TTC for 10+ months, part 8

[eurochick]

A friendly, supportive thread for those taking a blooming long time to conceive!

I haven't seen this thread and I don't think I want to. Total love = baby? I would have a million babies by now if that was the case! I think a lot of that is in the head. I felt total love the 2 times I got pregnant because my body had the mega horn. I've also felt total love in many more occasions when I haven't got pregnant. Goes away muttering stupid people to herself

Euro good luck for your appointment tomorrow. You don't need it though!

MrsD and Rabbit anxiety is horrid. I've had panic attacks in the past. I went through a phase of them when I joined this thread. I think it was over the double bleeding and investigations and realisation that I'm not wired up for baby making properly. And that people around me were getting upduffed regardless of habits i.e 1 on the deserved baby scale. However, that seems to have subsided now that everyone seems to be a bit happier with my body. I haven't had an attack for a while. Let's see if we can get through the move ok!! Plus I'm geuinely non plussed about besties scan tomorrow. I'm actually pleased and proud let's see how long this feeling lasts for

Rabbit at your cupboard!

MrsD I hope your next set of tests are ok. Can someone else run the blood test or do you have to definitely wait for 4 weeks? As said up above, at least you will know and have absolute confidence. You can join the Autumn BFP harvest too :)

Well, I've bitten the bullet. I've phoned up the Sussex Stork. Literally. There is a lady in Sussex who does acupuncture and is called the baby whisperer or the Sussex stork she has a license to print money She's nearish my new house and recommend by the Brown Goddess. I said that when we moved house I would go and see her. It's my last reflexology tonight. I've not been getting on with the reflexologist recently, she's not giving it her full attention. I can tell. And she's being shitty about times that she can do appointments. V. Disappointed. I'm feeling brave re needles and the Stork makes a big case over the relaxed thing and how stress can reduce progesterone because of the adrenals blah de blah and how accu can help. Everyone tells me I'm a stressy person, despite having had all the stressy things removed from my life. I prefer Princessy or highly strung. So this is just another step to address the stress.... I expect not to get much from it but I guess it'll be worth a whirl and if I don't like it I don't have to go back. I'm game!

Lemon at lust. That's more like it!

Just a quick update to say thanks so much for all the advice. The embryologist was really helpful - the grading of the best two wasn't great so she was happy to put two back to increase chances. She reckons only 30% chance of one of them taking. Trying not to dwell on this too much (or be totally gutted she didn't say 'wow what amazing beautiful embryos you made')!! - what will be will be. Will have to catch up on the rest of you over next few days.

Have a nice break Care. Sorry you didn't get to hear any magic words. But 30% is still a great chance, it is! That's more than the 25% each month chance for a regular couple who we all know just sniff pants and get pregnant. You have 5% on them. Plus I don't believe stats anymore. I've got every faith in those little beans. Take care of yourself. Big hugs and lots of finger crossing xxxx

Good luck and fingers crossed for you care

joycep all you want is for your mum to validate your feelings and acknowledge what is going on in your life, you are not a failure

care* fingers crossed for you, now rest up, you'll only have 9 months left of quiet me time

bunny big hugs

mrsd sorry about the having to wait

euro hope things settle for you soon so you know where you are, at your dog story, hope all goes well tomorrow

well I've had more spotting :( today, i'm on CD23 and 11dpo i'm hoping I can get to CD26/26 with the progesterone, felt emotional today, had a bit of a cry with my supervisor, I did get to ride one of my patients mobility scooter they are so much fun

Good luck Care.
Buzzy chin up and hugs hope the spotting goes away.
Princess sounds like an idea.
Well been back to Gp today who read through all my file and suggested we try again with the gyne route. She didn't do an internal and referral today as I am CD 28 and no AF as soon as that's over I go back and she will do the honours. She can't however do my overdue smear. I thought in all this I would have had it done so I have to book to have that done as well.
I have also self referred to the works councellor and been and looked at pine bark. I didn't buy in the vain hope AF doesn't appear

Aw ladies. You are very kind in having such faith in me!

