After m/c - the [wine] and [shagging] thread

[FoofFighter]

Funthatisfunny, booboomonster, madeinchinababy - anyone else who's recently had a BFP sadly followed by a miscarriage - welcome [busmile]

Me - got a shock BFP on 5th March, had early scan at 9 weeks (after I talked to midwife about feeling something was wrong, lost symptoms) on Friday 6th April showing baby had died around 6-7 weeks. Our little Widget left me on Saturday 7th April thread here

I have been wonderfully supported here on Mumsnet but especially by the above people who are sadly going through the same thing right now or waiting to, very special people to be thinking of others at such a sad time for them and their partners.

Although the baby was unplanned and completely unexpected, we want to try. And time is against us as I am 39 in June. So here we are. I'm not sure if we'll wait a period of time or just see what happens but having had secondary infertilty with my now ex husband for 5+years I do NOT want to get het up on BBT, CM checking, OPKS.

So in talking with the lovely ladies we decided that other threads were quite well established and to start a new one based mostly on alcohol and sex

Anyone is welcome, just jump right in :)

Just found this link www.babyexpert.com/get-pregnant/conceiving/vitamins-boost-fertility-and-conception - so am going to carry on taking my Pregnacare and extra folic acid (BMI is 36) and extra Vit D (not prescribed, just taking as have been as near as dammit housebound for a year with a back problem so probably not a bad idea - plus other countries advise much higher doses than the UK does).

Foo I didn't realise you had a daughter, especially one old enough to be a mum herself. For some reason I assumed you were about my age (I'm 32), or possibly younger.

lol bless you, I wish! am 39 in June. Had her when I was 18, and she is due in August with my granddaughter :) her fella is away in the Navy, he left the day after they did the test and will not return till 2 weeks before her edd . I've also got an 18yo son in the Army. DP doesn't have any children.

Do you really have to go to the baby show though? I've had 2 children and have never felt the need to go to a baby show. COuldn't you help with baby shopping in a less intense place? I'm sure you'll cope though, you just do don't you, especially when it's for your children.

No she wants to go, her fella is away and she lives 400 odd miles from me so we haven't seen each other since Xmas and it was supposed to be a nice bonding kind of womanly thing (arranged before I got pg) I'll be fine

Pink- no period here (yet!) and have had sex a few times since bleeding stopped & felt up to it. Not using protection. Decided to just wait & see (& hope!)

Wondered today if maybe pg again (doubtful!!) nauseous, exhausted, really snappy with dh and pissed off. Did wonder for a nano second then remembered dc up twice last night teething & so just knackered! He ended up in our bed at 5 (dh and I gave up) and then no one got any slp..... Oh except the little one! :p sods law!!!

Fun- try not to worry, it will happen & be hard but it might not be too painful (mine wasn't) and fingers crossed will pass quickly. The worst bleeding clots etc should hopefully be done in a few difficult hours. You will get through it & we are all here for you

Stupid iPhone didn't refresh Foofs posts. I can understand why you would want to go for your daughter but it could be difficult for you lovely, does your dd know about mc?

Try not to worry fun... I didn't have any heavy bleeding at all and only one small clot and I mean small as I didn't even notice it so you may be ok hugs x x

thanks pink, i hope it is like that! After all this build-up surely it has to be pathetic now?!

Oh foof I can't think of anywhere more awful than a baby show, but a baby show after a mc?! With all those smug bump strokers? Can you not do anything else?! UG I couldn't cope, I find fb smug enough and they are my friends. Poor sausage. At least you can be partially smug I suppose with your lovely DD and GD-as-bump :) How are you coping, that must be a strange mix of emotions? Does your daughter know?

It is tipping down and I have to take DS a mile away to the childminder's in a min! eek! he will have a brilliant time with someone with lots and love and energy while I am under DH's orders to be a complete bum all week! hurray! I am not allowed to work and have to watch tv, sleep and eat all the choccy, apparently to be strong for when it has happened and get back to life with gusto when I am well. He asked me a simple question when he got home and I couldn't work out the answer (it was yes or no) and then just started crying like a total simpleton. He spent loads of time with me last night (usually works all night every night:( we are workaholics which pisses me off!) just chatting and we are going to book a 2 week holiday in italy for September :) Can't wait. I am also going to get the little kitten I have wanted for years :)

Hopefully with some time out and tlc I shall start to look up again soon. Sick of being on the outside of life looking in :(

Hope you are all ok today! is anyone 2wwing now?

fun I'm sure you will find it's better than you have been expecting. I hope you have a nice day with no ds to worry about. I'm glad your dh is being more understanding with you and has ordered you to take it easy. I am very envious of a holiday in Italy, we haven't been abroad for years, and have actually only had one family holiday since we got together 5 years ago! Maybe we can go camping this summer now we don't have to be saving every penny.

foof would your daughter understand about you not wanting to go to the baby show? Would it be possible for her to go with a friend and you do something different together? I'm sure you will cope if you do go, but I think it will be very hard (I would find it hard even if I was still pg as I would want to shout at all the 'experts' they have on)

I'm not having as good a day as I did yesterday. I'm doing all the same things as I did then, but somehow I just feel lost and aimless today. I've had messages from colleagues and family on facebook and email, which although it is lovely that they are thinking of me, it just made me cry again :( I should possibly do some work to take my mind off it, but I haven't got the energy or the motivation.

