Angels and Rainbows-remembering our angels and hoping for rainbows

[Star0909]

New thread ladies. Come in here for support.

Thanks Ducky, Earth, MissA, Kayleigh and Critter. We were just surprised to see that the hospital virtually 'admitted' that they failed to do everything that they should have done. It did make us think about pursuing legal action (the neonatal consultant at the tertiary unit that DD was transferred to seemed to this this might be an option when we saw her a few weeks ago - she brought it up without us even mentioning it), but I'm not sure what the real point would be.I don't really feel any sense of vindictiveness towards the hospital or towards the doctor that failed to send me for a section immediately; I've accepted that the low staffing levels are the inevitable result of insufficient funding, and that the doctor just made a bad call at the end of a long and understaffed bank holiday shift. We've all made bad decisions at work and doctors are only human. The idea of making money out of our baby's death sits with us badly as well. We'll probably think on it for a few weeks before deciding what route to take.

MissA, it was interesting and useful to hear about your experiences of deciding whether or not to press charges.

Ducky, we had already met with a very nice consultant six weeks after our baby's death, she talked us through what had happened and reassured us that we would have platinum-plated care in a subsequent pregnancy with as many scans and monitoring as I would like. Which made us think that we would use that hospital in a subsequent pregnancy, despite two negative experiences there. I do think that the hospital had handled the aftermath very well, and we haven't felt dismissed or patronised in any way. And good luck with your scan today - how did it go?

Earth, I'm not sure whether I would call it negligence or a tragic mistake - possibly both? It seems such a fine distinction between the two.

Hugs all round x

Betty - I totally understand and think that is very gracious of you.

For what it's worth - our midwife told us to 'wait and see' when I called and told her I'd lost half a pint of blood in the loo. We did that, waited 40 mins, couldn't feel the baby and called back saying we wanted to come in 'just in case' and she was a bit iffy about it, saying 'well it won't be a short pop in, when you come into hospital it's usually a long process' etc.

After our baby was delivered (which happened very quickly once they heard his heartbeat was 90) and it became clear he was dying, she was absolutely devastated and I got the impression that she knew she'd screwed up. She looked absolutely white. She did say something when we came back for our 2 week postpartum check about being 'glad we weren't blaming anyone'. She had only been qualified a couple of years and clearly was just inexperienced. Hopefully our baby's death will have made her a better midwife and next time someone rings with heavy bleeding, she'll know to call an ambulance immediately.

In our case, the best case scenario would have probably been a baby with cerebral palsy. I would rather have my son alive with cerebral palsy than dead, but I also feel like you do - to some extent, everyone makes mistakes at work, it's just for doctors and midwives, there are life and death consequences. I was more annoyed with her boss, who didn't come and see me for three days despite knowing what had happened and me being a patient under her care. And the feeling that there was some kind of 'philosophy of natural birth' that was more important than getting the baby out alive and healthy.

But it is all SO SO excruciatingly painful, I know. And everyone has completely different situations and makes different decisions, and all of them are completely valid. I think sitting on it is a good thing to do. This will all be going round and round in your head anyway. Just wanted to give you a hug. We are here whenever you want to chat, cry, rage (I get the rages for sure!). Love to you and your DH.

Hi guys,

Just a quick update, the scan went well everything was looking good.

Thank you all for your support x

Am now stressing as all this 'extra care' the hospital promised has gone out the window. They don't think I need any extra scans and I don't need to see a consultant. Am currently starting a war with the hospital now and am having to fight for everything I was promised a bit gutted they decided this now as I am coming up to the stage where something went wrong with dd so anxiety levels are at a high

MissA i hadn't actually woken up at 3.30, i'd been in bed trying to sleep for 2 hours to no avail.

Ducky glad your scan went well, but sorry to hear you're now having to fight for the extra care you were promised. As you say you're coming up to an anxious stage, you would think healthcare professionals would understand that. I hope the hospital can sort it all out for you asap.

