Fantastic 40+ thread - part 6

[Curlylox]

Over here everyone

I'm so sorry for what you're going through Gum (and you too Inca ). It is such a disappointing, heart-breaking thing that you are going through. Please don't make any decisions yet about future ttc-ing, just take your time to get over this as best you can. On paper you have more chances of things working out in the end than not, but that doesn't of course take into account your emotions and how wretched you must be feeling. Thinking of you xxx

Hello ladies. 42 nearly 43 with 1 DD aged 4 and TTC for last two years. 11 weeks plus 3 with a MMC. Big sac but nothing in it. Third miscarriage in last year. I found out last week at a ten week scan that this PG failed, and just waiting for it to happen naturally. Thought I knew what MC is all about as this is my fourth, but MMC is its own special kind of torture as have had all the symptoms for weeks including really bad nausea and never suspected anything was wrong until a tiny bit of bleeding, hence the scan. Am going to the Recurrent Miscarriage clinic at St Mary's in a couple of weeks to see what might be causing all the problems. Still desperate to have a sibling for my DD so guess I want to join!!

tazpat good luck with your appointment in a fortnight.

Incaminka and Gum and Mrscupcake - you lot are amazing - so tough.

Can I join too - I've just turned 41, (I'm going to call myself a newbie but in fact I joined but dropped off under an earlier name as I was wanting to get pregnant again at 40 but I had a really hard time job wise so had to concentrate on paying the bills). I have a toddler and I think I am pregnant I have done four tests - all faint lines.

I think that my period is/was due for the end of May so I did one of those tests (actually four of them) . I'm worried that it might just be a false alarm but I have done all four tests. A faint line still matters right?

The thing is that I realise that it may be a chemical pregnancy BUT my fingers and feet are really swollen - which happened with my first pregnancy - and I keep falling asleep.

We only tried 2 times this month and can't remember the dates.
We only decided to try again mid-May although I've been wanted another baby for a year I guess I kind of freaked out about my age.

I don't want to jinx it but then again maybe this baby will stick.

The only reason I really bought the pregnancy kit was I thought I had better buy those ovulation sticks and some tampons and it was my toddler who came up to me and said = mummy you have a baby in your belly - I really do hope so! I'm in shock!

Inca and tazpat, I'm so sorry for your losses. This ttc in our forties business is not for the fainthearted.It seems to require a great deal of courage,patience and emotional strength.

I know now I'm definitely having a miscarriage,or chemical as I am having what looks like a normal period.Thankfully,there's no cramping and it is physically easy. I think mmc are so cruel. My first mc was a mmc, I had a couple of weeks still feeling pregnant,making plans,and even making the announcement on Christmas morning to my kids, only to start bleeding later that day.Then I had a scan which indicated that my baby had died very soon after I'd seen him,with a "healthy" heartbeat on a scan at 8 weeks.

I just don't know if I want to get back on the horse again. The trouble with being this age is that you can't really take 6 months off to think about it.It seems to be all I've thought about in ages, and getting the BFP is supposed to be a celebration and also a great release - no more ttc, which is so stressful.

If there's ever another time, I certainly won't be looking at a bfp in the same way.

Tazpat, I hope you can get some answers.

I had a whole lot of tests done which were inconclusive, I think my issue is age related.At least the tests told me that I had an auto-immune condition, which hasn't made itself known yet, and I can do some things to prevent it from coming on. Had I not had the miscarriages, I wouldn't have known about it and may not have changed my diet etc.

I do wonder why we have to endure this. I mean, I know why physically, as I am older, but spiritually,I wonder why there is such an overwhelming desire to try so hard for something when the odds are against me, when my Dh doesn't want to do it, when I already have a bunch of kids, when I've already been lucky to have a baby in my forties...why can't I just accept this and move on to the next stage of my life? I probably need a pyschologist

Unfortunately I have this nagging feeling that I can't move on until I've had one last baby, but surely I can change the way I think?

Sorry, I'm hijacking the thread with my emotional woes.

