Angels and Rainbows-remembering our angels and hoping for rainbows

[Star0909]

New thread ladies. Come in here for support.

ATM i was told that the consultant who we saw for the test results after Ben will be the consultant i'm under with another pregnancy. I would have to agree with everyone else and say ring the secretary and voice your concerns xx

Quick question ladies- my last AF lasted roughly 3 days (started on the Wednesday and finished on the Friday) but the more recent one started on Tuesday and has has only finished today, so it was a bit longer. Is this an indication things are getting back to normal?

Hope everyone is ok xx

Kayleigh yes -sounds to me like AF is going back to normal :)

ATM I agree with the advice youve been given - give your consultants secretary a call, or even better as Betty suggests put your worries in writing. I remember very cleary having the same "wobble" as you, one day I got up and ALL my pregnancy symptoms had disappeared overnight. It was about 9 weeks I think and I was terrified. Then after a few days they all came back and everything was fine, I still have no idea what happened but I think its quite common. Youre not far away from your 12 week scan I think, but if you really cant hold out till then can you get your MW to at least listen to the HB?

Critter and Kayleigh thanks for the cold sore tips, I have been using a cold pack as I didnt have any icecubes and gin as I didnt have any aftershave - it seems to be drying up nicely although its torture smelling the gin and not beeing able to have a G&T

Ducky sorry to hear youre getting so anxious. Have you tried eating the sweet stuff to get him to move? I have discovered that Magnum mini double chocolate icecreams seem to work quite well, and theyre only small so not too bad on the waistline (ex-waistline) maybe its the combination of the cold and sugar?

Mademoiselle hope the weekend went as well as could be expected and gave you some sort of comfort

Blue how are you doing?

AFM I have got the 3 hour glucose tolerance test on Wednesday, and the obstet has given me a "diet" to follow for the 3 days beforehand which includes lots of carbohydrates. Cant understand why I would want to stock up on the things that surely will put me over on the test and when I look on Dr Google there is so much conflicting advice, some say DO follow the carbo-loading advice, some say dont as you are "rigging" the test! Really confused, has anyone done the test and been given the same advice?

Waves to Betty, Earth, Owl and anyone lurking x

Thanks for that MissA i feel a bit more positive now :) glad your coldsore is healing too. I had the glucose tolerance test with both Brian and Ben and was only told to fast from a certain time the night before but i could have water. Wasn't given any special instructions regarding "diet" for the days beforehand though. Sorry, not been much help there :(

Waves to all xx

Hi everyone. I can't believe I'm writing this but I lost my first born son on 1st August just gone - I was only 25+3 and he was just too small to survive. He lived for 10 hours and then died in our arms.

My waters burst after days of having contractions and due to him being breech I was taken for an emergency c-section. This was an awful experience as I lost a lot of blood and passed out briefly. The pressure on my chest felt ridiculous and it was suffocating. Our little boy actually cried when he was born and we had hope for those first few hours.

I am feeling the lowest I have ever felt in my life and really cannot comprehend any sort of happiness ever again. I lost my mum 5 years ago and I remember feeling despair then... But this is different, this is like my whole world has ended. Like there's no hope.

I desperately crave the feeling of pregnancy again and the thought of having to wait for my physical scars to heal makes me cry. I know it's very early days but it feels like it's been months already. I'm so scared of the future, and sheer panic creeps over me every few minutes! Everything we have been dreaming of for the last 6 months has been taken from us so suddenly.

I have skimmed over this thread and it has shown me that there is a possibility of some hope being restored. You are all so brave.

Lady welcome and I am so, so sorry that you're here. You've been through a massive trauma and I hope that this group will offer you support, as we understand the horror of losing a child. Your sweet little boy sounds utterly amazing and I am glad that you had some hours with him although desperately sorry that he isn't with you now. My son (who was born full term by EMCS in January but died due to a velamentous cord insertion rupture) survived for 20 hours and that brief time we had with him was incredibly precious. All your baby will have known in his life is love. But I know that he ought to be here with you.

I also understand the desperate need to be pregnant again, the craving for your baby that was taken from you, and the complicated but deep longing for a second baby to fill your arms and put a patch on your broken heart. What can I say other than it sucks. I'm so sorry you're going through it, and we'll be here to hold your hand.

kayleigh sorry - I don't know about periods (mine are totally irregular and crazy) - but that does sound promising.

Love to everyone else.

