Emmsy's ladies - 4 years of weebling - still going strong!

[4everhopeful]

Here's to us ladies! Proud to be part of this - onwards and upwards..

Aww poor summer and poor you and your dh 4ever, I hope she feels better and you all get some sleep tonight. Have a hug from me and enjoy your ddads birthday with your dmum

Hello ladies, have a rare 5 minutes to do a quick post. I am going to apologise in advance as I know I'm bound to miss people out.

curly How's it going with DS and DD? We need to arrange a date to meet up soon. Maybe next month?

Welcome to blackrocked and sorry you have had to join us. Will shake pompoms from afar but rest assured these ladies are the best with advice, handholding and hairstrokes

4ever lots of extra hugs for you. Hope this month passes by quickly for you. 23rd September 2008 is the day that changed my life forever as that is when I miscarried. But then exactly a year and week later, I was blessed with Saara, so September has mixed blessings for me. 23rd Sept this year is also when I am taking part in a walk to raise money for a charity close to my heart. I hope people don't mind but I have emailed some of you about it.

cupcake and you other dieters, well done on your weight loss. I have far too much weight to lose , but need to find an exercise class I can go to after 8pm in the evenings, after DH comes home. Or I can dust off my 50 shred and get started on that again I only did it like 3 times

buddha Hope DS is feeling better now and that you managed to get some rest too.

blue sorry to hear about the bullying problems. Not sure if you remember but I had bullying problems at work when I was pregnant with S. Hope it gets sorted soon. BTW loving the pics of the boys on FB over the summer.

rumours Huge congrats on finishing your studies, clever lady. So sorry for missing DS2's birthday and sorry I haven't been around for you recently. Good to hear you have an appointment pretty soon.

mermaid and jools Always thinking about you both. Hope you're well out there.

moon Beautiful wedding photos. Hope you're feeling better and that it didnt develop into bronchitis. I've been off work the past few days with a cold and sore throat and it seems to be going around here.

Big frantic waves to barbie mls neeko lbm gracie monkey and anyone else I've missed.

Update from me. She is growing up way too fast She started nursery this week, in the school that DH used to go to. She has to wear a uniform, which is slightly too big for her, but still looks cute (let me know if any non-FB'ers would like to see a pic). Her year in preschool has really helped her, so even though this is a new setting and environment, she seems to have settled in well. She'll be there for 2 years, as she wont start reception until Sept 2014. She has also been potty-trained and is nearly almost dry at night. I'm still working on DH for us to start ttc soon, so watch this space

Be back soon

Sorry in advance for the me post, I need to come and ramble where I know no one will mind too much and where people understand.

Af arrived today. I knew she was on her way, but I still had that little glimmer of hope until she appeared. So that's the 6 months of clomid gone how stupid was I to think that I would get pregnant. My blood tests showed that it did work, but obviously it wasnt meant to be. Just to add insult to injury, we go on honeymoon in 28 days time - great, so af will rear her ugly head on the day we fly out, and for the whole week I will be bleeding, and no honeymoon baby will be conceived

We first decided to start trying for a baby in Feb 2008 on my birthday. Little did I know that 4 and a half years down the line we'd still be trying. How naive was I. I thought I'd come off the pill, try for a few months, get pregnant and have a baby - I never even contemplated miscarriages or complications along the way. I've seen so many people have babies in that time, I've been so sad for the majority of those years, I've tortured myself with the fact that I can't do what we were put on this earth for, that I can't give my dh a baby, that I can't control or change a thing about it. Its changed me as a person, I am so different to how I used to be, and everything now has an underlying sadness to it. Its very hard to think that this could have all been for nothing. And where do you draw the line? How long do you carry on being prodded and poked before you say enough is enough? If I was alone (which obviously is a silly thing to say as I wouldnt want a baby on my own) then I would go forever, whatever it takes. But its hard with dh, I know how hard it is for him watch me go through it all, and I know eventually that it would probably tear us apart. He always says to me that if it doesnt happen, then I am enough for him. But I have never said it back, as I dont think I can I mean I love him to bits, more than I ever thought I could love anyone, but its like we're just not complete until we have a baby, if that makes sense.

I just wish someone would give us a break. I must have been awful in a past life or something.

