TTC for 10+ months, part 9

[akuabadoll]

Ladies, number 9. The lucky one.

x-post joy. It wasn't anything I hadn't already read, it was just scientific sounding papers. Which is never good, they make everything sound so hopeless and inevitable. When what I want is happy defying-the-odds success stories.

Right - womb warming bath beckons for me.

(Is it just me, or does the word womb freak you out? To me uterus is something that is just there, an organ. But it's not a womb until there is a baby in it :( )

Cluster poster here.

Note to self. Do not have hot bath on day of leg waxing.

critter I meant to say the image of you trying to make the walrus canter about did make me chuckle. Thank you for that

I'm back to hogging MN. MrN seems to have reached his sympathy threshold. I'm sure he is wondering why I'm in such a crap mood still

Right, no more posts until someone else does!

Keeping you company nelly still haven't been able to properly catch up but didn't want you alone on here! I've just has another preg announcement. What's going on!? I have devised an announcement rating.
Category A. The I've been winded and am going to cry for at least 24 hours type. Usually people you have to see a lot, probably instadiffs, the ones that really sting.
Category B. still utterly dismaying. But a bit less bad and unlikely to cause tears, but perhaps a little grump.
Category C. Irksome but further away on the radar, generally likely to annoy by implication that yet another couple is more fertile than you.
Category D. The happy one! Well earned ones that give hope.

In the past 2 days I've had a B and a C. Balanced out quite a bit by lemons D.

Oh and category A that one you've been dreading the most. Always replaceable with the next in line of most dreaded, once the inevitable happens. I think my A is about to happen. Pah.

I hope not, rabbit. I think though you're being very generous with your categories. Mine are A* or D right now. Either they are you lot, or I hate them. This I realise isn't healthy.

Neither is this (tmi alert). Shagfest continues. But tonight for the first time ever I was actually wincing in the dark because I was concerned that (here comes the TMI) MrN was so busy trying to make me enjoy himself that I was stressing that his efforts were in fact causing harm. As in, putting those fingers, there, is probably ruining any healthy CM I've got. I was stressing about it instead of enjoying it. I hate this. In 2 years of TTC I've never once minded the sex part. I'm actually crying writing it as I realise it's insane, unhealthy and completely nuts. I really really hope my hypnotherapy can do something about this terrible circus tent of doom.

Sorry for the massive over share. I can't even blame wine.

*myself.

He wasn't trying to make me enjoy himself. Oh dear.

hello
no pregnancy announcements (love being overseas with irresponsible friends!)
will not go onto Facebook to ruin feeling!!
Rabbit love your rating, most of my friends fall between b and d... thank fuck!
I have officially had too much - luckily AF is here so i don't need to feel guilty about this time...
critter laughing to myself about walrus's control is not doing anything to make me more attractive to DH...
up early to go outdoorsying... .bugger...not enough sympathy to get me out of this one

rabbit I had an A* pregnancy last year. My best friend who met her husband long after I'd met mine, got married 3 years after me and started trying 6 months after me. Almost instant upduffage. At that point I didn't know about our issues, so it still felt like a race and we were in with a chance. When she told me about her BFP I thought my life was going to cave in. It's stupid when I think about it now because I've accepted that she has a baby now and for the most part I'm fine with it and it's not a big deal to me. It does make me sad though that we've drifted apart. I avoided her a lot while she was pregnant and to be honest I haven't made a huge effort since. When I do talk to her, it's awkward because her life revolves around the baby and I find we don't have much to talk about.

There is another A* one that I am dreading. SIL. She moved to a larger house in the spring and she's talked about starting although I don't know if she has yet. When it comes I don't know how I'll react. I've got my head around the idea than I'm the last in my family and the last of my group of friends but I still cling on to my baby being the first in DH's family. If she gets pregnant then that's gone.

Can we have a category for celeb pregnancies. Shouldn't bother me but they do. Have you read the thread about Imogen whatsherfaces pregnancy blog?

I just saw that the instant love op is upduffed. Quelle surprise.

