The all new rat smacketers thread, this way for a 2012 BFP we are BROOKING NO ARGUMENT

[farfallarocks]

Just wrote a blardy long message before getting the 'thread full' message so here we go.................

Oh Far I am so sorry. I hope things seem more positive in the morning, I am sure they will, sleep can work wonders.

Pomme so lovely to see you. How is Aubers? I haven't seen her for ages. Can't believe it's been 30 weeks, it's crazy!! How are you?

Musical such wise words, you are very right. DH and I had a heart to heart over the phone, and we both got a bit emotional. I am going to go into work late tomorrow so we can have a cuddle in bed.

Biscuits I only got in half an hour ago, so no pampering or vino for me. But it is nice to be home!

Just marking my place ladies, will return tomorrow to chat. Have skim read todays posts on the old thread and am so sorry that a few of you are having a hard time , big hugs. xx

Far - firstly,please don't leave. I don't know what to say re DH. No sensible suggestions. However, no decisions now. Can you sit down and discuss thus with a third party? Even a counsellor or a gp if yours is decent?

Also, is DH if the meaningless but grand gesture sort? Is he posturing? Finally is he having problems getting it up? If so, he probably feels pretty shitty and us doing the typical male thing of literally shutting down the situation. This is, of course, no help to you. But rather than take such drastic measures, could the gp prescribe some Viagra? Even as a placebo if ge just takes a teeny bit? I'm not sure if the is feasible. But might be worth looking in to.

I agree with you though that you need to sit down with him and discuss things very frankly - including how he interacts with you re this. It is really emotive but you're meant to be a team working together to a shared goal. If he really, really doesn't want that he needs to do the decent thing and tell you.

FWIW, I suspect performance worries maybe at the root of thus and if you can sit down with the gp where everyone has to Bevin their best behaviour and honest it is sortable b

It does sounds rather engineered you are right.

I feel utterly desperate and desolate tonight that he might take this away from me. He has assured me its not that he does not want to have kids (i pressed him on that hard, I said I needed to know) just that he thinks we need to take the pressure off and its too much.

GP might be the way forward, I don;t know, I am fed up of having to find the solutions all the time

But what does that mean -"take the pressure off"? Can he explain? Is it having a total break for six months? Shagging when he feels like it? How old are you - is it feasible to wait?

Sorry - millions of questions which you probably don't feel lime answering. However, from a total outsider's perspective, he needs to give you more specific answers so that you - as a couple - can decide what to do x

far so sorry your evening got worse, I do hope things are a bit better this morning. I don't really have any useful advice - its a bit too early in the morning, but I'm sending (((hugs)))

Morning all, been busy in RL last few days - back now though. Loving the new thread, have whizzed through catching up.

Far my heart goes out to you, I also send you {{hugs}} and {{more hugs}} my dear.

Maybe sorry to hear you are going through it too, hope the cuddle with DH this morning was lovely and cheered everyone up.

Waves to everyone else.

I have been leant a copy of Zita West's Guide to Getting Updiffed Pregnant - anyone else read it? Am working from home today going to the dentists so might have a flick through between during telephone meetings.

Chins up ladies and onwards to those shiny BFP and graduation to the vomitorium clutching at our glittery buckets for all we are worth.

Morning all! Thanks Sweetie it has helped no end. We are going to have a proper chat tomorrow as I am bunking off work and over the weekend to talk through things. He has assured me he wants a baby more than anything, he is just worried about the practical stuff But I am keeping my fingers crossed that we will carry on TTC but try and be more positive about things. We have also both agreed that we need to make more time for 'us'. Silly though that sounds, by the time we have gotten in from work, cooked dinner, walked dog, exercised etc, we are both exhausted and fall into bed. So we are going to set aside 'proper' time and go on a proper date at least once a month

Far how are you feeling this morning? I hope things seem better now you have both slept on it. Your DH really needs to sit down with you and explain properly what he is thinking. I know what you mean about being fed up being the only one that every makes the decisions and finds the solutions. I sometimes find it hard with my DH to talk about these things without arguing, but I know you will sort things out

Sweetie I haven't read this book, but I know lots of people rave about it. I seem to have a feeling Bean may have read it too, but I could be making this up

Also, how are you Munx? And Little if you are here, hope you are ok and being looked after x

Far we're listening and we care. You have reached a crisis and that's just shit for both of you. I wish we could say something to help. Couples counselling might not be for you but it might be a way to beat this horrible experience together. Sending you a massive brook. Xxx

Yes have read that book. Not as useful as here. Reek Weschler is great too. Thy you prob know most of what she says already.

