TTC for 10+ months, part 9

[akuabadoll]

Ladies, number 9. The lucky one.

X post Buzzy isn't it too early to test? I would hold off until later in the week. If you had your IUI last Sunday, it may not have implanted yet and therefore no HCG to test for? I've still got my fingers crossed xxx

buzzy I am thinking of you and keeping everything crossed that it is your time. When can you test?

princess Buggeration at TTC meltdowns. Mine are scarily frequent these days too. I just think you reach a point where you just can't take anymore. Good luck with your therapy session. BTW a cold/bug at 7DPO is not a bad thing at all.....distracting your immune system and all that. I've got earache and am secretly hoping that it will turn into a full blown infection right after ovulation

Coco Hello and welcome. I am so sorry that you had such an awful time.

nelly Your woo lady sounds kind. I don't know about you but I get the right hump when people assume that I will be a mum. My mum says it all the time and I want to strangle her.
Have you called the other clinic yet?

critter and rabbits the Clomid and headache thing is weird. Like you Rabbits I couldn't take the pill because it made my migraines so much worse so I was dreading Clomid. The weird thing is I have had less migraines on it
critter visual disturbances aren't good, yikes! Boo at small baths. Ours isn't quite full length (owing to having the weirdest proportioned bathroom in the world). You lay with your knees bent up under the taps with the shower dripping cold water on your head...it's so relaxing!
I know what you mean about wanting to find something to focus on.

rabbits Kudos for tackling wood chip. I'm stripping the paint off our kitchen tiles. Wow, that is one job I wish I hadn't started.

care I totally can relate to the "this can't be happening to us" thing. I am in disbelief about it on the whole, like I am in some parallel universe.

sarlat I love the way you explain things it is such a comfort. Your theory about different graded eggs and levels of progesterone really gave me a boost.
Not wishing to fuel the mentalling because we have all been there with the "surefire signs" and had ours hopes cruelly dashed but I have read that electrical pulses in the womb is a good sign. FX for you

gin Thank you for the offer of borrowing your CBFM, that is so kind. I have been mulling it over and realise that I am clutching at straws with it really. I know that we shag at the right time and we get on perfectly well with the cheapy sticks...now I have mastered them! So thank you but I will stick with what we are doing BTW why did you stop using it if you don't mind me asking?
Three couples with IVF - wow. Mind you I saw on the news today that Shelter have done a survey that says that 24% of couples living in London are delaying parenthood because of property prices.
So glad that your furry baby is okay.

Sorry about evil and painful period. It really adds insult to injury.

mrsmellow I had a lap in May and would say that you do need some time off. For instance I thought that I felt better and three days after did the hoovering. That was a bad idea and pulled the stitches and made them bleed. You also feel quite tired because of the GA.

MrP read out a headline thing off his phone and said that research has shown that GPs are not sympathetic to infertility. Quelle surprise!

Ohh after waxing lyrical on here before about how infertility is handled on TV and how barrens are depicted as mad as a box of frogs I had a Mad May dream last night. I dream't that I stole a baby from a hospital and some other woman was there too who was arguing with me because she wanted it too I felt really odd when I woke up.

princess sorry you've had such a rough weekend. It sounds like you have a lot of things coming at you at once, with the move on top of all the other constant TTC stress. Having not had any mcs myself, I can't even imagine how hard and shit it would be to have had one, and then be thinking about your little ones and how old they'd be. I'm really sorry. The meditation app sounds really good, and like a great thing to do - I will look that up.

