TTC for 10+ months, part 10

[princesschick]

A very friendly and supportive thread for those taking way longer than they had ever expected to make a baby.

Thank you ladies, the initial shock bit is now over - and in some ways that is a relief as I felt so anxious the last 24-48 hours waiting to know if this has worked. Just feel a bit weepy and sad now. Thank you all - you are wonderful wondeful people. xx

Oh Sarlat no . I really am so very sorry. The shock of AF coming must be horrendous. And we all wanted it so badly for you. This is just such a rubbish and miserable process and so incredibly unfair. Give yourself time to grieve before coming up with a plan of what to do next. It is going to happen for you one day. Massive hug and we are here for you. X

Got a BFN this morning - had to just make sure. and tonight.
Don't know where I go from here. But like Joycep says, now is no the time for planning.

Thinking of you today sar. In your place I would not be ready to make a plan today, if you can, that is amazing, if you can't and just want to sob quietly, that is absolutely fine too. Take the time you need. I really believe your baby is round the corner. HUGS.

Oh and have wine, cake, comfort food and everything you can to make yourself feel loved, if not better.

I'm so sad for you. The pee stick just makes it more real and stabs you in the heart again. Enjoy your tonight and I hope mr sar is giving you lots of cuddles

Oh sarlat I'm so sorry. and hugs.
lemon very much feeling your pain on the pg announcements. On top of everything else, take care and be gentle with yourself.
Yay for the follies critter and the meet up with euro
Good news on the Create appointment buzzy and moving to ward work.

Lots to catch up on here, twat brothers , MiLs there are advantages to living several thousand miles away.
The chat about cycle length has me wondering, AF is now so light that it's borderline whether a pad is even worth it - anovulatory? I don't get ov pain anymore either. Questions to ask at some point I guess. Day 3 bloods done.
Tail feather waves to all.

I'm back in the country and absolutely shattered after an overnight flight and a 2hr journey home from Heathrow, but I just wanted to post briefly to say hi to everyone and to sarlat.

Oh Sarlat I am so sorry . It's just not fair. Huge hugs. As others have said, wrap yourself up and give yourself time to come to terms. You're strong, you will get through this. I really feel for you. It should not be this hard .

Lemon it's so not fair about those pg announcements. I'm shaking a fist at the universe today.

Critter sympathy at the roast pepper meltdown! I have done similar. We went walking at the weekend and I banged my head on a low doorway and ended up in floods of tears even though it didn't really hurt. Mr A thought I'd gone mental. Sometimes completely unrelated things are the trigger. I'm glad your follies are feeling the love though. Fingers crossed

Teu I think longer than usual cycles and light AF are indicative of anovulatory cycles BUT probably not if long cycles/light AF is normal for you. Have you had day 21 bloods? I live several thousand miles away from my brother but he still manages to upset me

Euro welcome back.

Lemon - hope you are feeling less stabby in the heart?

Artemis - ouch to the bangy head, althought it's more about the bangy heart isn't it.

Thank you for the well wishes.

I go from feeling strong and focused for a couple of hours to sobby and sad for an hour and back again.

In my focused time this morning, I have managed to book a review appointment with my consultant for 3 weeks time. I have also chatted things through with my reflexologist and accupuncturist. I am not back at work until next week so I suppose this is a golden opportunity to get the ball rolling again. I have also spoken to one of the care clinics who sound lovely and are very efficient. I have learnt that it is possible to move NHS funding to a different clinic before you begin any treatment and maybe even half way through treatment but that would require an appeal process. This might be useful information to someone else. Not sure I'm going to do that but it's good to know.

Care lady (nurse I think) said that if I moved to them, they would have to review my case but sometimes tubal removal is best. Vom vom.

Sorry for hogging this thread last couple of days.

