Angels and Rainbows-remembering our angels and hoping for rainbows

[Star0909]

New thread ladies. Come in here for support.

Thank you earth x

I know it was early to get myself in a panic about movements but I suppose it's going to happen time and time again!!

ducky what a relief - so pleased all is well. He sounds like so mischievous already! You don't sound stupid at all - I had no idea about how all this stuff worked either a couple of years ago!

earth I am ok. The past few weeks have been pretty bad, and MrC is so sad too. But as you know, the only way out is through!

A friend just told me that a mutual friend (who had a missed miscarriage at 11 weeks) said it was just as bad as losing a baby carried to full-term. It gave me the rages. This friend has three easily-conceived, beautiful healthy children and is now six-months pregnant with her fourth. I felt so upset that she compared her experience (which is crap, I know) to mine. I was also annoyed because this is someone who never sent us a card or email or any acknowledgement after J died. But how could you know what it's like, if that was the worst you'd ever been through? It's like there's this whole other level of intense pain that most people never know about. Like a secret level in a computer game. Just a really crappy crappy computer game.

Thank you Critter. I've got support here, most of our friends and families have been amazing. I can understand your reaction to your friend's comments. I've recently been told by a "friend" that i'm being obsessive about getting pregnant again because i've been plotting on my calendar when i've come on and when we've DTD- i must add that anyone actually looking at my calendar wouldn't have a clue what all the little marks were for, only i know haha. The comments wouldn't have bothered me usually but this person seems to get pregnant at the drop of a hat and while i appreciate she hasn't been through what we ladies have i would have thought a bit of sensitivity would apply.

Glad all is ok Ducky, sounds like a little mischief.

Waves to everyone xx

kayleigh I am on your behalf. What a rude thing to say under any circumstances - let alone to someone who has lost a child. 'Obsessive' has connotations that you are somehow crazy or over-reacting. Actually wanting another baby is a perfectly normal and healthy reaction to try to heal some of the pain you've experienced. A new baby won't ever replace Ben but will put some sort of patch on your broken heart. I am sorry.

Ducky I'm so glad everything is ok.

Critter, I'm so sorry that your friend was so naive and insensitive, I hope that if she took a moment to really think about what she said she would realise that carrying your baby for 9 months, labouring, holding him and then having to say goodbye is of course not the same as a mmc at 11 weeks. It is ludicrous to suggest otherwise. A mmc is of course very sad and heartbreaking in it's own right, but it certainly isn't comparable to what you have been through. I'm angry on your behalf.

Kayleigh, your friend is silly if she thinks how you are feeling is anything other than normal. Sometimes the hope for another baby is all that can pull us through the grief.

Errant apostrophe in "its". I blame the iPhone!

Thank you Critter and Earth. I do have times when i feel like i can only be truly honest on this thread or on my local SANDS facebook page- because it appears to be the only people who "get it". As you say, nothing and nobody will ever replace Ben, just as nothing/nobody can replace any child who has died.

Kayleigh, how bloody insensitive , marking your dates on the calander is hardly obsessive. They obviously have no idea of how difficult it is for someone TTC normally, let alone after going through what you have

Critter, even though miscarriages are heartbreaking too, I feel it's no where near comparable to a still birth carrying a child to term, having a name, having a nursery ready and a house full of stuff, then having to go through labor and letting your baby go... Then a funeral .....

Thanks Ducky i'm letting a lot go over my head now. I've realised i don't need the added stress of other people's flippant comments right now. I'm just going to carry on with my keeping track of things and let nature take it's course.

Waves to everyone xx

Oh Kayleigh and Critter I am so furious for both of you. How rude and insensitive. Having gone through TFMR at 15 weeks myself,and knowing from a close friend and my own mother the heartbreak of a full term still both, I would never EVER dream of comparing the two. I feel that I am mourning a pregnancy and 'what could have been' whereas you had a real baby to hold and love and never take home with you. How utterly insensitive. I am really baffled. And surely monitoring one's cycles isn't obsessive? And actually comes with being a true MNetter, surely (I certainly am pondering about every twinge and looking over the calendar a lot!!)
Lots of love to you two and big waves to everyone else x

Thank you Mademoiselle how are you doing? x

Physically, still bleeding on and off and still getting positive pg tests 2 weeks on. Mentally, it really helps to be away and on holiday, but there are pg women everywhere, or families with two kids with the age gap ours would have had. One mine I'm laughing, the next I'm in floods if tears....but at least sometimes I'm laughing! It feels odd and a little like we are betraying baby G, but we owe it to him/her, to ourselves and most definitely to our little girl to live the very best life we possibly can...

