TTC for 10+ months, part 9

[akuabadoll]

Ladies, number 9. The lucky one.

Fur babies of the meowing variety joy. I'm not sure about the hobbles sharing the bed .

Good luck tomorrow buzzy. Squeezing hands right back.

The tears are receding, the fear and panic not at all. I think, for the first time in my life, I don't know how to cope. In my head constantly is the soundtrack of Why me? What did I do wrong? Where did I make the wrong choice? Why didn't I know? By that I mean how did it escape me that just feeling young and being in denial wasn't enough. I ignored the entire percussion section faint banging that was my biological clock. For way too long, as it turns out. I honestly thought that fertility problems meant it might take 6 months to a year to conceive. Not this. I want a time machine. I want to go back. To know more. To choose again. I want to know why studying hard and securing a good job and a lovely home and an amazing relationship are punishable offences, but youth and poverty and hard partying are golden tickets. But mostly, I just want a baby.

Ok, perhaps the tears havent passed yet. Though this may be due to wine. And careless use of google. I know this doesn't mean the end for us; yet I can't shake the negativity.

Tomorrow, I want arse kicking. Tonight though, I'm going to wither a little more.

I'm sorry for so much outpouring. Perhaps I need a blog or something, heaven forbid. But I realise there is a lot I have buried that's pouring out right now, and that can only be good I guess? Much much love to everyone. X

Oh. Sorry for the pissed ramblings last night .

In others news, the phone rang in the middle of the night to say my SiL was in labour. MrN had to take a taxi in to look after his nephew (too much wine to drive...and we called them to check if anything was happening before we got stuck in!) and our niece was born a couple of hours later. Really happy for them, but also dreading going to see them. Hoping I can avoid the hospital at least. Probably means ILs will be staying with us though, just when MrN and I need time to sort our heads out. But, I am excited about it as she's a new member of our family and let's face it, might be the closest we get.

Right, better go and put my brave face on and see if I can go the whole day without tears .

buzzy.... Thinking of you today. Oh and of course euro how did you get on? Hopefully the doc agreed with your plan.

nelly that is what we are all here for and we understand how you feel so let it all out, you need all the support you can get at times like these,does your SIL know about you ttc, can you wait till they are home to see the baby
well I have just met jon the wanking manager, he's not bad looking, mr b is doing the deed right now, I got some lovely flowers this morning from MILs friend, feeling a little emotional but quite excited too,

Oh buzzy LOL at the wanking manager being not bad looking! Huge vibes for success for you. Positive affirmations remember .

No she doesn't know. I'm just preparing for lots of "it'll be you here next" and it'll be fine.

Go buzzy! For all of the indignities we must endure, I'm glad to be saved from wanking on demand. I'm excited on your behalf.

nelly your post was very moving and resonated deeply. A visit to new baby has arrived at a most challenging time, I'll be thinking of you. Whilst there, give your pelvic floor a little pain free squeeze just because you can thinking of you.

Haha rabbit I will indeed

I can't post properly now but wanted to check in with thoughts for you Nelly hang in there, hopes that euro's drs visit yesterday went ok and also luck to buzzy - love that you are posting during the wank.

nelly how are you now?? Hope the IL's are behaving, can you go and spend time hobbling away from them????

rabbit at 'because you can'

well Mr B didn't take too long and we sat there for ages well 50 mins, anyway Mr S popped into the office and came and wished us good luck, I cannot recommend the man enough, he really has an amazing bedside manner. Jon the WM is very nice too and quite softly spoken, I wondered what he tells new girlfriends his job is :) spaff inspector perhaps, I think I have a lazy vagina as those metal clamp things are always a pain to put in and never seem secure, that was the only sore bit, while the nurse stood behind the doctor moving some light about. It was all over in a flash and I have kept the plastic booties as a souvenir. Mr B was lovely and we even dared to talk about the future too, they said his sperm was a bit better (motility up from 19% to 50% in 8 days but morphology around 8%) so don't feel a great rush for us to go into icsi but go and talk to them about our next step, although Mr Gaffer did say icsi has a better success rate, anyway i'm now taking it easybeing a lazy cow hope everyone is enjoying the sun :)

Oh buzzy well done. Fingers crossed the swimmers meet target!! . Haha at Jon explaining his job! That could be entertaining .

