Angels and Rainbows-remembering our angels and hoping for rainbows

[Star0909]

New thread ladies. Come in here for support.

Ruby, Sunday sounds like it was lovely, and I love the tree idea

Earth I'm 19 weeks now, ages to go yet! Don't know how il cope!!!

X

Ducky, hopefully it will get easier as a pattern starts to emerge. My consultant said don't expect a pattern until about 27 weeks, but I think I had a pattern at about 24 weeks both times (although with F I wasn't monitoring that closely because in my naivety it never occurred to me that anything could go wrong).

Thanks earth, I know I'm being silly when I get myself in a panic and the mw's have been great about it, they have told me I wot see a pattern until around 24 weeks but still have come out/got me an appt every time, that's when they will start monitoring me very closely as they beleive we lost dd around 28 weeks but it wasn't picked up until 31

missalex oh no, please don't let me make you worry more! A few weeks ago I certainly didn't feel this much movement - I was checked out so many times for not having felt anything at all all day despite lying down as much as I could between 17&24wks (I'm sure I'm putting on so much weight this pg from all the lying down & eating/drinking something sugary). The last maybe 3 or 4weeks (I'm nearly 29wks now) there's been quite a lot more to feel & some of the time really reassuringly big elbowy movements. Which is great when it happens, but she also has a long quiet period at some random point each day which if I've also been active before it means I can go ages without feeling anything definite. When I got checked last week I'd been lying down for an hour, after 2 previous fairly quiet hrs & just couldn't hold the anxiety together any more (even tho I knew it was within what is normal atm for her iyswim). And then the ctg showed a very wriggly baby, which they kept commenting on being particularly active! I did find being monitored very reassuring tho, more than with the growth scans actually, and I've had a bit more confidence since then that the 'are they aren't they' movements actually are - because they fitted with the blips that the monitor made so I wasn't just imagining them/getting confused by wind etc! Very sorry to have given you something else to worry about when it's actually my own paranoia! Xx

ducky no advice but your posts are exactly echoing where I was at a few weeks ago. Got checked so many times, even knowing movement isn't regular at that stage, and thinking how on earth do I keep this together for x more weeks. The only thing that helps even a little bit is, like earth said thinking 'its ok right now' type thoughts. Bit like getting through the grief, dealing with each moment at a time (& not thinking about tomorrow or the next day). The downside of that is that I have been feeling under pressure from some people to plan things, and I find that makes things so much harder than letting the days drift a bit. But obviously not everyone understands the 'one day, one hour at a time' thing.

earth the scan was fine, sort of... Well they think its fine anyway, so I've not got another for 3weeks. But the femur length was ever so slightly small (realistically we're talking a mm, so I'm clearly being silly) but small femurs were the only sign anything was wrong with E's growth, they weren't worried about it & it all went wrong before the next scan to monitor his growth... So obviously I'm not actually reassured in any way!

ruby I'm glad Sunday was peaceful, it's so hard getting through these significant dates isn't it. I'm sorry you didn't have the acknowledgement from people who should be there for you - I have that prob too, and I know they 'just don't want to upset me' etc but don't understand that not saying anything is actually so upsetting, like they've forgotten my son existed :(. Well done for getting through it. And pleased you have a date! As you say, it's easier to let the time drift a bit sometimes, hope you're able to do that a bit over the next few weeks x

kayleigh, hope you're either feeling better or there's the reason for it we're all crossing our fingers for.

madem, hope you're feeling ok physically and glad you're able to start ttc whenever you feel ready to.

Waves to anyone I've missed x

H's birthday sounds beautiful Ruby and the lantern sounds like a lovely idea.

Still no AF here, the odd twinge that makes me think it's starting but nothing as of yet. Trying not to overthink it all to be honest, as my mum's reaction when i mentioned about working out dates wasn't particularly good :(

Waves to all x

Kayleigh you're right its probably best to try and not overthink things...you just relax and we'll do the worrying for you . Why was your Mums reaction not good, doesnt she agree with you TTC or does she think its too early or something?

Mademoiselle thankyou yes we are soooo happy about the food news the past two weeks have been a nightmare, DH took a week off work and we planned on trying to chill out a bit and not obsess but all we managed was being at each others throats constantly which made things even worse! Hope your return to "normality" is as smooth as it can be. Dont rush into any decisions about burying/scattering G's ashes, I would think you need time to regroup a bit before making important decisions?

