Elderberry Pavlovas Unite - the over 30s TTC number 1 (thread 3)

[Bunnygirlie]

Hey ladies, we're over here!

bunnygirlie, 32, TTC since June, AF coming around New Year!
Twinklestar 2, TTC1, cycle 16, BFP was due 19/12
BraveLilBear,TTC
Lolcbcb,TTC
Aquarius,TTC
Happylass 34 cycle 4 BFP due Jan 1st
Navis176, 35, TTC #1, cycle 3 (this time around), bfp due around 19 Jan (I think?)
Neshie, 31, TTC #1, on cycle 9, after stopping the pill 18 months ago (took 10 months for AF to return!) BPF due 12th January Fx
MotherOfCleo TTC#1, cycle 3, 5dpo, BFP due New Years Day.
Viviennewestwould, 41, childless hag, TTC one year (mmc in March), on Clomid, ovulating today!
Pipbin 37 cycle 16 BFP due 26/12

Zombies, 32, almost 3 wks pg (by my calculation)- per standard
measurement from LMP, 6 weeks pg, PCOS.
MeanMrsMustard 31, 5 weeks pregnant.
Quod,33, PG
Purplemonster, PG
Janey 38, 12 week scan on Christmas Eve
HazleNutt, due June 21st
Rach, 34, 13+4 pg, due 26th June

Apologies if I've missed you or got something wrong

Thanks for asking Navis, I'm back up and about again. I feel a little bit tender but other than that I'm fine. All I need to do now is find a house I want to buy.

Navis, living in the mountains...how on earth do you get your fortnightly copy of Inside Soap??

Pip, glad you're feeling o.k. Where do you feel tender? Stomach?

Mr. Viv just told me he is not going to visit his son today. He lives miles away and the weather is abysmal but I suspect he wants to try again to make love (what a ridiculous phrase at this stage). On our way to the Chinese restaurant last night he asked the taxi driver to make a detour to Tesco. There, he got another prescription for Viagra and promised me that, if he took only half a pill later, he would be able to ejaculate. Later that night I was waiting and waiting and waiting for his cue...nothing. I asked him when the tablet was going to work (it was knocking on midnight and I was getting tired and fucking annoyed). He told me it wasn't working, that he had been to the bedroom and tried to get an erection but couldn't. I went to bed in tears.

Mr. Viv came to me and said he feels 'unworthy' since his relapse and the little confidence he had has disappeared. I told him I couldn't cope with this any more. What I didn't say was that our sex life is shit and I didn't sign up for a relationship where my boyfriend can't fucking ejaculate when he needs to. I barely slept and of course this morning I feel rotten for not handling it very well but, you know what? I'm sick of pussy-footing around a man with erectile dysfunction. I haven't got time to walk on eggshells around ovulation to protect his flagging ego. It's just not fair. I am sorely tempted to fuck other men during my fertile window. I wouldn't care if he found out - at least I would have my baby.

Oh Viv, I can just feel your pain from your words. I really don't know what to suggest.

viv, that's just such a crap situation to be in; seems like you're both stuck in
vicious cycles where every time there's a failure to DTD, he feels more worthless, you get more angry, and you both know that there'll be even more pressure next time. You know that it can't continue this way.

I wish there was an obvious solution for you but this is life and life is shit sometimes. From an outsider's perspective, this is the options you seem to have:

1. I don't know how receptive you are to the thought of seeking relationship counselling, but it sounds to me like your bloke has got a whole load of issues that have come up since his relapse (and indeed may have already been there before). The fact that you're thinking about an affair suggests that it could also be of huge benefit to you. Time consuming though.

1. Accept that successful sex is just not going to happen with the state you're both in at the moment. I know you feel the weight of time ticking greatly. However, if you want it to happen, and you want it to be him who fathers the baby, perhaps you need to just have 2 -3 months of NOT TTC and get to doing lots of other intimate /sexual acts. Are you seeing a doctor about TTC? Perhaps you could tell a white lie and say they've advised you to stop TTC for a certain amount of time and then your boyfriend might take some of the pressure off himself. I realise this option really is a 'pussy-footing' one and it might be the last thing you want to do!

1. Turkey baster?!

1. If turkey baster isn't an option for him, discuss the possibility of using an informal 'sperm donor' with him? Depends on your social situation of course, but how receptive would he be to the idea of you conceiving with the help of an agreed male friend?

1. End the relationship and hope to start all over again with someone else.

Not a great set of choices and all have drawbacks. I hope you find the right path for you soon.

How kind of you, Boodle, to give such a detailed reply. Thanks to you, too, Twinkle.

Would you believe we have actually just had sex and Mr. Viv ejaculated? I asked him a short while ago what his plans were for today and he asked if he could 'take me to bed' (we never have sex in bed - I find it too pedestrian and he often finds it more difficult in a bed due to its connotations). The bed was freezing and we giggled a lot trying to get warm. Lots of kissing (he is an amazing kisser) and my telling him how wonderful a man he is and how happy he makes me and how I didn't mind if we just kissed and cuddled all day.... an improbably loud, earth-juddering orgasm later (mine - faked) and he ejaculated!! I would never normally fake an orgasm but I was simply too anxious to get there and I just knew it was the right thing to do for Mr. Viv's confidence so...