I am wondering now if tomorrow's appointment might be off. I said in my post first thing this morning that I was having ov twinges. And then early this afternoon I posted that I felt a bit pre-menstrual. Well, an hour or so ago I go the tiniest smidge of tinted CM. I never spot randomly. The tinted CM is usually the first drops of blood trickling as my period starts. I'm feeling slightly crampy, so I think AF might be about to arrive. In one way that would be good, as it is almost exactly a month after I came off the drugs (Sunday 1 July was my last jab) so it would mean they haven't fucked me up too badly - perhaps this will signal the start of a normal cycle. But it is odd that my body felt like it was still trying to ov this morning! And it will be a pain if I can't get to my appointment tomorrow - I just want that chapter over now.

care I will have everything crossed for you.

Very confusing euro, maybe it wasn't ov twinges but af twinges possibly?
I am having a mentaling moment. AF is well and truly due, had pain since Monday and just taken my first dose of more powerful painkillers as its increasing also other usual symptoms, random spot, busty, and trouser trumps yet I am now convinced it hasn't arrived because I am waiting for it and the more I wait the more it won't come. Sometimes this does happen then the moment I POAS I start. Last month being prime example

Evening all,

care As princess says, don't think too much about the stats- there is a good chance they will take. I wish I could take the 2ww away for you- look after yourself.

princess Interesting about the Stork. I have a year old article cut out from a mag about her in my non-Orla Kiely ttc file. I've thought about going to her several times but like joy's situation with that awful gynae I worry that if she can't get me updiffed then she might chastise me for being impregnable- bearing in mind I've never had a BFP. I also get scared that she might have photos of babies on her wall! But...if you don't mind being guinea pig again?...

rabbit So sorry that you've been feeling so low. Do you find that when you have school hols it makes it worse- more time to think? I too only work term time and go from working a 60-70 hour week to very few hours. My anxiety levels and obsessions increase 10 fold- it really upsets me that ttc can ruin my precious holidays! Your night terrors sound really traumatic too. Like princess, when I first starting posting I was in a really dark place and I was thinking some pretty destructive thoughts...but slowly the cloud did seem to lift and I now feel better about ttc than I have for the past 14 months. Maybe the amh test would be good, if it's playing on your subconscious. I'm sure that your menopause fears are totally unfounded and this will put your mind at rest.

euro maybe buzzy is right and they were AF twinges. An anovulatory cycle might make sense after the interrupted cycle? I can't find where you have written about your meeting, so not sure exactly what it's for...but GL anyway!

missm any sign of the kitty?

lemon glad the injectibles produced some good follies. I'm not iui ing until next cycle. I can't remember who asked but I'm not on clomid- they won't give it to me because I ovulate naturally. Felt like I had to pick my battle with the consultant, so went for metformin, next time I will ask for superov.

joy oh dear- you really did eat the hobnobs?! Sometimes it needs to be done! Sorry for tears with your mum but it sounds like she is starting to understand your situ a little more.

Sorry not to name check more- it always takes me so fecking long to write a post!!

Hi to Frannie - hope you get a good rest this summer holiday. Superov sounds like a good idea for next time.

Euro - great news about the early af sign. Although I know what you mean about timming. I would have thought your ovary twinges were ovulation attempts if they were a couple of weeks a go - but either way this cycle was never going to be a perfect one after all those drugs. But from now on things are going to get better for you. I really really think this.

Joy - it does sound like your mum is starting to understand. But I'm so sorry that your conversation with her upset you. I have said this before but I am so lucky to have a mum who will obsess over this as much as me. But maybe this is going to be the start of your mum trying to give you some support. Could you give her an article to read about unexplained fertility or something?

