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Conception

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See all MNHQ comments on this thread

I'm ready for a flaming but just spent the last few hours sobbing and I need to talk.

386 replies

internationallove985 · 18/07/2013 00:10

I have decided not to name change here for the simple reason you will know it's me by my post and if you're going to flame me or say "Well I told you so", it may as well be the real me. I have posted here rather chat because I have opened up to more people on the conceptions threads.

Most of you know my situation for those that don't I have been sleeping with a guy for the past 2 months in the hopes of getting pregnant. I usual see him on Wednesday day time and Fri evening but I couldn't see him today so we arranged to see each other tonight... Anyway he got to mine for about 9.30.
We went straight upstairs. Sorry if what I say next is T.M.I but I gave him oral and yes rightly or wrongly expected it back but just as he was about to cum he pushed me down on the bed and dtd (with no foreplay) and came in less than a minute got up got dressed and said "I'm going now". I feel so used. I might as well be honest it felt a bit uncomfortable and I bled a little. The only time I've ever bled after sex is when I lsot my virginity.
I know I've been allowing myself to get used. I have never felt emotive after sex but I have just spent the past few hours sobbing. I'm in no way trying to cry rape as that was not the case at all, not once did I struggle or say no, but a little consideration would not have gone a miss. I just couldn't believe the change in him.
He is going away tommorow for a few weeks which now I am glad about as it will give me time to think. I'm sure he'd be mortified if he knew how he'd made me feel, do I tell him I feel used or do I just put it down to a quickie and rough sex. xx

OP posts:
runningforthebusinheels · 24/07/2013 22:08

Well, I think he's not supposed to force himself upon her. If you picture the scene - she's just given him a blow job - so what - he can just roughly enter her? No.

Consent is not a grey area. A woman doesn't have to say "No" for it not to be consensual - a man has to ensure she's consenting, enthusiastically consenting. (Unless you're in the realms of bdsm and 'safe words' I suppose). And that means not shoving her down on the bed and entering her, hurting her, and making her bleed, straight after a blow job, when she's not ready. It doesn't mean she has to sign a contract of consent between each sexual activity ffs, it's just a matter of communication between 2 adults.

This should be fairly high up on the sex-ed agenda for yr 6's, imo.

Secretswitch · 24/07/2013 22:19

The OP did state anywhere in this thread she wanted guidance, assistance or approval of her lifestyle choices. She posted a thread about a sexual incident that hurt and upset her. Bit disingenuous to speak of concern, eh?

Cupcake11 · 24/07/2013 22:19

Writer - just so you know you're not going mad, I can't understand it either. If they weren't already in a regular, consensual sexual relationship I would expect him to ask permission but every single time seems a bit strange for me. Not referring to this case in particular but in general.
I would also imagine feeling used by someone who is openly only using you for sex is inevitable but not nice all the same. I really hope you manage to find a way of getting your baby without hurting anyone, including yourself International.

Writerwannabe83 · 24/07/2013 22:19

Well, seeing as many people on here have decided this man is a rapist based on the description International has given, maybe she needs your guidance to see how wrong she is when she says she wasn't raped or assaulted.

Maybe deep down in her heart she knows that what he did was wrong, but our worry is that she will let him continue to treat her like that anyway just because she is so desperate to have a baby.

That is why people are worried and why we are frustrated that she can't see what a potentially dangerous situation she is putting herself in.

If she was raped/assaulted, which only she knows - I don't see how any desire to have a baby can outweigh the seriousness of what he did. But obviously, OP doesn't see it as serious enough to warrant not seeing him again. As someone else has said, maybe she has feelings for him that she didn't plan on - which makes the whole thing even scarier. If he knows she has feelings for him I'm sure he will use and abuse that to his advantage.

