadn't initially thought the hair loss would be stress induced but it would make sense.

Quick update- i had Ben's tattoo done and i love it. It did hurt a lot in places but i got through it.

Waves to all xx

kayleigh I lost loads of hair about 4-5months after E was born. Much worse than previous pgs, don't know whether it was the stress or what really but I got my hair cut short as I found it v upsetting. It did sort itself out though, and the new haircut was actually nicer than my old one I think.... Sorry you've got yet another thing to deal with - wishing you strength xx (ps your tattoos sound amazing, wish I had the guts to get one. Did think about something to mark E but I'm not sure what I'd want anyway - what is it you're getting as a memorial to Ben?)

ruby & mademoiselle sorry to hear the things people have said, it's so hard isn't it :(. Part of me tries v hard to forgive people for the crap things they say, as I'm sure I would have been at least as bad. But then I just wish people could make an effort to not make things even harder for us. And them telling us how we ought to feel/deal with things/what our timescale should be for grief really winds me up.

critter that just sounds so awful for your mum :( it must have made it all so much harder. I guess that's what people used to do tho - just ignore it as if that somehow made all the emotions go away. Unfortunately there still seem to be so many people that approach us the same way.

betty totally know what you mean about no longer trusting your body -I've had 2homebirths & now I want all the monitoring there is!

Afm I've found the last couple of days really difficult - partly the anxiety just taking over, not being able to dampen down that feeling of dread that it's all going wrong, even when there's rationally no reason to be worried. A single braxton can set me off! And then partly the grief overwhelming me all over again from nowhere, like it does sometimes. I guess I've not felt like that for a while though. Just feel v alone with it all atm, I don't have any friends at work (as I'm still quite new & my work is separate from other people so I'm not part of a team like I used to be) & I feel I can't talk about it. when I've said anything to anyone recently, it's been obvious that they just don't get how hard I'm finding it or why. Urghh. One day at a time....

Waves to lady, missalex, ducky, earth, anyone I've missed -sorry! X

Ooh, you posted while I was waffling - well done! :)