Well, i thought AF was arriving (due to some strange icky stuff when i had been to the loo) so i put a pad in my underwear as we went up to visit Ben, but on returning home the pad was still unmarked. Very confused now.

Waves to all xx

Ducky so pleased your scan went well! Doesnt sound like you got your 24 hours of peace of mind though, cant understand how all the promises they made you of extra care have now been forgotten and agree you should fight for anytihng you feel you need.

Kayleigh strange icky stuff could sound promising. Everything crossable crossed here.

Betty and Critter I am obviously a much more bitter person than either of you because a year and a half down the line I still dont feel like being the slightest bit gracious about what happened. I feel exactly the same amount of overwhelming rage and anger that they didnt do their jobs properly as in those first moments. From the nurses on the ward (I was already admitted to hospital) who practically told me to stop fussing about reduced movement for a whole day, to the midwife who didnt show up for many hours as there was "an emergency" (so WTF was mine??) to the doctor who didnt ask for the right tests to the consultant who scanned me and said all was fine, sent me home and told me to just to go see my regular doctor in a couple of weeks. They ALL let our daughter down, it was not just one person's mistake. And however many funding cuts there are, there is NO excuse for that, and I firmly believe that if nobody makes a noise about what happened they are quite capable of following exactly the same procedures again. I know mine is probably not a healthy attitude to what happened but it kills me that my daughters death has just become another stillbirth statistic to be brushed under the carpet I also would like to make very clear that at no point was "making money" out of our little girls death a factor in our wanting to take legal action. Hugs to you both

missa what an utterly horrific experience. I cannot believe that you had to go through that and were treated like that. I am SO sorry. That is awful. Unspeakably awful. And I think your response IS healthy and not bitter at all! It's not like you want to be angry! And of course you don't want to make money from your child's death! That is a ludicrous idea. Your feelings come from pure love, love for your child who has been failed, and who you would do anything to protect. Oh sweetheart. I am just so sorry.

I don't want to give the impression that I'm not angry. I am really angry! I get furious with unrelated things and people and am probably suppressing a lot of rage over my son's birth. Like I get angry about my husband's cousins who had babies 'easily', even though my child's death is nothing to do with them!

Betty, MissA and Critter, I'm so so sorry that the medical profession have failed you and your children, how totally horrific. MissA, I think if I were in your shoes I would feel the same, unspeakably angry. I agree that those responsible should be accountable, whether that be through legal action, disciplinary at work or a case review of "what would we do differently next time". The only positive thing that can possibly come of all this is that the same mistakes should not happen again. Heartbreakingly it is just too late for your babies and I can only imagine that must hurt like hell.

Ducky, so pleased that the scan went well, but how dare the hospital back track on what you were promised. I suggest camping outside the consultants office...!

Kayleigh-fingers crossed!

kayleigh icky stuff sounds promising indeed! Let's not all get super excited too late just in case bit I too have everything crossed!

MissA your situation just sounds horrendous. I am furious on your behalf that so many mistakes were made. How on earth is that even possible? It just really makes me a)be even more grateful for our dd who is in good health and b) more worried than I already was for subsequent pregnancies. I will be every maternity ward's NIGHTMARE and demand constant supervision!! Also not particularly reassured about what you are reporting Ducky - we too have been told that we can have mega super-dooper extra-tastic care following what happened but it sounds like this al goes out of the window once you actually need it? I am so sorry that you are not getting what you were promised. Kick up a fuss, it doesn't matter what they think: you and your baby are what matters most! But I am so glad all went well :)

Betty as the others have said, I am sorry to hear that it sounds as though a lot could have been done to avoid your baby's death. You are indeed reacting very bravely and kindly - much more so than I think I would!

