After m/c - the [wine] and [shagging] thread

[FoofFighter]

Funthatisfunny, booboomonster, madeinchinababy - anyone else who's recently had a BFP sadly followed by a miscarriage - welcome [busmile]

Me - got a shock BFP on 5th March, had early scan at 9 weeks (after I talked to midwife about feeling something was wrong, lost symptoms) on Friday 6th April showing baby had died around 6-7 weeks. Our little Widget left me on Saturday 7th April thread here

I have been wonderfully supported here on Mumsnet but especially by the above people who are sadly going through the same thing right now or waiting to, very special people to be thinking of others at such a sad time for them and their partners.

Although the baby was unplanned and completely unexpected, we want to try. And time is against us as I am 39 in June. So here we are. I'm not sure if we'll wait a period of time or just see what happens but having had secondary infertilty with my now ex husband for 5+years I do NOT want to get het up on BBT, CM checking, OPKS.

So in talking with the lovely ladies we decided that other threads were quite well established and to start a new one based mostly on alcohol and sex

Anyone is welcome, just jump right in :)

Just found this link www.babyexpert.com/get-pregnant/conceiving/vitamins-boost-fertility-and-conception - so am going to carry on taking my Pregnacare and extra folic acid (BMI is 36) and extra Vit D (not prescribed, just taking as have been as near as dammit housebound for a year with a back problem so probably not a bad idea - plus other countries advise much higher doses than the UK does).

Chuckle that's awful, I don't know how you coped!! I went back to work 2 days after my erpc, but fortunately we then broke up for Christmas, I think I just walked around in a daze, I have no idea if the kids learnt a single thing in those 2 days! But I teach maths so we rarely discuss anything personal and therefore felt safe in my classroom. Over Christmas I almost wished I was back at work rather than being at home and having to think!!

Well done for sending the letter ice I am absolutely rubbish about following up on things like that, I've probably got several letters half written on my comp!!

Mace!! Mace!!! Genuinely lol'd at that!!

I guess I am on my 2ww, but terrified that AF won't come and I will have to see 'that' scan again. I'm not sure how you get through this again??

Anyway, I'd better fly just trying to find some resources for percentages.

Oh and so I think it must be the teacher in me that is pleased you're staying at uni - keeping your options open and all that

chellie I teach maths too, so glad we don't talk about personal things. Did you find any good resources on percentages? Mine are all a bit boring (or I'm bored with them, the kids are ok with them). I took the past 3 days off, and while I'm sort of glad I did, I need the distraction now.

so I'm glad you're staying at uni too. I always hate to see people give up on anything.

I've stopped thinking too much about my mc now. My sister has just been told she needs a brain scan! So scary! She can't even remember what the doctor said after that, and is now waiting for a date for the scan.

jo No decent resources :( or more a case of I got distracted and have just realised that I've been looking at shoes for half an hour!
I think we are in a similar position, my dp wasn't up for having a second when it all happened and I kind of thought that if he'd wanted it more.... but also if I hadn't gone out and got drunk with my friends ....
I hope tomorrow goes ok - if you can focus on anything with your sister's news as well. (Very scary).

Well I'm gagging for a glass of but just in case, I'm going to have a hot chocolate a get into bed.

wrigle maybe you should make an appointment just to check all ok.

It's quiet on here today, is everyone ok? I've made it through my first morning at school without crying, yay! I even managed to smile and be nice to kids getting their modular exam results back, jumping up and down and clapping for one child in particular who got a result 2 grades above his target (I won't mention the pupils that didn't quite make it to their targets, as our targets are set ridiculously high) The only time I almost cried was when my HT came across to my classroom to offer support and she gave me a hug. This is the woman that has never once in the 7 years I have worked with her shown the slightest bit of human emotion, she lives for her job and seems almost robotic in her demeanor, so a hug from her under any circumstances is absolutely incredible. She had to leave though cos she could see me welling up and she can't cope with crying.

I got a bfn this morning :( So it's definitely over with no baby and no hormones left. I don't know quite what possessed me to do a test on my first day back at work but I did. I half expected to get a bfp and find it was all a hideous mistake or that I'd been expecting twins and there was one still alive. I don't know why I imagine these things as it only sets me up for devastation disappointment when I have to acknowledge the reality again.

