Rainbow babies. Remembering our angels, riding the rollercoaster and hoping for little rainbows and sunshine.

[Little9]

An angel in the book of life wrote down our babies births. And whispered as she closed the book...too beautiful for this earth.

Fingers crossed for rainbows and BFPs for everyone!

Hi MissA Jules and Blue thank you for your thoughts today, it hasn't been too bad, considering. The sea air did us some good and the sun was shining x

Hi star been thinking of you today, I'm glad your walk went well.

Well done misschord on going back to work, not easy, you've done well. Hope the consultant appointment went well. Waves to everybody xx

Both today and yesterday I've seen amazing double rainbows shining really brightly in the sky. Let's hope they are positive messages for us all.

It's been quiet here over the last few days... I thought I'd stop by and say hey. I hope everyone is doing ok.
Hugs x

Hey Jules - hope you're doing ok too.
Have found the last couple of days hard; met someone for the first time whose ds has the same name as E (it's not a common name). She didn't know about him and I didn't tell her. Just felt so sad hearing someone else talk about their son E and what he's up to etc - I won't ever do that. Brought back all the little things I grieve, I won't ever know what he liked or see him smile or take him to school or ever do anything at all with him, or even just know him. :(

blue it does seem to hit me every now and then, too. I wonder what sort of person my daughter would have been, would she be walking yet or trying to talk? Would she have been smiley or grumpy? Would we have got on when she was older? Unfortunately we will never get a chance to know. I only hope i will get a chance to be a proper mum to a little one, and get to know them. Sometimes i think it is harder in this way for people like yourself with children, as you are more aware of the milestones and can compare more easily. I'm so sorry you are having a sad few days; i hope you feel a little brighter soon. I am thinking of you.

Hi jules hope all is well.

Hope the consultant appointment went well misschord. FX it brought with it the luck you were hoping for.

missalex i am thinking of you lots and lots this week.

orm and johud hope you are both ok, and everything is still ok with the pg little

star hope the rest of your week was peaceful. I found the birthday and anniversary a very strange time, and i don't really feel we marked it. We are maybe not ready yet. I think your day sounded really lovely, and i'm so glad the sun came out for you. I was also more aware of the days leading up to the birth, as you said there was definitely an element of 'this time last year i was in labour; i had no idea what was coming; i was still a normal woman about to give birth'. I feel anything but a normal woman now, i'm hoping that this pregnancy will put an end to that.

This post sounds like i'm quite down - i'm not particularly. Me and dh considering NCT classes, we didn't really do any of that sort of thing last time, but thought it might be nice to do it to meet some new people. Not sure how to tackle the bits about birth tho. Keep quiet? Discuss with leader first? Lie? any advice gratefully received!

Hope people have good weekends planned.

Jules nice to "see" you, how are you doing? I was thinking of you and Ben this morning.

MissA thinking of you.

Blue, it's so hard isn't it, ESPECIALLY when you see/hear of a little boy with the same name. I've had days when I just start crying because I will never see F smile or hear him laugh. I hope the next few days are gentle on you. Are you back at work now? Are your DCs back at school?

Owl I didn't make it to NCT (although they were booked), the Sands website has some suggestions about antenatal classes, apparently lots of people don't want to go, but those who do have a quiet word with the teacher beforehand to let them know. It's a tough one, because you don't want to "scare" the other blissfully ignorant first-timers, but it could be hard for you being talked at and to as though you have never done this before and of course you have, because you have your beautiful daughter. I do know someone who went to classes for her rainbow baby and overall she found them helpful, but there were a couple of trickier moments. Just a thought, but if you wanted to do it primarily to meet other mums,have you considered the NCT breast feeding support groups for after birth, or they also do postnatal meet ups at about 6/8/10 weeks posts birth (at least they do where I am). Sorry, this has been much longer than I intended, just regurgitating my thoughts on the page!

MissC I hope your appointment went well.

johud, little, ORM how are you?