I get so upset reading details about everyone's stories. Why? Why are we all here in the pain we are in? And Critter I felt a special pang of sadness when you mentioned that you'd rather have your son with CP than not at all - I know what you mean and I totally understand it. It just suddenly made me feel like a monster for deciding to end our baby's life because s/he would have been so severely disabled. I know it's different. But I guess you can probably all sort of understand where I am coming from - our circumstances certainly are all very different and despite feeling like my heart has been ripped open, I can still look at the facts rationally and understand that what I am going through cannot in any way be compared to a stillbirth or complications linked to negligence. (I don't think I am making sense - just typing out loud I guess).

A big warm welcome to Moonlight and sorry that you find yourself here. I am afraid I don't know anyone near where you are moving to, but as someone else suggested, it might be worth posting elsewhere too about it? I hope you are doing as ok as one could expect at this stage and sending you lots of love and kind thoughts.

AFM - we are back and reality hit me with a f*ing vengeance. Lots of lovely cards from thoughtful people but also just everything reminds me of being pregnant, baby G missing and all the rest of it. My SIL -who is just about 3 weeks more pg than I should have been- has also been posting pg pictures on FB and announced it is a girl. Of course I wish her a happy, healthy baby but I can't help but feel a pang of jealousy mixed in with other less gracious feelings: hatred, anger, envy and bile rising. ( Critter - I totally get you about your feelings towards your cousin!) I feel awful for feeling this way but right now I look at her and want to punch her. I hope this will ease soon - I am guessing as soon as I am pg myself?

Sorry for the long post. I am so grateful for you all (I sound proper soppy!) right now, even if I wish we had never had the misfortune of coming across each other x

:( betty I'm so sorry to hear your news, that must be a whole set of emotions to work through. I hope you're at least able to let go of the guilt for yourself now though, given that the hospital has admitted that its actually their fault. In making your decision, is it possible to find out whether taking it further might push for some changes at the hospital - either to poor practice or to enable increased staffing? Often in the NHS some good changes can come from very sad events, I've been aware of some professionally, and if you could make that happen it might help you emotionally too? Just an idea really, I think you need to do whatever helps you most.

duckypleased to hear all is ok atm, but sympathise on the having to push for what you now need, I'm experiencing some of that too. I've been on the phone to my cons secretary today as I've not actually seen him since the pm meeting. It's easy for people to say things beforehand but actually walking this path of a subsequent pregnancy you really need reassurance, and there seem to be so few people who actually understand it, even the professionals who should. Hope you're able to fight for what you need without it causing too much extra stress.

critter you sound so gracious too, even if you don't feel it. And from the sounds of that mw she will definitely have learned a very sad lesson without it needing to be pursued. Xx

kayleigh the 'gunk' sounds positive, am also crossing fingers for you

moonlight welcome to the thread, I'm sorry you need it though. I hope you find it helpful.

missalex I'm struck all over again by how much you've been through. ((Hugs)).

madem I'm sorry you've come back to reality and all it entails after your holiday. Must be especially hard with a pg relative at this time. None of us think you're a monster, I'm sure you know. Your situation was different but such a terrible position to be put in, and must share many of the emotions but more complicated in a way too. All of our situations are different, even the ones that sound similar, the bit that overlaps is our grief & love for our children.

Everyone who was awake in the night - half of us on this thread it seems - wish I'd checked in as I was awake too, worrying about movements. Again. Got checked out this morning. Again. I'm actually starting to annoy myself, and I think the mws are starting to think I'm over paranoid (well i am, but can't seem to do anything about it!). Were you like this too earth ? I'm worried if I go in too often they'll stop taking me seriously when there actually is a problem. Thing is, I don't know how to know whether there's a problem without going in to get checked!
I've given in and ordered a foetal monitor, even if it only helps a bit it's worth a try. I'm sooo knackered, and I need to be able to sleep rather than count movements in the night!!
Sorry for mammoth post again too. Waves to all lurking x

mademoiselle oh no I am so sorry honey - I am so sorry I upset you. I didn't mean to. If I was in your situation I would have done exactly the same thing and I think you were bloody brave to go through what you went through. You know it's also easy for me to say I would have done something or thought something in hindsight. Oh sweetheart I am so sorry to have caused a pang. . That was my last intention. Incidentally I have basically hidden on FB anyone who is pregnant or posts lots of baby photos apart from a select group (my friends from the 10 plusser thread and some other special mums). It really helps! I don't think it makes us horrible people, it just shows how desperately we miss our babies.

