Just MC and ready to try again? Pregnant after MC and seeking somewhere safe to hide? Jump in the mosh pit for some serious metalling or settle yourself down in our padded cell. All welcome! (Part 19)

[Poppyjen]

Another new thread for some more serious metalling - we really are a chatty lot!

Here's to making it through the WTF cycle(s), metalling* like a teenager from the early '90s in the 2WW, BFP colds and other classic symptom spotting and hiding in the (nice and comfy) padded cell post BFP

If you have miscarried and are ready to TTC again, come and join us!

• For those currently wondering what our mosh pit antics have to do with ttc post MC, a fabulous typo in an earlier thread resulted in "mentalling" becoming known as "Metalling" - a far more fitting expression I am sure you will agree!

Welcome!

Hugs mseltoe, I don't know what to say but we are all here for you. I am still and continually totally and utterly shitting it that something will go wrong - there won't be a heartbeat next week or the baby will die and I will have to give birth or when the baby is born something will be wrong.

I did give myself a talking to last week and was sort of like "hey, get a freaking GRIP won't you" this baby deserves a happy pregnancy and deserves to be told about and have people congratulate us and be happy that there will be a new addition to the family. It doesn't deserve me to try and be hiding my expanding bump and boobs. He/she deserves the same joy I had when I was pregnant with DS. And if it does go wrong then he/she will have had a period of joy and happiness when they were in my womb, all nice and cosy.

Not sure if what i'm saying makes any sense, I'm having a bit of an emotional ramble! Miscarriage will take away your pregnancy innocence and i've accepted that won't come back. When do you have your first MW appt? Did you have a counsellor after either of your losses? I never did but it was often recommended to me and I wish I had as it might help me now.

Sorry for my wafflings, I know it's easier said than done but please try not to worry and remember, today you are pregnant xx

PS - Despite giving myself a talking to we still haven't told anybody, not even my parents and i'm 15w now !

Oh pie Thanks.

No, no counsellor, didn't know it was possible! I'm all stiff upper lip, me, anyway. No MW appt, bit early for all that yet isn't it?

Today I am pregnant. OKay.

That's another thing Pie! What shall I do about telling people! I was just starting to get a little bit podgy when I lost Mini-toe. We'd waited until 14.5 weeks to tell anyone at all, even DP's parents (I don't have any parents). It's DD that's my main concern - she's 5 and not deaf! How to protect her? We told her first last time and she got to tell everyone else. Now what do we do?

People DO notice when I don't drink, and now they'll be on the alert as they know we want another baby, if you catch my drift!

I know there's a long time to worry about it, but even now I've a friend coming over tomorrow and she'll expect me to crack open the wine.

I'm surprised your GP didn't suggest one? Especially after what has happened to you :( xx I worked the whole way through my miscarriage (it was a 'natural' miscarriage at 7 weeks) as I didn't want anybody to know (brave face etc etc). In hindsight I should have just made something up and phoned in sick, I do regret not giving myself time to grieve at the time.

They used to like to see you for booking in at 6w here, it's now 8w. They need a few weeks to get you into the system at the hospital for scans etc. I would be very surprised if you didn't get extra care, scans etc with this pregnancy. They should be offering you an early scan at 8w as you've had 2 losses (they do in my area). My MW is amazing, with 2nd pregnancies you are supposed to have 8, rather than 12 appointments which you get in 1st pregnancies but she is giving me the full 12, bless. She is a great support and has been texting me if I've had any questions. I remember after my loss bumping into her in the car park and she gave me a big hug and said how sorry she was

You are starting to get symptoms too, that's a great sign! :)

Best go to bed, I had a lie-in this morning so my turn to get up with DS tomorrow, fingers crossed he sleeps until a decent time!

Sorry mseltoe crossed posts! I wish I had told people after my nuchal results at 12w like most people do but then I kept moving the goalposts to 14w and now it's my 16w appt this week, if there is a heartbeat then we will tell parents and close family. I will hold off from telling work for a little longer (if at all possible!).

Is there anyway DD wouldn't hear/notice until you are at least past 12w? Sorry but I have no experience with 5year olds so not sure what you can/can't hide from them? (DS is 2). I've come out with some cracking excuses lately for not boozing! Can your order a drink then sneak to the bar and swop it for a soft one (same colour!)

Well I can hide it from DD pretty easily, we did it before (we just don't talk about it when she's around, and she's at school so going to MW appts etc's no issue) BUT we can't hide it from her when other people know about it (that doesn't seem right as it'll affect her more than anyone else, she might not guess the secret but she'd soon pick up there was a secret and feel excluded/worry about it) and we can't tell her and expect her not to tell anyone, that wouldn't be fair (she would try REALLY hard to do it though).

I don't have a GP, just a practice, generally see whoever or a locum - and never went to the practice with either MC, first I went in EPU and did it at home, second I went in mat assessment and labour ward then went home. I will get in touch with MW in a week or two I guess, if I get that far.

