TTC for 10+ months, part 10

[princesschick]

A very friendly and supportive thread for those taking way longer than they had ever expected to make a baby.

Joining in with the support for rabbit ths morning.

Nelly, you describe it so well. I am literally inspecting the toilet paper. Still tiny spots, enough that I know I'm out. I thought I'd done so well recently in accepting that this wouldn't happen naturally for us, but then af a few days late allowed a tiny bit of hope and now it's crashing down and I feel so awful about it.

I hear you mrsd. I am in the 2ww and getting annoyed at myself whenever I find myself getting my hopes up for some reason.

Sorry mrsden that there is some spotting. You are so right nelly about how you describe it. Well I made it to 17dpo with temp still up and no af. However, after excessive rummaging and squeezing I have found a microscopic amount of pink. This is enough information for me to decide that this has just been a headfuck awful cycle and that my period is imminent, most likely tomorrow when I am doing major lectures all day. All I can conclude from that is that I ovd later than I thought, although my chart looks crystal clear - I guess temps aren't foolproof. Cd34 today, long cycles are the pits and I really miss my old 28/29 day cycles with consistent 13 luteal phase as I knew where is stood and never reached test mental state. Also, in spite of me and mr rabbit further reinspecting the blue cross and confirming that it does seem very real - I'm going to have to just forget about it. I won't ever buy a blue test again. By now, and of that was implantation bleeding, tests should register positive. There were only 20 charts on ff I could find with a neg then pos on these days and I can't really argue with that.

I'm not really sure where this leaves me. Clearly my cycles are not right. I've no idea what the pink bleeding was. I can't decide if it is better to think that we might have had an implantation failure or to think if it as an anomaly. If things can't implant, what happens then? The saddest things is, that yesterday I got a glimmer into the world of the brand newly pregnant woman. It felt, for a few hours, as of the world had clicked back into technicolor and it makes me realise that in spite of life being very very good - I want the technicolor and have no idea how to go about getting it.

I would currently be totally lost without your amazing support and I'm sorry that these are rather self indulgent posts, I will be able to talk properly soon. I haven't even gone into the office today and am working from home as I can't face it and need to be in the bottom of the cellar in the tent of doom. Love you all.

Oh rabbit I'm so sorry. I have no knowledge or experience of false positives at all, I thought/hoped they didn't really exist. I'm glad you are at home today and you get some answers soon. I have found myself wishing for signs a 'failed implantation' myself and then wondering if, in fact, that's better or worse. I can't help you but I ofter hugs and flowers. X

I wanted to offer sympathies to you too Mrsd

Oh rabbit I'm so sorry about your rollercoaster, I remember exactly how that feels. I don't know if it helps or not but I didn't get my BFP until 18 dpo and even then I could barely see the lines and on one of my early tests I couldn't see it at all. Not that it ended well for me but sometimes that happens (my temps were quite low though too, just dancing around the cover line).

doll thanks for being so lovely. I'm also at a as to implantation failure being promising or worrying. And thanks mrsmedusa for that. Did you get negatives before? how are you doing now? Has your cycle gone back to normal? And meant to say lemon sorry about the evil period from hell. Good that your body has gone back on track but still yuk.

Yes, I had a BFN at 13dpo and then didn't test again until 18dpo (due to the low temps having convinced me I wasn't pg).

I've had 4 days of no bleeding or spotting so, to borrow from lemon the first layer of wall paper has been stripped. Where my cycle is at, I have no idea and I'm not monitoring it at all for now because I think it would just drive me crazy. I'm trying to be a "normal" person who just dtd when she feels like it and for fun (gasp!) I've forgotten what it's like to actually enjoy dtd (how sad :().

Oh missm it must be v hard. But excellent the spotting has gone. I find it impossible not to chart. When I don't, I feel all out if control and unsure, which is silly really. What will be will be I guess. We have started Friday date nights which has been nice.

It's such an odd thing. Yesterday when I was feeling hopeful I actually thought - wow, if I am pregnant, I'm going to regret spending so much of the last two years mentalling and a bit sad. If only we knew.

Funny rabbit I'm just organizing my first Friday date night. I hold on to charting too, even though I have periodic doubts.