blue I think pregnancy after a loss just sucks and is unbelievably stressful and you are fully entitled to be nervous. I am so sorry this is so anxiety inducing. Massive hug.

kay I agree that yucky stuff sounds good! Maybe you're ovulating?

Waves and hugs to everyone else, sending love.

Oh Critter please don't worry! I just suddenly felt very bad, but rationally I totally know what you mean.

As for FB...you are going to laugh, but of course I have actually hidden her. I just masochistically go and specifically look for her pictures to torture myself...
We are also meant to be going to this biiiiig massive party organised by her dh every 2 years, basically a massive drunken treasure hunt for adults in the woods. It's a blast and I loved the last 2, but it's all going to be be about her and their wonderful news, and even if it's not, it's in September, so it's unlikely I'll be pg again by then (which would help me cope, mentally) and all I'll be thinking is: I should be looking like this, I should be pg like this. Throw alcohol into the mix and I think it sounds like a recipe for disaster but dh and his family are very keen for us to go. I am very torn.

Blue and all the other insomniacs (myself included), have you tried the Night time Bach's rescue remedy? It has a lot of valerian and I found it very powerful. I also spray lavender essential oils in the bedroom before I brush my teeth. Little rituals that help me find clam and peace. Mid-night wakings are a sure sign of anxiety and I suffered from them terribly at the start of the year. Nothing really worked for me apart from real sleeping pills so I do hope you all get to sleep better tonight. And Blue - I am not sure what to suggest other than: if you need to be reassured, then do what what will reassure you. I am sure the mw will tell you soon enough if they think you are being OTT, wouldn't they? Anyone would be exactly the same in your situation. ((hugs))

Hugs to everyone else too xx

Mademoiselle sorry your return home has been hard, i hope things improve day by day.

Blue i hope the monitor help a little. Someone asked me the other day if after Ben i'd get one, but i'm not sure it would help, as Ben was an active baby right until i'd gone to bed the night before the pains started.

Quick update-AF has landed :( i'm a bit gutted to be honest and there have been a few private tears as i was starting to think we'd got PG this time. However, it's only a day early this month so i'm thinking that's a good sign that things are settling in the right direction. Thank you all for sending good luck.

Waves to all xx

oh Kayleigh, sorry to hear that AF has arrived. Big hugs.

Mademoiselle, I'm so sorry that your return to reality has been so tough. I kind of laughed (in a hollow sad way) about you hunting out your SILs FB page. I do exactly the same thing with a girl I know who had a little boy when F was due. I haven't been able to see her at all since F died because every milestone for her little boy is one that mine isn't doing. It's hard.
If I were you I would avoid the party, but then I'm hugely antisocial since I lost F.

Blue-sorry you are struggling with the movement anxiety. Have you been recording the movements? I was often worried and then my DH would feel and say he was moving. The sonographer said it's quite normal for mums in our position to not feel the movement because we are so tense and worried. It's so tough not sleeping at night, it magnifies everything. I was very very anxious but I found noting down moments and my fears and anxieties helped a little bit. I had a Doppler which probably got used about once a week or so, but sometimes more.

