TRC 10+ months. Part 15...

[MuddyWellyNelly]

New thread for the lovely 10+ers. 14 was awesome so another like that please!

critter its a relief that it is all coming to an end either way, but I'm more concerned about how mad and sweary I feel with the steroids not to mention the tiredness, I have a meeting on Tuesday it was booked for Monday but they changed it just so I can be there no I am not that important I'm just 'vocal' at these meetings I was annoyed with some blebs at the airport today I nearly had words with him, if I feel like this on Tuesday I'm likely to go 'postal' with some of my colleagues

sorry is it 15 days post transfer or collection??

Evening lovely ladies. Thank you so much for all of your kind words. I do know that there is an outside chance of good news tomorrow but I couldn't face getting the phone call, at work, by myself, and having to face up to the bad news on my own. I will also have to call in between appointments and my last appointment involves a baby and a toddler so I have to be able to pull myself together quite quickly.

So glad that you are home buzzy. I'm sure that Kayla's huffiness will be shortlived. I'm sorry that the hormones are mucking about with your sleep and I hope being in your own bed will help.

Critter I understand not wanting to look but I totally would have caved as the negative test this morning made me feel a bit like I'd been hit by a bus today. If I felt like I had the option of waiting for the phone call, then I would have enjoyed one more hopeful day. We were discussing baby names last night . In answer to your question, I don't know what they will make me do next time. I'm hoping just a few months on the pill depending on whether the endometriomas have returned thanks to the stimming drugs. There are a lot of questions to be answered before another round I think.

Nelly your thoughtful post led to a discussion in this house as well. I had always thought that donor eggs wouldn't help me, but if I only get two eggs next time, then maybe donor eggs would get me a better shot at having something to freeze - just to maximize our chances for our final, private round. After that we will move on to adoption.

euro I can see why you would both be feeling a bit anxious about going again but I'm very proud of you for dusting yourself off and jumping back in.

joy that does not sound pleasant! I am sure that you are not a hypochondriac and you make sure to get things checked out of the symptoms continue and you're worried. I understand why you would want to stay put if you've had negative opinions elsewhere.

mrsd bah humbug to mother's day. (I don't really mean that) but my facebook is covered in mother's day messages from relatives. It is not a good day for that!

pout I hope that things settle down for you soon and you can crack on with the FET. I'm not sure what will happen to my cycles now. I haven't had a period since Christmas so I would imagine it might take a while to get back to "normal".

Well, there have been lots of tears around here. A surprising number of them from MrM. I feel better already though and we will move on after confirmation of the result tomorrow.

Pizza has arrived so must dash .

Ooooh Pizza, I am ravenous all the time now. Kayla is sitting behind me but she won't give me whisker kisses

madness DE IVF did freaked me out at first but once i thought about the pros and cons and really though about what I wanted my final goal to be, which is a mum, then DE became the best option and I never looked back. Depending your DHs sperm you are more likely to have something to freeze, Barrys results for this cycle were classed as Asthenoteratozoospermie with motility 3% and morphology .5% but with ICSI and her great eggs we have two great blastos on board and at at least one possibly two for the freezer

sorry about the tears, big hugs

AF just arrived, so I'm technically on to cycle 31 and IVF#2. Bit scary. Not sure I can hack another disappointment. Wish me luck!

Pizza was scrummy. I ate it far too quickly though.......

Thanks buzzy. All of MrM's sperm analyses have been perfectly normal in all respects. I know that I have to wait till tomorrow and then the follow up appointment before drawing a line under this cycle, but it does help me to think about our options. DE doesn't really freak me out. Adopting older children with complicated histories does though, but I will cross that bridge if and when I come to it.

cross post euro. Good luck xxxxxxxxx

madness I know people seem to think that adoption means older children with ishoos but the people I have spoken to friends and colleagues who have adopted and they said that they adopted their kids around the 1year mark and don't seem to have major issues to deal with. I was more concerned about the child not thinking of me as their mother as we didn't have a biological connection like the child would with Barry

euro like I said before, this is a new phase :) here to hand hold

buzzy my friends who adopted have also not had that problem, but they know of another couple who have had lots of trouble with getting matched and the children had a lot more special needs. There are also ongoing issues with the biological family of my friends' child (adoption not yet final) and they have a lot of worries about helping their child through that in the future. It's just a different set of issues to get my head around, that's all.

