Rainbow babies. Remembering our angels, riding the rollercoaster and hoping for little rainbows and sunshine.

[Little9]

An angel in the book of life wrote down our babies births. And whispered as she closed the book...too beautiful for this earth.

Fingers crossed for rainbows and BFPs for everyone!

Just de-lurking to say that I am so so sorry blue thinking of you and your DH x

Good missalex keep your feet up, rest and relax.

Consultant in about 3 week's time, so a little while to think about what to ask. I'm really hoping i get the consultant that i had after my daughter died, I felt she was quite honest with us, but also sympathetic and i would feel happy to have her. Fingers crossed for that.

Saw my aunt and uncle last night and told them about the pregnancy. They had a stillborn baby 17 years ago, and have gone on to have 4 more children. It was so nice to be able to chat to someone who has had this experience, she was telling me about all the extra care she had having her children (youngest is 7 so not so long ago), and did make me feel a bit more positive about the whole thing. Glad i have you ladies for hand holding too!

I'm finding the whole telling people thing hard tbh. I kind of feel a 'duty' to tell people in a way as they are obviously thinking of us and this news is so positive considering what has happened. But on the other hand i don't really want to tell anybody unless i have to as it's all so emotional to me still. At the mo it's on a 'need to know basis'. It's sil wedding next weekend so whole of Mr Owl's family will know then!

blue so sorry again to hear your mc news. Send love to you both.

Hi everyone, I haven't been on here for ages so haven't managed to read back at all the posts yet but I hope everyone is doing ok. Tbh I've had some really low days and struggled quite a lot the past wee while. Im currently in the middle of moving house so I have been packing all Olivias things up. When I see the cot dismantled and all her clothes that she never got a chance to wear packed up it just breaks my heart, everyone keeps telling me this will be good for you a fresh start. I just feel so sad at leaving the house and her room were I wad the happiest I've been when I was pregnant I think people think im strange.

I had my appointment at the IVF clinic, they said we can use our embryo in December providing I get my weight down. I knew that the weight was going to be the only thing stopping us from going sooner as I gained so much when pregnant. So I've started my diet and im so determined to get it off so we can try again. It's the thought of having another baby that gets me through, I hope I can do it.

Im still trying to build up the courage to go in to my work for a visit I keep saying I'll go next week and never do it. I do want to go back to work I just don't feel ready and it's all people say to me oh are you back at work yet? Oh I think you should go back it will help, I feel a lot of people think I should be ok now as it's been nearly 4 months I also feel no one wants to talk about Olivia now and that really upsets me. Life just feels really shit at the moment and it doesn't help that my period was a week late and I really thought I was pregnant. Don't know why I thought that when I know we have to use IVF but I thought maybe a little miracle after all we had been through. Never mind roll on December. Im going to Olivias grave today it always makes me feel a bit better I feel really close to her there, reminds me of another crap thing someone said to me oh you will need to try and scale back how many times you visit the grave as I don't think it helps, pppfftt like they would know what helps or doesn't, sorry about my not so cheery post it's just how I feel, I hope everyone else is having better days xx

Aw blue im so sorry x

Thanks guys. So glad of this thread.
Does anyone know what to expect with a mc this early? I'm kind of ok emotionally (upset obviously, but in a disappointed way iyswim) but I'm actually quite nervous about what will happen. I've been to a & e and got checked out - scan tomorrow just to check - but essentially it seems like a late period in terms of how i feel. Is it likely to get worse and more painful and can I carry on with things or will is that risky or anything? (Obvs want to pretend things are normal for the dcs. Who are just so bloody lovely :) ).

Sorry you've been finding it hard oliviarosemummy I know what you mean about work - I really feel I 'ought' to have gone back by now too, in fact I literally just sent my boss an email yesterday with a return date. Kind of wondering if that was a bad idea now. Don't rush it, most people have so little idea how you're feeling and an extra few weeks or months before going back is nothing in the scheme of things but so important for your headspace if that's what you need.

We're in the process of sorting out E's room into an office - see, we obviously didn't get our hopes up with the bfp - and it breaks my heart a bit each time I look in there still as my little boy should be in there. Keep going - you're not on your own xx

Hi, sorry I haven't read back that far, but just wanted to say...

Blue I had a mc at almost 5 weeks before F and it was just like a heavy slightly more painful period, but nothing else. I think you are 5.5/6weeks? I'm not sure if your experience will be the same. I was advised to use pads not tampons and if the bleeding got worse/any signs of infection (smell etc-sorry TMI) then to go to docs. V glad you are having a scan to check things out tomorrow. I am really so sorry for you and DH, it is horrible to have hope and then have it all taken away again. Thinking of you.