Ducky we too had a bit of a wobble when we found out we are having a boy, but we're loving the idea now and I think everything being so different to A will make it "easier" (hesitate to use that word but ykwim). I definietly wouldnt take notice of people telling you to get rid of your DDs things, in the future it may give you some comfort to have kept them and there is always time to get rid of them if thats what you decide eventually. When I feel able to I'm going to buy a lovely big box and put A's stuff in there, sort of a memory box for her with photos, scans etc. I am a month ahead of you and still havent felt any sort of pattern with the movements!

Ruby haha I think 24 hours peace of mind is stretching it a bit Wow you finally have a date, bet it doesnt feel real does it? Are you all ready? I dont think I'm going to be capable of preparing anything. Feel so disappointed for you that your parents didnt "remembered" H's birthday, this whole thing does seem to bring out the best or worst in people doesnt it? I'm glad you and DH were able to mark it in gentle and peaceful way.

Earth Sorry to hear your MIL did the disappearing act too on F's birthday, it makes me so angry. There really is no excuse, even if someone cant manage a face-to-face conversation there is always text messages, even a short "thinking of you" would be better than nothing! Will be thinking of you tomorrow - hope it goes as well as it can and youre happy with it.

Blue dont worry I most definitely would have been worrying about movements whether I read your post or not x Dont forget, I am a fully-paid member of the CW Club like you! Its reassuring to know that at 23 weeks you werent having a regular pattern either. Now I can actually see my bump move when he moves and DH has finally been able to feel him from the outside which is lovely, but some of them feel so strong that I feel there should be some daily pattern too . Had a horrid nightmare last night (yes I get flashbacks too) and when I woke up all scared and heart racing it felt like the baby had experienced the nightmare too, he was kicking/punching/rolling like mad. I did deep breathing for a few mins and we both calmed down, he must have felt the adrenaline? Glad youre a bit more confident re: movements now, and hope that at your next scan the femur length has normalized, although I know it will be on your mind until then and no youre not being silly for worrying!

AFM Having 2nd trimester blood tests on Wednesday which includes that horrid O'Sullivan test where you have to drink sugary gloopy stuff and have blood taken 3 times. I have to go on an empty stomach and I remember when I had it done with A I almost fainted and threw up at the same time, yuk! Also having the 24 hour urine test where I have to do all my wees in a big pot and hand them in for testing, think its for protein/preeclampsia? Is anyone else having that done? I'm wondering why she's prescribed it as with A I didnt have it...

Waves to everyone I've missed xx

MissA my mum's health hasn't been good for a long time, and she's recently had another setback due to some tests not being conclusive. As i'm the only child i usually bear the brunt from her as she usually sees everything very negatively. One of my close friends thinks my mum probably had a negative reaction because she's worried i'll get my hopes up then be disappointed, which i can understand. My way of thinking at the moment is if AF doesn't arrive, it's good, but also if it does arrive at least next month i'll have a better chance at tracking my cycle, so realistically that's also good. Good grief i hope that makes some sort of sense to you ladies!

Is the O'Sullivan test the same as the gestational diabetes blood tests- you have bloods taken, drink the drink and then have more bloods taken 2 hours later?

Waves to all xx

Hi MissA, I had every test going last time, even if I didn't fit the risk criteria for it. Midwife took the approach of "may as well cover all the bases" so I'm sure that's what they are doing for you too. So lovely that your DH has felt the movement too now, that's such a special time.

Kayleigh, I'm sorry to hear your mum hasn't been well. I hope the friend is right and she just reacted poorly because she is worried about you. I'm an only too, it's hard work sometimes isn't it!

Blue, sorry the scan didn't provide the reassurance you were hoping for. It's such a scary time isn't it? And you can't help but compare and pick everything apart looking for the sign that means everything will go wrong. I'm guessing the hospital weren't worried about the femur length? I know not everything always grows at the same rate so I'll keep everything crossed that it is a bit more in proportion at the next scan x

Thank you Earth it's been hard being the only child since mum's heart problems began (she had her first heart attack in 2004, and has a cardiac pacemaker fitted afterwards, then another heart attack in 2012 followed by open heart surgery in 2013, and a full pacemaker change in May this year) and it would have been nice to have someone to share the worry, especially since my darling stepfather doesn't mange well on his own when my mum's in hospital.