It's injectible FSH for me (gonatropins? sp?) if this round of clomid doesn't work. MrC turned pale when I told him that injectibles had a 20% chance of twins and a 5% chance of triplets! triplets would be rather wonderful

buzzy OCM is oil cleansing method, they rave about it over on Style and Beauty, you mix castor oil with another oil like jojoba or avocado, then use it to take off your makeup with a hot wet flannel or muslin cloth. Sort of like the Eve Lom cleanser, if you've ever used that. Apparently it helps with spots, of which I have loads at the moment. Surely it is too early for you to test if AF isn't due until Sunday? Try to sit on your hands until then if you can, I know it must be incredibly stressful waiting. We are rooting for you.

care so sorry about the tears. I was reading back over some old threads (looking up clomid side effects) and found you in one from last year. I actually felt quite choked up to think that you were still here. I'm so sorry that it hasn't worked yet, and that you've had such a shit time of things, but as you say, you are still young at 34 and you will bring home your baby. Don't give up! Distraction methods are helpful though - that's why I keep doing all these jaunts at the weekends - anything to get away and think about something else.

mellow good luck with the lap. I haven't had one, but I know that many other ladies here have, and they will have lots of helpful advice on recovery, etc.

coco I think the main purpose of clomid is to make you ovulate if you aren't ovulating regularly (or at all, as in my case) and to try to fix a dodgy luteal phase. I would get a doctor's advice on whether it is right for you.

nelly have you set up an appointment with the other clinic yet? Do you know when you'd be able to get in to see them? I think it's good that you are trusting your gut on this, and looking for a second opinion. You have nothing to lose, and especially if your first dr makes you uneasy, it's worth exploring other options. The woo sounds good and your hypno lady sounds brilliant and like she is very experienced, which is great. It's wonderful that you have a plan of action going forward.

x-post pout ttc dreams are the worst, aren't they? I know it's just one's brain processing stuff, but they can be really unsettling. Good that you're getting fewer headaches on clomid - hormones are such weird things and seem to work in such unpredictable ways. I'm sorry that you've been having more meltdowns. This process is just exhausting. And commiserations on the small bathtub, the dripping cold tap just adds insult to injury!

Yes to those that asked, I'm going to see the other clinic on Tuesday after I get back. I'm happy about it, and although I might not get a different answer, that's ok, I just want to feel happier with my choice.

pout I know what you mean. But I think of it slightly differently. Although my mums always talked to me about kids it's been like this. Me: no I don't want kids, please stop talking about it. Her: shut up. Yes you do . So when I changed my mind I couldn't think of anything worse than sharing that. So thus far no-one has told me I'll be a mum. No one has talked about it all, other than my best friend once telling me she couldn't imagine me with a toddler. Thanks for that. And then the doctor essentially telling me I wouldn't. So I kind of liked the fact for once someone told me I would .

princess you're a strong lady and you'll get through this hiccup. Soon you will be in your new house, soaking in the tub without a care in the world . Big hugs in the meantime.

Ugh I got distracted and forgot everything else I wanted to say. But I have read my book (it's quite short) and there was something that really resonated. It talked about people giving up hope as a sort of defence mechanism. We all recognise that, right? Then it repeated the oft-used line about that worrying about things that may never happen being such a waste of energy. So far, so maybe. However, the enlightening bit was the pointing out the obvious, that if the worst came to pass, the human being is so strong, that we'd cope, we would deal with it, grieve, move forward. So in the meantime, wouldn't it be easier and more enjoyable to think positively instead? Very hippy certainly, but I've not enjoyed my lows of the last 2 weeks, and would much rather look to the future with optimism. I'm a long way off that certainly, but I am def going to keep up with the hypno for now. I've probably paraphrased very badly and you all think I'm going to join a cult. Well I might but only if I can take you all. And .

Ugh loads of phone errors. And I've not mentioned hardly anyone. So to continue the Me theme , I had a bit of pinky blood when I wiped earlier. 1DPO I think. ovulation bleeding, is it real?

Should probably do some work. And pack. And make myself a probably forbidden decaf latte.

Nelly I understand what the book is driving at but for me the problem is needing an end point before being able to grieve and move past it. TTC might not have an end point until I have the menopause....that could be ten more years of hell. That is the thought that totally does my head in. I want it to end. I want to grieve but there is no end point in sight. I know that I am a strong person and ultimately would be able to deal with childlessness but I need to be told emphatically that it is game over to start that process. Ironically it is the hope element and the blindly willing each cycle to be "the one" that is killing me, so in a way hope is the problem. God it is confusing

at joining a cult of positivity

I've never had an ovulation bleed. It can't be a bad thing!

