After m/c - the [wine] and [shagging] thread

[FoofFighter]

Funthatisfunny, booboomonster, madeinchinababy - anyone else who's recently had a BFP sadly followed by a miscarriage - welcome [busmile]

Me - got a shock BFP on 5th March, had early scan at 9 weeks (after I talked to midwife about feeling something was wrong, lost symptoms) on Friday 6th April showing baby had died around 6-7 weeks. Our little Widget left me on Saturday 7th April thread here

I have been wonderfully supported here on Mumsnet but especially by the above people who are sadly going through the same thing right now or waiting to, very special people to be thinking of others at such a sad time for them and their partners.

Although the baby was unplanned and completely unexpected, we want to try. And time is against us as I am 39 in June. So here we are. I'm not sure if we'll wait a period of time or just see what happens but having had secondary infertilty with my now ex husband for 5+years I do NOT want to get het up on BBT, CM checking, OPKS.

So in talking with the lovely ladies we decided that other threads were quite well established and to start a new one based mostly on alcohol and sex

Anyone is welcome, just jump right in :)

Just found this link www.babyexpert.com/get-pregnant/conceiving/vitamins-boost-fertility-and-conception - so am going to carry on taking my Pregnacare and extra folic acid (BMI is 36) and extra Vit D (not prescribed, just taking as have been as near as dammit housebound for a year with a back problem so probably not a bad idea - plus other countries advise much higher doses than the UK does).

jo I echo chuckle and think you could do with a bloody good talk with your DP. This is a life changing thing for both of you - i don't know how I would feel if DP said he didn't want any more, I would have to really think about whether I wanted him or a baby more i would be so heartbroken. I would talk to him though. Sorry this is happening to you :(

I feel a bit better today but generally pissed off with DH for working through his apparent 'holiday'. he is a workaholic and I know I have to get used to this but I am very much family before work and don't want lots of money - just enough, but lots of spare time together and laughter would suit me fine. Can't cuddle a wedge/big fancy house/work pressure at night :( Am I too whiny about this considering he pays the bills and will do for a while if I have another baybee? Maybe I am just spoilt... I hate having to shout at him to spend time with us though! bah I probably need to get a life.

Depression sucks balls one every day is fucking different, I can't be normal or plan anything. It'll be ok, am back to the GP on thurs to assess how I am doing which would generally be 'ok... but bit shit...' It'll be ok.

Going to do an hour of back to work planning today... am really scared of next week, being on my own... and having to be 'normal' again.

I'm sure he does know how much I want another baby. I don't want to talk about it though because I will get upset and cry while he just sits there blank faced telling me it isn't going to happen :( Then I feel like a toddler throwing a tantrum because I want it whereas he gets to feel like the grown up with logic rather than emotion on his side.

lol jo don't be sexist against yourself :) Don't let yourself get too emotional, plan what you are going to say, what he will say back and what you will say back and try and hold it together if you can. I am (was) very emotional in arguments but learnt not to be and win a LOT more now :)

If you don't want to talk to him then don't, for sure, BUT imo I wonder if you should and find out for sure what is going on. Scary as hell though. here, xxx

Thankd wild. As you can probably tell I'm not very good at confrontation. I seem to just give in most of the time or let it fester and seethe about things without ever resolving them. I already know that I want another baby more than I want to be with him, but I don't want to hurt my children in order to chase something that might not happen anyway. There is no guarantee that if we split up I would find anyone willing to have a relationship with me as a single mother of 2 children with 2 different fathers, desperate for another baby. And he is almost perfect in every other way, he is a good dad, he makes me laugh, he does a lot around the house (we wouldn't eat unless he cooks it), he's good with money (other than not making much of it), he seems to understand me in everything other than this one issue. When I wanted dd2 I was prepared to walk away and find someone else, but now it's more complicated, I'm 4 years older, we have a house together, we have dd2 together, etc. I would be much happier if I could fall pg 'accidentally' as then I wouldn't have to persuade him to try, it would be happening and he would accept it even if he wasn't particularly thrilled with the idea, and he would be as good a dad to the baby as he already is to dd2 (and dd1 even though she isn't biologcally his). It's all just so hard.

I've just read your AIBU too wild. Your dh doesn't sound as if he realises what you're going through either. I'm not sure I could cope if dp was as much of a workaholic as your dh sounds. I hope you manage to sort that issue out successfully.

