Page 13 | TTC for 10+ months, part 10

princesschick · 2012-09-17T11:21:10+00:00

A very friendly and supportive thread for those taking way longer than they had ever expected to make a baby.

lovesLemonDrizzleCake · 01/10/2012 21:54

Sarlat as to changing jobs, all I can say is that it has given me a life line during the MC as it called on my professional persona. Sometimes pretending things are fine, is a good way to remember how to feel okay. But I did have cries in the loos and occasionally in the office. I am just lucky that no one came in.

But the way I see it is, they are hiring a woman in her thirties, they must know there is a pregnacy risk, well in my case that was very short-lived (and will guarantee me finishing the current contract), so they can deal with the odd teary moment in the office.

I also feel priviledged that I can do a job I enjoy (and got offered this role, when my previous one was finishing, rather than be job-hunting endlessly in today's shitty climate). It makes me feel better, more whole, when I feel I am contributing something.

Does this make any sense? I am knackered so will go to sleep, so I can make a difference again tomorrow, soon

Apart from this, I am thinking of you lots and wishing you strength for work tomorrow and I am proud of how well you have handled all this shit.

Frannieannie · 01/10/2012 21:54

buzzy maybe gin is right and its picking up pre-AF hormones. Alternatively it could be that the stress of everything happening to you at mo is causing v late ovulation. This happens to me sometimes. I had no growth at all for 5 days last cycle, which didn't fit my usual pattern once the follies start.This coincided with lots of anxiety over family stuff. I know this seems a bit rich but I am worried about you. The counselling sounds like a good move- not necessarily about childless future but to help you deal with all that you have been through and to help you think through your decisions. I know you've only got 1 go with the IVF but that doesn't mean it isn't a genuine chance. you're going through a traumatic time, I really hope that you can get some support in RL. Massive hugs.

lovesLemonDrizzleCake · 01/10/2012 22:26

PS I read a large chunk of the chimp-book in a bookshop this weekend tight, me, surely not and I was thinking about princess a lot. Hope all is going well. And I think I am going to get the counsellor later this week to tame my chimp, because the unpleasant uncontrollable sobbing needs to stay away...

lovesLemonDrizzleCake · 01/10/2012 22:26

Oh and I agree with frannie about counselling and anxiety sometimes scaring eggs away.

Original poster

princesschick · 02/10/2012 09:35

Morning all,
Well, I don't know where to start. I will tell you all about what I have been up to and then try and do some sort of name check and a big wave with tail feathers. We're now out of the flat and at the PiLs. It's not as bad as I thought although I've been feeling a little bit home sick for my flat and Brighton. I think that's just because I am now an uber polite, tidy and courteous house guest. It's like being on exchange again... I keep looking wide eyed at DH in a "entertain me on your patch, I don't know what the freaking hell I'm allowed to do". DH's Dad can be a bit odd and it's hard to gauge where things are going plus some things (odd things) make him very grumpy and I definitely feel that I've invaded his territory. This has made my anxiety not so good (think Alice in Hyacinth Bucket) but it's getting better. Oh and me and DH are in single beds, which is odd but it's quiet here so I'm sleeping really well. So I'm working in the day and renovating by night. And being an uber polite and tidy house guest. Oh I said that already. In other news ERTD is AWOL. It is now CD31. I have had cycles like this before. It either means that I'm having a proper luteal phase (ov 15/16) or that the move, tiredness and stress has held it at bay, or the other thing , which I doubt. I feel period-y and have no symptoms bar an achy back - which is probably from moving large items. I am not excited. I am waiting for her majesty's arrival.
Oh and the hospital threw our blood away as we don't qualify for the karyotype test. This made me mega stressed yesterday and we had to go out in the car for me to have a grump. Poor DH had his blood taken twice last week because the stoopid registrar buggared up the paperwork and then we had to see the other consultant who said that we didn't qualify for the tests on the NHS and made a hooge song and dance about it and then signed the forms. but he said he would do the tests if there wasn't a funding issue. So we are now left with the dilemma of what to do. I'm going to wait until we see my consultant at the end of the month for some advice. Fuckers the lot of 'em.

Gin Have my hand, it's a bit rough from sand papering and a bit cold from being in the arctic climbs of the PiLs house but I'm holding it out for you. I'm really hopeful for you xxx

Joy you are a legend to get through your weekend. I like the sound of your new accu.

Sar you do continue to be an inspiration to us all. What a positive, honest and lovely lady you are. You are brilliant. I hope your day at work is ok today. I'm so sorry things didn't work out this time. Big hug.

