TRC 10+ months. Part 15...

[MuddyWellyNelly]

New thread for the lovely 10+ers. 14 was awesome so another like that please!

I know buzzy the decapeptyl made me pretty unbearable to live with. The end is already in sight (for the drugs, not the potential pregnancy) so try to hang in there.

critter now I know what my post EC and progesterone symptoms are I won't be so quick to believe that they are preggo symptoms next time. I'm sure some people have obvious symptoms but for most it's just about waiting to test. I have such high hopes for you and buzzy. With the bad luck the rest of us have had this month I can't help but think that the odds must be in your favour MrM could explain the numbers to me but I never really understand. We are overdue some good news on this thread.

critter you sound like you are coping amazingly well with the awful IVF 2ww. I hope the poetry evening was good!

Actually, because I have been so busy since the mc with work and travel, it does seem to have come around quite quickly. I can't believe I will be back at EC in about 10 days (all being well)!

I've realised that my scan on Friday will be back in the sonography room of DOOM - where I found out that I was going to miscarry. I need to stop thinking about that.

buzz I'm sorry you are feeling so out of sorts. The drugs really are evil, but they are a means to an end.

I'm sorry that a lot of folks are having a tough time at the moment. Hugs to you all.

Thanks ladies for your lovely sentiments.

Mad - I would love to join you on ignoring TTC.

Delays are incredibly frustrating but after a couple of really bad days last week, I have decided to accept it for what it is. I have a lot to be happy and thankful for and I try to remember those - lovely husband, great friends and family and a work life that I really can't complain about. Of course I would love to "have it all" - all those things plus children but that's just not real life. I am doing something about changing that and there's been some roadblocks along the way but that shouldn't take over my whole life.

Critter - you are incredibly patience for not testing. I still can't believe you peed on a stick and then threw it away! I am still hoping for the best news for you.

Buzzy - Sorry you are feeling a bit down and work is so rubbish. At times like this, you just need to get through the day. I hope things pick up soon. Thinking positive embie thoughts for you.

Euro - How are your stitches and the head? I can't believe it's come round so quick. Sorry you have to go back to the horrid room again for the scan.

MrsD - How are you doing? I hope MrD and you are doing okay.

Rabbit - Is it worth calling up. These delays are v frustrating.

Nelly - How are you doing? Your plan sounds v sensible. I loved your post last week about the reasons and thinking behind wanting to have a family. It's so true that we spend so much time focus on getting pregnant but it's really what comes after that truly matters.

Joy - are you still in pain? I hope whatever was problematic outside of TTC has calmed down.

Sar - How are you feeling? No more nausea I hope.

Gin - How are you doing? Glad to hear MrG is much happier too.

Ramona - How's the Clomid and sesh going?

Waves to all. x

euro I know what you mean about going 'back' to those places, I dread going back to epau I still feel odd, I haven't noticed any changes so I feel its already over, time for a cry and move on. I have a shingle feeling on my back, think its stress, work is crap, sorry I feel a bit right now

Buzz just popping in to offer a quick hand-hold. No changes doesn't mean anything you know. I felt nothing at all apart from strong AF-style cramps a day or two before the blood test. I'm sorry work is being so crap, that's the last thing you need. Remember all the good stuff from your life coaching - you are a strong lady and you will get through this. Do try to look after yourself, stress can do all sorts of horrid things so you're probably right about the shingle sensation. The drugs are no doubt partly responsible for feeling .

Hope everyone else is OK. Keeping everything crossed for the Critterette. Wow Euro, that's come around quickly... once you get past Friday I'm sure you'll put the room and its associations behind you.

Must work. Hugs and rain-beating tail-feather shakes to all.

sea I think you will still have it all. I am just so sorry that you're having to wait so long for it. I think you're being incredibly patient and courageous and you've made a good decision to get your body in good shape to carry a little one, both for your own health and for the health and security of your future children. Distractions will be the way to go - some of the ladies here sew and knit, others are amazing cooks, others have lovely pets, others do yoga, I write bad poetry. It really is the way to get through this (for me) anyway. I found meditation helped when I was really low. I linked a few threads ago to a youtube 'loving kindness' meditation from Jon Kabat-Zinn - it is again 8.

