Angels and Rainbows-remembering our angels and hoping for rainbows

[Star0909]

New thread ladies. Come in here for support.

Ducky great news on your healthy bean! I would have thought getting through your first day back at work and only crying once is pretty good going :)

I've been having a few 'down' days, even though physically I'm starting to feel better. Every day for at least a few frantic hours I am convinced the baby has died, feel like giving myself a big slap and telling myself to stop being so stupid. When I cant resist it any longer I get out the home doppler thing and have a listen in. Not good when I cant always find the HB though, and I HAD promised myself I wouldnt get obsessive with it

Waves to everyone x

Hi everyone. Ducky, really pleased that your scan went well. I wouldn't worry too much about what the consultant says now, he might change his mind nearer the 28weeks. I was supposed to have scans every 4 weeks but my sonographer kept booking me in every 3 with the promise I could go in in between if I needed to (and I did!). And VERY well done for work.

ATM, I don't think I felt "ready" to ttc again either, but it also kind of helped once we started iyswim.

MissA, sorry you've been feeling low, but I think the worry is pretty normal. I used my Doppler every day before movement started and even then I used it a couple of times a week. Do whatever you can to help you through the days. Whenever I did the Doppler I used to repeat to myself "it can take a really long time to find the heartbeat because baby is small and I don't know what I'm doing so DON'T PANIC" it only kind of worked ;-)

Waves to everyone else.

Thank you every one

Hope your all doing ok x

Hello everyone.
Sorry you've been feeling down missalex , I have too, as well as starting to feel sick again (mainly in the evenings but a bit during the day too). I'm not sure why my emotions seem to have hit me all over again, nothing triggered it but I've felt quite unable to share it, as if because its been over a year & I'm pg again no one would be expecting it. I've also struggled with The Fear repeatedly - been and got the hb checked several times in the last couple of weeks as movements are very intermittent and fluttery so far. Each time I've been convinced that this is it, it's happening again. The mws have all been lovely though, and the last time I saw the mw I'd seen all the way through my pg with E. somehow she made me feel a lot better, so that reassurance lasted a good few days. Currently worrying again tho, not felt anything definite yet today. Can't decide whether to buy a Doppler or not - might help but might make me worse.

Good to hear your scan went well ducky :) and very well done for getting through your first day back at work. I hope they're looking after you & the work itself isn't too stressful but keeps your mind occupied.
With the scans I've had a similar experience, it was something I spoketo this mw about. I'm definitely going to push for as many as I feel I need at the time. Certainly there seems to be some flexibility - I was supposed to have a scan at 28wks but got that moved forward to 26 when I queried it.

atm I didn't feel 'ready' to ttc, just desperate to be pg, despite also being scared of it if that makes any sense. Which it probably doesn't, except to those on this thread.

Waves to all x

Well I was getting on fine and then someone came up to me and started asking how's my baby once again I burst out crying and tried to run to the toilet but it seems every member of staff was in the area so a big fuss was made which made it worse

Now I can't stop being sick and have gone super dizzy and hot, not sure if it's because I got so upset

Sorry for the moan everyone x

Oh Ducky, you poor thing. Can you get out for some fresh air? Maybe take an hours break to get away from the office and clear your head a little? Take it easy, go home if you need to. When I went back to work I didn't manage a whole week in the office for quite a while, either had to leave because I was too upset or didn't even go in because I was having a particularly bad day. You need to look after yourself x

Thanks earth x

Have come home now but feel bad for doing that

Glad you are home and don't feel bad, you need to put yourself first x

:( I'm sorry ducky it's so awful when that happens and there's just no way to deal with it. Don't feel bad about going home, and I hope you're feeling better now x

Dh just came home and said a JCB reversed into him :( he's ok but the car isn't. Last thing we need right now, especially since the only witness said it was his fault .

earth did you find the Doppler helped you once you'd started feeling movements? I'm really debating getting one. I definitely felt movements earlier today but it's so infrequent so I'm worrying again now and I just wish I could put my mind at rest when I want to.

Oh no blue! Glad he's ok though!

I'm thinking about a Doppler too but don't know if id get too obsessed with it!