Blue hoping your next scan give you a bit more reassurance

Waves to all xx

Kayleigh so sorry to hear about your Mums health, so much more pressure and worry for you to bear on top of everything else. And being an only child must be so hard when parents are poorly. Like your friend says she's probably just scared that you will be let down if things dont work out as hoped. But my fingers are tightly crossed for you! Yes I think the O'Sullivan test is for GD. I just wish I didnt have to fast before having it as I still vomit at the drop of a hat, but the doc has asked for some other test that needs fasting so no luck there.

Earth at my last visit I demanded to know why I havent had one single wee test the whole pregnancy and I'm already almost 6 months, I thought you were supposed to have one of those dip-tests every visit? She said that protocols have changed and its not considered necessary any more anyway maybe she's just making up for that?
Did you go to see F's stone? Is it as you wanted?

Blue I had a look at the measurements on some of our scans and some of them are over, some of them are under (for gestational age) but I know we asked and they said thats normal, thats things will grow to proportion further on. Like Earth says, if the hospital havent mentioned it I would try not to worry too much (although I know you will !)

Waves to everyone else x

I found the fasting tests hard MissA, but like you i had to do it as there's diabetes in my immediate family so they need to rule it out when i'm PG. At least i have good veins that don't mind having needles stuck in them haha xx

Thank you MissA, yes we did go and see it. It is a lovely workshop out in the countryside and they do other things as well as memorials. The stone is really beautiful, even nicer than I had imagined, but it is all just so heartbreakingly sad.

Hi ladies - am new here and it's taken a bit of courage to get on a message board and post.

I suffered a loss 20 weeks in (TFMR - trisomy 18) and it's been 3 months since. Just started TTC last cycle and feeling daunted by how overwhelming this all feels. When we started TTC last year in Dec, I was still getting used to the idea of pregnancy and now I want it more than ever. The loss has been brutal emotionally, as it was to be our first.

I'm 33 and while I wasnt worried about this when we first started TTC, now that I've had a difficult experience I'm suddenly panicking about my age. It didnt take us too long to conceive the first time but I'm terrified it's going to be a long wait this time and suddenly really anxious about having left it till i was 33!

Any moral support really appreciated...

We're also moving house in 2 weeks! (anyone from Esher here?) A lot going on! aaaaaah...

Hi moonlight, so sorry you found yourself here. Unfortunately I have heard a lot of trisomy 18 recently 2 of DH's family's friends have recently lost children to it.

I hope you find comfort from this thread like I have. And I hope your TTC journey isn't too difficult on you

Also... anyone here from Esher/Cobham/Claygate in Surrey? We're moving to Hinchley wood in two weeks and I don't know a soul. We've been living in Wimbledon for the past 3 years and my closest pal has been 10 mins away.

It would be lovely to connect with some great ladies in the area for a chat, a cuppa or just some tips about the area. If you've got a pal who lives locally, happy to be introduced.

Am a former business journalist now working for a tech company as their comms head. Very friendly, warm and would really like to make some gal pals in my new area. Feeling nervous about the house move and all these changes, especially in light of TTC at the moment!

Thanks Ducky23, that's kind of you. I hope the moral support that comes from this thread will keep us all going at a very trying time...

Hi moonlight so very sorry you find yourself here. I hope you find as much comfort and support here as i have.

Well, ladies, it's half-past 3 in the morning, and my insomnia's decided to kick in again- oh the joys :(

Hi moonlight, I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I hope we can support you and that your ttc journey is a short one.

Kayleigh, I can't sleep either! It's 5.25, probably not much point in trying to go back to sleep anyway now.

Welcome Moonlight, I'm sorry for your loss. I'm also (almost) in the first cycle of trying to conceive after a loss - we had to wait three months which have passed, and am now just waiting on AF so we can get started. (It is taking a while coming - now on about 50 days since last period but pregnancy tests all negative - anyone else's body doing this to them?) I mainly lurk, but have found it very comforting reading about other people's rainbow pregnancies on here.