Oh god Rabbit that really is hideous headfuckery. i've just checked with TCOYF which says if you have 18 high post-ov temps in a row you pretty much have to be pregnant. I'm suspicious of HPTs early on as i don't entirely trust them to be right but if ERTD hasn't arrived by tomorrow I would second other comments and say test again with FMU. And stop rummaging!!! In the meantime, huge hugs and hand-holding. Long cycles and uncertainty are the absolute pits, and I'm not one to fuel mentalling, but to my mind it is looking positive. I have everything crossed for you that this time it will work out. Do keep updating and don't worry about seeming self-indulgent, that just isn't an issue for anyone on this thread - and we are now all on rabbit-watch. I feel we need a sympathetic voice-over from David Attenborough

Sarlat I'm so sorry you've been feeling so bad. I can't match the eloquence of Lemon and others but want to reiterate my thanks for the huge support you've given to everyone on this thread, your generosity and kindness and don't apologise now we are able to give some of it back. You are so nearly there - I believe you will get your baby. Thank you for the info on IVF, it's really interesting to see how people respond to the drugs. None of us are textbook cases. How is the interview prep going - is it today?

Frannie I'm glad your nephew is managing the treatment well. Young people are amazingly resilient but it must be incredibly hard for all of you.

Nelly hugs to you too. Who knows what IVF will bring - the drs certainly don't. The nurse was telling me about a 44 year old woman they are currently treating where everyone had low expectations because of her test results and yet she got over a dozen eggs from IVF. The consultant was amazed. The nurses I've seen are a lot less definite about things than the consultants. They don't know everything. As Sar says, we just have to go into IVF with an open heart and embrace the opportunity it brings.

Gin I hope you managed a night out without any IVF talk! I hunted out the meaning of BESH a while ago and came up with Barren Evil Selfish Hags, as per the Daily Heil article that Euro mentioned. I think they're great and lurk occasionally but I couldn't manage that standard of wit . I hope the lurgi subsides soon.

Lemon sorry about the period from hell but it's good that it arrived as normal - your body must be recovering. Onwards and upwards from now on.

MrsD I can't deal with the stale milk baby smell either, it turns my stomach a bit. I was amused at all the chat about sniffing babies! Sorry the witch is here, the months where you have hope are the absolute worst.

Princess hurrah for feeling sick. What an odd thing to congratulate someone on

Rum glad you enjoyed the weekend treats . I find I don't just fall off the bandwagon, I leap off with enthusiasm . You sound like you've coped brilliantly with the preg/birth announcements. Hurrah for Paris and exciting holidays! That sounds like a really clever way of trying to tempt the ironic diff

Buzzy loving the Kayla updates. She sounds like a character! Glad your visit to Create went well. I hope the MOT will give you some answers - it sounds like a positive move. I'm also interested to know how they work out blood flow to your womb? My circulation must be terrible judging by my freezing cold hands and feet, I daresay my womb is freezing too I feel like you about being 40. I'm not worried about the number but it feels like the cutoff point by when my fertile years will be over and out I'm hoping Sar's mum is right about a late fertility surge...

MissM good to see you. I'm glad you're starting to feel back to normal. A cycle 'off' TTC sounds like it will be good for you.

Joy bugger about AF. Sorry you are feeling stressed. FWIW my head feels better now the treatment cycle has started - there are no more big decisions to make, it is more or less out of my hands. I too think of you as Dr Joy... Dr Joy of Athens actually

Akuaba I think you had an appointment yesterday, any news?

Cosmos lovely to see you and thanks for the reassurance about life after IVF fails. I'm glad we're doing it before xmas now - at least if it doesn't work I can look forward to a normal social life over the holiday and a break from work to get my head around it. I'm glad you've been in a good place lately.

Critter, jeepers, two baby showers? That's two too many in my book - well done!

No news here. I'm managing the downregging injections so far and not feeling too crappy yet, just really tired, but that doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the drugs. Trying to take it all one day at a time and not think ahead too much. Off to acupuncture later, though like several people have said, more for the therapy than because i believe it has any physical effects. We have an appointment with the counsellor tomorrow as well. But mainly I am looking forward to the meet on Saturday Waves to anyone I've missed, just heading out to a pilates class, healthy living and all that

I'm glad I don't watch Downton Abbey, sounds traumatic!

In your position though MissM I wouldn't be charting this cycle either. I don't do it after ov is "confirmed" and I think it is pretty useless to me for IVF too. Someone on another thread I lurked on recently has a blood test confirm lack of ovulation together with perfect ovulation charts. My temps said no ovulation this cycle for the first cycle ever, dispite the huge A cup post ov boobs.

X-post artemis - news, yes. I'm downregging too

artemis at David Attenborough. You have finally made my face crack a smile. That's the thing, TYCOF (what a joke that title is - it is in charge of me) says 18 high temps means pregnancy and that is like The Law! If I get to 18 and I'm not pregnant I'd like to shove that book up her bum! I'm so glad downregging is ok - how does it compare to clomid? Are the jabs ok? doll are you going for ivf this cycle? Sorry I lost track with where you're at.

rabbit yes I am. I'm going very low key and just getting it done. No one in the RL knows aside from Dr and Mr Doll obviously. I choose the protocol and bought the drugs yesterday, used Internet sites for guidance on injecting.

doll I will keep everything crossed that this will get the egg and sperm to do their thing - you are being very brave.

