After m/c - the [wine] and [shagging] thread

[FoofFighter]

Funthatisfunny, booboomonster, madeinchinababy - anyone else who's recently had a BFP sadly followed by a miscarriage - welcome [busmile]

Me - got a shock BFP on 5th March, had early scan at 9 weeks (after I talked to midwife about feeling something was wrong, lost symptoms) on Friday 6th April showing baby had died around 6-7 weeks. Our little Widget left me on Saturday 7th April thread here

I have been wonderfully supported here on Mumsnet but especially by the above people who are sadly going through the same thing right now or waiting to, very special people to be thinking of others at such a sad time for them and their partners.

Although the baby was unplanned and completely unexpected, we want to try. And time is against us as I am 39 in June. So here we are. I'm not sure if we'll wait a period of time or just see what happens but having had secondary infertilty with my now ex husband for 5+years I do NOT want to get het up on BBT, CM checking, OPKS.

So in talking with the lovely ladies we decided that other threads were quite well established and to start a new one based mostly on alcohol and sex

Anyone is welcome, just jump right in :)

Just found this link www.babyexpert.com/get-pregnant/conceiving/vitamins-boost-fertility-and-conception - so am going to carry on taking my Pregnacare and extra folic acid (BMI is 36) and extra Vit D (not prescribed, just taking as have been as near as dammit housebound for a year with a back problem so probably not a bad idea - plus other countries advise much higher doses than the UK does).

Hi guys, I've just had a look in on here after a long absence and a name change, got too depressed and needed to get away from MN ad reading the MC threads etc. Would like to hang out here again with you all if that's ok? I'm 39, MC in March with our first attempt. Just back to ttc after body taking ages to be done with the MC, and am in 2ww but not hopeful, since, as others are saying it's hard for the guy to perform on cue. Will catch up on reading the massive backlog now!

hi one :) welcome. sorry about your shitty time :( Hope you can find a little home here with us, we are all up and down after our mcs too, but trying to ttc and jolly each other along a bit. Have you come out of your depressed episode ok? hope so, and if so some tips would be lovely :)

Hi Wild, thanks for the welcome. I think ttcing has helped with the depression, but can still tear up. It's still the first and last thing I think of, and I'm remided of it several times throughout the day... BUT it has got easier. I've started easing up on the unhealthy things (cigs, alcohol) I was doing too much of and have started eating a little more sensibly. The thing with depression for me was keeping active, whenever I found myself staring off into space I got up, even if I didn't know what I was going to do having got up and did something, even if it was to move the laundry basket! I was terrified of the trap of the accompanying lack of motivation and care, that's a slippery slope and that fear motivated me to move. That's not to say I didn't give myself enough time to cry and feel shitty... and really it's the ttcing that's moved me along enough to feel a little better. Sorry not to have better tips. I think, like you said above, that it will aways be with me, both the loss of the little one and the trauma of the event. There's a big difference betwen getting over something versus accommodating it into your sense of yourself. This will be more the latter for me. I think, like you, that I wished people would ask about it, I guess it makes them uncomfortable?

one that is so wonderfully helpful. I absolutely find myself staring. A LOT. I just zone out and go into myself, trying to work out how I feel, why i feel it and how I can get better. The I look up and DS has gone on the rampage. If I try and write about it to myself, to organise my thoughts, they wander off. I desperately want to get out of being this shit and am scared about 'disappearing' into it all . i find myself leaving jobs (simple household stuff) because i just can't be arsed/forget. i shall endeavour to be arsed from now on. seems like a good idea :)

I read about the stages of grief and the penultimate one is depression, the final one acceptance. I need to get to acceptance, accommodate it like you say. Though I would argue I have but... guess not?!

