Angels and Rainbows-remembering our angels and hoping for rainbows

[Star0909]

New thread ladies. Come in here for support.

Hi everyone,

Hope your all doing ok.

I am terrified, my AF is due tomorrow and I took a hpt, there is a very very faint second line. Hoping it just gets darker and darker.

Oh Ducky fingers crossed the line gets darker, that's great news.

MissA hope you are hooding up ok.

Hi to Blue Ruby Owl and everyone else

Thank you star x

Oh Ducky! Gingers crossed for you and your line! Are you doing another one in the morning?

MissA glad the sun helped and the bleeding seems to have stopped. 9 months is a lot of time to hold our breath isn't it? It must be extremely difficult to have mixed messages from the medics looking after you. Who was it did the first scan? Was it aConsultant? Only a week till your next scan, I hope it goes quickly for you. X

AFM saw the midwife today as am 16 +5 ? Heart beat sounded good and everything seems ok so far. Just under 3 weeks till we see the consultant for our 20 week scan hopefully.. That's my next target.

Hope everyone else is doing ok Star, Owl, Jules, Blue, Ducky and Sleeping and anyone else lurking x

Fingers crossed..... Not gingers.... If I had gingers and you could cross them they'd be crossed for you though! X

Haha that made me chuckle ruby.

Will do another one tomorrow morning and one on Saturday morning and hopefully the line will be darker

Hi all. Hope you don't mind me de-lurking to join you all. I've read most but not all of this thread and am so relieved to see there is light at the end of the tunnel.

We lost our gorgeous boy at 20+4 in February. Im beginning to feel a bit better and am going back to work next week (I would have gone back sooner but we were hoping to wait for the pm results but they've taken so long). We got a letter this morning and we have an appointment on the 7th May. The letter said "to discuss your recent pregnancy loss" - I'm hoping that means the PM results?

We are very lucky to have a wonderful DD who is almost 3. I am so desperate to have a rainbow baby that it hurts. The thought of getting pregnant again terrifies me so much. Any advice on how to handle the anxiety? We aren't ttc yet as we wanted to wait till we'd had the pm results incase it was something that would be likely to happen again. All we know was that F had fluid in his abdomen and that my waters were a "yucky" colour (he was born in his waters so the midwives were able to collect the fluid after he was born so it could be tested).

Reassuring to find people here who have experienced the same tragic thing although I do wish none of us had to find ourselves here. Congratulations to those who have had their rainbow babies, such good news!

Hi ATM!

That's what my pm letter said too.

ATM I am so very sorry that you find yourself here on this thread, and that you lost your precious son. Every one of us on here has been through the heartache and knows how you are feeling. The ladies are all very courageous and lovely, and I hope coming on here and writing whatever you feel the need helps you. Yes there is light at the end of the tunnel, however distant it sometimes seems. There are so many ladies on here that have been to hell and back yet never gave up and now have their rainbows in their arms. Prepare yourselves well for the PM appointment and take a written list of questions you have - if youre anything like me they all disappear from my mind as soon as I get sat in front of the desk. Anxiety - I think the only thing that has helped me has been to break the time down into days, hours and sometimes even minutes. To only surround yourself with people who are sensitive and not allow people to dictate how quickly you should "recover". We lost our precious little girl on Christmas Eve 2012 at 35 weeks. Sending you a big hug

Ducky Oh my goodness what fab news, I am so pleased for you! Try not to get too obsessed with the pee sticks getting darker - I got a slightly lighter line on the second one I used than the first and thought it was all over. Next day at the blood test my Beta numbers were humongous! Everything crossable crossed for you x

Ruby so good to hear your latest appointment went well, it just seems to take forever between one and the next doesnt it! Hope the three weeks go quickly for you. Will you be able to see the sex of the baby next scan, will you want to know?

The first scan was done by the obstet, she is part of the high risk team at the hospital but has a private practise too so we are seeing her privately until we get a first appointment from the hospital (which is taking forever). Sort of hoping we dont get her when we eventually do get the appointment as our confidence in her has been knocked a bit, and her attitude stinks.

Is it just my tastebuds that have gone hyper or does Gaviscon taste really vile?

Wishing a gentle Easter to everyone

Missa when did you go for the bloodtest? I haven't spoke to gp or midwife yet. Where did you go for them was it gp or hospital?

I had peppermint gaviscon, I hated the texture! Bleeee!