Ducky oh what a horrid incident, and on your first day back too. Glad you came home and no you definietly shouldnt feel bad. Just concentrate on your scan result, your little bean is doing great!

Earth its comforting to know you too used the Doppler every day. I think I'm getting a bit better at finding the HB and the baby is surprisingly high up. Ive read that at 13 weeks it should be really low down in the pelvis, so thast where I was searching, but mine is about half way up between my bikini line and belly button

Blue sorry to hear youve been down too and feeling rubbish again. Its such a mix of emotions isnt it, I truly dont think anyone else can understand how we are feeling if they havent been there. I think its inevitable that we go through moments of thinking even more about our lost LOs, and the conflict is just so huge there's no wonder we have meltdowns. Re: the Doppler...like I said to Ducky its a double edged sword really, great when you can find the HB and even more stress-inducing if you cant. The farther along you are, the easier it is to find though. I think most MWs are against them, I know I was told firmly to stay away from mine (I didnt of course). Another thing that worries me about mine is that its made in China, and I worry about it being dodgy and maybe affecting the baby if I use it a lot (theyre probably all made in China nowadays) I had promised myself to use it twice a week but I use it most days now. Hope your DH is ok.

Ruby hope everything is going ok x

AFM the obstet has prescribed me meds for high blood pressure based on the readings I've been sending her the last few days. They've been quite high (up to 160/90) but yesterday at the chemist I thought I would just check that my home BP machine was working fine and it seems it reads a lot higher than it should, so I'm going to check it for the next few days at the chemist instead before I start taking them. I looked on the Net and they are Class C drugs, I'd really like to avoid them if poss. Has anyone had probs with hugh BP?

Hi to Owl, ATM and everyone else

Hi Blue, your poor DH, that must have been a real shock. I'm glad he's ok. Annoying about the car, but glad he is safe.

I did find the Doppler helped, yes. I never felt like he was much of a mover (despite the scans) so the period of time when movements were starting but infrequent it helped, but also on the quieter days even up to about 36 weeks I found it reassuring. They can cause worry though if you can't find the heartbeat and my mw also said they can cause false reassurance- ie you think you've heard the heartbeat but might have picked up something else instead. Having said that, if you know those things I think that's half the battle. I would get my Doppler out if I hadn't felt movement for a while and then he would promptly boot me in the side!

Just got my Doppler out, it is a contec sonoline B pocket fetal doppler. Got it from amazon, seems pretty good and to be honest doesn't look any different to the ones they have in my hospital.

MissA-I don't think being made in China would make a difference, the technology will be the same. Something to worry about though isn't it! I worried about the Doppler, the scans, the meds, everything. I think it's inevitable when you've been through what we have. I have a feeling that the uterus expands more quickly with subsequent pregnancies so maybe that's why this little one is fairly high, more wriggle room!

No advice re the BP I'm afraid, I had the opposite problem, generally a little low. I think I would do the same as you though and check at the chemist for a few days. What are the risks with high BP? All I know of is pre-eclampsia and if that is the concern could you get home wee sticks to test for protein?

Ducky-how are you feeling today?

Waves to everyone else

Feeling loads better thank you although some tramp threw himself on me as I was coming out of work

I don't think I will get a Doppler, only because I know I will become to obsessive with it lol

How is everyone? X

Ohh and I found out my supervisor was 'disgusted' that I went home, even though a manager told me to go home

That's outrageous! You should make a note of that in case you need to take it up with HR in the future.

Good thinking earth I will do that

Hope you are OK ducky. Honestly, some people have no compassion.

The sands memorial garden where my daughter is buried has been vandalised. I think it's the memorial bit rather then the graves themselves but can't face going to check in case it is the graves. What sort of person behaves like that?

Hi Owl, gosh that's hard. There are some really awful people about. Could you get in touch with someone from sands and ask them to check for you? I really hope your little girls grave is unscathed x

owl that's awful :( I have no understanding of what must go through some people's heads. Hope you're ok x

ducky hope this week at work is going ok. I can't believe (well I can, but ykwim) your supervisor. Hopefully most people are being nice?

missalex sorry I don't know anything about high bp, except that my dm had it with me & db & took meds that apparently wouldn't be considered safe now... So I'm sure whatever's been prescribed for you will be better than that! How have your measurements been over the last few days?

