Elderberry Pavlovas Unite - the over 30s TTC number 1 (thread 3)

[Bunnygirlie]

Hey ladies, we're over here!

bunnygirlie, 32, TTC since June, AF coming around New Year!
Twinklestar 2, TTC1, cycle 16, BFP was due 19/12
BraveLilBear,TTC
Lolcbcb,TTC
Aquarius,TTC
Happylass 34 cycle 4 BFP due Jan 1st
Navis176, 35, TTC #1, cycle 3 (this time around), bfp due around 19 Jan (I think?)
Neshie, 31, TTC #1, on cycle 9, after stopping the pill 18 months ago (took 10 months for AF to return!) BPF due 12th January Fx
MotherOfCleo TTC#1, cycle 3, 5dpo, BFP due New Years Day.
Viviennewestwould, 41, childless hag, TTC one year (mmc in March), on Clomid, ovulating today!
Pipbin 37 cycle 16 BFP due 26/12

Zombies, 32, almost 3 wks pg (by my calculation)- per standard
measurement from LMP, 6 weeks pg, PCOS.
MeanMrsMustard 31, 5 weeks pregnant.
Quod,33, PG
Purplemonster, PG
Janey 38, 12 week scan on Christmas Eve
HazleNutt, due June 21st
Rach, 34, 13+4 pg, due 26th June

Apologies if I've missed you or got something wrong

evening all! Interesting to hear about the various GP/consultant experiences. As I've just turned 35 and we've been trying since May (ish) we're going to the GP next month, assuming no BFP this month. TBH I think we've only had a couple of cycles where we really got the timing right, but better to get the process started anyway.

I am into the TWW now. Meh.

Hi y'all.

As i know we've missed this month I am getting a head start on next month. Exercise, lots of water which is apparently vital for keeping the body moist, full fat milk which apparently helps with cm, better diet with fish at least once a week.....

Anybody else eating/drinking stuff just for TTC ?

Bunny, I have given up booze and am trying to give up my one roll up cig a day. I've given up sweetener and caffeine. I eat organic foods 90% of the time. I'm drinking organic decaf tea and coffee and green tea with lemon. Been doing this since the start of the year.

Yes Bunny I've gone on a bit of a health kick since the new year. No caffeine/ alcohol at all and loads of fruit/veg and meals cooked from scratch. Only eating treats on the weekend. Also getting back in to exercise. Also been taking sone natural iron supplements as am
veggie. Am sure the unhealthiest people get pg but it can't hurt to give it a go right?

*Retro I'm just in to the 2ww too. When's your BFP due??

I'm teetotal, gave up smoking whilst pregnant this time last year, exercise like an animal, eat tons of fish, cruciferous vegetables, sprinkle my muesli every morning with hazelnuts, almonds and brazil nuts, am caffeine-free, eat quinoa by the kilo and never eat processed food. Still not preggo since miscarriage in March...but then again I am old

Made a fucking sublime chicken stew with dumplings tonight. Dog's bollocks (sorry for the profanities; spent far too much time with drug addicts this afternoon)

I tried to give up booze and caffeine but have cracked already decided everything in moderation and am just cutting down: not drinking coffee at all and not drinking booze during the week. I've not taken up any foods or behaviours though. I think I have quite healthy habits in general - I don't drink much, get a fair amount of exercise, cook from scratch most of the time, etc.

Happy, AF (being a scientist I don't like to tempt fate by saying BFP) is due on the 27th based on my average, but my cycle varies from 32 to 37 days so who knows.

I'm finding it tough not to have my one rolly a night. I did ok up until last Tues and then I crumbled.

Dtd again! That's 8 times in 14 days - basically since 1st Jan. only one more to go thank god

Doc tomorrow for referral to fertility clinic.

Crikey twinkle you must be knackered lol

Good work Twinkle!

I need a little rant space ladies, hope you don't mind..
I am just so sick of DHs work and his utter inability to give any priority to anything else in his life. He's been struggling to keep his company from going bust for years, thanks to this sodding economy. He is mentally exhausted - panic attacks all the time, can't speak properly, tics and twitches. He's had the form that will get him nhs cognitive behavioural therapy for a month and not looked at it. Last week he called off his SA appointment due to work commitments but assured me he'd go today. Last night I asked if he was going to, but no, an important meeting's come up so he'll try to do the SA next week, and I just know that next week will be the same story! That's more than a month since he was given the referral form! And he still hasn't been for his blood test either!