I could be up for joining a cult. Brainwashing sounds quite appealing. Ponders if too old for that sea org. I think Nelly that there is something about there's an element of choice about whether to think positive or negative thoughts. Its very tiring though to keep switching over. I find I latch onto something I think will work which fills me with hope and therefore positivity. Then when it hasn't I fall even further. But please keep sharing Nelly we could do with the encouragement.

Oh and afm last week was full of ewcm, am now few days past ov and feeling light crampy feelings. This month is going to hurt I think.

And Critter thats sweet of you. I actually did the same not long back was looking for something and saw some of my old posts. My heart bleeds for myself when I look back.

Am competing with Nelly for who can do most cluster posts. Cant even blame drink, just work boredom.

care we are all hear to hold your hand, whether the cramping is good or bad. Sounds like your cycle has returned to normal quickly though which is good.

pout I wouldn't disagree. My issue is I just know I won't draw that line, not while it looks like I'm still popping out eggs. I know I was much happier when I was still assuming this month might be it, vs post AMH funk. I can't go through the next x-years being that down; and I know I can't give up. So I better plaster on that smiley face and embrace the Woo . Everyone is different though, and you can remind me of this current zen-like state when my next ERTD arrives and I'm staring down the barrel of bankruptcy IVF.

More bloody typos. FFS. Ok in which case I'll share a funny story re my woo. Part of the relaxation mentioned applying techniques even when doing everyday things such as driving. No need for road rage and all that. So when I left after my appt, and pulled up to the end of her street, I looked left where I wanted to go, saw a huge queue of traffic, and out loud said "Jesus Fucking Wept", went in a huff and sped off in the other direction .

set up a corner in the marquee of doom/circus tent and decorates with homemade crafty bits well I didn't think work could be any shittier but actually it can. Managed not to cry while I was there, but feeling very doomy today

princess I like to make sure that the ovitrelle is out of the system, otherwise if I did get a positive test I would then be wondering if it was the drugs or real, I might look at that app, I just feel everything is spinning out of control again

critter I've used other oils that I looked up online, tea tree oil is good but I'm a huge an of Bio Oil, I put that on my body and on my face once a week. Lemon juice is a good exfoliant and honey a good mask.

pout AF is due Sunday if I get a 28 day cycle, then I need to start booking on for blood tests, I've been looking at IVF in Poland, it certainly is cheaper but then I have to think about getting there and staying sorry about the weird dreams

hi lovely ladies. i hope everyone had a good weekend.

pout - at your dream. I often have baby dreams. I'm sure I've stolen one in my dreams/nightmares as well.

princess - i am glad the move is going ok. Sorry you are fighting off something but I second what Pout says and hope it allows a bean to implant in the mean time. I think I need a bit more woo - so may look up Buddhify!

buzzy - which dpo are you now/? I'm really crossing fingers for you.

mellow - I have got my date for my laparoscpy/hysteo - you will have to let me know all about it as mine isn't until October. I am planning to take 2 days holiday for it and hoping that will cover it. I don't fancy informing the old codgers in my office why i'm having an op. Scared I would be first out the door if there were redundancies! I think with a lap I would prefer that they find nothing?I would be interested to see if anything shows with the hysteo as I would be intrigued to know why my periods have changed since my miscarriage.

coco - welcome and so sorry about your m/c. Poor you. I hope it's not long before you get your next bfp.

rabbit - absolutely loved your scale. I think my scale takes in to account a few other things before I either ball my eyes out for a week or cry for a few minutes and then move on. So how quick did it happen but what else is going on in their life - people who have lots of money, live in a lovely houses, drive a 4x4 will get semi-bad thoughts from MrsJoy. If they are nice people with it and as Care says matter of fact, then they go down the scale. People who get terribly over excited and leave messages on phones or send excited emails , will be ignored . I've thought far too hard about this.
Oh your theory on less is more = bfp is something I have often wondered about. Instead of going at it like rabbits, I did it every 2-3 days over ovulation period the month i got pregnant. I have had 2 months in 2 years where i'm pretty sure i conceived and both those months, i only had sex if i actually felt like it rather going at it every night. Also another theme I have noticed with all these months is, I had good sex where I enjoyed myself.