Happy bank holiday weekend ladies! Thankfully fur baby seems much better, after her antibiotics, although I don't think we are totally out of the woods. Pllllleasssseeee can we have a baybee. This much worry and attention on a small fury animal isn't normal! princess loving the story about your dh's hobby with the fur babies. Made me chuckle a lot.

So sorry to hear about pregnancy announcements rabbit and princess and ertd joy. I was watching like an eagle the 2 sets of newlyweds we know last night in the pub and thankfully they were all drinking.

nellie you have not brought us down at all! You are having such a tough time at the mo and this Fred is here to help us all get through our bad times. I sometimes do the just need to get on with it during sech, during shag week. It's v normal I think when ttc for a long time. One particularly low point was the first post ivf shag, when I sobbed afterwards, as it really hurt. Nice. Big hugs and hope you feel a little better today. Oh and I think you need to send me some of mr n's sperms. Amazing numbers!

critter hope you are having a fab weekend. I love my party friends. And ride that walrus girl!

mrsd your DH sounds just like mine from your list! Mr gin never cries either, but when shitfaced on a stag do, he and his best friend apparently cried about us not being able to have kids! I too fear my sil getting preggers, or in fact either of my siblings. I just don't think I could cope.

rabbit love the scale for announcements. I guess the problem is knowing whether people really are a d, although most people I know must be an a or b.

pout at your reaction to princess' bath. I have a CBFM you can borrow if you want? There's feck all point me using it at the mo and think I'd only want it back if we do donor iui or I'm told to monitor my cycles. Or maybe when ivf bankruptcy has taken hold and I need to pawn everything. PM me if you want it.

mellow and princess yay for the s. I've been drinking far too much recently for someone planning to do ivf. Must cut down, but I do love wines.

joy that's great news about your test results and fab that your gp did them.

I think ertd is near, but feeling slightly cheerier. I think this is cos I met up with some friends the other night, who've adopted. Found out they did 3 ivf rounds and then decided to adopt. They said the process was ok and it's so lovely to see how much they love their daughter. We were with other friends so I couldn't find out too much detail and didn't say about our situation, although I think they may have guessed due to my questions! In the pub last night, I also found out that some other friends have had ivf-they now have a baby. I'm now desperate to talk to them about it, but we don't see them that often and it's difficult to bring it up randomly. I think something I struggle with is feeling like a freak amongst my friends and not knowing anyone in RL, who's had ivf.

Anyway, better get on. Hope everyone's enjoying le weekend and emerging from the marquee, or is it now a circus tent?!

Lazy Sunday morning in bed with some SWI thrown in for good measure . Though I've convinced myself that I'm not ovulating this month so a)panicking that the doc was right and b) wondering why we had all that pointless sex . Don't tell MrN I said that.

I'm feeling kind of stressed about my IVF appointment tomorrow but have both hypno and reflexology later in the day so that might help.

mrsd yes the loved up thread was inevitable. Though I'm thinking Troll .

Glad the fur baby is better gin.

Hope everyone else is having a nice weekend.

Me again. I do have plans to actually sit down and see what I missed at some point but having a v busy weekend. nelly I don't think I'm going to ov either this month but I'm still in hospital freedom euphoria. Can I lure you into the chill out tent for Sunday brunch?

gin hurray for better fur poppet. Mine is a total grumpy shit at the moment as he's having his huge annual moult which makes him utterly miserable.

Oh a cat b announcement yesterday. Neighbours who didn't want children, this was a surprise. Fucking hooray for them.

And going to visit SiL today. I may steal my niece. Either that or if she's crying, feel much better about my barren-ness. Wish me luck.

Massivce good luck for the IVF appointment tomorrow nelly. And I won't tell MrN! I have been avoiding all sex since the sludge producing celebratory shag last Tuesday to be honest I am too scared, even though I know it won't hurt anything in there

PS pleased I am a category D :)

Yay for better fur baby, gin!

Happy bank holiday vibes!

But sorry for all the doomy tent dwellings. We have really low morale at the moment. I guess it's inevitable that as time moves on and more of us have tests and learn scary things that we are all going to feel more and more insecure abou the future. BUT the good news is when you have had the shit news and time to digest it, the only way is up.....baby ....for you and me now, as per Yazz!