Mr. Viv is currently walking on air..he feels so terrific and it's wonderful to see. I've just got my positive OPK and he's saying he wants to go again tonight

You make some great suggestions, Boodle, and we are by no means out of the woods. We have talked and talked and really, I do believe his overdosing on Viagra on Friday night was the trigger for further angst. He was sweating profusely, dehydrated and kept saying his head 'was fucked'. He had to keep going for a lie-down as his heart was racing so dramatically. This led to anxiety all day Saturday and by the time evening came he had lost all confidence. I have learned that no amount of porn or my dressing up or magazines will help him. It is his mind - the demons which relentlessly tell him he's shit and bound to fail. So..gentleness is the way forward. I am not naturally gentle or patient but I am kind, empathic and love him very much. I am also a fighter. I will simply have to keep tending his fragile ego and persuading him he doesn't need the Viagra.

Thanks again for listening and taking the time to respond.

Big hugs to you Viv. All these complicated men, eh? And they say we're the contrary ones..
DH has absolutely promised me that he's going for his SA and bloods this week. Drumroll, please.

Pip Glad to hear you're recovering well.

Waahoooooo, viv! (I have visions of erupting volcanoes, trains heading into tunnels, popping champagne bottles, fireworks, rocket launches, etc.)

Well, OK, may it wasn't quite like that for you, but great news that he completed! Nice of you to day, but my "advice" was a load of shit! Was just trying to be more helpful than my usual replies of 'Poor you, '!

captain, my DH has too promised that he will go for his 2nd SA this week. I'm not exactly holding my breath...

Aw, thanks, Captain, I really hope your hubby goes for that SA [steel drums rolling 'ere oop North]

Boodle, your advice was brilliant, actually, and I very much appreciate people taking the time to give considered responses when I feel in despair.

Hello everyone, I wonder if I might join? I'm 33, been ttc since last summer, got pg in Sept and then found out I'd had a mmc at 12 week scan. Now coming to end of first cycle post ERPC so no idea what's going on or when af will come (today is cd29 which used to be my average cycle, not that that means anything now). Did a FRER yesterday and got a very definite negative so guess its now the waiting game.

I'd spotted this thread and thought you all seem like a lovely bunch- funny, down to earth and supportive. And I totally relate to some of the woes and stories on here too.

Before anything else though, can I ask what elderberry pavlovas means? (or if I don't already know should I not be here?)

Hi Thundercatsarego! I haven't got a clue what elderberry pavlovas means! (Well, I could have a guess at the elderberry bit, but pavlova!?)

I'm sure a trawl back through the first 2 threads would shed some light on the matter, but I'd just wait for one of the wise ones to turn up and explain!

Sits back and waits patiently.

me neither girls can hazard a guess at the elderberry bit, do you reckon pavlovas is because we are so sweet lol, or maybe we are just a bit squishy around the middle.

Think it was pip who came up with the Elderberry pavlova thing if I'm not mistaken?? Can't remember what it was but there's an official name for first time mums to be that sounded a bit like elderberry pavlova?!?

• first time mums to be over 30 that should have said.

Welcome Thunder

God Im glad OV is over now, an we dont have to DTD as much! My OH seems to have caught a touch of lazy bastard-itis!!!! He is doing my head in! He seems to be surgically attached to the sofa and will only move to go upstairs and play games! Some days I could happily bloody throttle him!!!! Anyone else ever imagine killing their annoying waste of space or is it just me.......phew rant over. Cant even have a drink as that will loosen my tongue and I may let him know how annoying he is!

Ohhh I'll be very interested to learn what our collective name is

Hi mother, nice to see you here too! And yes throttling does come into my mind often enough.

Thanks for the welcomes ladies.

Hello Thundercat! Welcome! Sorry to hear about your MMC, FX you get your sticky BFP very soon.
It's from Elderly Primigravida, which is how the medical profession class women having their first child after the age of thirty-something.

Mother maybe just start piling the dirty dishes up his lap?

Found it! It's 'elderly prima gravida'. Which I admit doesn't sound a lot like pavlova! Not sure where that came from

Ha captain you beat me to it. Cross post.

Wow. So we really are elderly, it's official. Ouch!

Mother, my DH has the same condition; TV, console and laptop all day long! He always gets like this in January - I think it's semi-hibernation! I probably shouldn't criticise though...I may need my laptop surgically removing as it seems to be fusing to my legs!

Who the fuck came up with elderly perma-tans?! Arseholes!

Welcome, Thundercats!

Hi, I'm 35 ttc for #1 this month. So went to the GP to get 'started' as i have a few issues, namely do i need rubella etc vaccines, had been diagnosed with pcos do i need anything, pain during sex. she shooed me off saying try for 3 months and if not come back to do ovulation test and once pg will do antibodies test to see if i am immune and give rubella vaccine - i was born abroad. i came away as i was clueless about these things

spoke with sil who lives in australia today who tells me that is bs she was given a booster before she got pg and was told not to try for 3 months after. i've read up on the topic and am confused and worried what to do next. should i call up GP and insist on antibodies test now? please help.

glad its not just me then, ive taken a deep breath and am feeling less angry now Im off to snif out some choccy.

think I prefered elderberry pavlovas before I knew what it meant

Welcome Hyper. I've been TTC for 5 months and not been to the GP so no idea if I'm immune to these things or not?? I'm sure loads of people get pregnant without getting tested first. But I'm no expert. Maybe try asking in the pregnancy forum see what people's experiences there are?