To me 12w means nothing, that's the problem. I've carried all three to 12w. 20w, yes, I've only ever got there with DD. That one means something. But if I get that far, can I keep the secret until the end of April? I'm doubting it!

Thanks Pie. Hope you get some good sleep and DS lets you sleep in tomorrow.

I didn't tell anyone till 17 weeks with ds4, I don't know why I kept it secret . I'd never had a loss over 8 weeks before.

I'm wondering if next time I can hold off till 24 weeks, although I think people would probably notice

Just popped on to say congratulations to MsEltoe! Fab news! Hope this kick starts the hospital etc into getting on with pm information. xxxx

Thanks Jaffa!

It's tough isn't it moomins.

I swing between thinking I'll tell people as late as possible and thinking, why keep it a secret? It doesn't affect the outcome and it's a PITA pretense to maintain, especially when we're being 'watched' for symptoms as friend know we lost mini-toe.... The only thing that keeps me erring on the side of secret is my DD - if anyone knows it should be her and I don't want to tell her she's lost another sibling :(

MsEltoe I know what you mean. I told pretty much everyone when I was pg and despite how hard it was to tell them I lost the baby, in balance all the support I received made it worth it and I would do the same again.

To be honest, I like my parties and how long can you go turning invitations down and not drinking 'because you have a cold' before people guess anyway? And with my family living abroad, I need all the support I can get from friends & workmates.

HOWEVER, my sister told her DD (4yo) about 'the little cousin' and she got uber excited and now keeps asking when is the little cousin arriving and when is she going to meet her (she decided is a 'she') etc etc and my sister doesn't know what to say. That has been, in my case, the only downside of telling people, so I totally see where you can from with your little DD. Aw, bless them.

Thanks Martha - i just figured a new year warranted a new name - especially as I am hoping it will be a much better year than 2011.

Pie - I haven't got an appointment yet - I'm trying to decide which clinic to use (it's a choice between Bourne Hall and Cambridge IVF) and am going to see it I can get an appointment in February (my current cycle ends at the end of January). I can understand why you haven't told anyone yet - I suspect that shoudl I be successful again, no-one will be told until I'm ready to pop!

MsEltoe - that sounds terrible. I'm sorry you've had such a bad time of it. I hope all goes OK and will keep my fingers crossed for you. Positive vibes that it will all be as with your DD.

(maybe I should have added above that I'm a bit of a mouthy Mediterranean with zero skills and keeping my feelings for myself)

Could I jump in and ask a question? I can totally understand how hard it is when you tell people you're pregnant then have to tell them when it's gone wrong. We only told our parents and I told a girl from work (to cover for me when I had morning sickness) and my boss. They have all been very supportive, but I have found it so much harder telling people that didn't even know I was pregnant. I've spoken with my very longest friend a lot recently and she told me how she felt sick when I told her, as she had no idea we were even trying. I haven't told my (step) sister anything. Even now. She has a new baby herself and I don't want her to not enjoy the time she is having with her new dd because of me. I think if (when when when!!) I get pregnant again, i will be telling more people, including those that didn't know the last time. Now reading this thread, I'm wondering whether this is the best thing?

Morning all!!!! Well I woke up today and have realised I'm now 30 weeks.....can't believe it. No idea how I managed to get here, its been a long road and the ups and downs have been really hard. It is scary to know in 10 weeks I could be a mother.....the only thing is I keep saying 'could' rather than will which I know is that left over scared feeling that things won't be ok. Arrhhhgggg I'm determined to get there though - PMA all the way!!!

shakemyhead and crystal - welcome to the thread....really sorry you have to be here but just know your in a great place for ventting, metalling, advise and support!!!

moomin so sorry your feeling crappy!! Its not surprising considering everything that you have been through. Sending you hugs from here. Xxx

mseltoe so pleased your getting symptoms!! I have no idea what to advise about telling or not telling. I didn't want to tell anyone but cos DH was leaving for an op tour he wanted to be the one to tell his family - that was at 6 weeks so I was bricking it. I waited until after 12 weeks to tell my side and my close friends. Haven't made any proper announcements about it so still seeing people and them being "oh my god I didn't know you were pregnant". But you are right about telling DD first she is the most important one. Maybe you could wait until after your hospital results come through - they might give you an idea about where your 'safe' time is - IYSWIM.

Huge welcome back to tiago/shimmery soooo sorry that things have been so crap recently for you. hugs from here!! Xx

marthas sorry that its a definite BFN but fully agree with your DH....lots of sex to catch the next egg. Snuggled up with a glass of wine sounds fab as well. We have now moved on from a giant malteaser and the bump is now a giant cadburys creme egg.....DH is loving coming up with all these chocolate related names!!!

pie totally understand what your saying....you worry that worrying is affecting them and that by not being 'proud' and out there about your pregnancy makes you feel sad but then the whole MC thing makes you scared of making any declarations 'just in case'!!