So circumstances meant I couldn't avoid hospital. I had a minor meltdown on the way in. MrN noticed and whisked me out of sight. But I composed myself and did what was expected. I sat with her in my arms for about 15 mins and wondered if they'd mind if I took her home with me. She's lovely. But this was very very hard.

nelly well done and big hugs, next year it will be you holding your own baby :)

Wouldn't that be nice! We all will .We can share stories of how low we felt this week and look how it's all turned out. Hey maybe if science can't get me pregnant, wishful thinking might .

I'll share a thought that actually crossed my mind yesterday. It might make you laugh. Or perhaps throw up a bit. I am mulling over how I feel about donor eggs. I wished I had a younger sister. So the freakiest thought popped into my head. If SiL donated eggs and my brother donated sperm, the baby would be biologically related to us both. Genius. Except. Then I realised I'd effectively be carrying my brothers baby

I can see the thought process as it would be nice to have a baby that you are somehow related to. Do you need donor eggs/sperm, sorry when is your IVF its soon isn't it, I never considered donor sperm and I most certainly wouldn't use my BIL's

how long will the IL's stay for

Haha no it was just craziness talking! We don't need donor sperm but obv I couldn't use my SiLs eggs what with MrN being her brother and all . We don't know about donor eggs yet. Basically low AMH = low ovarian reserve and I'm anticipating being told not to expect much from IVF. That said, we will go ahead as there is enough anecdotal evidence of results being better than blood work implies. Unless the doc refuses to, which he might if he thinks it'll bugger his stats . But the only thing I've got to lose is cash. I'm looking into ways to boost quality. Basic plan is IVF in September time, but generally to make lifestyle changes/accu/woo and we've agreed on a shagfest over my next ovulations too. But in the few months to wedding etc, work on improving egg and sperm quality to maximise chances. If still not Preg after IVF or naturally, in new year will either do IVF again or try natural IVF. Will also see how I respond before considering donor eggs. So basically there are options I guess. And also going to ask about IUI as an alternative/ additional.

ILs luckily not actually staying with us tonight so just have a brief visit tomorrow to prepare for. Phew.

thats good about the IL's, a friend from another site was telling me she has chatted to a woman who had been trying for 18yrs !!! And was told she had a 2% chance of it happening anyway she has just announced her BFP, so miracles do happen, I'm not sure if all the things I give Mr B have made the difference to his sperm or not, I hope so as its not cheap each month

Muddy omg thats awful timing, cant believe you went to the hospital. Well done you for forming a plan so quickly - having a plan helps so much.

Waves everyone else.

Buzzy well done on today, job done as they say, you can relax for rest of weekend now

care how are you :)

Not too bad, not as bad as the first ivf fail, think my expectations were lower. No regrets of doing it. Just mulling things over. Feel like taking a break from medications, and just going to work towards feeling really healthy and well again. Not sure after that yet.

sounds like a good plan, you need to look after yourself

Wow, you ladies have been busy on here. I've had a busy couple of days - gynae, then friend's 50th(!) on Friday, shooting and then packing for a work trip yesterday. I have a couple of hours to chill out now and then I am off for a while. Hopefully I will have some bored time in hotel rooms time for MNing while I am gone!

mrsm thanks for your reassurance. The odd thing is that I think I would probably be fine with the lletz as I usually heal well, but I just object to their readiness to chop and slice. I have only ever had two abnormal smears - taken two weeks apart in June and both within a month of finishing 6 months of steroids specifically to supress my immune system.

My appointment yesterday was fine. He fairly strongly recommended lletz there and then but accepted that I wasn't doing anything risky by seeing if it clears up by itself. I was quite surprised how strongly he pushed it given the statistics show that a mild abnormality has a teeny tiny chance of turning into cancer. Anyway, I suggested that he do the colposcopy (last time he couldn't see the area where abnormalities usually reside because the IVF drugs had made it disappear) and if he saw anything he felt the need to biopsy he could, and if he saw anything that concerned him and he felt went beyond a mild abnormality, we could revisit the question of lletz. So he repeated the colposcopy and... the area where abnormalities usually reside was still hiding! He said it could be an after effect of the drugs but that some women are just like that. But all of the area he could see looked perfectly healthy (again) so after that, he was quite happy for me to leave it for 3 months. So I am quite happy with how it went. I got the outcome I wanted. But I am a bit unsettled by how strongly he was pushing treatment. He is an oncologist, so I am wondering if he is a bit like my paediatrician friend who is massively anti homebirth because she only ever sees the results of ones that go wrong with the babies being bluelighted in, and he sees the people who have cervical cancer and all the effects that it has and so wants to be massively conservative about treatment. Anyway, I will now see him again in Feb, and have my work medical (with smear) next month and my NHS smear in December, so I can keep a close eye on it every 3 months.