Care - right! Nothing from here on but positivity, positivity, positivity. Why shouldn't this cycle happen for you? It happens for every other fecker it seems. You are my guinnie pig because in my next FET 2WW I intend to be full of the joys of spring. Like someone said upthread, if this was early days natural ttc and you knew you had a 30% chance of conception, you would be like "hell yeah, I'm so going to get pregnant". So why not you and why not now? What have you got planned for the next few days? - hopefully lovely and relaxing things?

Buzzy - loving the mobility ride - working with older people is the best isn't it!!!! I love my dementia patients and could listen to them all day long. Even though they get so confused they do speak the "truth" as well don't you find. When I really was pregnant a whole 27 months a go, 2 dementia ladies seperatly asked me if I was going to have a baby. They have powers!

But Buzzy - I am sorry for the spotting, the worrying never stops does it. But look at LadyGees story - spotting didn't prevent her pregnancy - I have fingers crossed for a longer cycle or no af at all.

Mrs D - hooray for more positivity and thanks for your comment. I did feel like a bit of a loon for writing it. I have never belived in the 'relax and it will happen' twaddle but I do believe in positive mental attitude to invite a bit of good luck back. I remember when everything I ever wanted in life seemed to fall in to my lap. I wasn't arrogant but I somehow knew things would work out - so trying to get some of that back.

Well today is CD1 for me. I am feeling a little miserable so I'm letting myself off for one day from not being positive. I don't normally get too bothered by AF showing up but this month was a bit of head fuck. I suppose there were some increased expectations as I managed to get hold of some antibiotics this month and started the maya abdominal massage and got told tubes were clear for now. And then there were the womb flutters which lasted 5 days. By my calculations, AF is one day late (could be a bit out of course). I have POED on a few times. Yesterday afternoon I got a thin, faint positive line on a blue dye cross test - but realise this was likely an error - I have heard that these tests can do this. My peiod is a little more crampy than normal so have taken pain killers. My maya lady said this period could be a bit more yacky as I am trying to give it a spring clean. But somewhere deep inside, I do think something was trying to happen this month. Not sure if a failed implantation is a hopeful thing or something more to worry about.

Nope, it was definitely ovary twinges, bunny. It is a very distinct feeling from AF cramps.

But I did get full AF last night, so that was an anovulatory cycle. I hope now everything will get back to normal. It has now been a month since the downregging drugs. I was aiming to just relax and not monitor cycles over the summer, but I think I am going to have to temp or use ov sticks this cycle so that I have some comfort that my ovaries will ov again.

sarlat I had ov twinges all through that cycle, from a few days after stopping the drugs. I think my ovaries were trying to do something but couldn't quite manage it.

It does sound like something was trying to happen. Maybe the massage combined with an embryo going in this cycle will do the job! We are cycle buddies anyway. AF came late last night, so I am on CD1/2.

Frannie my gynae appointment today was supposed to be about my dodgy smear, so AF is likely to put an end to that. I can't see that he would manage to get a clear view of my cervix when AF is in full flow (and I don't particularly want anyone peering up there tbh!).

Sorry about cursed AF euro and sar although maybe you are pleased to see it euro to get things kick started. And AAH to dodgy blue crosses sar.

I'm liking the positivity! I'm trying my best to summon it. Though I had a preggo announcement by text this morning. But I gurned for a while then decided to Man Up. Decided to text my lovely friend back to say how happy I was, but also told her my own situation. I am a bit fed up lying about things; and she's a very dear friend. She is also my age and I have a sneaky suspicion this will be high on the Deserving scale.

There has been some very nice SWI in the Nelly house, and had serious OV pains last night. So going by the daft idealistic loved up thread, this means I'll get pregnant, right?. An ironic Pre IVF Diff???

Sorry about CD1 euro and sarlat. It's always hard, especially when you feel like something might have been happening. The second line on sarlat's test is especially cruel.

Frannie we can be iui buddies next cycle. I've had my baseline tests done on CD2 of this cycle but then we're away during OV so will making our first iui attempt next cycle somewhere around the second week of September. When are you aiming for? Are you doing anything special to prepare yourself?