mad I hope you're ok and have something lovely planned this weekend. Oh honey I am just so sorry it didn't work. It's so unfair. Do you have an appointment at the clinic tomorrow? If so good luck and I hope you can get some answers. Something fun to look forward to during the next few months will help them to go quicker - if you like running, maybe there's a fun 5k race you could sign up for? I've found things like that really helpful as they reminded me that my body is strong and healthy and not just malfunctioning on the fertility front. Or a lovely short holiday somewhere with nice wine and yummy healthy food?

art so nice that you keep popping back, it really lifts our spirits to see you - can't believe you're over half-way there.

euro I'm sorry about the scary room. It is crap but it's also the clinic where you found out where you and MrE can do this! You can create embies and you can implant them. You are a beautiful strong woman and you are going to be a wonderful mother to some lucky little creature. Hang in there!

buzzy I am sorry you're feeling so upset, this is a really stressful time but the good thing is, it's finite - tomorrow you'll only be a week away from getting your result. If it's positive (which I think it will be) then you can move forward with your pregnancy, but even if it's negative, you have a little frostie-in-waiting. You're so nearly there buzz, keep the faith! You can do this!

All fine here - the poetry slam last night was brilliant - a lot of hipsters, tattoos, bongos (I kid you not), beards, thick rimmed black specs, half-shaven hairdos, and the compere wore a suit with bare feet. Hilarious! There were a LOT of angsty poems. MrC must be a saint as he sat through the whole thing with me. Actually it was great as it took my mind off the 2ww thing. Tomorrow afternoon I will know either way, so that will be a relief. Nothing exciting to report here. The tiniest bit of light brown gunk in the lovely progesterone stuff, and some twinges in the ovary/tube area on one side. Feeling 'heavy' but again that's probably all the progesterone. Was a tiny bit dizzy yesterday but that isn't abnormal for me and if I weren't watching my body like a hawk I probably wouldn't notice. Anyway it'll all be over soon.

Link fail

art I had symptoms by 8/9dpo both times, and strong ones, very sore boobs nausea tiredness. I knew I was pregnant before the test came up positive.

critter I won't be waiting till next week, I shall probably test by the weekend at the latest and stop the drugs, Barry is away from Monday for two weeks, I don't know if I will bother with FET to be honest, I'm at the point of not wanting to go go through another 2ww, I'm wishing you all the best for tomorrow

buzzy on Saturday you'll be 7dp5dt so 12dpo... especially if Barry is going away I can imagine not wanting to wait longer, I wouldn't either if MrC wasn't going to be there. I'm so sorry you're having such a crap time with the drugs and especially with the steroids - do you need steroids because it's DE or is there another reason?

Critter, best of luck for you tomorrow. I'm feeling quietly confident for you xx

Buzzy, don't give up yet, it's still so early. I totally understand the feeling of it being hopeless and not wanting to go through it again. Don't make any decisions just yet.

Sea, I know it is so frustrating but it's the right thing to do to get your health sorted first. It Seems to me that the last 3 years has been one long wait and now I have more to do and I always thought I was impatient! I keep repeating good things come to those who wait.

Mad, how are you doing? My sadness has lifted bit I have a little bit of anger and that's not a helpful emotion. .

Waves to everyone. I will try to post properly later, I'm on a train and I kep hitting th wrong keys. Sorry. I hope you can understand my post.

critter I have high nk cells which is why I take a cocktail of things to suppress my immunes so my body won't reject the baby again

mrsd implantation has happened, i feel exactly the same, I know my body well and it hasn't worked, I don't see the point in flogging a dead horse, i don't want this to be y life and neither of us want to try naturally anymore, its a decision we have already reached due to circumstances

Hi everyone, my internet has been out of commission and I see I have missed tons. I will slowly read through and catch up.

buzzy - With my last pregnancy I knew before I took a test I was pregnant, I had every symptom going, only to miscarry. This time I had zero symptoms other than some serious AF-style cramping. It's entirely possible that it worked. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time with the steroids and work. Big hug and I hope it all turns out.

Critter - fingers and toes crossed for the Critterette. Your poetry slam sounds like it was a wonderful distraction from the mentalling that goes with the tww.

Euro - I hope that the scan will not be too traumatic for you. I really hope that this next cycle is the one and the room of doom will bring you some lasting happiness.

Mad - I am so sorry it didn't work out. Big hug from me. This whole process is really unfair.

Ramona - how is the clomid?