Feel free to ignore me

Sorry to hear that Gum - I think you've hit the nail on the head though as it's something I've been thinking of too. I feel not too bad this time and can hardly believe it's only been a couple of weeks, but I know that will pass and I'll get back to having that need.

I've certainly wondered the very same things. I'm surrounded by women - some younger than me - who are delighted that their kids will be leaving soon and are looking forward to doing their own things in their own time. Whereas I don't have anything like that - I just want children around me. I know I'm lucky to have the ones I have, and that however many I have I'll always have to face up to the next stage of my life, so I do think it's psychological. I have nothing else I want to do. I have a busy, successful career - and I could walk away from it tomorrow; it means nothing. I could do most of the things I wanted to, allowing for health issues and the fact that I'm not a millionaire, and there is absolutely nothing on the list.

I think it's a basic fear of getting old for me. I have loved this stage of my life and just want it to go on and go. I definitely need to face up to facts, but it's very hard.

Look after yourself x

I just wanted to leave a post for Incaminka - sorry to hear about your scan.

Sorry to hear that Gum as well.

I am lurking on here atm mostly. Miscarried at 7 weeks a few days ago - first confirmed pregnancy at nearly 43. Just hoping that my ageing body has got a couple more decent eggs left somehow. :(

Gum I am so very sorry.

Twirly and Inca - I am so sorry for you too. ,

Lots of bad news on here at the moment.

Welcome movelikejagger wishing you all the best.

gothinrecovery and tazpat welcome and so very sorry for your losses.

Hello Mrscupcake

Hugs to hippy, knicky, Diege, Miaalexandersmummy , lol, Blackcat, Jolly, Sparkly, Tina, angelgeorgie, Shandy, BBand all.

Gum sorry xxx
Inca sorry cx
Hi all ; hope all are well? Enjoying the sun?
We re good , took Phebs to her first theme park today; love it..
Love to all ( hi Italian, Diege, Lol, Hippy & Shandy xxxx )

Much love to all the 40+ ladies who have suffered losses or received bad news. XXXXXXX

I'm so sorry to read about the sad news. I know only too well how disheartening and overwhelming the feelings are.

For whoever asked about keeping going after multiple losses (this is my 7th pregnancy and I only have one child) I think it's something you just have to weigh up, are the cons of another loss worth the possible positive outcome. Someone (LunaticFringe I think) once likened it to buying a lottery ticket if the odds were only 50% of success, or only 25% or whatever. You'd still buy it. Now I'm not trying to compare a losing lottery ticket to the pain of an MC. I've had MMCs and early losses, ERPCs and natural resolutions and all have been difficult to come to terms with, but I felt I had to keep going (though I had "set" a deadline of June actually as that would have been 3 years TTC. Whether I would have extended it when the time came...?)

blackcats, what may be different this time is that I had been taking DHEA for a sufficient amount of time for it to have had effect (about 8 months) and also Agnus Castus for about 4 months. Nothing else on timing of SWI or diet or anything was different. Maybe this was just the right egg. Who knows.

Thinking of you all x

Hi Gothin and gum, hugs.
Gothin, this would be my 1st baby too if I get lucky again. Three mmcs, 6 weeks, 14 weels (that was tough) and now 8 weeks. And as we all know, no time to hang about at42, either get trying or give up. I'm trying again because I don't want to look back with regrets. Meanwhile off worl, with wine siamese cats and hens including brand new little polish frizzle - looks like she's on her way to Ascot! Boy that codeine is strong!!!! By the way, does italiangreyhound actually have one? I've always wanted one! (Hic.)

Hugs back Inca, fingers crossed for us both. I am on the wine too! So sorry to hear about your previous losses. I had a suspected mc in October at what would be about 4+4 but never bothered to test so was never really sure. (pretty certain now it was one now I know I have been pg this time)

Went back to work today. Probably the right decision. Doc signed me off for 2 weeks but keeping the brain occupied seems to be helping.