I ran out of words. Everything hurts too much now

Hello from an extremely crap poster [embarrassed]. I haven't a hope of catching up but I need to go back and read what's been going on cos I haven't even been lurking recently. Before I do I just need to post to moon

moon oh love - you most certainly haven't done anything awful in a previous life. Sometimes for reasons that we don't understand, life just doesn't work out as you planned. It took us 2.5yrs to get the DTs, nowhere near as long as you have been waiting but I know how I felt in that time, and it was much the same as you've just posted. I think I would have kept going for a long time, as hard as it was and we would have tried IVF if the clomid hadn't worked. The fact that the clomid was doing its stuff is good though, it does have an effect after you stop taking it. You might still get that honeymoon baby (always looking on the bright side) I wish so hard that you do xxx

Ah moon my lovely. My heart is just breaking for you. It's so wrong and unfair that you should have to go through this. You've been so patient and supportive to everyone else. I'm so hoping for a honeymoon baby for you.

Thinking of you lots.

Hi to Sabs and Louey and a get well hug to Summer.

moon I'm so sorry to hear that af arrived. I wish I had a magic wand to wave to make it all better for you. I don't have any good advice like the other ladies, but can offer a hug instead? And of course be hear to listen to you

louey I feel so that I forgot you. Hope you and the boys are well

sabs what a grown up girl Saara is!! At nursery and dry day and (almost) night! Really excited that you might be TTC again soon. Are you settled into your new place now? I must remember to sponsor you when I get a chance. And don't apologise, it has been flipping ages since I've posted

4ever {{{hugs}}}} for a bittersweet month for you. Poor Summer, hope she feels better soon and you have a better night. Well done for wees in the loo! We've been trying to get Luke to wee standing up (Isaac's been doing it for ages) but he can't do it!! I know once he's done it once, it will be second nature and I'll be cleaning even more wee off the seat

blue not liking the sound of the bullying Understand you can't talk about it but I hope it gets sorted soon, otherwise we'll come up to Scotland and kick some butt

rumours well done you! I was somewhat amused by the new course you've signed up for, just the sort of thing I would have done . Very belated happy birthday to DS2. I'm really sorry you have worries about him too, but glad you are going to be seen so soon. Do you think its just quirks or that he really is on the spectrum? I know we are scrutinising them so closely because of their older brothers. Oscar's on a trial (can't remember if I've said) looking at siblings of children with autism because I thought at the worst, we would know early on. At the moment I think its unlikely but he's still little.

LBM BB will always be your baby. But I know what you mean about not wanting them to grow up. Oscar is getting too big, too fast You have to name pencils??? God, I have so much to look forward to Are you glad that they are back at school? My two have settled back in ok apart from the fact that they are tired. But it makes bedtimes easy!

cupcake gorgeous pics of your boys. I've got a thumbsucker too, but I'm trying and failing to get him to stop before his big teeth come through. Argh. Bet you're glad the baby groups are back on and you can have a routine of sorts. Last week of the school holidays was really tough here! Well done on the weight loss too - cake resisting is hard.

buddha fabby weight loss lady! Well done E on the potty training. You have my sympathies on pooey pant cleaning. Bleurgh. Pom poms a-shaking for you.

barbie how are things? Is Dolly fluent in French yet - we know how clever she is Luke started French and Spanish at school this week, he will know more than me and DH by the end of term not difficult I can't believe Ralph Henry is old enough for solids! Time has just flown (although probably not for you)

monkey are you back at work? I'm sorry you got hit by AF too, we really need some luck on this thread.

Waves to gracie - hope you're doing ok

mls I'm guessing that you're finding 3 is full on (know how you feel). Hope things are ok

Big welcome to blackrocked - hope you get that sticky bean very soon. I found FF useful in tracking what was going on with my cycles - but then I am a control freak!

Going to post this before I lose it...

And now for my update.

In my defence for being the crappiest poster, I am now back at work and am struggling to find time to breathe...evenings tend to be taken up with making 4 lunches, dinner, sorting out book bags, dishwasher, washing etc etc. By the time that's done, its 10pm and nearly time to go to bed. But, work is ok. O has settled in with the childminder without any problems and the older two are back at school. We had a good summer, Isaac has improved a fair bit and is starting to play (read playfight) with Luke which has been lovely to see, apart from having to prevent it getting too over boisterous. They even sat down together at the weekend and played pop-up-pirate by themselves without any adult help. There is hope...

Oscar is just gorgeous and has just started to walk. His favourite thing in the world is chasing balls around. Give him a garden and a football and he's happy for hours. Heart stopping moment at the weekend when he fell down the stairs, courtesy of his older brother leaving the stairgate open and O following him up the stairs. I ran out too late to hear him fall down and found him screaming at the bottom. He was fine but it was scary.

I am now below my pre-preg weight and back in clothes that I was wearing when I got married. The last few lbs came off once I started running more. Just need to get rid of the flabby tummy now but I think that will take plastic surgery.