Jodidi, sounds tough. I can't imagine how it felt when he brought home the condoms. He seems great for you and your family in lots of ways, I can see why it's hard to think it through to any particular conclusion. I like what Wild said about not being sexist toward yourself. I can also see that whatever decision you make isn't without it's difficulties. Why really doesn't he want more chidlren? I.e., is it well thught through decisin he's unlikely to udge from? How would he respond to you getting accidentally pregnant do you think?

My AF arrived today. To state the obvious...I wish I was pregnant instead of on my period, I bought a big bag of crisps and dip and stayed in bed watching tv all morning, and did a really stupid thing and looked at the due in Feb thread to see what I'm missing out on. Stupid, stupid, stupid. But I didn't cry. I cleaned out the fridge though for the 2nd time in two weeks and made a big point of it to my partner as he is the messy one. I think it was my way of saying "It's your fault I'm not pregnant", realised I was getting bitchy and excused myself back up to the tv/laptop/bedroom.

Anyway, I told my partner and put the new sex dates in his diary, the only thing he has scheduled in is football this time, yeah! But he's already anxious about performing on demand, already starting to make excuses. I'm seriously wondering about getting him to a clinic and freezing his stuff. I can't believe it, we get on so well, he's great and I made the right decision in choosing him in may ways, but not re sex! It took me ages to seperate being wanted and loved from being desired. I miss being desired, but right now I just want him to get on with it, I don't care that it isn't great sex, but I'm realy worried he's not going to be able to at all, without going into detail he wasn't able to produce much this month.

Sorry for the long msg.

one yes it's a well thought out decision on his part. He is not at all likely to budge on that front ever. He has a lot of reasons, mostly financial. He didn't particularly want any children at all but came round to the idea of dd2 when I threatened to leave. I can't see that happening again because I don't think I would follow through this time whereas last time I was ready to start looking for houses for me and dd1. He made it very clear when I fell pg accidentally last time (genuine accident not planned in secret) that an accident would be the only way I ever had another child with him. I think he would react to another accident the same way he reacted last time, which was to moan and sulk about it, suggest an abortion, leave me to cry for a few days then come up with a plan to make it work. That's fine with me, I don't think I would even cry about his reaction if it happened again because I would be expecting it iyswim. BUT I don't think another accident is likely. I think I really need to start accepting that we won't be having any more children, but I'm not sure quite where to start with that.

Sorry your dp has performance anxiety one. That can't be easy to deal with, especially when you both want to ttc.

Noooooo one NOOOOO step away from the pg boards! Our board is there and waiting we just don't know which one yet :) did actually look to see if there was a feb board t'other day

Am sorry to hear about your AF lovely. Glad you ate and watched shite for the soul though. I think (I am being veer bossy today, apologies) that he should NOT know when he is 'needed'. no marking on a calendar (that he can see/understand). Mark on your calender though! My DH had issues with knowing when peak time was, particularly if he was tired/stressed. if he is wanting to ttc then can you a) just dtd every 2/3 days for a couple of weeks/10 days; or b) say you are practising for the Big Time 'next week/soon' when really it is the Big Time then? this is what i do with DH! He never knows when I am actually ov'ing, I just either pounce as if is normal sex, not swi, or, if he is on board like next month shall dtd every 2/3 days for about 10 days. Could you do something like this? One month i shared all fertility info with DH including ov stick info and it scared him so much he couldn't perform. I was furious! Every other day/3 days though was good, and actually was rather lovely (we are well past the at-it-like-rabbits stage!)

jo your DP sounds lovely! so shit he is so stubborn though. What was the plan he came up with to keep the bubs - maybe that is your way in? Can you look at the finances and work a plan (i am not one to believe babies have to be pricey - my DS was on a budget but wanted for nothing). you poor thing, you must be in bits. Don't need to be confontational to have a chat. doesn't need to be all shouty? (says me, shouty queen)

Arf yes I was in AIBU! I was very brave methinks but am chuffed with my reception - was waiting to be torn apart He has been a right twonk but we did all our finances today so am feeling more empowered and HE LOVED IT, so we both know how much we have coming in/out... and work wise well, he apologises but still thinks he has no choice really... I think I have to go back to work so he has no excuse!

arf all signs say am ov'ing imminently and not doing anything about it! Am itching on the one hand (not literally!) to lure him to bed and on another am so happy to have some time off the 2ww and thinking about pregnancy! But ah want a baybee! Must. Wait.