Thanks for all your thoughts over the past 2 weeks. I'm afriad its not looking good. I didnt feel pregnant at all during the 2ww, and I've been pregnant quite a few times now so I know what it feels like (unfortunately no baby to show for any of those times) My beta results were very low, so they have upped my meds and I have to do another one on Monday to see if theyre doubling. But the signs are not good, and the last time I had such a low result it all came to nothing. So we're preparing for the worst

Hugs to all xx

Oh missa I'm so sorry you are not feeling pg. We are all here for hand holding.

MissA I'm so sorry, we are here for you whenever you are ready and of course hoping that this turns out differently than you expect and that those numbers double nicely x

:( so sorry missalex the last couple of weeks must have been so hard for you. Will be thinking of you tomorrow x

star no I'm not back at work yet, I feel a bit of a slacker but I'm going back next month. Dcs are back at school, 4 yr old has been half days til now so I will now have a few weeks with actual time off before returning. I have been holding back the grief a lot recently around the kids so I'm glad I'm not going back just yet. Dreading it tbh, but will see how it goes. How are things with you this week now that your anniversary has passed? Hope you're feeling ok.

owl if you do do nct or other classes,I would definitely talk to the teacher first - I went for classes this time round and the teacher kept asking about my previous experiences in front of everyone (others were 1st timers) - I was self conscious in any case, but after a stillbirth that sort of thing would be awful to deal with. How are you feeling btw, are they looking after you well?

missc totally get that idea of keeping your appointment and hoping for what might happen again. I've got pg each time I've taken part in a run, so when I signed up for another one for earlier this month I couldn't help thinking it might happen again. (Obviously it didn't quite go to plan with the mc this time...). I hope that the appointment was helpful even if not in the way you'd hoped.

jules, orm, little, johud, anyone else lurking, how are you doing?

Hi guys just wanted to check in. Hope everyone is OK.

Had a lovely walk and chat with DH on Sunday, both talked about our worries and concerns about the baby and also what we were looking forward to. Didn't really change anything but was really good to share our feelings properly.

Not really any news, consultant on Friday, but no idea how that will go, so no point worrying! Hope everyone OK out there, you are always in my thoughts.

Not good news for us I'm afraid. Will be back in a few days when I've pulled myself together. Hope youre all ok xx

Oh missalex I'm so sorry :(

missalex so sorry. Take your time, we are here.

Very sorry missalex, take care of yourself.

Thank you everyone for asking about my appointment. It wasn't particularly helpful, apart from getting me an afternoon off work, but the consultant has said that she'll do all the hormone tests again if I haven't conceived by January. And I actually thought it had worked as a pg charm as I felt sick that night, and AF then didn't arrive until CD31 (usually I'm 26-28 days). But arrive it did so am back on the TTC rollercoaster.

My friend had to give birth today to her baby boy who was found to have no heartbeat at a scan yesterday. She was 7.5 months. So sad for her that she has to join the baby loss club.

Stay strong everyone. xxx

Sorry the good luck didn't work this time misschord. JJanuary will come round so quickly, and it could happen by then.

So sorry for your friend too.

Hi MissA I'm so so sorry that you didn't get good news. We are all here for you whenever you want to come back. Thinking of you and sending lots of love.

MissC that is just devastating about your friend, I very much hope she has lots of love and support around her. I'm also sorry that your appointment wasn't as helpful as you hoped. Jan isn't too far away (although I'm sure it seems it).

I'm sorry to hear this missa. Take the time you need and come back to us soon.

How is everyone else doing? It's relatively quiet here lately?

I've been struggling a bit; a close friend had a baby yesterday - the first born into our close circle since losing Ben. I wasn't prepared for the swathe of mixed emotions I have and was further let down by insensitivities in how the news was announced and the fact that I seem to have been missed off the text round robin..... Clearly it's difficult and this person doesn't know what to do but avoiding including me or ignoring that I'm here really isn't the best way forward. How have others dealt with this? Any advice welcome. I'm not sure if I can go and see/hold the newborn yet and I don't know how to deal with that bit either given the lack of sensitivity already displayed to me? There's a void between me and this person which I thought would be bridged when her baby arrived and she may have developed a bit more understanding? It's so hard.

Hope everyone is having a gentle time. How are our pg ladies doing?