I'm sure there was loads more I was going to say, but its late and I've forgotten so it will have to wait until next time. I will try and post more often.

A late night lurk, a big wave to the returning Sabs &Louey..

Just had to post to dear Moon my heart absolutely breaks for you reading your post... Its just so unfair and hard to comprehend why the ones who want it the most, and are so deserving, have to suffer such a long heartbreaking and soul destroying journey to get there... I can honestly say I've felt every emotion and said every word you have just written, the changing of you as a person, the underlying sadness, unable to make eye contact with anyone for too long for fear of the deep sadness in my eyes and fake smile being too obvious, the wondering where you draw the line, but sweetheart, the fact you say you would go on trying forever, whatever it takes, is testament to your strength, and what kept me going, and eventually, although for me it was only 2yrs, that determination will pay off, just cos it absolutely bloody has too.. Sheer bloody mindedness and indignance that you won't let this bloody thing beat you, and you will get your dream whatever it takes.... I know sometimes you hit the wall and get to an even lower low, but you will find that strength deep inside to get back up, dust yourself down, and keep the faith and remain forever hopeful, yes, I'm speaking from my own experience (& stupid crazy enough to be embarking on the rollercoaster all over again) and we all have our own breaking points, but I know how much you want this, and really believe its half the battle... I'm saying a little prayer for you before I go to sleep tonight, which is right now! Just had to post as totally and utterly empathise... xxxxxxx

Oh Moon I completely understand how you feel, and I wish I could offer some words that would do you good but I can't. Nothing anyone says is going to change the fact that you are still trying after all this time I know other people have suggested different routes to being a mum before ie adoption. Would you and dh consider that or is it not an option? Please take a huge hug from me and a little prayer x

{{{{{ moon }}}}} I'm so sorry af turned up and you're feeling so down

blue been thinking of you xx

louey, I see things then I don't, so I don't like to say now what I think, because I'm really not sure. Roll on the 24th and get some more opinions.

Moon I would hold your hand if I could and it is certainly not linked to past lives, don't blame yourself as you are about to embark on a holiday, no matter what let go for a week and enjoy thoroughly.

Moon I would hold your hand if I could and it is certainly not linked to past lives, don't blame yourself as you are about to embark on a holiday, no matter what let go for a week and enjoy thoroughly.

Buddhabelly I do remember your name. I didn't think I would still be TTC, but here I am!

Rumours.....suggested you find a dry space away from living space, as yes I found it stinks too!

You girls are the best thank you. You've written some lovely words and they made me fill up again I really do appreciate all the support you've given me, it means such a lot to have my little online world where I can come and be who I need to be without putting on a brave face all the time. Sometimes knowing you're not alone is enough to make it just about alright. I am very determined and I am very stubborn and I wont give up without giving it the very best shot. But there has to a point where it has to stop, its so draining, it consumes my waking and sleeping thoughts, my whole world revolves around it, the what ifs, the whys, if I did something wrong, if I wasnt supposed to be a mum, and if I ever do become a mum, maybe I want it so much that it wont ever live up to my expectations, and then I question if I really do want this after all, my heads all muddled up.

Re. adopting - its something dh and I have discussed and seriously looked into. The plan is to wait until after the next hospital appointment in a couple of weeks, and after we've come back from our honeymoon then we'll decide what might be next. But I worry that I wouldnt be satisfied with an adopted child - of course I would love it as my very own, but I just know that deep down inside I would want my own flesh and blood and I worry that I'd end up resenting the child, I sound awful dont I.

Just popping in to mark a whole 5years today since my first ever miscarriage... My little honeymoon baby... Can't believe its been that long, or that I've lost another 5 babies since then...

Of course along the way, I got my gorgeous miracle girl, my absolute world, for whom I'm eternally grateful...

Also realised in my month of memories right now, that as well as the sad dates being evened out by conceiving Summer on my dads birthday 3yrs ago, its also the month I found you lovely ladies and this wonderful thread, stumbled across it while googling possible outcomes of my poor 3rd babies huge nuchal fold, undoubtedly my hardest loss of all at 13wks, 1 more wk and I'd of had to deliver, I even produced milk after the first erpc which was incredibly traumatic, and then needed a second erpc 6wks later due to 'retained product', remember the letters at the hospital that day classing me as 19wks pregnant, a truly devastating experience... Wow, that kind of poured out, but my point was thats when I discovered this thread, which just so happened to also be at the then 1yr anniversary of the first mc, god what a year that was

Still, I don't remember which of you said this first, but without the first losses, there would be no Summer, and although I wanted to kick anyone who dare suggested it at the time, they weren't meant to be, but Summer was, and is.... Thank god... X X X X X X X

Moonmrs we have also considered adoption, and had the same concerns about it. I think it must be a normal thought process, when you tried to have your own children first, and one to work through, and move on from when the working has been done x Thorough thinking is key to success in my book. Just think about that holiday for now....