Oh Sar, I am so sorry it hasn't worked this time. I really did have everything crossed for you and so hoped for good news. You're such a positive poster and always say the right things to make me feel better but I know I can't say anything to make this hurt less and I'm sorry for that. This is shit. Massive hugs for you xx

sar a huge hug to you. I wish I could say something to make it better. Well done you for sorting out a review appointment and talking to the care nurse and the reflexologist and acupuncturist. It's amazing that you are taking these positive steps already. And how like you, with your generous spirit, to share information about the NHS cycle switching even in what I'm sure is a very dark moment for you. Sorry to hear that tube removal is possible. I guess you will just need to talk through all the options at the appointment.

euro I absolutely loved meeting you, and I am so glad you're home safely! I'm sure MrEuro will be thrilled to have you home.

teu sorry to hear about family woes and confusing AF, well done for getting the Day 3 bloods done.

artemis so sorry about the sore head and the tears, I can totally see how that would happen - it's like we're on this knife edge with having to put a brave face on things and the smallest upset can feel like a catastrophe as it tips us into the emotions that we are constantly suppressing. Sympathetic cuddle.

lemon hope you are ok.

buzzy I'm actually on day 84 if you go by when my last AF was. I did injections for 20 days, and then the doctor told me to stop them yesterday so no jab last night and no jab tonight. I'm timed intercourse this cycle, rather than IUI, because it's my first cycle of injectables and because of MrC's good SA. This morning I went in again for another scan and had a few follies including two at around 15 mm and two at 17mm... the doc wants me to do nothing tonight, and come in tomorrow morning. He also said we will have to talk about how I feel about the possibility of multiples if I go ahead this cycle.

I'm sorry everyone is having such a crap time. I wish I could make it better for us all.

sarlat I have been thinking of you over the last couple of days and am so sorry that it hasn't worked out this time. I agree with critter that you have such a generous spirit and only wish that I could offer you some of the same wisdom you give others & make you feel a bit better. Instead I can only offer you hugs.

Waves to everyone else. I am busy trying to ignore my cycle, ovary grumbles & strange CM and am steadfastly resisting dragging MrP upstairs for some insurance SWI, afterall that is so not in the new plan. I never bargained on it being so bloody difficult to switch off though. I am as busy mentalling over trying to not mental as I was when I was TTC like a loon

BTW has anyone read anything about Soy Isoflavones? Apparently it is natures Clomid and if you believe what is written on other threads on other sites it is some kind of wonder/instant updiff thing. Though to be fair the evidence on it's efficacy with longterm TTC'ers is sparce.

I also read about Gluten intolerance and how many infertile women are intolerant and don't realise and that this is the cause of their infertility. Apparently some scientists say that gynaes should be testing for this as a matter of course for unexplaineders because eliminating gluten from the diet is all that is needed for an updiff.

Lots of luff and feather primping.

Sar you're amazing, managing to book appointments and talk things through with people and post helpful info on here when you must be feeling terrible... you certainly haven't been hogging the thread. I hope the docs offer you alternatives to tube removal. Surely they can't possibly know yet whether the tubes were a factor at all? Unfortunately we all know the odds are not on our side with IVF even when conditions are perfect.

Critter multiples... gosh... although our consultant thoroughly frightened me with tales of the dangers of twins I still like the idea of an instant family, though Mr A would be horrified

Pout nice to see you . I have often wondered if I could 'stop' TTC but I think I'd be like you, mentalling about the mentalling . I've just been googling gluten and it's really interesting. I've never even thought about it as a possibility and I'm baffled at something that seems to be common knowledge on the internet isn't routinely tested by GPs. Of course I've now self diagnosed as paranoid gluten intolerant . You can buy self testing kits though I don't know how reliable they are. Being veggie I've done a lot of reading about soy, I think the messages are mixed - some studies say it's good, some say it can have a detrimental affect on sperm counts. I eat a lot of soy products but I can't say it's done me any good.

On the nutritional front I've done nearly a fortnight free of alcohol and almost free of caffeine - I caved in this afternoon as I was feeling knackered and brain dead and had a cup of tea but that's the only one. Can't say I feel miraculously different, I'm just more grumpy . Mr A was desperate to open some wine last night but I held strong after doing a bit of quick googling and finding this article claiming that alcohol makes a big difference to IVF success rates. Typically they don't provide a link to the original study so i don't know how what the nuances are and it does say that 'other studies' have not found such a strong link. Has anyone had official advice on this? I'm really naffed off having to act like a preggo when I'm not and Mr A is seriously unimpressed.

