TTC for 10+ months, part 10

[princesschick]

A very friendly and supportive thread for those taking way longer than they had ever expected to make a baby.

Part 2

Critter - glad you are feeling more settled and back on the hobbies.

Nellie - you are allowed to feel sorry for yourself. I felt very sad reading your post and just want to hug you and make it all better. Getting test results back is sickly, stabby and horrid. I don't think most people can even begin to imagine the heartache and stress that fertility test results bring. But they are test results - not crystal balls. You have ovaries and a womb and you have one or two decent follies on those ovaries - that is a better start that many. I 100% believe you will find the strength to take a deep breath and go for this IVF - with an open heart. You DO have follies and you do ovulate, there is hope. Lots of it. Be very very gentle to yourself. I wish I could take all of your pain away. I can identify very much with what you are saying about rather not knowing these test results and just carrying on in innosense. After my bad news hsg and when the dr's urged me to remove my tubes I was distraught and felt (still do I think to some extent) that the anguish and barbarity of all of that is worse than not having a baby. And that is saying something because boy, do I want a baby! Bad test results are so so difficult - I honestly think my bad test results have almost driven me to the point of a nervous breakdown more than the actual no baby in my arms stuff has. I don't think Dr's have a smidging of notion about how difficult it all is. Wow - sorry for that rant, but I just wanted to make sure you don't feel alone with the shock and upset of your results. Big big big hugs and stay on the wine!
And keep talking on here.

Teu - give the acu a go - 'me time' is very important.

Waves to anyone I have missed.

Well I had a big night out last night with loads of girls which was fun. Me and my 2 closest buddies in the group (who know my troubles) were the 'dirty stop outs' and dragged ourselves in and out of bars after the others had long gone. It was a good night but the sadness is VERY close to the surface.

I can't stop crying. I am starting to feel fucked. I am nervous about writing this out of respect for others as I can see that from the outside lookin in, due to my age and the good embryo development that we got, my moaning appears insensative. But I am shit scared that we are no further on than 2.5 years a go and I can't seem to implant my precious babies. The alternative is possibly worse than TTC longterm and that is removing my tubes which is the most horrendes and frightening thing ever - all because my first babie's mc blood accidently shot up my tube. Sorry to be grim and gross and selfish.

I never use to worry so much about what others thought or about getting asked awkward baby questions but this is starting to happen to me thick and fast - and it is humiliating. I too fear I will be the only one left on this board. Because I have already had 2 cycles of IVF, I am getting scared that I have used up my chances. My rash is likely due to my unhappiness - but what can I do. Sorry ladies, I am suprised at myself for being so low and self centred. But still really looking forward to meet up which will be in full flow this time next week.

Oh sarlat, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. First, I believe you will have your baby in your arms one day. But the pain of results, of the trajectory to get there, etc might not go away on its own. I am sure you know the ways too well to need my advice. But remember, it is shit, you are entitled to feel as miserable about it, as you do. And you are entitled to get help, take steps back, have us hand-hold when you want and need it.
As to self-centredness, I want you to know that you are one of the most generous, caring people on this board - and that is saying something, as I think the 10+ers are particularly wonderful. So really, if the hurt is surfacing so badly, and you need to off-load. We're here. We've been enjoying your support. I in particular really value all your care and input to get me through the lows of the past month (1 month since MC today). So lovely sar, it is time to take some of our care and support. To take the support of you friends, who sound wonderful. To feel the pain, acknowledge its right to be there, and then to move on. With help, without help. With fear or with hope and open heart.
And yes, you have your age and your perfect blastos. But you also hurt from the time and disappointments. You can hurt and maybe you should hurt. But eventually, I hope the blastos in the freezer can give you hope.
No magic thoughts on what to do re: tubes and stuff. That is complex medical decisions and I really hope it will be clear to you and MrSar what is right to do for you.
The baby will come one day, sar, just look after his/her mother for now, because you need to. Hug!

Congratulations heart, that is wonderful news. And very much deserved after the operation. I wonder if that was enough to tip the balance.

princess how were the burgers? Are you planning to stay on the brown diet? I reckon babies need sugar and cake.

nelly massive hugs to you. Thank you for saying that you feel positive about my chances. I can tell you that most days I feel like it is all hopeless so it's nice when another person thinks we have a chance. I really don't know much about amh but I've read plenty of stories of people getting pregnant after being told theirs is low (just look at chantelle). If the clinic is prepared to do ivf then it must be worth a shot. It's not that you don't have eggs, just that there aren't as many left as there once was. But you only need one. I do understand the feeling of despair though. It took me many months after finding out about DH's dreadful sperm count before I could feel slightly ok about things. Even now we're going for ivf I'm still filled with dread that the few sperm he does have will be crap and won't work. I think negativity is part and parcel of trying for so long with nothing but bad news.

frannie I'm pleased you're still popping back to see us. I know your mum wouldn't have meant what she said, I guess she's feeling very stressed and worried right now. How is your nephew doing?