4everhopeful your name says it all, summer sounds lovely xx

TTC is such a bumpy journey for so many of us, feels like an unspoken thing where I live with so many children that seem left to their own devices in need of TLC.

I was given three extra lots of clomid as was so ill last winter, so have taken the second lot in hope that something might happen this month. No luck last cycle. My FF charts have not shown ovulation even with the clomid though. Last month I used ovulation test, this month just ECM and temps. :( DH and I have given ourselves one more cycle, then stopping. May even get contraception at this point as my age could cause problems. I feel like one the old chickens about to be culled. Rotten. Slowly getting my head around it, but that in itself is driving me nuts.

moon there are just no words (but I'll attempt some anyway)
My heart just breaks reading your post, it's so bloody unfair. I hope I don't sound like I'm just spouting platitudes but some positives to focus on- you are still so young my lovely, so time is on your side, and there are still many options open to you. Will you discuss a higher dose of clomid with your consultant, or IUI as the next step?
Re adoption, a good friend of my sister's just recently adopted a 12 week old baby after years of ttc, and they are absolutely BESOTTED with her...heck, my sister's friend even took pills to produce milk so she could breastfeed her (not sure if that worked out or not!) I know it's a very real worry that you might feel resentful/always wanting your own baby but I'm sure if you and dh eventually came to that decision that child would just totally fulfill your need to be a mummy.
Of course you never thought of any of this when you decided to start trying, none of us did. But this pain will shape you and your dh. I remember monkey's analogy of the tapestry looking a complete mess on the back but beautiful on the front. You will see the front one day.

Huge hugs to you too 4ever, this is certainly a bittersweet month.

blackrocked hope you're ok..pompoms a-waving for you that te clomid will work its magic.

louey and sabs lovely to see you both back.. louey sounds like your boys are thriving, lush that Oscar is walking now!
sabs I can't believe how grown up S sounds...hard to believe she and my ds1 will be in the same school year! I always think of her and the other 2009 babies as so much older than him! Good luck with the walk.

Well ladies, only 1.75lbs off today..I was hoping for more as it's been SUCH a hard week of having to resist cakes and biscuits at countless playgroups/book groups/church stuff...but never mind, at least it puts me just under 12st which is a good milestone :)
Happy weekend all!

moon Life just seems bloody unfair at times doesn't it. There's a couple I work with and all she has wanted , as long as I have know here is a baby. They got married about 4 years ago and were trying before the wedding and getting pregnant isn't the problem but she just can't keep hold of one.
Like you, it is desperatly unfair - they have tried IVF but no success and last time we spoke were thinking about adoption.

They would make such good parents and I hope they do go for adoption as there are so many deserving babies and children out there who deserve the love they could give.

Life can be wonderful - like your wedding and it can also be crap, like now.
Have a wonderful honeymoon - enjoy the time with your DH and leave the baby talk untill you get back xxx

Feeling quite today has passed without its meaning being of any particular significance to anyone, but of course why should it?

They were still my babies, my little lives and hopes and dreams that lived inside me for over 2months, my 3rd over 3months, almost feel like cos I've lost 6 babies now that it doesn't warrant a reaction any more, that Ive used up my quota of sympathy or understanding, when the truth is, I can't even begin to describe what a bloody awful heartbreaking and traumatic effect its had on my life.. Yes, thank god I now have Summer, when I spent so long full of fear and desperation I never would, but it doesn't take away what I've been through, and lost...

Sometimes I just want to be able to talk, and be talked to about it... To just acknowledge what a terrible thing it is to go through so many times.. For me, 5yrs felt quite a symbolic timeframe.. Its ignited a lot of memories, such as deeply upsetting ones of my third . Its horrible to feel like no one particularly cares...

Think the wounds are raw again for me as my last loss is so recent, it was only June after all. Just rakes up all the emotions of all my losses again... As I said, sometimes I just want to talk about it with people...

4ever we do care, whether we've been through it once or 5 times, we know the pain and heartache and the never forgetting. As for people in real life, well for them life moves on and unless they are particularly close friends or family then they wont remember, its not that they dont care, it just doesnt have the same meaning as it does to you.

Thank you for the posts today, at the risk of sounding like a stuck record, it means such a lot that you take the time to post to me about it, it gives me hope and you spur me on to keep the faith and keep trying for our dream.