In more positive news I have booked my first ever spa day with a lovely friend for her birthday next month. Looking on it as a treat after having the HSG, which I am dreading especially after picking up two lots of heavy duty antibiotics today .

critter that is absolutely great about your follies! It looks like you and the mister have a busy few days ahead

The gluten intolerance thing is interesting. I was diagnosed as having a slight wheat intolerance years ago but as I also got labelled with a more severe dairy intolerance at the same time, I have never paid much attention to it. But it's great to have something new to mental about!

Artemis my HSG was absolutely fine. Just like a long smear. I didn't even know they had put the liquid through until they told me! I skipped the antibiotics though.

sarlat it sounds like you are coping really well. Be kind to yourself over the coming days.

I'm going to leave it there and just at everyone else as I am so shattered!

sar just popping in to say I'm so so sorry . Mrsden perfectly put how I felt when I read your post. Sending you masses of virtual hugs xx

sar I'm sure you'll swing from one feeling to another, its to be expected, I'm impressed and amazed that you have called people today, you are a very strong lady, Big hugs x

pout I tried Soya isoflavones, didn't really do anything for me,

critter at 84 days. Mr Shehata said to me that it was unlikely that all eggs would be fertilised Mr B and I discussed that if it did happen then we would follow their advice, I imagine that would be to abort some :( although I am really keen on twins :) we know what you'll be up to on the weekend then
I did at your crispy peppers, I can relate to the homesickness :(

euro welcome back :) I have booked Create so hopefully we will see you there

lemon how are you??

teu I haven't ovulated this month so can let you know what happens with AF when it shows up . I have found over the months that my AF's have become lighter and lighter my specialist wasn't worried about it but I would ask and see what they say.

Well I don't know what is going on, my temp has not gone up at all, fine no ovulation, but I have had like ov pains. Checked my cervix this morning and it was high or I just missed it . Anyway I could feel it this evening so hopefully AF will turn up soon so I could move onto the next cycle.
My morning patient is what would be termed as 'challenging' but I don't mind her, today she asked if I was married and had kids, I said we hoped to have a family one day, she then told me I'd make a good mum, again had a little cry in my car. I'm certainly not appropriate and professional at work, I went back to my challenging patient and her daughter was there, after I had finished with the patient, she went to have a nap and the daughter asked if I'd like a cuppa, I said yes and we had a chat she mentioned she had tried IVF, next thing I know I'm crying and telling her about my TTC woes, I have to say it was a comfort to talk to someone in real life about it, she was very nice and gave me the number of someone she recommends for migraines and fertility, so might give him ago

waves to everyone

I do appreciate talking to you ladies too, just sometimes it helps to talk to face to face

Sarlat I'm so sorry to hear your news, it's a shit place to be. I can't tell you that it's all going to be okay in the end, because we just don't know, all I can say is that I had 3 years of infertility (unexplained so in one way good as nothing 'wrong' was diagnosed, but in another way very hard as you keep thinking 'why can't i conceive if nothing is wrong') with no hint of a BFP in all that time, including a failed IVF cycle and I did manage to conceive successfully (I'm in the lucky position of ttc #2 just now) not sure how or why, but it happened and I'm eternally grateful.

I'm at the very early tentative stage of another conception (she says whispering in case I jinx myself) as I got a BFP on wednesday (tested 4 days after period was due) No AF so far, but this is the 4th BFP I've had in my life and teh last 2 didn't work out so well, so trying not to get excited, but at the same time trying not to be all doom and gloom, as its crap enough when you suffer a loss. without imagining it all the time. But realistically, I'm 40 now and most of my eggs will be crap, so it's just a case of seeing if I've managed to pull out a good one or not.

Sorry if this seems insensitive, it's really not meant to be, I know I love it when other ttc-ers get a BFP as it gives me hope, so that's what I was aiming for, but if I've upset anyone, I'm sorry.

Hugs to everyone.

eleth congrats!! sorry congratulations fingers crossed the bfp's continue

buzzy I know what you mean about talking to someone in person. I have not talked to anyone about what's going on with me and apart from some worried faced "are you ok" from MrC, it doesn't get mentioned.
When I went to see the Dr two weeks ago, I found myself fighting back the tears as I gave her the brief history. But I didn't let it out and have putting on a brave face to all.
Letting it out is healthy and nothing beats having someone that understands sit and listen to you. I'm glad she was able to give you some useful advice.