Hi There,

Can I join you? I mc last December and have been ttc since then. I already have a fab 2yo DS.

I'm afraid I can't offer any advice fun as I had an ERPC.
I have to be honest foof I'm not sure that I could cope with the baby show, however I have promised my sister (who is due exactly 3 weeks before I would have been) that we will go shopping for baby stuff at the weekend.

Ladies, I'm hoping you can all help me - I think I'm going am already a bit mad. AF is due Monday and I have been getting very upset whenever she has arrived, but suddenly I want her to. For some strange reason, I don't want to be pregnant this month???? Am I just trying to protect myself??? argh this whole thing is driving me mad!!!!

Sorry I meant to say jodidi please give yourself time x

May I join too, please?

I've just had a mc (just short of 8 weeks) on our family ski holiday. Feeling rather low about it. Was completely unplanned, just got our heads round the idea of having no. 4, then spotting started. 3 weeks of on/off bleeding, finished off in France with major clotting/blood. Hideous. Massively made me think about how I've reacted to friends who've had mcs in the past and makes me want to apologise to them for lack of understanding. No-one understands til they've been through it and the line that I've got 3 healthy kids already makes me want to lash out. Walking past the 20+ wk mums-to-be waiting for their scans so I can get to the EPU (again) to give (get more) blood for HCG test? Who plans the layout of these hospitals? sorry, sorry.

Already ttc. Stopped bleeding about 8 days ago. HGC levels seem to be taking ages to go down, although at least they are going down. Yesterday at 64. Told it could be another 2-6 weeks before levels are negative. Irony being of course that 3 weeks ago I was desperate for them to rise.

Sorry. Having a low day. Thanks. in fridge.

i echo what everyone else has said fun - physically its not going to be as bad as you think, sounds like you are doing a great job of getting yourself as ready as you can - bumming round, choccie and getting lots of TLC, and wine and its perfect!!

Hello chellie and ice - sorry you are here but nice to see you (if that makes any sense!) Sorry you are having a low day ice, 64 is pretty low for HGC isnt it - I am sure it took less than a week for mine to get back to 0 from around the 70 mark?? Fingers crossed for you that is less than the 2-6 you have been told. I think they always err on the side of caution these medical types (like saying you have to wait 3 cycles to ttc again - bollocks to that!)

My retail therapy was a complete disaster - I couldnt find anything I liked (that I could afford) and have ended up buying some birthday pressies for DH and DSIL and nothing for me. Am dreading going back to work tomorrow and probably not a good idea to tonight to help as dont want my first day back to be a hungover one :(

Sorry that we have some new people. Hello to chelliebellie and icequeenkate!

Enjoy your week as much as you can fun. Watch some good (distracting!) films :)

foof - I agree with the others. My mc was in Feb and although I am OK on the surface I am not sure I could spend a whole day at a Baby Fair. Well, physically I could but I am not sure what it would do to me mentally. But I can understand that part of you wants to go with your daughter, it must be all very exciting for her. Does she know about your mc? Toughy.

welcome chellie and kate. It's nice to meet you, although I wish the circumstances were better.

chellie I don't know about wanting af to arrive, you may well just be trying to protect yourself from the disappointment of nothing happening again (or of being pregnant and having something go wrong again). I know when I was ttc dd2 it took 2 years and I found myself wishing for af every month, not helped by the fact that I wasn't having af every month, I sometimes went 6/7/8 months without an af which is particularly stressful when ttc. I hope you get af soon (or a bfp if that's what you really want). I am giving myself time I think. I am taking time out to do nothing, but I'm not convinced it's helping.

kate I know exactly what you mean about wanting to apologise to friends who have mc before. I feel so guilty that I didn't offer more support at the time, as I didn't understand what they were going through. And I hate the line about having kids already, that doesn't mean I loved or wanted this one any less, or that it hurts any less. I haven't been to the hospital at all, as i didn't want to walk past the mums to be in the waiting room, or sit in the same waiting room with them and go for the scan that was booked as my 12 week scan. It is horrible the way they expect you to just cope with that environment.

chuckle sorry your retail therapy didn't work out the way you had planned. I don't do retail therapy as everything nice is out of my price range :( Retail therapy in Home Bargains doesn't quite reach the spot. I find that chocolate, cheesecake and Ice cream has helped today, although that's not going to help with losing the weight I'm supposed to be losing. Good luck with first day back at work tomorrow.

chuckle, sorry missed your post. Your shopping sounds like how mine always goes. I end up buying things for everyone else but not me! Good luck for tomorrow :)

i am not much fun at the moment so have changed name!

chuckle such good luck for tomorrow. i couldn't bear to work, so much so i want to leave now!

hey chellie and kate sorry to see you here but pleased to meet you. Mc on a skiing holiday sounds rough kate, hope you were ok.