Hugs xx

Oh Jules how insensitive. We've had 2 sets of 'friends' who have done this, no message to say they were expecting, no message to say its here. So no gift and card from the owls! They don't know what to say, so they just say nothing.

If it's a close friend and you are keen to keep the friendship I would suggest you message them to say you have heard, congrats, and you hope to be round soon to meet the baby. Then leave it and go when you are ready. A friend will understand that.

People don't know how to treat us at times, they don't understand that that behaviour makes us feel rejected and isolated even more. I hope your other friends have been more supportive.

missalex thinking of you .

I had my first consultant's appointment yesterday. It was the consultant we saw after our daughter was born, we were delighted and she seemed to remember us and be happpy to see us. Everything is looking normal at the mo, I'm having 3 extra scans towards the end, and seeing the consultant after each one. She asked if I wanted a section, and I said not really but would be preferable to going through the induction, long labour with the worry. So it's on my notes to have a section at 39 weeks, and to give a section straight away if the waters break, not wait 24 hours. I can change my mind but it's a relief to know its written down there.

I hope everyone is OK, little are you still OK? Waves to star, misschord orm how are you getting on? Did you move house?

Been quiet on here, hope that's a good thing, and people are having peaceful times.

Hi Owl I saw this recipe online and it made me think of you, your little girl and her brother or sister www.lovefood.com/guide/recipes/22179/owl-cupcakes-recipe

Hope everyone else is ok. MissA and Blue, I'm continuing to think of you.

Ahh they're so cute, thanks star

Hello everyone, been quiet for a while here how is everyone?

owl so pleased its all looking good, and sounds like they're looking after you and listening to what you want. Glad you've got the same cons too.

jules how are you - have you heard from your friend since last weekend? That sounds really hard. I've not really experienced anyone having a new baby yet, so don't have any advice, although a friend is pg so just a matter of time. I guess they really don't know what to say so are trying to avoid it. I'm sorry they're making it even harder though :(

missc sorry for your friend:( . You know, since E died I've become so aware of how common this is, just today I heard of someone else who is now walking this road. It's just so sad, and it shouldn't happen.

star how are you doing?

missalex I am thinking of you every day xxx

little are you ok, not seen you post for a while?

Anyone lurking, wishing you gentle days.

Hi bluesky good to hear from you, hope all is OK for you. Seems to be good here, been sleeping loads this weekend, catching up after working so hard I guess!

Hope you are still OK little, everyrhing going well still with the pg.

Thinking of you everyday missa. Jules do hope you are OK with friend's behaviour, thinking of you at this hard time. Have you decided whether to contact them yet?

Waves to everyone else, star haven't made cupcakes yet but my bday coming up so might do it then!!

Thanks owl and blue.... I'm ok thanks. Hope you are too. Hope everyone else is doing ok.....?

I've not heard anything from the 'friend' but have since heard that she has texted all the girls again and asked them to come round to see her new baby. Again, I've not had an invite. I've decided that I wouldn't go anyway at the moment but it's not nice being excluded in this way.... I just feel like she has her baby now and is sitting there all happy which is totally deserved but she's lost sight of any sensitivity, care and compassion which I think is totally wrong. She's also posted at least one if not more pictures of new baby to fb everyday in the last week - with comments about how besotted she is and how great it is. Every time I see those I think of Ben; what he would have looked like, been doing, sounded like when he cried, would he have slept? Would I have mastered breast feeding? How nice it would have been for us to take our pram out for the first time, how my own mum would have loved every minute of being Nanny.... I just think she could temper how much she puts up - not stop - just moderate it as a respectful nod to us. But then again, that sounds like I think I'm the queen! I maybe forget that I'm just me and everyone else bar us Angel mums have lives that go on. Why would someone think of us first?

I've sent one text; all it said was congratulations with a kiss. I had one reply saying thanks. That's the sum total. I'm not sending a card or gift. I'll just see how it pans out now - no doubt we will end up seeing each other plus baby in a social group fairly soon..... Who knows what I'll do then!!

Anyhow, thanks for the support here. Again, any advice gratefully received.

I really hope everyone else is ok - our pg ladies too??

It's been so quiet here; it makes me worry some days.

Hugs xx