TRC 10+ months. Part 15...

[MuddyWellyNelly]

New thread for the lovely 10+ers. 14 was awesome so another like that please!

Oh nellie, I'm so fucking sorry. I was so hopeful for you and feel gutted, so can't imagine how you must be feeling. I know after our failed 2nd cycle I was totally, utterly gut wrenchingly devastated. I started to think that not only did we have the diagnosed issues, but that there was something else wrong too. Ivf is truly the worst thing I've been through and we've had pretty much everything else shitty in our family. Big big hugs. I found having a plan of what to do next, once I stopped wailing, helped a bit.

mrsd your post made me v sad too. I vowed not to become one of those ladies that had 5 ivf cycles, but when facing giving up when I thought the FET hadn't worked, I just knew I couldn't. I am sure you will have success somewhere in your 3 cycles and next time are v likely to get something to freeze. You will feel better in a few days/weeks, I promise. We too had a 6 month gap between ivfs and I think it was a good thing, allowing me to physically and emotionally recover although summer was pretty hard. Tight hugs.

Come on fertility finger, please may it work for someone?!

mad and critter hope you are both ok.

grouch pleased to hear you've finally got an appt. If you're not bleeding, I'm sure that's a good sign?

sar hope you are ok. My symptoms vary massively day to day and dr google said that lots of people loose then around week 8, only for them to reappear around week 9. Although I know knowing that wont actually help and an all too familiar with the anxiety.

buzz the embies all sound excellent to me. I too was told 6-8cells were good on day 3, but what's in me was only a 3 cell on day 3! It def sounds like you are going to get some great blasts.

Waves and luffs to all. This Fred has had enough shit thrown at it and I really believe it's about time everyone won their babies, which they so thorough deserve xx

Gin, I take a lot of comfort from your story because I think your situation is the most similar to mine. You really do show that it's a numbers game.

big hugs nelly i'm all over the place, i've hardly slept due to steroids, i'm fecking knackered but can't switch off nor can I concentrate on anything

barry is taking me out for a nice dinner as its our 5 year anniversary, I personally think its tomorrow but it doesn't really matter

I shall be back later

I really thing you should do mrsd (and everyone else with failed cycles behind them). I think our situations are pretty much identical, except you got amazing fertilisation rates! Where you are, do they allow day 3 transfers? Is that the latest they will do? For us that was quite important, as lots of our embryos arrested day 2/3 and this helped sort out the better ones.

Gin - No bleeding just ballooning, giant, heavy sore breasts and occasional PMT-style cramps that I try to wish away. I have probably gained 1/2 a cup and look ridiculous (doesn't help I started at a 34F).

How far along are you now?

They're not allowed to destroy embryos. And the legal definition is when it's two cell I think. After that point they all have to be transferred regardless of their development so they have to be frozen before the two cell stage or transferred. If the next two rounds fail (we get these at 50% cost) then we will either give up or have a third round in a country with less strict laws.

X post.

Buzzy - I hope you enjoy your lovely meal with Barry. I'm sorry the steroids are mucking you about.

Evening ladies. So sorry that it's been such a sad day. Things in our household are a bit melancholy too, what with trying to work out what's happening in hospitals a long way from here.... I can't go into detail but suffice it to say that growing old can be pretty damn miserable .

mrsd I am still in ivf limbo but I know the feeling that surely, having been here from the beginning, it is time to get our just rewards. And knowing that it is a numbers game doesn't stop us from hoping that we will be the lucky ones where it works first time and we can get off this rollercoaster.

nelly this is such utter rubbish. I will continue to hope for you until the fat beta lady has finally sung but I can only imagine how you must be feeling. Not having anything on ice makes the whole process seem so final.

sar please listen to the ladies who know what they're talking about and get yourself a private scan if you need to. I am so sure that you are going to be fine but I'm sure that that is little comfort to you at the moment. Think of what you would be saying to us in the same circumstances. You always have something lovely and positive and hopeful for others.

Sounds brilliant buzzy! Roll on ET!