MrM has just agreed to tutor a friend's daughter in one of her secondary school subjects. I'm quite happy about that because I think that it will look very good on an adoption application and he's bloody good at explaining things to me so will be brilliant.

I need to walk away from the computer. Hope everyone has a good Monday. Thanks for being here for me to talk to xx

madness I'm just gutted for you. I am so sorry about the tears and I can imagine that you'd feel like this has really knocked you for six. It made me well up that you'd been talking about baby names, all these hopes and dreams, why can't it be simple, FFS! I think it's amazing that you're talking about forward plans but can imagine for now that you want to hear from the clinic first and then take it from there. Thinking of you and sending you a massive cross-Atlantic squeeze.

buzzy Thursday will be 15 days past my egg collection, which I think is the same as ovulation/conception for a normal. So whatever comes up then should be definitive. What you say about DE totally makes sense. The end result is the most important thing - it's a lot to get your head around but being a parent is the ultimate goal. Sorry Kayla is sulking - I hope she forgives you and Barry for the abandonment soon!

euro huge hand hold and much much luck. You are a strong, wonderful lady and you can do this. We will be here for any wobbles. With such a good result from the natural round last time (minus your miscarriage ), I really think this has every reason to work for you.

Posting in bed on phone as I have stomach ache which is perhaps trapped wind hurray for over sharing. So much happening on here and so much that has made me thoughtful.

mad so sorry about the bfn, god they are so horrible on a normal cycle let alone after such a long build up for you. I totally understand how you must feel after all you've been through. My lowest point on this fecking journey was last summer after my op when I was hoping for a post op diff and all I got in return was screwed up cycles and a beast of a scar. But it wasn't a waste. You were poorly and needed that fixing and this downregging has given your womble a chance to rest and be ready. I'm sure ovary rumblings are quite usual at this point. The thought of things returning is also a big fear for me and if I'd had my children I probably would have a hysterectomy as my cyclical pain is pretty shite. But we are on the right road to help them to help our little wombles to do their job. I will be thinking of you tomorrow x

Ladies with cycle issues, Joyce, pout, euro maybe it is the seasons but I really think the menstrual cycle is a delicate creature. I never dreamt my op would knock things off course for 5 months and I didn't even have hormone fiddling or mcs. It is scary when things feel different but I don't think it means something is wrong necessarily, just your body is resetting itself. I thought I was never going to be normal again but it all came back as per usual in the end. Please cut and paste this to me during my own worries post treatment.

Euro scars are the pits for itching, twitchy nerves and pain. I have kelo cote on prescription and its very very good at soothing and smoothing, it knocks bio oil out the water. Sorry you had a poo day but cycle two is underway!

critter you have willpower of iron! I would have dug it out the bin, held it to the light in various rooms and periodically checked it throughout the day

nelly I want the family stuff. How I get it is becoming less important in slow increments, like every month that passes I am a fraction more accepting that adoption/donor egg might be my way to that. I too worry about what I feel I could take on adoption wise. pout I was at the cinema today and there were lots of kids flocking out of one screen as we got there with frazzled and bored looking parents and I thought thank fuck that's not me, shortly followed by god, what I have to go and see rubbish kids films?! my rational head tells me life is very good, I love my hobbies, my income and my freedom. I don't need to beg steal and borrow babysitters for a rushed date night. I can stay in bed if I want and I always get my sleep. This is very much about getting my body to play nicely and do its job and I rarely think beyond two lines. All that said, when I thought I had a bfp in October it was the happiest I'd been since I got married. It was like that feeling you get when you fall in love, everything felt bright and alive. So euro I know what you mean and I hope we all get back to that soon. Please.

buzzy woo hoo you are pupo! Sorry the steroids are knocking you around. My animal HATES me when I've left him and has his back to me for at least a week.

