Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

I'm ready for a flaming but just spent the last few hours sobbing and I need to talk.

386 replies

internationallove985 · 18/07/2013 00:10

I have decided not to name change here for the simple reason you will know it's me by my post and if you're going to flame me or say "Well I told you so", it may as well be the real me. I have posted here rather chat because I have opened up to more people on the conceptions threads.

Most of you know my situation for those that don't I have been sleeping with a guy for the past 2 months in the hopes of getting pregnant. I usual see him on Wednesday day time and Fri evening but I couldn't see him today so we arranged to see each other tonight... Anyway he got to mine for about 9.30.
We went straight upstairs. Sorry if what I say next is T.M.I but I gave him oral and yes rightly or wrongly expected it back but just as he was about to cum he pushed me down on the bed and dtd (with no foreplay) and came in less than a minute got up got dressed and said "I'm going now". I feel so used. I might as well be honest it felt a bit uncomfortable and I bled a little. The only time I've ever bled after sex is when I lsot my virginity.
I know I've been allowing myself to get used. I have never felt emotive after sex but I have just spent the past few hours sobbing. I'm in no way trying to cry rape as that was not the case at all, not once did I struggle or say no, but a little consideration would not have gone a miss. I just couldn't believe the change in him.
He is going away tommorow for a few weeks which now I am glad about as it will give me time to think. I'm sure he'd be mortified if he knew how he'd made me feel, do I tell him I feel used or do I just put it down to a quickie and rough sex. xx

OP posts:
yamsareyammy · 21/07/2013 08:39

I will pm you if that is ok.
It is a post you put on a different thread, not to do with your talks on conception.

Original poster
internationallove985 · 21/07/2013 08:42

Yeah that's fine Yamsareyammy. x

OP posts:
Roshbegosh · 21/07/2013 08:53

It isn't about wanting a baby that adds up to sn, it's about wanting a baby this way. I dont see evidence of sn here, just stupidity.
What you are doing is wrong. If you get pregnant you will have to tell your child that their father used you to relieve himself, you knew you were nothing to him, he thought you used contraceptives. Mum and dad both to blame for the mess. Does he have money to support you and baby? Why have you picked this particular shit?

Writerwannabe83 · 21/07/2013 08:56

I think she'd pick any guy to be honest .

I think that in order to be 'good enough' to be the father of her child, the only quality he needs is the ability to ejaculate.

Original poster
internationallove985 · 21/07/2013 09:43

Roshbegosh. I don't care what way I get my baby as long as I get him/her. I believe all children are beautiful and precious regardless of the circcumstances of their conception.
If he doesn't want to be around I have enough love and money to support him/her.
Ideally I'd love to meet someone and fall in love but my life isn't a fairy tale and I don't exactly have buckets of time on my hands x
Yes Writerwannabe. I will love my child despite who the father is. Whatever the situation it certainly wont/wouldn't be the baby's fault would it. x

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 21/07/2013 09:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Writerwannabe83 · 21/07/2013 09:52

You are right, it won't be the baby's fault - it will be yours... Hmm

TeaAndANatter · 21/07/2013 10:05

I am utterly disgusted by some of the comments on this thread. I've not read them all, just a skimmed sample, but was horrified that a thread in which the OP wrote for some comfort around what (to me) is rape, and certainly was unwanted sex (in so much as it was not wanted or consented to in that way), has become an opportunity for the great and good of mumsnet to get stuck in on a moral rant about other aspects of this poster's life and choices.

The OP did give details of the context of this episode, but it was clearly not the focus of the post. Where is the sisterhood in our community if we use even a sexual assault/abusive sex as the chance to get out typing fingers into some good juicy back biting shit?

It does not matter what this poster is doing (room enough for that on other threads/other days). It does not and will never warrant abusive sex. Would any of us say that our mothers, sisters, daughters 'deserve' to be sexually assaulted or abused because they make crap decisions in other aspects of their lives? Frankly, in the context of someone posting for help and support about unwanted sex, I don't give a rat's ass WHAT they're doing in their wider lives. It really doesn't matter.