X

Not reek but Toni, bloody autocorrect.

Oh far :( :( :(
I think shiny has some great ideas as to what could be behind the situation. It sounds like the pressure's getting too much for him and he's taking it hard that he can't deliver, and (unfairly) blaming you for putting him in that position.
If it's really gotten to the point where you're questioning your marriage, maybe it would help to see a third party to discuss your problems, something like Relate?

I'm totally with you on helpful posters, shiny - hard to crush someones glimmer of hope, though! :o
I reckon if we could come up with a way of taking the not-knowing out of ttc, we'd make millions. For this month, I'm going to try really hard to go with ?I'm probably not pg? and see if I can stay any more sane doubtful

Sorry AF has turned up, Bean - you should totally push for a magic hsg! Good luck at the GP! :)

:o rat smacketeers, biscuits

Sweetie I have that book. Some of it was really interesting, but I felt a disproportionate amount of it was dedicated to acupuncture (which I'm not considering, yet) and other chinese herbally theories? Be sure to give us a heads up on anything you think stands out, though, as you read it :)

Oh no, maybe :( Shift work sucks big time why oh why did I marry a nurse? I hope you had a glass of vino and a bath and some recouperating ?me? time.

Hi pommel !

I read on the FF message board that Clear Blue are redesigning their packaging for the CBFM, so keep an eye out for cut price old ones over the next month or so (I think the machine itself is the same). One girl found one for £25 in her local boots

far - it does sound engineered but at least he's got it off his chest now and you can work out next steps together?

aubers stopped posted on the ante-natal thread but hopefully she's doing well and must be approaching d-day soon!

I got a leaflet from Boots Parenting Club the other day about their new fertility monitor that costs... £505 !! Money back if not pg in a year. Wonder what it does for that money?! £25 for a clear blue one is amazing!

Morning all and thanks for the new fred!

Welcome back Shiny I wondered where you were!

Sorry to hear Maybe and Farfalla had rubbish days yesterday. Far it sounds as though he has felt a lot of pressure for ages now and it has reached a head. It's hard for you/us to be sympathetic to him because you have been through so much with mcs and investigations, whereas all he has to do is shag you. But I think men feel responsible for us in a way. As an example, my DH only wants to try one more time (and would happily not try again at all even though I know he would love another child) because he finds the stress of worrying about me and the possibility of mc too much. I feel like shouting that it's me who has to physically go through it all and if I am willing to try again and again and again if that's what it takes, then he should comply, but I suppose he has feelings too and I have to respect that. I hope you can talk all this through and get all your (his and yours) feelings out into the open. Please don't think that everyone else's DHs are happy to TTC because every couple has issues going on behind closed doors that you don't know about. Plus, like Bean said, long-term TTC is the pits because it turns into a bit of a chore and no longer just sex-for-fun-hopefully-at-the-right-time-of-the-month.

Maybe glad you feel a bit better today and have a plan for a nice couple-y weekend. Date night is an excellent idea.

Bean so sorry re AF but small consolation that you got your ov date right after all? Hope your dr agrees to the investigations - in fact I am brooking no argument that s/he will.

Smegs how are you? I agree the spotting may be ov - I used to have the same.

Hi to everyone else. Not much change here, hoping I may get a BFN tomorrow and expect ov soon and get pregnant soon. I am still brooking for a 2012 baby and that's that.

Oh, it was just meant to be a bump rub? Sorry

far I hope things are looking less dire this morning. Must say that I visualise your DH as Kevin the teenager now - 'It's SO UNFAIR'. Yes he may be experiencing erectile problems related to stress, but to lash out at you for no good reason was very unkind. It's not your fault. I hope you remember that, whatever he says or blame he tries to shift onto you

CBFM for £25?! Sold!!!

Bleed has stopped for now. Really hope that means it was an ovulation bleed, but I can't help feeling negative. Wet fish slap please .

X-post! Hi Generic, hope you're feeling better now?

Much better now, thanks. Hope you are OK too and pleeeease don't feel negative. It was just a nice, juicy egg.