Hey jo congrats on your morning! well done you! and aw to your colleague.

Am not really thinking about my mc today so not been online as much, just been having a snooze and watching tv. I totally, totally understand your BFP/BFN quandary jo. I have my scan on Mon... and have started wondering 'what if' rubbish to myself :( Am going to get a pg test later i think to have an idea of my hormone levels though I know seeing any kind of bfp (which I definitely will) will make me very sad. i want to know if they have fallen significantly though, I think a fainter line/slower line would help me realise that I will mc soon as my pg symptoms are back in the past two days and I have had no cramping of any kind since sunday morning. Bloody headfuck all this, so totally get your hope there was some kind of mistake :(

I think I have turned a bit of a corner mentally as I haven't really cried over the mc for a couple of days (cried yesterday numerous times but def hormonal about stupid stuff) and even did a healthy shop today and have started thinking about exercising again. Am starting to look up from staring at the ground I think. Although I did nearly cry in co-op at having to decide what soup to buy and chicken sooup reminded me of when I (thought I) was pg. chuh.

yay for 2ww chellie. exciting times :)

Nothing much to report here aside from RAGE! setting in again. I think I made a mistake in thinking I could read the preggo boards again!!

Funny monday must seem like so very far away I can't imagine having to hang around like that, it's plain cruel. Will you be having more words?

Well done jodidi - the first day is over with and its always the hardest. I had another difficult set of questions from my class today while I was teaching them about egg / sperm formation but felt fine with it and actually had quite a mature class discussion with them about stuff that should have upset me but didnt so am really feeling quite together today. I even had a colleague ask me when I was going to have another one (we have a 19 month old DD) and I just laughed and said we might think about it one day if we ever get a minute alone together!

Did you do your pg test so? I hope the weekend passes quickly for you so you can get your scan - your have been in limbo for so so long now.

Foof - Step away from the pregnancy boards......

Well done avoiding the chellie - I suppose I am on the 2ww now (though to be honest I have no idea what my body does or when it does it so I could be wrong) but I am going to have a glass of tonight (and the last easter egg) while I watch the apprentice we recorded last night. Rock 'n' Roll!!!

monday very far away foo but tomorrow I will be busy with DS all day and the weekend is the weekend. I hope to get childcare for DS on monday morning this time so I don't have to mouth to DH that it's all fucked over the heads of pregnant ladies awaiting their 12 week scan again.

I did a pg test chuckle, once i get something in my mind I just can't let it go even if I know it is dumb, dumb, dumb. Stupid thing to do, was the strongest test yet so obviously the hormones are not declining very slowly :( I did kind of hope that 4/5 weeks after bubs apparently didn't grow (would be over 9 weeks now) that the test line would come up fainter or slower but was bam! right there.

Now I have my head full of shit ideas that maybe baby was hiding and thinking about my pg symptoms of late (which of course I would have, having a strong pg test and no sniff of a mc yet even tho the pregnancy has failed). In all honesty it is so crap because I KNOW this pg is over and yet I feel so lovely and happy and pg... and just having the sacn there to check, just to check on last time... makes me have a smidgeon of delusion hope :( at least the pregnancy will end on a good note instead of the horrid sickness dizziness and cramping of a couple of weeks ago. good memories.

No foo I am not angry. Actually, i would have hated to have had my impulsive way and be able to mc with tablets when they still had the guideline - what if I looked back and was like 'what if'? She said there were too many isntances over the last year to not follow the 20mm rule. I will get the tablets on Monday and DH will have tuesday off to look after DS (he is in childcare anyway but will need to be taken and picked up) then it will be OVER. The waiting and watching is doping my head in and with such a wonderfully strong test obviously the hormones are falling insanely slowly.

I stupidly read the pg board again today too! I am glad I am not on the 'gone but not forgotton' list , I would just want to be left alone to move on tbh. As it is I think I am left on the original stats list but as I am not funny any more (and never will be again as was only made up for this pg and makes me sad) it doesn't feel like moi. Feel free to vent your rage (and support for aforementioned list!) if you want!

yay for wine and the apprentice chuckle. I watched it last night, all I will say is... wtf.

