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See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

I'm ready for a flaming but just spent the last few hours sobbing and I need to talk.

386 replies

internationallove985 · 18/07/2013 00:10

I have decided not to name change here for the simple reason you will know it's me by my post and if you're going to flame me or say "Well I told you so", it may as well be the real me. I have posted here rather chat because I have opened up to more people on the conceptions threads.

Most of you know my situation for those that don't I have been sleeping with a guy for the past 2 months in the hopes of getting pregnant. I usual see him on Wednesday day time and Fri evening but I couldn't see him today so we arranged to see each other tonight... Anyway he got to mine for about 9.30.
We went straight upstairs. Sorry if what I say next is T.M.I but I gave him oral and yes rightly or wrongly expected it back but just as he was about to cum he pushed me down on the bed and dtd (with no foreplay) and came in less than a minute got up got dressed and said "I'm going now". I feel so used. I might as well be honest it felt a bit uncomfortable and I bled a little. The only time I've ever bled after sex is when I lsot my virginity.
I know I've been allowing myself to get used. I have never felt emotive after sex but I have just spent the past few hours sobbing. I'm in no way trying to cry rape as that was not the case at all, not once did I struggle or say no, but a little consideration would not have gone a miss. I just couldn't believe the change in him.
He is going away tommorow for a few weeks which now I am glad about as it will give me time to think. I'm sure he'd be mortified if he knew how he'd made me feel, do I tell him I feel used or do I just put it down to a quickie and rough sex. xx

OP posts:
GoshAnneGorilla · 21/07/2013 14:56

Yams - I have indeed seen the other threads. I will not say much more. Just be careful people.

ZingWidge · 21/07/2013 14:57

yamser

that is one of the things that leaves me cold about this.

you do not have a child in order to have someone to love you back!
for that you get a dog

ZingWidge · 21/07/2013 14:58

juicy has been vaporized...that was quick

Writerwannabe83 · 21/07/2013 14:58

Or a cat if you are more so inclined Grin

I have 2 kitties and they are my little angels Grin x

YoureAllABunchOfBastards · 21/07/2013 15:04

Are you Liz Jones?

Writerwannabe83 · 21/07/2013 15:07

Who is Liz Jones?

ZingWidge · 21/07/2013 15:12

who the fuck is Liz Jones?
and just who the fuck is Alice?

and I still don't know who Sharon is.....Sad

Luxlisbon82 · 21/07/2013 15:13

An inflammatory, narcissistic journalist for the daily mail who writes about her uninteresting life and spends a lot of time saying 'poor me'. Her online articles incite a huge reaction and she is very skilled at rubbing people up the wrong way. Check out the daily mail app for her latest one and it might give you an idea of what yaabob means.

Writerwannabe83 · 21/07/2013 15:15

Oh I see Grin

I will go and have a read....

Itstartshere · 21/07/2013 15:18

'Rape is a lot more than just rough sex. Had the OP said 'no' or pushed her FWB away, cried/cried out with pain, asked him to be gentle and been ignored/etc, THEN it would be rape.'

SO glad to see that rape myths are alive and well, despite MN's excellent campaign. Plenty of rape victims do none of the sort and they have still been raped.

Luxlisbon82 · 21/07/2013 15:19

She writes in the 'You' section of the free app. I'm ashamed that I know this and wouldn't admit to it in RL but it is terribly amusing and at the same time sad that someone gets continuously allowed to publicise such drivel.

MNHQ
RowanMumsnet · 21/07/2013 16:10

Hello

We like to think of Mumsnet as a place where our users can conduct robust debates about even difficult topics - so long as it's all done within our Guidelines.

As many of you will know, on threads like these we do ask people to take a look at our We Believe You page on rape myths.

We think that it's quite possible for some genuine posters to post rape myths out of ignorance and incomplete understanding - and we won't necessarily remove those posts.

We will, however, remove posts that we think are purely inflammatory in intention, or that we believe are deliberately re-stating rape myths despite other posters' efforts to inform.

We may also remove posts by previously banned trolls.

Thanks
MNHQ

Itstartshere · 21/07/2013 16:12

Thank you Rowan

Secretswitch · 21/07/2013 16:17

Dear Rowan, thank you very much. Difficult to understand how many posters seem to think compassion for rape survivors is reserved for only for people with approved life styles.