I am so sorry for not name checking everyone. I am at a bit of a low point myself. I keep reminding myself that everything that I think might be a pregnancy symptom is something that I have felt before even in months when I was downregging and not having sex so I need to try to manage my expectations. I so want to give MrM's parents a grandchild (and my mother as well of course) but it feels like not managing it in these last three years might mean that it will be too late .

Okay I need to go, but big waves to joy, gin, pout, euro, doll, art, lemon, critter, sweet, sea and apologies to anyone I've missed.

mrsd the time will fly by, you know. We started our last cycle in January, and it really doesn't seem that long ago at all. In some ways I wish I had a bit more time to get in shape (physically and mentally) before going again, but in terms of work schedules, now is a good time to crack on so we will.

critter how are you doing?

buzz sorry to hear the steroids are messing with you. They affected my sleep and concentration levels too. At least you are "on holiday" at the moment. And soon I hope you will be able to blame it on baby brain! Enjoy your anniversary dinner!

Madness it's not too late - you will get there!

AFM, I think AF is due very soon. Meaning it considerately waited until after I had (stupidly) spent the day in a brand new cream skirt. I clearly wasn't engaging brain when I got dressed this morning! I'm not sad about it. We didn't manage to dtd before ov, so I know there is no hope this month. I just want AF to arrive to mark the start of our second IVF cycle.

Sorry for all the unhappiness and anxiety on our little thread at the moment. Seems like we're paying for the run of good luck we had on thread 14. Massive squeezes to all of you in the tent, in despair, scared, angry, and exhausted. I so wish I could make it better.

No news here. It's only 3 days past my 5 day transfer- so 8 dpo. Got a long way to go yet. Started feeling mildly crampy today but nothing major. I keep having stress dreams that I'm late for things, or have forgotten something important. Also getting a cold sore, awesome. Trying not to over-obsess and focus on work

Doing a fly in with cake, chocolate, wine, sparkly knobs and cheese and biscuits. I'm so wholly sorry to mrsd and nelly. It's so grossly unfair and frustrating. I've been alongside you on this shitty path for a long time now - art you are right, fertility gods sort it out. I'm here if either of you need me.

Sar, so sorry the worries continue. But I believe for you that this is just your hormones being silly buggers.

Um, I'm unable to post much more as I'm a little inebriated. I had a horrible health scare this week but I'm far more in the clear today than I was. It's been gruelling as had it been what I thought it might be it would have been ttc game over. Life is hard. We toasted it tonight.

Buzzy, pout, grouch, doll, sea, critter, art, euro (you will still be totally gorgeous, glad all ok) Joyce, gin, lemon. Loves to you.

I hope you are ok rabbit. I don't like the sound of any of us having health scares on top of this ttc stuff. Euro, I'm glad the cyst removal was ok, and the smear too. Will you have long to wait for the results? I should probably try and fit in a smear before the next round.

Critter, you had a really strong blast put back so hopefully it's snuggling in nicely now. I had anxious dreams in the 2ww, I think it might have been the progesterone. I woke up one night in a complete terror, sweating, heart racing, hyperventilating. It was very scary.

I had really strong period cramps in the night, I took an ibuprofen and they went away but it's strange because I'm not actually bleeding yet. How long after stopping the progesterone does it take to come?

Mad, I hope your mil is doing ok. It's hard when you're not near family. I have the same sadness about not having a baby in time for some people to meet it.

Nelly, hoping for good news for you today, did you poas this morning?

I hate those threads about am I or aren't I pregnant? The op always turns out to be pregnant, it's like another planet to me. I was saying to dh last night that not being pregnant is normal to me, I don't expect it ever to be any different. It's just something that I can't imagine happening.

That sounds pretty frightening rabbit and I'm glad that it was a false alarm. MrM was terrified of having cancer a few years ago and it did make me realise there were worse things than not getting pregnant. I don't know what I'd do without him and I'm sure Hare feels the same about you. Hope your head isn't too sore this morning!

