TTC for 10+ months, part 10

[princesschick]

A very friendly and supportive thread for those taking way longer than they had ever expected to make a baby.

Dear all, sorry for the absence, I've been away the last 2 weekends, work has been quite full on, and I've been in a bit of a different place the last few weeks, but more of me in a minute,

Princess I'm so thrilled for you things are going well. Heart I'm pleased for you too, but I feel I know you Princess so well as you're such a great sharer on this board. I have everything crossed for you both.

Who was it who mentioned ceoliac disease and going gluten free? I tried to scroll back and see who it was as I really want to say a massive thank you! I had a lot of the symptoms of gluten intolerance so thought I'd give it a go - I've done 2 weeks now and the difference is unbelievable. My stomach has gone right down, my clothes are looser and I feel so much better. I've no idea if I really am intolerant but I'm not going to bother to go to the doctors to check it out - doctors do know answers anyway afaic! The way I feel at the moment is I'll take being childless but slimmer and full of energy than the alternative!

Euro, your post about the different stages of ttc made so much sense to me - I also feel in that post treatment, got over the initial grief of it failing stage, and feel surprisingly much more back to my old self. Like you said, I feel much calmer and not so hung up on thoughts about what will become of us if we never get there. I think that when you've had such intense times of facing treatment decisions, or scary results or whatever, that going back to days where you're not facing those things feels like a relief. A bit like I always feel after I've been I'll and go back to feeling ok again I always appreciate it more. I really feel that the storm has passed and I'm in calmer waters, which means for me at the moment the right way forward means no more treatment. I reserve the right to change my mind at some point! I think intuition about what's right for you and what you're ready for is an important factor when you're weighing up next steps. I really wanted to post to say that post Ivf fails can still feel ok eventually. I've actually been feeling incredibly happy the last couple of weeks.

So hope it's ok if I still come to the meet up even though I haven't posted much recently! I would love to meet those of you going.

Damn it I was going to do a big round up and respond to everyone individually but I've ran out of time, having yakked on about myself for ages again. Sorry. Big hugs and waves to you all.

princess so pleased you have met another milestone. Hope you are able to allow yourself to get a teeny bit excited!
cosmos that's really interesting about the gluten. Are you generally eating well asides from the lack of wheat? I'm feeling super bloaty at the mo, it may be worth a shot.
buzzy hooray for AF (in the nicest possible way). Onwards and upwards.
joy boo to the AF. I hate it when you have a hopes up month. I berate myself for not having a positive attitude, then you realise why you don't! I have my hopes up at 3dpo FFS
mrsd he's 13. It's linked to growth and is common in teenage boys. He's most upset about having to repeat his school year, without his friends. .
Strange absence of AF. Come on, one of these late ones needs to be the real deal!!
sar and nelly how are you feeling today?
rabbit any news/ symptoms?
rum Paris sounds amazing and wouldn't it be truly AWFUL to get preggers before? Totally inconvenient.
My friend says her baby's head smells of dried saliva by the end of the day...due to so many kisses. Marginally better than amniotic fluid, though!
Can't check back, sorry if I've missed anyone. Hope you've all had nice days!

Hi everyone -

It has been so busy here over the weekend! First of all - big hug to sar and nelly.

nelly, I remember a doctor in the US saying to me years ago 'if you have a womb, you can get pregnant'. I know it's a bit of a flippant/trite thing to say, but it has helped me to remember that. It reassures me that your doctors are happy for you to go ahead with IVF. I don't think they would be suggesting it if they didn't think you had a decent chance of it working. I also have heard of people who've gotten pregnant after only one egg was retrieved in IVF. You have eggs, you have sperm, you have a womble - you will have your baby. I truly believe that.

sar I was so sad to read your post. I know everyone else has said it already, but you have been such an amazing, kind and wise voice on this thread and it breaks my heart that you've had such a rough ride. But again, I genuinely believe that you will have your little one. I know of people here in the US who've taken several tries at IVF to get pregnant, and they have all got there in the end. I can't believe that it won't work for you. I truly believe that your baby will come, and when he or she does, you will know that this baby is the one you're meant to have.

cosmos it's lovely to have you back, and I am so glad that you're feeling happier. I really believe that the emotional churning up of expectations with IVF - and the wild swings in our hormones - can be incredibly hard. On a much lower level, I can totally identify with what you're talking about - I was so miserable when they cancelled my last cycle, and I am feeling myself again now. It's a good feeling.