I just don't know what to do. He's so fucked, I can't have a go at him as it will just get him panicking and upset, but we can't carry on like this. Last night he said "sorry, I know you really need me to get this test done". It took all my effort to say in a calm voice "WE. We need you to get this test done".

He simply cannot conceive of putting his health and our future child ahead of his business as a priority. How can I make him understand? We've talked about his work/life balance so many times but nothing ever changes. He is killing himself, and our chances of children, but nothing seems to make him see that it has to stop. He's 40 in March, and I'm getting so scared that the only thing that will stop him is some kind heart attack / stroke / physical disaster. If I try to tell him any of this, he just gets upset and starts this whole self-blaming panic response, and doesn't listen, and doesn't change.. gah.

Sorry for long rant. I stewed on it all night and just had to let it out somewhere.

oh captain that sounds really stressful. I don't really know what to suggest - it sounds like trying to talk about it causes just as much stress as not talking about it - hopefully someone else on here will have some more useful advice [hug]

I'm impressed by everyone making changes to their diet/exercise routine - I've done nothing - oops. And I suspect I'm drinking too much - obviously I would give up as soon as bfp, but after 4 mmc it is too stressful to completely give up all the time - is there strong evidence that alcohol affects conception?

twinkle - good work! we dtd loads this month though and have now had 3 days of spotting - I never bleed mid-cycle so no idea what's going on - roll on friday for either af or poas!!

Navis - thanks for the hug.

Without wanting to get all optimistic and too excited, but could your spotting be implantation bleeding?

Hey y'all,
Is there room on the thread for me? I've been lurking for a while but had hoped to get a BFP this month...instead AF arrived today, two days late, right when I was secretly getting hopeful. No huge surprise as last month I had the flu around ovulation, but still, I'm gutted.

We've been TTC for 7 cycles now; I strongly believe I had a mmc last autumn but at this point I don't know if that was a good sign, or a bad one. I'm 38 in a few weeks (OMG OMG OMG) and I guess this means next week I'll need to arrange all the necessary tests to make sure everything's in order....I was tested in my home country last spring, and all was OK, but still, I dread going in. I had always envisioned getting pregnant as something private, rather than something that might need medical intervention. I guess I'm just scared.

Off to have some chocolate and perhaps a pity-party glass of wine - tomorrow when I feel a little stronger, I'll get back on the eating right/exercising/no alcohol bandwagon.

This is all such a crappy rollercoaster, isn't it.

Captain, your husband is clearly institututionalised by his work and cannot see further than his commitment to it. You are right to be concerned. It's unhelpful of me to suggest he is being selfish - he feels as trapped in his predicament as you feel trapped by his seeming refusal to step away. Do you feel he is in the right place mentally to have a baby? Would you be raising this child more or less single-handedly thanks to his work? Will he be there forever? It seems an inescapable fact that his attention and commitment and time are all focused on his work with very little left for your dreams. What a horrid situation. I can only suggest that you threaten him, suggesting that you will not stick around to watch him destroy his health and your hopes of a family. Demand he takes stock and at least looks at ways of managing this situation - or getting out of that job. Some things are simply not worth the demise of your health and sanity.

Blimey, Captain, reading your post again makes me think your husband is perilously close to a breakdown (I have had experience of this). The fact that he has not taken the opportunity of CBT when he is ticcing and having panic attacks is really very worrying. Could you go to see his GP alone and throw yourself at his mercy? Tell him everything -leave nothing out. The GP has a duty of care and will have to act (don't worry - they won't cart him off). I am not surprised your husband makes no time to have his SA; it is clearly the last thing on his mind - which is so very unfair on you. I hope you can find some help for him.

Navis*, yes, drinking can really impair your chances of conceiving and most people are in denial about how much they actually drink. Read Zita West - she's dead against it and argues that, if we really want this baby badly enough, we would do anything (and give anything up) if it meant increasing our chance of conceiving. Try finding alternative ways of getting your 'high' - exercise? Sorry to sound imperious but, you did ask!

Hello, Sidney. Don't be afraid of the tests - knowledge is power, right? I'm 41 so we can smack our gums together and bemoan our ancientness.

Haha Vivienne, ancientness indeed! I don't look, feel or act 37 but when it comes to TTC sometimes I feel I may as well be 87, for all the doom and gloom I read about declining fertility and how I really should've popped out a few in my early 20s. Speaking of, I am now fully on board with not watching OBEM - much too dispiriting. You're right, knowledge is power, but my 24-hr pity party is still going on so I'll embrace that tomorrow.