care - I'm really sorry about your sobbing sessions. Anniversaries are always a poignant reminder and are difficult to ignore. I could have written your post. I often have moments/days when I wonder how this has happened and how have I got to this stage. I'm two and half years in and don't even feel like I have started yet either. I don't feel like ivf is going to be the magic wand for me either and just have this deep rooted feeling that if it is going to happen for us, it will be a long time in the future. Like you said up thread, I don't feel like it is our time yet. Bizarre all things considered. You are definitely too young to think of stopping all together and besides you haven't had 3 or 4 fresh cycles of ivf yet?which is what they say we should try and do. You make embies and one nearly took off. They 've only just found your high nk cells and so in effect you have only done one proper cycle. All is certainly not lost. It's just a matter of time.
I was talking with mrJoy at the weekend about finding something else to do, to divert attention away from lack of kids and to give us other things to look forward to. I spotted some rather sexy road bikes in Halfords and thought that would be a good hobby. I love cycling so may be i will take it up a bit more seriously along with my tennis. Ironic that this should be the time when we should be trying to do all sorts of things before kids yet I have found myself moping around for the last two years.

nelly - I'm glad the appointment was so so. I don't understand the difference between LP and SP even though I think we discussed this a lot when we all met back in May. I'm glad you have been given a recommendation for a better clinic. It's really important to be happy with your doc and your current one sounds like a twat. I 'm glad your hypo woman was good as well. Do you feel calmer today as well?

critter - your weekend sounds lovely. I hop your next appointment sheds some more light.

Gin - i'm really sorry about ERTD and sorry about the pain. That sounds horrible. How strange that you have suddenly found out about all these people doing ivf. I must say, I wish I knew someone in RL doing it. Not because I want other people to suffer but as you say, so you feel less alone in all this.
And yes, I have read 50 Shades?the whole trilogy. Took me ages to get in to the first one but by the end of it, i was running to Sainsburys in the middle of the night to get the next instalment. It it so bad but incredibly addictive. I found myself looking at people on the tube and in the street and wondering whether they were like Christian Grey. He really got under my skin. At one point i had to bite my lip not to call MrJoy 'Christian' in the middle of sex?.

sarlat - goodness it is so soon until FET. It's good idea to focus your thoughts on that.

So i have had the day off today and went to see DrG. He has prescribed me the antib's for the hidden C infection. Dreading taking all of this as no doubt thrush will be back with a vengeance. I am going to get lots of stuff tested like karotyping, nk cells, sperm dan and gene mutation stuff. I knew he would have a few words to say on my AMH levels?.I've spent weeks coming to terms with it, I know what it means but I hate it how docs love to go a step further and rub in the doom. He was so blunt about it which I didn't appreciate. he then wanted to test my AMH again to see if it has fallen since 2 months ago bascially to see if I should go on the DHEA now but I said no. Thinking about it , I may start taking the DHEA anyway. I've heard good things about it [even if it is for people going through the menopause]. SIGH.

I got all my dates through the post today and I burst in to tears. My pre-op is when I'm in Spain so am having to come back early. My op is on my birthday - happy 33rd. And i got another date next month for an ultrasound for a lump which has grown to the size of a walnut in my leg. Seriously, I have had nothing but problems since turning 30. As pout said - i feel like i'm living in a parallel universe to all my friends.

It has taken me so long to type the above, I've missed several more posts.

nelly - that is so right. Worrying does waste energy and the trick is to want what you have and not want what you don't have. But like Pout said, I think we need closure before truly being able to move on.
Anyway joining a cult you say? I'll join! I feel like my ttc journey has taken me down paths I never imagined I would go down...making friends with people online, meeting people from online, acupuncture, trying meditation, mantra mats, sending menses to Greece....so I'm game for anything nowadays.