This isn't going to have a happy ending I fear - and we all just hope that OP doesn't get seriously hurt in the process of baby making.

runningforthebusinheels · 24/07/2013 22:27

I think, not to put too much of a fine point on it, if she's arching her pelvis towards yours, and shouting yes! you can assume she's consenting. If she's sighing in ecstasy, you can assume she's consenting. If she's looking at you with a Confused or an Angry face, she's not consenting. You need further verification... not a signed contract or anything, just an 'are you ok with this?' will do. Especially with new lovers/fuck buddies. Obviously married old timers (like myself) work out our own script over time.

Writerwannabe83 · 24/07/2013 22:37

just an 'are you ok with this will do?

You are completely right, but for men to ask this they would have to care about the person they are having sex with and they'd have to care what the woman's answer would be - and therein lies the problem with having a fuck buddy Sad

Fuck buddies do not normally have en emotional connection I guess. It is usually just meet up, have sex, go home - the end. Every Wednesday and Friday as is the OP's arrangement with this guy.

He clearly doesn't care about her and her feelings and she needs to realise that and end things with him.

I don't think she will though unfortunately Sad

runningforthebusinheels · 24/07/2013 22:39

I think therein lies the problem - if some men are going around thinking - it's just a fuck buddy, I don't need to worry about her then those men seriously need to think about their actions.

runningforthebusinheels · 24/07/2013 22:41

Because, you know, it is sexual assault - in both legal and moral terms.

And those particular men need to know that.

runningforthebusinheels · 24/07/2013 22:47

Men absolutely do not have to care about the woman they are sex with to ensure they are sexually assaulting her.

They absolutely have a duty of care to ensure that even a ONS or casual acquaintance is consenting to what they do. Otherwise it's sexual assault. Plain and simple.

runningforthebusinheels · 24/07/2013 22:47

*not sexually assaulting her Blush

Secretswitch · 24/07/2013 22:48

I know it will be difficult for some poster's to comprehend, but sex worker's have the right to say no to sex. Even after the dude has paid gasp Any woman, regardless of her sexual status gets to decide if/when she is penetrated.
The OP is not asking for your help, advice or ...worry...She posted about an upsetting sexual incident. The end.

Writerwannabe83 · 24/07/2013 22:49

I don't need to worry about her then those men seriously need to think about their actions

But on equal measure, the women need to know they deserve better and stop letting themselves be used.

There is a saying (that I can't remember word for word) but it basically says people will treat you in the way that you let them treat you.

If OP knows deep down she was raped/assaulted and does not stand up to him, end it, and/or take legal action, then what message is she giving him? She is saying that it is ok for him to treat her like that - which obviously it isn't.

However, they have a mutual agreement about their 'arrangement' and OP has said she told him how she felt and he apologised. Hopefully, it was a one off error made in the heat of the moment that he will never repeat - but possibly not.

Like I said, I just hope she doesn't end up getting hurt.

runningforthebusinheels · 24/07/2013 22:53

Don't blame the op for what was done to her, writer. She did not deserve that.

fifi669 · 24/07/2013 22:56

It's not! Stop dramatising! They were engaging in sexual activity, she expected a bit of attention back but he skipped that and went to sex. She felt used because of this. That's all. OP is not scared of him. She did not say or suggest in any way that the activity was going in a way she didn't want. It's not normal to ask for permission between sexual activities, it's natural to progress. I know what sexual assault/rape is, I've read MNHQ WBY. This isn't relevant.

It was a mutually beneficial arrangement, with obvious lack of communication. It's car crash stuff, but it's her business.

OP says.... And I'll point this out again. She was not raped or sexually assaulted. She is not scared if him, he's not violent.

runningforthebusinheels · 24/07/2013 23:00

Fifi - the op quite plainly states that something happened to her that she did not want. Stop making excuses - there are no excuses. Even if he wanted his sperm (and I don't for a minute condone that) it does not excuse his actions. She didn't want it. It was non-consensual.

Writerwannabe83 · 24/07/2013 23:01

I'm NOT blaming the Op at all - I can't believe you think I am!!