CD32 for me and no AF. I am not in the slightest bit excited by this in the way I would be if I were a fertile. I have had 35 day cycles in the past so it's not that extraordinary. I think I must have ovulated later than I though which means we didn't even time SWI right. rabbit has your spotting reappeared?

We got the cost schedule through for the ICSI cycle. It's 3250euro which is about £2600, of which we have to pay half and the insurance pays the other half. So it's a lot of money but not as bad as I'd feared. Of course, it could change depending on what happens in the cycle. I'll think it's a bargain if it results in a pregnancy. I can't even imagine what it must be like to get pregnant for free!

PS can all you lovelies stop apologising for ranting and complaining. We're all here to let our hair down, to write down what we really feel and to support eachother through the shit that is long-term TTC. It is okay to rant. It is okay to be upset. It is fine to tell us about it. We understand and we care.

I just kind of want to ditto everything you've said today.

Massive hugs, sar. You sound in a really dark, difficult place at the moment. But the only way out is through, so do allow your self the time and space to gently come through this. Because you absolutely will.

(And I do know about the biology of my bits, I just said 'ovaries' meaning 'all reproductive organs and sex hormones in general'. More pithy, like.)

frannie hurrah for excellent follies, metformin being helpful, and nurses who are on your side!

nelly I can relate. I'm also an achiever, and the shame & guilt of not being to achieve this is a right bitch. My therapist keeps telling me I need to let go of thinking I can do anything and just allow myself to be in the situation, but yeah. That's obviously easy after a lifetime's bad habits.

Well done to your hormones, critter. I often wish I could have a gold star when my body feels like it's behaving.

teu I'd give the acu a go. This is my second go at it, and the first time round I found it v nice & relaxing, but this is the first time it's felt as if it's doing anything. Definitely worth a try.

mrsden that sounds much more affordable than I'd imagined. Where will you be having it done?

I'm fed up with my body today. (Hear that, body? You & I are officially on the outs.) Spotting after sex this morning, which has kind of been the plague of my existence since I took out that wretched mirena. So I had a cup of coffee this morning (soooooo delicious), went for a hardcore run (for me - I'm not that fit, but have been going softly, softly with exercise in the 2ww on the advice of the woo books/my acu, which has been frustratingly slowing my progress!), am eating a luffly slice of cake and will be having much wine tonight. I've been so good the past month and half (well, mostly), and if my body won't play, well neither will I.

At least for today. Back on the wagon tomorrow. But boy, am I enjoying my treats.

Enjoy your day off the wagon rum. Sounds fab. And there is always tomorrow for getting back on. Also a run does not count as falling off.

The cost does not sound too bad mrsd, if I am honest. If I could buy a baby, I so would. Sadly it seems to involved buying a lottery ticket more than anything else, which I am less keen on.

Oh RAGE! Just written a v long post and somehow deleted

In it, I gave much love to sarlat and nelly (will come back to this in next post - keep going both of you - you are truly amazing) and lemon for her lovely post. I told mrsden I thought that was a bargain and joyce your exam words resonated deeply with me. princess I wrote almost a book about my love of burgers and how i had the best burger of my life last night in Manchester and told you to stay for your whole pregnancy. I asked buzzy about Create, cheered on frannie and critter and gave heart huge huge congratulations. I waved luffs to gin and euro and rum doll and lurkers meaning pout and hopefully cosmos and other 10 plussers in the golden tent.

Someone get out billy bass - 14 dpo here. I had watery pink spotting for three days, brown/yellow barely notiecsble for one and yesterday and today it has entirely gone. In spite of hourly trips to the loo. So 8dp-11 dpo with low backache too. Whatever happens, and I'm pretty sure it will involve tampons, this has felt very different. I'm remaining pragmatic that pregnancy doesn't happen to me, but it's hard not to fret over it. Dreading my period now. It's a shame I have a terrible hobnob fear, I do feel I sholud check to see if something happened. Not going to though.

I am waiting to get a call to pick someone up. So quickly: Rabbit Ooh Ooh Ooh. That is all . Lemon I will copy/paste your entire post to Sar. Who has been such a rock for all of us. Time to repay the favour a bit. . Rum I love your falling off the wagon theory. Imbehaving till post IVF then falling off spectacularly for wedding and honeymoon. Although I am not actually that good ON the wagon. Please keep reminding me to drink more water. This is probably why I'm not pregnant .

Oh the one time you think you are safe - early in the morning with your hobble in a field - met a neighbour and got told about their newborn. Who has my boy name, which is MrNs middle name .