How are you Kayleigh? And MissA? How did the rescan go? And how is everyone else?

• one MINUTE

I can relate to what you said Mademoiselle about pg women and the like. Just this morning i had to take Brian to a hospital appointment and there was a very new baby also at the clinic, had to stop myself staring by talking to DD who was with me thankfully.

I'm ok thank you, DH had the weekend off so we took DD and DS1 out for the day then actually managed to go out TOGETHER (this very rarely happens as DH is a chef). It was just nice if you know what i mean :)

Gosh, sorry, I didn't read back far enough.

Earth I'm so sorry that you are getting the news that your baby's gravestone is ready just as your friend has her newborn baby. Life is so mean and makes us suffer in so many twisted, subtle ways... My friend gave birth to their second child a day before I went in for baby G last week. Our daughters are looked after by the same person and we see them every single day. July 14th will forever be a wonderful day for them when July 15th will be the saddest day for us. Their house is full if new baby paraphernalia and our house just rings with the hollow emptiness of what could have been... I hope that at least your baby's gravestone is exactly as you wanted it to be. Hardly a consolation though...

Ruby you made me cry. Thank you for your kindness and generous words. I am forever amazed at the support and genuine kindness one can come across on these threads and am only too sorry that we are all here together offering it to each other... I'm not too sure in which way I've displayed courage but it is hugely comforting to know that someone thinks I did, even if I don't know you. Sometimes I just feel as though I've selfishly protected my sheltered little life by choosing the easy way out. Oh how the mind loves to turn and twist and torture us...!
I am so sorry that you've had a rough week. I'm sure rough doesn't even really cover it. It makes me feel physically sick to imagine the heartache it must be to be induced and in labour forever only to deliver a stillborn baby. My heart aches for you and I will always remember your little girl whenever I see pictures of baby George. I hope Sunday wasn't too awful and am sending you waves of hugs and warmth in support.

Critter your words just ring so true and spot on: robbed. That's exactly it. Robbed of the innocence and candour. Robbed of the laughter and those pictures of a 1yr old smashing her first cake...

Big waves to everyone else is haven't name checked and hoping you are doing ok x

Hi all. Just wanted to say hello and let you know that I'm lurking and reading most days and that I haven't gone anywhere!

Life just seems so busy and finding even five minutes to read the updates on the post, let alone reply to any seems almost impossible. But let me tell you, you are all in my thoughts.

I'm now at 8+6 and doing ok. Feeling so very tired and sick/bloated. Had first mw appointment last week and have the date for our 12 week scan which seems so far away.

Sending positive thoughts to everyone and a cheery wave. So very sorry to see that there are more new faces here recently, hope you're all doing ok x

Ruby hope you and DH managed to get through Sunday, and the preceding days. Its so disappointing when people dont remember, or maybe they just dont want to face the pain they think they will cause if they mention it? I'm not sure which it is...surely people cant really have forgotten can they??? Especially not H's grandmother? People in general have disappointed me so much after losing A, I now have the feeling that its sort of me and "them" now, and that the only people who "get" this are you ladies. Sending you a big hug

Earth How tough for you and such a massive contrast hearing the good news yet being told F's stone is ready. Did you go see it? Is it as you wanted at least?

Ducky sorry to hear you had a bit of a panic but great that your LO is fine. He must have just been having an extra-long nap :)

Critter how dare youre friend compare her experience to yours! Even though a MC is a terrible experience it is not comparable. You are so spot on when you say our pain is like a whole new secret level in a computer game - I truly believe there cannot be many things in life than can be so painful and thankfully the huge majority or people will never get to "play" on this level. Just wish they could keep their bloody stupid comments to themselves though. I was told by my neighbour that she had lost twins at 11 weeks..."so you see, theres always someone worse off than youself" I felt so much better after hearing that Hope your HCG drops to zero soon, seeing any level of it just reminds you of what could have been doesnt it?

Mademoiselle cant imagine how it feels to be on a beautiful holiday with all that pain inside and having to see such happiness around you. Its great that you can manage moments of lightness though, I hope they get longer and longer as time goes by. And please dont even consider the idea that you have taken the "easy way out" - what you have been through is horrific and I agree with Ruby that you were both very courageous to take the decision you did.