Hello Lady, welcome here, and I am so sorry for the loss of your son. It's a truly awful feeling to hold your child as they die, knowing that all you can do for them is cuddle them close and talk to them so that they feel safe as they go. These first few weeks are really tough - I found being immediately post-c-section very hard, as my body was a constant physical reminder of what had happened. It did get a little easier emotionally as my body started to heal - I hope that is the case for you.

Lady welcome, so very sorry for the awful loss of your son. You're right, it's very early days, so be kind to yourself. My son Ben was stillborn in April at 34+1 (i'd had a placental rupture). Like you i had the immediate urge to try again, but had to wait on test results, and honestly looking back it was for the best as i feel stronger now than i did before. As Critter said- we're all here for you x

And thank you Critter keeping my fingers crossed x

Thank you for your kind words. And for sharing your traumatic experiences. Such a cruel world

I wish I could hibernate for a year or two.

Lady, so so sorry for your loss, as others have said it is still very early days for you. Unfortunately we can all relate to how you are feeling, please feel free to vent here. I was also like you and felt the need to get pg as soon as possible, I know others can go the other way. I hope you have a good support system in RL x

Missa, I have tried all of that and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't whih makes me panic even more (I am only just over 20 weeks ) Think I need to speak to my midwife as it is getting worse, if he doesn't move for 10 mins I go into panic mode!!! I know, I'm nuts!

Waves to everyone x

Ducky you're not nuts, your worrying is perfectly understandable x

Hello Lady, I'm so sorry to hear about your precious baby boy. You have been so brave to post here in these truly horrific early days. I know that feeling that you can't go on (and don't want to) all too well and I'm so sorry that you have to go through this and that your gorgeous boy isn't safely tucked up in your arms now.

My first baby was stillborn at 27+2 in Sept 2012. He died due to excessive cord coiling. I felt like my life was over and I wanted to die so I could be with him. I don't really know how I am still here,wonderful husband, family and counsellor who just made me keep putting one foot in front of the other. I have been truly blessed with another little boy who was born in March this year, he has brought joy back into my life and I feel like I am living again, rather than a spectator. My grief for my firstborn will always be with me, but I am learning how to live with it.

Someone from my local sands group one described the pain as like a hole punched through glass, the hole will always be there and the same size but the shards of glass around the edge get softer with time.

I really hope you have RL support as it is invaluable, but we are all here for you. Keep talking if you feel it helps.

Kayleigh-sounds positive!

Ducky, I'm sorry you're struggling. Did you get a doppler? Sounds like a chat with your midwife is a good idea.

MissA-I had the GTT but like Kayleigh, just had to fast before, not carb load! I guess you just have to go with it and see what happens.

lady Oh sweetheart. I felt exactly like you describe and in fact I am still hibernating seven months on. I wanted to just sleep through this terrible part of my life, to be unconscious for the amount of time it would take until I could stop feeling so much pain. It is excruciating, and yet you have no choice but to keep going. So there's no real advice I can give, but things that got me through the awful early days were knitting things for a future baby (I find it super calming) and holing myself up with my husband watching terrible crappy TV.

The 'glow in the woods' website can be helpful too, if you google it, it has other women who've lost their babies. Although at first I didn't want to be around anyone who was as sad as I was. I didn't want to be part of this devastated and shellshocked club of women who've experienced this trauma. But eventually it did make me feel less alone.

Keep talking to us. Sending you so so much love and strength.

Hi Lady, I'm thinking of you x

Lady like the other ladies I am so sorry that you find yourself on here. It wasn't meant to be like this was it? Although everyone knows that awful things happen, nothing ever prepares you for it being you it has happened to does it?

As Ducky said its still incredibly early days for you, so congratulations that you are standing, breathing in and out and able to operate technology! You are doing well, when the world has collapsed under you basic functions are an enormous achievement!

We lost our little girl 'H' at 40+2 last July after an entirely healthy and uneventful pregnancy she just stopped moving. We were told it was infection at the PM meeting. We are now 33 + 3 with our rainbow.

I hope you have lots of real life support, you will probably find that you get the kindest most comforting words from the most unexpected places and the people you would expect to be your 'rocks' may be completely unable to support you.

Remember that there is nothing that you can say on this thread that will shock us! We have all heard, thought or felt it before so feel free to vent!

Kayleigh I'm no expert on periods but it certainly sounds promising and that like things are starting to rebalance themselves!

