TTC 10 months + Part 17.

[MuddyWellyNelly]

For all the lovely 10+ers, and anyone else lurking, who has been trying for long enough to start worrying. This is a great place to rest until the elusive BFP shows up.

Yeah, on the stress thing I'm a naturally highly strung person so not being stressed does not come naturally. Also, in between TTC and everything there's been a lot going on at work which has added to it.

Maybe now (I hope) that we know what's wrong (and it's not something I have control over), I can "unclench" a bit. But it does getting really annoying when people are going "well, if you just relax it will happen" or "my friend just did blah and fell pregnant".
We know that it didn't happen this month and normally it's a shock, and we both get upset, this time we are both very "well, it's expected". I'm sad (talking to my best friend who's 8 months pregnant about her birth plans is REALLY hard) of course, but less disappointed, more resigned than normal.

Oh what is it about Friday nights at the moment? Af pains so think its on its way. Big fat tears.

Cos big old love. I'm actually sat here with the cd you sent me and my card thinking what a lovely lovely person you are. Snuggle in, pour a fat glass of wine and it will feel better.

I am dry. My eyes, my skin, my everywhere feels like a parched shrivelled dry thing. I have drunk 3 litres of water, done very little wee and my tears are so salty all the corners of my eyes are cracked and red. Where is all the water going? On my big, round, distinctly pregnant looking stomach other than that though I feel nothing, maybe a bit more emotionally sensitive (h on dangerous ground in mentioning thst( but it feels difficult to believe anything is happening in there. First scan tomorrow. I am dreading it. Scans have not gone well for me these past three years.

Joyce I was in a deli today and I saw a bottle of wine called 'songbird' I didn't buy it though BECAUSE IM DOING SODDING IVF AND CANT DRINK ON A BLOODY FRIDAY. Sensitive, moi? I'm now on day 9 of total sobriety. It's bollocks. However I think if I did drink my cells would actually crenate and I would die.

Rabbit I'm so glad you're there. I think it's all hitting me I keep thinking abut the little peanut that didn't make it. Oh why am I so shit at this. Sorry just having one of those moments where it just seems insurmountable and I can't see ever being really happy again.

You're right. The wine is opened. Ooh do try the cd during your cycle, I know Gin wanted to throw Zita West off a cliff at one point but I found her meditations during Ivf quite helpful. Rabbit you are beautifully slender without a lot of paunch to soak things up, so maybe keep drinking more water? And yes hoping its all gone to your ovaries - massive hand hold for tomorrow, have everything crossed for you.

Oh cos, you've been through such a lot, you are not shit at this, there is nothing more you could have done, it's just a rubbish hand to be dealt. It is very sad about peanut. But there is hope there that your body is trying and that it can happen for you, I really believe it. We will be happy again. Keep thinking of the ttc bonfire. See ya Zita!

Chuckle (smile). hic.

Cos - massive hug, I hate to think you are feeling like this. You will be happy again. Of course you will. It is still very early days since your m/c and you still need time to heel. And I know we all have those moments of feeling like we are shit at this but really it's more accurate to say that shit is being thrown at us and especially you in the last few months. It has been one hell of a shitfest. You should be very proud of how you have handled everything and how you have retained your humour and compassion for others whilst going through crap. You're amazing. Enjoy your vino!

Rabbit- at seeing a drunk called songbird! Did you think yuk I don't want to touch that?! Thank you for your sweet words in yesterday's post. Sometimes I think this process has really toughened me up but I think that's just superficial. I think tears are often lurking beneath.
Sorry about the dry skin . I think you just need to keep on drinking and drinking your milk and it will all be over soon. And I hope you are pleasantly surprised by your scan.
Found your link to that blog interesting. The girl had a point. I ended up reading lots of the blog and it sounded like she was going to have to use donor eggs- fsh 13 and 0.09 amh at 34 yet she got pregnant a few months ago naturally. Fertility is so bizarre!
Oh like you I was stressed from the first month it didn't work. I felt it wasnt going to be easy so was incredibly shocked to get pregnant the next month when I was stressing. Then after m/c I REALLY stressed especially as a few months later I was told I had premature ovarian failure. It has been crap ever since.

Critter - you must be so close now. And excellent news on the 2oweeks maternity. That sounds very good to me.

Euro - I feel a bit more relaxed about things now too. It still goes in cycles but I was beside myself in the early months/years especially when my period would arrive.

Uclh called and have postponed my consultation from Tuesday next week to just before Xmas. Welcome to the nhs eh? I can see that being cancelled too because it will get too close to Xmas. What a pain.

Cos, big hug for you. You've been so incredibly brave, I think sometimes these things catch up with us. You are a wonderful, kind and thoughtful person and don't deserve this crap.

Rabbit, I'm a bit thirstier than usual. I guess a lot of water goes into egg making. I wouldn't read anything into not feeling anything yet. Yesterday was the first time I felt a bit of ovary twinge and I think that was only because the dr poked around so much. Today I'm back to normal, except tmi but I'm a bit constipated.

Joy, oh rubbish about cancellation. More waiting is not what you need.

How is the songbird today, joy?

Handhold to Cos. You have been through so much. I can't say anything more or better than what Joy has already said. None of us are bad at this. It's unfair. Just wanted to give you a big hug and handhold.

Rabbit. Sorry to hear about the dryness. Keep drinking the water. I am hopeful for you. Good luck for tomorrow.

Joy. Grrr at UCLH for postponing your appointment. I'm so pleased you had a useful follow up. I do find some of their docs v human when they step off their conveyer belt for a breather.

Waves to all.

Good luck for the scan, rabbit.

Good luck for today Rabbit, big paw squeeze, let us know how you get on.

Thanks for the hand holding last night.