Hi all,

I feel really guilty as I really need to ask a question of you well informed fonts of ttc knowledge. I know I'm being totally selfish as i'm not being supportive to you guys and then am asking a favour. I hope you understand that it's just because i am really burying my head about the baby thing whilst I concentrate on helping out the family and doing hospital runs etc when I can. Nephew has started treatment and is coping well (better than the rest of us!). He has a long way to go but your supportive messages have meant loads.

My PiL have offered to pay for me and MrF to go to SE Asia with them at Xmas. I think 10 days away by this point are going to be sorely needed. However, we are still IUI ing, at least for next 3 cycles. The chances of me being up the duff are slim (as you well know) but I'm worried about vaccines and TTC and how long the effects of vaccines last. Can I ask your opinions please? Sorry it's so one sided

Oh gosh, didn't read through any previous posts before typing this. So sorry joy about your holiday being cut short and the lump removal. It's just so not bloody fair. Feels like shit being piled on shit for many of us . I'm so sorry so many of us are in this tent of doom. We do have to keep hold of the thoughts of mini pie, kitty, lemons, lady gee, Fatima etc etc. As hard as this is, we will all get there.

Quick response to frannie. Don't feel guilty and glad to hear your nephew is coping. Make sure you get some me time if you can.

Can you not get your jabs now/around about your next period? I think malaria treatments are best avoided but if it's typhoid etc then they last a number of years?

Got work to finish before I go on hols do will reply to joy and others later

Hey Frannie I think we all understand, so don't worry about popping in from time to time! I'm glad your nephew is being so brave. It must be so hard Sadly, I can't answer your questions as the shortish 4 hour flight we are doing to an Island in the Sun later in the year is about as much as DH can stomach (plus he's still scarred / scared from DisneyWorld Florida last year) So I've never had to look at jabs personally to assess the risk. However, I used to use NHS info before dispatching film crews to far flung exotic destinations that I never got to go to grrr here is a link www.nhs.uk/Planners/vaccinations/Pages/Travelvaccines.aspx I also used to use the UK foreign office too as they provide info on every aspect of travel and we used to use this for risk assessments. I was touchy about MC and flying up until last year because I had my first MC two days after flying home to the IOM but then I had the second whilst in Brighton at home, so I don't think this holds any weight in my mind any more.

Nelly Thanks for being so nice. I feel quite broken in my doomy moments at the mo. I'm in for brain washing. Although, I actually think I signed up for positive brain washing earlier today. I think they will have to use strong detergent and bleach to get TTC stains off of my brain I second embracing the woo. I don't think I know what's going to hit me tomorrow. I really hope you get your pre-IVF ironic BFP. That would be lovely.

Pout I second your thoughts on end point. Oh and I feel your pain on the paint removal. Perhaps take a leaf out of my DH's book - when they are beautifully stripped by your lovely wife, take a power chisel and get rid because after all they aren't that great and it would have been better to put new ones in anyway. She won't mind that you wasted several of her precious weekends at all. Not one bit. This will never be brought up in arguements. Grrrrrrr. Good luck though. I did snigger a little bit about you stealing a baby, only because I imagined you in huge sun glasses, a mac, with a large blanket concealing said baby, using your french accent and sneaking 'round a corner to meet another 10 + TTCer saying it is me le pout...I told you zat we would get ze bebe someway or uzzeer

Critter I actually love the idea of twins. Fingers crossed for your next scan. Thanks for your kind words.

Joy at the comments about where this TTC journey has taken you. If you'd have told me a few years back that the future-30-year-old me had just downloaded an app called Buddhify and given up booze for 4 months I would have laughed so hard it would had split me in two Sorry about all your dates, having to cut your holiday short, the lump and the meet with Dr G and his blunt comments. It hardly seems fair does it. Your cycling plan sounds good. I'm soooo looking forward to moving into our house so that 'normal' life can resume. I will then start all of the hobbies I have been planning for the past few months.