Secretswitch · 21/07/2013 16:19

International, I hope you are doing better. You have the right to decide who and what enters your body.

Viviennemary · 21/07/2013 16:27

If I understand the situation correctly, you are both using each other. But he sounds a horrible person and had no right to behave the way he did. So have no more to do with him ever and try to put this behind you. And think very carefully before entering another relationship. Get to know the person first and find out if he is kind and caring first before anything else happens.

ThoraNomiki · 21/07/2013 16:38

I wasn't going to come back to this thread after all the feminist-bashing and rape myths started (call me weak but I'm having a crap time and don't need the agro).
I just wanted to point out that the first person to use the word 'rape' was JuicyFatSteak up until then people were using terms like 'forced himself on' and 'horrible sex'. I think people were treading carefully (including myself) as it really should be up to the person who experiences something to decide whether they felt raped or not. In this case the OP has since made it very clear that she did not feel raped.
I am happy to accept the OP's feeling on that subject for her own individual experience.
What pissed me off is other people wading in deciding to tell the OP that she was not raped, based on a few lines in the OP, before she had even come back to clarify for herself.
There are people who might experience a similar situation to the OP (and may read threads like these) who do feel that they were raped/sexually assaulted. They might be discouraged from seeking help after reading some of the replies on here.
I don't think that people have to keep saying yes every time position or act of sex is changed but that a partner should be making sure, in other ways that their sexual partner is happy and equally continuing to enjoy things. Bad sex is not rape. Aggressive sex without consent (ie, when a partner has not given clear signals that that is what they like) could be considered rape but only the recipient should have the right to decide that.

Being aware of rape myths and trying to dispel them is not man-bashing. I personally really like a lot of men. I have a few in my life that I love and one that I am very much in love with. I don't think it hinders decent men, in any way, to encourage them not to engage in rough sex with a woman without first finding out if it was something she might like.

Ps. (and I still think it's irrelevant to this particular thread) I would hate for one of the men in my life to be tricked into fathering a child against his will but any man who feels so strongly about not becoming a father should do his best to prevent it. International for your own sake and for that of your hopefully-as-yet un-conceived child and the one you already have, please consider other options for conceiving a child. Children born as a result of sperm donation may have the right to seek out their biological fathers in the future...

Secretswitch · 21/07/2013 16:47

ThoraNomiki, thank you for your beautifully written post. Everything I wanted to express, only in a cogent eloquent way.

Itstartshere · 21/07/2013 16:56

^That

Original poster
internationallove985 · 21/07/2013 18:25

Once again thank you to all of you who have given me support. It is much appriciated. Also thank you Rowan for pointing out about talk guidelines. x

OP posts:
edward49582 · 21/07/2013 18:43

you do not have a child in order to have someone to love you back

Really? Because the ONLY reason we have decided we want a child is to have someone to love and to love us in return.

We aren't having a child so we can be proud of his achievements, or so others can admire his beauty, strength or wit. Obviously if he (or she) has those qualities that would be fantastic, but for the child, not for us.

Love is the only motivation for having a child that counts as far as I can see. And much as I love animals I feel to compare a baby to a dog or a cat is grossly insulting.

valiumredhead · 21/07/2013 18:48

Yes why do you have a child then?

MissStrawberry · 21/07/2013 19:01

You know something, because they are both using each other does not make this okay. There could be a baby coming through all this. An actual human being born through crap sex to a couple who barely seem to like each other never mind love and where one party doesn't appear to want a baby.

edward49582 · 21/07/2013 19:04

An actual human being born through crap sex to a couple who barely seem to like each other never mind love and where one party doesn't appear to want a baby.

she's hardly unique in that.

I feel the OP would be better seeking out sperm donation either through a trusted friend or anonymously via a clinic but truth be told, the above applies to so many children born to so many couples - or singles, as the case may be. So what are we to do?

I feel what we shouldn't do, for starters, is start making lists of reasons why it's OK to have a child and lists why it isn't!

MissStrawberry · 21/07/2013 19:09

I never said she was and it is just more depressing that she isn't unique. Doesn't make it right because many people are doing it.

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