I've missed loads of people. But loves to all grads, differs, lurkers and 10 plus ladies.

I am currently convinced I'm peri menopausal because I woke up on holiday drenched in sweat. It was cold and I'd gone to sleep under a lot of blankets. I can't stop thinking about it though and the spotting and fsh. I feel ancient.

Oh rabbit I'm sure you're not peri menopausal. i hope that you're feeling better this morning. thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one who panics about things coming back and scuppering all my plans...

I'm waiting for clinic to open so i can get my blood test. second hpt was negative this morning so really no hope left as far as i am concerned. it's going to be a long day.....

Sorry madness. Thinking of you today. Btw could you not have mrmad ring the clinic, that is what I did with pg-results calls.

Waves at all, yay for PUPO Buzzy and I'll catch up tonight!

Oh mad sorry for another bfn and a long waity day ahead. Big hug.

Thanks lemon. MrM in meetings most of the day so actually best for me to ring. he needs to hold himself together better for that. i can always hide in the toilet for a bit in between appointments!

Madness I'm really sorry about the BFN. Still hoping for you. Sounds like a good idea to get MrMad to ring for you. It is a horrible call to have to make. Where has all the good luck gone from thread 14? Maybe it's even numbers only for the fertility gods

Joy I'm baffled by what you've been told about egg quality and had to post when I read the clinic's verdict. Two reasons mainly: firstly, you conceived twins, and it sounds like the chromosomal issues were not related to IVF, is that right? But secondly, your IVF round was similar in many ways to mine. I got 13 eggs too, 8 fertilised normally, and none made it to the freezer. We had a 7 cell and an 8 cell on day 3 that they recommended putting back because they didn't think either would make it to blast. They were both grade B/C, so nobody could have argued that we had great eggs or top grade embies, yet six months on one of those embies is now giving my bladder an uncomfortable kicking. I worried for ages about whether the embie quality meant the pregnancy wouldn't stick or would result in congenital issues, and googled the life out of the subject, but could find nothing in scientific journals to link the quality of embryos to subsequent likelihood of, or outcome of, pregnancy. And they just don't know anything about embryo quality in natural conception. Einstein could well have been conceived from an embryo that wouldn't have made it to day 5 in a petri dish. I think sometimes the scientists claim to know too much when in reality they should just admit that a large part of this game is down to chance. Anyway I'll stop ranting. I don't suppose this is terribly useful to you but wanted to post just because of the similarity in our respective scenarios. We all want answers to why things work out as they do but sometimes I think there just aren't any and that is the hardest thing to deal with.

Nelly that sounds like some very philosophical thinking, I'm glad you and MrN have been able to talk this through and understand what it is you want from this whole process. It sounds like a positive way forward. I agree on getting fixated with the journey. i think that's why it took me so long to get my head around being preggo - I had only ever thought as far as a BFP and when it came it was a huge shock. For the record, i'm another one with unresolved resentment against MrA for making me wait so long to even try. We split up for a while over it after about 2 years together. I was like you though, I loved him, and having had 3 serious or semi-serious relationships in my 20s and early 30s with men who either dithered or point blank refused to consider marriage and children I was all too aware that there are thin pickings out there. The prospect of starting over aged 35+ was too daunting. We are in a good place now - which ironically is probably partly to do with what we've been through since - and I am comfortable with my choices but some resentments are hard to completely do away with. It's also why the whole Daily Fail 'selfish women leave it too long to have babies' bullshit myth makes me so .

I must do some work. Waves and love to everyone. Rabbit I'm very glad your health scare turned out OK. Critter hurrah for being PUPO! And I totally understand the fear of testing, I would have binned it too .
Sar and Gin I'm sorry you feel rough but hope it's providing some reassurance. Buzz glad it all went well for you but I'm sorry the drugs are making you feel so bad. Progesterone turned me into the cookie monster. I hope your colleagues don't suffer too much - unless they deserve it . Hope kayla forgives you soon. Euro an itchy wound is probably a good sign of healing but must be infuriating.