Gone but not forgotten list?? wtaf is that?? No my rage was at a post on pregnacare, nothing serious but it pissed me off when people cannot read the FUCKING GREAT BIG INSTRUCTIONS ON THE BOX so had an unreasonable moment thinking if you can't even read it you don't deserve... etc but I soon slapped myself out of it by remembering that I don't know their stories and struggles.

We are planting a rose bush this weekend at the IL's that friend's sent us for Widget :) I've just sorted out my tests, and my scan picture and put them in an envelope with instructions to not throw away on and put them away. Felt do sad looking at those test lines, they were so strong! How can something so strong not have been right to survive??!

They did scan your tubes didn't they So??

Does anyone know if we can ovulate before this bleeding stops?

And where is Wrigle? Bit concerned after the post about the bleeding...

arfins, never fear peeps I am back on the mc track. Did mental for an hour that maybe I do have a baby but then re-read all the BO stories on tinternet and of course i think I am pg because my placenta is growing, not any chuffing invisible baby! D'oh. you gotta hope a little little smidgeon little bit though Yep they looked at mah tubes. Didn't tell me shite though, of course.

Erm, the rather annoying lovely gesture by our AN compadres was to put a little list of the people who have mced under their normal EDD stats list. Ahem, I wouldn't like being on it, would feel like rubbing my face in it a bit and I haven't died and I would not like to be defined simply as the person who 'failed' while bumps are preened over the next 7 months... but then I am an arsy, over-sensitive cow :) I am sure it is just lovely.

come back wrigle indeedy.

Don't know about bleeding foof but who knows? Is it just a weeny bit? Are you going to get any opks?

foof forgot to say about your lovely rose bush. just lovely. Hope you are ok. I have my first proper BFP in my bedside drawer and expect it will stay there forever. Don't know where to put it else and like having it close! Am completely crackers, but I love that piss stick.

Totally know what you mean about the lines foof :( My line today was so strong, came up so fast and it is all a fecking joke. Can you believe if people ttcing and asking about false positives knew about this? MN would implode with all the mentalling!

One thing I take away from this is that I reckon my body obviously really likes to hang on to babies once it thinks there is one. Chucking out those save-the-baby hormones. hmmm.

Noooooooo, wine n shagging is all. Minus the wine and plus a blindfold and some rope though maybe yes weeny bit now. Mostly pink water with occasional brown swipe.

Oh wowsers. No I'm not happy about that list at all. Are we all on it?!

it's too easy to get carried away and hoping, I am even doing it on your behalf

x posted. Are BO's what used to be called phantom pregnancies in the "olden days"? Cannot imagine the shock of getting to 9 months and umm... nothing...!

noooo foof BO pregnancies rarely last beyond 12/13 weeks, most abort the mission then I think. Phantom ones were psychological (had a few of those myself on the 2ww!) Apparently aren't even called BO any more as sometimes you can have made an embryo but, yuk, your body absorbs the embryo. i don't like that thought at all though most peeps seem to get comfort from it.

er, I am not on the list but all you other nov duebies are. eek I feel like I have put my foot in it! Is a well patronising list-of-death but most certainly means well. If they do put me on it (i haven't gone and told them my tale of woe. I don't like the way so many seem to say sorry to whoever says they mc'ed then in the same breath go on about their symptoms! It would upset me to be so dismissed!) I shall ask them to take me off (and make peeps cross but, whatevs).

yes, fucking internet giving me hope that my baby is just 2 weeks behind and growing slowly. It isn;t and I know why, because even if my symptoms do come and go I still cannot 'hear' said bubs. Just silence. Dreading the effing scan :( but if I get tabs, and can start to put this behind me... ah, to breathe again and grieve and then ttc...

I don't know if I will be able to stay away from opks... I love knowing stuff! need to know! Especially with wonky cycles! Gosh I hated ttc, dreading going back to knackered SWI!