But seriously, it is heart breaking to see how many of us are feeling so down.

Rabbit - I like your catagories. I have a freind who will give birth in a few weeks. She will most definatly be a catagory A. This is beacuse.......are you ready for this ladies......her pregnancy is partly my fault! Yes you heard that correctly, I can make other people pregnant!!

Story is freind and her DH came over for dinner around new year. We were all drinking and chatting.......subject of babies came up. This person isn't someone who I wish to tell all my secrests to. I said we were putting it off for now as still upset by the miscarriage (even thought that was 18 months previous) and due to house / money issues etc -all lies . She said she may think about TTC 'at some point later this year'. I then said, "well be carefull not to put things off as you just don't know what the future will hold" Then 3 months later I hear the happy news. They must have set to it straight away! I feel embarressed in front of them but don't feel resentment towards them if that makes sense. But it bloody hurts!!!!!

Rabbit and Nelly - why don't you think you will ovulate this month? I wasn't aware that this was an issue for either of you, but I might not have realised if it was? But I know fear can make you think all sorts. Listen to your body, listen to your instincts. Even get OV stix if necissary. But if you think you haven't ovulated. your mind and body will not work to maximum capacity and you might miss an opportunity. The majority of time, unless there is a diagnosed ovary type issue, people DO ovulate.

Nelly - I think the hypno and reflexology straigh after the IVF apoointment is ideal. So no matter how you feel you can have sensible, logical conversation about it afterwards plus some amazing woo. I think the hypno is one of the best ideas I have heard in ages. You can't force things to happen but you may be able to improve the odds slightly and make yourself feel better in the process. And that is cause for celebration! Go Nelly Go!!

Gin - so glad your fur baby is on the mend. But sorry that your ERTD is approaching. Your words about feeling a freak in front of people in RL struck a chord with me. I definatly feel a level of shame and embarressment about our problems - I know this is very silly. Was it you Gin who needed to get blood tests done before moving to IVF again? If so, what is the latest, any progress?

Mellow- hooray for the , sorry for AF.

Well I slept for nearly 10 hours last night - best thing I did in ages. I recommend more sleep to help the crappy emotions. Had a weird dream last night that I had a baby boy - except I din't tell anyone about his birth until he was 6 weks old. But at the same time, I was cross that no one came to visit me.

Also the baby's name was Toby, short for Tobias. Not a name I am mad keen on but don't mind it either. Funnily enough, DH says this name is now growing on him and is sure that the dream is a sign! DH is very wacky / spiritual / emotional - which can be good in the sense that it gives me hope.

Then later in to the dream the baby morphed in to a baby girl . Then later again in the dream, I was making arrangements to leave the baby for overnight stays at the local nursery...... ! Weird.

2 days ago I had the faintest of faint electric shocks down the left side of my uterus. They were pulse like and lasted just a few seconds. Today I had the faintest of faint cervix shooring type pain and really mild bladder pressure, just for a few seconds. I am NOT writing this down to get all excited. I know my fate. ERTD will be along soon, I don't even really know what DPO I am. But just need to write this stuff down and then forget about it, I know it is my body playing tricks and normal cycle stuff, I should know better. I guess it tells me that the nagging hope never really goes away despite our chances of natural conception being very minimal.

My plan is to focus my thoughts for FET which will happen in about 3.5 weeks. I told my DH this morning, that this time I will be bringing my baby home to stay. These are such big statements and maybe I am a fool........and there is no proof it will work next time....but I have to keep trying to belive!! The battle aint over yet. Same for us all!!!!! We have to try and fulfill Pricess' preminitions of some Autumn BFP's. As a collective group of woman, the chances are we all end up with a baby at some point.

Joycep - wanted to say I am really plesed to hear that the level 1 tests were all good. I managed to get these tests done after my M/C - don't know how I managed it, nice GP I guess and I didn't even know what I was asking for....just "some blood tests please". But now you can be confident that those particular immune issues are not standing in your way and that in itself means things are going to start getting better for you now, little by little until you reach the top!!!