Please don't think that everyone else's DHs are happy to TTC because every couple has issues going on behind closed doors that you don't know about.
I agree with this so much.

I'm popping to boots at lunchtime to pick up a prescription... In the unlikely event there are any £25 CBFMs there, I'll be sure to pick a few up for ebay fellow brookers :o

Brooking for a BFN Generic (wow that feels weird)

Really sad for little I hope she is ok. If you're out there, little , it would be great to have you back if and when you and DH feel ready.

Generic glad you are feeling much better.

Smegs so pleased the bleed was brief. That egg must be a whopper

Pop liking your idea of going with the 'I'm not pregnant' thing. I am going to join you in this new attitude

£25 for a CBFM

Pomme what is your D-day? Bet you can't wait

Thanks for all the kind words people. DH is so lovely really. He can just be really crap at expressing himself properly. But then I think that is a man thing

Far where are you my lovely?

Oh smegs I missed that! Definitely an ovulation bleed if it's stopped :)

Glad DH has issued a grovelling apology things have calmed down and sorted themselves out now, maybe
DH is far more emotionally literate than me, but I think that comes from being a mental health nurse

little I am so so sorry , you poor thing, we are all here for you and I am thinking of you lots :( Lots of us have been in your position and we all understand how awful it is and the mix of emotions you might go through over the next few weeks.

maybe did you have a nice cuddle this morning? I hope so.

generic I really hope that this time is your lucky time. I agree it seems like we go through it all but then we have to pander to them about their feelings. I suppose it must be stressful to watch and feel powerless about it all.

shiny beedle bean thank you all for you kind words, its so nice to have people who understand and you have all taken time to reply with such thoughtful words and advice.

smegs I really think that was an ovulation bleed so FX for you ALL

I have never cried like I cried last night, I sobbed for hours and I look like a puffy monster this morning. I managed to get myself really worked up imagining all sorts of awful scenarios.

DH and I had a chat this morning. He says he really wants a baby, loves me, does not want to stop trying (I had said last night that maybe I should just go back on the pill for a bit) He wants to try but he finds the timed sex too much, he can't perform, then I get upset, we have a row and he thinks its just too much for us to cope with. He said he has been feeling depressed about the MCs and hates the 'trying' bit and wants to just 'see if it happens' and not make a big deal of it. He thinks we should only have sex when we feel like it and not because its the right time etc.

He said he was reving himself up in the bathroom on Tuesday night thinking right, I want a baby lets do it tonight and then just gets all wrapped up in knots and does not want it anymore.

I agree with him to a point, this has become stressful and emotional and not fun at all and I hate it too. However, I also think that if only do it when we feel like it that basically means weekends. He never wants it during the week and realistically that means we are not really trying. He is not keen on the ramekin idea either. He did suggest just freezing a load so he can do it in advance and not be under pressure at certain times but sadly looks like you can;t freeze it at home (yes I have actually looked into it!) So I think the real issue is his sex drive and lackthereof.

His job is stressful and he is pretty unhappy so we have talked about him leaving and maybe doing something else. I would support that decision and it would not put us under too much pressure financially as my job is pretty secure.

I am almost 32 so we can afford to wait a bit I suppose I just don;t want to, I want him to tool up and have sex with me often and give us the best possible chance. But the more I try to explain, the more he says he feels 'pressured' so I suppose I just have to ignore it a bit and pretend like I don;t care. It just feels so unfair to me.

In good news - I went for my foof scan this morning and I have ovulated, probably yesterday she thought. That would be day12 so very very early for me. Lining at 8.9mm so I can stop menkulling about that at least. However weirdly I still got a positive OPK this morning, how strange is that?

I have the zita book (was reading the bit about relationships and stress and I think she is very good indeed, she thinks timed sex is the absolute worse thing you can do). She is pretty sensible. I don;t like her advice about ditching caffeine though!

Oh and hello to all the lovely grads, thanks for popping in with your sage words and fingers crossed for a lovely stress free birth. bisciuts I love the ratsmackerteers!!