I've been wondering the same about the progesterone mrsd. I would normally have been spotting for about 4 days by now but nothing at all this month. I would love to think that's good news but probably just the progesterone doing its job. You will be pregnant one day. Just because you can't imagine it right now doesn't mean that it won't happen xx

Must dash. Will be thinking of you today nelly. Good luck.

Morning lovelies!

Sorry there has been such a run of misery here. Big hugs, cake and alcoholic beverages to the undiffed.

Keeping everything crossed for those PUPO. Especially nelly I popped in to say GOOD LUCK to you today.

So sorry about the health scare rabbit. Yay for toasting life now it is looking less petrifying!

Sorry for the unhappy news about hospitals and elderly madness I don't get it all, but it sounds crap.

Critter I get noticably hotter every cycle in the second half and I distinctly remember crazy dreams when diffed. So that is a high progesteron symptom. But with the bullets it is hard to seperate good news progesterone from no news...

Waves a squeezes to you all!

Oh no Rabbit that's just too much on top of TTC misery. I'm glad it's better news but huge hugs for you.

Mad I'm sorry you are having such a hard time too. There is no justice sometimes. As if everything we have to go through ourselves isn't enough.

Thanks for the good wishes. IC this morning was negative I think. I maybe imagined the merest shadow of a line but it could have been an evap or maybe not even there. Just waiting for bloods now. Results not till after 4 though.

MrN and I have fought. I still hold a huge amount of anger towards him for the 3 years he made me wait until we started TTC and that's not counting the years before when I knew he wasn't ready to hear it. Every time it goes wrong, the anger bubbles up again. Anyway I managed to find a way to communicate this while also telling him I was partly to blame as I should have made my own decisions better ie insisted we start trying or leave him, if I'd felt that strongly. Conclusion, I loved him too much to do that, so hence it was my "fault" as much as his; but I'd still like him to say he was sorry. Can't really capture it all in phone but I think what was said moved us forward. I hope.

Gotta go. Luffs to all.

rabbit i'm sorry to hear about the health scare. And I'm glad it was just a scare!

nelly I understand that anger. I was broody at around 31. We started trying when I was 34, almost 35. Now here I am at 37. I feel like I've wasted my 30s waiting. When he eventually proposed (we both knew we wanted to be married before having kids, so effectively that was him saying he was ready to ttc), I had decided he had until mid Feb. He proposed in mid-Jan, after 6 and a half years together. He was sailing very close to the wind! I wonder whether I should have moved on before hand, but I love him and we will have some form of happy ending.

mrsd I seem to remember it taking about 3 days from stopping the progesterone to AF arriving when I tried it on a natural cycle last year. With my mc, I took my last candles on Thurs, started spotting on Monday and bleeding on Tuesday.

My smear result should arrive in a couple of weeks, probably just as we are hitting EC time. Not ideal, but better than not fitting it in at all between mc and IVF.

critter try to see the cold sore as a good sign - it suggests your immune system is letting down its guard, so that the embie might be able to implant. I really hope this is it for you!

I'm feeling a lot less sore today. The stinging and bruising has almost worn off. I could have done without the strong wind tossing my hair around yesterday - that really hurt (the stitches are very close to the hairline, which is a good thing, except in high winds!). Mr euro washed my hair for me this morning, so I could keep the dressing dry. He might have kept me waiting years for babies, but he is a lovely, lovely man.

Oh ladies, what a load of crap everyone is going through.

Nelly ? 4pm is very slow. I never quite understand why it takes that long. I really really hope you get a nice surprise. So sorry about the arguing with MrN. I have to say although I never had to wait like you did, I have found myself feeling incredibly angry about everything. For me I don?t have any reason to direct it at Roy but i know if he forced me to wait because he wasn?t ready, it would certainly make me very angry at him. And for good reason. But I?m not sure what to suggest because I know it?s very difficult to snap out of it when you feel so angry. Once hormones settle things will be better. I think communicating is good and you clearly are both so much in love. You obviously didn?t want to be with anyone else and these feelings will pass. And the thing is , I know you?ll never know but you may well have had problems whenever you started and it still will have made you angry. Big hug.

Mad ? it sounds like you are going through a tough time, i hope all is ok as can be.