Critter big decisions. I don't really know what to say, except it sounds like you responded to the drugs well, your DH has good sperm and you are in excellent care. I hope you find a decision that's right for you. Thinking of you though as you are now in the eye of the TTC storm.

Frannie Hope you are ok. Sorry about the met side effects, the family stuff and the low chances that they have dished out to you. I'm still hopeful for you though. I hope you find a good accu soon.

Buzzy sorry the parade of shit continues. I hope you can put this cycle to one side and I agree that counseling for what you are going through may be useful. You have Mr B and it seems like you two are very close and supportive of each other. Big hugs.

MrsD hope that your appointment went well and that your doctor appreciated your trim Have you had your results back yet? Sorry that you have been feeling so low.

Freedom I'm sorry that your IUI didn't work out. But you are being very pragmatic and positive about it.

Lemon Your weekend away sounded great and just the ticket. I could do with a weekend away right now, but I have to finish that house and we go on hols next month so I would like to get it out of the way and come back to the finished nest.

Right, I have to work! It's too busy at the moment! I'll keep you updated with the ERTD status. My tests are all at the other house burried in a mound of boxes, but I have to go and buy my mum a birthday card today so I may have to grab one, if ERTD doesn't turn up today. It's not that I'm mentalling much it's just weird because my cycles have been 27/28 days for the last few months and this is a bit of a curve ball.

Big waves to you lovely lot. Thinking of you all. Can't wait for the impending meet up xxxxx

OP posts:

ArtemisTheHunter · 02/10/2012 11:02

Morning all

Princess wow it sounds busy! It's exhausting being a polite house guest. No matter how well you know people it's never the same being on someone else's territory. Sounds like your renovating is going well. I really admire you. I have never even so much as put a shelf up . If DIY needs doing in our house I wait two months for Mr A to promise to do it, then listen to him swear at said DIY task for a few hours, then get a man in. I am in awe of anyone who can renovate a whole house as well as working and dealing with TTC stress. Admiring tail feather shakes for you . I don't know what karyotype testing is for? but it's rubbish of them to do bloods then decide you can't have the test. How stressful.

Sarlat you're really an inspiration. I am sorry about the sadness. I hope you're managing the fear. I'm trying to take your advice and go into all of this with an open heart. I agree with the 'squeaky wheel' theory re the consultant - worth arguing to see her since yours is not a routine case.

Joycep I like the sound of your new acu. I have been thinking of going back to acupuncture before/during IVF and am contemplating changing practitioner, except there aren't many acus round here and I can't find any that specialise in fertility. I didn't feel acu helped me at all this year but I don't know how much of it is down to the practitioner. I'm amazed at how well you coped with your baby/kiddy weekend and at the nosy vicar.

MrsDen I had the housekeeping debate too as the HSG was today but my bikini wax appointment isn't until later this week. I went for the quick trim option. I should think our topiary is the least of their concerns.

Freedom I'm glad you're feeling positive despite the recent disappointment. There are lots of things in your favour, fingers crossed for the next round of IUI.

Lemon your weekend away sounds lovely. I'm glad you're starting to feel yourself again (cue Sid James cackle). it's good that work has helped you find another focus. I find work helps in that way too, it's a different kind of stress and means I can lose myself for a while and forget about TTC.

Gin I'm squeezing your hand in a nice way, not trying to break your knuckles, if you've got a spare one with all the other lovely hand squeezes . I'm glad the appointment was OK and they've helped ease some of the fears. Even if this cycle doesn't work out you will know you've given it every chance with Mr Gin's sperm. Hurrah for the triangular womble! I liked Critter's image of you in the scan room with the 3d specs

Critter hope you're feeling OK. I'm not surprised you had a tearful weekend. Similar dilemmas here over timing. There's never a good time to start IVF, but the fact you haven't been able to try naturally makes the decision even harder. Hugs.

Frannie I'm sorry you're low. But don't beat yourself up about feeling down. It's not a competitive thing - just because other people have problems doesn't make your pain any easier. I hope your nephew is doing OK.

Buzzy I'm worried about you. I think counselling sounds a good idea, not to think about not having children but to help you find ways of coping with this stressful time whatever the outcome and to help you make all these difficult decisions. It's impossible to know what to do because nobody can promise you a better outcome one way or the other. Hugs and hand squeezes for you too.