X

Ducky with ours being IVF it was all done at the clinic, I had the blood test on the 11th day after transfer of blastocysts (5 day old embryos) so that makes it 16 days after conception. All very complicated and hard to work out with a natural pregnancy unless you have everything written down and controlled x

Why is it that things can potter along quite nicely and then 'bam' a really bad day hits you for no reason. Really trying to snap out of it as the weather is so lovely and I should be enjoying the sunshine.

My mind is totally blank when it comes to questions about the pm results. All I can think of is whether it is something that will affect future pregnancies. Do you mind me asking what kind of questions you all asked, just for some inspiration? I'm sure like you said missa I'll think of all the questions afterwards!

Hope you're all managing to enjoy the sunshine wherever you are x

Just walking the dogs will try and remember the questions I asked when I get back

Sorry didn't want to tread in poo whilst replying!

Some of te questions we asked were:
How many weeks was she when she passed?

Chances of it happening again?

Then they were going to send me for blood tests for a few different things so we asked what would it mean if one of them were to come back positive.

We couldn't really ask much cus they basically said the placenta didn't work and they don't know why.

But we asked about what care would there be in future pregnancies and how many scans etc. and what vaccinations I would have. And I also asked who I would need to contact if I got pregnant as I had problems with my last midwife so have chosen a new one and I am meant to see the consultant as soon as I find out.

I'm sure tere was loads more I could have asked but I find my appointments I have to have someone with me as I cannot concentrate and thigs go in one ear and out the other and my mind just goes blank.

I wrote down a few questions before and gave the list to the person coming with me as I knew I wouldn't ask them so the person with me asked the questions I had wrote down.

Sorry if that's not much help

And I do hope you start to feel better soon ATM, I know what you mean about the bad days

Hi ATM, welcome. I'm very sorry that you find yourself here.

I lost my first baby, a little boy 'F' in Sept 2012 and my rainbow boy is 6wks old today.

Bad days can creep up on you all the time, but you will find they gradually get further apart, it really hasn't been long for you so don't beat yourself up about how you think you "should" be feeling. Feel however you need to.

Re the PM, most of my questions focused around the future to be honest, until you know what happened it is hard to think of specifics. Some things I asked were:

1. Why did he die
2. Was it anything I did/didn't do
3. Could it have been detected with different tests/monitoring
4. If it could have been detected could they have done anything to save him
5. Why was everything textbook until that point?
6. Is it ever likely to happen again?
7. Should I wait for further tests before trying to get pg again?
8. What would my care be like for a future pg?
9. Who can I contact with further questions

I think the most important one is getting a contact name and number/email address for future questions because as you say, it is hard to think on the spot and you will probably have more questions that you think of following the meeting. I hope that list helps.

For what it's worth, I found thinking about going to the meeting far worse than the meeting itself. I was terrified of it, but as my counsellor used to say to me on a regular basis when i was scares of things (funeral, pm results, going back to work etc).....The worst thing that can happen to you already has happened, nothing is as hard as losing your baby.

Be kind to yourself today.

MissA I hope that your little beans are still nice and snug and that you're not going out of your mind with alternate worry an boredom x

Thank you star, I really appreciate everything you said and also the list of questions really helped. Huge congratulations on the arrival of your rainbow baby boy, hope things are going well? Thanks ducky too, have noted down some of the questions you both suggested and will take them along on the 7th.

Here's hoping tomorrow is a better day! X

This is my third day of poas and I'm sending myself insane.

Missa like you said the line got lighter :-( just hoping it's not over for me

It may not be much reassurance ducky but when I got my bfp with DD the line stayed so pale for about a week and I was driving myself insane so went to the GP. They did a test too and the line was still pale and no darker than when I has tested about 8 days before. They sent off a urine sample too and three days later I got a call to say "nice strong positive".

Keeping everything crossed for you. Try and be kind to yourself. X

Ducky, I poas every day for 2weeks with my rainbow, I took photos of the sticks, lined them all up next to each other, googled hcg sensitivity levels-you name it, I drove myself insane over it. The reality is, every test is different (even from the same pack) and it all depends on how concentrated your wee is etc. hoping that this sticks for you x

Thank you. Am trying not to poas again until Tuesday and then will contact my gp to see if I can get the bloodwork.

I was determined to try and not poas everyday but really couldn't help it!