Have bummed around all day, ate too much chocolate and am now about ready for a snooze... but have to go and get DS, cook dins, play 'tennis' etc etc - back on the merry-go-round! Hopefully DH will take some of tomorrow off so we can hang out together. Such a bugger am knackered all day but then at bed time I just can't drop off. hormones I suspect.

Oh fedup I hope you feel better soon. I'm sure you don't really want to leave properly, you've put a lot of time and effort into this. You just need a proper break to recover from this horrible experience. I could do with a snooze too, but also need to go collect dd2 and do all the other stuff you mentioned. Hormones have a lot to answer for don't they.

No I can't let her down. She does know, we just don't talk about it at all really, I don't want her worrying. She's 22 weeks so past most dangers but still. One of her very good friends had a baby 2 weeks ago at 35 weeks due to pre-eclampsia which didn't go after delivery, went into full eclampsia and was very ill a week later so she's aware of the horrors that can lurk at either end of pregnancy and I just don't want her to spend the next few months worrying her head off.

I'll suck it up and go. OH is toying wether to come with me too (his mum was anyway) as extra support.

So don't blame you for name changing

My lovely Netmum friends spread around the country have sent us flowers which is so nice of them to think of us like that, love them all to bits :)

taking OH sounds like a good idea foof so you can sort of feel like you have company iykwim. Am sure you will enjoy it... glad peeps are looking after you. I am the first in our friendship circle to have a mc so everyone is sort of frightened of me I think. it's ok though, tho a bit lonely and i do want to say 'hey! I'm still ME you know! just a bit sad!'

I do want to leave jo! I hate it and my work affects our family terribly as I am always scrabbling for hours to work in so weekends are all about me and my fecking PhD. i want to be a SAHM anyway when I finish. I shall see how terrible my latest chapter was and talk to DH tomorrow - when we are arguing over time to work vs looking after DS/family time he says it is a hobby anyway so I am not sure what his response will be. It's utterly pointless :) this has made me realise what is important and my blinkin' selfish qualification for no reason (don't want to be an academic) is not it! but yes, sigh, hormones blardy bla.

off to get cheeky chappy. I hope, I hope he leaves the childminders like he wants to come home today, instead of in a blaze of tears and tantrums as usual. i mean, it is lovely he loves it there so much but god it is embarrassing having to bribe your child to come home!

Oh dear sovery I'm so sorry you feel like that. I want to be a SAHM too, but it's not possible :( Take time to think about it before you make any rash decisions though. You may not want it now, but later on you might be glad you finished it. I hear your pain on having to bribe your child to come home. Dd2 absolutely adores her childminder and regularly needs to be bribed to come home, although if dp ever collects her she is delighted and can't wait to come home

Wouldn't worry about Dc/childminders. it's normally the other children/toys you don't have at home they don't want to leave not the CM themselves

so am sure you've already told but... what's your PHD in? What did you intend doing with it after?

aw thanks for caring guys!

I know it might seem sad to want to leave it jo but maybe it just is a good idea, although I do only have two more months... i have three weeks more of sick leave so will take this one and the next to think about it, review the chapter my supervisor has had to send to me in the post because there are so many corrections he can't fit the points into an email kindly marked and talk to DH and take it from there. Tbh I just don't care any more.

foo it is in international politics; am looking at international charidees and saying they're getting a bit too political. I don't know what to with it afterwards as such, i did plan on being a mum for the next ten years as DH has a good career in marketing he works all hours at... and being in Uni writing more papers etc like an 72 hour a week filling, career driven academic does does not appeal to me any more. I do want to work in charity but more like citizen's advice work (am a lefty liberal :)) or helping homeless peeps or working in the council. Just stuff.

haven't cried today. yay. Don't feel like am going to mc any time soon. Starting to feel like am not going to and have been having a freaky dream.

I've an interview for volunteering in the citizen's advice bureau at the end of May :)

Since being off sick and seeing all the hoops people have to jump through to get what they are entitled to and all the DLA/ESA changes, I want to help. I'd like to be a benefits advisor for the council and see it as a stepping stone to that. No idea how else to get into that line of work tbh.

I haven't cried for almost 3 days now :) I'm still bereft and empty and soulless and all of that though. last two days haven't gotten out of bed till around 2pm. What's to get up for? It's wreaking havoc with my back though lying for all that time.