heart hope you are doing well. I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

rum you made me with the babies smell of amniotic fluid comment. It is a very distinctive smell, and I agree with those who say that they smell best when they are clean and ideally have been washed with some Johnson's or something similar! Poo and sicked up milk do not a delightful olfactory combination make.

princess yay for feeling sick and getting so far. I am so pleased for you. I'm also thrilled that you are sticking around - you're such a bright spot. Hurrah for the future cream cake celebration, too.

joy sorry about AF - combined with a new baby, what a crappy combination. You're a real hero for managing to see the baby and handle it all. Hats off.

missm taking a break sounds like a good idea. Give yourself some time. Hope you are ok.

lemon how was the stew? It sounded delicious!

mrsd I am secretly hoping for you - don't want to add to the mentalling though.

frannie so sorry that you're feeling sad. It will be you too one day. Have a - not a cat's bum, a real biscuit - perhaps one of those lovely Nairn oat and ginger ones.

buzz Kayla sounds like a cheeky little thing. You should put a photo in your profile!

doll - hope your doctor's appointment went well today.

Waves to rabbit, coco, pout, rabbit, and everyone else. All ok here - I went to two baby showers over the weekend and they were fine. At the second one, the mother-to-be looked quite miserable, actually - she was complaining a lot that she'd been tired and felt crap. They both knew that I've had problems TTC, as we'd talked about my fertility woes before either of them got pregnant - so I was pleased that I went and behaved myself and was able to be happy for them. Afterwards, MrC took me out for oysters and I had a little glass of rose and we chatted. It was really nice. We then bumped into another friend of a friend who has adopted after 3 years of TTC with her husband. She's in her mid thirties, but her DH is 44 and they decided to adopt in the end because there's an age limit for adoption of newborns in the US, apparently, at 45, so they decided to just go for it. She and her DH are white, but they said they didn't care about race, which apparently makes the process faster and they were matched with a gorgeous little girl very quickly. Anyway, her baby is utterly adorable - she looks like a tiny little frog with a really expressive little face - and the friend was saying that she felt that she had been 'meant' to end up with this baby. It was really nice, actually, and made me feel a lot better.

Apologies that tho won't be a name checks post but thought I should update and outpour on my state of mentalling. Here is what has happened. So, I've been keeping charts a long time now so figure I understand what's happening and this month I ov tested nearly the whole month til all lh surge had gone. Futility friend and me both agree I ovd on cd17. It is now cd33 and I'm 16dpo with 16 clear high temps and watery pink spotting 8-11dpo, fading out on 12dpo to none. How good is this looking?! add to that, hobnob no2 yesterday did indeed yield a very faint blue cross. It was unmistakably there. Yay we did think. Except digi this evening says Not Pregnant. In words. Like the biggest ever tuna slap across the chops.

Scenarios currently are as such.

I am not pregnant and the test was an evap, it was blue dye which I've read to death about now and realise false positives can happen with these. In which case, my luteal phase has got v long or I got ov day wrong. But adding in ov pains and ewcm, I really don't see that I can have.

I have conceived. Either hcg isn't developing - bad. Or isn't developing very quickly - maybe good.

Either way, I feel confused and horrible. I really thought the test would say 1-2 weeks pregnant even though I was bracing myself for a let down. And where the fuck is my period? There is even an implantation dip temp on my chart. I even gave thought to a due date today. I feel like an utter cock now.

Sorry for selfish post, but need a hand hold. I have become one of those annoying am I pregnant posts. But really I know the answer. I don't have any symptoms to speak of other than earlier I had an overwhelming urge to throw up. Not nausea, like I'm going to puke, now. I think it is probably the nerves.

rabbit squeezing your little paw very tightly, it could be that your hcg levels are just not high enough yet, don't give up just yet

Thanks buzzy I'm in fish slap shock.