Sea - I just read about the positive TB test. Was it a skin test? Were you previously vaccinated with the BCG vaccine? Have you ever had a skin test before? I know most TB cases (at least where my family is from) used to come from unpasteurized milk on farms. Sorry about all the questions, the microbiologist in me is very interested. I honestly do believe you can still have it all and if it is indeed some TB, it is best the Drs have found it because it can be treated and you will not become sick later on.

Sar - How are you doing? Are you still very nauseated? I'm glad the latest scan looked good.

Gin - How are things moving along?

Waves and tailfeathers to everyone I have missed.

AFM there is nothing exciting happening. I have been spending time outdoors weeding and I am preparing to present at a conference and none of my dress shirts close across my chest .

I understand buzz. I knew it hadn't worked too, I felt nothing. But, you do hear of plenty of people who also thought it hadn't worked and it had. We know our bodies though after all this time. Immkeping everything crossed for you.

xpost

Buzzy - you sound so down! I really just want to make you a cup of tea. I think testing saturday is a good option, but I must echo MrsD, I don't think waiting a bit to make any decisions is a good idea.

MrsD - I'm glad the sadness is lifting. I think a bit of anger is normal. Nothing that is happening is fair and I think it's ok to be a bit angry about it.

Sweet - Glad to hear everything seems to be uneventful (best kind of pregnancy). at your big boobies!

Re TB. I had a Gold Top test (blood). It was done because the clinic I am with wanted me to have Humira treatment to lower my Cytokine level and Humira & TB - latent or active is strongly contraindicated. I know immunes is still controversial in fertility (lack of strong evidence) but from the research I have done through my uni and talks I have had with people with a medical background (esp outside of the UK I notice). I am keen to give it a try.

I never had BCG jab when I was young. I was given a skin test before the BCG and because I reacted to it, they didn't give me the jab. I think this indicates I was exposed when I was v young which would make sense as I was born in Asia and lived there for a quite a few years. TB is quite common even in the developed place where I am from over there. (Trying not to out myself here). I should say that the test doesn't show if you have latent TB or active TB but I have no symptoms so I am assuming I am latent but this will be confirmed by the lung specialist. I know NICE guideline is to NOT treat latent TB unless you are in a high risk group but if I want to take Humira, it has to be treated.

Critter ? good luck for tomorrow. I am so excited and nervous for you. I do try to meditate but not as much as I would like. I think this non TTC period is a good time to do more of it. Thanks for the link. Love the sound of your poetry slam. I have been to one in the States. Good fun.

Mrsd- you are absolutely right about good things coming to those who wait. Genuinely I do think I have learnt a lot in this journey and my relationship with MrS is a lot stronger because of it. It's natural to feel angry and it's healthy to acknowledge it. [Hugs to you]

Just a quick phone post for buzzy. Were you on the drug cocktail when you were pregnant before? Just in case your symptoms then were more about your body freaking out at the presence of a foreign body (embie) rather than proper preggo ones? Please don't make any big decisions while you're on the drugs. Regardless of how it all turns out this time there will be time to regroup when you are back to your normal self. I am so sorry this is so rough . When i cried to MrM and said that maybe all of this sh*t wasn't worth it, we both agreed that it totally would have been if it had worked. That said, we will draw a line under it eventually and I will probably need a hysterectomy at some point so I totally get the feeling that this shouldn't be allowed to dominate our lives for too long. We all have lovely lives to get out there and enjoy.

I hope that makes sense..... Take a hug and remember that this is temporary xx

Back later to catch up with the rest of you!

Buzzy - a big hand hold to you. I know this is a shitty time for you esp when you don't feel well and work is crap. I'm willing it to be positive news for you. You just don't know until you test...

Hello ladies

Sorry for not being around much recently - it's been a horribly busy week with lots of (non-exotic) travel for work. I have been reading though; so much has happened on here.

nelly how are you doing? I hope you are ok, I was so sad to hear that it didn't work out for you this time. I get the anger thing too. In my case I'm not angry at MrR, I'm angry that it took us so long to meet (I was 35). So no one really to direct that to, just a fist shake to the sky.

mrsd I am glad that the sadness has lifted a bit, and I think feelings of anger are completely understandable given what you've been through. I hope you are ok.

mad so sorry to hear about your bfn - I am so sad it didn't work out for you. This is all so unfair. I hope you are doing ok.

buzzy I'm so sorry to hear you feel it hasn't worked - I hope so much and have everything crossed for you that it has.

Hope you are feeling better today pout? How is the lurgy?