Sar I do/did think I was ovulating. But technically I've only been told that twice (day 21 test plus dildo-cam). A combination of less mittleschmerz pains than usual, no noticeable ewcm, and the doc (freudian iphone typo had that as dic!) telling me I was basically past it, have all shaken my conviction.

You sound so together. I am in awe. It's also so lovely to have a Pom-Pom bearing cheerleader when so many of us are in the tent. I will let you know how hypno goes tomorrow. For now the anger/frustration continues, but I'm taking it out on my house. Skirting boards getting dusted. Hey, surely the one upside of no kids is not having to live in a toy-strewn hovel. Perhaps I should attempt to seek this state of cleanliness .

Luffs to all (ps had a sort of premonition this morning that I was going to get my A* announcement soon. Hope it's wrong).

Hi Nelly - each cycle is unique and so is each egg. Some will be golden eggs and some bronze eggs - which impacts on the activity on the inside and the messages sent around your body. My 21 day test results have ranged from 31 to sky high.

I do think you are ovulating regularly but some months have different characteristics. Also, as you have recently adopted an extra special healthy diet / lifestyle / exercise regime / supplements etc, your body has already started to change a little and therefore your body is responding to this. It is amazing how quickly the body adapts. For example, in my non ttc years, if I found my periods painful, I knew all I had to do was to cut down on sugar, and alcohol etc and drink more water. Then the next month's period was always much easier. So maybe this is a good thing and your body is having a little readjustment after all the tlc you have given it. I think it was Euro who recently said that she was relived to see all the ewcm on the camera internally that she thought was never to re-appear. On a slightly more gross note, I sometimes wonder if my abundent ewcm is a bad thing as it appears to be coming away from the cervix rather than staying there to help the swimmers.

In any case, don't let the Dr's (Dic's ) grind you down. I am not their biggest fan at the moment. I can honestly say that about 50% of the things they have told me during my 2 and a bit year TTC journey have been wrong / incorrect. Honestly not just saying that. Take Care hon and good luck for tomoorows appointment. xx

Popping in, leaving very brown brownies near the entrance to the circus tent. Thinking of you all on this miserably wet weekend. Listen to sar, she has wise words aplenty/

Thank you sar, you are being more of a crutch than you can imagine right now. What you say makes so much sense. And lemon too, so lovely you are still staying near us to give us hope.

Turns out gutting the house doesn't make me feel better about TTC. But it does make me feel less of a slovenly lush, so I guess that's all good.

.

Finally a sit down. I've been decorating the box room most of the weekend in-between seeing family. Wood chip is evil. I am largely no longer seeing the room as a nursery bit it does pop in there from time to time. The colours are picked and the walls are nearly bare. Can't afford to have it plastered so will sand and fill every single teeny crack, lining paper it and paint it. It's going to take a while.

So, my preg announcement Cat B has been digested. But I dreamt last night the A* happened and woke up shouting! Oh very dear, it is so imminent. I don't think ov has happened this month, as I've had only a day of ewcm and I normally get 3-4, no clear positive stick and no temp rise and it's cd16. This is quite unusual for me, but not unheard of and I do still feel my cycles might have the potential to be a bit odd. But I've been away so didn't use sticks as often as usual. The female reproduction system is complicated. But, rather than sink into a woe about it, I have decided there isn't a fat lot I can do about it. The best I can do is eat healthily, exercise, keep shagging, get good sleeps and limit the booze. I can add acu and supplementy thingies too, but largely, this is quite out of my control. It has taken me since November 2010 to realise this and it feels quite liberating. I am a bit confused as to how I'm feeling spectacularly rational and calm, I had no pmt last month, no impending ov mood. Maybe this is how it feels to be a boy.