Waves to Akuaba who I am guessing is still in the land of no internet... hope time with the family is going well and they're not trying to force feed you booze like mine would

Well I have had my HSG this morning and everything was fine. I found it quite painful actually, bad period-like cramps and I went all pale and woozy while lying on the slab so they had to tip me head down and leave me there for a bit which made the consultant cross because he had another patient waiting outside shouldn't have turned up 20 minutes late then should he. It did make me bleed and I now have a giant NHS sanitary towel of a kind I haven't seen since about 1989. But the nurse was lovely and thankfully my tubes are both OK. I feel better knowing that but still have the stress of the unexplained - if the tubes are OK, I'm ovulating and Mr A's sperms are fine, why can't we get sodding pregnant? I know i'm not the only one in this particular class of shit boat but it really is, well, shit. And it makes me worry about our chances with IVF.

We had a chat with the nurse afterwards and the unexpected and rather stressful verdict is that, due to the lab's Christmas shut-down, if we want to do IVF before xmas we have to start next cycle, which means going to fill the forms in (and pay the full eye-watering amount) next Tuesday and starting downregging soon after that. No waiting a month for me to get my head around it, it's now or next year (crooned in an Elvis stylee). So I am in a bit of a mess trying to decide. In my head I had decided to start the cycle after next, so downregging in November, but we couldn't do that as the lab would be shut by the time of EC. The consultant said (while I was still lying head down and faint on the slab) that he recommends we start sooner rather than later and by the time we got through to assisted conception to see the nurse he'd rung through to tell them that's what we were going to do. She said they won't rush us into anything and it is completely our choice when we start our paid cycle but I feel under pressure. If I wait two cycles that would mean starting downregging literally at christmas and hitting EC/ET during my busiest work time of the year. Gin I feel like you do in that I don't want to have to act preggo at xmas unless I actually am and Mr A might kill me. It's not ideal any which way.

So ladies... what would you do? Go for it or wait? There is no major reason to wait, other than we will have spent longer off the caffeine and booze, and we will have given my newly flushed tubes a few final chances, but I don't know if I am just looking for reasons to put it off. I can probably fit things around work before xmas whereas in Feb/March that would be a lot harder to do. I guess I have a week to decide - we have an appointment next week to do paperwork and at that point I will have to give them a date. I have always expected it would get to this point but now it's here I'm feeling very wobbly indeed and I just don't want to have to commit .

Anyway, best go back to work and figure out how to get hold of 5 grand by next tuesday. Waves and feeble tail feather shakes to everyone.

mrsden · 02/10/2012 13:08

Princess, my friends first pregnancy symptom was back ache. Just saying.
Gin, I'm pleased your scan was ok, a 3d image sounds cool. Do you get to keep it and hang it on your wall?

Artemis, that's good news that your hsg was ok although I'm sorry it was painful. I've so far escaped having to have one. I have the same dilemmas as you now. We saw the consultant yesterday. After my stress over le bush, I didn't even get to show it. Our genetic results are all ok, so that's good news. He did stress that it's only 95 per cent accurate, so there might still be a problem with the cftr gene but on the best information there is it looks like there isnt. Princess - can you pay for the karotype yourself? Although I've moaned about the waiting, I'm pleased we did get all these genetic tests done.

The dr said my blood test results were all very good. He was very positive about our chances and said that in theory we are a simple couple to treat. And that he would be looking for a quick result. I'm not sure how much I believe him on this one. He also said that we were young, at 31 I do t feel young but I guess most couples he sees are much older. He said that this put odds of success very much in our favour. He said we would do short protocol unless something shows up on the scan. I'm not sure what he meant by this, does he mean if my ovaries look old he'd do long? We can start more or less straight away, with a scan on day 25-28. And then the first injection on day 1. Does this sound right for short protocol? What doeS the scan look for? Our problem with dates is that dh has to go away for quite a few days over oct and nov. so we're thinking we should wait until dec. but that would mean ec likely to happen over Christmas and I didnt ask about the clinic closing times. I also hate the thought of being in the middle of it at Christmas. I really wish we could start this next cycle but dh cant get out of the work trips. Gahhh, it's all so confusing.

joycep · 02/10/2012 13:52

Princess ? welcome back and sorry you are having to be on your best behaviour the whole time. Also whispers ooooh at long LP and lack of AF ....here?s hoping

Lemon ? i am glad you got away with MrLemon and it sounds like there is a glimmer of light there now for you.