ORM I went back to work after 4.5 months and was able to "phase back" by building up hours/days over a period of 6 weeks. I didn't cope well at all, even though i thought i was ready to go back.After about 8 weeks I had to ask to work from home as I just wasn't managing. I did find working from home helped though as I was able to build my confidence back up without having to actually face people or the commute. If I was having a bad day I could just have a little cry without rushing to the loos and feeling stressed about it. Not sure if working from home is an option with your job? Ultimately, it is likely to be hard but please don't expect too much of yourself, nobody knows how you feel and what you think you can manage, they have no right to judge, we are all different. It must be so so hard to pack up Olivia's things and leave the house where you should have brought her home to. I for one am not convinced of this "fresh start" that people spout on about, normal "rules" simply do not apply when you have had to say goodbye to your baby. Like Blue says, you are not on your own, keep talking to us if it helps you.

MissA I'm glad things are ticking along with the IVF, I am very much hoping (albeit quietly from the sidelines as I'm not on here much) that it is a successful cycle for you. We are here for you whatever the outcome.

Hi to everyone in haven't namechecked, hope you are all doing ok.

Dont know whats happened but I wrote on here this morning (and OWL did too) and now our messages are gone... anyway what I said was:

Bluesky so so sorry to hear your news. Big hugs to you and your DH

xx

Oh gosh please just ignore what I wrote above, now I can see the messages Once again I'll just blame the IVF hormones.

Owl glad your apointment isnt too far away, and I too hope you get to see you familiar consultant, I'm sure it will make it "easier". Make sure you have your written list of questions ready. I know that I personally just forget everything as soon as I start crying (which I inevitably do, even though it drives me mad) its like my head just empties of thoughts and fills up with pain. I can imagine how hard the 'telling' must be, and I think I would do the same as you...need to know basis. I imagine people will feel free to insinuate that everything is just fine and all grief forgotten just becasue there is a new pregnancy. Good luck with all the Owl family next weekend, shame you cant have a few glasses of wine to get through it!

ORM sorry to hear your having an extra tough time lately. Moving house on top of having lost Olivia...must be awful and so stressful. Having to pack away stuff before you are maybe ready...I think if it makes you feel better you should earmark a corner of your new home to put a few of her things, so it doesnt feel like youve wiped her presence completely from the new place.
I'm glad to hear you will be able to use your frostie in the not-too-distant future. I too am finding it hard to get rid of the post-baby weight and am still at the same weight as when I was 18 weeks. Too much consoling myself with and not daring to do any exercise for fear of tearing my c-section scar and not being able to cycle again asap. And take no notice of people telling you you need to "scale back" your visits to Olivias grave, if it makes you feel better then you go!

Bluesky when I've had MC in the past, like Owl said, its just like a heavy, painful period that lasts longer. I'm so sorry its happening to you x

Star nice to 'see' you on here again, and thanks for the good wishes. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, the odds really are stacked against me. Hope you and DH are doing ok

I imagine you've all read plenty of books already but just wanted to say that I found this one really good: Empty Cradle, Broken Heart, Surviving the Death of Your Baby by Deborah L. Davis. Its still on my bedside table and when I am particulary down I sometimes just pick it up and read a bit.

xx

Really sorry BlueSky. It just shouldn't be this difficult. Hugs. x

Well, the scan showed I'd passed it all. So at least that part's over and by the sounds of it from the mc threads could've been a lot worse, and slower. So I'm thankful for that. Thanks also for your info on how it was for you - i really do find bleeding scary these days and fear the worst so that helped, and it hasn't been that bad. Actually, if it doesn't get any worse now I'd say I had worse periods as a teenager!

I'm on the now. Having extra on behalf of you guys who can't Trying to look at it as a bit of a delay more than anything else, but can't help wondering whether there's a point at which I should just call it a day. Always had such straightforward experiences of pg before E - maybe I'm just getting old now (i realise loads of people get pg successfully older than I am - but maybe I'm too old for me?). In my head I know mc is 1 in 4 and it probably means nothing, I was really unlucky with E and the cons didn't think it was any more likely to happen again and next time might be fine... But it's all brought back how ill I was with E for basically the whole pg and then he died anyway. I knew something was wrong this time as i didn't feel like crap. but it just feels like such a waste going through all that and then him dying. And I'm back to just not being able to get past the point of how awful that is, and what a waste, and how he oughtn't to have died. And I don't want to have to feel that shitty for months again in order have a baby.
Sorry to have a whinge, just needs to come out somewhere!
Hope everyone's doing ok - and thanks for delurking for me star x

Bluesky glad to hear your MC is almost over and it wasnt too bad. You are right, its just all so rubbish, so unfair, so just totally crap.