Yes, back to work Wednesday. Welcome distraction. The names thing always hurts, so novel writing and cat breeding helps sublimate that one! Bit worried I'll have a baby and all names used up! Lol. Hope your wine is good as mine.... :-)

Hello all, I'm crashing and hope that's ok. Been reading for a bit.

Firstly, so sorry for all the bad news recently, it really is a rough road.

I wanted to see if I could get some advice or points of view, considering the wealth of TTC experience here. Again, I hope this is ok.

I'm a cheeky 39 and three quarters. It was in part the approach of the fab 40s that prompted me to take another look at enaging with the slim chance of shagging that makes a baby. We have been married a long time and always wanted kids, never saw a biological child as the neccessary route and have an adopted child who is now a toddler. He is another reason for the renewed efforts, yes the sibling thing.

I'm better educated than I have ever been, ovuluate each month if my chart is to be be believed, take EPO for my rubbish CM (not that much/any difference noted). Great, fresh, home cooked diet and pretend to drink a bit less wine. We do time 'shag week' because it just wouldn't happen with the comical idea of just having sex throughout cycle.

So, I figure we are doing what we can. Here's the thing: I know I don't want IVF and live in a part of the world where all meds are grossly overprescribed and aggressively administered (and private of course). We had all basic checks done when I was 35, no issues found, no diagnosis. The whole process was a mess and stressful (this in the US). I was told repeatedly that I 'just wasn't having enough sex'. I think we can all agree this is more than annoying but I kind of hold out a little bit of hope this could be part of our issue - hence shag week. Is there a good reason for us to go and have more tests? I know that things can change but I I'm questioning the value of the information, in the context of it being a stressful process in itself particularly in an environment where I feel that a 40 year old who doesn't want IVF will be seen as a bit of a joke. Could anyone guide me as to what I'm likely to learn and want if any age-related tests could be useful to me. Is it just a case of, we could get some really crappy results and concede that I should put TTC out of my mind?

I know I could have started a thread for this, but have been meaning to introduce myself here.

Wishing all well.

Hello Purpledragon - I'm a bit of an interloper here too but do like to come and say hello to everyone here and wish them all the best.

There's lots to say in answer to your very interesting post. The 'having a lot of sex' thing is a myth. You just need to have sex near ov - and only once if that's what suits you! In fact I spent about a year having a lot of sex EOD before we discovered that my partner's sperm count wasn't great. Then I fell pg in mid April and that month we waited 5 days before sex right on time for ovulation.

It's wonderful that you are parents to a lovely toddler already - is a second adoption something you are also considering?

Like you, we didn't want to go for IVF, mainly because I was scared of the meds. Also, I had my first child with my partner very easily (little did I imagine it would take well over a year for this one) when I was 38, so it seemed unlikely that IVF would improve the odds. By the time I fell pg I was about to cave in and throw money at ICSI - I was v lucky that we were pipped at the post by a BFP. Having said that, we did everything else we could think of to help ourselves diet etc. I had all the tests last year to rule myself out as the issue (despite commments from health professionals about my age and my eggs!) then finally nagged DP into going for a test so I could stop having a go at him about his alcohol intake (moderate-ish but daily). When he got poor results he finally agreed to ditch the booze and I sent him for acupuncture, which I'd had with first pg and was having again for fertility. 12 weeks of DP's new lifestyle and we fell pg.... I'm not saying this is necessarily the answer for everyone, as we are all different, but I just thought it might help. Of course, I appreciate that at 40.6 I have a long way to go before this baby is born and as I'm only 8wks pg everything is far from guaranteed but I am over the moon to have finally cracked the egg after about 18 cycles of being fertile but not getting anywhere. I'm aware that you have hoped for a family for years - so I do wish you the very best of luck, whichever way you go. Btw - I had the AMH test result and a follicle count - it was quite positive so that gave me encouragement to keep trying. However, you're right about it being stressful, and I'm not sure how I would have felt if I'd had bad results. Also I know women who have had babies who would have had low AMH results if they'd ever tested (ie, one friend who was 45 with first DC and never tested, and one lady who is quite young and got a v bad AMH result and still fell pg quickly afterwards), so take that as you choose but it does seem like the results were pointless. However, if we'd never tested DP we wouldn't be pg now, so I do believe that personally I need the information about our joint fertility. I was going pretty bonkers TTC2 though, especially as DS had come along the second month of moving in with DP and we could have done with a bit of time getting cosy together first. It's sod's law eh? But I'm not really complaining; I feel incredibly blessed to have my family.