Ducky You're not a nutter! We did buy a Doppler and got a lot of comfort out of it in the early days. I find now it makes me feel more anxious but everyone is different. This from the woman who has been to my home maternity Triage unit 4 times, a triage in cornwall whilst on holiday once and the triage at the hospital where I work twice so far this pregnancy! At least I'm spreading it bout a bit!

MissA Sorry I don't know much about the longer GTT. I've had the short one with both pregnancies where you have to fast but not the one you are having. Hope all else is going well and the days are being kind to you.

AFM we have 31 days to go till induction! I actually find it comforting to think of it in terms of days it sounds closer than 4 weeks! So far my preparation for this little one consists of buying 3 sleep suits, some vests and a bath thermometer. We have all the stuff we had for 'H' in the cupboard but can't bring ourselves to get it out!

Waves to Earth, Blue, ATM and Critter and anyone I've missed x

Thanks Ruby as i said keeping fingers crossed but not getting hopes up this time. I too think in days rather than weeks when counting down to something, and it does sound closer for some reason.

Waves to all xx

Lady a belated welcome to our little thread, I'm so very sorry you find yourselves with us and that you lost your precious son. You have just had one of the most horrific experiences in life, nothing prepares you for this and there are no hard and fast rules for how to get through it I'm afraid. Well done for taking the postive step of telling us your story and sharing your grief, we all know firsthand how you feel and are thinking of you. We lost our little girl at 35 week on Xmas eve 2012 after TTC for 8 years, and I actually DID hibernate for about a year, until we started TTC again. I think we all need different things, some need to be around people and keep busy, some just to hide away and "lick our wounds" as they say. In the first few weeks I was staying in bed most of the day, not speaking to anyone, even personal hygiene went out the window for a short time. Like you I had a c-section so had to wait for physical things to heal, I am now lucky enough to be 24 weeks with our rainbow. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, every hour/day/week you get through brings you a little closer to healing and being able to try again, if thats what you decide to do. Try and surround yourself with caring, supportive people, and stay away from those who arent, at least until you feel stronger. ((hugs))

Ducky you are definitely NOT nuts! It would not be normal to just sail through a rainbow pregnancy with no anxiety, so dont even think that. Try to remember you ARE only 20 weeks and some women havent even started to feel their baby at that time, let alone felt a pattern. If you need to go see your MW every day, so be it and if she doesnt like it then she shouldnt be in a caring profession.

Rubyoh my goodness how come other people's pregnancies seem to go by so quickly and our own so slowly?! 33+3 already my stomach is lurching for you! I agree now you can break down the time into days, even chunks of hours. We havent bought anything yet, and a few pèople have asked me what they can buy and I've said please dont buy anything until after he's born. Probably sounds horribly pessimistic (and ungrateful) but I just cant help it.

AFM I seem to lurch between two states of mind, neither very healthy or optimistic. The first one is total acceptance that something bad is going to happen, and that we are definitely going to lose our little boy sooner or later. In a strange way its easier as I just tell myself that there is nothing I can do so there is no point worrying about it. I even sometimes find myself thinking that I wish it would just hurry up and happen and get it over and done with (how mad is that?) The other mindset is just total and utter panic, I dont even need a period of reduced movements to set me off its just there under the surface constantly. Most of the time its coming out as anger/rage, any tiny thing sets me off, even had a go at the boy on the ticket desk at the cinema this weekend, he looked scared poor lad. Even DH stepped back and "hid" when I was in full flow, the coward!

Waves to everyone else x

Thanks for all the advice guys I haven't tried a Doppler as I thought it might panic me more!

Hope everyone is doing ok (as they can be) sorry not to name check, I can only use the app

Welcome to the thread lady I'm so sorry to hear about your little boy. I hope this thread helps a little, especially in not feeling alone in your grief & in putting one foot in front of the other & keeping going. Please tell us more about your son if you would like to, or how you're feeling if it helps. Or just lurk - we all seem to lurk more when we're finding things hard. I lost my little boy in April last year at 36weeks due to a placental abruption. I'm now 30weeks with a little girl who I hope will be my rainbow, but I'm very nervous and have the same feelings other posters have mentioned about worrying it'll go wrong again.

ducky I went to get checked so many times from 17weeks when we first started telling people (even now, talking about pg or people saying congrats seems to trigger me off). Right now I've managed a week without being checked, but I've been debating it this evening - even tho movements have been fine - it's just so hard to deal with the anxiety. Around 20wks was v hard as at times I felt a fair bit of movement but then quite long time periods of nothing, or uncertain (was I imagining that or not?) etc. They can definitely hide at that point! I've actually been referred to the psychologist at the hospital as they have a special service for people like us - I figure if they do, then I may as well use it, even if it only helps a bit, and also the fact that it's recognised officially that this is bloody difficult makes me feel better in itself. Hope you're doing ok at the moment.