Kayeligh oh my goodness how many people need a good slap? Your "friend" is defineitly one of them, how dare she suggest you are being obsessive!? If only these idiots could experience just for a day what this feels like - maybe they'd be more sensitive. Very on your behalf!

AFM still waiting for the re-scan on Thursday, gosh its dragging. DH and I both have minor heart probs so we have basically convinced ourselves that the baby will have something terribly wrong (optimistic as usual). The backache is still there, I asked the obstet yesterday and she said its normal just the curvature of my spine changing. Its now really hard to get dressed though, even getting into my knickers is a major challenge and I sometimes end up toppling over. She said the bump-hardening sensations are probably Braxton Hicks but did a quick scan of my cervix and its fine so not to worry about them.

Does anyone know how things went for Little she hasnt posted for ages and must have her rainbow by now?

Waves to Blue, Owl, ATM, Betty and everyone I'm forgetting x

Thanks MissA as i said, i'm refusing to let it bother me anymore, i don't need the extra stress wile TTC. As you say if these people walked in our shoes for a day i'm sure they'd soon change their mindset.

Sorry to hear you're still suffering with the backache, will keep everything crossed for your re-scan.

Waves to all xx

Missalex how stressful for you, I'm so sorry about the continued wait. I have everything crossed that you will get some reassurance soon. WTF about 'someone worse off than you' - how is she 'worse off'? It's not a competition!

Kayleigh I'm so glad you got time with your DH, he must be really suffering too as he is seeing you go through this pain and can't protect you.

ATM glad you are doing well.

Mademoiselle I agree that there is nothing 'easy' about losing your child- your life isn't sheltered at all, you've been through hell and you have managed this horrifying experience with grace and love for your little G. I know the wistfulness of looking at families with little people. I'm so sorry.

Love to all those I've missed.

Thanks for asking about the stone MissA, we're going to see it on Monday. I feel quite nervous, I just want it to be perfect (if there is such a thing as perfect where a gravestone for your baby is concerned).

You've done so well waiting for this next scan, I think convincing yourself there is something major wrong is entirely understandable in your shoes, but we are all hoping and praying that everything is just fine. What time is it on Thurs? I hope you've got a morning appt?

Mademoiselle, like the others have said, you shouldn't doubt that you have done the right thing (though I suspect your feelings are normal). You have been the absolute best parents you could be to both of your children and you have been incredibly brave and courageous.

ATM, glad things are going ok.

Waves to everyone else.

Thank you Critter, it was nice to have some family time, and it did put a few things into perspective.

Earth i know what you mean about the headstone, as we've been looking into it for when we can get Ben's. I've seen sooo many nice ones with teddies and the like, however the vicar has explained that the plot is now our families so we may be better choosing one we can add to should me or DH want burying there :/

Waves to all xx

Earth I'll be thinking of you on Monday. I hope it is beautiful and how you want. I wish you weren't having to think about this at all.

Kayleigh I get some comfort from the thought that I'll be close to James when I'm buried. We buried half his ashes in a lovely quiet churchyard and it gives me a lot of peace to think I will be with him there one day. Big hug to you honey. Thinking of sweet Ben.

ATM dont know what happened but I didnt see your post before. So glad to hear that everything is going well :)

Earth the two words 'gravestone' and 'baby' should never go together should they. I have to go by the baby section to get to my Mums grave and although I've always found it sad, now it holds a whole new set of emotions. Hope F's stone is as lovely as it can be x We have a really late afternoon appointment Thursday... just to drag out the agony a bit longer

Critter I could fill a small book with the surreal and just downright stupid things have said to us! From "its just nature's way, there was obviously something wrong with her" to "be thankful she died before birth, she could have been a cot death and that WOULD have been awful" and I could go on and on! Like you say...WTF?

Kayleigh I think you could have Bens (maybe smaller one) set now and then when you "add" to the grave you just move his to the front of the larger one where there is no text. Gosh what awful things to have to think about...

Waves to all x

Thank you Critter and MissA.

MissA that's a lovely idea, however because Ben has been laid directly under where the headstone will go i don't think it'll work. DH likes the idea of having a headstone that's like an open book, so we could possibly have one side for Ben and the other side for us, that way we could put a teddy or something on Ben's side?? xx

Just calling in to say I'm thinking of you today missalex, hope you've not got long to wait and all is very straight forward and reassuring.
Waves to all x