I had scans every 3 weeks from 20 weeks and I went in for monitoring/extra scans 4 times on top of that. Basically, I only ever made it a max of 2 weeks between any kind of check up and sometimes that was a real struggle. During my 2 week period between check ups I saw a counsellor or my acupuncturist or emailed my midwife and consultant (and his secretary) along with speaking to the GP. Gosh, writing it all down I seem like some kind of obsessive lunatic! Does lying down and drinking something cold/sugary help with movements? Does it reassure you at all?
What is most important is that you go in when you are worried, they will all take you seriously and if they don't then kick up a fuss. They are there to make sure that your baby gets here safely and that includes reassuring you when you need it. I'm sure they have seen much more paranoid mums before, dot give them a second thought, do what you need to to get you through it x

Kayleigh, sorry that AF has arrived, we probably haven't helped with getting your hopes up, sorry. I know it's tough but the silver lining (even though it's a tiny sliver) is that now you know your dates for sure.

One other thought Blue, it might be a bit extreme but it depends how bad your anxiety and sleep deprviation is. Would your DH do a "shift" for you overnight and lie with his hand on your bump to feel for movements? Do you think you would be able to sleep if someone else was on the "look out" for a couple of hours?

Thank you ladies xx

kayleigh oh no, I am so sorry AF has arrived. It is horrible, the feeling of getting one's hopes up and then having them cruelly dashed. The hope is what keeps us going but it does make it hard. Thinking of you.

mademoiselle I would skip the party if it was me - can you do something with some other kind friends instead? You can go next year perhaps but for now you need to protect yourself. It is ok to not want to be around people who are pregnant right now, don't feel you have to seem fine about it. Good friends will understand.

I also wanted to apologise for saying anything that hurt anyone today - I can often be very clumsy in how I express myself and sadly my loss hasn't cured me of that tendency. I am completely mortified to think that anything I said made people feel worse than they already do. I'm so sorry everyone is suffering so much undeserved pain and I wish and hope I haven't added to that burden by being thoughtless.

Typed out a long answer last night but lost it…

MissA, your experience sounds horrific, a whole litany of inexcusable errors - you should feel bitter about all these multiple failings. (As should I, I suppose, and perhaps the bitterness will come later for me - at the moment I am really too exhausted and numbed to feel anything much). I would also like to apologise profusely if I offended you with my comment about making money - I mentioned it because I noticed that several people on the SANDS forum seemed to struggle with the way in which the legal system inevitably reduces everything down to money, even though the motivation for pursuing justice couldn't be further from that. I hope that I'm explaining myself well enough, and again, I'm really sorry if you took offence.

Ducky - good news on the scan, but awful that the hospital are backtracking on their promises. Good luck with your fight. I hope that you have found some ways of handling the anxiety. I could mention yoga, meditation, acupuncture etc, but you have probably thought of all that already.

Critter - thank you for sharing your experience - your attitude to the midwife that misadvised you is very generous. The doctor that dealt with us was also clearly devastated by what happened - I feel sorry for her more than anything else, and its pretty obvious that the next time she diagnoses a placental abruption the patient will be straight to theatre.

Thank Critter if i'm honest i'm thinking of stopping TTC as everything with my mum is causing me stress which won't help and it's unlikely my mum's ever going to help herself

Waves to all xx

Kayleigh so sorry to hear AF has appeared. Sounds like your life is very stressful at the moment, and youre right that wont help with TTC. I hope your Mums health improves soonx

Betty dont worry you didnt upset me with the money comment, I just wanted to make it clear. Like the people you mention on the Sands forum, we too were very uncomfortable about the idea of actually being given any compensation if we had won, and I think we would have ended up doing something altruistic with it, I just cant imagine keeping that money and spending it. I'm so sorry you had such a horrendous experience, and I hope you dont end up feeling as bitter as I do, it brings nothing good - only extra grief and negativity.

Critter there is no wonder you feel rage and anger after losing your son in such a terrible way, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. And yes I'm sure it manifests itself in many different forms, sometimes in things we probably dont even associate with our loss. I used to be quite a patient, pacific person but now my tolerance threshold is just about zero. Btw, I dont think your posts are clumsy at all.