Artemis ? well done on having the hsg but i am sorry it was painful. And arrrgh at your ivf dilemma. That?s really annoying about xmas getting in the way. I think you need to ask yourself whether you are ready to go straight in to it now or whether you just need a couple more months to process it and get ready for it mentally and see if the hsg has done anything. If I was in your position , I would be wanting to put it off (well ivf is v. Easy to put off) but I?m very good at putting things off and actually I know for me, having too much time to think and build myself up to something is a bad thing. If it?s going to be problematic to start next year then I guess it makes more sense to do your cycle now before xmas...and really you are only starting a month earlier than you would have done. I?m sorry I am not that helpful ? I can argue both ways. You have a week to think about it, and if you feel you can prepare yourself mentally by then, I would be inclined just to go for it when work is less stressful and you have a great chance of being pregnant for xmas.

Gin ? i am glad the appointment went well yesterday an di hope he did something to alleviate your worries.

Critter ? parents getting older rings very true with me too. I know I am very lucky to still have both my parents and I know I moan on here about the lack of maternal support when it comes to ivf but obviously i love them very much and I desperately want to see them be grandparents. All their friends are dropping like flies and it scares me so much. I feel a responsibility. Anyway, I guess my point is i understand that need to now just get on with it. if I had have known 2 years ago that 2 years later i would still not be pregnant, i probably would have got on with things back then. As it is you can put it off and put it off in the hope that something happens and before you know it another year has gone by...but then again for some people it does happen in that time and there is always a glimmer of hope.

Sarlat ? as usual you are so lovely and I can?t wait to meet you in RL. I have met that woman before and I have seen her probe someone about their father?s death until the poor girl was in tears at the dinner table. I couldn;t believe she asked this girl what her dad?s last words were. I do think she has people?s best intentions at heart but there is a time and place to get people to talk and for me it wasn?t standing in a doorway surrounded by lots of babies. People do love to know other people?s business and I?m a fine one to talk but I hope I can be a bit more sensitive. I am sorry you are in a bad patch at the moment. It really doesn?t help that you aren?t able to speak with your consultant. As Critter says, is there any way this can be changed? I think everyone should be seeing the same person so at least you have one person who knows your case history. Out of interest, I know the nhs doesn?t test immunes so is it feasible for you to get them tested elsewhere before your next FET? I don?t know what the stats are on transferring perfect blastos back in are...but they say if you have had 3 failed implantations then immunes should probably be tested. So the last 2 may have been just sodding bad luck but I understand the stress of wanting to find out a little bit more just in case it isn?t bad luck. A
lso, it was in the newspapers yesterday and this might be worth discussing for everyone doing ivf actually, that there is this technique of scratching the woman?s womb lining before transfer. They have seen huge pregnancy increases. It costs less than £100 and takes 15mins. I need to read up on the theory of it but it seems to help implantation and it could be rolled out to everyone in the next few years. God knows where they currently do this technique probably where no one is cycling.
I want you to remember that you have had perfect blastos...so even though you are on a slight diversion at the moment, you are going to get there. I know it seems like the impossible right now and there are still so many questions that need answering but you are actually getting closer bit by bit. I really believe that. I have heard too many stories of people against the odds with not perfect embryos who still have their baby so It will happen Sar!

Frannie ? i?m sorry you are so low at the moment. Please don?t think you are being selfish because of your nephew. You can?t compare things like that. you are a wonderful aunt to him but you also are going through a tough time as well . are you coming to the meet up?

Mrsd ? great news about the genetic tests. 95% accurate sounds damn good to me. Your blood results sound great as well. How comforting to hear that you are an easy couple to treat as well...I hope it filled you with some positivity. Sorry about teh dilemma. If i was you, i would ring up and find out about opening times at the clinic over xmas. What about a Jan start or would you prefer just to crack on asap/?

mrsden · 02/10/2012 15:01

Joy, when are you due to start ivf? I'm thinking dec just because there is a purely psychological bonus to me in starting this year, after all we started ttc in 2010. Christmas holidays are not a big a deal as in the uk so I'm hoping the clinic might not be shut for long, I'm going to ring and ask. This discussion on dates reminds me of all those annoying threads about putting ff ttc in order not o have a summer born baby. Ha ha, the real reason were not starting til dec is because I want a September baby ha, ha, ha. Should I start a thread?

The dr said something interesting, he said that most women find the process is nowhere near as bad as they'd feared from a physical point of view but that it is hard emotionally. He said that we must only think of the next step, ie the scan, the injections, the blood test etc. and not project forward too far. He didn't say what drugs I'd be given but it's the pre loaded pen type. He said tat there shouldn't be side effects, and that women come in thinking it hasn't worked but the scan shows lots of ripe eggs. I hope this is true, I know that some of you have not ad a good time with the drugs and I have lots of fears about the physical side.