Big waves to everyone else - hope all you bumps are doing well and the metallers are making good use of the mosh pit!! Love to all xxx

Wise words from IQ A very happy 30 weeks to you!

newton I haven't a clue to be honest but DD complicates it all a fair bit I think. Especially seen as she had to go through the last loss with us.

My in-my-head compromise is to see what the PM results say, see how far I get with it and if I have a good feeling, and what extra scans etc I get offered.

IF the PM results come back with 'bad luck old chaps, try again soon' and IF they offer me a 8 week scan and IF it shows a heartbeat then I'll tell DD and let it snowball from there without any big announcements. That might seen reckless, to tell EARLIER - but I don't really care, and I know the chances of losing it if Mini-toe was just bad luck are fairly low after you seen a HB. It's her sibling no matter what happens to it, anyway. I don't want her worrying about me either.

I know the chances of all this things happening are low-ish, although it's good to have a plan.

Tiago are there significant differences between the two clinics? A good friend of mine has been through IVF recently, but I still only have a vague idea. Fingers crossed you get an appt when you need one.

Both seem friendly on the telephone and are accessible (CambridgeIVF more than Bourne given that we don't own a car).

CambridgeIVF is new so doesn't have any published statistics, etc. Bourne Hall is the 'home of IVF' in that it was the first real clinic and has been going 30 years (and I actually know someone who was one of the first 50 babies born as a result of treatment there). But, although Bourne has the track record, in the event that we need full blown IVF, Bourne has a policy of only transferring one embryo at a time - not sure about CambridgeIVF's policy - and that may not be ideal in the event that it's really an implantation issue (especially as, looking at the price lists), it will cost over £5000 per try.

tiago if it's an implantation issue what do they do at the clinic to try and make things stick IYSWIM?

I got a BFP today.

It was not what I expected at all. AF was due yesterday, but did not come, and so I POAS yesterday pm. It was a clearblue digital, and came up 'Not Pregnant'. So I thought that was that. But, still no AF today, so this afternoon I tried a different test and it came up positive. This delay in itself is causing a freak out. Will be testing again tomorrow and many more days to come methinks.

However, just trying to be positive, and looking at dates, this is a Christmas baby. . I am so pleased and scared to pregnant. I feel like I am back at the beginning, whereas post-mc I was feeling lost. And yet, I because miscarried at 17 weeks, and don't think I will be feeling calm for a long time. It is the due date of my lost baby this weekend, so have all sorts of mixed emotions. Just hoping, hoping, that this one stays.

Also wanted to say hello to a lot of new people, Crystal, Shakemyhead, Moomins, Kelbells and Tiago, (I don't think I knew you as Shimmering Pixie).

Newton, regarding telling people, I had quite a late loss, and found it hard to tell everyone about the mc. Because I thought I was ok, I had told everyone I was pregnant, people that were not really friends, people in my DD's toddler group for example. There were some people I was glad I had told, particularly a good friend who came and looked after DD when I was in hospital for instance, but it was awkward with some people. In someways though, everyone knowing about the mc has made things easier because people have been sensitive to it, and there was also a lot of unexpected kindness. I was very grateful to receive a lovely e-mail from a newly pregnant friend before we met up with our group. (I think she had been planning to announce it at the get together). It meant I had time to get over myself a bit and then be able to cope with all the oohing and cooing that was coming. As I general point, I just wish sometimes that mc was not such a secretive topic. I was so surprised after mine to find out how common it is. I keep thinking of all these couples quietly grieving, putting a brave face on, and it seems a bit odd.

Newton I don't know why I didn't tell anyone, I've always told family straight away even though I'd had two early mc, I became pg with ds4 8 weeks after ds3 was born, he was early at 32 weeks so one of the reasons I didn't tell them was the later I left it the less time they'd have to worry about him being early.

It never realy crossed my mind that there would be any problems after the 12 week mark. Next time I won't be telling anyone for as long as possible because although I will have a stitch in my cervix it could fail and I don't think everyone else needs to be worrying about it from early on in the pregnancy when they dont have to.

I do find it difficult now telling people about Jacob , as hardly anyone knows. I'll bump into people I haven't seen for months who don't know anything about it, I guess I find it hard that Jacob is still so much apart of our lives even though he's gone, yet people I know don't even have a clue he ever existed

Congratulations Jaffa lots of bfps in the last month, maybe it's a good sign for the rest of us!

just wrote a looong reply re. telling people but MN lost it when I pressed 'post' and logged me out No brain left to type again so will have to see whether I can remember what I wrote tomorrow...grrrr...

But before I go for jaffa fab news!!

FAB news Jaffa!!! xx

Yay for Jaffa!!! xxx

So pleased for you!!! Xxx

jaffa so chuffed for you, that's fantastic news, that's what I call ending the week in style!