I think it is only natural that the collective mood on the thread will reflect the fact that a lot of us on here have been at this for rather a long time but sarlat you are so right in saying things can only get better! I've pretty much toughened up to the fact that I need medical help with this now. I've wibbled a bit about having these next few months off. But, in the grand scheme of things, I can't believe its going to have much impact and hopefully I can go into treatment mode ready and rested up.

nelly keep going lady, I feel so proud of you! I do think when you get faced with 'news' it makes you fret even more about all the other stuff. I think long term ttc arms you with so much knowledge about the menstrual cycle that we try to aim for perfection. In the interests of science, I've been asking friends about their periods (they haven't seemed to mind). Three of my close friends and my SIL pretty much had instadiffs. Between them they have the following:

V light periods
V heavy periods and pain
Spotting (3 out of 4 of them, both before and after)
Early ov (cd8) and late ov (cd19)

I'm lately of the opinion that it is a rare woman indeed who ovulates on the perfect day (and there is much much speculation about when this is) has the perfect luteal phase and clean start and stop period. So I'm going to try amd stop mentalling about it. But, I do hope the visit today was ok and that your appointment goes well tomorrow. I'm glad it's balanced out with soothing things.

mrsden I loved loved loved your list. Mr R shares many of those things. Luckily for me, he is a good talker and listener, usually though I instigate the chats. He has unlimited faith that we will get there, which is good, as I have variable amounts and usually none.

lemon so glad to see you here still, it's lovely and hope inducing. Can you get me a free pass into the gold tent? When is your scan? Still no symptoms?

Oh balls, I don't appear to be able to scroll up. Might just have to wave loves to all and jump back on from here. Oh and princess can you keep me in the pm loop? I'm not sure London might be a bit of a trek in the new term but I want to keep my options open

Yey I can type again, via a lovely new iPad, my phone really is rubbish to type on. Rabbit and Sar your thoughts are so soothing, I am totally appreciating your positivity and also the comments about things being out of our control. It's so easy to analyse every last thing as to why it might not be happening when there always seems to be stories of pgs happening for other people with that particular issue. Maybe things just are 'meant' and it hasn't been our time just yet so we've got to wait.
Nelly best of luck for tomorrow hope your clinic people are good, and that it is a positive meeting rather than a harrowing one. I think your woo accompaniments are a fab idea.
I think I've missed loads so waves to everyone else and will try to catch up.

Thanks for the good luck ladies. Currently debating with MrN whether we should have a shag before (residue) or after (risk of them using sperm-killing lube).

The glamour

Nelly hoping all goes well for you today. Thinking of you. Been reading all the posts but without the time to write. Guest guests and MN don't mix it seems. Hugs and positive thoughts for all. X

nellie really hope that your appointment goes well and that the consultant is helpful and positive, rather than a twat. And enjoy the much deserved woo afterwards.

Not long until the FET sar! I'm really excited on your behalf. Is it just a normal cycle, but they monitor it and pop the embie back at the right point? It would be so lovely if your dream was a premonition. I had to have my bloods tested for bleeding issues and they all came back fine. We have an appointment next weekend at the clinic and think we'll do another cycle at the end of October. The timing is mostly because of my work commitments, plus we wanted to enjoy our summer.

rabbit hope your decorating is going well? We did exactly the same in our spare room, with lining paper and there were some big arguments! Found it easier to leave mr gin to it on his own! You are so right about spotting etc and people having all different kinds of periods but still getting updiffed. When you've been ttc as long as we have, I think you do begin to question every tiny thing.

Hi doll! Hope the house guests are behaving.

Ertd has arrived with a vengeance! It's truly evil this time and super painful. I knew it was on its way though, so not too upset. Yesterday we found out from some friends that one of mr gin's best friends has just done an unsuccessful ivf cycle! He's moved abroad, which is why we didn't know (and they don't know about us), but I'm now trying to persuade mr g to get in touch, as I think they really could support each other. So in the space of 4 days, that's the 3rd couple we've found out about that have had ivf! Obviously I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but I def feel less freak like.

Has anyone else read 50 shades of Grey? I'm just getting into it... It's utter trashy filth, but an easy read

V quick, was nurse rather than doc. Apparently he's now insisting on long protocol. FFS. Anyway just about to go for hypno woo, and thanks to gin now has Christian Grey in my head

Read them all -crap but strangely compelling at the same time.