Buzzy Ahhhh I see, that does make sense. Well I still have everything crossed and I'm hopeful too :)

Rabbit I forgot to mention that I like your scale. You can totally tell you are a teacher :) I think the two last week were an A and a B. Perhaps this explains the moping.

Now I need to go and make some food oh and email the London crew about the meet up too. Positive happy evening hippy waves to you all. and flower garlands for all of you :)

frannie don't worry at all! Sorry not to by able to help with the vaccinations - I would ask a doctor. Or you could ask at your IUI session? Hope your nephew gets better soon, poor mite.

princess I am so sorry to hear that you're feeling so blue. You're usually such a ray of sunshine on here and I can imagine that it must be hard to stay cheerful when you're going through so much crap. You will get there! And the world will look brighter when you aren't living out of boxes. Love the hippy positive vibes - and the image of le pout in a trench coat with baby tucked under arm.

nelly my mum always says 'don't meet trouble half-way' when I worry about things, which I try to remember, and which ties into the philosophy in your book. If you can think positive, I do think it helps. I still believe that all of us here will get our babies in the end - it's just going to take us longer to get there than it takes most people. I try to think that while I'm waiting for my baby, I might as well try to be as happy as I can be, as the feeling of being eaten up by misery from the inside isn't making my longed-for baby arrive any faster. But it is easier said than done!

joy do you have DHEA? If it's something that can only be got in the States, let me know! I'm sorry about the crap news and the birthday op. Happy F*king birthday indeed. That stinks. Can you arrange for something really lovely and cosseting the morning before, like a massage, to make up for it?

care that is exactly it, you seemed so hopeful in the thread I read and it was like a twist of a knife to know that you're still here, what a crap time you've had. You are going to get there, though, this is just a long and shitty process but I do believe 100% that you will get your baby. And it will be SO worth it when you do.

buzzy I've heard great things about honey masks - sticky, though! I love a bit of homemade beauty stuff, very Just 17. Sorry about the feeling of doom.

Ah Joy that's so crappy about the dates. Why do these things have to be so hard and get in the way so much. Hopefully it will be worth it in terms of getting you to the finishing line. Oh yes to the parallel universe. Parallel to all family, friends, colleagues and people in the street! Thanks for your reassuring comments. I love your comment about this should be our time to enjoy not having kids yet, I always forget that bit but so true. We got mountain bikes this year, great distraction. I've never sobbed while riding a bike in the fresh air!

Ah, Critter i hope you're right, surely we'll all get our babies eventually.

care sending you a lovely big hug. It made me feel to hear of you reading back old things, I purposely go out of my way to avoid old me posts, little did we know eh? But, one day, in a better place we can look back on this and it will be a very different experience.

nelly I bought the app! I can listen to it at work when feeling that some do gooder, caring about student person has slapped a massive poster outside my office that says 'if you think you might be pregnant...' another one for the Tales of Infertility I honestly Didn't Make Up. It's going to have to come down. The woman in it looks so pissed off with her two line stick. Humph.

buzzy the testing and work sounds stressful. Look after yourself.

joyce about your doctor. Easy for him to say, with his lack of ovaries. And sorry about your leg lump, just what you need. For you and mrsm I can run off my top lap tips again if you like? You'll hate me for saying this, but there was no way on earth I could have gone to work for about week after the lap. Well, maybe I could but it would have been horrid and I wouldn't have been able to do my work properly. It is sore, but mostly you've had a GA and it makes me indescribably tired, fuggy and scatterbrained. I managed a little email stuff from home and that was it. Maybe ring in and say you've got a tummy bug? I'm so sorry it's on your birthday add it to my book. You couldn't make this shit up could you?! But it will be fine, mine is just a blurry memory now.

princess sorry you are in the tent. Moving is stressful on its own, let alone with ttc. It's hard not to think about it all the time. Sometimes I might get an hour, if I'm really engrossed. It's funny to think we might all be bhudda apping at the same time. I do like my lists and categories that is how my brain works. Oh and my friend who tried for a year was fretting about no ewcm but got duffed. I have masses and no sniff of bfp. I wouldn't worry about it.

pout I'm with you on wanting to know when I get to draw a line. It's so hard when my womb and the sperm have been deemed perfectly serviceable. Quite often my af doom is about wanting the whole wretched thing to please please end and seeing no end in sight. Good work on the tiles!