This is the first time it has happened and what I'm saying is that if she hadn't take action then he would have thought it was ok to treat her like that - which it isn't. I said she has confronted him (which is a good thing) and that I hope that it never happens again.

Where on earth did I say she deserved it??

runningforthebusinheels · 24/07/2013 23:01

Oh, and rapists don't have to be violent for it to be rape you know Hmm

Secretswitch · 24/07/2013 23:04

International, I wish you the best of luck. Please pm me if I can be supportive in any way. For personal reasons I must hide this thread. The rape apologist on here vile. Love and hugs..

Writerwannabe83 · 24/07/2013 23:07

What she wanted was oral sex first but it didn't happen.
But she obviously wanted sex with him because she is trying to conceive his baby - that is the entire point of their 'relationship'.

They meet up for sex - nothing else.
Of course the guy is going to think it's on the cards. Just to clarify; in no way am I saying a woman is asking for it if she is in a FWB set-up, but I'm just trying to see it from an outsider, as how the guy may have seen their encounter.

If the poster was raped/assaulted (and only she knows that) then obviously that is awful - but I feel uncomfortable that everyone is labelling this guy as a rapist because of a one sided story we have heard, when even the OP hasn't labelled him as one.

If the OP says she wasn't raped, or assaulted, isn't scared of him and is happy to see him and have sex with him again then why are people refusing to believe her?

runningforthebusinheels · 24/07/2013 23:11

Because what he did was wrong, writer. Its as simple as that. No reason in the world can make what he did ok.

littlemisssarcastic · 24/07/2013 23:12

This whole thread has made my blood run cold.

The complete selfishness of one individual, to get what she wants at any cost, and let's face it, the cost will be to the child if OP conceives.

OP, I don't think you have thought about the child that may be born out of this at all. This is all about you, what you want, how you want to go about it and what you will do to get what you want.

My mind sees a child who is not loved by one of their parents, because you chose to conceive with someone who you know is a selfish man who is only interested in his own needs.

When you are having these ONS's and putting yourself at risk time and time again, where is your other child?
Certainly not in your thoughts when you are risking your health and even your life over and over and over again in your desperate quest to have another child. Will you stop putting your health at risk then?

I wish women such as you would stop for one minute and think, really think about the risks you are taking. Your child may actually want to know their father, they may actually want a relationship with their father, yet you have robbed them of that opportunity before they were even conceived. Your child will probably want to grow up with a mother who loves them, not a mother who has contracted debilitating diseases or worse still dies due to not protecting herself.

If you have the money to support a child, why on gods green earth wouldn't you just use a bloody sperm donor? To protect your health?

Your DC are highly likely to only have one parent from the word go anyway, yet you are putting your life at risk to fulfil a need that can be fulfilled in a much safer way. It makes no sense.

Selfish and irresponsible, the pair of you.

fifi669 · 24/07/2013 23:26

She herself says im not trying to call rape, that was not the case at all... But a little consideration would not have gone a miss

Jesus if every time a man wasn't considerate of a woman's feelings he was banged up....

I'm not a rape apologist. He hasn't raped anyone. He's a selfish lover, that's it.

Must now go upstairs and prepare consent firms in triplicate before I dtd.

All men aren't evil you know. Because they're encounter didn't go the way she planned doesn't make her a victim. Consent was implied when she went down on him and didn't revoke it at any point with words or actions. Simple.

runningforthebusinheels · 24/07/2013 23:32

Who said all men are evil? Nobody. Just this man's actions were bad and wrong. Why protect him? This one man did something that hurt the op. She's said so. It hurt her physically and made her bleed. she cried for hours she said. Why would you stick for a man that does this?

Writerwannabe83 · 24/07/2013 23:32

I agree with both posts!

Anyways - I'm off to bed. Goodnight all Smile

runningforthebusinheels · 24/07/2013 23:42

Nobody, but nobody, has the right to put to put it in you without your consent. Whether you've just given them a blow job, whether you're fwb's, whether you're wearing a short skirt, whether they're the heir to the throne. Nobody. Know that.

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