Our insurance will pay 50 per cent for up to 3 cycles. He estimated that each cycle will cost us ?1500. That isn't as bad as I'd feared but it's still a lot if we need 3 cycles.

freedom2011 · 02/10/2012 15:51

frannieannie

I take one drug to stimulate egg growth, another drug because of too much male hormone and not enough lady hormones, and I inject myself prior to IUI to get the egg to burst out and shout Come Get Me to the sperm trying to find their way to her after they have suffered the indignity of being scrubbed.

CritterPants · 02/10/2012 16:50

Hi guys

Not sure where to start, wowee, this board has been moving fast!

freedom your last post made me laugh although I know it isn't funny in real life. 'the indignity of being scrubbed' Sorry that the IUI didn't work this time. Do you know what's next? Sorry if you already said and I missed it.

mrsd that's interesting about what your doctor said, and I could totally see it being the case. I'm sure some of the lovely ladies on this thread who've been through IVF already will have experiences to share, but in my limited time on the Gonal F, it was totally fine in terms of side effects (although I was on a low dose)... but I hear that the down-regging is less fun. Good luck with whatever you decide - it sounds like there will be a few of us going through this at the same time!

buzzy I agree with the others - I think counselling would be good for you, not to get used to the idea of no baby, because I still believe you will have your little one, but to manage the painful feelings and the huge amount of stress that you are under right now. I wish I could say something to make it better.

frannie you shouldn't think you're selfish at all for being miserable about TTC when your little nephew is sick. Pain is not relative, and you can't compare your situation to someone else's. What you're going through right now is really shit, and the fact that someone you love is also having a terrible time doesn't make it any easier for you. I am so sorry you are feeling so low. Have you tried doing meditation? It does help me, a little. Are you on to IVF next?

artemis Wow. How supremely stressful. I have to say, I am leaning towards just going for it now, rather than waiting til February - so if you do decide to go ahead, you will probably have me here (albeit on the other side of the Atlantic) holding your hand with a slightly nervous and clammy paw, and cheering you on. Although I can totally relate to wanting to put it off and have one last try. I also wanted to say that I was so sorry to hear about your dad's illness and how people reacted to it, when you posted about it last week.

princess I know you aren't expecting anything this cycle but I am quietly hopeful for you. And I hope the stay at the in laws gets less stressful. I know exactly what you mean about the wide-eyed look to DH, I do that to MrC all the time when we are at his parents' house, and it drives him bonkers, but it's required - you're not on home turf! Thanks for your positive message - you are right, I am bloody lucky in many, many ways - not least because my health insurance will pay for the bulk of an IVF cycle, thank goodness. I did a Jon Kabat Zinn body scan last night and slept like a log, which helped.

I'm not going to make a final decision on all this until I see the doc on Monday, but I'm already feeling better about things. I think I might even have ovulated (although we only did the deed once over the weekend, and used withdrawal to avoid octopussying, so no chance of a pre-IVF miracle sproglet) as my temp did go up this morning.... although that might also be because it's just got cold enough for a duvet and we had been sleeping with just a sheet before. Either way, I feel stronger and more settled. Waves to all and apologies to those that I haven't namechecked.

Original poster

princesschick · 02/10/2012 16:52

Artemis whoah, that HSG does not sound fun. That sounds like a torture chamber tipping you backwards to get blood into your head? Great news on the clear tubes though. I can imagine that being told to hurry yourself along with IVF is galling, nerve wracking etc etc. I don't know what to suggest. Only to say, if it were me and there was the possibility of being pregnant for Xmas, I would so jump on it now. I would think, if this doesn't work out at least I can console myself in Baileys, wine and massive amounts of chocolate throughout the festive season. I would not want to be restricting myself at Xmas for any other reason than actual diffage. But that's only because I'm a big Xmas fan and it's shortly followed by my birthday and New Year.

MrsD I can't believe that you're going to be starting so soon either! It must have been nice to hear that you are a straight forward case. I think 31 is very young too in the grand scheme of things. We could get the karyotypes done private but we're going to talk things through with our consultant at the end of the month and then see where we get to. Whilst I'm keen to find out, we've got to get the house finished and we're going on holiday next month so we are tied a bit by money. Whilst this probably sounds terribly irresponsible they've told us there is so little that can be done I think we've come 'round to the idea that maybe we don't need to know right now and maybe we should re-think next year after giving it all a bit more time. I may even have had the 'lucky' 3rd miscarriage by then, in which case they may reconsider testing. And we've been told to 'just keep trying' so many times by so many people I'm wondering if I just need a bit more patience. I'm very excited for your upcoming IVF though. I've got positive feelings in my waters for the next round of you IVF ladies. Also, thank you for the interesting info from your doctor. It all sounds a bit more measured and calm where you are over there compared to things I've heard from over here.