One good thing was that I had a positive OPK before I went so I knew I was about to ov. Since August last year, I havent' had any obvious EWCM. I used to get loads of it. On the screen, it was quite obvious that there was loads of EWCM right in my cervix. So it looks like I am still producing it (although perhaps not in the quantities that i used to) but it is hiding.

mrsm I've stuck to paracetemol in the 2ww. It's probably overcautious (it certainly was with hindsight as I wasn't bloody pregnant!) but I think certain cold and flu drugs can have quite nasty effects if taken during pregnancy.

gin HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Nelly your "pissed ramblings" echoed my thoughts. I wish we could have started earlier. Maybe things would have been different. Meh. But as others on here have said, plenty of people with low AMH readings go on to have natural or IVF pregnancies. There are loads of success stories out there. What timing for the birth of your niece! At least any tears can be easily disguised as tears of joy on such occasions. I'm glad you survived the visit.

Unlurking.
euro good news on the OPK and EWCM. Glad the appointment went ok. Like you say, they see so much on the bad end they get conservative.
Hugs to everyone who's having a tough time.
buzzy FX for a good result.
nelly a plan is good. And fur baby cuddles.
Welcome to the unlurked newbies.
joyce et al wondering, thrush likes an alkaline environment which is why it tends to disappear with your period - more acidic.
(We've already heard my interesting history on this one.)
Not much to add from this end. 2wlimbo. Dear Mother Nature, Can we just get on with it? We both know it's not this month either so can we just hurry things up so we get another chance? Even if it is a great big fat one. Yours sincerely.

TW, I like your missive to Mother Nature.

I'd add a PS to mine: PS Hurry. The. Fuck. Up. With. The. Diffage. Bored now.

Sounds good about your appointment euro in as much as you got what you wanted. It is sobering to think about doctors motives, if you can call them that. As I was googling this week I came across a blog written by a fertility specialist who was regaling a story about trying to find a plastic surgeon after an accident. And how he got 3 hugely different approaches from the 3 very qualified people he saw. ( can't actually recall what the relevance to fertility was mind you!). However it just shows how you need to take ownership and educate yourself; albeit it's not ideal, especially when urgent decisions need to be made.

Hi teu was just wondering where and how you were. I've come to the conclusion she's actually the Wicked StepMother Nature. Isn't Mother Nature Marvellous? Eh, no.

care big hugs to you. I've heard that sometimes fertility can be increased after an IVF cycle so certainly worth some natural goes; although apologies as in my self obsessed world I can't remember your specific issues, if they've been identified?

Hope everyone else is doing ok. I'm slowly levelling off although at a pretty low baseline. But I'm beginning to feel more proactive. Had salmon for tea last night (fish oils), took my vits and aspirin, increasing water intake, had decaf coffee this morning. And even, heaven forbid, went for a run last night and today. I've been reading about increasing blood flow being important for egg quality so I'll try anything, and I remembered my sister was getting into running when she got her surprise BFP. Admittedly I did have a glass of wine, but it was just to finish the bottle. No more until post ovulation now.

Happy Sunday everyone. Thanks again for all your support. I'm not out of the Tent of Doom yet but hoping at least not to be quite so demanding of you all - at least not until my next appointment .

Ok have spoken to consultant, he's not a bundle of positivity . However preparing for and then having the conversation has given me some strength. I was expecting him to say odds aren't great, which he did. He reckoned all in my chances were 5-10% but if we get embryos they are about 25%. I didn't argue with him about what the AMH really told us, but he is at least willing to go ahead. We've broadly discussed a sort of mild IVF approach, though will chat more when I next see him face to face.

Just spent a fortune in the supermarket on fertility superfoods. Well not really, but I read they might help - steak, salmon, broccoli, berries etc. And grapefruit juice. And pregnacare. And tampax . Had a minor cry earlier and MrN was great, can't quite shake this off but trying to focus on positive steps, and the plan.

Hope everyone else has had a nice Sunday .