Scan wasn't good one follie on each side and some very little ones. My fears have been spot on at every point in this wretched journey. I feel rubbish.

Big squeeze rabbit, the little ones may well get bigger, and keep repeating, it only takes one. Doll didn't produce loads and look at her now. It's not all about numbers. You're doing really well, keep going.

Handhold for rabbit
Cos is right... you only need one and others can still catch up.
I have read so many ff boards where people have produced a small number of eggs and it's worked and we all know that lots of eggs doesn't necessarily mean good quality. I know it's hard but it's not over - not by a long shot.
Stay positive lovely rabbit
I am still cheering on your egglets!

MrsD How are you doing? Is it all happening on Monday?

Rabbit, remember my first scan didn't seem good, all different sizes, most of them small. There was a big difference in two days so hold on in there. One on each side sounds good to me considering you were told one ovary wasn't even working. Those small ones have time to catch up, when is the next scan?

Trigger for me tonight. Is the ovitrelle an in the tummy injection too? I stupidly forgot to ask. I'm worried that nothing is happening down there, I can't feel anything today, I don't even have any bloating. I'll be glad when this week is over.

Rabbit, also I know what you mean about your fears. I have never yet had a scan where everything has been as it should. The drs always seem puzzled by me and it's never all tickety boo. I associate bad things with scans and I think I sometimes interpret them more badly than they are. I'm not saying this is the case with you, but I want you to know that you're not alone in thinking that you only ever get bad news. If they can get two eggs out of this cycle then that will give you a good chance, you went into this thinking you might not get to ec but there are now two follies doing their thing and others trying.

Joy, I'm glad you had a good debrief the other day. I thought you'd had genetic Tests on the embryos you miscarried and they were ok, so why did he think it was a genetics problem? Have you both had a full karotype screen? Did you not do a mild cycle? I hadn't realised you'd done long protocol, definitely think its worth trying a different protocol. It would be great if the nhs will offer you that.

Mrsd, Ovitrelle is a tummy injection. I did it a couple of inches away from the belly button when I used it for iui.
Good luck and big handhold.

Thanks sea. The ovitrelle is done, it's a nice injection. I couldn't feel it at all, not at all like the ones I've been taking for the last two weeks that have been very stingy. It's funny how they vary so much depending in the contents.

Well done MrsD. Now you should put your feet up and have a nice cup of herbal tea, relax and think happy thoughts. Let those egglets do their job.

I found it quite painless too although I don't have a lot of experience with stabbing but compared to the Humira, Ovitrelle was completely painless.

Good luck for tomorrow!

Hello all,

Checking in with a big good luck for mrsd tomorrow. You will be absolutely fine. Did you're cider what to do about work? I had to cancel a big meeting because I had no idea if I would be off on Friday or Monday. It is very frustrating but it will be worth it in the end. Will MrD have the whole day off to look after you? I hope so.

rabbit I am sorry the scan wasn't reassuring but my first round was very similar to start with. The little follies took a while to get going. The important thing is that you are growing eggs - from both sides - and you have a great chance of ending up with embies. Hang in there.

critter lovely to see you!

joy so frustrating when appointments are postponed. I found the nhs fantastic overall but definitely just had to go with the flow and do as they asked. I always imagined private would be different but your last clinic didn't sound like they were very accommodating either! A mild cycle sounds like a great plan for you.

cos lovely you have been through so much and you must allow yourself to grieve when you need to. You have been so strong and supportive to everyone here. I have every faith that you will get there.

sea I so hope that the mayo bags do the job. This process has been so long and drawn out for you. The clinic does not sound pleasant but if it gets results, that's what matters!

nelly I have been thinking of you often and I really understood what you said about secretly hoping for a BFP once you settle on donor eggs. Every cycle before treatment (whether the endo drugs or ivf) I got my hopes up that maybe we would have a surprise pregnancy and I could just ring up and cancel. It is impossible to turn off that little hopeful voice. I agrees ugh euro I don't think I could ever have truly stopped trying unless using contraception.

I can absolutely understand your desire to see the back of this year. I have every hope that it will end with a big fat Christmas present in the shape of a positive pee stick. You have so earned it.

sar so close!!

Big waves to everyone else. I have been trying to avoid mumsnet as much as possible in the run up to the scan on Wednesday. Am feeling well but can't shake the fear that this scan will not go our way. I hope that after Wednesday we might be able to relax and enjoy this at least a little.

You're cider????? You decide!

Thanks mad and sea. I've been feeling a little anxious today. I don't like having to have a ga, and I'm also worried that there might be no eggs and I'm going to be massively disappointed.

I'm going to have to call in sick in the morning. I hate doing this, and letting people down but I have no other option. I had booked holiday for thurs and fri so I couldn't book tomorrow too. The last time I had a day off sick was the last Ivf in April so it's not something I make a habit of. I'm just hoping I don't get questioned too much about what was wrong with me and that I only need to take one day off.

Mad, the scan is so close. I'm positive it will be all good news. How have you been feeling?

Is there any news from doll? Baby doll must be on he scene by now I think.

Rabbit, how are you doing today?

Totally understandable worries mrsd but as you are sure things will be ok for me, I am sure you'll be alright too. Two sick days in that time frame shouldn't raise any concerns but I would feel the same. You just make sure to take it easy and let MrD take care of you. Some things are more important than work.

I've been feeling fine really. No sickness at all!! Just huge breasts and rather dramatic mood swings - which MrM had lots of practice with during downregging. This is the longest in my adult life that I have been consistently pain free from the endo which is a real relief. Just want to get past the next hurdle and be able to tell people openly. So hopeful that you and the others will be joining us soon xx

mrsd thinking of you tomorrow, you are more important than work right now

rabbit big hand hold for tomorrow

mad a big hello

waves to everyone else