Joy that article sounds interesting.

Well there is still no sign of AF today. I felt nauseous earlier but that could be other things. I did note from FF that the last time I had a cycle this long was in Jan, but that was a definite suspected pregnancy because of all the symptoms. It was also at the time that we were buying our house and there was a lot of unpleasant stress including an incident which caused me to collapse (yes, I really am that overly dramatic and pathetic ) SO I'm thinking that this is just a delayed period because of the hecticness. I will confirm later as I'm doing a test (a posho FR) when I can lay my grubby little hands on one.

OP posts:

Original poster

princesschick · 02/10/2012 16:56

X post Critter I love the Jon Kabat Zinn body scan, although I've only done it once and I fell asleep at lunch time on my bed half way through and woke up 2 hours later I am going to try and do a meditation tonight before bed. Everyone stays up later here than I'm used to and I'm starting to feel sluggish in the morning. I need my down time in bed for sleepy time!! I'm glad you're taking your time over the decision. Your doctors sound great. I'm sure you'll find some peace in whatever you and Mr C decide next week :)

OP posts:

CritterPants · 02/10/2012 17:23

princess I am actually really excited for you.... sorry, don't want to add to the mentalling. I fell asleep a few times too during the . In fact, the first time I did it in January with my sister I was jolted awake by the sound of her snoring loudly half way through ! This time I was lying in bed and had it playing on my iphone via youtube, and of course MrC decided to come to bed after watching the end of his baseball game at the precise moment when JKZ is soothingly intoning 'now focus on relaxing your pelvic area....and breathe through your genitals' !

sarlat · 02/10/2012 18:27

Lemon - thank you for your career advice, you make a lot of sense. I guess I need to embrace the fact I won't be having a perfect job / baby timeline -life will be what it will be. Did you say your were going to counselling again - sounds like a good plan.

Buzz - I second what others have said about going to counselling - but NOT because this is the end. You started ttc when you were, what 37?? - you didn't start at 44. And look how much progres you have made with tests and even some BFP's in there. You have a lot still on your side. Have you had HSG type testing? Stay strong - it isn't time to throw in the towel.

Princess - well done on the move and renovations - sorry about the PIL thing. I have my fingers crossd for an update on that 'backache'

Artemis - first of all that is great news about the clear womb and tubes but sorry it was crampy and made you dizzy. One positive thing is that this is something you can tick off the list and go forward to IVF knowing that although your fertility issues are puzzling, you left no stone unturned. With regards to timmings for IVF, if you know you want to do it and that decision is already made, there is no time like the present. That would be how I would do it but of course that might not suit you. But keep thinking it through and I'm sure the decision will come to you clearly.

Mrs Den - ooo I am really exited for you. What good feedback from the Dr! Not sure why he said short protocol but it doesn't sound like it matters as he is confident about your chances. Now just the timmings of when to start to sort.

Joy - thank you for your comforting words - I like the idea of getting closer bit by bit. The scratch test sounds very interesting. I have asked care about immune testing but they can't offer it until you are a full patient doing a cycle with them. But I am going to ask about the immunes at my review meeting. Looking forward to meeting you too.

Frannie -as others have said, you are 200% entitled to want your own baby regardless of you nephew's illness. It is more than possible to have space in your heart for both of these.

Critter - it's great to hear you feel stronger and settled - bottle it and don't forget about those feelings. Breath through your genitals - snigger snigger

I went back to work today which was good - like Lemons says it's nice to feel useful. A close colleague who knows my issues advised me there was space for the new job and TTC in my life. My manager's advice was to concentrate on getting a baby and not my career . I will do what you ladies suggest and ring the clinic to natter them in to offering another appointment. I felt better today because I have been distracted. But when I do remember the recent BFN, I feel deeply shit again. I have started a thread asking for others to feedback about chances of BFP after more than 1 BFN with blasto transfers. Just need some reasurance. Am very frightened.

buzzybee123 · 02/10/2012 18:28

lemon I don't have doubts about doing IVF I just feel that I have one shot at it and don't know that many people who have fallen first time, I worry about the cost, I'd do it tomorrow if I didn't have to pay and could have more than one go.