MRsd ? October does sound far away but i think a break is quite good. I don?t think it?s wise to rush back in to another cycle. So sorry that you are feeling so crap. I totally get what Pout says about all that time and energy invested and for it to fail just seems so utterly unjust. I told myself on about thread 8 that i wouldn?t stay longer than thread 20 but it seems to be getting ever closer now.

Rabbit ? i?m desperately sorry to hear that you have had a bit of scare. I hope you are ok.

Euro ? how sweet of MrE to wash your hair. He does sound lovely.

I ovulated about 3 days ago and i had very strong period pains last night. very achy. God knows what?s going on . that ?ll be all i need, a 4 day LP. Do you think ivf and erpc could muck up your system forever?

Interesting talk about feelings of anger. I'm sure if we had known that it would be this hard and take this long MrM would have come around to the idea earlier but it took many years for us both to have good jobs (more importantly in the same city) so I don't know that it would have been that much sooner. I'm glad that you feel your discussion with MrN was helpful nelly. Four o'clock is really slow. In the East clinic they always say after half one for blood results which is late enough in my books!

euro MrEuro does indeed sound like a gem. You're right about your last treatment not seeming that long ago and here you are ready to go again.

joy I don't think your cycles will be permanently out of whack but I'm sorry that things seem to be taking so long to settle for you. You deserve for this to all go smoothly from here on out.

Thanks for the kind thoughts. MrM's mum still in hospital. Sorry for being cryptic but don't want to mention specifics. Everything seems to be well in hand anyway.

I resisted buying pee sticks yesterday. Will buy tomorrow to try on Sunday (day 13).... Right. Enough sacking from me. Back to work!

bloody phone! Sacking is slacking.....

rabbit Oh God at a scare like that. I am so glad for you that is all is okay.

madness I am sorry that your MIL is poorly. It is always a worry. Is she very elderly?
FX for Sunday...well done for resisting the pee sticks yesterday!

joy You surely can't be having a period already? FWIW I get period like cramps all throughout the 2ww, some months, like last month, stronger than others but no period or bleeding. Weird.

euro How lovely that MrEuro washed your hair. It's good that you are feeling less sore. Also a hairline scar won't show. Hurrah!

critter The time till test day will fly by. Sorry about the anxiety dreams they are horrible. Mine always involve needing to shower but not getting the chance and then being thrust into a social situation and feeling all smelly!?? That or clinging to the top of stairs and trying to sling a foot over the last few steps. I got panic attacks when I stopped the Progesterone. Not sure what that was about.

mrsd I hope that you feel a bit better today and that your period makes an appearance soon. I think getting that part of things over with helps.

nelly I am still hoping against hope that the blood result is a massive, massive and lovely surprise.
I am a bit relieved that you said what you said about your argument with MrNelly because I did exactly the same with MrP when our cycle failed (and I still feel bad). I blamed him for stalling TTC and putting us in this predicament and then of course blamed him for not marrying me sooner, for not growing up and whispers for wasting my life. I think we need to allocate blame & find a reason for all this because it seems so arbitrary and unfair. Big hugs to you.

Thanks for the kind words about my not so latent anger. We will be ok I think and to be honest I needed to say it, as it was eating me up. I managed to do it in a controlled way though, so it actually calmed down the already ongoing fight. And that was a gem, as I told MrN this seemed to be a CP so I'd been pregnant for a nanosecond. His response? or, the drugs were still there. Honestly, did he think that was the right thing to say?

The reason for the long gap for results is because I go to a satellite clinic near my work for scans and bloods but then the nurse has to go back to the main facility late morning, taking the samples with her. So it's mainly logistics. I've blocked my diary out for the end of the day and chosen a private-ish desk for the day. I know I'll be upset to hear the result, even though I know what's coming.

I told the nurse about the tests and she said max 5 days for the booster to leave my system. So my last 3 BFPs were indeed proper ones. She said the bloods will show if there's a level at all, but I read that it leaves the blood faster than urine so I think it will show as zero, as its been 48 hours already. Still, I know my body at least tried. If I never get my sticky bean, We'll always have Paris, right?