Thank you all so so much for the support. Feel better today but mostly because I'm just keeping busy. Will reply properly later. But for those of you (under 35) struggling with the finances of IVF, please start considering egg share options .

comes in to share rums bamboo cake

nelly the woman at Create said that low AMH doesn't mean no baby!!! Have you been to any other clinics?? I think you have I have to say I am glad that I have had two opinions on the IVF front.

frannie fingers crossed for IUI

critter glad your hormones have calmed down, the spotting is my belated AF, not sure if I actually ovulated this cycle, no change of being updiffed.

rum yes she is a pretty little black and white kitty who managed to climb onto the fridge and knock over her normal biscuits as they obviously taste different to the ones I had put in her bowl

Well I have returned from Create, think I might have past euro somewhere along the way.
I was quite impressed, the consultant gave a good talk for about an hour then we got to as questions then waited for our turn with the consultant, she is certainly against long protocol, which suits me, talked about not interfering too much, less is more, quality over quantity etc. She went on about the fertility MOT and that some issues can be solved from there and that she has had some cases where they have not needed IVF in the end, obviously very few cases. She also said that a low AMH doesn't mean no baby nelly she also said that some clinics will suggest ICSI if the sperm is low, (which is what NLC suggested to us) she said that Create will look and see if they can improve the quality of the sperm. Interestingly she also said that in Dec 09 they changed the stats for what was classed as a good SA, she said alot of clinics were still using the old stats, Mr B's were not all that bad.

Having said all that when I showed her our results she looked at us and said considering your age and the fact you haven't fallen pregnant in a year I'd suggest IVF. I'm looking forward to the MOT, I think we might get some clearer answers, she did say that sometimes they can find things that cause miscarriages, I suppose if I have poor blood flow that could be a cause, in fact she said poor blood flow could be the reason that implantation doesn't happen, Ha knowing my luck we will get there and they'll tell me my blood flow is fine.

She talked alot about IVM I just wish I had known about it a few years ago.Slightly worried that my reserve will be crap, my other worry is that we try IVF and not ICSI and that Mr B's sperm will be too lazy to fertilise the eggs and the cycle will be wasted.

Well on our way back we passed a shop that had a mug say 'KEEP CALM YOU ARE ONLY 40' it made me laugh and I told Mr B i'd like that for my next birthday, I'm not worried about being 40, I think its quite exciting, its the being 40 and childless that worried me.

sorry for going on and on...............

x post with rabbit, a barramundi slap for you, I think you might have cracked it

Lovely ladies, I'm reading away but not had the head space to post. First extra massive loves to sar and nelly I'm sorry you are have such a hard time right now, Thanks for your lovely comments on the board lemon to heart congrats and ooh I'm thinking of you rabbit

I somehow can't write myself into the list update. I have my doctors appointment on Monday and I still have so many questions and doubts. I have no idea what our situation will be when we walk out. I have a lot of other big life choice things going on too. Bugger. I'll report back on Monday.

Anyway, the point was I'm thinking of you all, just needed to shelve my stuff for a bit.

X

Just wanted to pop in to offer sar and nelly some big hugs. sar it's only about 2 weeks since you found out the FET didn't work -that's no time at all. Please please be nice to yourself and you are totally allowed to be miserable. As the others have said, you give such great support and words of wisdom and we are all so happy to do the same for you. I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but what I can say is that you will eventually start to feel better about things. But in the meantime, it's shit, so do wollow and post here as often as you need to.

nelly sorry about your results. Like mrs d it took me ages to get over that awful feeling if shock, anger and sadness when we got mr gin's results. Your consultant thinks you have a chance with ivf and remember it's quality not quantity. Btw if we need to move into donor sperm and iu I doesn't work, I will be egg sharing. I'm surprised more people don't.

buzzy sounds like create went well? The fertility scan thing is good and pretty thorough. When is your appointment?

Ooooo rabbit, I'm a tiny but excited on your behalf. Get yourself a hobnob lady! I sooo hope this is happening for you.

mrsd that's really cheap for icsi. I don't understand why it's so expensive in the uk. And no worrying about mr d's sperms until you see what they actually do. Wasn't the morphology ok? I think that's a good sign.

Waves and loves to lemons, rum, artemis, critter and everyone else. Nice to 'see' you frannie.

I'm off out tonight (so joining you rum in the wines) but have this fear that people may corner me and try to talk about the ivf. I don't fucking want to talk about it on a night out! If they try, I think I'll just tell em this. I'm sure it's mostly nosiness or hoping that it won't happen to them-ness.

gin I would happily egg share but I'm a dinosaur so I am not allowed my appointment is on Friday, sort of scared and excited.

doll sorry you are feeling like this, don't rush into anything, I do believe you have to have your mind in the right place, I know I am not there yet

Congrats heart. Fingers crossed this is a sticky one. I had problems with the Pill too. It turned me into a wrist-slitting misery.