meh

Evening all - back from holiday and catching up. The holiday was to celebrate our anniversary and was lovely except that AF turned up on the day :( It wasn't even a 2ww - just 1 week. I'm pretty sure I know when I ov'ed so that makes a luteal phase of 7 days. I'm panicking now :(:(:(

Jodidi So sorry to hear about the box of condoms, that must have been so hard. I really hope you can convince DP to try again.

welcome back hee!

have you ever had a short LP before? It could so easily be a hangover from the mc - reading around it seems cycles stayed buggered for a while :( mine is being odd, the WTF cycle was shorter than i expected, then this one seems shorter too as I am likely to ov any time now rather than sometime next week... and i had a wee spot yesterday - thinkin maybe ov bleed? never had that before. Hope you ok and did have a lovely holiday otherwise x

Hi wilde. My LP the previous cycle seemed to be 10 days so I've no idea what is going on. I'm hoping that it is what you said - still buggered from MC and will improve. I'm sure I read somewhere that it takes as many weeks to recover as you were pg - 12 weeks for me then. Hopefully this means my next cycle will be "normal".

I have never had an ov bleed but I get pains. Do you get those?

Holiday was lovely otherwise, thanks. It rained the whole time but we kind of expected it and I think the lake district is pretty in the rain.

The Lake District is very pretty in the rain Hee. That's one of the reasons I love living here . We get a lot of rain but it's very pretty, and nobody cares that I live in hiking boots and a fleece rather than trying to look stylish. Glad you had a nice holiday.

My cycles seem to be "normal" already, but I've never been normal before so it's odd for me, does that make sense? Maybe next cycle I'll go back to having months between periods .

Ooh jo you live there? You are so lucky! It is one of my favourite places. I love mountains but live in the flattest of flat places. Still, makes visiting beautiful places extra nice.

Yes, that does make sense. I'm wondering if normal just changes after a pregnancy? I want my old cycles back but thats because I know I could get pg then.

Hi Ladies,

Just checking in & catching up. I've not caught up on everything yet so apologises if I miss anything.

welcome one good luck ttc, hope it's a quick journey for you.

hee glad you had a good holiday, I love the lakes too & try to make it up at least once a year.

jo I'm sorry to hear about your DP, how upsetting for you. If you don't like confrontation or find it difficult have you thought about writing him a letter. Pour your heart into it, ou have time to review it & won't forget anything & no arguments he has to finish it & think about it. Write it all down & explain your feelings then leave it for him t read when your out one night or he's on his own for a couple of hours. At least then you'll know u tried & did all you could. Then you can start putting pins through the condom packets! ;p

Nothing to report from me, I'm 10 weeks now and only booked in yday with GP, coudnt bring myself to do it any earlier! I'm still not believing it or getting my hopes up until after 12 week scan. I'm still not getting much in the way of symptoms.... I'm tired, but who isn't working 3 days a week & having a toddler!! Occasional sickness & I'm bloated but that's it... Also a friend of mine who had a mc before dd cancelled getting together the other day because she'd got to 12 week scan only to find out she'd mc again. No symptoms of mc, nothing. :( I was oing to have a private scan this week for reassurance but sonographer at local private hospital away for 3 weeks & wld have to travel too far for alternative. I guess wait for 12 weeker to come through. Hmmmmmmmmm nervous times xxxx

Thanks Wild, I shouldn't have looked, it was one of those slow mo car crash sort of things, I could see it coming and yet I just had to look! It just seems like ages since I was pregnant, I'm so shocked that this is June!

And I know what you mean but we don't actually have sex anymore so I can't sneak up on him casually, iyswim. We had the briefest of chats about it yesterday, well, it wasn't really a chat, more of me making a suggestion and him agreeing and then going on about this day. I won't go into embarrassing details but we're going to try something new.

Jodidi, "I think I really need to start accepting..." sending a big hug your way.

Hee, could your brief luteal phase be "just a" wtf cycle kind of thing to happen? I bled to an odd rythm for 2 months and this (3rd month) seemed relatively normal (with scaterings of odd spotting!).

I'm curious what you guys think about ov pains. I think I had them last month for the first time ever (along with my first ever pos ov stick). Really quite uncomfortable for a day! I know what you mean Hee about wanting your old cycle back - I want to be able to predict what's going to happen and when! (welcome back from your lovely sounding holiday!)

Hi Cake, thanks, and I worry I'd feel the same way as you whenever I get to be pregnant again, I hope it some point you can come to enjoy it more.

glad you are working on getting things on track one And i get ov pains since I had DS (never before). Crampy on the day of ov. This month I have had teeny spotting over the past three days too and I expect to ov soon, very strange and can only out it down to being an ov bleed.