Navis I used to have a job that affected me similarly - it felt like losing a limb when I was forced to slow down. It was actually terrifying. I feel for you, watching him pay such a price, knowing that there are things that would bring him long-term happiness, if he'd just take a small time-out to attend to his actual life. Fingers crossed you can get through to him, and soon.

Oh Captain I really feel for you. Watching someone you love run themselves into the ground is awful. I'm no psychotherapist, but it does sound like you could both do with some help. I wonder if his delaying CBT is part of denying there's a problem at all? Or at least postponing the pain of having to face the truth. Perhaps you could present it as a more positive thing, or ask him to share his fears a little? Sometimes when we confront our fears we realise they're not so scary after all. I mean, when you think about it rationally, what's the worst that can happen if you speak to a counsellor - they or you say some things that make you feel bad. Well it sounds like he's already feeling pretty awful. And once there he can always walk out if it gets too much (the strong likelihood being that he won't).

I see viv's point that it is somewhat selfish of him to ignore your needs, though I must say I'm not a fan of threats myself. I also wonder if he might think your baby demands are selfish given what he's going through (I'm not suggesting you are at all, just wondering what's going on for him). Sometimes when we offer the opportunity for someone to give feedback it can be easier for them to take your feedback too. I wonder, does he respond well to plans? Perhaps if you could help him plan out the next week, with some really great things to look forward to (maybe not programme DTD into the diary, but put aside time to give him a relaxing massage or a soak in the tub together?), and also a commitment from both of you of what you will do that's difficult - maybe the CBT and test for him, maybe there's something he'd like from you too?

I get your point that talking about it is difficult for him, but maybe there is just a different way to talk about it that's less difficult. Feel free to poo-poo my suggestions, I won't be in the least bit offended! I really hope you can find a way through it together. I do think it's better to try to address problems than let them fester.

Fingers crossed for you and a to get you through

Welcome to Sydney - I stalked a while before joining in (don't tell anyone!). A fabulous bunch of ladies you'll find here.

I'm impressed with all the healthy eating - though viv is right that we really should be able to make the effort if we want a baby that badly. I'm a non-drinker non-smoker to start with, but am a bit lazy when it comes to the exercise - I didn't make it out for the run as planned over the weekend [hangs head in shame]

Navis - I'm with Captain, fx it's implantation spotting (not that I really know what I'm talking about, but like spreading the positive thinking!)

twinkle while one rollup a day is probably doing little harm, I'm sure you'd feel proud to get to zero. Have you tried the Easy Way to Quit Smoking by Alan Carr? I read that 7 years ago and gave up over night - from 20 a day to zero, just like that. Can't recommend it highly enough. And hope all went well at the doc today.

Just found out my best friend is having a girl - and I'm actually really happy for her. And I love the fact that she and her DH were respectfully "we just want a healthy baby", though they both really wanted a girlie :) FX it'll come our way soon

hello ladies - gosh this thread fill up fast - so much to catch up on having been away for a few days...
sidney greetings and i'm also having a 'pity party' glass of wine this eve - clink - feeling pretty miserable after i was at a wedding over the w/e with 3 pregnant couples at our table. i know and like them all but faced with them as a group it was a bit soul destroying (someone slap some sense into me please)

twinkle you're an inspiration... CD10 here and only dtd once so far so need to get cracking...

v interesting healthy eating chat here. i've made some adjustments but still having the odd glass of wine and cup of coffee - going for a balanced approach. Might change my mind if I hit the 12 month mark (only 2 months away....)

captain I'm so sorry you're having a tough time - some sound advice/insight from your fellow elderberries above... I can't add to it but just hope things get better for you soon.

Thanks for the welcome, ladies. Roll on, pity party - everyone's welcome although nobody really wants to be there!! Good grief, Aquarius, just reading that makes me tear up! 3 couples!! I'm sure you handled it like a champ, but I agree - soul-destroying.

Serious brain lapse above - should've referred to Captain. I'll get the hang of this, I swear!

aquarius if you can get through a meal like that without bursting into desperate tears then you're a trooper! Well done you.

whoop whoop twinkle im on CD13 and have dtd 6 times. I got a positive OPK today so am going to go for the once a day approach until sunday, then back to every 2 or 3 days till AF arrives, ideally around 14 times I hope. Im going for the serious amounts of sex approach this month....reckon it cant hurt lol