frannie thanks for your concern, it is very kind of you, I've had a lot of stressful things happen, being disowned by parents, divorce but AF was never affected, I think its more thyroid or I've suddenly reached meno pause I'm going to ask GP for a blood test but I don't even feel slightly period like right now

artemis its a tough decision, really only you know if you feel ready to start, I would want to start asap but would also want to feel ready, its frustrating having to wait but I do think you have to feel that it is the right time and be in the right frame of mind, sorry the hsg was painful, I suppose I am lucky that I have been spared all these investigations that some of you girls have had to go through

princess how long do you have to stay with PIL's for. Sorry about the problems with the blood tests but as someone said you can get the karyotype testing done in other places, fingers crossed for your bfp :)

free sorry about the IUI not working, I remember just thinking, how the hell could it not work, everything has been done, multiple targets lazy clean sperm dropped off at the door will you try again with iui???

mrsd glad you finally got the results and that they were good, I'm not too fussed about starting IVF in december or what month my baby is born, I'd just be grateful to have one, some women out there clearly don't have much to worry about I took the gonal F but I think they generally use menopur??? I found that I had ov like pains and that they sometimes felt strong but I was not in pain although I was only on them 5 days.

well day 31/32 and still no AF no funny pains, checked cervix and nothing, I'm hoping my GP will test my thyroid for me, kind of puts my planned dates for IVF out of whack too as I am unsure about what is going on, the longest I've ever gone is 35 days and that was after my ERPC, I just wish it would show up so we can get on with things.

I'm not expecting counselling to happen any time soon on the NHS, I know people who have waited months for it, but will see if I can get a few more through work, I have asked the work one about life coaching and have looked a few up online, feel quite low that I might speak to my GP about happy pills, although in the past she has not been keen, Mr B has said I can have a fur baby as he thinks it will make me happy, not sure how keen he is but we will look at a cat tomorrow who needs a home as is an indoor cat already.

eurochick · 02/10/2012 18:30

mrsd short protocol = no downregging, so you dodge that particular bullet! It sounds like you will be on Gonal F if you are using pre-filled pens. That is what we would have used for stimming if we hadn't cancelled the cycle.

Artemis I'm glad the HSG result was good, even if the process wasn't much fun for you!

princess I don't envy you staying at the ILs. It sounds like you are coping well though. What is the ETA for getting to your new place?

It sounds like loads of us have big decisions to make in the coming weeks. I feel happier once I have a plan. Our plan is possibly to use our one remaining IUI in November and then go for mild/natural IVF in the new year.

I slept very soundly last night, and didn't sweat like a pig for the first time in ages. I wonder if the credit is due to the new woo lady?

buzzybee123 · 02/10/2012 18:40

x posts with sar have you looke don fertilityfriend.co.uk, they have loads of boards on IVF, some of the women on the overseas board have tickers that show that some have had several goes and got a BFP. They were loevely over there and very supportive, I think its only natural to feel the way you do, you've done so well to stay strong through all of this, big hugs x

I haven't achieved anything in this time, other than the fact I am unable to carry a pregnancy past 10 weeks and might never be able to due to the nk cells and that is if I can fall pregnant as nothing has happened in the last 13 months, I'm too old for any help on the NHS so any investigations we would have to pay for and they are not cheap £1300 for a hysteo. Mr Shehata didn't think I needed any of them so will leave it at that.
I'll be 40 in March, to be honest the story about the 47yr old having a baby kind of freaked me out, although I'm pleased she got her much wanted baby I would be thinking I'll be 60 when they are just starting out in their teens, that would worry me, time and money are running out for us...........

sarlat · 02/10/2012 19:11

Buzz - I am so sorry. Do you feel that your options and chances are far less than most people's? I am really sorry if you do. How about allowing yourself 2-3 more years of TTC - that seems like a reasonable time frame. You HAVE been pregnant Buzz, that is an acheivement although a sad ending of course. Are you 100% sure you can't get a HSG on the NHS? You do know that as an NHS employee you are allowed to make a BIG fuss and get to the front of the que with stuff. You need to find out what the referral criteria and protocol is for referral for fertility testing on the NHS. I would be suprised if it was only available to people who would qualify for NHS funded IVF. If that were the case they wouldn't give clomid for example to someone who was 40 as they wouldn't know it was the right drug to give without the testing. And I'm sure they do give 40 year olds clomid - does that make sense? I was always under the impression that the NHS testing was available to all (within reason) including the consultations but the treatment is only funded by the NHS to those under 40. Is this something worth double checking?

Having said all that, if you are happy that you don't need further tests becuase of what your Dr says, then that is fine. But if you feel you would like to then chuck your NHS employee status at the situation for all it is worth.