Mad well done on the testing embargo. I hope it's good news but remember a BFN isn't game over at that stage!

MrsD I am so sad for you; but you have hope, you have options. And you will feel better when the hormones settle down. My sister said when they did IVF they said they'd only keep going whilst they had different options to try, and you certainly have that. (Not so much for me, except I'm actually wondering if IUI might be worth a try given my single egg scenario).

Critter I agree a cold sore sounds good!

Does anyone know how I get more cyclogest? I don't think it's a coincidence my first ever BFP was whilst using it. Once my first post IVF extra long cycle is done I am going to use it again as I'm convinced implantation is an issue. Yes I have low AMH but I've proved they are good quality, and this one certainly must have kept developing. The spotting can't be good. And Mad I think the progesterone will be why you aren't spotting yet, yes; but with that means there is a much better chance of your embie having something to snuggle in to.

I better go but will update once the bad news is official. You lot have been so amazing the last few days, I don't know where I'd be without you.

Good idea nelly to give yourself some space at work this afternoon. It is interesting what the nurse said about the booster and that HSG leaves the blood sooner than urine. So it does look like something did happen this cycle. You are right to feel that this is a positive thing, though your Paris comment did make me feel a bit a sad for you. Progesterone could be a good idea too. Not sure how you get it, though it must be possible. Once I get my FET done, if I have any leftover I can send you what's left of mine if you want.

I did smirk at your "controlled" argument. As I recall I was throwing the (plastic) dog bowls at MrP when I had my little, ahem, outburst!

Nelly, I was told one day for every 1000 units of hcg to leave the system. My dose was 5000 so that should have been 5 days so if you had the same dose as me then your nurse told you the same thing mine did. Could your gp prescribe progesterone? I really hope you get a lovely surprise from the phone call. Hearing the word negative is so hard even when you know the outcome already.

I totally understand the anger directed at the men, I sometimes (very unfairly) feel angry with dh because of his crap sperm. Which is cruel of me because it absolutely isn't his fault. I think that sometimes we need to channel the rage at someone, I hope my dh understands this. I have decided to be spontaneous tonight and make dh take me out for the evening. My plan is to get sloshed. It shouldn't be hard because I haven't had a drink in two months.

www.peeonastick.com/falsepos.html

The bit about hcg and blood v urine I read here, scenario 3.

Pout I'm not normally a calm argue-er but something told me this wasn't the sort of thing to say in the heat of the moment. I did at you throwing the dog toy though!

The anger is not healthy, but inevitable I fear. Like you say, we feel like there has to be a reason for such shit to befall us. MrsD I can understand where you are coming from too, it all seems so unfair.

Last night I was watching tv and first there was an ad about what makes your children smile, which made me feel extra lonely, and then a very distressing pedigree chum one about cruelty to dogs. I was so upset I had to leave the room; there are such horrid nasty shitty people in RL, who seem to have children (and pets) with great regularity. There is absolutely no logic or indeed evolutionary benefit to this that I can see. It just adds to my general anger about the whole thing.

nelly I am still hoping for a miracle for you. Will be thinking of you today and sending you lots and lots of love. I understand the anger. When we first started trying I was angry with MrC too, about him wanting me to stay on the pill for so long. He didn't want to start trying and was terrified of it. In fact he's been very down recently and I think it might be because he is so scared of fatherhood. I think it's drummed into lots of young men that it's the worst thing in the world to get a girl pregnant, that they'll be trapped by the responsibility, etc etc, and of course many men don't have the same urgent physical longing for a child. That mentality of fear then seems quite hard for them to shed. MrC took ages to ask me to marry him too and it caused lots of quite damaging (at the time) rows between us. But I've seen your posts about MrN. You love him so much and the two of you clearly have something incredibly special. You are going to be parents, I am just sorry that it's taking such a long, painful time for this to happen.

Ok I want to write a really long post as have lots more to say to specific ladies, but have to knock out a few work tasks first. Back in a bit. Quick tail feather shake to all.