Wow! So much going on.

Rabbit I still have my fingers crossed for you. I second Artemis in saying that you should stop digging around up there and test again tomorrow. I can't urge you to find an FR test enough. A positive, is usually a positive. I don't trust / like those digi ones. They have to have quite a lot of hcg to be certain to flash the words. So if there is only a small amount (i.e. esp if you drink a lot of water through the day and the hormone is diluted in your pee) CB ones cannot show a positive because of the way that they are made. It's ridiculous in my books. Anyway. I'm sorry for head fuckery and feeling meh. I hope that this is your time. I don't want to fuel mentalling, but ERTD is still not here and your having a bloody long luteal phase, non?

MrsD sorry ERTD turned up. I really hope it's your turn soon. When do you start IVF?

Doll and Artemis wow that you are now in the IVF process. I'm so hopeful for you both. I also think you deserve medals for bravery for dealing with the needles.

Artemis I too at the David Attenborough comment :)

Thank you all for your congratulations on my nausea It is weird to feel like utter shit (constantly hungover) and be happy at the feeling. I also prod my boobs regularly to make sure that they still hurt. Yep, being pregnant officially makes you mad or an even bigger bag of odd frogs if you are me

MissM I remember how disorientating the first cycle after an MC is. I remember trying to get on quite aggressively with wanting to replace the baby lost the first time, at the same time, drinking a lot and smoking a lotbecause I couldn't cope and my GP made me feel like I was very weak. I was a complete mess - for a long time too. You and Lemons on the other hand, are dealing with this brilliantly. The second time, I was a lot more gentle on myself gave us a couple of months off, made some big life changes and then got back on the TTC horse in a much more measured way. It's really important to enjoy DTD, although I found it a bit difficult to start because it was the thing that had caused me so much grief in the first place IYSWIM? I think you are doing great.

Gin hope you are feeling much better today. Colds suck. I wonder if I'm impervious to colds now I've had the flu jab? I'm quite excited because I always get a terrible bout of Xmas flu just in time to ruin Xmas and my birthday.

Heart7 hope you are getting on ok :)

Nelly at your sly shag. Hope you are ok at the moment. We miss you.

Critter you're a legend for getting through 2 baby showers. I love oysters though, so I'm very of your oysters and rose. I hope every mouthful was equally delish :)

Cosmos there you are :) Please definitely do come to the meet up! I think everyone understands time away from the thread for RL stuff! Glad to hear you are happier right now.

Can't wait to meet you all on Sat - well those coming. I've probably said that already.

Loving the Friday date idea. We are tending to go out escape from the in laws on Friday nights but are both knackered by 8.30 and end up coming home and watching iPad in our now pushed together single beds with huge uncomfortable crack in the middle. I tell you, I'm starting to feel a bit down about being at the in laws. They are lovely people but it just feels so restricted, small and I don't have the privacy to do what I want. Plus DiL has bat ears and can hear everything, so I can't even really have a conversation with my mum in private to talk about stuff and moan. One of the reasons I was royally hacked off with being dumped this weekend because I needed to off load on non-DH ears about the situation. I also feel like, although I know I'm not really, I'm being judged for being lazy and lethargic. But my god I've been feeling awful plus I'm terrified to do too much and just want to take it easy. There's constant 'debate' about what's on telly and I just want to chill out at the moment. If it's something they don't like they talk about it and over the top of it until I've given up or gone to bed to watch it on the iPad. We're going to tell the PiLs at the weekend when MiL is back from visiting family. I want to swear them to secrecy. But she is a bit of a blabber mouth, so I'm not sure how long it will stay with a lid on it but I need more compassion and help at the moment and not strange looks if I skulk off to bed at 9pm or can't cook for DH who has been doing manual labour all day getting our house ready because I feel too sick and dizzy. DH and I had a small spat this morning about when the house will be ready. It just seems to be taking so long and he's so reluctant to get any help in, I'm starting to worry about how long we'll actually be here. I don't have any where else to stay. I could go back to my parents but I'm worried about flying again, especially with a holiday coming up and I don't want to be away from DH at the moment because we are so close and I need his support right now. Grrrrrrrrr. Sorry for rant. I didn't know where to send this today. I might be able to speak to Mum without anyone else in the house later too.