Definitely makes people feel uncomfortable! like any bereavement, people ask once or twice and only one or two will ask until they feel i am actually ok and they are just wonderful - and i thank them so much for asking. Can't wait to be pregnant again :)

ANYWAY less about me! how many dpo are you now? When are you going to test?! Are you a serial POASer or more chilled and like 'whatever'

Wild, I'm definitely a poas-er! I even took a pregnancy test a couple of days ago even though it would have been impossible to get a positive. And I search my body for symptoms, on day 6 dpo (which is a guess) I had cramping that might have been implantantion, and I'm (tmi alert) constipated like I was when I was pregnant last time. I want desperately to be pregnant again, and yet I fear when I do that I will just dread MCing again. I saw someone at work who'd MC'd and was pregnant again and she seemed so happy and I was in awe. Anyway, I think I'm 10dpo, maybe 9, today. We dtd those two days but the holiday travel got in the way of further attempts. When I got pregnant before it was from a one off dtd that month so I'm not concerned we didn;t dtd more, although that would be a comfort. We only started trying relatively recently, I was totally hey ho about it before, now I'm addicted to the thought and have stupidly pinned all my thoughts of future happiness on getting a child, being a part of that kind of life. I'm ready lifestyle-wise. What about you? Where are you in the whole process?

yay for poas and symptom spotting :) 9/10 dpo is exciting! when will you test?!

I am the same, even though it is crazy because I think I am pg every month! I don't want to poas early now though as i don't want to know if I am pg early unless i have to (going to get drunk) although this is the first month that would be the case! Am majorly impatient! have no hpts in the house though now so have to go a mile away to get one :)

I am on cd 11, likely to ov cd 17-19. I use opks as they work for me so will start on them tomorrow (yay, love to piss on a stick, me). I really want to be pg again but as this is our first cycle of trying post mc will probably only dtd a couple of times around the right time rather than loads like proper trying... still getting over the mc and into ttc again! Next month we might try more but, like you, we got pg with DS on one go and the last pg we caught easily so DH is confident that when we wants to he will get me pg again hehe! I am not so confident at all but will go with his optimism for now.

Am much better today in myself :) Haven't had the depression feeling yet hurray and have tried to be positive and busy. I so want to get better because I can't make a baby if I am depressed! Thank you for your help one!

I'm symptom spotting too, even though we've only dtd once this month. Dp is refusing :( Last pg we'd only dtd once in 2 months though so I can only hope the same happens again. I'm 10dpo according to FF and it seems to think af is due on Friday, so if it hasn't arrived by Sunday I think I'll poas. It'll probably arrive though so I shouldn't get my hopes up too much.

One that sounds like really good advice about getting up and doing something when the depression thinking starts. I know I'm better when I'm busy but when I stop and think then I feel depressed again, so it makes sense to keep busy.

wild yay for not feeling depressed today! And yay for properly trying this month, good luck!

Hello one, nice to meet you :) am very sorry to hear of your loss

Jo - we haven't dtd for 3 weeks tomorrow so it would have to be a miracle for us to have gotten pg this month, he's just not interested! never mind the baby making bit of it, I need to get me some!!!!!

Foof Mine isn't interested either. It's incredibly frustrating isn't it? I attempted to persuade him on Friday and Saturday but nothing came of it. Then Sunday he pretty much promised so I spent all day thinking of it but then by the time it got to bedtime I went to bed and he stayed up playing computer games for another hour. When he finally came to bed he was 'too tired' :(

Hi Jodidi and Foof, and thanks!

Wild, you made me laugh, if I could afford it I would probably happily poas every time I went. I think I'll test Monday, my cycles average 26 days, although that was before mc and I'm still in wtf stage, Monday will be day 27 (I think, this month has been guess work for reasons I won't go into!). It's hard to wait isn't it? I think the first part of the month is better because although I'm waiting I feel like I have a little control through working out when I'll ov and preparing for the possibility of getting pg! We both have had at least one experience of getting pg off a single session so that's good! I'm glad you're feeling better today. People successfully make babies in all sorts of emotional places, but it will be better for us all if we can get to feeling better.