Yesterday we received the results of the hospital inquiry into our baby's death. It appears that several things weren't carried out as they should have been; i.e. I should have been seen more quickly in Triage and crucially, once an abruption had been diagnosed I should have been delivered immediately while my baby still had a normal heartbeat, instead of waiting for a scan, which lost us 20 minutes and meant that she had no heartbeat when she was born. Really not sure what to do with this information - until now I had genuinely thought that everything that could have been done had been done. Now it turns out that my baby need not necessarily have died - they were short staffed on a bank holiday. I feel like I can't trust medical professionals anymore. (It doesn't help that I also had a mildly mismanaged labour in the same hospital with DD1, also due to low staffing levels, although since she is now a healthy two year old that bothers me less than it used to). Worries me with regards to care in a future pregnancy, as this is the only hospital within a realistic distance from where we are.

Hope those with insomnia managed to get some sleep, are you guys like me, you only get it in the morning?

Betty, that must have been difficult to hear, with dd, she possibly could have survived if the midwife has listened and got me a scan the million times I told her I had reduced movements that's nothing compared to what you went through though I was expecting something big from the pm results but as a lot of people on here said, I just kind of felt a bit shrugged off and deflated after as I had built myself up to it. Did they treat you ok at the appt? A lot of people on here have unfortunately encountered rude staff at these things, I hope you didn't.

I have my 20 week scan today. Terrified

Betty I'm so sorry, that must have been incredibly difficult to hear, have they made any suggestions or reassurances as to future care? If not, then can you speak to the PALS office? I can understand why you would feel nervous about using that hospital again.

Do you feel it was negligence or a tragic mistake? I think I'm right in saying MissA's daughter died due to negligence. Sending you hugs x

Ducky, good luck today, we'll all be with you in that waiting room holding your hand and glaring at staff who date to run late. Let us know how it goes x

Moonlight so very sorry to hear about your little one, this thread is a good place when you need a shoulder to cry on or just a rant about how unfair life has been. Dont worry about being too old for TTC, I was older than you before I realised that I even wanted children. Nowadays there is so much medicine/science can do to help things along if they dont happen "naturally". Your loss is so recent, maybe best to give yourselves/your body some time, although we all know the desperate need to be pregnant again, just dont pressure yourself if it doesnt happen immediately. Just moving house/changing area is a major upheaval in itself - so be gentle on yourself. If I were you I would also post on other reads for the making friends part

Ducky thinking of you today, hope everything goes perfectly and you get lots of reassurance!

Kayleigh your wake-up time is 20 mins before mine - every day at 3.50am my eyes pop open! At the hospital where I have my bloods done they put this little "tap" thing in your arm so they dont have to stick you three times, all they have to do is open the tap and the blood flows, and they take tons of vials. Makes me queasy to watch, yuk.

Earth so glad you are happy with the stone. Of course a headstone for your child can not make you "happy" but you know what I mean

Betty I know firsthand the gutwrenchingly awful feeling of discovering things were not done correctly and maybe you would have your little one with you now if people had just acted differently. We lost our little girl just before Christmas and of course all the staff were concentrating on their upcoming happy holidays and not on what they should have been. Really hard to know what to do, we spent many months and a lot of money on lawyers/specialists to get an idea of whether we could take it any further. In the end the opinion was there had without a doubt been negligence, but as the hospital doctored reports and withheld others we would not be able to prove it and we were looking at a long-drawn-out fight with a major (private) hospital with very little chance of winning. If they had given us a reasonable chance we were totally decided to press charges, it felt like some sort of justice for A and also we wanted to help avoid it happening again to any other parents. We were warned though, that even with plenty of proof and a high probabality of success that it would be a very long and painful process. Such a personal decision, make sure you get lots of support before deciding. And I would definitely try and change hospitals if at all possible after having two such negative experiences there.

Waves to Critter, ATM, Blue, Ruby, Mademoiselle and anyone I am forgetting x

Betty so sorry about the inquiry results, i can't imagine how difficult that would have been for you, and can understand why you'd feel nervous about using the same hospital in the future.

Good luck with your scan Ducky. I finally dozed off sometime after 5.15, but was up at 8 so not sure it was even worth it. I get insomnia quite a bit, it started when i was PG with Ben but has carried on since. Usually i go to bed but my mind won't switch off, so i end up getting up so i don't disturb everyone else.

Waves to all xx

Just very quickly checking in to say betty so sorry to hear about the results. It is impossibly painful to think that something could have been done that wasn't. Those 'what ifs' are just the absolute worst. Tight squeeze.

moonlight welcome and so sorry you find yourself here.

Love and waves to everyone else. Thinking of you all.