AFM the big day is tomorrow. We have our embryo transferred at 4pm, they will only allow us to transfer one as they say its too risky for me to even have the possibility of a twin pregnancy (I wish). I am so so scared!
xx

Blue I'm so glad (in a non glad, would rather the pg had stuck way) that the mc has been relatively quick and painless. Also v good that you don't need to have an operation. It is all very very unfair and I know what you mean about being pg and poorly and then still having E die, life can be truly shit at times. However, I know that you are one strong lady and that your DH and DC will help you through this next stage. Lots of love to you all (and of course little E).

MissA how exciting but terrifying, do you know if the embie is a good one, or do they tell you that tomorrow? I will be thinking of you and sending positive vibes for tomorrow and the 2ww. Do you have anything planned to try and take your mind off things, or is it just as much rest as possible?

Ps-I seem to be back now! Can't help but post!

Star they wont tell us until tomorrow, and in our clinic they dont grade embies they just tell you they are excellent or good, and if they're neither they dont use them. I'm doing 2 full days of sofa-duty then my plan for the 2ww includes redoing the guest bedroom...not painting or anything heavy just making new curtains and cushions to go with the new quilt covers I've bought and putting up new pics etc. I'm hoping to find my inner domestic goddess but will probably make a right mess. I've got quite a few bits and bobs planned or else I know I'll go loca !

Thanks for the good vibes for tomorrow, we can do with all we can get. Yes you seem to have left lurkdom, its lovely to have you back! Are you feeling a bit better?

Hi all, just a quickie as busy with all the wedding stuff, wanted to say great big good luck to missalex for tomorrow. We have everything crossed for you.

I will catch up properly on Sunday, waves to everybody, welcome back star!

Just to say - thinking of you missalex and all fingers crossed. (Bit hard to type like this tho).

Glad you're back star and hope you are feeling a bit better. Had missed you!

Thanks misschord how are you doing?

How's the house move going orm? What you said - about how no one wants to talk about Olivia and life just feels really shit atm - totally relate to that. I'm trying to think of things to start doing or planning to be able to look forward to, because I don't feel like I have anything - I'm going back to work in a few weeks, but not really looking forward to that other than a way of having more routine and maybe stopping my mind going round things. I'm not even sure if I'll stay long term, but I feel it's right to go back now which it wasn't a month or so ago. I've dropped my hours as I never had any spare time with my commute and everything, so now I'd like to start a weekly class or something as well, sport or music or whatever really. Has anyone else found things that have helped them? I just want to stop thinking about conceiving and when it might or might not happen, and start actually just living for a bit - it's going to be at least a couple of months now, the mc has made me realise I was just living for conceiving again which I don't want to do. My life matters for its own sake iyswim.

owl hope you're feeling ok and the wedding and being around people etc all goes well

jules don't know if you're out there lurking, hope you're alright?

little how are you doing?

Am sure I've missed someone, please don't take it personally :)

Thanks for the good luck wishes ladies! The transfer went smoothly (apart from having to wait for one and a half hours ) I hopefully now have Alex's little sister/brother on board. Just another 2 weeks of waiting and obsessing to get through...its going to feel like an eternity.

Hugs to all xx

That's great news MissA fingers crossed it snuggles in. Keeping everything crossed for you and hope the next 2 weeks pass quickly.

Hi ladies,

Do you mind if I say hi? I lost my first child on 7.7.13 at 41 weeks - they think his cord became twisted in labour.

We are ttcing now, I know it's early but it took us 18 months to conceive our boy, so want to get started straight away - and ttcing is giving us some hope for the future - we'll never replace him, but we want to be parents so badly.

I love reading all your messages, you're so supportive to each other. Hope you don't mind me butting in.

Bluesky, just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear about your mc, life is so cruel.

Good luck MissA, can't wait to hear some happy news!

Hi johud I am so sorry that you find yourself here but you are more than welcome. My first baby (little boy) died almost a year ago at 27 weeks, the cord was too long and twisted and thin in places (at least they think this was the cause).

You sound positive about ttc which is good, i hope it doesnt take too long this time. how are you doing generally? Are your family supportive? Do you work? Sorry for all the questions!

Please do stick around and talk to us, we are here for happy times and sad!

How is everyone else? Owl how was the wedding? Blue how are you feeling? Little how are you holding up? Hello to MissA MissC and of course Jules sorry if I have forgotten anyone-not intentional!

ORM I'm sorry, I knew I would forget someone if I didn't scroll back! How are you feeling at the moment? How is the house move going?

Hi Star,

Thanks for replying - we're OK, up and down really. We're both back at work, so that's helping us get back to normality (or our 'new normal'). Just so sh*t that this has happened, such a shock, and this isn't what life was supposed to be like now.

Our families and friends have been amazing, couldn't have asked for more support, and they are all willing us to get back on track and have another baby.

Anyway, we'll get there - hope we get a BFP soon!!

Star meant to say I'm sorry about your boy, so unfair. How are you holding up now? Does it get easier?