Afm I keep waking up early & can't get back to sleep... Some of it is stuff going round in my head that I generally avoid when busy. Movement is a lot more frequent now so that's helping a bit - but managing to replace it with the what if thoughts! And I could really do with digging out the pg clothes from the loft, but the memories attached to all the stuff we stuck in there last year are not ones I want to face tbh.

Waves to earth atm ruby tulip anyone I've rudely missed & any lurkers x

Omg owl that is awful, what te hell is wrong with someone to do that I second contacting sands and seeing if anyone could check there. Really hope everything is ok with dd grave x

Thanks guys, I think we will go and check it out at the weekend, we can go together then.

blue there's nothing quite like the 4am what if session. No advice I'm afraid, but I've been there. Thinking of you.

ducky hope work is OK now. missa hope all is well.

Owl so sorry to hear about the memorial garden. The scum should be flogged. And I'm not joking. Really hope your DDs grave (and everyone elses) is unharmed x

Earth high blood pressure can cause stroke, placenta abrupta, restricted fetal growth and pre-ecplamsia. Today I have the 24 hour monitor on, its a bit of a drag as it inflates every 20 mins, even during the night. Just hoping it will be normal, my readings last few days have been a lot better. The ob said the meds I would have to take are "totally safe" but I just cant get out of my mind that I'm sure thats exactly what they said to the Mums they prescribed Thalidomide to :(

Ducky your supervisor is disgusting herself. Hope youre managing ok back at work and feeling ok.

Blue the exact same thing is happening to me. Every single night my eyes pop open at 3.50am (no idea why that time) and I just cannot get back to sleep. Like you I just lay there going over all the worries and what-ifs. Eventually I usually get back to sleep about 7am and then feel really guilty that my curtains are still closed at 9am and the neighbours must think I'm a lazy so-and-so. My Ob said it was fine to take Valerian pills just before bed but I havent, there are so many negative opinions about it and I just dont want to take any risks.

Ruby thinking of you, hope everything is ok

Hi all Hope you are doing OK. Sorry I have not been around, think i just needed a bit of quiet time, just going from one day to the next and trying to get through I think.

Blue how are you doing? Sorry you've not been sleeping. Those thoughts that come in the middle of the night certainly hang around don't they? I know I have found myself looking at H's photos more recently, whereas before I couldn't really face it. I don't think 10 months on I am any less shocked at what happened or at how a beautiful 7lb baby can be overdue and healthy one day and gone the next. I dont know if there is an answer but I guess from reading we all know that most nights you really are not alone in being awake, if that helps! Also for my own peace of mind, please tell me you have had to reach for the maternity clothes! I,ve been in mine for weeks! I think I am going to be the size of a small family car by the end!

Ducky Well done for going back to work, its an incredibly brave step and your supervisor needs a slap! Definitely keep file note for future reference HR wise! You're probably right not to go for the Doppler. We Bought one and it is fab but I do think it causes a lot of anxiety too. I have always been able to find the heart beat but sometimes it takes a while and that time you are hunting is awful.

Owl I'm so sorry about the SANDS memorial garden, that awful! You just can't believe what goes through peoples minds when they do something like that!

MissA Glad to hear you and bean are doing ok. The BP thing must be a worry but you were definitely on the ball to question the accuracy of your home monitor. Can't believe you ob's comments about "what good did the extra scans do last time"!!! Gosh thats the Spirit! Positive mental attitude and all that! I'm sure she has lots of redeeming features! If its any comfort lots of the best surgeons I know have appalling bed side manners but if it came to the crunch and I had to have an op I would want them looking after me, if that any consolation!

ATM Hope you are doing OK. Think you are very insightful to give yourself time to heal and to feel ready before starting to TTC again. DH and I actually started talking about it when I was in labour with H, which may sound awful, but talking about having another baby seemed like the only light at the end of the tunnel for us and it what got us through I think.

Gosh sorry about length of post!

Thanks everyone.

Owl did you check in the end? Hope everything is ok.

Waves to everyone.

Sorry I don't name check but I'm on my phone so i can't see who said what and have the memory of a goldfish x