Jodidi , what's "FF"? Re yours and foof's dp's refusing, mine nearly died trying, played all his cards trying to get out of it, he'd been super busy, was tired, hot, had been excercising a lot, needed to get on with other stuff - honestly, I told him 10 days in advance and I marked it on his calendar - why didn't he cancel some of his other plans??? I do genuinely feel sorry for them though. If I'm not in the mood it's not great but I'm baby focused so it doesn't matter. If they're not in the mood they have a lot of work to do to come up with the goods and that can be a fair bit of unhelpful pressure. I have to say I was a bit manipulative with him in the end ... we were heading off on holiday and I said that trying would leave me in a much better mood for the holiday than missing this month would so we just had to, in the end I think he just resigned himself... I thought back to when I was 18 how I never could have imagined then that I would have to practically beg someone to have sex with me at 39!

We will be poasing around the same time Jodidi, fingers crossed, you've also had a pg after one attempt... I find that comforting, do you? Sounds like you might be keeping your emotions in check a bit. I'm sure that's wise. I'm incapable of doing that unfortunately and therefore I'm worried about the BFN that might be heading my way in a few days. I've read others saying that the first BFN after MC and ttc'ing again can be quite upsetting.

FF is Fertility Friend, a website for charting temps etc. My dp is actually refusing because he doesn't want to ttc. Our last pg wasn't planned and he wasn't happy about it, as he doesn't want any more kids. I'm trying to have another 'accident', which I suppose is immoral but I'm not really that concerned about morality arm.

I've no idea why my DP is refusing, he says, not in the mood, tired etc. I helpfully pointed out that when HE is horny he usually gets his way even if I'm not really wanting to and also he is the one that wants to TTC (the mc pregnancy was unplanned and I was on the pill) not that I don't too now, but it took a lot for me to get my head round being pregnant before and obv the mc too that it was the last thing I wanted.
Have made him aware that there are only a few days each month I we could be successful and at my age (39 in a couple weeks) and history of unexplained secondary infertility that we need to be pretty on the ball with it all if we stand a chance. (said all this well away from the bedroom btw, wasn't all heat of the moment and make him deflate kinda thing!!) Whoever said men always want lots of sex was lying!!

And aside from that I am the kind of person who needs the physical showing of love to feel loved after having so many years of being denied affection and intimacy with exH.

One - my wtf cycle was 37/38 days. Also had lots of preggo symptoms, so unless I had a chemical that month which could be possible as we were at it like rabbits two weeks after the mc, it could have been hormones settling down, so be prepared for that.

am not ttc properly this month jo, will hopefully be next month :) Won't be avoiding anything though, and might engineer a bit of sexy around ov...

Think another 6 weeks might be good for my mental and physical health kick. DH is not into full on ttc yet, I think because I am clearly not over the mc he thinks I am a bit desperate... and this, ladies, is not sexy . As goes baby sex I might admit that I am happy to vaguely mislead DH into thinking actual sex week is the week after it actually is... so he thinks we are warming up when really we aren't! hehe! Then it takes the pressure off him and is like having nice sexy times anyway. he doesn't care how we make a baby, just would like to with minimum fuss (hence me hiding all opks and FF etc! he doesn't have a clue!)

your DP sounds very confused foof. he says he wants a baby but doesn't want to dtd... this must be so frustrating for you. do you think you need to have a heart-to-heart?

one my wtf cycle was 29 days, I was usually 32 days before the mc. i also had plenty of pg symptoms (even nausea) but put it down to general hormonal imbalance, i googled and it is quite common after a mc so be warned! Also I didn't find my BFN after the mc any more upsetting even though I really wanted to be pg. I did take heart from having AF and knowing my body was normal again though (though some people can be massively upset by this and hate being normal again).

i have been well today, and tomorrow I hope to go for a run. I know in my hear than when i am exercising and working regularly I will be fit and ready to have a baby. Am taking it slowly though and being sensible. It's nice!

Thanks for the advice re wtf cycles. I have not had more than week of no spotting/bleeding since mc,which was about 80 days ago. And sadly I started spotting again last night so I am not hopeful for this month. Still, I must be that bit closer.

Wild, glad you're feeling good and I like you're style re fudging dates of sex week!