Ducky Pee sticks are evil little things, they can be so misleading. Like I told you, mine got lighter on the second one and I was devastated thinking it was all over. Next day the blood test was really high... I know its difficult but just try and concentrate on the fact that there is pregnancy hormone in your blood which means right now you are pregnant x

ATM I think Ducky and Star have covered all the questions I would want to ask at a PM appointment. Maybe the only thing I would add is for you (or whoever is with you) to take a look through the report right there, while youre sat at the desk. We were fobbed off with "everything seems to be normal" and just trusted that was the truth, whereas when we got home and did a bit of research on the terminology we saw it was obvious that things werent "all normal". Then we had to wait weeks before we could get another appointment to discuss it further. We eventaully ended up demanding all our doctors notes through a lawyer (they werent giving them up if not) and the absolute b*tch had written " very aggressive demands for information" !!! As if we had no right to the information about our daughter's death!! Hope your appointment goes as well as possible x

Star you made me laugh with the peestick photo-taking! I do exactly the same, in fact I have got eight years worth of pee stick photos, I could set up a gallery! How is your little man doing? x

Blue havent heard from you in a few days, hope its cos youre on a lovely exotic Easter holiday somewhere warm getting pampered? x

AFM all seems to be calm here, fx. Getting nervous about Sunday as we have decided to tell MIL. We cant avoid seeing her every other weekend, and we have run out of excuses for stomach bugs, bad colds etc and there is now no way I can pretend that I am ok with this awful morning sickness. Most of the time I am just dragging myself between sofa, kitchen and toilet bowl and there is no way I can eat more than toddler-sized meals so she is going to put two and two together anyway. I really would have preferred to wait a bit to tell her as nothing is definite yet (thats an understatement) and I know there will be negative comments, but cant see how we can avoid it without lying blatantly which we dont want to do. So we're going to fess up, just hope she doesnt say something utterly insensitive and I fly off the handle.

Waves to Owl Ruby Tulip and everyone else x

I know missa! I did another today (I really can't help myself!!! But have used them all up now so won't do anymore!) and it's darker.

Can I ask how people reacted to your rainbow pregnancy? I know it's very very early days for me. Very early. And anything can happen but we have told some very close family members and I feel that not one of them has seemed happy or anything, I feel as though maybe they're waiting for something bad to happen and it's starting to upset me a bit :-/

How did you feel at your first scan? I know mine is a few weeks away but I'm terrified already! Just want to hear that it's all ok!

Hope everyone is ok!

ducky I am nearly 14wks now & have told 3people... Even after my 12wk scan i asked them to continue to keep it to themselves. Think that says it all really! This morning I was just mulling over how much longer I can avoid having to deal with people's reactions. Dh feels the same, which he never has previously, he's always wanted to announce it to his entire family immediately. At my scan I was amazed there was actually something there, relieved at the time & then very rapidly back to trying to hold back the thoughts of something having gone wrong. I'm currently wondering about getting a scan privately in a couple of weeks as its a long time til 20wks..

missalex your comment made me snort - I wish it were the case!! I've had this weekend off, which I so needed after the last few weeks of being new at work & getting used to it all (& all the sickness, tiredness etc during which the housework & laundry have built up... ) and loads of family from both sides are visiting (which is lovely but I'm knackered & falling asleep at half eight!). Not quite being pampered somewhere exotic! Glad things have settled down for you & very much keeping fingers crossed it stays that way. Hope yesterday went ok with mil & you've been able to rest too.

atm a very warm welcome but I'm sorry you find yourself here. I am thankfully blessed with other children too, but my beautiful son died at 36 weeks just over a year ago as the placenta suddenly came away early and I lost a lot of blood. All very traumatic, both for us & for our other children. Our pm didn't show anything much other than that it was indeed the placenta, but no reasons about why it failed - apparently sometimes it just happens. In terms of questions - most of ours have already have been covered by everyone, but it also mattered to me to know exactly when he died and to work out whether there was a time when there was something detectably wrong but when he could have been saved if we'd known iyswim. That was one of the things that helped me lay it to rest in my head (as there wasn't anything we could have reasonably done, even in hindsight). I did write all my questions down so I didnt forget, but tbh the cons answered most of them without us needing to ask. About the bad days... They just come out of nowhere don't they? It's odd, I always revert back to just getting through this 'bit' of time (hr, afternoon, day) & try to arrange a 'nice' thing as soon afterwards as I can - a cup of tea with a friend or a DVD with popcorn that evening etc. Hope today is a better one.

Waves to all & sorry not to name check, this is long enough I think! X

Hi Ducky, I didn't really tell anyone, parents knew at 14wks and 18wks, I told a very close friend at 22wks but we didn't tell anyone else. Obviously people I worked with noticed but they just took my lead of not talking about it. I was so terrified of something going wrong I couldn't cope with other people's reactions. I very much took a 'bury my head in the sand' approach...!