Am sure my cycles are still wtf. My usual fertility signs are slightly awry and i have this spotting and no positive opk yet, despite ov pains and ewcm so am wondering if is all still up the spout. Definitely agree with hee that I want my old cycles back! I have signed up to FF after my free trial expired as I want to be able to keep track of the past two months and build a up a new 'picture' of what is what and when I can expect to ov... But next month I will be dtd every 2/3 days for about 2 weeks as I just want to get pregnant now and am not going to beat around the bush!

hello cake! Congrats on 10 weeks, wow weee! Please don't fret over your friend's experience - it is that of your friend, (sadly) not you. All around you people are experiencing miscarriages but MORE people are not - and you are statistically more likely to not mc. And having gentle symptoms is lucky :) I had hardly any symptoms with DS and he was a super pregnancy - with the mc pg I had lots of symptoms and horrid sickness (which to me felt all wrong so i did worry about it!)

Oh, jo, I can't even imagine wanting another and being told no. . . If you're sure he won't change his mind then I suppose there us not much you can do, I just hope he knows exactly how you feel. . . .maybe it would sway him if he knew it was so important to you??

one I have had a lot of cramping this week which never had pre mc, am desperately hoping it was ovulation followed by early implantation but realisticly its too early :( i am having a nightmare with opkS and have had two seperate positives this cycle, i think maybe tbey are not the way forward for me.I know what you mean about it feeling an age since you were pg, I worked out this week that we have been ttc for 7 months now and I've lost 2 little ones along the way. I just can't imagine that I'll ever be of again and certainly can't imagine a successful pg. I hope you can start to enjoy being pg soon cake, I know its not easy, remember the odds are in your favour:)

I know how you feel chuckle... I have been ttc for around 9 months, though only seriously (dtd eod etc not just seeing what happened) since Feb, when we got pg... but feel like i am ALWAYS thinking about pregnancy! yet think I will never get pg... Am starting to try to imagine that I will get a bfp and think no further than that. Am grateful I have this month off to not think about it, is making me realise how much I do obsess about cycle days, fertility signs and then the 2ww horror.

Though having fertiltiy signs and not dtd is really, really difficult! I think, oooh what if we just dtd tonight?! i could make a baby!

Hope it is your month chuckle :) 2 seperate positives is weird and confusing. what cd/dpo are you?

I think I ov on Monday/Tuesday. Had ewcm and positive opk to confirm.that but had really bad cramps Wednesday, friday and yesterday and opk looked positive this morning (though I an finding them hard to read) I am hoping I ovd Monday and cramps were implantation and I can test on fathers day and get a bfp (I've got it all planned!!) - best present for DH ever!! The 2ww is a horror isn't it. I don't think its helped me being off work this week but I've been obsessed.

aw a fathers day bfp would be lovely!

I like your plan Chuckle! Fx!!

oooh am really chuffed today because i have nearly got a pos opk - first after the mc :) Which for me means I will probably get a pos in the next couple of days, which means I am having a LH, therefore likely ovulating, and my cycles are back to pre-mc of 32 days. this is so pleasing because for me it means I am back in working order again :)

Am not now thinking of whether to try and lure Dh to dtd tomorrow with the chance of making a baybee this month hoping I do get my pos then know that all my fertile signs and ov are linking up nicely in time for lots of dtd next month. Hurray! want one now

ARF I had my first 'do you think you'll have more children?' moment today. At soft play, surrounded by uber fertile wimmin, lady in question had one girl my DS's age and her second was 7 months... And I was totally cool and reacted exactly as I would have pre mc (I had never met her before). Just fine. Am very pleased; I would have cried a couple of weeks ago. Am mending :)

Well done on being all cool and collected wilde, and good luck with getting your pos opk and maybe an accidental shag in the next couple of days.

I am so convinced that I will get my fairytale bfp on fathers day that I'm going to be crushed when I don't (and its unlikely).

chuckle I am completely convinced I will get a BFP in 6 weeks! I too, will be crushed if it doesn't work out. Here's to hoping!

hello hello hello. Just a quickie to hand out fancy foreign biccys and say I'm baaaaack! I've just caught up with the thread, warm welcomes to the newbies and I will post properly tomorrow as I'm cream crackered. Chin up everyone (this weather is bloody awful innit?!) xxx