Foof, how did you come around to the idea of having kids? It caught my attention as I was someon who up until a year ago would not have thought of wanting a child myself, I was the evil sort of person who tried to socialise with friends only after their kids were in bed, I did not do baby talk or coo, the only exception to this has been the most amazing kid ever born - my neice, then suddenly I woke up last year realising I was nesting and scared myself with the realisation of what I wanted. I think it as to be the bioogical clock, which I'd always thought was a myth, but suddenly I woke up to realise I wanted a family. Hope it's not too late!

I already have two grown up children with my exH one - one of whom is about to make me a Grandmother in August!!

arf have been up since 6am which is fine not fine but didn't go to bed till 1am! was having some holiday boozey time with DH having knackered DS out so much he went to sleep at 4pm?!

anyways we had chats and decided not to ttc this month, wait until next month and get our physical and mental houses in order to make a lovely healthy baby. We will stop drinking two weeks before ov time, (don't drink often anyway), exercise, I can lose some weight, and get to a place in work where I have either finished and am a chilled out SAHM (!) or managing my deadlines a-ok. And he said that next month I have his total commitment so EOD baby shagging it will be :) Hurray! Can't wait and have such a good motivator to get out of this depressive slump.

Hope you guys are ok x

Aw Foof, that's lovely. Having only come around to this quite late in the day I know I can't expect to see grandchildren, It's possible but that bit less likely! Hopefully any child I finally manage to carry to term wants to and gets on with it with my life as a lesson they learn from!

And Wild, what a great motivator! That's made me ant to think about what I could do similarly to keep on feeling better. Hope you get good night's sleep tonight!

one sharing your experience totally turned my depression around, I really thank you :)

Your comment that you don't let yourself sit when you start thinking, that you get up and make yourself do something - anything - was really really helpful. Firstly it helped me pinpoint how my depression was manifesting itself, that I was distracted and into myself and inert and this would get worse and worse (which I hadn't actually noticed, I just felt I liked being away from everyone) and secondly that I had a choice - that moving might not let it take hold. It has really helped so I have got to place where i can sit back and see how to make my life better and slowly move toward it. And every time i avoid the depressive thoughts by doing something I feel pleased, and therefore happier and more in control :)

anywho, thanks!

wild I wish I could persuade dp that we should start trying, you sound so sorted with your plan and it sounds like a really good motivation to feel better.

one the suggestion of getting up and doing something sounds really good, and it does seem to work most of the time, or at least it has for most of this week.

I'm having a bit of a down day today. I've been fine all week, just getting on and doing things, getting out and about. We've been out on walks, been to Beatrix Potter World, seen friends, started decluttering the house (didn't get very far, only did the hallway, but the hallway now looks nice). Today, we've only just got dressed at nearly 11am, I've let dd2 watch WAY too much tv, and I don't want to do anything. I'm going to force myself to take dd2 out in a bit, I think we might go to soft play as the weather's too rubbish to go for a walk or to the park. I suppose I should attempt to do something about the health hazard that is our kitchen too.

I'm symptom spotting like mad and I'm driving myself crazy because it's soooo unlikely. FF seems to think that af should be due today, and I know that for me I could be up to a couple of months late without it meaning anything (not that I would wait more than a few days without testing). I've been feeling faintly nauseous since Wed, I'm exhausted, I'm teary, I'm rather gassy . All of these could be symptoms of pg, or back in the real world I think I've picked up a mild bug or eaten something that disagrees with me.

snap on the low mood jo. been out shopping for DS for a lot of today, otherwise way too much tv here too. Wish i never had to get out of bed today.

Do you think you will test soon jo?!

Have AF type pain today which I normally get over ov, and had some spotting earlier... so thought i was oving early but opk says neg. strange business! am not fussed apart from wanting to know so I won't symptom spot for 2 weeks! Too mardy to dtd anyway hehe.

back to normal next week :( bobbins!

Evening all and hello one.

Sorry people seem to be having a low day today - I think the weather doesnt help, I was all chirpy last week with my summer dresses and flip flops and I have been a real cow today in my anorak!