Good luck and sorry if that doesn't answer your questions.

How are all you other ladies? Sorry to hear some sad histories for some of you - you have my thoughts and I do hope that your dream comes true.

gum Twirly and inca hugs to you all, so sorry things haven't worked out.

gum I know exactly what you mean about it being all you think of, I can't go a day without feeling waves of sadness despite the fact I'm doing everything I can to (a).try and live my life and think of other things (b). as 'helpful' friends have told me be grateful for what I have and (c). trying hypnotherapy, acupuncture, getting on the list for donor eggs etc etc

you ladies on here are the only ones that are able to understand and aren't judgemental in telling me I need to get on with my life and be thankful and to stop obsessing....I don't need reminding about this, I am thankful but I still want what I want and nothing can change that at the moment - I know it would be healthier to focus on other things but right now I'm not ready to!

Anyway rant over! Welcome to all the newbies, you'll find this thread a great source of information and support as all the ladies here are lovely :-)

Hi clicking, I remember when you posted re your BFP, great to hear from you again and thanks a lot for replying. I'm thinking I should a doctor a friend sees, just for smear test, which I'm due for and see what I think. I know he is an IVF dude, but thats pretty normal here.
My other half is open to the idea of getting another SA (was fine before), could have changed of course but our life styles haven't changed since the last one. Yes, I agree even the results don't tell the whole story and I think that it would take some really bad results to give up completely.
Would be most happy to adopt again but we are not able to start another adoption process in the next year or two, hence the attempts at a 'home made' version.

I thought it was you Purple - sorry to repeat story on you. I'm sorry re' adoption but I guess you could have fun trying instead. From everything you've shared I would say tests are irrelevant. Wishing you tonnes of good luck and I do hope it's a fun time for you rather than a hard one. Xxx

clicking thanks again, your story is most welcome and the very best of luck to you. It's fun and horrid, interesting and sad, confusing and crazy-making and everything else. Depends on the minute hour day. X

Thanks tina - I think we're probably all pretty harsh on ourselves. I do know I'm lucky to have my kids, and I do know it's ridiculous to think I can do this again at my age, but I would never in a million years apply those same standards to someone else. In fact, I don't think I would even think that way about them. I feel so much for anyone else who is on this path, no matter how many children they have - but, when it comes to me, I absolutely believe that it is appalling that I whinge about this when there are people who have lost their children. My miscarriages don't even begin to compare to that - yet, if they were someone else's losses, I would be a damn sight nicer about it all!

Right - the mood is low, here in the snug. We all need a trip to a virtual spa so we can chill out, recap and recuperate. Now, I'm not suggesting one of those healthy regime ones. I think something a little more self-indulgent is required. Please reveal your favourite spa locations (plus fav treatments) and I'll book.

I'd like an cellulite massage treatment, an anti-ageing eye lift facial and a pedicure. Oh, and some bucks fizz with my strawberries.

Hippy please may we borrow the helicopter?

That's me stuck lol - hate spas/facials/massages, and would probably faint if I had to go in a helicopter! Can I opt for a pile of good books and a free session with Zita West?

Lovely idea. Thanks for sorting Lol. Not too bothered where we go so long as it has an outside pool. I'll have an Ayuvedic body and head massage, mani and pedi. See you on the patio for bucks fizz and strawbs.

lol lovely idea...
I love it here please and will go for the Quenched and Drenched facial, the I'll be back, and Footprints in the Sand. Tvm. I'd also like some fresh fruit salad, and a cranberry, ginger, lime and mint mocktail... :)