Foof stay away from the pg boards!!! They will only make you angry and sad :( I can't believe how many people are completely clueless and always find myself thinking that I deserved my baby more than they deserve theirs. Then I give myself a shake and remember that when I had dd1 I was one of the stupid ones that really didn't deserve my baby (I was a young single mum with no job and had to come home to live with my parents when I split with her sperm donor father), but I got to keep her and I am glad every day that I did.

Your rose bush sounds lovely. We planted ours on Saturday, and I only noticed today but dp talks to it every time he walks past, he pointed out that it's growing new shoots and has the start of some buds too, all I could do was cry. I don't want a bush, I don't want it to be growing, I want my baby to be growing :( I don't have anything to remember this baby by other than the bush though, I didn't keep my tests, I didn't get as far as having a scan, I hadn't bought anything for it yet. I made dp put the maternity clothes back up into the loft, I can't keep looking at them, I'd only just got them out when the mc happened.

sovery I'm sorry you got such a strong bfp. It must be heartbreaking for you. Mine were all (4 of them) very strong too and I thought that meant it would all be fine, if the hormones were that strong. Now we know better though :( I hope you feel better after Monday, I would be fantasising wondering about mistakes too in your position.

The 'gone but not forgotten' list sounds hideous to me. There is no way I want to be on a list like that. I realise that they think they are being supportive but I share the view that it feels like they're rubbing noses in it.

chuckle I'm glad you're feeling together today. That must be a very difficult topic to teach when you're going through this. I assume you teach science.

I managed to hold it together all the way through school today. I'm not convinced the kids learnt anything at all, as I had not a clue what I was supposed to be teaching them but I didn't cry which was my aim for the day. I did however cry when I got home. Dd2 didn't want to go to bed, and normally I would just stay with her and read stories til she falls asleep, but today I completely lost it and stormed downstairs to tell dp he had to take over. And I'm having phantom kicks :( I know it's muscle twitches, and I know it's due to a magnesium deficiency as I get it a lot, but they are all where the bump would be and I find myself rubbing it and realising that all I'm rubbing is flab rather than baby :( I'm feeling very down tonight, and I have 56 year 10 reports to write by next Thursday :(

sovery I'm staying well away from opks. They don't work for me, apparently I'm always ovulating when I know I don't ovulate very often at all. I shall just be shagging whenever I can persuade dp to do it. And attempting to persuade him that another baby is really a good idea. I don't think it's very fair to be ttc without his knowledge or consent, but I think I might if he doesn't come round soon.

jo yes I was definitely stupid on my pg board with DS and i definitely felt relief whenever anyone mc'ed because it meant statistically I was more safe :( Such a twat, and am grateful for this experience because it has made me more human and kind and aware.

anyway! moving on!

jo well done at school. what a nightmare for you. I totally understand you about the bush but do think it is gorgeous that your DP talks to it and it is growing... though see how that might be annoying for you. like my fucking bump and hunger and positive pg tests - fuck off growing and mocking me! A bush or tree wouldn't work for me because i couldn't give it a cuddle! isn't it funny how we all have our little 'things' we need to give us comfort but that are so different.

OPKs are a very personal thing. they worked wonderfully for me but I know that for loads of peeps they are shite and they do mess with your head. And they can only indicate so should never be relied upon anyway; we concieved when I ditched the opk (ok I secretly did two around the time I thought i would be ovulating just to see if we could stop shagging yet we would hit the target!)

boobs are really sore today. Am just so happy though because I have my DS with me today and we are going to make pizza, my pg hormones are making me more positive and this time next week it will, more likely than not, be OVER and I can move the fuck ON! :) :) :)

ps jo hope you are feeling a bit better today x

Morning guys x

I've thought about it and although I am not there to see it I am going to pm one of the November lot to ask they remove me. I know know know they meant well and that most people would be ok with being remembered but to me it's like an obituary

Jo, sending you a hug x

So, I can't look at pizza any more. I ate lots of margherita pizza as you may recall but now I can't look at it, almost sobbed in Asda the other day when I saw them

DTD again last night, was a bit more uncomfortable this time, I think maybe am a little bruised/tender still from mc? I wonder if I am gearing up to ov as my breasts feel a little fuller today.