I didn't realise NK cells could stop a pregnancy progressing when it is a few weeks in? I thought it just effected the very early stages? But I am not up on all that. Thank you for mentioning fertility freinds. I had sort of forgotten about that as a resource.

Big hugs to you Buzz - I think we all do that thing of thinking the worst to protect ourselves - I know I do. But women your age do conceive. Have you considered applying for some funding from one of those ferility charities. I think you would need to spend the money you have first on a round of IVF, but it might be a source of support if you needed more than 1 round. I hope you feel better about stuff soon, because you are lovely and you deserve to.

buzzybee123 · 02/10/2012 19:18

sar Thanks but I have asked and my GP is pretty good, she has had IVF herself but I am too old for any fertility help in my postcode, I'm lucky I get any miscarriage help.
NK cells affect the first trimester, before the placenta takes over, it can cause problems later on. They usually start you on the drugs from ovulation or from a BFP and then ween you off when you get to 12 weeks.
I found the baby centre were great when I miscarried but a bit quiet on the ivf front

buzzybee123 · 02/10/2012 19:55

sorry I sound so miserable ladies

rabbitonthemoon · 02/10/2012 20:47

Evening all!

Will try and do a catch up. Working all hours and weekends at the mo and feel a bit guilty at not being in here more, especially as people are entering all sorts of new territory and dealing with so much.

buzzy I'm so sorry you're trapped in sad feelings at the moment. I've said it before on here but it is so hard to see the woods for the trees for yourself but we can look into other peoples situation with more objectivity. You are 39, have conceived and whilst there are nk issues, there would be treatment for that when you conceive again. I think it's more likely that things take a while as we aren't in our teens or twenties and I really do believe you will conceive again. Ivf has every chance of working and you know, if you set yourself a few years of breathing space, you may well be able to save for another round. I don't think you'll give a toss how old you are in the end. I hope you don't mind me says but I have realised this year just how fragile the menstrual cycle is. Perhaps the drugs you've had and the stress have set things a bit wacky. I hate it when tha happens and have found the past few months of irregular cycles poo. But I think these things settle down in the end.

artemis cow pats to the horrid HSG. Sorry it hurt. And that you are still none the wiser - but this is good. If it were me, I'd put it off. Sorry this isn't helpful but I'm a big wuss with it and keep imaging a time when it will all feel ok. Christmas and busy work period would put me right off! But I'm sure the right decision will come to you. And being pregnant at Christmas how very appealing I hope all the pains have settled down now.

sarlat how are you doing lovely? It makes me sad that you feel frightened. I think new job plans sound exciting. Just take one day at a time right now, I know how hard that is though. There is lots of hope still - I will make up for yours for you for a bit.

critter you would be the only withdrawal diff we could love and approve of

gin big hand hold to you. I'm in the lightning doesn't strike twice camp and I will be keeping everything crossed for you.

princess hello! Wow staying at the in laws. I'd find that very very tricky. Good luck! And no hobnob update?!

euro you are sounding really calm at the moment and the plan sounds good.

doll ou est la doll?

lemon you are amazing. I'm glad you had a weekend away and that the sun is peeking through the clouds for you. Keep going.

My news is about nothing! This month in the interests of ttc science I have done a wee on an ov stick since cd8 every time I've had a wee at home and arranged them in a nice wee stick gallery in the bedroom. Normally I go til I get a positive and stop. Bg I kept going to discover the line went way darker than the control 36hours after the first two lines and I still have positives now, 2 days later. I am a slow temp riser and a scan once did out my ov 3-4 days later than I thought. So maybe I'm just a later ov person. I always used to ov cd18 in my late twenties when I used persona and only remembered this recently. By then, we are usually way into the shag fest and about giving up. Next month I'm going to shift the timing. I have no belief that this will make any difference! But may as well try.

I am reading a book at the moment I wanted to share. My acu suggested it to me to help with my ongoing struggles with glandular fever which still bites me on the bum every few weeks. It's called um...how to live well with pain..I think! It's by V.Birch anyway. It has been invaluable to me and as I've been reading it, it isn't the pain/illness thing I've been thinking of, it's the pain of infertility. It is the most soothing, kind and settling thing I've read in these two years and as you know, I've read A Lot. It's based on mindfulness and I wholly recommend it to everyone here. It focuses on how not to run ahead and wrestle with the 'pain' and well, I'm probably not describing it very well but it's been vey powerful to me.

nelly are you there?!

This post is bobbins! I'm a mumbly fool. I'm all lectured out.