Sorry to hear you DP hasnt come round to TTC jo, and that yours is not playing ball foof.I wish I knew what to suggest but I have enough problems getting mine to DTD and he does want to! I am technically on the 2ww now having ov'd Monday (I think anyway - though i am not too hot with the OPKs and spotting symptoms of OV) but only managed a Friday Shag before DH vanished for his boozy weekend. I am overly excited for someone who is in with only a minimal chance of a BFP (am clinging to the hope that I could have Ovd earlier than I thought?!?) (though am also very aware that I could have OVd later and be in with zero chance :( )

I have deactivated my facebook account having had yet another pregnancy announcement. It really feels like there are pregnany women literally everywhere and I should be one of them and I'm not. And its not that I dont want them to be pregnant, its just that I want to be too.

Anyway, its friday night and as I'm not pregnant.....cheers

Wild, your comment made me tear up! Thank you, that's really nice.

Nothing's constant, including a low mood and a technique for managing it. But I really heard that part about getting some control over it and I think that's what I felt I needed. For me it was almost as if this horrible thing happened to me so now everything would just "happen" to me, it wasn't a conscious decision, just a position I seemed to occupy, or that occupied me. I started to hear myself say "I don't care, whatever you want" and thought I needed to change my tune, even if I did not REALLY care, how could anything matter as much as what had happened, I needed to find a preference, even if it was a 49/51 split. I'm terrified I'm to old and that i will just have a string of MC's without any succcess and then have to find meaning in a different way. But I can't sit around under the weight of that fear for the next few years. Getting up and moving didn't take away the reality, but it added to my day in a positive way.

Anyway, I'm convinced (not in that fingers crossed behind the back way) that we have not managed it this, our first month trying, what was I hoping for???!!! Superman Sperm and Superwoman Egg leaping together to form Incredible Luck Child! I read on another thread about poeple getting positives 10 dpo and I tested yestery at 13 dpo and it was a bfn. I'll keep watching of course but last night I had friends over for dinner and drank most of a bottle of wine and had several cigarettes. I spent today hung over, tired, feeling rotten physically and easily moved/vulnerable emotionally. I have a premenstrual spot that should see me through. Am just about to pop myself into a bath, then PJ's and the sofa for some good old crap tv!

Jodidi, when is the earliest AF could be due? Did you say you are testing sunday or am I confused from someone on another thread? Bodies are so confusing! What a waiting game. What cd/dpo are you now? Have you been feeling tired/teary/nauseaus/gassy for a few days?

Hi Chuckle!

one I'm cd30 /13dpo, but no need to test now as I've been spotting this afternoon and am convinced af will arrive properly at some point tonight :( But yes it was me that said I would be testing Sun if af hadn't arrived.

Chuckle I am right there with you about other people being pregnant and wanting to be one of them. It's miserable. One of dp's cousins texted me today saying we need to meet up, I'm convinced she's going to announce another pregnancy. She knows about the mc and is the type to want to break it to me gently in person before going too public.

wild I wish I'd never got out of bed today as well. Hope you manage ok getting back to normal next week.

I went to soft play with dd2 and everywhere I looked there seemed to be pg women, or new babies. It also struck me while we were there that the last time we'd been there I had to make her come home because I started bleeding with the mc :( I should never have gone, I was miserable all afternoon.

Dp arrived home with a large box of condoms tonight, all proud of himself as he said 'now we can have sex without worrying about getting pg'. I could have thumped him!! So does anyone know how to make sure a condom splits? Or how to prick holes in them without being too obvious? Or even how to persuade a man that he really does want another baby (that would be my preferred option)? Or if all else fails how do I go about picking up men for unprotected sex a few times a month?

jo does your dp know how much you want another baby? I have no idea how to convince him to change his mind :( . Maybe you should sit him down and spell out how you feel (if he's anything like my dh you will have to speak very slowly and maybe draw a few simple diagrams to explain, then offer beer and nachos as a reward if he manages to listen!!) (I think a short test is a suitable way to check )It might not change his mind about ttc but i think its important he knows how strongly you feel about it. I can't imagine how upset you must have been when he turned up with the box of condoms, maybe he would have been more sensitive if he knew exactly how you feel??