Oh rant over. Loves and hugs and wine and tea and flowers and sympathy to all those having horrible times at the moment. I think of you all a lot xxxx

Oh rabbits massive headfuckery indeed. But if AF hasn't shown, then there's till hope? A microscopic bit of pink doesn't mean it's all over? Have you done another hobnob? Sorry, I really don't want to add to any mentalling, if you really do fell that the red bitch is on her way. It's all so massively shite. Your comment about everything being in technicolour made me feel very sad, as it really resonated with me (not that I've had the disney technicolour moment). Massive, massive hugs and be nice to your self.

mrsd big hugs to you too. Like you, I'm just about coming to terms with the fact conception can't happen naturally, but then something a bit odd occurs in my cycle and I think maybe this is the one miraculous one. It's also so hard when you can feel your body preparing for and trying to conceive. I'm not sure I could ever totally give up hope, which is shit, as it's just not going to happen. I hope you feel a bit better soon. Not long until the ivf now, which does give you a real chance and may very well be successful.

Speaking of ivf, wow doll you are so calm and collected about starting! That's amazing. So you're doing the long protocol? Well done on the injections. Well done artemis too. You both seem to be taking this totally in your stride. When do you both think you will start stimming? We may well all be cycle buddies. If my period is on time, I'll start Weds/Thurs next week. Expecting the drugs drop off on Sat.

Critter I can't belive you managed 2 babyshowers and seemed to have enjoyed them! You deserve the 10 plussers medal for that. I love your upbeat attitude and wish I could get some of it! I also love hearing successful adoption stories, as I feel that we may very well end up there. In fact I occasionally lurk on adoption freds.

MissM you seem to be doing well. I hope you are getting back to some kind of normality.

Heart I hope all is still going well with you.

nelly when are you starting the ivf? More excitingly, it means not long until your wedding, yay.

Your poor, poor nephew frannie. It's probably harder to deal with something like that at his age, as he will have some understanding about what it all is, rather than just being "poorly". I hope his treatment is still going well.

cosmo I can't rememher how many ivf cycles you have done, but I think there does have to be a stopping point. I'm really pleased to hear you are feeling more like yourself and looking forward to meeting you on Sat.

buzzy at Kayla knocking over your drugs and vits. Please do bring a pic of her with you to the meet up.

Yay for feeling sick princess. I have really good feelings about this pregnancy. Everything seems to be going really well and I hope you can start to enjoy it and feel excited. The PIL situation sounds rubbish. How long before your get into your new place? I'm sure telling them will make them more understanding. Much as I like the PILS, I couldn't spend extended time there.

joy boo to AF starting. Stupid newborn obviously didn't have the magical baybee powers. And rum what does amniotic fluid smell like?! Your holiday sounds ace. I've been looking at Dec skiing holidays. Yeah, take that ivf!

Ahhh euro thanks for enlightening me re BESH. Good old Daily Fail.

Waves to anyone I've missed.

Well I took myself off to the doctors today, to get some antibiotics for my lurgy. I should be finished with them by the ivf and they are pregnancy friendly ones (hollow laugh). I'm currently veering between feeling slightly excited about the upcoming ivf and wanting to get on with it, and feeling sorry for myself/not wanting to do it. I really, really hope that Matthew and Lady Mary turn out to be infertile in Downton, although have a feeling that the series will end up with her updiffed, after a "long" time trying ie 3 months. Pah.

princess that is a horrible situation to be in. I can picture the 'what shall we watch on telly' conversation and feel your pain! When we were doing up this place (we still are but now its livable we have slowed to the pace of a crippled snail) and it wasn't livable I lived with mr rabbit and his housemate which wasn't too bad but it was a small flat and I felt very upturfed. I can't imagine living with the pils AT ALL! Do you have an estimation of when you could move in? We moved in here as soon as there was a functional toilet and kitchen sink and lived in the rubble, making our bedroom priority to be bedroom and lounge in one. I showered at the gym. Not ideal but if needs must..? You need an oasis of calm right now methinks.

nelly I meant to say get in for the sly shag. I would have too. And will if that is where we end up no doubt.

I am overdosing on MN today, but I need it. It is a bit dark and yuk in the cellar so I'm up to the tent instead. Visitors welcome.

Artemis one last thought on the sniffing babies. I can't help, with newborns, thinking, "that was in my friend's fanny a couple of hours/days ago; sniffing it is just a bit wrong!"

To answer the question you asked buzzy, Create check the bloodflow by a doppler 3D scan. They showed us some examples on the presentation. Some follicles were getting good blood flow and others were not.

buzzy kayla sounds adorable. :)

Joy did you ever take the antibiotics?