I had a reunion with some old work colleagues last night and found myself getting very depressed that everyone, including the office geek had kids (of varying ages) ... oh well smile and carry on.

critter at multiples. I'm sorry I know it comes with risks but even the possibility gets me so excited. My boss had twins through IVF after 8 years of ttc. The pictures of them in her office are a constant reminder to me that there is hope.

Artemis yay for spa day. Jealous here. I've never had one either.

eleth - oh my goodness, how exciting. Congratulations, hoping this is a very sticky one. Keep us up to date. You won't have upset anyone here. It does give us all hope when BFP's come along. Big happy hugs. xxxx

buzzy - sometimes people are sent like angels to be there just when you need them. I'm so glad you got to talk to a RL person.

Artetmis - ooo I love a good spa day, you will have a great time! The alcohol and caffine free living is very impressive. I'm sure you will be feeling full of life and vitality in no time. Well done you!!

Coco - it's so hard when everyone else is sprogging. But the office geek is still the office geek where as you still have every chance of becoming a mum. You are a brave lady, please feel free to do virtual sobbing and foot stamping anytime here.

Welcome back Euro - it sounds like your work trip has been a positive experience in more ways than one.

Teu, Lemon and Joyce, Frannie - thanks for the handholding and cake. These are tough times we live in aren't they. Thank you for being so kind to me.

Pout - ooo it's great to have you back (even if that's just breifley). Gosh, I bet it is difficult to not attempt TTC when your body is giving the signals. Must feel so odd. Thank you for that info about gluten and the soya stuff. Always helps to know about these things.

Critter - you say such lovely things to me - thank you. Gosh multiples - my gut feeling would be yes give me multiples - what do you feel abou it? Things are looking very promising for you!

Well, I'm ok ladies. I think this being a natural cycle makes stuff easier to cope with as no drugs to interfere with hormones and emotions - in that respect it's like a normal cycle but I happen to know there was a blasto in there at one point.

Mum and dad were here yesterday and they were great. My mum is really sure that I am having bad luck and that its a matter of time. This means a great deal to me as she isn't a heart over head person so I know she isn't just saying that to make me feel better. I am formulating plans for the consultant along the lines of

1. was this just another 'bad luck' go ie embryo couldn't make it
2. could the difficult transfer have decreased chances
3. could I be a candidate for steroid / immune treatment - Joycep, I have read now that sore throats etc just after transfer / implantation can be a sign of over active immune system. This confused me too. . I guess immune systems can work in an over and under active way. Need to find out more.
4. could I have antibiotics next time (as evidence this helps ladies with hydro). Not sure I will get far with this one as asked last time and was told NO!

I would prefer to go ahead with another FET Natural cycle asap. If pushed, I would be open to having a laparoscopy to check out tubes etc more. I would be open to the idea of 2 embryos transfered and to immune testing and meds, if Dr agrees. I don't feel ready for tubal removal, nor do I think this is the main issue on account of clear tubes on scans. I don't think I would forgive myself if I removed my tubes and chances of natural conception as neither tube is totally blocked.

I have been offered an interview. Feel a bit 'bleaurgh' about it. I guess I will accept and go for the interview. I owe it to the bit of me that isn't all about TTC. But I feel like I am ducking and diving between impressing new employers and plotting my next TTC move. I guess this is the right thing to do.

If I get chance to do another FET, I'm not taking 2 weeks off work. My reflexologist won't like it but how long can I practically keep taking chunks away from work (even though protected by pregnancy status). I'm worried about my work record already if I go for this job. So next time I am going to have 48 hours off bed rest and use annual leave or lieu time and thats it.

I think I am coming around to the idea that I am in this for the long haul. Even more of a long haul than what I originally thought. And that my sister and countless others are likely to have kids before me. But that's ok. I would never wish my sister not to be happy. I would hate for her to go through this. But I do beleive I will get a baby. Thank you for helping to keep that belief.