Farfalla - I'm glad you and DH have had a row-free conversation about it all today. Do you feel a little better? I know it's still hard to know what to do though. I guess for a while it's just got to be SFF? I guess DH doesn't need to know when it's time to ov even if you do? Maybe if you have a little while with the pressure off, just SFF at the weekends or when you want to you might find you get some of the spark back into it? Then that might in turn mean you might be able to work up to some midweek SFF? The more you get the more you want or whatever

Pomme I had a Duofertility monitor for a mere £500 . Honestly I'm not sure it was worth the money, although I did get pg . Basically it just took my temps, but you wear a little sensor under your arm so it gets the temps for you after the right number of hours of sleep etc. then you sync the sensor with a reader and connect the reader to your computer and it uploads all the temp data. Then it basically does what fertility friend does and works out when you ov'd. In addition you get access to their 'fertility specialists' which is potentially helpful. They will look at the results of any tests you've had done, although they obviously aren't actually offering you any treatment. But for example if they looked at SA results they might say 'oh, you should perhaps try every 3 days instead of every other' or whatever. So they can offer advice. You can actually buy the monitor and then subscribe for the support service monthly I think and then the monitor is only £100 ish (?) but you do have to subscribe for the support at something like £40-£50 a month or something. Obv cheaper though if you get pg within a few months.

What I would say though, is that when we got it we were very desperate and looking hard at IVF so £500 didn't seem so bad in the context of several thousand.

Also I had never heard of mumsnet or fertility friend. In my opinion, i think you get nearly the same level of advice from
MN (I know technically we're not qualified but there's a lot of experience here) and I'm sure fertility friend does exactly the same, especially if you subscribe to the premium service.

Like fertility friend it would sometimes change its mind as to when I ovulated and did this extensively the cycle we got pg. to the extent that as they were telling me I must not have ov'd I was getting a BFP .

Oh and the other thing was that it gives you a 'fertile window' to aim for. You have to SWI twice each cycle in that window for the money back guarantee to be valid. At first it just assumes that you'll ov mid cycle but it is supposed to 'learn your cycle'. We fell pg on cycle 3 so I can't comment on whether it ever did learn anything about me.

However, when changing its mind about when I may have ovulated, it also changed the fertile green window for when we should have been SWI-ing. However, it did this retrospectively! So it was a bit late to go back in time and shag at the time I should have done iyswim? Then that made me wonder whether they would try to stitch me up on the money back thing. When I asked them about it they said hat they recommend you shag every 2-3 days throughout your cycle anyway . Kind of defeats the object of having something to predict your fertile window one would think .

Umm, what else? Overall I'm not sure it was worth it. If I'm totally honest I thought for £500 it must do something more than just take my temps. I might have been expecting some sort of witch doctor magic . I was sold on the 'learning my cycle' and 'predicting my fertile window' but it wasn't as clever as I thought. I think you pay A LOT for the support services. On reflection I wish that I had perhaps got a CBFM and then taken my own temps to confirm ov. I also had a regular cycle so was fairly confident I was ov'ing. I was just fed up with having to shag all the time .

Oh, and last thing, although we got pg while using it, I think this was a result of our HSG and improved SA. The monitor just hanged its mind about ov time and that almost made us stop SWI too early? Who knows.

Anyway, that was an essay if anyone was interested .

Lots of hugs all round lovely ladies xxx

far am glad you and your DH had a good conversation about ttc. Am loathe to diagnose over t'internet, but have you considered that his testosterone levels may be a little low? It could be one of the reason for his low sex drive, although his job and stress levels may be to blame too. Maybe a trip to the GP to find out?

We've had problems with DH and expectations to perform too. I had a hissy fit and told him it was his responsibility to decide when to dtd now and try to instigate it with a very reluctant me. It worked for us as he's very keen now, but it's a bit of a gamble so I don't advise it!

I think these problems are far more widespread than you would imagine, so don't think that all your friends are merrily SWI away.

Is little ok? Haven't checked the ante-natal thread yet. Only 11 more days ( not including today) till misery January is over.

That's really interesting biscuits - it makes FF's subscription price seem quite reasonable! I suppose a lot of people get to the point where they're desperate enough to pay that sort of money, which is kind of sad but very very understandable says the girl who just bought a £££ CBFM

Far it's great you had a chat about things. I wonder if the weekend-only shagging is something you could work on in the context of trying to improve your relationship/sex life? It doesn't need to be an olympic effort, a quick fumble can be really fun and bonding. And it's a great stress reliever at the end of a long, hard day imho.

No cheapo CBFMs at boots - it's undergoing a refurb so half the store was empty! But they do have all their xmas gifts on 75% off so I bought a pretty mirror that looks like a birdcage for £5 :o