Critter TWO babyshowers??? I am so glad most people here don't go in for those.

rabbit I'm sorry the mentalling is ongoing! Can you do a first response with first morning urine in the morning and take that as gospel?

princess you have my sympathies. A weekend staying with my inlaws is enough! Unfortunately your flu jab won't give you any protection against colds. Booooo.

Gin I hope the antibs have you feeling better very soon.

Good luck to those embarking on IVF!

I'm off for my medical and smear test shortly. Please cross everything for a nice clear result! I really don't want to have the lletz but I will have to if it is getting worse. I'm currently starving - I have to fast before my glucose and cholesterol tests. :(

good luck euro today, will be thinking of you and hope that you get the all clear.

Good luck Euro everything crossed for a clear result xx

Urrrgh Rabbit what a total head fuck . You poor thing. Your temps are still high you say on 17dpo? Well I would agree with the others who say it?s not over yet. It took me to 17dpo to get the faintest of positives and so I wouldn?t pay too much attention to that digital fuckstick as they probably require more hcg in the pee. It probably doesn?t help if I fuel your mentalling but It most certainly sounds like you have conceived this month. If you saw a clear positive the other day then that to me sounds like a positive. I know you get those evap lines but they tend to be quite faint don?t they? So I am hoping upon hoping that this is a sticky bean for you and that this pink stuff you have found is implantation remnants. But I would be beside myself so I feel for you so much. When I have had months where I am convinced something has happened, I have to say it has given me some peace of mind that something has happened. I know if things don?t stick consisently it raises another million questions but i have always found it quite comforting to think that perhaps things are working. But everyone is different! Thinking of you and willing this to happen for you.

Doll ? wow, you?ve started. Amazing! This is so exciting and I am hoping this one ivf round will do the trick.

Art ? hahaha at David Attenborough comment and then you say you don?t have the wit to post on the BESH thread. Nonsense! I am glad down regging injections are going ok. Everyone is so brave doing this but i?m glad you are feeling better now that it is under way.

Frannie ? for some reason i thought your nephew was about 3 or 4. It?s obviously awful at any age but 13 must be a very difficult age for all this to be happening. Poor chap but hopefully he will be making a swift recovery.

Gin ? sorry to hear you have a lurgy that?s annoying but glad it will have passed once you start ivf.

Princess ? i can imagine it must be really hard being at the in laws. I?m glad they are nice but still, there is nothing like your own space.

Sarlat ? good luck with your interview.

Mrsd ? can?t believe your af has kept you hanging like this. It?s not surprising that you have an inkling of hope ? it?s only natural.

Cosmos ? so pleased to hear you are in a better place at the moment. Really looking forward to meeting you.

Euro ? really best of luck for a clear result today . I haven?t taken the antibiotics but I have them and waiting and was going to start them the day after my op.

In fact if i take antibiotics will this interfere with the Chicago test and nk cell testing that I will be getting done ? is it best to wait to get all those done before starting on antibiotics?

joyce oo that is a good point about the abs and the tests? Can google or fertility friends shed light? Your lap is soon no? I hope you feel ok about it. Do you want my top tips again? It really will be fine and you'll have nice flushed tubes after. The test was ever so faint but it was blue and it was a cross. It could have been an evap I think, lots of people slag the blue ones off but after looking at about 200 images online (!) it does tend to mostly fall into the camp of yes, this was a positive. I can't believe there are so many images online! (I sound sadly obsessed) I have seen an evap before but they have been see through or like dents. Who knows. I really need to throw it away but I can't and keep looking at it

gin the ivf upcoming must be such a mixed emotions bag. But last go was probably just sodding bad luck. They do say three tries don't they? If I go for it, I want to think of it as a three go process, but I'm sure it isn't easy to see it as such a long and epic task.

Well if it was blue rabbit and not a faint grey shadow then that is good. Can't you save up some pee for 4 hours and pee on another stick? I have to say it was the sainsburys cheapies that I saw my first faint positive- I got through 6 in one day. FR came a few days later. I am willing this bean to be burrowing for you. You must be in head fuckery hell right now.
Oh yes please Rabbit could you write down Your top tips again for slightly hysterical girl here? It's in 6 days. I stupidly looked at that laparascopy post yesterday where people were saying they couldn't breath and were in agony afterwards. I am not scared of pain but I am scared of not being able to breath and side effects of anaesthetic. I felt awful after a tiny local anaesthetic once, they had to stop what they were Doing.
Also they are giving me a hysteoscopy and another hsg. Dreading what they will find and dreading they will make things worse when actually things aren't that bad. My wild imagination has come up with every eventuality.
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