Oh rabbit what horrible head fuckery. But it sounds like it could be good news. I have read that the hcg needs to be quit high to get a positive digi and some people have broken them open to find a faint line. I personally gave up on the cb ones and prefer the first response ones. I'm just saying especially if you have had a faint line already - no new fangled digital stuff in those. I'm so sorry this is a confusing time. The only other suggestion I have is to get your doctor / local clinic to do a blood test for the hormones. If ERTD isn't here tomorrow maybe test again? Big hugs and thinking of you loads xxxxxx

Oh rabbit how tortuous, you poor thing. I would be absolutely losing the plot. Maybe the hcg isn't strong enough. Buzzy got hers after 18 dpo, I think. I don't want to add fuel to the fire, or get your hopes up but it does sound Like something is going on. You also did the posh test tonight, so maybe you need to do again in the morning, when the levels are most easily detected. If it's negative in the morning then you can probably draw a line under it. HOPEFULLY it won't be!
I hope you get some kip tonight. Good luck xxxxxx

The waiting and not knowing must be torture, I wish I hadn't suggested the bloody digi now :(

princess the digi was horrible! Never done one before but it was all we could get hands on. I can't risk buying one near campus which has made it a bit tricky. It just spent ages flicking with a sand timer and then bam, not pregnant. Give me squinting at lines any time. I still keep looking longlingly at the one from yesterday. Mr Rabbit has disposed of it now as we both sat staring at the bad words for a long time in silence. Prob best, I would have dismantled it! Not going to test tomorrow, sadly resigned to a late period now but I am a bit pissed off that charting doesn't feel trustworthy as I've done it to the letter and it looks spot on. Every time I go to the toilet I feel a bit scared. But I'm ok. Im glad you feel sick - don't get to say that very often!

No worries buzzy. It's my fault, it was after work wee and I should have waited anyway. I have broken all of my own rules so it is a good reminder of why I stopped testing last year.

Do you have a test for the morning

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this rabbit see where you get to tomorrow. I'm still hopeful for you. Big hugs and a hand stroke xxxx

Extra hand hold rabbit get some sleep. Thoughts with you.

Thank you lovelies, you are ace. I do have another digi but we have very much fallen out. Also, after cheapies, they are massive! Tomorrow will be 17 high temps in the bag. I've always got full af by 16 and all the temps are way into my normal post ov range. It's confusing. But I haven't cried yet! Also, I have googled the blue Sainsbury test a lot more and mine does look like positive ones and not the evap. I guess even if it is just a conception that is like getting to the next level of a computer game I've been playing every day, all day, for two years and then losing my life!

Big squeeze rabbit. I am so hoping for you, this must be unbelievably stressful.

I'm a bit lurgified, so just popping in quickly, but wanted to say rabbit that sounds like a positive test to me! I had an evap line once that made me go fecking mental, but there was no dye in it. It was kinda beige and had gone by the time to read the test properly had arrived. Yours sounds v different... Get yourself a FR lady! And you too mrsd, whilst I'm nagging about it..

Big luffs to everyone, although from a distance, unless those of you on 2ww want a cold to help the ole immunes.

Bloody hell Rabbit no wonder you are mentalling. Well, I know what I think. But I will say nothing, just quietly slide my hand along the sofa and grip yours tight. I think the not knowing is the worst; there is nothing to "deal" with, just waiting . I hope with all I have left that this is your month.

Princess hooray for passing the milestone and feeling sick. Long may the Vom continue .

Sorry for rubbish catch-up post! We have to pay for IVF this week. Boo. Have mostly been distracting myself with just keeping too busy, an effective if tiring strategy. We did have an illicit shag on Saturday though, and have made MrN promise not to tell the docs as I think they might not go ahead this cycle otherwise. In case I might be pregnant. HAH.

I am reading as much as I can and sending virtual love to you all.

Oh crap, also meant to say Thank you Thank you Thank you for all the lovely supportive words. It means so much. I was going to say "more than you will ever know". But I guess you all do know.

.

Rabbit, there is still hope for you yet. I don't think digital ones are very sensitive, so probably only likely to work with first pee in the very early days. Big squeeze.

I think af is on her way, feeling crampy and there was one minuscule drop of blood when I wiped earlier. I think she'll be here by morning. I should know better than to hope for a miracle.

MrsD I hate hate hate that moment. You stupidly let hope creep in, and it's dashed by a drop of blood that's normally only visible through a high-strength microscope. Yet to us 10+ers, you can see it even if you've barely opened your eyes yet, and you know, immediately, that's you out for another month. That for me is the heart-sinker, every time :(

Just looking off for the night and too tired for a proper catch up, but just want to give rabbit's paw a supportive little squeeze.

Just checking in for the rabbit report. Though I do hope you are not awake already....

OOO OOO OOO Rabbit - I am praying for you like mad. What a headfuckery indeed, but it all sounds (whispers) exciting. Please update as soon as you can.