OP, I would recommend that you consider phoning either your local Rape Crisis. You don't need to have been raped, or to label what has happened to you as rape to be supported there. The national number (if you don't want to look up your local) is 0808 802 9999, or Scotland 0808 801 0302. Apologies if someone else has already posted this earlier, I didn't have the heart to read in detail some of the previous posts.

Whatever your future choices, I wish you the very best, and hope that things work out for you. x

Fairylea · 21/07/2013 10:11

You do realise don't you that you are emotionally involved with this man, and I think quite in love with him? Why else would you let a fuck buddy treat you like utter shit and then worry so much about what he's doing / what to say / whatever else.

If all you want is sex, trust me there are LOTS of men out there who would have sex with no strings.

But you're clearly attached to this particular man.

Which makes me wonder what is going to happen if and when you do get pregnant. Are you expecting him to want to play happy families? Because I doubt that's going to happen. He is an arse and he will continue to be an arse and if he wants to see his baby then he will be a permanent arse in yours and your existing child's life.

I cannot stress to you enough you need to do a full std check NOW and not have unprotected sex again. How would your existing child cope if you contracted AIDs for example? Seriously, could happen! You really don't know what he's doing or who he's doing the rest of the time he's not with you. Totally irresponsible parenting on your part to put yourself at risk like this.

Do what I did. I am twice divorced. I wanted another child. I went online dating, plenty of fish. Kissed a lot of frogs. Then met my dh, we married and had a ds - took us 1 year and a bit to conceive as we both had health issues but both desperately wanted a child. Dh loves and adores my older dd like his own.

Don't waste your time on twats. Get online dating. Meet new people.

Writerwannabe83 · 21/07/2013 10:23

I met my husband through Plenty of fish too Grin

Roshbegosh · 21/07/2013 10:40

teaandnatter yes the sex is abusive and hideous without a doubt but she wants to continue to get his sperm. She could say no but chooses to say yes. Will rape crisis help with that?

Writerwannabe83 · 21/07/2013 10:47

Exactly - she has already agreed to meet up with him when he gets back off his holidays so they can try and work things out and then have baby (obviously he doesn't know about he latter). She even said herself she would probably sleep with him when she first sees him.

I can't say I'd be feeling the same about a man who had just 'raped' me .. Hmm

TeaAndANatter · 21/07/2013 10:52

She didn't choose to say yes to that kind of sex. That specific sex was not wanted or consensual. It hadn't been negotiated (as per wanted rough sex) or discussed.

The OPs own lack of discussion and negotiation about the potential pregnancy doesn't negate her own right to not be sexually abused. Her choice to continue trying to get pregnant with an abusive male does not give him the right to be abusive. That's tantamount to suggesting that women who are domestically abused are giving the male the right to do so simply because they stay.

For whatever reason, the OP feels a need to do this. I'm not going to make a comment on the morals of that, that's not what this thread was started for. It means that she is in a vulnerable situation with an abusive partner, and doesn't feel that she can negotiate her safety, or leave. Rape Crisis and Women's Aid would both be happy to support women who are experiencing sexual abuse, whether they choose to stay or to leave the relationship. The morals of whatever women do outside an episode of unwanted sex aren't judged in either of those agencies.

Hope this helps make my post clearer.

TeaAndANatter · 21/07/2013 10:58

Hi Writer.

Most rape happens within relationships, as it happens. Stranger rape is very uncommon, and 'date' rape whilst unfortunately much more common, is still less numerically than rape within ongoing relationships.

There is a huge variety of reasons that women (and men in abusive relationships) stay in abusive relationships, and for many of them it's not as simple a choice as how they once thought they'd feel if they were ever raped. Being in that situation can change people's minds about what they think they'd do, and what a woman does in the circs of one assault can be totally different to the next woman, or even the same woman in a different situation of abuse.