Waves to everyone else, sea, Lemon, Pout, Zippy, Sweet, Mrsden, any lurkers or grads. Zippy I'd be happy to share our story I've been plastering it all over the internet for the past 18 months so why stop now but I've banged on about myself quite enough for now so i'll pop back later

mad I'm sorry you got another BFN.

Art you are so right about the Daily Fail shyte - there was another article along those lines recently. BTW, that is the thinking behind the BESH - they are the barren evil selfish hags of Daily Fail land. Or 30-something ttcers, as they might otherwise be known...

rabbit I have night sweats sometimes too, including last night. I quite often get them during my period, but sometimes at other times too.

I don't know anyone who has adopted in our generation. I do have a friend who is an adoptee though, but she was adopted 40 years ago in another country. It's great to see how well she gets on with her family (no ishoos hanging over from the adoption as far as I know), but she can't be any help as to the process here and now.

The head is much less hurty now. I'm dying to take the micropore off and have a look but the dr said to keep it on unless it comes off by itself. It's starting to look quite scuzzy now. I've managed to keep it dry so far, but the forehead is oily. Eugh. I'm desperate to wash that bit of it, and the hair just above it (we've been avoiding that bit when mr euro has been washing my hair for me). Only 2 more days to go, I suppose - the stitches come out on Wednesday.

I'm just waiting for the people in the rooms either side of me to pop out at the same time so I can call the clinic to kick things off - the walls here are paper thin.

Well I think I have been forgiven by Kayla as we have had a few cuddles :)
I have one in the freezer so can't complain, it means that we have a set plan and thankfully we cannot change it, I have slept really well but still feel tired, I have constant period like cramps but it could actually just be the progesterone bullets and my bowels

euro hope you have been able to make the call, the stair well is usually where I make my calls from :) I bet no one has noticed your little plaster on your head

madness so sorry it was another BFN

rabbit I have a confession, Barry actually ate rabbit while we were away I was mortified he said it was tasty
You are not peri anything, you went to sleep feeling cold during the night your body warmed up and was trying to regulate its temperature by sweating as you did not wake up straight away and remove the extra covering. I get like that sometimes, I wake up all sweaty betty
When was the last time you had a progesterone test?? I'm not sure which thread I was on but some woman said she had had a washout with something and that helped clear her up as so to speak, I can't remember if it was an antibiotic wash out but the spotting stopped.

art I agree that in reality the so called experts don't really know much, I do think that they feel they have to come with something
A) because they need funding to continue so have to show results
B) because women like us expect some sort of answer

I don't read the DM or really any paper as I find they just sensationalise things to sell the paper, just before we left I think it was either on the radio or in the telegraph, it was free with my bottle water it kept going on about how women who leave having children later in life have a higher risk of breast cancer!! REALLY i'd love to see the so called stats on that.

The problem with society on the whole is that it is never satisfied, you are either too young/old fat/thin rich/poor etc etc. Society also doesn't like to be responsible for itself, much easier to blame someone else

Best to be an individual and not give a hoot

Just a quick post to give Mad a big squeeze and to hold out my hand. Thinking of you x

Rabbit Shush you are not peri menopausal and not old! In fact I've realised how much TTC has ruined my confidence and I need to address that. I'm "only" 38 and not planning on dying any time soon and I'm sick of TTC making me feel like I am.

Art I hope the fertility gods have some better logic than even numbers, but if not I will be cluster posting on to 16.

Glad Kayla had forgiven you a bit Buzzy!

Joy I hope you are doing ok, you sound very down.

Pout I will certainly reply more later but wanted to say I'm not as cheery as I seem, I couldn't even get up to go to the office today (working from home instead). This is still awful, crappy, misery inducing shit. But I know from nearly 3 years of this now, that I will only start to feel better when I have a plan and have put a spin on it that I can believe in. I am still breaking up inside that it looks like I won't get my own baby, but now when the grief overwhelms me I have a "happy place" to direct my thoughts to. It's a coping mechanism but the rawness inside will always be there .