Morning lovelies!

Sorry about AF, especially after flutterings and faint tests sarlat. Also how annoying it interveres with your appointment euro. Fingers crossed that lovely sechsing will land you with a baybee, nelly. You deserve it. Well done on manning up and texting your friend!

I am still going to bits quietly. I am awaiting the call from the clinic this afternoon, to trigger or not to trigger and I feel totally all over the place. Definitely a month off, or many months off. I hate the whole process, the desperate wanting and hoping, the failing time and again, the prodding and poking, the needles, the abstaining, the clinical processes, the not knowing whether it will be ever.

:(

Right, so far my contribution to the positivity on the thread
I am not sure what to do, as I have tried my tested coping mechanism of exercise (tue-swim,wed-run,thurs-yoga,fri-swim) and it has not brought the calm it usually brings...

So, my waters must have some inkling of correctness about them. I ate some hobnobs this morning because I was feeling a bit sick and I can't be doing with the mentalling and it was a BFN. ERTD will be here in the next few days. Anniversary fail and pregnant bestfriends 'happy' 12 week mile stone reached with scan today. Everyone will be so thrilled and happy for her and all I can do is sit here and have a small cry. Still on the plus side it means I can pack and lift heavy boxes this weekend. Thank heavens for small mercies I am actually a bit annoyed given all the hard work and extra shagging this month. Wails Why does it have to be so hard? at stupid Princess body that doesn't work properly.

Frannie I'm not going until September but of course I will let you know how I get on with the Sussex Stork. I'm really excited about it. She is going to help me get my autumnal BFP. She recommends only 6 sessions in most cases. I'm really looking forward to it. And then we'll be all settled in the new house and being able to hide myself away for a while.

Sar I'm not even CD1 and I'm having a misery moment. Your mayan abdominal massage sounds like it's doing wonders. I bet you'll have your big clear out and then your womb and tubes will be all clean and ready to go :)

Euro it must be a relief to see AF. Onwards!! I too am going to chart again. I felt very disorientated this month not knowing when I'd been so clued up for the first time ever over the last couple of months. Fuck all of the POAS and chart haters. I think I'm big enough to realise that a combo of EOD and charting is a sensible way forward for me. I don't think the chart is so much for timing shagging for me but is for knowing what the hell my body's doing.

Waves to everyone else. Feeling sorry for myself. And a bit angry because I should never have got my hopes up and I shouldn't have even been entertaining an instadiff. Stupid Princess

Oh and FX for the pre IVF instadiff Nelly :)

Lemons you can come and sit in my glum corner too. I don't know how to deal with this at all. I thought I was doing better. Evidently by the state I'm in now I'm not coping at all. I've got loads to do and I can't think about anything except that my friend is having her scan and I'm going to be trying for ages before I even get a sniff of a BFP (if ever) and will probably go through another miscarriage because my body isn't capable of producing a healthy embryo with a heart beat. Argh. I've said it. My worst fear is out. Even the acu lady said that yesterday thus compounding worst fears. I shall pronounce today Friday 03/08/12, CD26, Princess Doom Day when all worst fears come to the fore.

I agree with you on the charting. It does make me mental on a day by day basis because the one off temps can mean anything but when I can look back at the whole picture of the month, it makes me feel so much better. It's the only real sign I have other than AF that I am a functioning woman and for me, the temps really don't lie (even when I try to manipulate them by sticking the thermometer further down my throat). If I hadn't been temping this month I would have had myself convinced I was PG this month as AF was so late but since I knew I OV'd late I know not to expect AF until late. Of course I still did my hoping and mentalling but it would have been much worse and we probably would have had yet another BFN but no AF thread on our hands.

Temping is good for those of us who don't have perfect cycles (what's the point if you're like clockwork anyway) but still have some semblance of a cycle. Not to mention EOD throughout the cycle just isn't going to happen for us and I get really irritated hearing that from people who don't know what it's like to DTD when you have a recovering broken back to contend with.