Buzzy it sounds like you found Create interesting. I was wondering if we crossed as a couple of the morning couples were still there when we arrived. I like their approach (as few drugs as possible). We are going for a consultation in December with a view to starting in the New Year. Have you decided to go ahead?

Princess I loved your meeting story.

Critter I'm glad your hormones seem to be calming down now.

Frannie I usually lose it with self-checkouts even when I am not hormonal!

Nelly sorry you've had a bit of a rough time. I am full of admiration that you are juggling IVF with wedding planning. sarlat had some very wise words there. You are having periods. There are eggs. You will have a baby.

sarlat I'm sorry you are feeling so sad. The decision about your tubes is a really difficult one.

Teu I found acu helpful as "counselling". The therapist was very interested and informative - the complete opposite of most drs I have seen. And, crucially, she had time to listen. I don't know if the needles did any good but I definitely found seeing her helpful.

euro I was the redhead there, we go on Friday for our MOT's and then will decide from there where we go, most likely in the new year, Xmas time might not be the best, I would still like a couple more natural cycles, I did find it useful, I was not keen on LP at all and neither was Mr B

LP? Can't think of who you mean. Perhaps we saw different people?

I had so much treatment in the first half of the year (Letrozole, IUI, cancelled IVF cycle) so we decided to just take the second half of this year au naturel.

LP long protocol, down regging

Ah! Of course. I thought you were talking about a person. Doh.

I can definitely recommend avoiding the downregging!

I don't think I could cope with it, mild is more than enough for me,

rabbit that sounds interesting. In awe of the non-hobnobbing. FX.

nelly euro summed it up. You will get your baby. Hope you're feeling a bit better this eve. Big hugs.
sar I'm sorry you're feeling shit. Like nelly you will get there. Remember the Katherine grainger comparison I think you talked about in the summer. You are so good at reassuring us but must take your own advice. When is the next appointment?
lemon hear, hear about us all worrying! This is our outlet so that we cope most of the time in RL.
mrsd probably wrong to read your post and think 'bargain!' But relatively speaking it seems a lot more reasonable. Are you going to eat the hobnobs? Got the other hand x for you (and toes for lemon!). My nephew is coping well. He has 2 more weeks of chemo before a little break, then an op, then more chemo. He gets v v v sick but seems to recover quickly between bouts. Obv all hair gone and looking v skinny due to lack of appetite when he isn't puking. He's amazingly brave and I'm so proud of him. (Blub!)
teu. Mr f was the same as mr t. He still pays for it though . The counselling side of it is worth it. They're not all equal though, as joy will vouch, so shop around to find one that suits you.
buzzy and euro create sounded interesting all round. Were you checking everyone out wondering which one could be you? I was sure I saw gin (bearing in mind I've met her) in a service station the other day. After a good stare I worked out it wasn't but it made me wonder if it would be weird to go over and say hello had it been?!
princess hoping you're having a relaxing weekend and that you are over another hurdle.
gin and rum hope you're having lovely drunken times
Hope everyone else is having a good weekend.

nelly Have you looked at fertility friend, there are a few women on there with very low AHM, less than one, they might have some advice and support.

frannie yes I did wonder, I also looked at people filling in their forms to see what name they were writing down

right off to bed..........

Woke up at ridiculous o clock in all of a to do. Temps still up, no sign of any bleeding so pissed on a hobnob, it is the whitest bfn you ever did see. At 15dpo, taking that as a guarantee my period is currently just in hiding and unlike my middle of the night fantasies, there is no mini rabbit in the making will be back later.

frannie your poor brave nephew. Loves to you.

Oh booooooo, rabbit.

Frannie your little nephew sounds like he is being very brace. What a lot for him to go through.

Gin BESH sounds for barren [something- can never remember the E] selfish hags. It's a reference to a rash of Daily Mail articles a while ago about how selfish career women were leaving it too late to have babies, despite the fact that according to the DM, we all suddenly become barren as soon a we have our 30th birthday. So basically, it's a bunch of cynical 30-something ttcers! Babydusters tend not to last more than a couple of posts on the thread - our cynicism drives them away! It's a very supportive thread, but rather more sweary than this one. :)

My temp has skyrocketed this morning, so I can safely say I have ovulated now. I am contemplating a run but really not sure if it is a good idea on my recovering dodgy knee. Hmmmm.

Maybe the pink bleeding was my period thought I'd start a thread 'bfn but no af am I pregnant?' (jokes) I'm not enjoying this at all. In fairness I've metalled probably every other period. But this is the best yet. I've had backache and still do but don't remotely feel premenstrual anymore. I dismantled the piss stick to find the evap. Just for laughs.

It does all sound rather confusing, rabbit. Can you do something nice today to distract yourself for a few hours?