I was also v impressed with the testing restraint critter. I can't imagine I would show that sort of self-restraint. Wishing you lots of luck for tomorrow. Hope the dizziness has passed now.

Very to hear about the TB sea. It's not fair at all that you have to deal with this on top of ttc and that it means more waiting. I agree you are right to get your health back on track as a priority though.

Hand squeeze for Friday if you need it euro.

As for me, I had my 10 (11) day scan last week. The dildocam lady was lovely, and said ooo, there are two lovely big follicles, one on each side, looking ready to pop, and she seemed pleased with that. She did say I wouldn?t need to be scanned again on the Clomid and advised me to get home and crack on with the sechs. I didn't leave MrR alone all week

She also asked what my AMH levels were, and apparently this hasn't been checked yet. So I am booked in to have my day 21 bloods and AMH done on Friday.

I asked about the possibility of having IUI, but apparently you can?t be on the waitlist for IUI and IVF ? you can only be on one or the other. So I think I need to stay on the IVF one, even if it?s a long old wait. I?d be too old anyway to come off and go back on again. So really, other than a natural updiffment, our options are now for self-funded IUI or IVF, or a potential two year wait for NHS funded IVF...

And in other news, I've started my acu. Chap seems lovely and kept telling me I was normal. It's sort of worrying that I needed that repeated, but perhaps it was one of those crazed look in eyes days. Anyway, I got almost teary when we talked about how many updiffers I am surrounded by at the moment (LOADS) and he told me told me that what I was feeling was normal given my circumstances. I asked him to write it down so I could show MrR (who thinks I am a being a bit of a cow when I can't be overjoyed for the newly diffed).

Bit of a meltdown this morning when I got out of the shower and felt really hot (a guaranteed week before PMT symptom for me) and threw a dramatic strop that nothing has happened again this month. I even got upset in the car with the radio for having too many people phone in with nice stories about their kids... That's not good is it - perhaps the Clomid has started working it's hormonal magic on me

Anyway, waves to joy, zippy, lemon, art, sar and sorry to those I've missed. Luffs to all. I second the call for good news on this thread

madness I got to 10 weeks with my second pregnancy, I had no idea about nk cells, I believe having my flu jab set them off and killed my baby. I was tested after that but have never been pregnant since,

Barry and I have had a cry me over not being able to hold up my end of the deal and him as he hates to see me so upset, I wasn't going to say anything to him yet but MIL rang to see how I was and I got too upset to talk, not ideal

sea you seem to be taking all of this very well.

critter the poetry evening sounds like just what you needed to take your mind off things. Good luck for tomorrow! I'll have everything crossed for you.

sweet I'm glad everything is going well (apart from shirt closing!).

buzzy I think testing Saturday seems reasonable. Both joy and I had no symptoms and got our BFPs. I was adamant it hadn't worked.

I just looked back to thread 13 and found these:
"EuroShagmore Fri 08-Feb-13 18:35:36

buzzy I'm a bit sad. I woke up this morning feeling absolutely certain that my little embie didn't make it. I had been having "symptoms" and felt madly hormonal up until I went to bed yesterday. I just think it is all over now. It was 9dpo when it all went wrong in November after a week of nausea and symptoms."

"EuroShagmore Sun 10-Feb-13 08:54:17
drizz I decided to wait until tomorrow. That will be 12 dpEC, so gives a better chance of a real result. And Mr Euro will be around, unlike on Tuesday morning. The downside will be going to work afterwards, but I know in my heart of hearts that it will be negative, so I am prepared for it."

They were posted on Friday and Sunday. I tested on Monday (12dpo), was still having no symptoms, and got my faint second line and had to eat my words!

ramona sorry to hear you are feeling hormonal! That does sound like it might be a clomid effect.

euro I hope I get to eat my words but I doubt it

Oh buzzy I hadn't realised that you had gotten so far with your previous pregnancy . I hope that my comments didn't seem insensitive. If you got a positive, how long would you need to keep taking these drugs? It does sound like you are having a pretty powerful emotional or hormonal response to them. Keep talking to Barry and take some time for yourself. Would it be worthwhile calling the clinic for some advice?

sea it's a deal then. Non TTC focus for us please . I am joining the gym tonight and spending far too much money on new hair straighteners to tame my unruly mop for special occasions no plans to fry my hair every day but tis nice to feel glamorous as opposed to crazy every once in a while