Kitty still isn't back so distracting myself on MN by worrying about TTC. Nice to have so many things to worry about to distract myself from worrying about

Also worrying that my worrying about the cat is going to affect DH's sperm quality even more (saw actual tears in his eyes last night, the only other time I've seen them was on our wedding day) and affect my ovulation (wonky cycles do seem to happen in months where I've had stress)

I am actually quite happy to see AF this time, Nelly, for the first time since we started ttc. Relief is right, princess. It is a sign that the horrible IVF episode is over. Once I have oved I'll feel completely back to normal. It's just annoying that it wasn't tomorrow so I could have got my appointment out of the way. It's rebooked for 2 weeks' time. There were no appointments next week.

Well done for texting your preggo friend, Nelly.

princess you are just in PMS doom mood. It'll all seem better when the hormones flip. Promise.

I'm sorry the kitty hasn't turned up yet MissM. I hope she does soon.

You're right Euro. I should be put in a black tent marked doom and then I can move into the red tent marked ERTD and then I can be released back into the community... Good news that you are re-booked and that the drugs have made their way out of your system.

Oh princess sorry you're having such a rubbish day. I really feel for you. On about my 20th CD1 of ttc, my friend nervously showed me her 12 week scan pic, I lasted about 5 mins before I was in floods of tears- sobbing 'sorry, sorry, I am happy for you really!'. I hate to think of anyone else going through that . It's so frustrating with how hard you've worked at the shagging and the brown diet. Please don't beat yourself up though, it is the first cycle post the break you took so it has the expectations of 4 cycles (if that makes sense). You WILL get pregnant again and you WILL keep it.

sar I'm sorry you're also on CD1. The faint blue line must have been such a headfuck, especially as you were getting some indications. This might be a good sign for the tubes though? When is your next appointment?

missm everything crossed that the kitty turns up soon. Our neighbours' cat, unbeknownst to us, had made a little home in our garage for a couple of days last year. Have you checked with people living close?

Yes, we will be iui-ing together! Scans should start early September. Feel a bit more up for it after a little break- lemons I would recommend it, and that's without the drugs that you've been going through . I really hope you get that call soon. Sorry the normal routines aren't helping.

I didn't do a huge amount to prep before- more vigilant with the vits and not drinking but otherwise not much. I squeeze in my scans in a half hour lunch break, which is always a bit stressful and probably not ideal as I get back to work in a cold sweat with about 30 seconds to go!

The charting/ temping thing I think has to be a personal thing. I have slightly erratic cycles so temped and charted vigilantly for 9 cycles. Because of the iui monitoring scans I now know that my other signs are pretty accurate (ewcm/ spots and twinges) so I now just temp for a few days when the ew starts until I get 2 post-ov high temps. I was finding that sticking the thermometer in my mouth first thing meant that ttc was my first thought, everyday, which was making me so anxious. I also became obsessional with chart overlays and comparing my cycle to every one on FF, particularly in the luteal phase. Saying that I wish I'd been better this month as the met seems to be affecting my cycle a bit! Like euro I think it helps to temp if you change some of the variables.

nelly great effort with the text and for being so 'together' with it. Good to get it off your chest as well. I'd love to add you to my little bank of reassuring stories with a pre-IVF BFP. FX

Well, better get on with something! Have a good afternoon.

Well still no AF and longest cycle for a while so going to poas to get it going today and keep a regular cycle.
Fingers crossed even though I will be back in an hour in the weeping and misery corner with most of you :(

Where is everyone this afternoon? Did I scare everyone off with my stinky mood?

Bunny how did that test go??

Miss you all!! :)

Care- well done on getting two little embies back in. Screw the stats. They are meaningless. And sorry that you weren?t happy with the grading. But i do wonder out of all the babies that are conceived naturally, i wonder how many would have been top grade at 3 days old...Embed little ones!