I am going to try and do some actual work today as I have a big project I intend to finish before returning to work next week. I really ought to as it will help my career. Now where did I put down my motivation.

Morning lovelies!

I am also incredibly impressed with you sarlat for doing and planning and being your positive self. I am thinking of you!

So sorry about the break-down with the patient's daughter buzzy even though it is good to talk it over sometimes. I like talking in RL, but here I can really write what I feel without worrying about hurting the feelings of those around me.

The one thing I found really odd to notice is that the grief I feel now is totally acceptable and quite understandable to those around me. And even though this pain is more stabby and acute, the pain of waiting and hoping, the pain of infertility is worse, for me. The odd thing is that people can relate and empathise now, but had much more difficulty understanding the pain of infertility.

So I want to give you lovely ladies going through that often un-understood pain now, a massive big hug. If we get through this, with or without babies in the end, we are strong people and deserve lots of good things. So there.

Speaking of good things

Oh and pout I am sorry you are struggling with time off from TTC menkulling. I hope you'll feel better soon and manage to focus more on other things. I have to admit though, I was very glad to see you back here!!

A spa-day sounds good artemis. As part of my post-MC recovery, I have decided once again to be a bit nicer to myself. So I could easily try one of those (otherwise it will be all dinners out and getting pissed with friends). I am also booking a facial as well as a counseling session and going to the hair dressers.

Waves and hugs to you all - safe across the internet, in real life I am full of cold, so I wouldn't share in the same way!

Massive hugs to cross-post sarlat. It sounds like a very sensible set of questions. Wonderful your mum is so supportive. And I am happy to cross my right hand for settling embies and my left for work project and interview.

Your comments about the long haul really resonate. My DH has decided that TTC for us is also a long haul project, so he finds it relatively easy to psychologically fit the MC in the long-haul-waiting game that we're involved in. I find that harder, I can cope with the analogy for TTC but loosing the pregnancy for me was a bigger set-back. But I am happy he can rationalise it this way, it means only one of us goes to pieces and he can support me but if it helps you, which it may, it can be a really healthy mind-set!

Thanks Lemons - I will try to have this mind set but what I want to do I how I feel don't always match. . Thank you for telling us about your thoughts about peoples reactions to m/c compared with longterm ttc. I agree that M/c pain is acute and more of a shock but the pain of infertility can be more damaging in some ways - unless of course a lady has repeated miscarriage. Fertility problems are a very very heavy burden to carry indeed. It is unseen and people just don't want to acknowledge it's existance and damage potential.

I'm glad your DH has a coping strategy. What about you? Are you feeling better or are things still very raw? Are you coming to the meet up?

Joycep - aren't all of your ops and appointments and crazy times coming up? When does it start and what bit is happening first? Thinking of you.

Morning all

Oh Eleth how exciting... quiet whispered congratulations from me too, and I'm keeping everything crossed for a sticky bean. Don't feel anxious about the reaction here, any BFP on here is hard won and it does give us all hope. I think this is the only place I can genuinely be excited and happy to see a BFP

Sarlat you are amazing and an inspiration. Your list of questions seems absolutely sensible and if I were in your situation i'd also see tube removal as an absolute last resort. Taking away your chances of it ever happening naturally is a massive step to take - and bodies are amazing things. Your body may heal itself in future - and as you say, you are in this for the long haul. I don't mean to be patronising but you do have time on your side and many things in your favour still. You will get there . And well done for getting the interview. It's important to remind yourself you are more than ttc!

Lemon thank you for sharing your thoughts about the pain of MC compared with the ongoing pain of infertility. I agree with you - for me the MC was a horribly painful event but as an event it has faded, although it never goes away completely. I find the ongoing toil is far harder to cope with and affects every aspect of my life. Generally I think people find it easier to comprehend individual events. I wonder if it's also to do with how our society treats mental health in general. The impact of fertility problems are as much about mental as physical health and socially we are very bad at dealing with that. It's interesting.

Buzzy I'm glad you found someone in RL to talk to. I don't know anyone who has been through this (that I know of) and I am nervous of boring the few friends that do know with it. I'm looking forward to the meet - a rare chance to talk to people who really do understand :)