Mademoiselle can imagine how hard it is to go back to "normal" life with all those reminders of G everywhere, and all you need are photos on FB of your pregnant SIL. Can understand the masochitistic sneaking a look at them though, I do the same to myself every week when "One Born Every Minute" is on, cant resist watching it. DH said to me last week "I just cant understand why you watch that" and of course I just blew my top, I suppose because really I dont understand either as its so painful to watch . Now I watch it on the laptop with earphones so he cant hear the screaming. Am completely sure nobody on here considers you a "monster" for taking the decision you did, and like someone said it must bring with it a whole new set of emotions to cope with, apart from grief over your loss. I definitely wouldnt go to the party, sounds like something that will be really difficult and if its not absolutely necessary why put yourself through it. And dont be pressured by anyone!

Blue had my GD glucose test thing yesterday, and I was laid there thinking of you. About 10 mins after I'd drunk the solution the baby started going wild, felt like there was a disco-dancing octopus in there and it lasted for a good half hour. So I was thinking... if you could get hold of that glucose drink, and only in a panic situation, maybe you could drink one and be reassured if your LO reacts the same way? The nurse said the babies always react like that and its not bad for them although not something to do on a regular basis. Ive tried eating something sweet like chocolate or biccies and its never worked for me, but obviously the glucose solution is really high concentration. Just a thought, coupled with your fetal monitor it might save you various trips to the hospital? Not sure if you can buy it from the chemist, but if not, maybe you know someone compassionate from the hospital who could "sneak" you a few bottles?

Earth if you sound like an obsessive lunatic then we all are! I cant imagine going longer than 2 weeks without some sort of contact with obstet/midwife. In fact I dont see why the heck we should after what we've been through. At one of my visits the obstet looked at her notes and complained that it looked like I was at full term already by all the visits and notes she already had gggrrr, she makes me feel like I am being over-obessive but I dont care anymore I will do what I need to do. Someone advised me (thankyou B) I should tell her not to write so large and messily then my notes wouldnt be so long! :)

AFM soon as I got home from the hospital for the blood tests/glucose thing they called me to say I was over the normal limits and need to have another, longer test done next week. Apparenty it only indicates I might have GD but they wont know for sure until after the other tests. Just one more thing to worry about. Has anyone any experience with GD?

Waves to everyone else x

Critter, just echoing what MissA said: I don't find any of your posts either clumsy or hurtful. At all.

Kayleigh it sounds wise to stop ttc - by that, do you mean that you will use contraception or just stop obsessing and see what happens? I'm so sorry that your mum is unwell and that as an OC, you have to bear the brunt of it all. Best of luck and strength to you x

MissA, my infamous SIL has GD with her current pregnancy. She is basically almost on a diet and isn't allowed quite a lot of things, including sugary or even diet drinks. It does sound really quite constraining - but I couldn't care less about it: she still has a baby and I don't! Thankfully she stopped mentioning it on our 'family whatsapp thread' where we all chat and send photos all day long. She's actually stopped talking about the pregnancy altogether which is a massive relief. She got used to the diet now and said that actually, she feels healthier than ever and has lost weight too! So I guess at least that's one positive outcome... Initially she just had to prick her finger daily and watch what she ate, but it wasn't enough so now it's daily insuline shots too, which she reckons are less painful than the finger pricks. I hope you get answers soon! It doesn't seem to affect the baby, provided you stick to the guidelines. I hope you don't have it but if you do, we shall stop talking about cake and chocolate

I got upset yesterday when dh mentioned he'd rather forget about baby G's due date and 'birth' date and not really commemorate them. He has nothing against me doing so though (thank god!!) but says that he doesn't feel he needs it and that he fears he'll forget -he is a bit forgetful with dates- and that I'll be even more upset then. I don't understand why he wouldn't want to remember it just like he would his living daughter's though! Is that just yet another male coping mechanism?