ruby I'm glad it's not just me, I actually set off from our holiday cottage to get checked (we deliberately didn't go far away) - thankfully she started disco dancing on the way. And although I haven't counted I think I might have had even more visits than you! Can't believe you've only got 31days to go! Wow :) what have/are you doing about packing a hospital bag? I just can't bring myself to do it, I'm thinking of getting dh to. I've packed one for me, as I figure I'll need it either way, I did that after getting checked at night once. But the stuff for a baby... Can't let my thoughts go there, it sparks off the what ifs again.

missalex I know what you mean about other people's pgs going quicker - you seem to me to have got to 24weeks so quickly!! I relate to the 2states of mind too. And being quick to get angry because of the underlying constant fear. I was thinking yesterday that I'm doing that, and I only used to do that when I was really stressed at work. This stress is worse, I don't feel I can stop monitoring & analysing how I feel no matter what else I should be doing. It's exhausting tbh.

Waves &hugs to atm, critter, betty, earth, tulip, kayleigh, madem, anyone I've missed or lurking. It's so sad there are so many of us who need this thread.

Evening all and a big sad welcome, lady. I am so, so sorry that you are here on this thread but glad you have found it. I used to be the 'newbie' on here and for some kind of very odd reason, just assumed that I always would be, that somehow, our baby dying would put an end to other babies dying, because surely it was enough. I know it doesn't make any sense rationally - but it just affected me a lot more than I thought it would to read about your beautiful baby boy and the heartache you are going through. That you are going through the raw, heart ripped open pain of it all right now. I am so sorry that you lost him. We are all here for you and welcoming you with an open heart and open arms, full of love and comfort. The ladies on here are truly amazing and this thread has been my lifeline since our baby died on July 15th. I had a TFMR at 15 weeks - so I know what we are going through is different and my pain is probably nothing at all compared to what you are all going through...I don't know. I just feel like I need to apologise because it doesn't seem quite as awful on a scale of sheer awfulness. Yet another slightly irrational thought. Anyway - I'm waffling. You, your husband and your beautiful baby boy will be in my prayers tonight and please know that we are thinking of you and there for you.

I typed out a long message earlier but it seems to not have posted. I am sorry of this message is a bit waffly - I am mentally and physically exhausted after this weekend. We buried G's ashes under a beautiful cherry tree we planted especially for him/her. It was both helpful and hard to have family present; it made our grief take on a wider scope, when until now, we had been coping on our own. I didn't want to share it initially but had to admit that they are grieving too. I promised a friend with a newborn baby that I would come and help her a little today but I just couldn't do it - for some reason it seemed ok before but since we buried G, the thought of a newborn baby makes me gag and the idea that I might get pregnant again feels me with utter, gut wrenching dread, even though it seems to be the only thing I want.

Big hugs and love to ATM , Critter , Earth , kayleigh , MissA , Blue , Ducky, Ruby and anyone I might have forgotten.

Blue, I will ask at the hospital, thank you

M, your service sounds lovely. I can completely understand you not wanting to go and help your friend, you have just buried your baby's ashes and that takes a lot to get through, take your time and don't try and push yourself into anything you don't feel comfortable with. I'm sure your friend will understand. I found a few of my friends who have young babies seemed to think they were helping me by trying to shove their babies in my face after we lost dd, they really thought they were doing good, infact it was the last thing I wanted and it made me feel a whole lot worse.

"Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for those who love with heart and soul there is no such thing as separation." Rumi

Ducky , thank you for your response. Thankfully, she is a very kind and loving friend who would never, ever want to hurt me or shove a baby into my face to help - thank god! How on earth do people think this might help? She is just going through the normal wobbles of being a first time mum and is suffering from the sleep deprivation, worries about bfeeding etc. - all the normal worries. I guess before we buried G, I felt I could help her well because having a child myself, I know that the newborn stage is soooo hard and I wanted to feel useful. Now I feel too sad and tired to provide the help. I also respect that, even though I would give anything to face the difficulties she is facing now but have a healthy, live baby, she really does deserve the company of someone who can be truly helpful to her. I know that she would just end up having to help me, and I don't feel that it would be fair on her right now.

I am waffling again.

I hope you are all getting on as well as one could hope. Special thoughts for Lady and anyone having a tough time right now x