Sar I'm sorry I made you cry! But if you can find a way to enjoy where you are a bit more, then that's all to the good.

Gin you made me well up when you said how much happier Dave was now. I am so happy for you, but at the same time it emphasises just how much this dampens our life and our spirit.

Anyway that wasn't so short but I know I've missed loads and will have usual iPhone errors and misleading comments!

Phone just deleted my last post. it is definitely one of those days.... BFN confirmed. I am to wait until my next period in June and call them to go in for more decapeptyl. They will offer us our next full cycle in August. The thought of downregging for another two months in the summer when it's hot anyway is making me feel panicky but I really could not cope with another lap if the big endometriomas return. I am so fed up right now.

On a positive note we'll get another try before my dreaded 35th birthday. On the other hand i will be downregging for the third anniversary of starting to ttc and that will coincide with the birth of a good friend's second child.

sorry for the me me me misery post. I will snap out of it soon.

mad thinking of you today. This is just awful. I'm so sorry. I was so sad to read that MrM had had some tears too, that's devastating. Wishing you strength to get through this.

nelly I am so sorry that you're so sad too. It's just so unfair. A BFN after an IVF cycle is the worst, the absolute worst - there's so much build up to it and it's just exhausting in every way.

art interesting thoughts on MrA. I totally agree that it's usually men not wanting to have families and the responsibility of children. I know the pill has brought us wonderful things - and I'm extremely glad I didn't marry and have a baby with my awful university boyfriend, who was very controlling - but I also think that it has given men the freedom to 'get the milk for free' if that doesn't sound too reactionary. They can have sex without having to make the commitment of marriage and fatherhood. I lived with MrC before we got married, and I'm very glad I did - but I also think it can be an issue with some men who don't want to get married, as it gives them license for caddish behaviour - a get out of jail free card. I was MUCH happier once we got married and I think he was too, actually.

euro sorry about the itchy scar but whoo hoo for another cycle! I bet you're terrified but this is progress. You are getting closer to your baby - this may be the golden egg!

buzzy it's brilliant that you have a frostie, hurrah - and what a relief to have the course of action planned and not have to make more decisions. You are a wise and brave lady and I love your posts.

joy I loved what art said. You do sound very sad, but she is right, there is lots of hope for you - basically I can't say it any better than she did, but I'm thinking of you and wishing you courage.

mrsd hope you're ok and that the German Mother's Day wasn't too awful. Big hug and a tail feather blowdry coming your way. Do you have a follow up consultation planned to talk about next steps?

rabbit I often wake up sweaty, in fact I did last night. I'm sorry you're worrying though - I hate to think of how anxious you must be and I wish this were easier.

Waves to everyone I've missed - pout, sea, zippy, ramona, gin, sar, sweet and lemon. I actually think I may wait until my blood test to test. Is that weird? I think that way I will only have one truly horrible day if it's negative, rather than several. I don't feel at all pregnant, no cramps, just a feeling of fullness which I think comes from all the fanny candles. Oh and super-unsettled and anxious, but I think that's normal. And Thursday is only three days away. I may try to work from home on Thursday afternoon so I'm not at work when I get the call though.

xpost madness I am so sorry honey, what a horrible piece of news to get. You must feel utterly deflated and bone-tired. . I don't suppose there's any way you can ask them to move your next cycle to sooner than August? It is only three months away, but seems terribly unfair to make you downreg again for so long. What was their reasoning?

Mad I am so sorry it was confirmed . Offering cake, wine and a ginormous hug. I know all too well the feeling. I know they like to wait a bit between cycles but it is extra stressful for you.

Critter I know what you mean about the bad day, in some ways I agree, but I don't think I would have coped with the BFN, in the office at least, if I didn't know it was coming. On the other hand you have every reason to be hopeful!

mad I'm so sorry you have had the BFN confirmed and have to face more of the crappy downregging. Grrr. Why does this have to be so hard for us?

critter that doesn't sound odd at all. I tested at home because I didn't want the clinic calling with what I was sure would be a bad result when I was at work and would have had to hold it together for the rest of the day. Whatever works for you. When is your blood test?