What you or I might do in that situation (and for lots and lots of different reasons I don't imagine we'd be in exactly quite that situation) pretty much isn't relevant, if you see what I mean.

yamsareyammy · 21/07/2013 11:21

TeaAndANatter, i would suggest you read the other thread too.

The problem is that this poster is willing to go back for more. It seems to me, she will go to whatever lengths it takes to conceive. And I mean, whatever it takes.

The poster is vulnerable in the extreme.

DayOldCheesecake · 21/07/2013 11:31

It's not rape just because he didn't take you out for lobster & champagne at a Michelin-starred restaurant and give you the best sex you've ever had complete with MOs via oral sex. Fgs.

Stop acting like a sex toy and maybe you'll get "made love to" as opposed to "fucked".

Roshbegosh · 21/07/2013 11:32

She is certainly vulnerable in the extreme, but can you call this a relationship? They are fuck buddies, that is what it is, consensual sex with someone who is nothing to you.

yamsareyammy · 21/07/2013 11:36

This thread is the second of the two threads.

I am getting confused as to what I have said on which thread.

The other part of the problem is, is that this poster, I think, craves love. And she is slightly falling for this man.

Plus which, she has done this before with another man [from what I can understand], and she "got away with it" last time.

And there is another issue.
Talked about on the other thread.

Writerwannabe83 · 21/07/2013 11:41

Hi Tea - I know that a lot of rape occurs in relationships/marriages, sadly so, and I completely understand how the dynamic of a relationship makes the woman too scared to leave him for a variety of reasons.

However, this is a man that International has only known for 2 months and she meets up with him on Wednesdays and Fridays for casual sex due to her secret desire to have a baby. That is not a relationship by any means.

There are men everywhere who would quite happily have sex with her if she offered it and therefore I don't understand what it is about their 'relationship' that means she feels she has to stay with a man who raped her??? Hmm

Writerwannabe83 · 21/07/2013 11:48

And when I say, "Stay with him" I mean that in the loosest of terms as they aren't even together. She admitted herself that she doesn't even know if he is married or not.

I guess I meant

"There are men everywhere who would quite happily have sex with her if she offered it and therefore I don't understand what is so profound about this 'relationship' that would justify why she wants to see again a man who raped her??? Hmm

RaRaZ · 21/07/2013 12:09

I don't understand the reason this man is being condemned as a rapist Hmm - the OP said herself that it wasn't rape. They have an agreement that they meet up for sex every Wed and Fri. He turned up on Wed and had sex with her. Apparently she had a slightly different idea of what she wanted to happen after going down on him, but she never at any point told him that. What would you expect him to do, stop after every position and ask for written consent to continue in another? If two parties willingly start having sex and one of them changes their mind part way through, it's up to that party to inform the other!

Chubfuddler · 21/07/2013 12:26

It's probably much too late to say this, and no doubt it's been said before but op this is a fucking bad idea. This man, if he fathers your child, is not just a sperm donor. In fact even a sperm donor isn't just am anonymous provider of cells anymore.

If he finds out you get pregnant with his child he could apply for pr and contact and get it. Do you want that? Because "he was just a casual fuck I was using for his DNA so please don't give me contact with my baby" is unlikely to wash with a court.

He probably assumes you are on the pill. He's indifferent to barrier contraception. He could have diseases and give them to you and your child.

You must be mad.

Champagnebubble · 21/07/2013 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yamsareyammy · 21/07/2013 12:32

international, can I ask, how did you meet this man?
Or am I right in thinking that you knew him from school?

chipmonkey · 21/07/2013 12:38

I don't know if I would call it rape but what he did was very aggressive. I would think it would need to be very rough for her to bleed. I don't usually talk about my sex life on here but in all the years we've been together, dh and I have sometimes had fairly fast and furious sex, it has never made me bleed.

international, please don't have sex with him again. He has no respect for you, you have no idea who else he is sleeping with and you are risking your health and life. And even if it wasn't rape this time, do you honestly feel safe with him?

There are men out there who are willing to donate sperm, who will be screened and tested and will definitely want no involvement with the child. Why don't you consider that?