Oh sweet I am not looking forward to bigger boobs. They really are ample as they are.

critter wishing you so much luck for tomorrow. I have a good feeling about this one. I only wish that you would get the result earlier. With the time difference you're going to make us wait.

ramona glad that you are ovulating well and I hope that your Af symptom is just mother nature playing silly buggers with you.

mrsd I'm not surprised that you are feeling angry. I am feeling a bit better, although rather gross period is not making me full of the joys of spring. I do have about 13 mm of lining to lose so not surprising but a bit of a kick in the teeth. Am trying not to obsess about possible infections, cysts, scar tissue, adhesions,etcetera etcetera. Feeling quite broken really and unsure whether it will ever be possible for my body to provide a welcoming environment for an embryo. But I am nit supposed to be thinking about this so going out for fancy meals this weekend and drinking some instead.

euro I agree with the others that the best way to banish the negative connotations of the room of doom is to replace them with positive ones. Will be thinking of you.

Big waves to everyone else. Stayed up way too late last night so an early night for me.

madness no I didn't think you were being insensitive, you didn't know, if it worked then it would be till week 12, the clinic will tell me to wait

Just a quick post (I'm so far behind) to give Buzzy a massive paw squeeze. You have been an absolute trooper. You were so low before, but took complete control with the help of your LC, made some really brave decisions, and went forward to DE with such strong spirit. You know that this feeling isn't you, it's drugs or hormones or whatever it is. I am keeping everything crossed for you that you get a lovely surprise at the weekend. But in the meantime, remember that this feeling will pass one way or another; and as someone said up-thread, there are no final decisions. You can change your mind at any time. And also I'm sure Barry doesn't feel you've been anything other than amazing. Just keep going one day at a time, and you'll know one way or another soon enough.

Mad I am sorry you are having an evil period. As if it all wasn't shit enough.

Critter massive good luck for tomorrow, I have no idea how you haven't tested! The time difference is going to make me very restless tomorrow as we'll all be checking all evening! The poetry slam sounds like a perfect distraction. You are very cool :)

Euro hooray for starting a new cycle. I know what you mean about negative associations with certain places. I hope you can soon replace it with a nicer memory.

Ramona, here's hoping for a golden egg in there!! Good luck with the AMH. That result was for me the worst day of my life. No kidding, the rug was pulled right out from under me and I know I haven't recovered. Unfortunately, only giving birth to my own child will help that, which is a problem . But I don't mean to scare you, most people don't get the result I did!

MrsDen I'm sorry for the anger. I have a lot of it too. After my first round, I was just quite happy we'd done so well egg-wise, and put it down to bad luck. Sadly this time I probably had higher expectations of number of eggs, which weren't met, and a second fail is becoming less like bad luck and more like a pattern. And as for the CP. Right now I can't even think about that.

Sweet I am glad you are doing as well as can be expected. I'm jealous of the boobage.

So a quick me me me. I've been pretty down. Last night felt like I was awake all night thinking about donor eggs. I can't look at my reflection in the mirror without hating what I see. I have never felt so old and tired and angry with my body. But at the same time as feeling down, my thoughts are more and more assuming that our baby will be a DE baby. I feel like I've taken a tiny taste of something new, and am rolling it around to see if I like it. First bite is so alien you don't think you'll ever want to try it again, but after time it becomes familiar and comfortable and quite addictive. Sort of like learning to love olives.... And yet, and yet....I am still very much grieving for that which I can't have :(

Anyway it always feels good to write it down but sorry for burdening. I have missed loads of people. Love to pout, Sar, Gin, Lemon, Rabbit, Zippy, Art, Doll, Sea, Joy and everyone else! Suddenly it's much later than I thought and my ancient self needs some sleep and maybe a bikini wax, my highlights done, a decent facial and perhaps some make up

Buzz I just re-read my last post. I must be getting daft. I meant to say wait to make a decision. I'm really sorry to hear about how far you were before the last miscarriage. I do hope this all works out for you.

Nelly - Big hug. I am sure you're not old yet, but a bit of pampering can help anyone when they are feeling down. I would gladly give you half my boobage. Like mad mine were already ample.

Sea - Having lived in an area where TB is still endemic could explain the latent TB. I'm sorry to hear it is the case. I was thinking of the vaccine because DH tests positive when he gets a skin test, his grandmother had TB so all the grandchildren were vaccinated.

Ramona - sorry you're feeling hormonal.