Waves to everyone else and hoping you are ok

Thank you MissA, sorry to hear your blood results were higher than normal, hope they get it sorted for you asap x

Mademoiselle i'm just lost at the moment- i'm 100% ready to TTC, it's just my mum really doesn't do anything for herself anymore (i suppose she's got used to me running round all the time for her) and i'm concerned that she'll still expect me to carry on doing it once i'm pregnant. My friends keep telling me to talk to her, but i don't see how i can, as the only child it's not like i have siblings that could help her, and i don't want to come across as being ungrateful/uncaring towards my mum. Just feel like i'm between a rock and hard place :(
Your DH's reaction may well be a coping mechanism, and he may change his mind at some point. Myself and my DH have dealt with Ben in different ways at times also x

*Kayleigh" just a thought...could you contact the British Heart Foundation? I just had a look at their webpage and they have online forums and groups for people with heart problems but also for their carers, maybe someone on there could help you get some sort of support to help with taking care of your Mum, or at the very least give you some moral support knowing exactly what you are going through. Seems a lot for just one person to have to shoulder x

kayleigh I am so sorry you have to deal with stress from your mum too. You absolutely cannot be running after her. You have to put yourself, your DH and your family first right now. Get your DH to tell her to back off if she starts pressuring you! TTC in any situation is stressful, and all the more so after a loss. I read that waiting six months helps the body recover nutrients and helps with the grief process, but I had a very strong urge to try again immediately and I think that's pretty common. I think the only thing you can do is be gentle to yourself. You have been through so much. I find doing things like trying to get exercise and making clothes for the next baby helpful. And I tend to turn down invitations or requests to do extra stuff if I can - I think if you've always been the one to drop everything and help others it can be hard to put yourself first, so I can understand why you're struggling. I wish I could give you a big hug.

missa I am so sorry about the GD thing - fingers crossed it all turns out to be ok. The worry never ends! I used to watch Call the Midwife and I can't now, but I have heard from other women who've experienced losses that watching those shows is a way to process their grief. It's painful but the pain is also a release and a way to connect with their babies and their experience. So much of the time I feel numb, when I don't feel numb I feel awful. I am just so sad that our experience of birth, which should have been joyous but challenging, turned out to be such a nightmare and so bloody sad. It sucks. I'm thinking of you.

betty What you said about numbness really resonated - I think it's a normal self-protection from the horror of losing a baby. Your loss is still so fresh. I really really hope you're managing to get through each day - I am just so sorry you're going through this - I know you have no choice. Lots of love to you, brave brave lady.

mademoiselle I can understand your DH's reaction - I think that's fairly common from men. MrC gets sad when I say I think I'm always going to be sad about this. He says he wants to move forward. I think the intensity of our pain is hard to watch, and of course our husbands are worried about seeing their formerly happy wives so utterly devastated, and fearful about the future. But I know it's hard.

Hope everyone else is doing alright. Waves to all.

Thanks MissA i'll have a look at BHF. Mum does have my step-dad, but he works full time, and he's not in the best of health himself truth be told. The only time my mum leaves the house nowadays is if she has a doctors/hospital appointment, and i'm worried she's isolating herself, as i don't think she keeps in contact with any of her friends. She had a hospital appointment yesterday that didn't go to plan and all she could say was "i don't know how much more stress i can take"- it took all my will power to not scream down the phone at her, which of course made me feel awful.

Thank you also Critter, i did have the urge to try again straightaway, but due to needing blood tests after Ben we thought it best for me to go on the mini-pill until we had the results back, which took 10 weeks. I've been taking extra care of myself since we were given the ok to try again, although i've lost quite a bit of weight (which i wasn't intending on) so i'm trying not to lose any more. DH has already offered to speak to my mum but he has a habit of putting his foot in it so i'm not sure that's a good idea.

Hope everyone is ok xx