Missm ? sorry about kitty ...i really hope she turns up soon. at you sticking the thermometer down your throat to try and manipulate the figures. That?s the sort of thing i would do to try and convince myself fthat af isn?t on the way.

Princess ? i was biting my lip this morning when the girl rowers got gold. This Olympic stuff is emotional. Sorry to hear you are wobbly. You have to remember you are on cycle 1 since coming off all the vitamins and your cycle isn?t over yet. It makes it doubly hard that your best friend is having her 12 wk scan but try not to put pressuer on yourself. Whenever i put in a lot of effort in to swi, i get really angry that i even bothered at all ? it is bloody annoying. And the Sussex stork you say? Don?t tell me i?m going to have to go hunt this woman down when i?m next visitng my folks in sussex. And your bod is capable of producing a healthy sticky embryo ? when you get your bfp, you must go and get your progesterone tested asap to check it?s suitably high or perhaps have some cyclogest pellets waiting in the bathroom cupboard. And if you aren?t happy with your reflexologist you should change. I?m thinking i am going to change my acupuncturist now because i don?t get the feeling he really cares.

Lemon ? glad your follies are read to release but sorry you are all over the place. it will be the drugs playing havoc with your emotions ? hopefully once trigger has gone in, things will start getting better.

Mrsd ? MiL doesn?t read the daily mail but perhaps she is thinking mrJ and I don?t have sex. I do sometimes wonder whether people who conceive easily think that us non conceivers are doing things the right way. I?m sorry you have got yet more waiting. I guess it is good to check that everything is in the clear though. Just checked out that loving sex thread. Sigh. I had two months of that when we first started and then i rarely get it now . Ovulation time for me = too much pressure to enjoy myself.

Rabbit ? i worry myself stupid about the menopause. I shiver at just the word. My amh level suggests it is pretty much round the corner but i know that people have surges of fertility before the menopause. In terms of whether you should do the amh test, if i had the last month again i wish i had said no to it. it has placed a lot of stress on me and i would have preferred not to have known if i?m being honest. It has made me fearful of the quality of my eggs as well.
I think that progesterone cream was having an effect. It was certainly delaying breast pain and the first time i used it, i only had 5 days of pain as opposed to 10 . The pain i normally get is just not right...whatever my acupuncturist likes to say. I wonder whether my body was just completely in sync this month and did what it was suppose to without the cream...who knows!

Buzzy ? sorry about the spotting. I hope you are ok.

Bunny ? good luck with the test...i hope this late af means something.

Euro ? i am glad af has arrived and you can now move on from the horrors of the last month. i?m sorry you have to wait for your appt though.

Frannie- when does school start? It does sound like it is a good distraction for you during term time. I do get busy at work but i certainly have time to pop on to MN and even if i have things to do, i find myself thinking about ttc. On the other hand i couldn?t cope with a stressful job and all this rubbish on the side.

Sarlat ? you are very lucky to have a mum who is with you all the way on this. Sorry about CD1 but it does sound like something happened for you this month as well. I always take comfort from feeling like something is happening but it does add to the mystery and worry of what else could be going on for it to fail. I think you should take heart that sperm and egg most likely met this month.

Nelly ? sorry about the preggy announcement. Well done for texting friend back and for letting her know about your situation. and loved up sex this month? start painting that nursery nelly one.

Has anyone noticed getting more and more moody as time has gone on with ttc? I was talking to mrjoy last night at how i am getting so het up by everything and anything. i had a massive strop when someone didn?t thank me for making them tea yesterday. I just don?t feel very calm or relaxed. MrJoys friends were staying with us last night and i have been wound up by it for weeks and i know why because i was worried they would spring a preggy announcement on us. It?s a very weird feeling but I hate being around people. I hate being asked how everything is going or how i am. I am spending the weekend with friends one of whom has just got married and I am dreading it and feel quite teary that i am not spending the w/e with Mrjoy. It?s really bizarre.