Loves to everyone else. I'm tired. Being at work sucks. I hate the start of September!

Hi Ladies

Just a quick one really as I'm just about done packing and heading off to sunnier climes for a few days, I'm not sure how off the I will manage, but have hired a car and put me as the only named driver so that might help the resolve. But we are going to a wedding....

Just wanted to say I'm sorry I've not checked in with everyone, but so sorry to hear of so much sadness and lumps and painful periods and melancholy all round. And stupid pregnancy posters.

princess your post earlier (about the age your children would be now without the MCs) made me think of something I said to MrN on the way back from the IVF clinic. I said maybe this is all about proving to myself just how much I want this. If I'd got pregnant easily, I think I'd have been a bit freaked about it actually; now, I know I'll be so so so happy. And in the tough times - long dark nights of babies that won't sleep, when you can't find a way to stop them crying - I probably will accept it for what it is, just a phase; whereas if I'd got knocked up in the early days it might have made me question my decision to have children, and made me less of a parent because of it. I hope that's not insensitive in the context of your MC; I know nothing can make up for that loss. Not having experienced it, it's "easy" for me to say that. But now I'm ready, we all are, so c'mon finger, find us all again please.

Anyway on that note I must sleep. Think I'm going to get a whole 6 hours before we go on holiday, a record as I'm normally still packing at 2am! I am going to drift off listening to my Woo CD, so I'll be even more likely to drag you in to my cult tomorrow! Not sure what our internet will be like but I'll try to read at least. I am keeping my fingers crossed for some BFPs while I am away.

xxx

Joyce - really sorry about the leg lump and upcoming medical dates clashing with happy dates. You and I must be the same age within a few days of each other . But the antibiotics could be it for you though? I know it is soooo hard - you are going through a really tough point waiting for things to happen. I really feel for you. You deserve so much more. I DO BELIEVE YOU WILL GET YOUR BABY ONE DAY! There is no reason that it won't work out for you.

Frannie -feel free to pop on and off here as often as you like. I am so sorry thay your nephew has to go through this. He is lucky to have an aunt like you. One day, all of this crap will help you to become the best mum in the world. Sorry I can't offer advice about the jabs etc.

Care - you are such a superstar in your attitude overall and tears are more than ok. I think Joyce had some very wise words for you. I agree that you have only really had one true cycle now they know about you NKcell issues etc. Hold on, it can and will happen. Remember the good stuff - you make lovely embryos.

Nelly - have a very well deserved holiday. You speak wise words about being a mum in the future and accepting the shit times as well as the good times. I like that your woo lady calls you a mum!!

Really sorry for the general crappy emotions and tent of doom dwellings. Unfortunatly I think I am heading that way myself but fortunatly, I know you girls will pass me the wine and cupcakes - actually I'm really partial to a bit of coffee cake if anyone fanices baking me one??

I didn't mention this before as I didn't want to tempt fate, but since Friday I have had a very dry mouth along with a very distinctive bitter / metallic taste. It has been on and off but mostly there. I also had distinct and fairly painful period type cramps on Monday and yesterday which lasted a few hours each time. They were really similar to the cramps I had when I did get pregnant. I started to believe........but gof BFN this morning. Think I am about 12 dpo but can't be sure. I know it is still a little too early but had BFP at this stage last time so lost all confidence now. I know my fate. But this month I really really felt different. Having said all of that, I don't have sore boobs or fatigue which I had in bucketloads with my pregnancy. Fish slap me now!