Is anyone up to anything nice this weekend? We are staying over at the IL's tonight and then tomorrow we'll plant our rose bush. I think we are going out on the town tomorrow night with some friends, am in two minds about it. I want to just hide and stay at home and be cosy with OH but also want to get back to normal too. Am just scared. I think I need to force myself to not refuse any invitation otherwise I'll become a hermit.

Afternoon,

Just eaten a significant quantity of DS1,2&3 Easter eggs - don't want them to get fat. On a bit of a sugar high I suspect.

Just caught up on the threads - foof when I got my last blood result, I asked the EPU nurse if I could ovulate whilst still bleeding and therefore with HCG in blood still. She said it was unlikely but always possible; more likely with really low HCG in double/single figures. Which, thinking about it, didn't really help at all! I wondered whether I'd ovulated last weekend, just by the change in CM but don't think I have. My MW did tell that it is possible to ovulate just by having an orgasm! Been dtd (lots - DH can't believe his luck), just in case...

sovery totally understand what you mean about the pg tests and lines. I took a Clearblue digital on holiday, and 4 days into bleeding it still pinged up 3+. It took another week before levels dropped to 2-3, and last week I still came up as 1-2. BFN on the Boots one this morning. It is the most frustrating thing - and really upsetting as your hopes are constantly being raised that maybe, just maybe, you will be the one that survives. Monday doesn't sound like fun, but I don't suppose you will be told anything worse than you've heard already if you see what I mean? Have you got someone going with you? Hang on in there and I'm glad you are set to have a lovely day today. I think that is a really good way to get through things - try to concentrate on the positives and good things.

jo and chuckle I hope you're having good/better days today too. School kids behaving themselves and not getting that Friday feeling too soon in the day.

Sun's out. My washing is actually drying. Haven't shouted too loudly at the kids yet. Curry and bottle of wine tonight. Splendid. Have a good weekend all!

foof sounds good that you are going out. i think you will more likely get something from it than not, but understand why you want to stay in. Is like any grief, i just recoil from loud happy places ;0) And i feel the same as you about the pg food - I did my online shopping yesterday for the first time since I found out and my ongoing list was full of my pg orders of cheese topped white buns etc :( boo. Know what you mean about obituary! so weird!

ice monday will be fine thank you for your kind words. I am fine about it and looking forward to having something DONE. I don't mind now about the mc, I have come to terms with the loss of my baby and am planning stuff i am really looking forward to so that is all great. Just want to get it over with now :(. Monday will be horrid because the scan room has three+ women in it and is tiny and busy and they talk about me over my head; I have to go in alone cause they won't let DH in with DS; DS plays up when we are there and we have to wait an age so I am snappy and pissed off and hating it, and the scan is very impersonal and lengthy and horrid. i never want to go back to that hospital for a scan so am going to say, for my next pg, that i want my baby in the other city then change my mind about the HB after the 20 week scan. I can never, ever have a scan in that room, with those drs, again!

Doing naff all this weekend, is meant to rain, rain, rain and I am sooooo tired! Zonking tonight and talking holidays with DB, probably take DS to pets at home tomorrow to see the animals (! oh yeah!) and read the paper all day :)

We're definitely going out tonight, for a meal and drinks (only one or two for me though) with 2 other couples (wow that sounds all grown up rather than our usual going to the pub) have got hair dye on, I did my nails yesterday and I'm having reverse nesting and throwing everything away that isn't nailed down while waiting for the hair to finish. My head's itching
no idea what to wear. have lost half a stone the last few weeks so at least my nice going outy jeans should fit properly now, just hope they are clean and not shoved at the bottom of the washing pile!

Almost dtd last night, then remembered were in the IL's spare bed and I didn't want any marks left behind so aside from that we're roughly sticking to the every 3rd day that I think should be enough to catch an egg at the right time?

We took the rose bush over but due to weather didn't get to sorting it out. FIL said they'll buy a nice pot for it to go in :) even though there are other pots lying around I think they've realised it is special and as such should have a fancy new pot :)

have good days/nights/weekends everyone x

oh ps So that matter is being sorted for me